Laila's the only woman left now that Heather is gone! I forget sometimes that Billy Ray is still on this show. Doesn't it seem like he should have been gone like three weeks ago? And yet, there he is in all of his boot-scooting glory.
Ian really needs to lay off the tanning or the teeth whitening. I think you can do one or the other, but when you do both, it just looks weird. After the couples are introduced, Tom and Samantha are giddy with the giggles as they announce that the couples had to learn two dances this week. The audience is so loud that you can't even hear what Tom is saying. He throws it to Len to talk to the contestants. Len gives his usual hard line about meeting the standards of dancing, and I'm totally on Len's side by the way, although I've learned from reading the forums that the judges kind of make up their own standards sometimes.
Laila and Maksim will be first. I'm never sure if I should call her partner Maks or Max, so I just go with Maksim. Maksim gets a little lippy while teaching the samba and Laila gives him the most awesome look, like she could just lay him out with one punch, and she knows it, but she's not going to. Yet. But he had better watch his mouth. Laila concludes that performing two dances just gives her two opportunities to knock out one of the boys.
Laila and Maksim start their quickstep to "Part-Time Lover." I know a lot of people don't dig the quickstep, but it's actually one of my favorites, because it reminds me of that scene in It's A Wonderful Life where the gym floor opens up and everyone falls in the swimming pool and Jimmy Stewart just keeps dancing even after he's in the water, which I love. This quickstep doesn't look all that quick to me, though. I always remember Joey McIntyre sprinting around the floor like his pants were on fire. The judges weigh in. Len loved it, although he thought Laila's posture could be a little better. Bruno thought the couple "opened the door to ballroom heaven." What? Carrie Ann says, "Mama said knock you out," which doesn't even make sense. Who is the Mama and who is the you in this scenario? I thought Bruno was supposed to be the one talking nonsense. The judges reveal their scores to be 10, 9, and 10 for a total of 29. Wow. I didn't think it was that good, but I guess that's why I'm not a judge.
John and Edyta got really poor scores last week and ended up in the bottom two. As they rehearse, Edyta keeps harping on the fact that the rumba is supposed to be sexy, but John is old enough to be her father. So he can't be sexy? I mean, I'm not usually the biggest fan of huge age differences in couples, but it's not like it's uncommon. Stop being so snobby, Edyta. Anyway, they are going to do the foxtrot first, to "That's Life." I really like Edyta's yellow dress except for the stupid pink roses pinned to the butt. I find their routine underwhelming. Sometimes I wonder if the limitations are John's skills or Edyta's choreography, which is dull. But it could be that she has to reel it in due to John's limitations. Who knows?
Time for the judges to weigh in. Bruno thought it was elegant. Really? Carrie Ann thought it was their best dance thus far, and she encourages John not to give up. Len admits that he couldn't do what John has done at his age, and that it was great overall. Time for scores! John and Edyta get an 8, 7, and 8 for a total of 23. Edyta seems surprised and thrilled. Samantha reminds them that they're the only couple that has been in the bottom two that is still in the competition. Edyta's just happy that they finally got positive feedback from the judges.
The judges loved Apolo and Julianne's dance last week. Apolo explains that this week, they have to learn two dances (really? I hadn't heard!) and they have to train in Seattle, because Apolo is being inducted into the Asian-American Hall of Fame. Apolo vows that he will get the top spot all to himself this week! He's really serious! And also quite tiny.
They are dancing the foxtrot to "Steppin' Out." I'm not crazy about Apolo's facial expressions, which I know are a weird thing to pick on, but they're super-smarmy and cheesy. I guess his dancing is okay, so maybe that's why I focus in on the facial expressions. The crowd freaking loves him as we go to the judges. Carrie Ann admires Apolo's musicality. My husband just asked me what that means and I pretended like I knew, but I really don't. I think it has to do with grace, sort of? Len explains that he thought it was good, but not great, and Bruno and the crowd go nuts with the booing. Bruno defends the performance, and the two stooges start bickering amongst themselves. Let's find out the scores! Apolo and Julianne get a 9, 8, and a 9 for a total of 26, which is probably lower than they're used to. Samantha asks if they were surprised by the judges' reactions. Apolo says that he was, a bit, but that he hopes the fans at home will vote for them to keep them out of the bottom two.
My favorite, Ian, is up . Ian complains that last week, he did the paso doble, which he thought was supposed to be passionate, but the judges seemed to penalize him for that. His partner, Cheryl, announces that she took Carrie Ann's advice and invited Billy Ray to their rehearsal. Ian announces that he's not learning much about technique, but he did learn something about having fun. Everyone loves Billy Ray! I don't get it. Maybe Ian was just being nice.
Ian and Cheryl dance the tango to "Holding Out for a Hero." Ian seems like he's permanently bent at the waist, and maybe that's a technique in this dance or something, but it doesn't look good. It looks like he has a hernia. Or a gastrointestinal issue. Brandon Walsh is in the audience! I love the alumni showing up to support Steve Sanders. Len goes first for the judges and says that the passion and the drama were great, but there were some small blunders. Bruno thinks this was "the revenge of Ian." Aw, Ian's eyes look so sad when the judges say mean things. Carrie Ann appreciates that he tried to have fun. I'll tell you what needs to lighten up â the giant vein in Ian's forehead. It's freaking me out. I think Ian's Vein could get its own partner and come in fourth place this week. Backstage, Ian talks about how much fun they had with Billy Ray this week as they wait for their scores. Ooh, they get a 9, 9, and a 9 for a total of 27. They are thrilled with that.
Last week, the judges loved Billy Ray's energy, but this week he's got two dances to learn, and learning dances is Billy Ray's weakness. He makes the same joke he made in Ian's rehearsal about being a "heel-billy" because he dances on his heels instead of his toes. Billy Ray decides he wants to showcase Karina in the waltz, which basically means that she's going to dance around while he just stands there. Karina promises that Billy Ray is not going to get off easy. I think Karina deserves hazard pay for having to try to teach Billy Ray how to dance.
Their waltz begins with a lot of Karina floating around in a pink gown while Billy Ray doesn't do much. That part doesn't last that long, and then they are dancing together. Billy Ray doesn't do that bad, but I think he's wearing pink lip gloss, and it's not a good look. The man also has an unnatural love of fedoras. They join Tom to hear what the judges thought. Bruno agrees that it was unconventional, and he compares Billy Ray's role to Vanna White in Wheel of Fortune. He doesn't think Billy Ray is working hard enough. Carrie Ann agrees and hopes he will do better in his dance. Len enjoys the sense of fun Billy Ray brings to the audience, but he criticizes the lack of actual dance steps. In the audience, Mario Lopez wonders why he couldn't compete against this clown. Backstage, Billy Ray claims that he knows Karina is a champion and he wanted to showcase her at least once. Oh, please. Take some responsibility for the fact that you didn't want to learn yet another dance. The judges give them a 5, 6, and a 6 for a 17. Yeesh. Not good.
Joey and Kym are going to do the foxtrot, and Joey is dressed like the guy on the Monopoly box. Joey jokes that he likes to have fun, because if you get too serious, then you become Ian Ziering. Oh, that Joey. Such a card.
Joey and Kym dance to "The Way You Make Me Feel," but a jazzy version. It actually works, but I kind of hate when the dancers mouth the words to the song, which Joey is doing. Joey's doing magic tricks in the middle of the routine â he just turned a handkerchief into a cane. What in the hell was that about? The crowd loves it and gives them a standing ovation. Carrie Ann can't even talk because the crowd is still screaming. She congratulates them on working harder than ever before. Len loves Joey's confidence, but he wasn't crazy about the razzle dazzle. Once again, I find myself agreeing with Len because I am a cranky gray-haired British man. Bruno thinks Len is being difficult just to be difficult. Joey is quite pleased with himself and can't stop twirling his cane. The scores are up, and they get a 10, 9, and a 10 for a total of 29. Well-deserved, even with all the razzle dazzle.
After the ballroom round ends, Laila and Maksim are tied with Joey and Kym for the top slot, while Billy Ray and Karina are way, way at the bottom. Now let's move on to the Latin round!
Laila and Maksim return to dance the samba while wearing neon green outfits. I don't like how Maksim dances the samba. It's like a parody of sexiness with the pumping hips and the thrusting and the jutting. It's just not for me. I think I like ballroom better. Bruno thinks they were "giving fire." Carrie Ann thought it was amazing and sensual. Len hopes Laila's father is proud, which is kind of a weird thing to say after such a sexy dance. Maksim can't stand the attention being on his partner for five seconds, so he fake-collapses to the ground. Samantha points out that Maksim has never reached the point in the show where he had to do two dances in one week. Maksim agrees that it's almost impossible. The judges give them a 10, 10, and a 10 for a perfect score of 30. Laila thinks it was totally unexpected. Their overall score is 59 out of 60, which is pretty amazing.
John and Edyta will be dancing the rumba to "Under Pressure." Interesting song choice. John looks much more nervous and unsure than usual. They do one move where Edyta stands in front of him, facing away, and bends over while putting her leg behind her and then straight up in the air. I'm amazed by the strength and flexibility of these dancers. They end with a stylized dip. Carrie Ann thinks there wasn't enough passion, but she thinks John has a grace that none of the older gentlemen they've had on the show possessed. Len points out that John's footwork has improved greatly. Bruno agrees, and says while John was no Mario Lopez with the hip action, it was still pretty good. The judges give them a 7, 8 and a 7 for a total of 22. John has finally caught his breath. I was getting a little worried there for a while. John jokes that the judges think he's geriatric. Samantha asks Edyta to compare John to her former partners (Evander Holyfield, George Hamilton, and Joey Lawrence). Edyta says that John brings a great attitude and a willingness to work. Samantha announces that their total score is 45 out of 60.
Apolo and Julianne are dancing the mambo. Apolo looks very joyful while dancing. He really is a tiny little number, isn't he? They do a lot of complicated moves, which come off as a bit sloppy. One of the moves doesn't quite work for me -- Apolo lifts his leg up and Julianne twirls under it three times. She's not quite fast enough, or his leg isn't quite high enough, or something. Len doesn't think it was great. Bruno disagrees (surprise!) since Apolo is new to dancing and is doing quite difficult choreography. Carrie Ann thought it was great, if a bit off in spots. Bruno vehemently disagrees. Wow, Samantha is showing off the pregnancy boobs this week. I don't know why it took me so long to notice that. Apolo wishes for more consistency in the judging. Is it a good idea to taunt the judges? Apolo talks about how difficult it is to learn two dances in four days, which can become three days if you have to travel. The judges give them a 9, 9, and 10 for a total of 28. I feel like the scores are not matching up with what the judges are saying this week. Their total for both dances is 54 out of 60.
Ian and Cheryl are dancing the mambo. Oh. I think now we are seeing why Ian was so rigid in weeks â when he loosens up, he's not a very good dancer. There's a lot of shoulder shaking and hip thrusting and it's not pretty. And they also screw up the final pose. Hey, Jennie Garth is in the audience too. And was that Tori Spelling? Why didn't they show them earlier? Bruno really liked the dance. Carrie Ann thought it was better, but Ian's posture still needs a little work. Len enjoyed the hip action. Of course he did. I don't know if I'm just cranky tonight or what, but I'm not seeing what the judges are seeing. The judges give them a 9, 9, and 9 for a total of 27 out of 30. Cheryl says they're very happy with those scores. Their total is 54 out of 60 for the night.
Billy Ray and Karina are back to do the samba. Billy Ray is wearing a boxing robe. Why? I guess because they are dancing to "Living in America," but it didn't really add anything to the routine, so why bother? Oh, this is just terrible. I don't think Billy Ray even knows the steps, and there aren't that many of them. I always feel bad for the professional dancers when the celebrities suck. They are usually out there, dancing their little hearts out, trying so hard to distract from the mess. Carrie Ann says that she always thinks Billy Ray is going to go terribly wrong, and somehow it doesn't. Is that a compliment? "Wow, that didn't TOTALLY suck." Len thought this dance was better than the waltz. Bruno is surprised that he enjoyed it. I think the judges are just flummoxed, and they know Billy Ray can't actually improve any more, so they just pay him half-assed compliments and hope he goes home soon. The judges give them a 7, 7, and 7 for a total of 21 out of 30. Samantha wonders about Billy Ray's input into the routines. Karina tries to be diplomatic but basically says that Billy Ray needs to shut his achy breaky. Their overall total is 38 out of 60.
Joey and Kym will be dancing the jive. Is that a Latin dance, really? They're dressed all '50s style. Their dance is quite athletic, but I'm not seeing a lot of footwork. I am impressed by the fact that Joey can kick his leg over his head. And he can do a one-handed handstand. Len goes first and compliments their ability to be "in sync." Get it? Bruno thinks it was a "smashing showcase of talent." Carrie Ann was impressed too. I think that was a really good routine, but Joey and Kym made it look so easy that it wasn't as impressive at first glance. But thinking back at all the various moves they did, it was quite impressive. The judges give them a 10, 10, and a 10 for a score of 30 out of 30. Joey is thrilled with their first perfect score. You can see Ian over Joey's shoulder and he's kind of mocking him, so the camera moves. That was funny. Their total for the night is 59 out of 60.
Let's take one last look at the leader board. Laila and Maksim and Joey and Kym are tied for the top spot. Apolo and Julianne and Ian and Cheryl are tied in the middle. John and Edyta are , and the last spot is taken up by Billy Ray and Karina. That's about right, don't you think? Hey, Meatloaf is on tomorrow night! Don't miss it!