I bet before the season began, the producers were trying to figure out who would be the designated hunk, and I bet they thought it would be Joey Fatone (following in the footsteps of boy band alumni like Joey McIntire and Drew Lachey). And yet, somehow, it's kind of Apolo Anton Ohno for most people, isn't it? I'm partial to Ian Ziering, as previously mentioned, but I know a lot of people dig Apolo.
Anyway, the dancers are introduced, and they manage to match up the chyrons with the right people this week, but...holy crap, look at Heather Mills's boobs! Where did those come from? And why are they so lopsided? First celebrity audience sighting: Norm!
First up this week are Joey and Kym. Last week, the judges thought Joey was too feminine, and in his interview, Joey makes the unfortunate decision to react to the judges with a limp-wrist joke. As they practice the samba, Kym tries to help Joey look manlier, so she brings in Jerry Springer to consult. And then Joey and Jerry both take off their shirts, and I think Jerry has a better body, but I can't believe I just looked at that, and now I have to go throw up.
Oh! Joey and Kym are dancing to Erasure! "Respect"! They just won my vote if only for the song. I see now why Joey usually wears longer coats and shirts â he really is quite thick in the middle. Oh, JC Chasez is in the audience. Do you think Justin will ever actually show up? It's amazing how quickly Justin emerged head and shoulders above the rest of his bandmates once they split up. Let's see what the judges think. Len calls it "swashbuckling," and then there are some more limp-wrist jokes. And then Bruno calls Joey "a randy fighting cockerel." A Wholahay? Carrie Ann thought it was a great performance, although Joey's footwork needed some help. They get 9, 9, and 9, for a total of 27 out of 30. Pretty good!
Heather and Jonathan are up . I know it's been said many times, many ways, but "charity campaigner"? That makes me want to kick her right in her fake leg. And hey, let's revisit Heather's fall eight million times to try to drum up some more sympathy. This week, Heather had to go to London to see her daughter, so she didn't have a lot of time to learn the paso doble. Boo hoo. Heather decides that, since she is dancing to "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina," she should base her attitude on Eva Peron. I...don't know what to do with that information. So Jonathan and Heather go to visit the woman who plays Eva Peron in the London production of "Evita," and they get to practice on the set of the musical.
They start dancing, and I still maintain that Heather's gangliness and awkwardness don't have that much to do with her fake leg. I bet she wasn't all that graceful before her accident. Plus, she keeps calling attention to it, almost like she's asking for special treatment, and it just bothers me. Anyway, the dance goes pretty well â there are a lot of dramatic touches. Carrie Ann agrees with me about Heather's posture and grace. Len liked the passion, but he agrees about the upper body issues. Look, I'm not trying to minimize how difficult some of the moves must be for her. I'm just saying that she shouldn't get a pass on the parts of dancing that have nothing to do with her legs. Then my shitty local affiliate (remember how I had no sound last week) cuts back to the show during the Samantha backstage interview, but they skipped showing Heather and Jonathan's scores, except to say that they got a 23 out of 30. I'm going to go ahead and guess they got something like 8, 7, and 8. The most confusing part (and again, maybe this refers to something that got cut out on my end) is that as Samantha gives the voting phone number, Jonathan makes the "call now" sign but Heather makes the "cut" sign. Like is she saying don't call? That she doesn't want to be on the show? It is a mystery.
up are John Ratzenberger and Edyta. Edyta reminds us that this season, no one has been in the bottom two one week and avoided elimination the week, but John and Edyta did just that. John explains that he wasn't very optimistic when he accepted the (late) invitation to be on the show, so he booked a bunch of things for this week, assuming he wouldn't be on the show anymore, so he goes along with the theme of the week by saying that he didn't have a lot of time to learn the dance. And now it's time to mambo!
Edyta is barely wearing any clothes, which I think is a good strategy, because then people will look at her instead of John. I don't know. I think John is kind of cute when he dances. He seems to be having a good time. He's like your baby boomer door neighbor who always lets you borrow his hedge trimmers and gives you advice on edging your lawn, and then you invite him to your wedding and it turns out that he can really cut a rug. Their dance is adequate. We get a lot of shots of Norm clapping in the audience. Carrie Ann calls John "a teddy bear" and says she thinks he's cute as well. Len points out that John is getting more and more into the show as he goes along, and his enthusiasm is great, but the routine (meaning the choreography) was awful. Bruno calls them "the Owl and the Pussycat." I don't even know what that means. Is John the Owl or the Pussycat in that scenario? And would either be a positive thing?
I just have this to say about National Bingo Night: I remember when Dancing with the Stars premiered in the first season and, a few weeks in, I was visiting my grandmother and she said, "Kimmy! Did you see that show with the dancing? They are pretty good dancers! I like that show." And my grandmother also won $1000 at bingo a few weeks ago (cute alert: she then sent all of her grandchildren a $20 bill in the mail to share the wealth). I think ABC is really hitting the right demographic with that programming. The only problem is that my grandmother also enjoys activities like shopping at Dollar General and washing and reusing plastic sandwich bags, so I don't know if the advertisers will get the payoff they're seeking from her.
Anyway, when we return, Tom introduces George Lopez and pimps his show (that's still on?), and then my local affiliate cuts in to tell me there are thunderstorms in the area. Really? Because I couldn't tell by the rain, thunder, and lightning going on outside. Thanks for that, guys. And meanwhile, I just missed John and Edyta's scores. Blast! [Note: at the end, they announced that John and Edyta got 19 out of 30. Holy crap! That's not good.]
Laila and Maksim are up . Last week, Laila got good scores, and this week, she'd like to get a perfect score while doing the cha-cha. Laila says that at first, she just did what Maksim told her, but now she wants some input and to be able to "put some funk" into their performance. I think the announcer just called Laila "Linda Ali." Did I imagine that? I dig Laila's flashy gold Tina Turner dress, but Maksim is wearing a vest, with suspenders underneath, with NO SHIRT! Unacceptable cheese levels. And that's saying a lot on this show, where the cheese bar is high. Their dance is good, but at the end, they do this little break, and I totally just saw all the way up Laila's dress. Am I the only one bothered by this? I guess I'm a prude. And then Maksim tries to do some sort of "Ride 'em cowboy/spank that ass" move that doesn't seem compatible with the cha-cha to me. We'll see what the judges think. I liked their routine up until that last part. The audience loved it and gave them a standing ovation. Len thought it was "pure gold" but the break wasn't his cup of tea. I am Len. I am old. Bruno calls Laila "a magnificent obsession," and Carrie Ann agrees with Bruno. So Len and I are the cranky old codgers who don't like fun. I'm kind of okay with that. And then Samantha totally gives their score before the scores are revealed, realizes her mistake, and goes to the judges for the scores, which are 9, 9, and 10, for a total of 28 out of 30. Samantha gives a quick explanation of why she knew the score in advance, trying to stave off those conspiracy-theory people.
Tom wonders if Billy Ray can put the "drive back in his jive," and then they cut to Billy Ray and and Karina, and they are pretending to make out, and then Billy Ray turns to camera and he's wearing fake hillbilly teeth. Here's what's so dumb about that: the fake makeout is dumb, but it could have been one of those things where, as Tom was talking, one of them said, "Let's pretend to make out!" But adding the fake teeth implies a level of preplanning that I am frankly not comfortable with. Unless Billy Ray carries those teeth around with him at all times, which might actually be worse. Anyway, last week, Billy Ray was nipple-icious. Karina decides to country up the choreography so Billy Ray will be more comfortable and have fun. They actually refer to one of their moves as the "Who's Your Daddy," and I really hope Billy Ray gets eliminated this week because I don't know how much more of this I can take. Anyway, they're doing the jive, and Karina announces that they won't score points for technique, but they will have a good time.
They start dancing, and there's a lot of kicking involved. He's kicking, she's kicking, and then she does a handstand and he pulls her legs apart, looks down, and makes a shocked face. I really am old. Maybe I'm channeling my grandmother, but that just seemed trashy. Then there's a whole section where he humps the air and then she pretends to kick him in the ass. I don't even think this deserves to be called dancing. Billy Ray is psyched by his performance, though. Bruno is shocked that they actually had some jive-related steps in there. Carrie Ann congratulates them on making up their own moves. Len points out some steps that he noticed. Is it a good thing if the best the judges can say is "Congratulations on having a few sections of actual dancing in there"? Backstage, Billy Ray pours on the country, and then the scores are 7, 7, and 7 for a total of 21 out of 30. So they got a higher score than John Ratzenberger? Blergh.
Apolo and Julianne got the season's first perfect score last week. Anton explains that they are doing the rumba, which is supposed to be sexy and romantic, but he and Julianne have a sibling-type relationship, which makes it difficult for them. Julianne is sick, so she brings her brother (a professional dancer) in to help out. The brother explains that he had to do a rumba with his sister, so he knows from awkward.
The dance begins with Apolo seated in a chair, and I have unfortunate Tucker Carlson flashbacks. The difference is that Apolo and Julianne actually incorporate the chair into their routine in creative ways instead of using it to disguise the fact that one of them can't dance. They execute this one move where Julianne does a split on the floor, and then Apolo bends down and lifts one of her legs so that she goes from a horizontal split on the floor to a vertical split with one foot on the floor and one in the air. I don't know if that explains it very well, but it was pretty amazing. I don't know if it was sexy, but it was cute, which is better than boring. Carrie Ann thought they followed up last week's performance well. Len wanted more dancing and less chair work. Bruno calls their routine "choreographed poetry," but Len thinks it was too theatrical. Len and Bruno can't stop arguing, and Tom tells them to cut out their "seminar on male menopause." Dude! That was kind of mean! They get a 9, 9, and 10 for 28 out of 30.
Tom introduces the couple while sitting in Apolo's chair with his feet up in the air, and it's actually quite impressive until he says that he's cramping. I swear I thought he said he was crapping. The couple is Ian and Cheryl. We're reminded that the judges think Ian is too stiff, so this week, he vows to work on the showmanship. They are doing the paso doble, and Cheryl explains that Ian will need to play the character of a bullfighter. Ian practices very intensely.
Oh, you know I love Ian, but this routine just isn't working for me. It does kind of make me want to go out disco dancing with Ian Ziering, though. And that, my friends, is a sentence I never thought I would type in my entire life. I can't even explain what's wrong with it. I think that what I like about Ian is the hint of Steve Sanders goofiness, and that's totally missing from this routine. Len didn't like the routine at all, calling it "a disappointment." Bruno advises Ian to take more risks. Carrie Ann tells Ian that he has "moments of brilliance" and advises him to watch Billy Ray to see an example of passion. The judges actually get heckling from the audience, which cracks me up. The judges give them an 8, 8, and an 8 for a total of 24 out of 30. Afterwards, Ian explains that he stole one of the judges' scoring paddles and sent the other contestants a picture of himself holding a 10. Oh, those wacky backstage antics!
I am so excited for this part. It's the group swing dance, and since it's not part of the competition, they can do lifts and whatnot. Someone had better fall, and it had better not be Heather. First, we get a clip package of their rehearsal. The choreographer asks who the strongest guy is, and Laila raises her hand. Okay, that was funny. Ian explains that Heather and Jonathan weren't there. So are they not taking part at all? As they practice lifts, Laila observes that she should probably be the lifter and not the liftee. I would pee my pants if she tossed tiny Apolo through the air. Please, someone, make that happen.
So it starts, and it's kind of a clusterfuck at first, with people milling about and nearly kicking each other and whatnot. They finally get to the part where each couple gets a solo spot. Apolo and Julianne leap around like frogs, which sounds like an insult, but it isn't. John and Edyta do a move where she does a handstand and then he holds her legs while she does jazz hands, which ends up looking kind of dumb. And then Laila tosses Maksim, and then she PICKS UP APOLO and spins him around like a baby! I write this mostly in real time, so I swear I didn't know that was going to happen when I wrote the paragraph. That was the greatest thing ever, from a comedy standpoint. Ian and Cheryl do a pretty amazing set of flips, and then Cheryl pretends to be getting it on with Joey, and there's a fake fight with people holding people back, and isn't this supposed to be a dance number? Where's the dancing, people? I shouldn't complain. I got my wish of Laila dancing with Apolo. Heather does get a chance to do a move, and she does a handstand and Jonathan nearly drops her on her ass. I think she deserved a stronger (stronger in the sense of strength, not skill) partner. Billy Ray and Karina do the move my brother and I used to do when we made up routines during "Solid Gold" where he pulls her between his legs, which I think is a move I got from Laverne and Shirley. Billy Ray throws in some more air humping, and that really has got to stop. Okay, I have no idea what just happened at the end, but there were people on other people's backs and a human wheelbarrow. That routine could not have been a bigger mess and I LOVED IT! I wish they would do a group dance every week.
Even though they're not scoring, the judges still get to have an opinion, but first they have to wait for Cliff to go shake Norm's hand. Have I mentioned that Laila looks amazing in her '40s inspired outfit? She has on a one-piece shorts suit and it really suits her. Anyway, the judges have nothing interesting to say, and it's time for the review of the voting phone numbers before bidding us good night. See you tomorrow!