You think the American Idol results show is bloated? You don't know bloated, baby. And I'm not talking about Joey Fatone. Well, not entirely.
Isn't Sam Harris pregnant? How is her waist so small? Even if she's just a little pregnant, she's pregnant enough to announce it publicly. I don't get it. Ooh, Tom Bergeron just yelled out "Liiiiiiiiiiive!" in the same manner in which a zombie yells out "Braaaaaaains!" Actually, if he were a zombie, that would explain a lot of things about that weird FOX morning show he did with the puppets.
Okay, even though they just showed a one-hour recap show right before this, they are now doing yet another recap. John Ratzenberger can only laugh about Bruno calling his dance "the best worst samba." Clyde giggles at being told he's the worst dancer in the competition. Ha! I missed Billy Ray's partner's reaction to him talking about his romantic nights in a Chevy. She bugged out her eyes and then rolled them. It was pretty awesome. Let's relive Heather's traumatic fall! If by "traumatic" you mean "staged" and also "kind of fantastic." Wow, I also missed Joey and Len making swishy gestures and kisses to each other after Len called Joey feminine. I wonder how Lance Bass felt about that display. Laila has quite the deep voice. I was looking down when she started talking and I thought it was Maksim speaking at first.
Do you think Tom Bergeron hates himself? I think he hates himself. He took this shitty hosting job, probably thinking that he'd make a quick buck and no one would ever actually watch the show. I mean, really. Dancing? With the stars? How long could that last? And yet, four seasons and some huge ratings later, here we are.
The judges make their request for yet another viewing of Apolo and Julianne's samba. Hey, I get to see it with sound this time! Something about all the pelvic swirling in the samba seems obscene. It makes me very uncomfortable to watch. Like when your drunk uncle starts trying to grind like a teenager at your cousin's wedding reception. So Apolo and Julianne dance, and it's pretty much the same as last night. Yawn.
week is the first group routine and it's swing dancing. I'm putting my money on Heather Mills (if she's still around) trying to do a cartwheel. But first we get to see the pros do a routine to...hey, what a shocker! "Zoot Suit Riot"! I'm having mid-'90s flashbacks. Remember those Gap khakis commercials and how amazing we all thought the bullet time was? We were so young. Dude, the dancers just formed a kick line. The hell? Is this my high school's cheerleading squad doing a pom-pom routine? I know it's not, because the song would be "Livin' On a Prayer." I just dated myself. One thing that always cracks me up about this show is the piss-poor camera work. Like, the grand finale of the dance just happened, and suddenly the camera swung over so it was focusing on... nothing? On the side of the stage?
Samantha is backstage to ask Heather Mills about her big tumble. I can't even understand what Heather is saying. And then Samantha asks her how she gets back up after she falls, and I think she was speaking metaphorically, but Heather answers that she just jumps up. Man, she is as dumb as a box of hair. Then Sam asks Joey about his feminine side, and he shows off his bunny slippers. I don't know. Moving on to Apolo, he...says nothing of substance. !
Ooh, the audience reaction. Mrs. Brady thought the competition exploded. Various people talk about how awesome Apolo is, including Mrs. Brady, who has the hots for him. One guy thinks it's "ri-dick-a-lus" that John didn't get better scores. Mrs. Brady almost cried when Heather fell. I think the Wesson Oil has gone to her brain. And then they throw in enough comments about who might go this week that we're left with the impression that anyone could go, thus negating all the comments that came before.
Now it's time to find out which two couples will definitely return. The first is Laila and Max (Maks?). The second is John and Edyta. Holy crap! I did not see that coming! I don't know why they're pretending that Apolo and Julianne are in trouble. Please. Hee! Then they tease Lisa Rinna and Macy Gray coming up, and Lisa Rinna does a smooch to the camera, so Macy Gray tries to do the same thing and ends up practically falling asleep mid-pucker.
Tom and Sam announce that Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin will be starring in the musical "Chicago," so Lisa's here to sing "Roxie." She sings with a cadre of half-naked men, and at one point they lift her up, and I would think if she were going to perform that move, she might wear a longer dress. Isn't she a little old to be playing this part? I always thought of Roxie Hart as more of a fresh-faced ingénue. Anyway, her singing is not bad, but she's way too overtly sexual for my taste. Plus, I saw way too much of her underwear. Tom announces that we can see her on Broadway soon. Presumably, we can also see her underwear on Broadway.
Sam interviews the safe couples. John thinks the baby boomers are voting for him, and he plugs his book at the same time. Laila thinks that she and Maks have the potential to get a perfect score in the future, and she compliments Apolo's performance.
Jimmy Kimmel is here to give us a dance lesson. He announces that Jennifer Lopez has asked him and Guillermo to be in her music video. Was that a shot at Idol? Anyway, Jimmy and Guillermo try to do the swing, but they get in an argument about who sucks more. This leads to Guillermo sobbing in the ladies' room while being held by Joey Fatone. I don't know what demographic this is supposed to be appealing to anymore. I used to think it was old ladies and children, but seriously? What in the hell was that?
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Time for Macy Gray, who dedicates her performance to "the victims and families at Virginia Tech," a nice gesture that, due to her slurring, seems like it was going to go horribly wrong, but she pulls it off. She's swaying back and forth while she sings, and I am just waiting for her to fall over. She's also wearing metallic bronze fingerless gloves. She is a national treasure.
Now there's a feature on the hair and makeup for the performers. What important facts do we learn? They wear a lot of makeup. Billy Ray wore eyeliner. It takes the women a lot longer to get their makeup on. Clyde doesn't need a spray tan. And...we're out.
It's time to reveal two more couples who are safe. The first is Apolo and Julianne. Shocker. The second is Joey and Kym. Also not surprising. I'm getting a little worried about my buddy Ian, though.
Now the stars get to sound off about the judges. Try to guess what they think, then come back and compare your answers. Here's what they said: the judging is uncomfortable, sometimes difficult to understand, and not always constructive. It can also be motivating. Billy Ray just wants one 8, and then he can go home. Well, he may not get that chance.
The remaining four couples have never been in jeopardy, and it's time to find out which are the bottom two and which are going forward. Clyde and Elena are in the bottom two. Ian and Cheryl are safe. Yay! Billy Ray and his nipples and Karina and her enormous earrings are safe. Heather and Jonathan are in the bottom two! Awesome! Is it unseemly for me to root against her so vociferously?
Finally, we get to find out who is going home. While waiting for the announcement, Heather takes Clyde's hand, and he looks like he's not interested in her support. Tom announces that Clyde and Elena are going home. Hugs are exchanged all around, and the audience gives them a standing ovation. In his exit interview, Clyde says the experience was great, and he thanks his partner and the fans and the judges. Sam asks him about the other competitors, and he says some bland nothings about how great they are. Tom asks what Clyde would like to tell the judges about how to treat the contestants and...my recording cuts off, but I'm going to guess that he told them to understand that the contestants are doing their best. See you week!
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