Sarah Versus Nicole Richie

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This show just keeps getting better and better. Just a week after Chuck told Sarah he'll never really know her name, or her, and sort of dumped her, he learns her name! Jenny Burton! (Or is it?) He learns this thanks to Nicole Richie and Ben Savage (I know!), who it turns out went to high school with Jenny Burton in San Diego, where she's from. (Or is she?) And Jenny/Sarah was nerdy and pathetic, letting people pick on her all over the place. (Or did she?). Nerdy Ben Savage character Matt married bitchy Nicole Richie cheerleader character Heather, and they're heading down to their 10-year reunion. Chuck's curiosity is piqued and he worms his way into a double date and then the reunion, where he finds out all sort of stuff about Sarah/Jenny. They also save Matt (multiple times) from the Russian mob, including his own wife, who married him for the money he could make with his big-ol' brain, but when it wasn't enough, turned to crime. Sarah/Jenny and Heather have a kick-ass girl fight all over their high school, but the best stuff is when they're throwing each other around in their short dresses in the shower. Bad-ass Sarah wins, shutting up Nicole Richie, much to the delight of millions. Then, most importantly of all, Chuck realizes that everything that matters about Sarah/Jenny is the stuff he already knows. (But, still, as we learn in another flashback, but Chuck does not: Even Jenny Burton and the high school thing are possibly a cover for who she really is.) And then Chuck and Sarah share a hamburger.

Our A and B plots barely meet this week, as Morgan, Lester, Jeff, and company (but no Anna this week, for some reason) increase sales at the Buy More by dropping the prices to suit the customers' needs (Lester's new sales plan while Big Mike's out of town). When this leaves them $3,700 short, they decide to throw a big party at the Buy More to earn the money back. It works, but basically destroys the place. They pull a Weird Science, but by working all night instead of through the magic of Kelly LeBrock, just in time for the place to be all shiny when Big Mike returns. He praises Lester's sales; how clean the store is; that everyone's on time. And now that Lester finally gets what he wanted -- respect from Big Mike and the support of the Buy More staff -- he quits the management gig.

In the coming weeks: Everything changes, because ... Jill's back! And now it's Sarah's turn to be jealous.

Check back on Wednesday for our full weecap. Until then, see if Chuck is really a nerd or not.

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We start out on a yellow Cabriolet with the strains of Chumbawamba as title cards tells us it's San Diego in 1998. The driver of said Cabriolet is a frizzy-haired, brace-faced, teenage Sarah (awww), who arrives home to discover ATF agents at her house. She gets teary, but only for a minute (this is Sarah, after all), before she runs to a tree across the street, digs up a box full of money with a note that says, "In case of emergency. Love you, Daddy." We pass to the present by way of Sarah's much more beautiful face. She and Chuck are in the Buy More making plans for their fake date. She spots Nicole Richie, who gives her a bitchy look (does Nicole Richie give any other kind?) and stalks her, as Sarah tries to flee. It's very suspicious. Chuck's being cute about their date the whole time Sarah's trying to get away, telling her she doesn't need to be so dodgy about pad Thai noodles. Sarah heads straight to Casey and gives him some secret message. He does something with the inventory gun that is clearly much more than that, and tells Sarah to take Chuck to the Orange Orange's Super Secret Lair (OOSSL).

Sarah leaves Chuck in a cool room filled with a gigantic computer that he is possibly more in love with than he is with Sarah. He knows everything about the computer, and speaks geek to himself about it, which is probably just gibberish, but I am not geeky enough to know that. (I swear! I'm not!) Then he does exactly what Sarah asked him not to: touches the computer. He pulls up a bunch of surveillance cameras (Buy More; courtyard; "awkward," which is Ellie and Awesome sitting up in bed in the middle of the day -- WHO does that?!), finally landing on Sarah talking to Nicole Richie at the Orange Orange. Nicole swears she knows Sarah, but Sarah's trying to pretend she has a familiar face, or has done some commercial acting. Nicole finally realizes they went to high school together, and Sarah's name is Jenny Burton! Chuck is like, "Jenny Burton?" as if that's just as boring a name as Sarah Walker, and he wanted it to be something exotic, like, oh, I don't know Yvonne Strahovski. Nicole introduces herself as Heather Chandler, but then corrects herself, saying she's Heather Ratner now because she married Mark Ratner. Flashbacks show us that Heather was a bitchy cheerleader and Mark Ratner (Ben Savage) was a huge nerd who got shoved into his locker by jocks, while Heather stood there laughing. Not cool, Heather. Then again, she's a Heather. Heather explains our episode title by saying "James Buchanan High. Go Cougars!" And here I thought it would be an episode about Chuck versus a group of older, hot women. But I guess we had Chuck with that type of cougar a couple weeks ago.

Mark walks in. (I would say something about Boy Meets World and Cory and how awesome he is/was, but I actually never watched that show; don't worry, though, Angel picked up my slack.) Heather reminds Mark who Jenny is, and Sarah seems to like him at least a little bit more than she likes Heather. Which, of course. Who wouldn't? They ask Sarah if she's going to the reunion this weekend, but she's not. In fact, I'm guessing the reunion committee was unable to track down "Jenny Burton," so this might be the first she's hearing of it. After all, she's probably not on Facebook or anything. Chuck walks in from the back room -- ignoring Sarah's instructions yet again -- for some frozen yogurt and backstory. When Heather tells him they all went to high school together, he makes an adorable Casablanca reference: "Of all the semi-tart, Asian-influenced frozen yogurt shops in all the towns in all the world, you walked into hers?" He gets them to tell him that Sarah/Jenny's from San Diego. And he has entirely too much fun with her new name, calling himself "Jenny's Chuck." Then he flashes on Mark, fakes brain freeze, and invites them on a double date that very night. Mark and Heather are so in. Let's just say Sarah's less enthusiastic. Then fun, bouncy Cake credits. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird Big Mike was added to the opening credits? Jeff, Lester, Anna, and Awesome I get, but Big Mike seems an odd choice. His character screams "recurring."

Speaking of Big Mike, he's at the Buy More setting up the episode's secondary storyline: He's going on vacation for a few days. He's leaving Lester in charge, and wants the employees to give Lester the same respect they give him, even if he is a scrawny-ass Indian kid with a Bay City Rollers hairdo. Then he leaves.

At the OOSSL, Sarah's mad at Chuck for sniffing into her past, but he says the double date thing was just him showing initiative, since they need to know more about Mark. Casey agrees with Chuck and tells Sarah not to kill the messenger. General Redhead appears on the screen and tells them that Mark Ratner has weapons clearance because he helps design the generation of super bombers. Casey almost has an orgasm just thinking about the cool weapons that might exist in the future. General Redhead wants them to go on the date and see if Chuck flashes on anything. Sarah doesn't like the idea of being herself, which she says isn't a cover (we'll just see about that), but Redhead insists.

Back at the Buy More, with Big Mike gone, Lester has a revolutionary new sales tactic to move product. He says this is a teaching hospital, so channels Miranda Bailey to show his interns how it's done. We all know he could never be as badass as Dr. Bailey, though. If he had even a shred of her in him, the Buy More staff would fear him more than they fear Big Mike. Anyway, what he shows them is that if a customer's unhappy with the price on the product, you mark it down to a level that makes them happy. I wish Best Buy would employ this sales tactic, because I need a new LCD TV, and would like to pay $300. All of the sales staff (and even Nerd Herder Jeff) take this tactic to heart, offering hundreds of dollars off suggested prices, or throwing in free accessorizing products, for the rest of the weekend.

Chuck shows up to pick Sarah up at her hotel room. She thinks he's early, but he says it's the usual time for a debriefing, which he feels is necessary, so he tells her his cover story (his real life) and asks hers. She's not playing along, even a little bit. She's a lot more pissy than I'd like for her to be, and even throws his note-taking pencil into the picture of the two of them, stabbing him through the face. Totally not cool. But I'll forgive her, because it seems like her past was not exactly fun. At dinner with Heather and Mark, Sarah is uncomfortable, so Chuck tries to make small talk. Mark's in engineering and starts to tell them about his top-secret work when Heather tells him to keep it top-secret because no one cares. I could not hate her more. I think that the reasons I didn't mind Nicole Richie in this role is because we are supposed to hate her character, so it worked perfectly. Because she's already hateable. Great casting, because there's no acting or stretching required. Mark's all sweaty and gross, which Heather points out. Then he excuses himself. He heads to the bathroom and is attacked by some mobsters who'd like those bomb plans, please -- but without the "please." Heather belittles Sarah for working at the Orange Orange, and Chuck makes awkward small talk about cilantro. Heather wonders if Jenny gets to see her dad, and Chuck wants to know more so Sarah dumps her wine on his lap. He heads to the bathroom, and obviously flashes on the two guys threatening Mark. They assume he's in on all of it, so they toss Mark aside to focus their anger and guns on Chuck. Just in time, Casey (who was posing as the waiter) comes in and knocks them both out. He goes to get the van to stow them, when Mark walks out, and is amazed at Chuck's strength. He quickly assumes Chuck's an agent, and Chuck assumes his new James Bond identity: Special Agent Charles Carmichael. Mark's totally smitten, but in a totally heterosexual, geeky way.

In the OOSSL, Casey is trying to threaten Mark into meeting with the goons' boss, but Mark will deal only with Special Agent Carmichael. Casey plays along, calling Chuck "Mad Dog," making Chuck out to be the bad cop and Casey the good cop. It's the most fun role reversal of the episode -- even more fun than Chuck getting protective of Sarah's vulnerability later on. Chuck smashes a Styrofoam cup (that takes such brute strength!) and Casey tells Mark he doesn't want to mess with "Mad Dog." He shows Mark a battle scar and says he got that for parking in Mad Dog's spot once. Mark's sufficiently scared. But also still smitten with Chuck. He doesn't know where the meet is, but gets a text and tells them the boss wants to meet tonight, but Mark can't do that. He can't miss his reunion, because his wife really wants to go. Casey decides the reunion will become the meet. Which should work out for Chuck, since he can find out more about Sarah/Jenny there.

Lester's having a screaming meltdown in Big Mike's office, because he realizes his new sales strategy has led to them being out $3,700. Morgan puts a call out for ideas to make cash quickly. They choose to go with Chuck's idea to throw a party and charge a cover, passing over Jeff's offer to have his mom's friend torch the place. It was a tempting offer, obviously, but not really a way to make money. I'm annoyed that Anna wasn't involved in any of this, and am finding solace only in the fact that maybe she's been recruited by Casey and is in secret FBI training this week. Anyway, the party idea: Everyone's in. Jeff will call his best friend, Beer, and see if he can make it on such short notice. I wanted that to be funny, but I can't decide if Jeff is saying that beer is his best friend, or if he calls his best friend "Beer." The third option -- that he actually knows someone named Beer -- is the least funny, so I'll assume that's out. Chuck (who was joking with the party idea) is glad he'll be 100 miles away. At Sarah's reunion.

Speaking of Sarah, she's working out with a punching bag, taking out her aggression while she visualizes the jerks from her high school. A jock tells her to let him know if she ever needs a man now that her dad's not around. And Heather looks on and laughs. Sarah's interrupted from this lovely stroll down memory lane by Chuck, who has a present for her. But it's not really a present; more of an "assignment." It's a pretty dress for her to wear to the reunion. She is not pleased, since the people at the reunion are the people who were just making her kick that bag with such force. This is where Sarah apologizes for being so mean to Chuck about her past, but high school was really bad for her. He thinks he gets it, and cluelessly compares her high school life to his, what with the raging hormones and awkwardness. She says sadly that it was more than that for her, and Chuck tells her it will be okay, because everyone remembers high school worse than it was.

That's the perfect segue for the Backstreet Boys to sing us into the reunion and its really terrible high school pictures. Were we really that terrible-looking in the '90s? That wasn't that long ago and I don't remember being such a fashion disaster. People are all shocked at how much our little Jenny Burton has changed into this smoking hot creature standing before them. Chuck gives her a pep talk, and then sees her horrible photo, and lies that it's not that bad. But even he isn't nice enough to make that lie seem true, because ... it's really bad. They washed it out or something for effect, because it's not possible for Sarah to actually look that bad, even in her frizzy hair and braces. This is much, much worse. We get a class of '98 banner, and I feel incredibly old. I guess I thought Sarah was my age or a little older, but apparently she's a couple years younger than me. And now Hanson's playing, as the dick who offered himself up as the man for Jenny in high school checks her out as she walks by with Chuck. She also sees Heather, who's still a bitch. Chuck is offering to show Sarah his '98 dance moves, which are so cute, when Dick (that's the dick's name; go figure) walks up and puts a stop to it with a skeevy pick-up line. Chuck's like, "Uh, hello? Boyfriend! Right here!" And then Dick tells them that Sarah's dad's in prison. Chuck doesn't have time to ask about it or even register shock because he flashes on Dick's tattoo. He's "paroled" and a member of the Russian mob, apparently. So Chuck tells Sarah he must be the guy Mark's supposed to meet with. She doesn't question it since he's always been a dick. Sarah tells Chuck to go let Mark know and she'll tip off the DJ, who is ... Casey. How much do I love that Casey has been spinning tunes by Backstreet Boys and Hanson and that he's dancing along, totally into it? More than should be allowed, frankly. I heart Casey even more than before. We need these little glimpses of humor and/or a heart to make Casey something more than just the big, bad tough guy who could almost kill Chuck when ordered to (although I think he could not.)

The other party, at the Buy More: Lester is collecting money as people enter and then running around trying to stop them from having fun (i.e. stealing DVD players, not wiping their feet, playing Guitar Hero, touching merchandise). If you're this uptight, Lester, you should have had the party somewhere else. What did you think? That people would stand around drinking and touch nothing? The only legitimate complaint in all of your running around reprimanding paying customers is the stealing. Everything else is to be expected.

Mark's not surprised Dick Duffy is the bad guy, because he used to terrorize him in high school, so of course he'd now want to terrorize on a larger scale. They set up the meet outside with Dick, and then some actual Russian mobsters walk in. Chuck and Mark are oblivious, though, because Mark chooses this moment to express his regret at not coming to the feds right away instead of stealing the bomb plans. He said that because the bad guys threatened his wife, he wasn't thinking straight. Mark says he's just a guy who likes math who got this beautiful girl (really? Her?) to fall in love with him and he feels like he's dreaming. Right then Sarah walks in looking as hot as ever and Chuck looks over at her, completely in love. Seriously, Chuck and Sarah have such chemistry, it sizzles even when they're clear across the room from each other. Mark says he knows a cool guy like Agent Carmichael would never understand, but Chuck acknowledges that sometimes the nerd gets the girl. Sarah keeps walking on outside to the meeting with Dick. Who lives up to his name once again by coming onto her and even groping her. She gets mad and knocks him out. Casey comes over and they see he's just selling illegal DVDs, knockoff watches, and pot. He's small time. Back inside, Heather's telling the Russian mobsters that her husband spilled everything to the feds. She heard him talking to his handler, "some CIA badass named Carmichael." Then she adds, for effect, "Kill 'em both." So, are we to believe that Heather is the boss of these guys instead of just someone who made a deal with them? Because I am really not buying that she'd be smart enough to be the boss of anyone, other than her pathetically adoring husband.

Buy More. More Lester walking around trying to clean up after everyone. There are gross makeout sessions, and people throwing up. But when Lester sees someone with Big Mike's marlin he's had enough. He wants it back, but the guy won't, so they fight over it, breaking off the nose. Lester tries to stop the party, but that is so not happening. We get a glimpse of Jeff doing some sort of upside-down keg stand -- basically lying on his back guzzling his friend beer straight from the keg tap. Yeah, party's not over.

Chuck's bragging about his fake secret agent skills to Mark when he flashes on the Russian mobsters. Oopsie, Chuck. Bad call about Dick, I guess. This flash is much more certain, thanks to the dead bodies and weapons. Chuck and Mark split up, and Chuck takes over the DJ station that Casey had apparently left on auto. Chuck pretends he's someone who went to their school, and it's cute, but he's also speaking in code to Casey and Sarah by introducing classmates; he shines the light on the two mobsters. When he passes the light by Heather -- who is trying to slip out unnoticed -- Sarah tells Casey Heather's involved, and he sends her off to deal with Heather while he takes care of the two heavies. I have only one small nitpick here: Chuck shines the light on only one guy, before Casey tells Sarah to leave, adding "I'll take care of these two." Then Chuck gets to the second guy. So, how'd Casey know there were two? And how did he know there would only be two? While Chuck makes up a story about the second mobster to make it seem like he's calling attention to fun high school times, the first one puts a gun to Mark's back as Casey leers without doing anything. Now would be good, I'm thinking, Casey.

Sarah slips out of her shoes so she can slink more quietly after Heather, and man, she is so sexy even when she's not trying. She asks Heather why she did it and Heather says she only married a geek because he'd get rich, but he wasn't ambitious enough, so she found the Russians, who offered a lot of money. Which ... sort of implies she's not the boss, but just working with or even for them. So, again, I think she wouldn't have been the person to order those guys to kill Mark and Chuck. That was probably for effect, so that we'd see how very bad she is, but it rings false to me. Anyway, Sarah and Heather fight, and Heather is unbelievably, stupidly strong, knocking Sarah around and getting away. While the girls are in the locker room fighting, Mark's reliving his high school nightmares as the Russians shove him in a locker. Poor Mark. He'll never escape this fate, will he? They say they'll shoot if he doesn't tell them where the plans are. Casey shows up and shoots one guy, then fights and kills the other. Mark's calling for help from Agent Carmichael. But Chuck's spinning records, putting on "Smack My Bitch Up" just in time for Sarah and Heather to head into the showers and tear the pipes off (with little effort, natch) so that there's water soaking them as they fight with the pipes. It's very very cool, even though one of the two people involved is Nicole Richie. Heather tells Sarah she should have suspected her because a girl like her would never fall in love with a dorky nerd like Mark. Sarah's all, "You'd be surprised." Because she's totally in love with Chuck. Can we just have them get together already? Back in the hall, Chuck walks up after Casey's taken care of the Russians. Mark comes out and credits Agent Carmichael with saving him again. Casey's starting to get annoyed. Hee.

Heather has a gun now, and is looking for Sarah. She asks how a "jailbird's daughter" ever could have grown up to work for the feds. Maybe because of this little thing called overcoming obstacles that so many people have proven themselves capable of. Maybe you should read a book sometime, Heather. Or at least a newspaper. Sarah comes out and kicks Heather right into the trophy case. Heather gets up and points the gun, but Sarah throws one of her knives at the cougar hanging above the case. It falls and knocks Heather out. And it's awesome because we hate Heather, but even more awesome, because we hate Nicole Richie. So it's nice to see her have her ass handed to her by someone as likeable as Sarah. As Sarah walks toward the gym, they are announcing that the reunion queen is ... none other than Jenny Burton. When her name's called, Chuck and Casey hop up on the stage to the chipper girl making the announcement, scanning the room for Sarah. And in she walks, looking like something out of Carrie, a messy, bloody, wet wreck. Completely vulnerable. And Chuck sees it too, because if it's possible, he looks like he just fell more in love, with his big adorable grin as she's given the big, awkward, ugly tiara. That is actually more of a crown, but that's not really the point.

Buy More. All of the employees are gathered -- looking far less drunk then they should at this point -- surveying the disaster. And it truly is a disaster. Morgan gives them a pep talk, though, and they go to work: cleaning in fast motion, finishing up right before Big Mike walks in. When I watched this the first time, it made me think of Weird Science, but forum posters made me realize it's a definite homage to Risky Business. To be fair, both movies have the cleanup at the end, right as the parents return. But, like Risky Business, the Buy More staff cleans themselves instead of having a computer-generated model do the job (though, with the Buy More geeks, that would have been a possibility). Big Mike comes in, all impressed with the store. Lester runs to Big Mike's office because he forgot about the marlin. But Morgan's already glued it back together and hung it back on the wall. Lester's touched that Morgan did this for him. Morgan tells him to man up; that he was just doing his job. Big Mike comes in and congratulates Lester on all of his accomplishments; the sales totals, the employees being on time, the clean store. But, like the egg at the end of Risky Business, Big Mike's marlin is cracking on the wall. Lester quickly says he can't handle the pressure and quits his management post. He rushes out just as the nose falls, and Big Mike yells, "Norman!"

Chuck is giving Sarah a cheap frozen burger to put on her eye, and he even sprang for a second cooked one for her enjoyment. He says he guesses her secret is that she used to be just a normal high school student. But we flash back to see what happened directly after she dug up the money box: General Candyman walks up and asks who she is and tells us all of the names she's gone by in all of the places she's lived. Then he tells her he can save her life, with the CIA. (Is this a CIA commercial?) And the rest is history. Or a future episode. I hope we at least get to find out what her dad was up to, and why she had so many secret identities even before the CIA. Her dad must have been into something big and bad, and I hope that's important somehow. General Candyman gives her "Sarah Walker" as an identity. Back in the present, she tells Chuck she'll answer one question about her past, but he says he doesn't need to know. He already knows the real person she is. I like that he realizes this, even though he just told her he'd never really know her. It's inconsistent, but also really cute, so I'll go ahead and forgive. And then they share a cheeseburger. That she cuts with her awesome hidden leg knife. Chuck is a little frightened.

"In the coming weeks": Chuck's ex, Jill, shows up. And they kiss! Sarah sees it happen and the tables are officially turned. Let's hope Bryce comes back and makes this love triangle a really complicated square.

DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.

Ponder the evidence of whether or not Chuck classifies as a genuine A-1 nerd in our Chuck: Nerd or Not? gallery.