MJW starts things off backstage with the contestants, who are stretching and having their makeup done. It's really not the best place for a host segment. We flash back to the beginning of the week, when MJW stopped by the loft to assign specific dance styles to the contestants. The contestants enter the living room full of dread and find a bunch of stools with boxes of popcorn on top of them. And whoever dressed MJW this week -- as with most weeks on this show -- should be shot. Girlfriend's got broad shoulders. It's not a crime. But why in god's name would they put her in a shirt with big poofy shoulders?? She looks like a linebacker! MJW explains that it's "movie week," where the contestants will get a certain song from a certain movie (a.k.a. whatever this show could afford the rights to) and must dance to it in a certain style. The popcorn bucket has the song in it, and I'm not sure if they've pre-assigned these dance numbers to the contestants or they're picking them at random or what. Anyway, Alicia picks first and gets "Maniac" from Flashdance in the style of jive. She immediately sets about performing moves from the film. Good, she's happy. That means she won't cry. Pinky gets "Shout" from Animal House in the style of tap. Pinky likes this because now she won't get in trouble for being too stompy like she did last week. Mara gets "You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)" from The Wedding Singer in the style of tango. She says she's scared, probably because she and her partner Paul still hate each other. Shayla gets "Low" from Step Up 2: The Streets in the style of hip-hop. What, they couldn't afford something from the original Step Up? How embarrassing. Ruben gets "Old Time Rock & Roll" from Risky Business in the style of the foxtrot. He pretends to be all put out about this style, but we all know he's going to kill it because he's a freaking professional dancer. Miles gets "Fame" from Fame in the style of jazz. And then Trice gets "All That Jazz" from Chicago in the style of something called "Broadway Fosse." Is that even a style? And shouldn't she get jazz for that song? Also, I find it very unfair that they've given them all different styles because I'm sure some styles are harder than others to do, so certain contestants are being put at a real disadvantage.
In rehearsals, Shayla is very happy with her hip-hop style. Ruben still hates the foxtrot, so much so that he's referring to himself in the third person. Pinky seems to have some tap experience, so she should be fine this week unless she yet again sucks out at the weight loss aspect.
And then we're back on the stage with MJW and her giant hair that has been placed all around her face to make it appear as through she has no neck. Shoot her hair person, too. The judges emerge from their rhinestone egg, and Lisa is full of pep today already! She waves all over the place and smiles through her very real lips. MJW reminds us of the rules and then it's time for the first contestant to go: Shayla! Shayla's ankle is still bothering her, and it probably will for the month if my sprained ankle is anything to go by, so she doesn't have high hopes for her dance scores this week and is trying instead to focus on eating right and losing a lot of weight. She accomplished this by meeting with the nutritionist (who I think they'd all be better without since she told Pinky to eat just 951 calories a day last week and then Pinky didn't lose any weight) to come up with a healthier version of her favorite recipes. To Shayla's incredible sadness, she must replace one ingredient with Worcestershire sauce. Shut up, Shayla! I'm half English and Worcestershire sauce is the ingredient of my people. Anyway, Nutritionist Meg's tips saved Shayla 3,000 calories she claims, so god knows what the hell was in that recipe before Meg came along.
Time for the dance! As usual, Shayla is looking good, and Lisa bops her head along and claps off-beat. There's a weird move where Shayla tries to hold a handstand off her partner's back that just looks slow and weird, but then she follows it up with some cool moves and all is forgiven. She does have a bad case of dancer face at times, however. Mayte gives her an 8 right off the bat, even though she didn't seem to like it very much. Mayte is such a puzzle! Lisa tells Shayla: "girl, you're a star." You know, I don't think I've ever see Lisa say "girl" and "you brought it!" and "lock it dooowwnwnwnn!" to a white contestant. Funny how that works. She gives Shayla a 9. Danny says he thought Shayla got an easy dance style this week until he realized that hip-hop is not in Shayla's comfort zone. Like Mayte and Lisa, he thinks she's awesome, and gives her an 8. It probably would have been even higher if she'd gone later in the show. Shayla's average is an 8.3, and she knows that there's almost no way she's going home this week. Add to that a 2.6 because she lost an awesome 5 pounds this week (upon hearing this, Shayla collapses in tears) for a total of 10.90. Hilariously, Shayla demands to know how many pounds she's lost in all, and MJW says it's 19.2. Shayla is freaking ecstatic. I hope she gives the proper credit to the Worcestershire sauce.
Second up is Pinky, who is obviously happy not to be in the bottom two again. She met with Meg at the beginning of the week, which is a BIG MISTAKE. Meg looks over her food journal and points out that Pinky is apparently subsisting on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because she's 5. Come on, Pinky. Shayla is making coconut chicken with beans and rice and you're eating PB&J? Embarrassing. Pinky says it's hard to eat a balanced diet that contains vegetables because she doesn't like to eat vegetables as much as she likes to eat hamburgers. Because she's 5. Anyway, Pinky choked down some fruits and vegetables and a shit-ton of smoothies this week, and seeing as she's not in the bottom two, it worked.
Pinky and Mr. Lucky, whose fake name still cracks me up, tap dance. I don't really know how else to describe it. Oh, there's a cool move where Pinky flips over Mr. Lucky's back and lands it perfectly and then she taps on over to the rhinestone egg for the finish pose. Flirting with the judges doesn't help, as Mayte didn't see a connection between Pinky and Mr. Lucky, which seems kind of harsh because it's freaking tap dance. To "Shout." How the hell is there going to be a connection? She gives Pinky a 6 and the audience boos. Lisa wins them over by saying she totally saw the connection but didn't like the Latin dancing body language Pinky tended to display during the routine. She gives Pinky a 7. Danny "quite liked" it, but noticed that Pinky missed quite a few beats. I did not notice this because the show insists on cutting away from the dancers' feet all the time. He gives Pinky a 7. Her average is 6.7 and she lost 4.2 pounds (the power of broccoli!) for 2.35% and a total of 9.05. MJW says Pinky is in second place, but that's totally meaningless since only two people have gone so far.
Miles is . He reminds us that his dance style this week is jazz, and says he's nervous about it. Rehearsals are not going well, so he makes a healthy turkey wrap. His dance manages to be jazz style while still throwing in all the '80s moves we expect from "Fame." And jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands! But Miles is clearly really uncomfortable with this style. Mayte hates it, saying it felt like a "dance recital," and giving him a 5. Lisa also gives him a 5, mostly because she didn't like the dance style or the choreography, neither of which are Miles's fault. Danny "absolutely hated" the dance "with a passion," but at least he can cite reasons that are Miles's fault, like he didn't point his toes or bend his knees and shouldn't have been doing leaps he clearly didn't know how to do. He still gives Miles a 6 for an average of 5.3, which Miles knows is probably going to send him home. But maybe he lost 100 pounds this week? No, just 6. That's 2.48 percent for a total score of 7.78. We'll see if someone else can do worse.
Mara is fourth. We're reminded that she and her partner aren't getting along and then the subject suddenly changes to Mara's diabetes. She meets with Dr. H and tells him that her brother died from diabetes because he didn't even know he had it. Dr. H is appalled. For real. This isn't the 1700s. Diabetes is easily diagnosable. See your doctor! Mara says that her brother's death was not the wake-up call for her that it should have been. But now after a month on this show her diabetes is already much improved, which really shows you how bad it is for your body to be obese. Anyway, time for the dance! It's a tango, so it's sexy and snappy and Mara does a great job with it. And Paul is strong enough to lift her up, which is very impressive. Mayte thought the all-important connection was there but tells Mara to watch her toes. Nevertheless, she gives her an 8. Lisa liked it as well and also gives Mara an 8. Danny says he was looking forward to seeing how "You Spin Me Round" worked as a tango and he loved what they did with it. But then he only gives Mara a 7. That's an average of 7.7, so she's already beaten Miles. Mara is very happy with this score, saying she was terrified of doing the tango, which never showed on her face during the dance, where she looked confident and determined. As for weight loss, she took off 5 pounds for a percentage of 2.03 and a total of 9.73. Mara is overcome with emotion and doesn't know what to do but wave her arms around.
There are only three contestants left to dance. Ruben is , which means Alicia and Trice are in the bottom two. Ruben cries in an interview that he's finally noticing his weight loss in the mirror because he's starting to look "normal." I think normal is fat these days, so you're already there, Ruben! He reminds us of his boyfriend that he left in an ICU to be on this show and then he's meeting with Nutritionist Meg. Did she sign a new contract saying she'd be in every segment this episode or something? Ruben says that he used to eat a good 4,000 calories a meal at a certain restaurant, thanks to an appetizer that had 1,500 of them. Could it be ... the Awesome Blossom at Chili's??? It's so good. But they had to take it off the menu because it kills people. Then he had a pasta dish with over 2,000 calories and a cheesecake for desert. Damn, that's just gross. Now he's eating asparagus, and the way his body feels makes the smelly pee worth it.
And now it's time for the dreaded foxtrot. Ruben is wearing the weird eye makeup again. I'm not sure how well the song and the dance go together, but Ruben does a great job with it, as usual. He ends with the devil horns hand sign, which just doesn't belong there at all. Not the least little bit. For so many reasons. Mayte says it's clear that Ruben loves to dance, but he's anticipating his moves. But she gives him an 8. Lisa dings Ruben for not having enough foxtrot steps in favor of "crowd-pleasing rock and roll moves." Again, that's the choreographer's fault and also, the song does not go with foxtrot moves! I really think they did the best they could. She gives Ruben a 6. Danny agrees that foxtrot and "Old Time Rock & Roll" do not mix and he even makes a Paris Hilton joke to hit that point home. Danny, you are a good dance show judge. But you are not a good comedian. Danny says Ruben made it work, and he gives him an 8. That gives Ruben a very nice average of 7.3. And then he loses a ridiculous 10.3 pounds for a percentage of 3.64 and a total of 10.94 and first place. Ringer! Ruben has lost 41.8 pounds in one month like he's on The Biggest Loser or something.
Trice is the first of the bottom two to go. She meets with her partner Jesus for some schooling on this Broadway Fosse dancing style. It seems to involve a lot of throwing your shoulders back and putting your chest out. It's hard for Trice to do, so Jesus ties her arms behind her back. It helps, and then it's time to dance! Sure enough, Trice's arms are well behind her back. Apparently, a big part of Broadway Fosse is to lip sync to the music. Trice isn't very good at that, but I don't think they're judging her lip syncing abilities. There are props involved and it's kind of cheesy, but still better than the jazz dancing of Miles. Mayte loved it and even makes sure to praise Jesus' ability to train Trice so well. Lisa also loved it and says she liked seeing Trice do a dance where posture is so important. And then they over-edited the rest of Lisa's comments so it didn't really make sense. Danny says he really thought Trice would be out of the bottom two just because of how hard she had to work in her dance style this week, but maybe she built too much muscle or something. He adds that her feet were "flappy kippers." Danny is bringing the British this week. But she got the style part of the dance down and he enjoyed it, so I think Trice is safe this week. She lost a decent amount this week -- 3.9 pounds, but since everyone else had such great weeks I guess that's why she's on the bottom. She has a percentage of 1.55, which would have been just fine in any other week.
And finally, we have Alicia. Or, as MJW occasionally calls her, "Alisha." Learn the contestants' names, MJW, or I'll start calling you Melissa Janet Winocar. Alicia is getting into the Flashdance spirit by wearing dark green eyeshadow for rehearsals and her interviews this week. She isn't so sure that the jive and "Maniac" will work well together, but she doesn't cry! Yet! Then she meets with the personal trainer, who did not get as much camera time as the nutritionist, to work on her core strength as the judges ordered last week. It involves the dreaded BOSU. "It burns the whole time and it sucks," Alicia says. I can't argue with her there. MJW tells Alicia to dance her ass off, and then you can see the fake smile she plasters on her face completely disappear into a frown just before she's off-camera. It was kind of awesome.
Anyway, we get the rapid leg movements we all expected out of a dance for this song and then there's some jiving. Alicia's footwork is sloppy at times, but the other moves look good and she doesn't look too uncomfortable with it. Mayte says she saw the improvement in Alicia's core strength, but now Alicia needs to do a better job staying in rhythm. Lisa acknowledges that Alicia was doing something very different for her, but she still saw Alicia's joy. She dings Alicia on her lindy hop (I think that was the part where I thought Alicia's footwork was sloppy), to which Alicia says it's hard to do when you weigh 230 pounds. Yes, Alicia, and everyone else on this show is also overweight so no free rides! Lisa tries to claim that she knows what it's like to be a fat dancer, but please. Danny asks Alicia what she thought of this routine compared to her others. Alicia says the jive was hard for her, but she loves Flashdance, being from Pennsylvania and all. Danny says that's exactly his point -- the dance was too much Flashdance and not enough jive. That's not Alicia's fault, though. Alicia tries not to cry at the crappy score she's going to get from Danny and heads over to the scale. Before we find out her weight, MJW has some time to fill, so she asks Alicia if she has any regrets this week. Alicia says she has none and she wakes up really early and works really hard and eats really well. And she doesn't even cry when she says all this stuff, so I might just like Alicia after all, especially when she gets all impatient when it takes the show five minutes to reveal how much weight she lost this week. Finally, she lost 4.2 pounds, which is good but this was a big loss week for everyone. That's 1.76 percent and some dubbed lines from MJW.
Back from the break, Miles, Trice, and Alicia are on the stage with MJW. It's time to find out that Miles is going home, which is obvious as soon as they start with Alicia's scores. If Alicia's scores are read first then she must have done better than Miles, and I really think Trice got good scores, too. Alicia got a 7 from Mayte and Lisa and a 6 from Danny for an average of 6.7. That gives her a total of 8.46 and she is safe for another week. Trice will need an average score of 6.3 to stay in the game and I can't see how she didn't. Oh, but Danny gave her a lowly 6. The hell? He hated Alicia's dance and gave that a 6, but said he liked Trice's only to give her the same score. I don't get it. Mayte gave Trice a 7, so Lisa has to have given her at least a 7 for her to beat Miles. Lisa freaking milks her suspenseful moment, taking ten minutes to reveal her score and on the verge of tears as she gives Trice ... an 8! Trice is so happy that she has to hold her boobs inside her top as she jumps up and down. Miles is a great sport and gives her a big hug. But why is Lisa crying over there? Did she really like Miles? Does she hate the number 8? So weird! Trice sits down so MJW can talk to Miles. He lost 26 pounds and chokes up as he talks about how much he'll miss his fellow contestants. Aw, Miles seems like such a nice guy! He rips his shirt off and leaves the show sans top. It's not the most graceful exit I've ever seen, but it was still better than his jazz dance.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.