Welcome to Dancing with The Stars! You know how you get a mispronunciation in your head and you can't ever not say the phrase that way? Like how I read on one of those misheard song lyrics websites that some people thought the Kiss song went "I want to rock and roll all night and part of every day" instead of "party every day"? And now every time I hear the song, I have to sing it the wrong way? Similarly, in my head, I always call this show Dancing With The Starts. Just thought I'd share.
Tom and Samantha are introducing the show, but the camera angle is really weird and makes them look like bobble-head dolls. I know most celebrities have giant heads and tiny bodies, but this is ridiculous. Anyway, the dancers come out, but I don't know what happened, because suddenly I have no sound and the on-screen text is all screwed up, like it says Ian and Cheryl but I'm seeing Billy Ray and Karina and then suddenly it cuts to Ian and Cheryl, sort of, and then they just dispense with the on-screen text all together and what the hell is Heather Mills wearing and why do I have no sound and THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD!
So I guess I officially have no sound, which appears to be a local affiliate problem. I've turned on the captioning, but given that the show is live, it's not all that helpful. Bear with me.
This week's dances are the Samba and the Rhumba. I would tell you about them but, you know, you could just go to ABC's website and figure it out if you don't know. Before we go to the dancing, they display the phone numbers of each couple once again. I have to admit that I've watched every season of this show (although not every episode) and I don't think I've voted since I voted for Joey McIntyre in the first season. Hey, I just realized that the premiere episode of this show was viewed on my living room couch in the company of Wing Chun and Sars. The circle of liiiiii-iiiiife!
Let's start with Ian. I have a confession. I think I have a crush on Ian Ziering. I know! Steve Sanders! He of the high tops and the mullet-fro! Cheryl tries to show Ian how to do a shoulder shimmy shake, but I think you really need to have boobs to completely get how to do that move. And Ian doesn't have lady lumps. Ian doesn't agree with the choreography, and Cheryl gets pissy and walks out for a minute. Dude, listen to Cheryl! She's a proven winner!
By the way, still no sound. Ooh, Ian's hair is all slicked back. I don't like it. I have to try to identify the song by the lyrics in the captioning and it's not working. Ian is kind of grossing me out with the pelvic rolls. But he's actually pretty good! The high-waisted Tony Manero pants are not a bad look for him, somehow. Maybe he's wearing a girdle.
Len is the first judge to speak, and he wants them to take their dancing to the level. I used to have a boss who always talked about the level, and it just made me think of Super Mario Brothers. I don't think that's what he meant. Bruno and Carrie Ann don't have much to say, except that Ian is too much in his head. Does anyone care what the dancers say backstage while waiting for their scores? They get three 8s for a total of 24 out of 30. Samantha reminds us that we get eight votes per phone line and email address. My friend's grandmother actually hit the limit in the first season every week. She overvoted. I should see if I could get some commentary from her for these wee-caps. She's a hoot.
I really hate the "candid" backstage shots while going to commercial. And in that last one, Apolo Anton Ohno, who I normally like, was doing an asstastic move with his hands and just generally looked like a douche. Oh, Apolo.
Clyde and Elena are up . Last week, the judges accused Clyde of not trying. This week, Clyde had to go to China, so Elena joined him so that they could practice. They had some wacky international hijinks, as well as international dancing. Still no sound, by the way. By the captioning, I can tell that they are dancing to "What's Going On," which is not a sexy song at all. Elena is wearing some sort of feathered fox tail. She's a closet furry! Clyde does a move where he crouches and slides one leg out, and he almost topples over. This is really bad. I mean, worse than Clyde's usual. He's just standing there, and he's not even doing that well.
Bruno says it was like "a rhumba under an anesthetic." Carrie Ann actually lays it all out there and tells Clyde that he's the worst dancer in the competition. Len didn't hate it so much, because he feels like Clyde tried. And then there's some craziness where Bruno and Carrie Ann start pounding their hands on the table, and I think they are saying that Clyde clomps through the steps, but it also could have been a demonstration of how to knead pizza dough. One or the other. Without sound, it's tough to tell. The judges give really low scores: 4, 5, and 4 for a total of 13 out of 30. Yikes. They really want Clyde to go home.
Okay, I still don't have sound, and this show just got a million times more surreal. They cut to Heather and Jonathan, and she's using a lint roller on his bare chest. The hell? I cannot stand Heather Mills, and I realize I'm not alone in that sentiment, but I kind of want to marry her PR agent for orchestrating this image makeover. Oh, dear. I've paused the show for a second and Heather has a very visible fake tan line at the top of her forehead. She needs to adjust the shower cap she wears while getting a Mystic Tan. Or get a better makeup artist. Anyway, Heather convinces Jonathan to shave his chest, which I guess explains the lint roller, but it's still boring. Anyway, you've all seen The 40-Year-Old Virgin so you can guess how the rest of this segment goes.
Heather and Jonathan start their dance to "Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel," and there's just something so ungainly about Heather Mills that has nothing to do with her missing leg. Her upper body lacks grace. She's also wearing the most confusing outfit ever. It's like a pink sequined camisole top with a grey sequined dress over the top, but the dress has only one shoulder and...oh, crap. She just fell. Well, now she's not going home this week because America will feel bad for her. Did I mention she's wearing a gray sequined armband?
Carrie Ann tells Heather that she dances like nobody is watching, which I interpreted as "not particularly well." Bruno tells her to "polish the top half," which sounds dirty out of context like that. But Bruno is right. They get three 7s for a total of 21 out of 30. And then they announce that they will be traveling to London this week, leaving less time for practicing, but more time for plugging Virgin Airlines.
You know, I think Joey Fatone is a good dancer, probably the best on the show. But the shameless cheesy mugging has GOT to GO. He's like that kid in your high school who was slightly puffy and smelled like sour milk and then joined drama club and got the lead in all the musicals and suddenly had this coterie of drama-club groupies because he was the one straight guy in a ten-mile radius. And he was kind of funny but he also tried just a little too hard, and everyone in your school thought he was the shit, but then he graduated and tried to make it in Hollywood and had to move back in with his parents after two years and now he does community theater in Florida and the last you heard he was shooting a pilot for a local kids' show on cable access or something. Anyway, imagine if instead of the Hollywood part, that kid had somehow joined a boy band, and you have Joey Fatone. Clearly, his parents didn't love him enough, and now he needs ALL the ATTENTION. Which is annoying mostly because he's actually quite good and can drop the theatrics any time now. Kym tries to corral Joey's goofiness, to little effect, so she calls in Lance Bass and Alfonso Ribiero (Carlton!). Or should I say Carl-Ton -- he's gained some weight since his Fresh Prince days. As have we all, Carlton.
The dance begins with Joey in a chair, wearing a fedora and a tuxedo shirt with untied bowtie. He pretends to be bored, but is then entranced when Kym shows up in a tight red dress, and they start dancing together. Joey executes a fairly graceful turning arabesque and then totally grabs her ass! This is the family hour, people! Joey's posture does seem to be better, though. He ends up twirling Kym into the chair where he started, all the better fo feature a Lance Bass cameo.
Time for judging. Len claims that Joey's moves were too feminine, and they totally cut to Lance Bass. Get it? He's gay, and thus feminine! Wow, that was almost as bad as awards shows where they say something about the influence of African-American filmmakers and they cut to Halle Berry and Will Smith nodding in the audience. Bruno doesn't like Len's assessment and starts beating him up. I'm not kidding. Carrie Ann tells Joey that he overperformed it. See? Hammy. She tells him to be more subtle, like that's possible. The judges scores are 8, 8, and 9 for a total of 25 out of 30.
And suddenly, my sound is back! Yay! Tom Bergeron asks what John and Edyta will whip up this week as we are shown their clip package, and see that the judges didn't like their paso doble. I have a hard time not calling John Ratzenberger "Cliff," so if I slip up now and again, please forgive me. John rehearses the samba while wearing khaki shorts, dress socks, and dance shoes. It's not a good look. Edyta wanted John to bring in his drums to help with his rhythm, and John shows up in a kilt and then there's something about sticks.
They begin their routine to "Love Is In the Air" Edyta is wearing a feathery blue number and an Olivia Newton-John headband. John doesn't seem to have the hang of this more Latin dance; he kind of looks like he's doing the jitterbug or the polka or something. He's too hoppy. They finish with Edyta lying face up across a giant drum, and John plays the drums on her stomach. The hell?
Bruno thinks John was having fun, but that he messed up a lot of the footwork, calling it "one of the best worst sambas I've ever seen." Carrie Ann doesn't know how long they'll last in the competition, but she stands and applauds them. Oh, Carrie Ann ,with your pointless standing ovations. Time for judges' scores! They get three scores of 6 for a total of 18 out of 30.
Ooh, week is a couples dance plus a group routine! I love the group routines because there is always the possibility for collision. Plus, people try to show off in their moment in the spotlight, and do some crazy things. Samantha keeps saying "ya'' instead of "you" as in "Ya need to make sure ya call."
Laila Ali and Maksim are up . We're reminded that their paso doble last week was called too safe and lacked passion. Laila and Maksim do some sexy moves while practicing their rhumba, and Laila decides she had better have her fiancé come by so he knows what's up. Then there are about a million totally set-up shots of the fiancé physically moving Laila and Maksim apart, like that would happen. They start their routine to "Put Your Record On." I really love this song, and the singer for the band kind of sounds like Corrine Bailey Rae. It's technically very good, but they are dancing side by side most of the time instead of facing each other, and I wonder if that's the fiancé's fake input. Finally, at the end, they get sexy about it, and the crowd goes wild. Why is Sugar Ray Leonard in the audience? Is he the Muhammed Ali substitute?
All of the judges love it, and Bruno says that he needs a shower, which is gross. Backstage, Laila says that she felt good out there, and Maksim says that he had Laila sign a waiver assuring him that her fiancé wouldn't hurt him. The fiancé comes out and pretends he's going to hit Maksim, but hugs him instead. The judges' scores are 9, 10, and 9 for a total of 28 out of 30. Tom Bergeron jokes that Bruno needs a shower but Maksim needs a new pair of pants. The judges found that HILARIOUS! One thing I find amazing about this show is how ABC has managed to take an art form that is arguably sort of highbrow, ballroom dancing, and managed to cheese it up so thoroughly. And poop jokes are a big part of that cheesening.
Apolo and Julianne are up . They've been doing well, but they haven't been in first place, and that's what they want. Julianne thinks she needs to push her partner to be perfect so they can get that top spot. Julianne encourages Apolo to "be the tiger," and I don't even know what that means. Neither does Apolo, since he tends to just growl whenever she says it. He thinks they need to overcome their cute reputation and be seen as dangerous.
They begin their routine to "I Like to Move It," and Apolo is rotating those hips like...I don't know what. I'm too distracted by the fact that Julianne is wearing a tiger-striped outfit and, hand to God, a banana clip. I haven't seen one of those since a few years ago when I was staying at my dad's house, and my hair was bugging me, and I couldn't find a rubber band, so I dug out an old banana clip from my stash of high school paraphernalia and put up my hair in it. And wow, I can't believe we ever wore those in the '80s. After the dance ends (and they kind of flub the ending), Julianne hugs Apolo, and my husband wanders through the room and says, "I think they're doing it." The audience applauds for like two years.
Len starts out the judging by remarking on how sexy it was, and Bruno thinks the nation was stunned. Carrie Ann says nothing of import as usual. Why is Florence Henderson in the audience? Anyway, the judges give them three perfect 10s for a 30 out of 30.
As they go to commercial break, they show Billy Ray, who is wearing a lavender satin sleeveless shirt and...seriously, his right nipple just jumped out and held up a sign that said, "Shut up about the Achy Breaky!" That was the most prominent male nipple I've ever seen on television. Anyway, Billy Ray Cyrus and Karina "unleashed the beast" last week, which makes me think he danced with his fly open. Billy Ray talks about how busy he is with work while trying to practice. Karina says he's reluctant to "show his romantic side," by which she means that he refuses to grab her ass. They begin their routine to "What's Love Got to Do With It," and the whole beginning is just Billy Ray kneeling while Karina does all the dancing. Then they do a thing where Billy Ray just stands still and Karina dances from side to side. I think they're hoping people will be distracted by Billy Ray's nipples. He is stiff, and I'm not talking about his nipples this time. He looks like he has a load in his drawers. Hey, if the judges can make poop jokes, so can I.
As the dance ends, they seem to know it was pretty weak. Carrie Ann says that Billy Ray looks nice, but that the dance wasn't great. Len thinks it was less romantic and more like "hanky panky in the back of a Chevy," and Billy Ray doesn't understand the difference between the two. The judges scores are 6, 6, and 5 for a total of 17 out of 30. I'm sorry, but I can't stop looking at Billy Ray's nipples. Anyway, Billy Ray uses his exit interview to plug his TV show and his upcoming album.
My prediction: Billy Ray will go home.
Tomorrow night: Macy Gray, Lisa Rinna, a swing dance routine by the professionals and Jimmy Kimmel. See you then!