Last week on Dance Your Ass Off, Karla went home. Lame! This week, it's time for some Latin dancing. MJW greets us in her latest girdle-dress, although I must admit that this one is the most flattering she's worn so far. It's not saying much, but it's something. And now it's earlier in the week and she's walking into the kitchen to meet with the contestants, who aren't scoring any points with me with their continued ignorance of nutrition and basic colors. I think it's Pinky who asks what the orange fruit people are preparing is, and when told it's a mango, says "I thought mangos were orange." They are, and it is. Damn, Pinky. MJW enters, and no one is happy to see her because she's MJW and also she has bad news. This week will be a dreaded double elimination. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT!" Trice interviews. Awesome. The rest of the contestants similarly shit themselves, except for Ruben, who knows he's just fine because he used to be a professional dancer. He and Miles are brimming with confidence this week after their good scores last week. Plus, Miles is wearing a product placement gym T-shirt, and you never kick out the walking advertisement. MJW leaves, and she looks so much better in regular people clothes than those horrible dresses they squeeze her into. Anyway, the contestants react to the news in various ways. Miles works out. Brandon meets with the nutrition consultant. Tara goes OCD on her calorie counting chart. And Alicia cries.
Back on the stage, MJW frees the judges from their rhinestone eggshell and gets the show on the road. The first contestant is Miles, whose cockiness is starting to annoy me. He says he's working hard on not looking down and taking Danny's advice, and even recording the rehearsals and reviewing them later, which is smart. He and Michelle are dancing to "La Bamba," because someone had to. Michelle does an impressive back-bend and trusts Miles to do a high kick over her, which he executes perfectly. He doesn't quite nail the lift at the end, but it looked good enough to me. Mayte didn't see enough "strength" from Miles, despite all the impressive lifts, and gives him a 6. Has Mayte ever not given the first dancer a 6? Lisa, whose lips are looking very real today, calls the dance "ambitious" and gives Miles a 7. Danny was grinning during the performance, but didn't seem to like it, saying that Michelle and Miles didn't use much of the dance floor and seemed to be in their own worlds and not dancing as a team. He gives them a 6. That's a 6.3 for Miles. Not great, but he lost 4.3 pounds for a percentage of 1.75 and a total score of 8.05. That should be good enough to get him through to week.
Second up is Trice, who reminds us that she was in the bottom two last week. To avoid a similar fate this week, she met with the nutritionist and made smoothies. She also cut down on her chicken (might not be a good idea, that) and upped her vegetables (always good) and worked out all the time. Trice and Jesus are dancing to "Suavemente." I really like watching Trice dance; she looks like she's having a blast. They do lots of spins and Latin-y moves, but none of the impressive lifts like Miles, for obvious reasons. Mayte gives Trice a 6, although she's excited about how strong Trice is becoming or whatever. I don't even know what Mayte is talking about anymore. Danny is the only judge who makes sense. Lisa praises Trice for "locking it down," and then gives her a 7. She seemed to like Trice's dance much more than Miles', but they got the same score. I just don't get it. Danny wanted more hip movement from Trice, but liked that she and Jesus used the entire floor and Trice "stepped out of [her] comfort zone." I think it's safe to say that everyone on this show is stepping out of his comfort zone every week with the possible exception of Ruben, so how does this make sense? Anyway, he gives her a 7 for an average of 6.7. Trice was determined to put up big weight loss numbers this week, and she did! 5.9 pounds, which is a percentage of 2.29. Trice's ecstatic reaction makes me love her all over again. Her total score is 8.99.
Third to go is Alicia! It turns out that Alicia is pretty cool in real life, so I'll try not to be too harsh on her this week. But if I see one tear, it's all over, Alicia! Alicia interviews that she's actually excited about Latin week, because she's half Italian and half Chilean, and perhaps more importantly, her partner is one of the best Latin dancers. Italo is ready to teach Alicia to cha cha in just a few days, and Alicia is ready to work hard to learn it. They're dancing to "Let's Get Loud." Alicia plays to the camera and they do two lifts. One is more successful than the other, but it still looks pretty good to me. Mayte calls it calienté and says Alicia "started dancing with [her] face," which couldn't have been easy. I can't even dance with my feet, let alone my face. She wasn't a big fan of Alicia's footwork, which the viewers at home didn't get to see much of thanks to this show's camerawork that I'm not a big fan of, and then gives Alicia a lowly 6. What the hell, Mayte? Did you forget how to say any other number? Lisa wants Alicia to extend her body upwards so her arms will move better. She also gives Alicia a 6. Danny says that Alicia's body isn't quite doing what her mind is telling it to, but he likes her progress and gives her a 7. Her average is 6.3. But then she loses a crapload of weight -- 6.4 pounds -- so she should be just fine. That's 2.61 percent for a total score of 8.91.
Ruben goes . He's very proud of all the weight he's lost so far and chalks it up to careful monitoring of his food intake and not eating right before bed. He and Hilary are doing the cha cha to "Sway." Ruben is very graceful in his movements, of course, and does some awesome lifts. Mayte calls it "hot, hot, hot!" and gives him a 6. No, actually, she gives him an 8. Lisa gives him a freaking 9 and says his face is already looking thinner. Let's hope Danny will judge Ruben on a harsher scale and take into account Ruben's experience. No, he says that Ruben needs to go for some of his moves more, but gives him a 9. So that's an average of 8.7 already. He lost 4.7 pounds for a percentage of 1.63 and a total of 10.33, which is ridiculously higher than anyone else's.
Shayla is called , and she's thrilled not to be in the bottom two. She says that the threat of a double elimination has brought out her killer instinct. Apparently, this killer instinct takes the form of self-harm, as she sprained her ankle during dance practice. As I am currently nursing a sprained ankle myself (I got all three of the main ankle ligaments! Perfect score!), I have sympathy. Dr. H can't be bothered to make a house call, so he just talks to Shayla on the phone and tells her to walk through her routine this week. Shayla is not happy about this at all and decides to ignore his advice. Yeah! Go Shayla! Dr. H's medical opinion isn't worth anything anyway! To keep up the exercise, Shayla gets to go swimming. She and Mario are doing the salsa to "Bailamos," and Shayla struts out there with seemingly no pain at all and not even a brace on her ankle. Watching her turn her ankle in all of her moves causes me physical pain. Their dance is tight and sexy, but as soon as it's done, she is limping painfully. Mayte: "girl, that was fuego. Fuego meaning fire!" Thanks for the Spanish lesson, Mayte! Did you give Shayla a seis? No, it's an ocho meaning eight! Well-deserved. Lisa gives Shayla a nine, dinging her for not going far enough with one of her moves but saying at the same time that she couldn't have done it, either. Danny also gives Shayla a nine, and has nothing negative to say about her dance. She gets an average of 8.7, and says she hopes her weight loss was similarly impressive after all she had to overcome to even exercise. We have to wait for a commercial break to find out that she lost 4.3 pounds for a percentage of 2.19 and a total of 10.89, which is better than Ruben! MJW takes great pleasure in pointing this out. Suck it, Ruben!
MJW wriggles around and announces that Mara is up . It turns out that things haven't gone so well for Mara and her partner Paul this week, as Paul says he wants 8s or better this week and Mara says "no." "Yes!" Paul says. Mara interviews that Paul is a "drill sergeant." I think it's more like Mara has a bad attitude. When someone says you're going to do well this week, you say, "yes!" and keep that positive attitude. I'm like the most negative person ever, and even I can do that. After practice, Mara tearfully tells Paul that he doesn't listen to her. He says he does and he's just trying to make her look as good as possible on stage. Mara just says that the relationship they're supposed to have as partners isn't there. Also, she is "straight-up real" and "not a fake individual." Well, try faking a good attitude, Mara. Paul interviews: "I'm not here to argue, I'm just here to dance." For real, Paul. They're dancing to "Black Magic Woman." It looks pretty good to me, with lots of footwork by Mara. Mayte claims that she could tell the connection wasn't there between the partners, but if she didn't know that they had problems with each other I'm sure she wouldn't have said that. She also thought Mara's footwork was a bit sloppy, so shows what I know about dancing. She gives Mara a 6. Lisa tells Mara that on the dance floor, the man is the boss, so Mara can't keep trying to take control and fight everything Paul does. She gives Mara a crappy 5, so I guess Lisa is in her bad mood portion of the evening. Danny comes through and says that the tension between the partners worked in their favor, and gives them the 7 that they deserve. But Lisa's 5 means Mara's average is just a 6. She lost 3.5 pounds for a percentage of 1.4 and a total of 7.40, which puts her in last place. Bad news for Mara.
So now we've got Tara, Brandon, and Pinky left. Based on these contestants' showings, who do you think is called , thus avoiding the dreaded bottom two? That's right, it's Tara. Brandon, you buffoon! I love your dancing but I hate your weight loss. Anyway, Tara is thrilled with her progress thus far, and has already gone down several sizes of jeans and is looking forward to fitting into a size 8. She and Michael are dancing to "Livin' La Vida Loca," and it is not good. Even I can tell that it is not good. They aren't in sync, she's moving too slowly, and the back bend over Michael's leg goes wrong. Mayte hated it, and gives Tara a 4. Lisa says Tara isn't a Latin dancer, but she's happy for her for getting out of the Mom jeans. Mom jeans isn't a size, Lisa. It's a style. Anyway, she gives Tara a 5. Danny talks over Tara in his haste to hate on her dancing, saying that he could tell that she wasn't confident this week, and that's why it didn't go well for her. He gives her a 4, so I think it's safe to say that Tara will be leaving us this week. MJW dubs in some encouraging words about Tara possibly being saved by a good weight loss, and then Tara steps on the scale and hopes she lost 15 pounds this week. She lost 4.2, giving her a percentage of 1.85. She needed to do a lot better. Her total score is 6.15, which is 1.25 less than the second-to-last-place Mara. Ouch.
Back from break, Pinky is the first of the two weight not-losers to go. She was all about losing weight this week, which is pathetic when you consider the fact that we now know she didn't accomplish that goal. She's exercising and the nutritionist seems to think it's a good idea for Pinky to drop her daily calorie intake down to 951. On The Biggest Loser, they're always saying that people need to eat more. Is that just a ploy to cram in a product placement, or are they lying, or is Meg the nutritionist incompetent? I guess it's the last one, since Pinky didn't lose much weight this week despite her starvation diet. Pinky and Mr. Lucky, whose name still makes me laugh my ass off, are dancing to "Pon De Replay." There's a lot of footwork and spins, and then there's like a triple back bend that ends the dance with Pinky hovering over a crouching Mr. Lucky. It looks really cool. But Mayte didn't think Pinky did a good job dancing in heels, something Pinky admittedly doesn't have much experience with. She looked fine to me, but I didn't get to see her feet very much. Lisa agrees with Mayte that Pinky was "a little stompy," although Lisa thinks that just might be Pinky's hip-hop dance experience coming through. Before Lisa's even done talking, Pinky cuts her off with "thank you so much." Ha! Danny is not happy. Not about Pinky's dancing, but about her weight loss. He's going to be really mad at Brandon, then. He applauds Pinky's dancing ability and even gives her props (said in a very English manner: "props to you") for doing such intricate footwork so quickly in heels. On the scale, Pinky only lost 1.4 pounds this week for a percentage of 0.78.
Brandon will finish the night for us. He interviews that he was happy to be out of the bottom two last week and is looking forward to continuing that trend. Oops. He says he's going to balance dancing and losing weight this week. For his sake, let's hope he dances a lot better than he loses weight. Brandon and Yesenia are dancing to "Conga." The choreography isn't the best -- there are a lot of slow moments where Brandon doesn't have much to do -- but there is a cool move where Yesenia does a back bend and slides down Brandon's back down to his foot, which appears to kick her back up to a standing position. Mayte says that Brandon wasn't fully into it and giving his all in the beginning, but it was a good performance overall. Lisa liked the trick moves, but is annoyed with Brandon for being in the bottom two so often. Danny was disappointed and didn't think Brandon was dancing for his show life. He doesn't rip into Brandon for being in the bottom two three out of four times, though, even though he criticized Pinky for being in it two out of four times. As for weight loss, Brandon lost 1.7 pounds for a percentage of 0.77. Even worse than Pinky!
Pinky and Tara join Brandon and MJW on stage. Mara gets to stay seated, even though she still could lose, as MJW reminds her. "It's elimination time!" MJW says, sounding just as perky as always, which is entirely inappropriate at this time. We'll start with Pinky. If she gets a 6.7, she'll knock Tara off the show. Mayte gives her a 7. Good news. Danny gives her an 8. Better news. Lisa gets to show her score last for some reason, and fakes like she's going to give Pinky a low score before showing an 8. That gives Pinky an overall score of 8.48 and means that Tara is off the show for sure. They didn't really show too much of her, so I never really knew much about her, other than the fact that she's a mom. MJW gives Tara the most insincere-sounding "sorry" and side-hug ever and Tara leaves the stage.
Mara takes the stage to Brandon for the second elimination. I want Brandon to stay, but I don't know what his problem is with losing weight and I think Mara deserves to be here more. He needs a 6.7 to stay in the game. Mayte gave him a 6, because that's her favorite number. Uh oh. Lisa also gave Brandon a 6, so it's not looking good for Brandon at all. Sure enough, as a single tear falls down Brandon's cheek, Danny draws it out before revealing that he also gave Brandon a 6. That means Brandon is off the show. The audience is livid, but it's not the judges' fault -- Brandon just couldn't lose weight. And I don't think he'll do any better at home. I worry about Brandon. All of the contestants are sorry to see Brandon go, and MJW just smiles away at a tearful and defeated Brandon, whose heart is broken. Learn how to talk to people, MJW. Also, she spends way more time with Brandon than she did with Tara, which is unfair. Brandon says he'll try his hardest to keep up the weight loss, but he doesn't have much hope and neither do I. And on that bummer note, I'm out!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.