Kim is on vacation, so you guys are stuck with me. I'm ashamed to admit that I actually watch this show, but I guess I'm in good company since you readers presumably do as well. I only started watching this season because I'm kind of fascinated with Steve Guttenberg after his bizarre turn on Hallmark Channel's Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus and its sequel, Meet the Santas. And then he got voted off but I kept watching.
Tom and that horrid woman who can't host her way out of a paper bag open the show promising awesome performances from James Blunt and Ozomatli (why, Ozomatli, why?) as well as more ballroom dancing from children whose parents are pushy assholes. Meanwhile, the stars are too busy talking amongst themselves to pay any attention.
Tom reviews last night's show by calling it the sexiest night so far (I guess now that Adam Corolla is gone, this is a sure bet) and says Kristi Yamaguchi and Jason Taylor maintained their leads. True story: I went to college with a girl named Kirsten Yamaguchi. I'll bet she's rooting for Jason Taylor. Bruno called Jason a "love god," which he and Edyta laugh at in the confessional. Marissa Jaret Winokur says she's still having a blast. Mario says he's on "cloud thirteen" after his comeback yesterday. Cristian and Cheryl disagree with Carrie Ann's assessment that they didn't have enough chemistry, with Cristian saying "more chemistry would be illegal." "What are you gonna do, make out with me? You're married!" Cheryl responds. Man, she does not even care about those rumors about her and married dance partners. Good for her!
Marlee had a hard night, and she apologizes to Fabian in the confessional. Why does a man always do her voice, though? Fabian tells her she has nothing to be sorry for, but she's on the verge of tears. Awww. Shannon Elizabeth was also criticized for not enough hip action, and she says she doesn't know how she could have done it better while Derek tries not to puke. "Actress and businesswoman" Priscilla Presley is very upset with herself for missing a turn during her performance.
Mark and Kristi get the encore dance. Mark makes funny faces all over the place, like usual. They get a standing ovation.
After break, Samantha talks to Shannon and Marlee about how they feel about their dances last night. Shannon says she's still working on her cardio. Still. Marlee threatens to strangle Samantha Harris if she gets voted out tonight, which kind of makes me want to see Marlee go for the first time. Samantha lacks a sense of humor and spontaneity, so she has no response to this. Marlee says if she leaves tonight, she'll do it with her head held high. As well she should.
Ozomatli take the stage and perform with Derek, Anna, Louis, Karina, Jonathan, Edyta, Fabian, Kym, and the kitchen sink dancing. Derek manages to make it through the entire performance without hurting himself or getting sick. They even let the dancers play three beats on the drums to end the song. Who says Julianne Hough got all the musical talent?
Kristi snags the first safe spot to no one's surprise, while Cristian is one of the bottom two.
Then it's onto the kiddie dancers. Does anyone care? I think it's sad that these kids are on TV when they should be outside playing. And you know those boys are getting made fun of so hard tomorrow at school. I think Bruno is really sweet with the kids. Also, Samantha sucks just as much at interviewing children and she does the contestants.
And then the teleprompter guy screws up and Tom Bergeron calls him out. Ha ha ha. I like Tom. We see some behind-the-scenes footage of the stars before the live show. The woman take forever to get their hair and makeup done so the guys hang out. Tony and Marissa share a trailer wall, which Tony takes advantage of to bother her. Priscilla lights a candle and does yoga to de-stress before showtime. Mario exercises with no shirt on. Derek plays the guitar and sings to Shannon to calm her down. Marlee spends time with her kids right before the show. Kristi hangs out in a quiet corner and goes over her moves, just like she used to do when she was skating.
And now it's time to reveal the safe couple, and Tom repeats the lines he said a few minutes ago when the teleprompter guy screwed up. That guy is fired. So fired. And yet, Samantha is still here. The safe couple is Jason and Edyta, which is also not a surprise.
James Blunt sings . Does anyone care about him anymore? I think he'll be on this show as a contestant season.
Samantha asks Cristian and Cheryl how they feel about being in the bottom two. The answer is "bad."
The two couples to be pronounced safe are Mario and Karina and Marissa and Tony. Ugh, won't she leave already?
After the break, other two safe couples are announced: Shannon and Derek and Marlee and Fabian (yay!!). That makes Priscilla and Louis the other half of the bottom two.
We're running out of time and the red lights that shine on the bottom two contestants are broken. This show is a mess this week. Len says his heart wants Priscilla to stay but his brain wants Cristian to. His brain is correct, as Priscilla and Louis are eliminated. There's a shot of Carrie Ann looking peeved, although I don't know if that's because she doesn't want Priscilla to go or something else. Priscilla says this was an incredible experience, life-changing, yada yada yada and she learned a lot about herself. Tom has to interrupt her to make it clear that Priscilla does NOT have her own psychic hotline, as apparently people are really dumb and thought that April Fool's joke was real. Which means there are also people who think Marlee Matlin is a volunteer cop.
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You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.
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