For the final night, all of the contestants from this season have returned! And man, are there some people I forgot were ever on this show. Like Paulina Porizkova. Or Shandi Finnessey. Each contestant is introduced and heads out to the floor to do a little move. You know who I didn't miss AT ALL? Heather Mills. Also? Billy Ray Cyrus. I did miss J Rat though. My coworker and I were actually passing notes during a meeting today discussing who we thought would win. She missed part of last night's episode (what kind of fan is she?), so she didn't feel like she could make a pick, but she's a Laila fan. I was leaning towards Joey, but we agreed (unlike American Idol) that we thought any of the final three would be a deserving champion.
Now it's time to rehash last night's episode. And you know what? I already recapped it once, so just go read it if you really need to know. When the recap is over, Tom and Samantha explain the scoring, and they remind us that the judges will get to judge one last routine by each couple, coming up !
Hey, we've got two hours to kill. Why not take a look back at all of the seasons, huh? Wow, I was just reminded how much I kind of despised Mario Lopez. Anyway, it all started with a British dancing showcase called Come Dancing. It was revived, celebrities were added, and it was renamed Strictly Come Dancing. Then it was exported to America. Joey McIntyre says that he thought the producers were insane when they asked him to join the lineup. John O'Hurley reveals that many other networks turned it down. Kicking yourselves now, NBC? Remember when they were the "too good for reality" network? That was before Deal or No Deal. Thirteen million viewers tuned in for the premiere, including Sars, Wing, and me, sitting on my couch and marveling over Joey McIntire's tight pants. Kelly Monaco remembers how the judges didn't like her in the beginning, but she won them over as time went on, and she ultimately won the first trophy. Boy, she was a lot cuter when she was on the show. What happened to her?
So then the second season happened, and it included George Hamilton and Master P. But it also included Jerry Rice, Stacey Keibler, and Drew Lachey. Aw, I loved little, tiny Drew Lachey. Drew says that winning the show changed his life both emotionally and professionally. He went on the road as part of the DWTS national tour. I really can't imagine going to see people ballroom dancing in a local war memorial or giant concrete auditorium unless I had front-row seats.
Just to break things up, let's have a routine done to "It's Oh So Quiet" by the professionals.
And back to the history lesson. The show was introduced in many other countries. Finally, the third season started in this country. Sara Evans left in the middle of the show due to her messy divorce. Also, Mario hooked up with Karina, and Willa hooked up with Maksim. But let's not talk about anything that might actually be interesting; let's talk about Jerry Springer. It all came down to Mario and Emmitt, and in the end, Emmitt took the title. And I was PSYCHED! I hated that smarmy Slater. I read this story which was probably not at all true but it SEEMS like it should be true; that after the finale last season, Mario was wandering around L.A. asking people why they didn't vote for him, still trying to figure it all out. I enjoyed that mental image. A bunch of the professionals talk about how the show has made ballroom dancing more popular than ever. John O'Hurley repeats my theory of how to get huge television ratings -- put on a television show that is interesting but not that challenging, and that parents and kids can watch together. This show qualifies, and so does Idol, and so does Deal or No Deal. I'm available for consulting work, network presidents. Just call me at 1-800-STATING THE OBVIOUS.
Man, Samantha's boobs are just busting out of her dress. I actually watched her on Kimmel last night, and her parents used to take her to Renaissance Faires when she was a kid, and then she got a job when she was in ninth grade (!), parading around the local mall in a bikini. It explains so much. Anyway, Apolo and Julianne discuss doing a dance that they're already done, which will be scored by the judges. Apolo suggests the mambo, but Julianne points out that the judges didn't love that. They decide instead to redo their paso doble. Oh, yeah. This is that song that sounds like "My Darling Clementine" but down old Mexico way. Apolo seems much more confident than he did the first time they performed this, but his timing also seems a little off. Their jumps weren't exactly synced and the ending was a few beats late. The audience gives them a standing ovation, both for the performance and for their last dance together. Len goes first, and says that he admires Apolo's ability to always come back stronger, and he couldn't find anything to complain about. Carrie Ann starts talking , but the camera can't find her at first. It wouldn't be DWTS without shoddy camera work. Anyway, she likes how they minded the details. Bruno compliments their youthful and fresh spin on every routine. Okay, they headed backstage and I really thought I saw Sam's nipple. I'm not trying to be gross – that dress just wasn't the best sartorial choice for a pregnant lady. Apolo thanks the fans and his friends. Julianne thanks Apolo for being a great partner. And now the scores: 10, 10, and 10. I feel like that might not be the only perfect score tonight. Apolo and Julianne are thrilled.
Joey gets to go . He and Kym discuss which routine to do over again. Should they do the paso doble? Kym thinks the Star Wars tango was Joey's best, and she thinks there was also a lot of room for improvement. Interesting strategy. Joey says that he's improved a lot since then (not to mention dropped a lot of weight) so he thinks they can do it. As they begin, I find all the crew moving around in the audience distracting. I think the problem with this routine is that, when it was choreographed, Joey didn't have as much skill, so it's kind of basic relative to what he's been doing lately. My husband, a Star Wars fan, is quite confused by the whole thing. He asked me, "I get that she's supposed to be Leia in the gold bikini, but what's he? Ben Kenobi on a job interview?" Good question. What do the judges think? Bruno thinks Joey goes for maximum entertainment value. Carrie Ann likes that Joey makes every routine his own, and that his technique improved. Len thinks Joey's dancing is raw and shows his personality, and is also impressed with his improvement from the first attempt weeks earlier. What are the scores? They are a 10, 10, and 10. It kind of negates the impact of having one last scored dance when the judges are just giving everyone perfect scores.
These staged conversations where the couples discuss which dance to do again are kind of lame. Maksim suggests that he and Laila do the samba, since they got perfect scores. Laila was too nervous during that one, and she suggests they do the mambo. Maks worries she won't remember the routine, but like Joey, he wants to do one where she didn't get a great score, so she can showcase her improvement. Mambo it is. They dance well together, and it seems like Laila is really enjoying herself. As Len would say, there's a lot of content, if not a ton of razzle-dazzle. Carrie Ann thinks the mambo is Laila's dance. Len really enjoyed it, and so did Bruno. See? It was good, and technically correct, but the judges can't even come up with something funny or exciting to say, and neither can I. Sam asks Laila if people have responded differently to her since she's been on the show. Laila totally wins my heart by saying that it's possible to be both strong and sexy, but she's glad for the opportunity to show off a different side. The judges' scores are 10, 10, and 10. See? Pointless.
How else can we waste some time? How about we hear from the friends and family of the contestants? They were surprised that the contestants went on the show. They were nervous. They were impressed by the transition the contestants made over the weeks. They were proud. And , we'll find out which contestant will finish in third place.
It's time for the big (not biggest, but big) reveal. The third place team is...Laila and Maksim. I agree with that actually. Laila pretends like she doesn't want to come down from the stage. Tom asks what she'll take with her. Laila says that she had a lot of fun getting to know everyone, and enjoyed the crew as well. Laila adds that she's pissed. Can you say that on television? Hey, let's watch a clip package about Laila's journey.
There's still about forty-five minutes left. What in the hell are they going to do to fill this time? Dance Center? COME ON!
Oh, the eliminated contestants are returning for one last dance. Or segment of a dance. I think Paulina got a raw deal. She was really so much worse than Billy Ray? I know, she just didn't have the fan base. Why is Shandi's partner dressed like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas? This whole segment is reminding me why these people got eliminated in the first place.
Oh, goody! More eliminated contestants! Heather Mills had no business making it as far as she did. Who in the hell was voting for her? Oh, John Ratzenberger. I think I loved you best of all, but I didn't appreciate you because I kind of hate your partner and also I was too busy hating Billy Ray. I hope they don't interview Billy Ray and give him the opportunity to say heel-billy again. Speaking of Billy Ray, he's wearing a mullet, which would look ridiculous except that it's exactly what he looked like back in the day. Ian revives his Elvis routine. He's about ten thousand times more relaxed than he ever was while he was competing. He could have made it to the finals if he were this relaxed. And wow, those are some tight pants he's wearing.
Jimmy Kimmel. Guillermo dressed as a lady. Fake dancing DVD informercial. Ha? Okay, there's one funny bit where Clay Aiken pretends like he wants to buy Guillermo's mustache, only because it's funny to see Clay Aiken wearing a dorky mustache. The sad thing is that Tom has to announce that the DVD isn't real, because you know ABC's message boards would be overrun with people wondering where to buy the thing.
Tom asks the eliminated celebrities what they will miss least about being on the show. Paulina won't miss being judged. Shandi won't miss the pain. Leeza won't miss vowing to do better. Clyde won't miss the long practices. Heather misses the point and says she'll miss Tom the most. John asks for Tom's job. Billy Ray plugs his album. Ian is totally a rules-follower and says he won't miss the shoes that hurt his feet. Laila says she's still in shock over third place and can't answer questions. Samantha promises that she won't let Tom leave the show, like A) she has any say over it and B) she wouldn't be the one to leave if someone got canned.
I'm still wondering how they will kill the remaining time. They're going to compare Joey and Apolo. This is basically a rehash of last week where Len talked about the athletes versus the entertainers. Len reveals that Joey has had more standing ovations than anyone in any season. Len calls Apolo "the Greek god of war" and my husband gets all huffy, because Ares is the god of war, and he knows nerdy stuff like that, because he was a Classics minor in college. Hands off, ladies. He's mine.
Sam interviews the former winners. Kelly talks about the incredible energy of the stage. Drew advises the finalists to just enjoy the whirlwind that happens after the show ends. Emmitt says (again) that he will now be known as a dancer instead of a football player.
Apolo and Julianne. They really like each other. They enjoyed dancing together. Joey and Kym. They liked each other instantly. Kym thinks Joey is becoming a ballroom dancer. They work well together. Can you tell I'm getting bored with all the fluff and filler? Couldn't they have at least had a good musical performance or something? And have they always started promoting new fall shows during May sweeps? I don't remember that happening before, or at least not to this extent.
FINALLY! It's time to reveal the champions. And the winners are...Apolo and Julianne. They seem really, really surprised! Apolo actually screams like a girl. Apolo tells Tom that he feels amazing, and even gives credit to Joey, who looks disappointed. I really think part of Apolo's win should be credited to his humble nature; that's what he had over Joey. Tom awards Apolo and Julianne with their trophy. I think those two should get married and have tiny, dancing babies that fit right in your pocket. Hee! Behind Apolo, you can see Bruno just loving up on Laila, hugging and kissing her, and Laila looking incredibly uncomfortable. So that's it! See you in the fall!