Remember last season, with the fainting and the falling and the repeat victory for Julianne? Well, forget that. That's yesterday's news. Now we have a new cast, and tonight we're going to see the men for the first time. Tomorrow night, we'll see the women. Ooh, they're doing this weird morphing thing where, like, Marissa Janet Winokur turns into Penn Jillette, and it's quite disturbing for many, many reasons. But it's time to kick off another season, and once again, it's LIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Tom and Samantha are back! Yay, Tom! Boo, Samantha! Well, more like meh, Samantha. And we're going to kick right off with some dancing as the pros take the floor for a group routine. The ladies on the forums are going to go nuts about Derek Hough wearing a sleeveless shirt. I'm just glad they don't have Derek dancing with his sister again, because that always makes me feel ooky. Also, Derek needs to slick his hair back better, because he keeps having to brush it out of his eyes. And Louis is back! I totally did not miss him. Although maybe taking a (forced) year off diminished some of the egotism that always bugged me about him. I find myself having to check in with my husband to see what the names of some of these dancers are. That's Edyta, right? And that's Cheryl? Hey, I'm old and it's been a while.
Tom points out the brand new pro, who is crazy sweaty (love you, high definition), and the judges, who are the same as last year. They keep mentioning the trophy, as if anyone cares. Seriously. It is the ugliest trophy in the universe of trophies.
First up for the men is Penn Jillette. You may know him from his magic shows with his silent partner, Teller. And yet, he feels that this show is way bigger than anything he's ever done. His partner is Kym, the saucy Australian minx. We get to see their first meeting, and Penn jokes that her job is to teach Sasquatch to dance. They head to the studio, where Penn is wearing hightops. Really? Penn thinks his stage experience might help him, and he suggests that they use magic tricks in their routines. Kym is impressed with Penn's progress through the weeks. In the bumper to commercial, Penn and Kym pretend to do a card trick, and...let's just say when I glanced up at the screen to see what was happening, I said out loud, "Oh. Hello, Kym's boobs." Which caused my husband no end of confusion, since my name is Kim. But enough about my personal life.
So Penn and Kym are dancing the cha-cha-cha. Kym has a giant red boa, which she wraps around Penn's neck. He manages to take a running dive under her legs, which, given that he's nearly a foot taller than her, is quite impressive. Unfortunately, it's about the last impressive thing he does in the routine. He's got the steps down, but he's completely flat-footed and just stomping around the dance floor. But he's having a great time, which has got to count for something? I guess? Even if he gets past this week, there are only so many ways for Kym to let him stand still and have her dance around him, especially with the dances where you aren't allowed to break hold. Teller is in the audience and gives his partner a standing ovation. Well, it's not like he can yell out any encouragement. What do the judges think? Len thought they were fun and entertaining, but Penn needs to work on his footwork. Bruno thinks he looked like Shrek and "the hip action was more like replacement hip action." But Bruno liked the enthusiasm. Carrie Ann compliments his energy and his attitude, because he gives a hundred percent. They head backstage for their scores. And they are: Carrie Ann 5, Len 6, and Bruno 5. I think that's about right -- many times, the judges start too high and leave no room for improvement, which renders all those 10s at the end of the season meaningless.
Tom welcomes us back from the break and introduces Jason Taylor, a defensive end from the Miami Dolphins, who will be partnered with Edyta. Jason says he signed up for the show for the challenge, because it's out of his comfort zone. At their first meeting, Edyta says she thought Jason was sexy and athletic. She realized that he was shy, and also worried about not seeming macho. As they rehearse, Jason realizes that he needs to let go of his "little macho bubble." I think they sell an over-the-counter remedy for that now. Jason shows up one day for rehearsal in a pink tutu that his buddies gave him, but then he buckles down and impresses Edyta with his ability to move, even though he's big.
Jason and Edyta begin the foxtrot. Edyta has on more clothes than usual, meaning that her legs are mostly covered, and not by legwarmers. Jason is not bad, although you can see him mentally counting the steps, but I think that can be chalked up to first-week nerves. He's cute, and he smiles a lot. His posture improves as the dance goes along, but near the end he does some turns without bending his knees at all. He could definitely improve, but for the first week, it was quite good. Judges? Len compliments Jason's looks, posture, and elegance, and hopes he will learn to act the dance a bit more. Carrie Ann thought Jason would be rougher, and was surprised by his fluidity and hand movements. Bruno thinks Jason was graceful and had great lines and posture, and now looks for more drive and chemistry. I agree -- there was a moment where I was going to write that this couple had good chemistry, but then Jason started counting steps again and it went away. Scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, and Bruno 7. What's with Len being the high scoring judge this season?
Tom introduces the contestant, Latin heartthrob Christian de la Fuente. He worked in Chile and is best known in this country for his work on Ugly Betty. He hopes to bring romance back to dancing. I was unaware that it had left. Where did it go? Professional curling? Christian was pleased to be working with Cheryl, because she's a two-time winner. Their first dance is the cha-cha, which Cheryl thinks is perfect for Christian because it's sexy. The problem is that Christian is not so good with the hip action. So how will it translate to the dance floor?
Cheryl and Christian start out up on the platform and then head down to the floor. Christian is great with the quick footwork, although his posture ranges from so-so to so bad. His routine seems way more difficult than the others we've seen so far. I think we've got a contender! Judges? Carrie Ann is psyched about the sexy guys on this season, and thinks Christian's hot and has good chemistry with Cheryl, but she cautions him to watch his shoulders. Bruno thinks Christian looks like he's riding a bike all hunched over, and adds, "She bangs, and you've got to bang just as hard." Even Tom Bergeron is like, "Eesh. Really? That's the phrasing you want to go with, Bruno?" Bruno finishes with a few more double entendres and Tom throws to Len to save them. Len once again admonishes Christian to work on his posture. Hmm. They were not nearly as impressed as I was by the footwork. What about the scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Really? Lower than Jason?
Okay, up is Adam Carolla, and I have a confession to make. I am a huge fan of Adam Carolla. I never watched The Man Show or any of that, but I started listening to old episodes of Loveline last year and now I listen to the podcasts of his radio show, and I went back and watched his TLC show from a few years back. He's smart, he's quick, and he's funny, and he often references bad music from the '70s. My perfect match. I don't always agree with his take on politics or women or various cultures, but he makes me laugh on the regular and that makes up for a lot in my book. So I'm really, really nervous for this performance, and I just hope he doesn't make a fool out of himself, but I'll try to be impartial.
Adam runs through his resume and says that he knew this show would be humiliating. His first meeting with Julianne actually occurred on Adam's radio show. Adam says he felt sorry for her, because he knew he wouldn't win. He also felt uncomfortable because he's so much older than her and she's so hot, and he had to have his groin pressed into hers in front of God and everybody. In rehearsals, Adam wouldn't shut up long enough to rehearse, but somehow over the four weeks he made some progress. Oh, I'm so nervous. Just please don't let him be the Master P. Or the Kenny Mayne. Or the Tucker Carlson.
Oh, dear. It's not good. He's about ten beats ahead of her, and then about twenty beats behind. He recovers a little bit near the end, but he's still way too stiff. A sense of rhythm is something you can't fake. Bruno says that the foxtrot was supposed to be George Clooney and it looked like Will Ferrell and John Cleese. Adam jokes that all of those people could buy and sell Bruno. Len liked Adam's footwork but thinks he has a lot of work to do on...pretty much everything else. Adam wonders how Len can tell him to put on a tuxedo and get in front of all those people and do something he's horrible at and then relax. Carrie Ann's reaction is much like mine -- there were moments where she thought it was going to work and then it went horribly wrong. Oh, Adam. I feel like if he could have just been on the beat, it would have been...about the same as Penn. Well, at least he tried and got some promotion for his movie. Because if this is what four weeks of rehearsal produced, I don't know if I could stand seeing what he could learn in just one week. It's time for Adam's scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5. Adam assures Julianne that she'll be able to hit the road early to promote her new country album. Julianne tries to give the old, "I'm going to try even harder week" but Adam knows he was terrible. I feel bad for the Aceman, but then again, he could have shut up and rehearsed once in a while.
Tom takes to the floor and points out Mel B in the audience. She can't resist giving him a few goosings while he tries to announce the contender, Mario, who is an R and B star. I actually know his one song. I'm not that old! Anyway, Mario says that he's 21, so he's the youngest competitor. His partner is Karina. Mario admits that he's always had a crush on her. They get into the studio, and Karina immediately starts smiling because Mario has got the moves. But then Karina gets a neck injury and needs surgery. Mario rehearses alone and it's super-cheesy as they pretend that he's, like, looking out the door and doing crunches while he waits. She finally returns and they continue rehearsing.
They start dancing, and Mario's very good, but he needs to take the hip-hop out of his dancing style. But he's really, really good, although I feel the choreography is really, really boring. Luckily, Mario's energy kind of carries it. Imagine if he had been paired with Julianne. Judges? Carrie Ann is really impressed with his bravado. Len liked the rhythm and the hip action, but Mario needs to work on his footwork. Bruno says he got excited to see the dance, and he also wants Mario to work on his footwork. Scores? Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. Mario has their phone number printed on the back of his shirt and encourages people to call in.
Our final dancer is Steve Gutenberg, who you may remember from Three Men and a Baby or Cocoon, or, if you like good movies, Diner. He's paired with Anna. They meet for the first time at the studio, and Steve is happy to have a great teacher. Anna is impressed with Steve's willingness and dedication. Word on the street is that The Gute was practicing like eight hours a day for the last four weeks. Anna says that Steve would understand the steps but couldn't physically make his body do it. I have the same problem when playing drums in Rock Band. Anna took Steve to a real ballroom competition to see how the pros do it, which Steve enjoyed.
Steve and Anna are doing the foxtrot. Steve has got the stiffness problem that some of the other men had, but he's at least doing the moves at the same time as Anna, and she put some flash into it to distract you from Steve's lack of skill. His footwork is terrible, but he's just so gosh-darn cheerful that you want him to do well. And he ends well, which counts for a lot. Everyone cheers for him because you can't help but root for him. Judges? Bruno says it started a little shaky "like a graduate from the Billy Ray School of Dance", and advises him to open up his chest more. Carrie Ann thinks Steve was charming, which goes a long way. Len thought Steve was enjoying himself, and he charmed the audience. Scores? Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. I think they gave scores to give room for improvement. Steve is just so enthusiastic about the experience. I love him. Aw, and it's his parents fiftieth wedding anniversary, and he dedicates his performance to them.
Tom introduces a clip package about the women. Shannon Elizabeth thinks the men are going down. Marissa Jaret Winokur thinks the women are strong. Kristi Yamaguchi can't wait to hear the live music. Monica Seles will be nervous. Priscilla Presley wishes that the show was taped. Marlee Matlin is ready to start the party. Then there's a lot of talk of how competitive they all are and how ready they are to win. After the clip package ends, Tom goes down the line and talks to each of the women. Shannon Elizabeth and Marissa talk about how the boys (Derek, Mark, and Jonathan) were betting on how the judges would score the male celebrities, and they joined in. I wish I had someone to bet on the scores with. After watching every season, and weecapping the last few, I'm getting really good at predicting what the judges will say.
Tom gives out the male celebs' phone numbers again. Wow, Mario is going to be tough to beat, although he might have trouble with the non-Latin dances. Here are the standings so far:
Mario and Karina: 24
Jason and Edyta: 22
Christian and Cheryl: 21
Steve and Anna: 18
Penn and Kym: 16
Adam and Julianne: 15
Tom reminds us that the women will be dancing tomorrow night and then week, all of the couples will dance again and get another set of judges' scores. See you tomorrow night!