Last night, in case you missed it, the contestants had to learn two dances in one week. Joey and Laila both managed to get perfect scores for one of their dances! But tonight, someone is going home. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! (I seriously love how Tom yells that. Just listen to it sometime.)
Samantha looks pregnant for the first time tonight. I don't know why I'm kind of obsessed with that, except that there's so much filler in these results episodes that I have to have something to keep myself amused. Tom recaps the events from last night. Ian released his lighter side and enjoyed himself, and afterwards, he seemed elated. People doubted whether John could pull off two dances, but he impressed the judges. Billy Ray "exceeded all entertainment expectation," which means that he didn't exceed anyone's dance expectations. Which is pretty difficult, since expectations are quite low. Billy Ray makes his "heelbilly" joke again, which I'm pretty tired of by now. Apolo took a hit with the judges, and Julianne's dress almost fell off. During their interview, Julianne tells Len, "You're going to get it and you're going to get it hard." Dirty! Laila got a perfect score for her samba, and Len made a weird reference to her dad after telling her how sexy she was. Joey managed to eke out a perfect score for his jive, with all the judges agreeing that he did a great job. In his interview, Joey seems a little cocky, boasting about his perfect score, but he reels it back to admit that they have a lot of work ahead of them. People like humility, Joey, as long as it's not forced. We get one last reminder of the standings at the end of last night, with Laila and Joey tied for first, Apolo and Ian tied for third, John fifth and Billy Ray sixth. I realize they don't dance alone, but it gets tiresome to type out the partners' names each time, so I hope you'll forgive the shorthand.
Tom throws it to Len to ask who he would like to see do an encore. Len reminds him that they had two couples with perfect scores and couldn't decide between them, so they tossed a coin. The encore goes to Laila and Maksim, doing the samba. Oh, great. More Maksim hip action. I just find that so gross. He's a good-looking guy, but not my type. Too cheesy and soap opera-ish. My husband just accidentally called Laila "Lolly Ali," which made me laugh harder than it should have.
And now it's time for Mr. Loaf! Meat Loaf (really?) is there to perform "Bat Out of Hell" as the professionals dance. I wonder how much Meat Loaf spends annually on velvet. And scarves. The professionals start their dance with the three women leaping off the judges' stand into the arms of their partners, which is quite impressive. I would fall flat on my ass. How come no one mentions that most of the professionals had to learn another dance on top of the two they did with their partners (those that are still in competition, anyway)? And choreograph the two dances with their partners. I know it's their job and everything, but that still seems like a lot of work. You know who I don't miss in the competition? Louis. Never liked him. Boy, this song is long. I remember at my cousin's wedding, my mom and I were dancing to "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" (my mom had a weakness for the Loaf) and one of my mom's friends was super impressed that I knew all of the words. I explained that anyone who spent any length of time in a college dorm or college bar knows the words to that song. I haven't heard the song since, and I could probably sing it straight through right now. And so could thousands of other people, which is why Meat Loaf has more money than me.
Samantha interviews Joey and Ian, and they joke around as usual. Samantha asks Joey about how he said Ian was too serious, and Joey blames the editing. Ian takes the ball and runs with it, sarcastically remarking how Joey was the driving force behind N*SYNC and not Justin or anything. It kind of annoys me that Justin is too big for this show. I shouldn't say that -- he could still show up. And I think he's on tour right now. But it's more fun to pretend like Justin is too busy complaining in magazine articles and talking to his mom on the phone to support his old bandmate. Joey takes the joking in stride, laughing. Those two clearly enjoy each other.
Tom throws it to Kenny Mayne and Jerry Rice in a fake SportsCenter show called DanceCenter. They talk about Ian, and show him saying, "Anything less than a hundred percent is...is not a hundred percent." Then they show a graph illustrating the inanity of that statement, which actually made me giggle. Then they use a telestrator to draw on the screen like John Madden and point out Ian's errors, and I seriously wish they would do that every week because I know to nothing about ballroom dancing (like a good percentage of the viewers, I'd wager) and it would be interesting to me if the judges pointed out the mistakes. The celebrities might not like that, though. Kenny concludes that Ian's partner Cheryl has won two seasons in a row, so women hate her and she has no shot, as the audience laughs.
is the analysis of Laila, who some people call "the female Emmitt Smith." Who does? Jerry takes offense to that, and wonders why she's not the female Jerry Rice. They wonder if the women will vote for the one remaining woman. Len thinks that will happen, and hopes Laila stretches her abilities and challenges herself. Kenny reminds us that Laila broke form a few weeks ago, but Jerry thinks it doesn't matter.
The up for analysis is Joey, who they say is no longer "the Fat One," which is true. He looks great and they say he's lost over seventy pounds. Kenny points out that Joey's scores show that he's technically sound. They go to the telestrator to show how big Joey's butt is, and Kenny actually circles it on the screen to the amusement of the audience.
That was actually pretty awesome, and they promised to bring it back later in the show to analyze the remaining competitors. BUT FIRST (Chenbot shout-out) -- we will find out the status of some of the couples. Laila and Maksim are safe. The first couple in the bottom two is...John and Edyta. No big surprise, there, although the crowd boos anyway. I just realized one of the things I don't like about Edyta -- her hair. It's scraggly. As they go to break, Billy Ray goes over and hugs John.
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, we get to see some little kids dancing to "Boogie Shoes." The little boy's pants are really shiny. You know what? I'm not going to make fun of the kids. The celebrities? The professional dancers? Sure. But I'm going to draw the line at making fun of the kids. They are all very talented. As my grandmother would say, bless their hearts. Or she'd use her other favorite word -- precious.
Samantha heads backstage to talk to Billy Ray, Ian, Joey, and Apolo. Billy Ray is pretty sure he's going to be in the bottom two. Everyone else tries to sound like they're worried, but they don't seem that worried. They're all pretty sure it's Billy Ray.
Yay! Back to DanceCenter with Kenny, Jerry, and Len. The up for analysis is John Ratzenberger, who Kenny calls "J Rat." Kenny says he has no skills, and he's about seventy or eighty years old, but people love him. Kenny is cracking me up. Kenny wonders if John likes the gimmicks a little too much, and Jerry agrees.
Now they have to analyze Billy Ray. Jerry thinks Billy Ray has a lot of heart. Len adds that Billy Ray does have content in his routines. Kenny asks, "Why are you giving him such crappy scores, then?" HA! Loving Kenny.
The last to be analyzed is Apolo. They have his height listed as 5'8" which I find quite difficult to believe. Len points out Apolo's great technical skills. Kenny thinks Apolo is good at the fast moves, and some worry that he won't be able to slow down. Kenny thinks that's dumb. They use the telestrator to point out Apolo's facial hair, and Len says that real dancers don't have facial hair. Kenny says goodbye â NOOO! I would rather have a whole episode of DanceCenter instead of stupid Meat Loaf performing his new single.
Speaking of which, here's Meat Loaf performing his new single. My husband points out that it's difficult to see Meat Loaf now without remembering his boobs in Fight Club. Anyway, at least there's pretty people waltzing while he sings, so at least there's something to look at.
Jimmy Kimmel is back to give us a lesson on the cha-cha with Guillermo. I like Jimmy Kimmel, but this segment relies a little too much on "Isn't it hilarious when men like other men" humor for my taste. Like at the end, Jimmy, Guillermo, and Tom Bergeron are in bed together. Get it? That's hilarious!
Now it's time to find out some more results. Apolo and Julianne are safe. I could just put them in my pocket.
Audience predictions. Jennie Garth wants Ian to move on because he's working so hard. Some weird lady thinks Billy Ray is sexy. Weirdo. A woman thinks Joey jokes around too much. Tori Spelling is obviously rooting for Ian, but she admits that everyone is working hard. Another woman thinks elimination from this show is "the toughest night of the week." Well. I think our troops overseas might disagree, but I don't mean to bring the room down or anything.
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Now we find out who gets the red light and joins John and Edyta in the bottom two. It's between Joey, Ian, and Billy Ray. Ian and Cheryl are safe. Wouldn't it be shocking if Joey ended up in the bottom two? It would be, but it's not happening. Billy Ray and Karina are in the bottom two, and Billy Ray is not surprised.
After the break, it's time to find out who's going home. And it's...John and Edyta. Billy Ray seems actually pissed off, like he was trying to throw it. Damn his huge fan base! John and Edyta get a standing ovation from everyone including the judges. John says he was thrilled to be part of it, and he appreciates Edyta's help. Samantha reminds us that John joined the cast late, and Edyta says she didn't think they'd make it this far, but John reminded her to stay positive. John invites everyone out onto the floor to do the bunny hop. The band apparently doesn't know the bunny hop, so they play "Every Time You Go Away." The dancing falls apart, and everyone just hugs John. Aw. They really liked Cliff Clavin. See you week!
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