Oh, Tom Bergeron. He just said, "It's raining men." Who writes this crap? Tom claims that the women set the bar really high, so the men have their work cut out for them. Oh, Tom Bergeron. He just called it "Testosterone Tuesday." And it's LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Tom and Drew welcome us back. There's something weird about Drew's face. Like he needs to have taller hair or something. So they introduce all the women again, and Sabrina is wearing a red satin dress, and you really can't wear satin unless your body is perfectly hard and toned, which hers is not. It's not a good look. I swear, I think Jennie Garth lost weight since last night. Her face looks thinner. Maybe she saw herself on television and took some water pills because she thought she looked puffy. Tom and Drew explain that the men will be dancing tonight, in case you missed the hints in the opening with the raining men and the testosterone comments. Let's remember what happened just last night! I've already recapped this once so I'll skip it this time around. Except to say that Alec? Is pissed that Josie sucks so hard. He wouldn't even talk in his interview. He could be pissed at the judges, I guess, but I'm going to take it as him being mad at Josie because she sucks. ["Yeah, I think after getting bounced with Paulina Porizkova out of the gate last year, he thought maybe they wouldn't give him the biggest stiff since John Ratzenberger, since there does seem to be some attempt to share the wealth among the professional dancers, in terms of their partners." -- Miss Alli]
After a brief lesson on the foxtrot and the cha-cha (which we didn't see last night for some reason), there's a break before Cameron Mathison comes on. I just realized that Cameron is competing against himself, because I Want To Be A Soap Star is on Tuesday nights at 8 PM as well. Cameron is dancing with Edyta. Cameron reveals that he had a childhood disease and had to wear leg braces, and he's still a little stiff and inflexible. Cameron also continues to work full time on All My Children, so he's flying back and forth across the country to be on the show.
Cameron and Edyta dance the foxtrot. Cameron is...not that good. His upper body is just okay, and his footwork is horrible, especially in terms of precision. They try to cover it up by having Edyta do some flashy spins and slides and whatnot, but I don't think he's long for this competition. His soap fanbase might carry him a few weeks, but it depends on how horrible the others are. Len compares Cameron's dancing to a faucet, where it was smooth for a while but also had some drips. Overall, Len thought it was fine. Bruno agrees that Cameron lost it a bit in the middle, but thought it was okay. Carrie Ann was worried when Cameron started off a bit stiff, but he managed to loosen up a bit as they went on. The judges reveal their scores: 7, 7, and 7. That sounds about right, if maybe a little high. I don't think they were as good as, say, Jennie Garth, and she got the same score.
The couple to dance is Floyd "The Best Fighter In The World" Mayweather and Karina Smirnoff. Floyd explains that he's training for a championship fight while he's also training for this show. These guys are a bunch of multitaskers! Karina tries to teach Floyd some basic steps, and he has trouble even with those. He thinks it's too difficult. Karina tells him that if he's not willing to try, he'll be the first to go home, and she stomps on outta there. Floyd realizes that he needs to be less selfish, and he apologizes to her. And then they practice harder than ever. It's like a movie from the '80s! Or The Cutting Edge.
They're supposed to be doing a cha-cha-cha, but it seems pretty hip-hop to me. Mayweather has terrible posture, anyway. He would be good on a club dance floor, but it's not ballroom. He's all hunched over. I wonder if the judges will be scared to say bad things because he might punch them. Maybe I was expecting better because everyone was saying last night that he was the biggest threat. What do the judges say? Bruno thinks Floyd has an incredible energy and sense of rhythm, but he needs to channel that into technique. Len thinks Floyd has great potential, and while it wasn't a great first round (boos from the audience), he can come back stronger week in the quickstep (spoiler?). Carrie Ann thought it was fast, furious, and full-out, but it lacked finesse. They are not being nearly as mean as they were to Josie. Oh, don't make me feel bad for Josie! She dated David Blaine, for Christ's sake. The judges' scores are 6, 6, and 6. I concur, judges. The audience, however, disagrees. I really, really hate the "goofing around" bumper segments. They so clearly smack of the subjects discussing what "wacky" shit they might pull for the thirty seconds the camera is on them: "Hey, I've got an idea! Let's pretend to box each other. No! Even better! We'll do the wave! Hilarious!" Bleh.
up are Helio Castroneves and Julianne Hough. I don't know if you've heard, but Helio has won the Indy 500 twice. He has a lot of teeth. Julianne has aged since last season. It might be her Farrah hair. While they are training, Helio gets in a crash during one of his races and hurts his knee. He keeps screwing up, but he says he can't blame his knee because it's really that he doesn't know the steps.
Helio and Julianne start the foxtrot. I like that he's wearing a tuxedo with tails. It's very elegant and he pulls it off. I like Julianne's choreography; it's elegant but also has playful moments, without being cheesy. Usually. They dance to a song called "Bewitched," and at the end, Julianne does the Samantha Stevens nose twitch, which of course looks adorable, because she's like a kitten. Let's find out what the judges think! Carrie Ann thinks Helio is a natural. Bruno calls Helio "the king of charm," and like Carrie Ann, he praises the choreography. Hey, I said that too! I could be a judge on this show. Except that I don't know anything about the rules of ballroom dancing. Len also has only good things to say. They flash to the female competitors, who all look a little worried. The scores are: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9 (!), and Bruno 8. Has Len ever given a higher score than the other two?
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up is Albert Reed and Anna Trebunskaya. Albert is a male model I've never heard of. Anna has been off the show for two seasons so that she could compete professionally. As they start practicing, Anna gets frustrated at how much Albert likes to goof off. Albert makes a bunch of Zoolander jokes and suggests that they incorporate that into their dance. Anna is game.
So they start doing the cha-cha-cha. Anna rips off his jacket to reveal a shirt cut down to his navel. Hey, play to your strengths. He's not bad. And he doesn't mind making fun of himself, which I always enjoy. For the first week, this is quite good. Lots of energy, and some good moves. The female contestants are practically giving him a standing ovation. Let's hear what the judges think! Len thought he "gyrated, rotated and pulsated," and it was great fun. Bruno thought "the crotch action was like a warp drive." I don't know what that means, but I guess it's good. Carrie Ann is at a loss for words. She realizes that they put on some razzle-dazzle to distract from the lack of dance moves, and Bruno says that no one cared about the lack of dance moves. Scores! They get 7s across the board, which shows that, at least at this stage of the game, the judges are interested in mechanics a little bit. Albert says he doesn't have a big fanbase, but promises that he'll take his shirt off in a few weeks if he stays around. I get what he's going for, but I'm sure there are eight million photos of him available with no shirt on.
Mark Cuban is up . He explains that he started a site called broadcast.com, which sold for billions of dollars, and now he owns the Dallas Mavericks. He also clearly thinks a lot of himself, and I kind of hate him. His partner is Kym Johnson. Mark reveals to Kym that he'll work hard, but he just had his hip replaced seven weeks ago. How old is he? That doesn't seem like a young man's problem. Maybe he has a congenital problem. I notice that they leave out the part where Mark was a disco dance instructor in college. As they practice, Kym recognizes that Mark is in pain, but he wants to keep going.
So let's see if all that practice paid off. Mark does a lot of mugging for the camera and the judges, and he sings along to "King of the Road" as they dance. He's pretty good, at least in terms of knowing the moves, and he's pretty light on his feet, which is sometimes a problem for the dudes. The mugging has got to stop, though. When they finish, Tom comments that everyone seems to be having a lot of fun tonight. Bruno calls Mark a "bouncing, bionic billionaire" but says that his technique needs work. Carrie Ann thinks Mark needs to work on posture and footwork, but she liked his showmanship. She also tells him to keep his tongue in his mouth. Len thought it was good for someone who is not an entertainer. They, like so many before, get 7s across the board. Kym looks thrilled with those numbers, so I guess she was expecting much less.
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The final performer of the evening is Mr. Wayne Newton with his partner, Cheryl Burke. Wayne explains that he missed out on a lot of normal experiences because he's been performing since he was a teen. When they rehearse, Wayne is very sweaty. OH MY GOD! I just saw the most awesome thing ever. Wayne was explaining that he stays fit through waterskiing and karate. And then he does some karate moves in front of the Las Vegas sign. If someone could send me that clip as an animated gif, I would love you forever. Wayne confesses that he's nervous to go on stage for the first time in his life. He asks if they cut tape when you screw up, and Cheryl has to explain to him that it's a live show. Oh, Wayne. Don't you listen at the beginning of every episode when Tom yells, "LIIIIIIIIVE!"?
Wayne and Cheryl are doing the cha-cha-cha. He looks old. Not just his face, but the way he moves his body is very stiff, and he seems to do a lot of marching in place. There's no hip action at all. But he does seem to remember the sequence of moves, which is good. I think he'll get the Jerry Springer vote, at least for a few weeks. He does get a standing ovation from the audience, probably because he didn't have a heart attack. Judges? Carrie Ann points out how old Wayne is, like thanks, Carrie Ann. She advises him to open up his hips. Len thinks tonight was super-fun, and while Wayne wasn't aggressive, he had the basic moves down. Bruno calls Wayne "the Sizzler from Sin City," and he advises Wayne to go for more hip action and better foot placement. Time for scores! Carrie Ann gives a 6, Len gives a 7, and Bruno gives a 6. Damn! That's low. Cheryl, who you'll remember was Drew's partner, says that Wayne is probably the best partner she's had. Drew pretends to be mad.
Tom reminds us that someone is going home tomorrow, and the camera does a close-up on Josie. Mean! Here are the men's scores so far:
Helio and Julianne: 25
Cameron and Edyta: 21
Albert and Anna: 21
Mark and Kym: 21
Wayne and Cheryl: 19
Floyd and Karina: 18
So Josie is still the lowest score overall, which they don't mention. We'll find out tomorrow night who is going home. I'm going to predict Josie. Not only did she get a low score from the judges, but she probably doesn't have a huge fanbase. Although people might feel bad for her, and throw her the sympathy vote. Who knows? See you tomorrow night.
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