MJW welcomes us to the show and we flash back to last week just after the show. Miles is gone and the judges have left their rhinestone egg, but everyone else is on the dance floor in their costumes from last week. MJW reminds everyone that he's been away from his family for over a month, and there are sad nods. MJW says that's about to change, because the winner of this week's competition gets a phone call home. Ruben quickly starts thinking of what he'll say to his boyfriend in ICU, because he's obviously going to win this. Shayla starts crying because she knows she's going to come in second, and that's going to hurt. MJW asks Alicia who she'd call if by some miracle she won this week, and Alicia says her mother and father to find out if her brother and sister-in-law had their baby. Why not just call the brother, then? Maybe she doesn't know his number? Mara would call her mother, but doesn't have any pressing issues to discuss. Same with Pinky, who would call her parents. Trice would call her mother, who might be able to shine some light on why Trice's name is spelled "Trice" but occasionally pronounced "Tree-sha-nell." Shayla sobs that she would call her dad, who is the most important person in her life. She wants to make him proud, she says. Because nothing says "you raised a successful adult" like being a reality show contestant. Ruben, of course, would call his boyfriend so he could find out how he's doing with the cancer recovery and all. The contestants share a group hug in a scene that appears to have been shot on someone's camera phone.
Work out time! Ruben says he needs the phone call more than anyone else, which isn't true. Everyone needs it equally. I don't like people who think their needs are more important than those of others. Shayla is ready to de-throne Ruben. Pinky and Trice work hard but have no chance against Shayla and Ruben, as we know. Alicia yells at her trainer for being helpful. Bad Alicia! I don't know what's worse -- her whining or her crying.
Back to the "present," MJW introduces our judges in their rhinestone egg and explains the rules. Then it's time for our first contestant: Trice. Trice wants to win the phone call to talk to her mother, who is very important to her. Trice cries when talking about the sacrifices her mother made for her. Whatevs, let's talk about swing dancing! You need a good core and footwork for this style, so Trice hit the gym extra-hard to build her dancing muscles. Except that she's riding an exercise bike with her interview sweater on. That can't be comfortable. Trice and Jesus are dancing to "Spotlight," which doesn't exactly sound like typical swing dance music so it's hard for me to tell if Trice is even doing it right. I guess it's my own fault that my swing dancing knowledge is limited to Brian Setzer videos. There's one point where Trice gets a little off-balance after a spin, but she regains her footing pretty quickly and as usual, she really sells the dance with her attitude and confidence.
Mayte claims to love the routine, but noticed that Trice was anticipating some of her moves. She gives her a 7. Lisa, whose lips are real, builds up Trice's self-esteem and confidence by saying she looks "more and more beautiful" every week. On the other hand, she noticed that Trice moves with her head first, as opposed to last week when she had her arms tied behind her back and apparently had better form. She tells Trice to let Jesus's body tell her what to do instead of trying to control it herself. And gives her a 6. Kiss that phone call good-bye, Trice! Danny says it was great and had a lot of "content" and gives Trice a 7. That's an average of 6.7. You know what? It's actually an average of 6.66. Why round up? It's not really fair to the people who get a 6.33 and have their scores rounded down. It's the sixth week of this show and I'm just realizing that. Trice steps on the scale, but before she can find out her weight loss, MJW tortures her by dangling that phone call she's not going to get in front of her and asking what she'd say to her mother. "MOM, I LOVE YOU!" Trice says. Trice seems to think that it's fifty years ago when long-distance calls meant bad connections so you had to shout. "You should be very proud of yourself, Trice," MJW says with an astonishing lack of sincerity. Finally, we find out that Trice lost 4.2 pounds this week for a percentage of 1.69. Again, why give the percentages two digits after the decimal but round the judge's average up or down to just one? Trice's total score is 8.39 and she's lost 31 pounds, which really is impressive. That's about 5 pounds a week!
Second up is Alicia. We're reminded that Alicia was in the bottom two last week, and that means she's upset. She's still tempted by the cheat cabinet, but not to the extent that she screams bloody murder and rips it apart like she did a few weeks ago. Which is kind of disappointing, really. Instead, she's working out hard and determined never to be in the bottom two ever again. And, of course, she really wants to win the phone call. "I'm gonna sweat and I'm gonna cry," she says as we see footage of her doing both of those things. Alicia and Italo are dancing to "Pump It." Alicia seems to have the footwork down pretty well, and I think this is the most natural performance she's had on this show. And she only makes her angry determined gritted teeth face twice, so that's good. Mayte liked Alicia's footwork and posture and gives her an 8. Lisa liked it even more and gives her a 9. Alicia cries. But in happiness, which is not as annoying. Danny loved the choreography but would have liked to see more bounce and groove in the dance. But he's just being nit-picky and gives her a 9. Damn, that's an 8.66 average! I mean, 8.7. Anyway, that will be really hard to beat. As for weight loss, Alicia lost a ridiculous 6 pounds. She can't believe it and has to turn around and look at the scale for proof. That's a percentage of 2.56 and a total of 11.26. Damn, Alicia finally stepped up. Good for her.
Back from break, I have to mention that MJW's dress is horrible once again this week. Horrible color, horrible style, horrible fit. I think one of the reasons why she's not very good as a host is that she's so uncomfortable in that thing. Also because I think she's starting to get jealous of some of the contestants as their weights drop and hers kinda... doesn't. up is Shayla, who interviews that she felt really uncomfortable in her booty shorts and midriff costume but ended up feeling pretty hot. She's starting to realize that she's a sexy woman. Shayla -- you have giant boobs and a pretty face. There are a lot of people out there who find you sexy. And like everyone else, Shayla really wants that phone call home. Shayla and Mario are dancing the "Lindy Hop/West Coast Swing" to "One Step at a Time." They start off with a great move where Mario flips Shayla by grabbing her hands through her legs and she lands it perfectly. Then he flips her again over his back and she again lands perfectly. And there's a cartwheel that almost releases her left boob from its holder. And, of course, great footwork. And Shayla and Mario kiss at the end! Let's hope it works out better for her than it did for Karla.
Mayte says the work Shayla put in this week showed and everything was clean and precise. And this time she actually means it, unlike some weeks where she'll say good things and then give the contestant a 6. No, she gives Shayla a 10! But then Lisa craps all over it by giving Shayla an 8. Danny says he didn't think the style of dance worked well with the song, but Shayla was excellent and he can see her progression from week to week. He gives her a 9. Shayla's average is a 9 and she once again tells us about how much she loves her father and appreciates him before she gets her weight. Shayla loses her shit when thinking about her father, and MJW doesn't really know how to deal with that so she just gets to the weight loss. Shayla lost 3.4 pounds for a percentage of 1.82. That gives her a 10.82, which means she will not be calling her father.
Ruben goes , like anyone thought he'd be stuck in the bottom two. No way. He'll lose 15 pounds and get a judge's average score of 11 and win the call home. Ruben says his first place finishes, of which there are three, mean nothing compared to this week, when first place will get him a call home so he can find out how his boyfriend is doing. Wow, John the boyfriend looks seriously weak in the home submission video. Ruben is hoping to lose as much weight this week as he lost last week and get first place. He and Hilary are dancing to "SOS," which is yet another song that I didn't think lent itself well to swing dancing. And what can I say? Ruben is a professional dancer and he does this very well. He makes it look effortless, but I'm not sure the moves were hard enough to get him the big scores he'll need.
Mayte says it was great and gives Ruben a 9. Lisa the wild card loved everything about it except that he was too elegant and fluid and she thinks this particular dance style calls for some bold movements. So she gives him a 7. Oh, snap. That sucks. I guess Lisa hates people with cancer. Ruben looks crushed. Danny disagrees very much with Lisa and says Ruben has improved and taken criticism without temper tantrum every week. He even praises Hilary for choosing the moves and routines that showcase Ruben's abilities the best. He gives Ruben a 10. But since Lisa hates people with cancer, his average is still just an 8.7 He'll have to lose a lot of weight to get the top spot. Ruben says he's worried about this since he had such a big weight loss week last week but he did the best he could. Ruben steps on the scale ... and he lost 6.2 pounds. That's no 10 pounds like last week, but it really is impressive. But not enough, as it's only good for a percentage of 2.28 and a total of 10.98 and second place. No phone call for you, Ruben! He's obviously disappointed, but MJW still makes him talk about how happy he is to have lost almost 50 pounds so far. If only Lisa had given him an 8, he would have won the call home. What is her problem?
The bottom two are Pinky and Mara. Mara will dance first, but first she goes to the Griffith Observatory for a group exercise session, like that's a good place to do it. Oh my god, is that Dr. H leading the group exercise? It looks like him from the back and sounds like him. And good lord, he's wearing tight little exercise pants and what appear to be leg warmers and/or ankle weights. It's bad enough seeing Dr. H in his doctor clothes. Do we really need Work-Out Dr. H, too? Ugh. Anyway, while leaving the group exercise session, Mara tripped on the break in the time/space continuum that allowed Miles to be exercising with them even though he was kicked off last week and injured her knee. And she has to be checked out by Dr. H in his creepy work-out clothes. Tragedy! Mara has to pull back on some of the exercise and dance moves, but at least she's getting along better with Paul. And unlike all the other sentimental fools, Mara is more interested in winning the competition than the phone call home.
Mara and Paul are somehow going to do a jive/west coast swing to "Womanizer." Here's a first: the show singer is better at this song than the original artist. The footwork looks good and I always love watching Mara's face during her routines. She does a great job of expressing the emotions of her dance. And what's this? Audience extras! Paul spins over to the audience and two women stand up and run their hands all over his body. I don't like the precedent this could set. No audience participation, please. Unless Karla is in the audience, of course. Mayte claims to enjoy the performance and the use of audience extras, but would have liked to see more bounce. Lisa disagrees and says while the East Coast Swing styles are more bouncy, West Coast is apparently smoother. She also lists the Lindy Hop as an East Coast style, but Shayla had to do Lindy Hop/West Coast Swing so that's really confusing. I really wish someone would put a non-violent end to these swing coast wars. Lisa liked Mara's dancing and especially her joyful facial expressions. Mara laughs and hugs Paul. She's just adorable. Danny really liked Mara's performance and thinks she and Paul got back the spark he thought they lost last week. "Paul told me less is better," Mara says. "He was right," Danny says. "YEEEAHH!" Mara squeals. Mara takes the scale and tells MJW she's sad to be in the bottom two but happy to be here. She lost 3 pounds, which is pretty good, for a percentage of 1.24. MJW says she lost 23 pounds since she began and "that is incredible." Well, not really after we've heard what all the other contestants have lost, which is a lot more.
After the break, it's time for our final contestant, Pinky. Pinky wanted to call her parents if she won the call, but after hearing Ruben talk about his sick boyfriend she decided to give her call to Ruben if she wins. She hugs Ruben and Alicia decides to join them even though she didn't agree to give her phone call to anyone. Quit horning in on Pinky and Ruben's hug, Alicia. Pinky says she's working hard to master her dance moves and lose the weight, but we all know that the latter part of that didn't really happen for her. Let's see if she succeeded at the former. Pinky and Mr. Lucky (LOL) are doing the Lindy Hop/Jive to "I Kissed A Girl." Pinky is smooth and graceful and not stompy like the judges keep dinging her for. And then she somehow bends over backwards and lands in a yoga bridge pose except that her hands are supporting the front of her body instead of the top of her back. That is seriously impressive. Mayte liked it but noticed a few points where Pinky got flustered. Lisa loves watching Pinky dance, but would have liked to see more side-by-side dancing with her partner. That said, she was just as impressed as I was with Pinky's move at the end. Danny is annoyed with Pinky for being in the bottom two again and says this show was named after her since she's always dancing for her life. Pinky takes the scale and lost just 1.3 pounds. Oof. That's just 0.75 percent and a total weight loss of just 13.9 pounds. And yet, of course, MJW thinks that's really impressive.
Pinky, Mara, and Trice stand on stage to find out who is going home. MJW can say right now that neither Pinky nor Mara scored high enough to get first place (nor could they have, unless Lisa went crazy and gave someone a 15, which is not out of the realm of possibility), which means the phone call home will go to Alicia. She cries. While Ruben holds her arm and hopes she'll donate her prize to him, she shuts him down and says she's calling her parents, neither of whom, to the best of my knowledge, have cancer. But I don't blame Alicia. I blame Lisa. Anyway, onto the loser! Mara's scores are read first, so you know she's safe tonight. She needs an average of 7.3 to stay. Lisa and Danny gave her an 8, so if Mayte gave her at least a 7, she'll be okay. Mayte actually gave her a 9, so she's just fine. Mara's overall score is a 9.54.
Back from break, it's time to see if Pinky got the 7.7 average score she needs to stay in the game. Lisa is crying already, and she now officially cries more often than Alicia. Mayte gave Pinky an 8. Lisa gave her a 7. Eek. And Danny gets to speak. He says it's a hard decision, since Trice lost the most weight of any of the girls and Pinky "kills it" on the dance floor. Then there's a five minute pause to build suspense and Danny gives Pinky a 9. Pinky sobs in relief while Trice takes the news pretty well. Trice says she's happy with her weight loss thus far and she's not a sobbing mess like some people on this show when they get eliminated. MJW could not be worse at the exit interviews, so it's awkward but blessedly short. Trice gives one last shout-out to Englewood (see? I got it right this time) and she's gone. I'll miss you, Tree-sha-nell.
And Alicia gets her phone call home. Her sister-in-law birthed her ass off to an eight pound baby and her family is happy to hear from her. In fact, they're all just as ridiculously over-excited about it as Alicia, which is kind of refreshing, in a weird way.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.