Tom Bergeron opens up by introducing the new season, and actually refers to the dancers as "warriors," which, really? Doesn't that somehow cheapen actual warriors? Tom promises us that this cast is the most exciting ever, and that this week, it will be men vs. women. Tonight is women. Tomorrow is men. Wednesday is the first results show. I'm glad they're kicking someone out the first week. That no-elimination stuff is bullshit. And Tom yells "Liiiiiiiiiiiive" as we see the credits for the first time. I'm going to hold off on talking about each contestant until he or she is introduced with a clip package, which I'm sure will happen shortly.
Hey, did you know this show is live? And Samantha went and had a baby girl yesterday, so Drew Lachey is co-hosting. I'm not happy with Drew's facial hair. It's too sparse, so he looks like that kid in sixth grade who's already shaving, but in retrospect you realize that his growth was not that impressive. Anyway, there's a dance number to start us off, but it's just the professionals, so they're actually, you know, good. I like when the celebrities do group numbers, because there's always the chance that someone will fall or bump into something or lose an article of clothing. Not so much with the pros. This whole number is very reminiscent of the dance hall scene in A League of Their Own, which I totally watched on TBS yesterday.
After the dance number, it's time to meet the celebrities this season. First up, Jennie Garth, continuing the Steve Sanders tradition. She's dancing with Derek (brother to last season's champion, Julianne). up: Josie Maran. I don't know who that is. Is she on a soap? She's dancing with Alec. Sabrina is one of the Cheetah Girls from the Disney Channel, guaranteeing the tween vote as she dances with Mark. They're flashing the voting numbers as the people are introduced, so they're not even pretending it's about the dancing anymore. Marie Osmond is dancing with Jonathan. Mel B (a.k.a. Scary Spice, a.k.a. Eddie Murphy's baby mama) is dancing with Maks. They're my early pick. Jane "Dr. Quinn" Seymour is dancing with Tony.
Now it's time for the dudes. Cameron "Host of I Wanna Be a Soap Star" Mathison is dancing with Edyta. And he trips walking down the stairs, which doesn't bode well. Boxer Floyd Mayweather is dancing with Karina. Helio "Indy 500 Champion" Castroneves is dancing with Julianne, who looks to have aged like ten years since last season. She doesn't look haggy or anything -- she just looks more polished. Model Albert Reed (my cousin -- just kidding) is dancing with Anna. Mark "My Nemesis" Cuban is dancing with Kym. Poor Cheryl got saddled with Wayne "Geriatric" Newton. And that's your field for this season. The camera pans down the row and the various contestants mug for the camera.
Drew explains that tonight, the women will be dancing either a foxtrot or a cha-cha. As always, the audience votes are combined with the judges' scores to determine who will get the boot.
First up: Jennie "I Choose Me" Garth. I actually have a student named Kelly Taylor this semester, and it is so difficult for me to not make a crack every time I call roll. But she is barely out of high school, so I'm sure she wouldn't get the reference. In Jennie's clip package, she informs us that she's a wife (to Peter Facinelli!) and mother of three. She's been watching the show a long time. Her partner is Derek Hough, who claims that he's "not as macho" as the other dancers. Really? Is that your claim to fame? Derek heads over to Jennie's house to meet her, and Jennie announces that she knows nothing about dancing. They start practicing the cha-cha. Jennie says it's difficult for her to be the center of attention, and that the dancing doesn't feel natural to her. Derek is worried that Jennie doesn't have the confidence she needs.
And now they dance! The song is "Uptown Girl." Derek is wearing a sort-of mechanic's uniform, and Jennie has a pretty navy dress on. Good color for her. She is doing pretty well -- she even pulls off a split. Derek is really...flamboyant? That's not the right word. Expressive? With his arm movements? Not my favorite dance style. Jennie is cracking herself up, but in kind of a charming way. She's quite graceful -- I wonder if she's had ballet training. The Fac is there to cheer her on. While we're waiting for the judges, they show us the band and singers and I swear one of the lady singers was actually a dude. She might want to tone down the tranny-style makeup. Anyway, judging. Len thought Jennie had good hip action, but needs to work on her leg action. He sounds overall impressed though. Bruno has nothing but compliments, except for some advice on the leg work. Carrie Ann says Jennie needs to get a little more confident, but for going first, she did great. Backstage, Derek tells Drew that it was Jennie's best performance thus far. The judges give them straight 7s. I think the judges are being more careful about not inflating the scores so early so they don't end up like last season, with straight 10s the last few weeks. I like it.
Tom makes some gross joke about the men relaxing tonight and the women suffering from performance anxiety. Blech. Oh, Josie Maran is apparently a supermodel. She says that people might know her from some movies she's been in. No one knows her from that. They all know her because she appeared half-naked in Sports Illustrated. I think I know her from dating someone famous -- did she date David Blaine? Or someone else in the pussy posse? Okay, I looked it up, and she dated both David Blaine and Brett Ratner. I could never root for her now. Alec says he won Season One and then he was the first to go last season, and he preferred the former to the latter. Alec and Josie start rehearsing, and Alec realizes that Josie is kind of uncoordinated and also "deceptively unfit." He compares her body to Jell-O. So he makes her work out to build some muscle.
Josie is not playing to her strengths (no pun intended after that last segment) with her outfit -- it's very old-looking. Like I would expect Marie Osmond or Jane Seymour to wear it. Josie does a pretty good job with posture, but I guess that might be the modeling experience. Alec is very crotch-y. Time for judging! Len thought it was elegant, but he noticed that they did the whole routine "in hold" because Josie wouldn't do well freeform. The crowd boos. Carrie Ann thinks Josie is out of her element, but she still did a good job. Carrie Ann advises her to continue building her strength. Bruno thinks the foxtrot requires a lot of control, which Josie doesn't have. He wants her to return week and knock them dead. Backstage, Drew advises Josie to shake it off, because Len is old and crazy. I like having Drew interview them, because he can actually empathize with what the celebrities are experiencing. I think Sam's maternity leave just got extended. Anyway, the scores are Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5. Ouch. So they get a 16 out of 30. Drew urges everyone to vote. Back to Tom, who says he's going to judge Drew's assessment of Len, and then holds up a paddle that says 10.
As much as I'm enjoying Drew's hosting, it's a little weird to see two dudes hosting the show. Plus, Drew's orange tie is not helping to make his tan look any less fake. Sabrina is up , and she promises to bring some "Cheetah-licious flavor." No, thank you. Actually, if that tastes anything like Cheetos, that might not be bad. And after eating them, I would wipe my hands on Drew's face, and you wouldn't even be able to tell. Sabrina is dancing with Mark. He demonstrates for her the difference between hip-hop moves and Latin moves. I applaud Sabrina for being less than stick-thin. I like tween role models who look like normal girls. Anyway, Sabrina has trouble breaking her hip-hop habits, so they decide to try to incorporate the hip-hop into the routine. We'll see how Len feels about that.
They're dancing to that Pussycat Dolls song. Sabrina is quite hip-hop in her moves, but at least she's got a lot of energy and her moves are pretty sharp. But almost too much, for my taste. The crowd gives them a standing ovation, and the judges can't even hear Tom. Carrie Ann thinks Sabrina was fierce, but she thought it was too much hip-hop, since Sabrina is supposed to be learning ballroom. Tom isn't sure if Bruno's facial expression is good or bad. Bruno explodes, "Sabrina! You are a bewitching blonde dynamo!" He thought her footwork had "almost surgical precision" and he's never seen anything like that in the first week. Len tells Bruno to take a chill pill, and Bruno pretends to be offended. Len says he'll knock off a few points because of the hip-hop moves, which the crowd boos. I think that's fair. She's supposed to be judged on her ability to learn ballroom routines. We already know she's a good hip-hop dancer. So let's find out the scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 9. That's a 26 out of 30. Sabrina says she's not sorry for doing the hip-hop moves, because she knows her fans will love it. Good point. I kind of hate her. She's like a Disney marketing robot.
Let's meet Marie and Jonathan! Marie says she's done every type of performance but dancing. She thinks a lot of women find themselves single, over forty-five, and with a lot of kids, and she wants to show them that they can still have fun. Yeah, if they have an empire built on purple socks and creepy dolls. Marie announces to Jonathan that she wants to be the first woman to win since Season One. Marie says that she's competitive, but she also has trouble focusing because she likes to be goofy. Marie concludes with a joke about how big her family is, and how they will all be calling in to vote for her.
Marie and Jonathan are dancing to "I Hear a Symphony," which I love. Marie does look to be having a great time out there, although I think she suffers from going right after Sabrina, who is both sharper and younger, with more energy. This just seems kind of old-fashioned. And there's some sort of weird moment where Jonathan pretends to pull up the hem of Marie's dress like he's going to expose her thigh and she bites her finger. I think Marie is not a bad dancer; I don't think this was the best choreography. All eighteen of her kids are in the audience, whooping it up. Bruno calls Marie "classy, yet sassy." He thinks that Marie's acting in the dance covered some technical problems. Len was surprised by how good Marie was, and he enjoyed it a lot. I think he has a crush on her. Carrie Ann thinks Marie is adorable, and had great confidence, and that Marie was also technically pretty good. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Drew asks Marie if she really thinks she can win this thing, and Marie says she'll give it a shot.
Mel B reminds us that she was in the Spice Girls, but it was a very different style of dancing, and she could just laugh off her mistakes. Her partner, Maks, loves himself. That's all you need to know. I am not his biggest fan, to say the least. Maks says that Mel is "very cheeky," which comes across in her dancing. She has a hard time ceding control to her partner. This could be an interesting battle of egos. Anyway, Mel doesn't want to let herself or her partner down.
I have to say, Mel's body looks amazing for having given birth so recently. Wow. They are good. I just stopped typing and watched the routine, the first time I've done so this episode. She looks like a pro, except that she looks a bit winded near the end. Let's see if the judges agree. Carrie Ann liked the energy, and Mel was better than she anticipated. She thinks they need to work on their syncing. Len liked the whole thing, and advises the men to do the same tomorrow night. Bruno calls Mel "a feisty kitten" and he likes it. Where does Bruno come up with these things? I can't tell you how excited I am for Dolly Parton to be on Wednesday. And Kenny Mayne! More DanceCenter? Please? The scores are announced: 8, 8, and 8.
up is Jane Seymour, and they make a big deal about how she was a Bond girl, but I know her better as Dr. Quinn, and more recently, the cougar in Wedding Crashers. She used to dance ballet, but had to quit after an injury. Her partner is Tony. Jane thinks their strategy should be "class and grace" and to position her as "the English rose." Jane points out that she's the oldest woman to do this show. Damn, she's beautiful. Tony thinks Jane actually pushes herself too hard, and relates it back to her losing her dancing career at a young age.
They will be dancing the foxtrot to "Let's Fall in Love." Very elegant and graceful. I hope she sticks around, because I'd like to see how she'd do with a jive or quickstep. They execute a beautiful dip and a spin. Jane is a little stiff at the end, to my eye, but let's see what the judges think. Bruno thinks it was "the essence of elegance" and he loved the details, like hand movements. Carrie Ann thinks they did a good job of maintaining posture while still being lively. Len compliments Tony's choreography as well, and advises them to watch their turns. Scores: 8, 8, and 8.
week, the men and women will dance on the same night. Then there's a clip package where each of the male contestants announces that he really wants to win. Everyone thinks Floyd Mayweather is a huge threat in the competition. And then Mark Cuban says he's coming hard and I have to go throw up for ten years.
Let's take one last look at the judges' scores:
Sabrina and Mark: 26
Mel and Maks: 24
Jane and Tony: 24
Jennie and Derek: 21
Marie and Jonathan: 21
Josie and Alec: 16
Damn. Josie and Alec really bit the big one. Anyway, tomorrow night, the men will dance, and I guess only one couple will be eliminated on Wednesday, so it's whoever has the lowest overall score, regardless of gender.