Tonight, all twelve couples will dance once more, and America will have one more chance to vote before the first double elimination tomorrow night. So let's get to it.
After all of the couples are introduced (and the vibe is remarkably more relaxed this week), Steve Gutenberg is announced as the first competitor. The GUTE! He has to do the mambo this week, and his partner, Anna, gets a little frustrated when he can't catch on right away, especially with the hip action. Anna calls in her mom, who is also a noted professional dancer, to help out. Turns out mom is Steve's age, and a big fan of the Gute! They cut up and laugh and learn some dancing along the way. Maybe she should be his partner instead of Anna. Anyway, Steve continues on his mission to bring peace and love to the world through the majesty of dance.
To the mambo! Steve has a bad case of white man's overbite that his partner needs to help him with. Anyway, they dance, and there's not a lot of footwork going on, but Steve still has a great attitude and seems so upbeat that you can't hate on him too much. Or at least, I can't. Judges? Len compares it to when he tries to cook; he follows all of the instructions and has the proper ingredients, but it comes out all wrong. Bruno thought Steve put too much energy into his facial expressions and not enough into his body movements. Carrie Ann thinks it wasn't his best. Anna lips off to the judges to defend her partner. Backstage, everyone is chanting for the Gute. I think they all had a little too much sugar before the show. Scores? Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5 for a total of 16. Steve thinks the scores are fair, and continues to give out his message of the show making the world a better place. I'm not sure about that, but it's cute that he thinks so.
Christian and Cheryl are up . During rehearsals, Cheryl chides Christian for his posture still. In what may be the lamest corny made-for-camera bit, Cheryl makes Christian wear a naval uniform (even though he's in the Air Force in his home country) so that he will stand up straight? I'm sure that made a lot of sense to some PA, but it just comes off like he's pandering for votes because ladies love a man in uniform. Whatever works, I guess. The cheesiest part (and it's hard to pick just one) is when he picks Cheryl up in his arms and she puts his cap on her head like Debra Winger in An Officer and a Gentleman while a synthesized version of the theme to Top Gun (why?) plays in the background. Sigh.
Christian is quite light on his feet in the beginning. I think the problem with posture is that many of the men equate standing up straight with being perfectly stiff, so they get dinged for not relaxing, but if they relax, they'll hunch over. Anyway, Christian seems stiff to me, and there's not much quickstepping in this quickstep. It looks like a jive crossed with a waltz. Judges? Carrie Ann is pleased with the improvement in his posture, and suggests that he sharpen his footwork. Len enjoyed the speed and the posture, but would like to see it more controlled. Bruno thought Christian captured the character of his dance, and just needs better footwork. Backstage, Samantha asks her usual nonsense and then we hear the scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7 for a total of 20.
Last week, poor Jonathan had to drag Monica Seles around the floor like she was a corpse. It was Weekend at Monica's. In rehearsal, Jonathan has Monica practice her facial expressions, and then he flies to Japan with her so that they can rehearse. She promises to "give it all to the mambo" so she can stick around for another week. It's quite charming, actually.
So let's see the actual dance. My husband and I discuss our befuddlement over the performance. She's better than last week, for sure. But her body is weirdly thick in the middle for an athlete who is clearly still in great shape, and it throws off her lines. And while her footwork is not terrible, her upper body is strangely stiff. I guess she just has no natural rhythm and it ends up looking awkward. But God bless her, she tries. Judges? Bruno advises her to connect with the music, and says she did some turns right, but then got off the rhythm. Carrie Ann knows that Monica is struggling, and she loves how Monica attacked the dance with enthusiasm. Len compliments Monica and says she needs to bring her tennis skills of speed and coordination to the dance floor. After the break, we hear their scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5 for a total of 15. I appreciate that the judges aren't inflating the scores. Monica says that she's working hard and having fun, and trying to keep a positive attitude. Jonathan is so proud of her and thinks she's made a lot of progress in the last four weeks. I'm actually going to feel bad for her when she gets eliminated, because she wears her heart on her sleeve.
Penn Jillette and Kym are up . Kym wants Penn to maintain his posture, so she gets him a posture bar, which he equates to a form of torture. As Kym is talking to him, Penn leans on a barre and it falls right off the wall, leaving Penn on his ass. Luckily, he's not hurt, and they both crack up. Penn promises that they'll have more fun than anyone else on the dance floor. THEY WILL! HAVE FUN! OR ELSE! It kind of seems like a threat and not a promise.
Penn opens by holding a voodoo doll of a judge holding a paddle, and sticks pins into it. Then, when Kym comes out, Penn's tie flies up like he's getting a boner. I'm not a fan of business before the dancing starts, just like I hated last season when Maks would start every dance with a bunch of walking around in time to the music. This is business-y, but also corny, so two strikes right there. I'm sure Penn would tell me that it's FUN! Their dance is about what you'd expect. Penn is not quick with the footwork, and there's one section where, in a typical quickstep, the partners kick their feet in between each other's legs. Kym does it, but Penn doesn't, which is lame. Although it's possible that he just forgot or screwed up, because at the end of the dance, he looks disappointed, like he knows he messed up. Judges? Penn tries to sneak off the stage. Because he's FUN!!! Len was convinced that Penn was trying to do a proper quickstep, but he still needs better footwork. Bruno thought the whole thing was atrocious. Penn talks back to the judges. Carrie Ann gets to play the good cop and says that she finds him endearing. Penn promises that he's having fun. He'll have FUN until it KILLS HIM, AMERICA! He can keep saying that, but he needs to show it through his dance. Penn pretends to fall down while walking backstage because he can't not be the center of attention. That's what bugs me about Penn. He's a try-hard. Backstage, Penn advises people at home not to try to learn to dance, because it's not fun, but I think the joke kind of backfires on him. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 5 for a total of 17. Kym is pleased with the scores but Penn keeps complaining and trying to make jokes. Bleh.
Priscilla is looking a little more normal this week, through the skillful use of makeup. Or maybe she got fresh Botox right before last week's show and now it's worn off a bit. Louis thinks that Priscilla needs to let go of being perfect and just have fun. Priscilla hopes to prove that mambo can be sexy at any age. I'll say this for Priscilla; she knows the steps pretty well, and her lines are good. But what do the judges think? Carrie Ann is impressed with Priscilla's sensuality and attitude. Len likes that they danced on the second beat, and advises her to go for less precision and more attitude. Bruno thought it was technically accomplished but she needs to push it. Carrie Ann disagrees. Backstage, Priscilla credits Louis for challenging her. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7 for a total of 21.
Shannon and Derek are back to do the quickstep. Shannon thinks that her score was too high last week, because she knows that she messed up. As they rehearse, Shannon realizes that she has no cardio stamina, so Derek takes her for a walk/run in the mountains. Because you can get into perfect cardio shape in a week. Yeah, right.
Shannon chose a longer silver dress this week and she and Derek look very glamorous. Their footwork is good - way better than Penn's. Like a million times better. They really move around the dance floor and it's quite good. Judges? Bruno is thrilled, and thinks it was "bright, dynamic, exciting, a shot of adrenaline." He tells the other contestants that this is what they want. Carrie Ann was impressed with the level of difficulty as well as the posture and footwork. Len says that he can't be as enthusiastic as Bruno because he's not unbalanced mentally. He advises Shannon to be a little lighter in her hold instead of grasping onto Derek like a drowning victim. Well, he doesn't use those words, but that's the gist. Backstage, Shannon seems very pleased for once. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24.
Jason Taylor and Edyta did fairly well last week. Jason rehearses the mambo, but says he doesn't like it because it's so fast. Edyta puts him through the paces, and Jason is exhausted, because Edyta has put together a crazy routine. She urges Jason to turn up the heat.
Holy crap. This is a fantastic routine. Jason is easily the best mover of the big men this season. He's got great hip action, and he manages to toss Edyta around like a rag doll, but sexily. ["I have to say, I'm about ready to forgive Jason Taylor for being a Miami Dolphin." -- Joe R] Len thinks Jason is a winner. Bruno is impressed that Jason led the whole way through. Carrie Ann thinks Jason has a good shot at winning, and she thinks he and Edyta look good together. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9 for a total of 27. Wow! I guess they deserved it, but I figured there would be at least one eight in there. Jason credits Edyta for getting him to break out of his shell.
Marissa and Tony are up . In rehearsal, Marissa cries while eating an apple (?) and worries that she can't do what the other women can physically do, like death drops and high kicks. Tony gives her a pep talk and between the lighting and the background music, this really feels like an afterschool special. Super cheesy! I mean, this whole show is cheese-tastic, but this segment in particular is really bad. Anyway, they rehearse the quickstep, and Marissa vows to keep up her energy.
My problem with Marissa is that she always has the same open-mouthed smile on her face, like she's having SO MUCH FUN SHE CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!! It's a little exhausting. She actually looks her age this week instead of like a teeny-bopper. She's slightly pigeon toed, which is emphasized when she has to do the long running segments across the floor, but overall the routine is pretty good. Carrie Ann loves Marissa's fearlessness, but thought their synchronicity could have been better. Len likes that Marissa is lovely and bubbly like the quickstep. Bruno thought it was a classic quickstep, and better than last week. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7 for a total of 21.
Len welcomes Jimmy Kimmel, who's in the audience with Guillermo. Adam's wife Lynette is sitting to Jimmy, for those of you who were wondering what she looks like. Anyway, Adam and Julianne are up . Adam thinks the hip action is the biggest challenge with the mambo. Julianne thinks he picks up the steps better than he did with the foxtrot. Anyway, their routine makes me laugh, but I don't know if I would qualify it as good. Adam has got that boxer's posture, like Floyd Mayweather last year, where he's just naturally hunched at the shoulders. The difference is that Adam has the height to kind of make up for it. But not really. It's a novelty act, but there's not a lot of mambo in there. I will say that Adam seems to put a little more effort into it this week, and I don't think that the problem is that he doesn't know the routine. I don't know that more practice would have made that routine better. You know, Adam's Adam (there's one for the Loveline fans).
But I could go on for days - what do the judges think? Adam interrupts Tom Bergeron to yell that Steve Gutenberg has gone out of control backstage and it's a 5150 situation. Bruno says that Adam is an original, and while he's not a natural dancer, he made Bruno laugh. Carrie Ann makes a crack about how Adam called her a bitch last week, and Adam gives his story about how Mitch, his publicist, was standing nearby. No one buys it. Carrie Ann thought it was fun. Len actually has nice things to say; he admits it wasn't good technique or footwork, but it was entertaining. Backstage, Adam jokes around until it's time for the scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7, and Bruno 8 for a total of 21. What?????? That's awesome and totally unexpected. It's possible that the Aceman might make it through. I realize that I'm probably happier about it than he is.
Marlee Matlin and Fabian are up . Fabian asks her if she could hear the music last week, and Marlee says it was like if you're in the shower and the door's closed and someone nearby is playing music and you could barely hear it. How does she know to make that analogy? Marlee seems to have more trouble with the quickstep, more due to the footwork than the rhythm. I'm looking forward to a few weeks from now, when maybe the show can talk about Marlee without bringing up the fact that she's deaf. Maybe I'm dreaming with that one.
They start out with a shoulder shimmy, which doesn't seem like the quickstep to me. She has great footwork, and she has great posture. She points her feet correctly. I would imagine this routine is easier for her in some ways because it's done almost entirely in hold. Jennifer Beals and Henry Winkler are in the audience cheering for her. Judges? Len says that he was impressed with the musicality, and points out that the choreography was a little more mambo than quickstep. Bruno loves Marlee's presence. Carrie Ann also admires Marlee's musicality but thinks her hold was a bit too loose for ballroom. Backstage, Samantha puts the microphone in front of Marlee's mouth and Marlee jokingly moves it aside and then mentions that one fan emailed her and asked if she was going to be deaf for the whole show. Oh, people. Scores? Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24. Marlee finger spells v-o-t-e a few times.
Kristi got the highest first-round score in the show's history last week, so now she has to deal with higher expectations. Mark tries to get Kristi to loosen up her pelvis, but Kristi is way too inhibited for that, and it embarrasses her when Mark shakes his butt. That could be a problem.
So how's their mambo? Well, I thought she would be in trouble because she wouldn't be able to loosen up and be too stiff. She's totally not that. She's really good at this too. I saw nothing wrong with their routine. Carrie Ann is boggled that Kristi has never danced before, due to her precision and technique. Len thinks that Kristi set a high standard last week, but she hit it this week. Bruno liked the choreography, and like me, couldn't see anything wrong at all. Seriously, I would be pissed if I were one of the other contestants. I'm not one for ringer talk, but this is getting ridiculous. In any other season, someone like Shannon or Marlee or Priscilla or even Marissa would have a good chance, but I don't know if any of them can surpass Kristi. Their scores: Carrie Ann 9, Bruno 9, and Bruno 9 for a total of 27.
The final routine belongs to Mario and Karina. After their first routine, Mario had the highest guys' score, and Len told him to work on his footwork. Karina takes him to the beach to work in the sand, like is this Dirty Dancing? Actually, Mario would be a good person to star in (another) remake of that movie. Who could be his female lead? How about Rhianna?
Mario's wearing tails, but the sleeves of his tuxedo have been ripped off. At first, I thought it was cheesy that there were hanging threads, but I think it would actually be cheesier if the tuxedo were made that way. Maybe. Anyway, the routine is good, and quite difficult, but you can see Mario thinking through the steps in a way that he didn't have to do last week. He's not as confident, even though the technique is there. And compared to, say, Penn's quickstep, it is worlds more difficult. Judges? Bruno thought it was charismatic and focused. Len liked the footwork and movement, but he needs to improve his hold and keep his elbow up. Carrie Ann liked Mario's charm and movement. Bruno can't shut up about Mario's bulging muscles, which seems a bit indecent. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 9 for a total of 26.
So here's the totals from both weeks, which Tom is sure to remind us only counts for half of the score, since the public's votes make up the other half.
Kristi and Mark: 54
Mario and Karina: 50
Jason and Edyta: 49
Marlee and Fabian: 46
Priscilla and Louis: 45
Shannon and Derek: 45
Christian and Cheryl: 41
Marissa and Tony: 39
Adam and Julianne: 36
Steve and Anna: 34
Penn and Kym: 33
Monica and Jonathan: 30
See you tomorrow night for the double elimination and other filler!