Previously on CANCELLED!, it wassss raining outsssside the night The Retard'ssss ssssisssster wassss...you know what? Fuck the previouslys. There are only two episodes left. Who the hell cares what happened last week?
Currently on CANCELLED!, we pick up shortly where we left off at the end of the last episode, following the intrepid Manor Morons as they scurry amongst the smoky fumaroles of Jondar's former lair down in the Underworld. Piper's more or less in the lead, with Phoebe following close behind. Spastic Raige, the twitchy bastard of the trio, lurches around in the rear, flailing through the grimy air with the Book of Shadows. "I think we're going in circles," Phoebe announces, "because this [set] looks very familiar." "Of course it does," Piper replies. "It's the Underworld -- it all looks the same. I mean, how many looks can they come up with [on a per-episode budget that's a mere two-thirds of last season's, not to mention the fact that there are only two episodes left, so why bother, because CANCELLED!]?" Piper, incidentally, has one fist shoved into the front pocket of her pants with her right hand stretched across her torso to clasp her left forearm, the better to disguise the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, by now, thirty-seven months pregnant. The three chatter about their unfortunate predicament until a Flaming Ball Of Death bursts against the wall of a far corridor. The ladies dive for cover behind some papier-mâché stalagmites and proceed to run through their options, of which there appear to be few. Leprechauns? Raige is done with the annoying little fuckers, and besides, as Piper needlessly reminds everyone present, Maggot Neck and Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty have convinced the entire Stoopid Magikal Kommunity that the Charmed Ones are the real threat. Just then, a random FBOD comes flying out of nowhere to smash into one of the papier-mâché stalagmites, showering the gals with debris. "We gotta get out of here," Phoebe sighs. As the Ps rise to exit the frame, the screen flares white to dump us in...
...Not!warts? I guess, but for some asinine reason, Fugly Rufus is entering The Inky Chamber Of Zombie Malefaction from some bizarre expanse of bright whiteness, rather than from the hallway. Whatever! CANCELLED! The door creaks shut behind him of its own accord as he ingratiatingly places a hand on his chest and nods his head in the direction of the glowing white disk, from which The Zombie Triad soon materializes. Fugly Rufus brings Asmodeus, Candor, and Fat Guy With A Stupid Earring up to date on recent events. The Zombie Triad remains unimpressed with Fugly Rufus's achievements, however, for the Charmed Ones still bitch and yap and twitch and annoy. Fugly Rufus smirks something reassuring before vanishing into the opening credits.
And look at that! Monkey Boy's back. Brad Kern is, I'm sure, sorry to so ruin the surprise of Brian Krause's reappearance in this episode for everyone. Not. Also, the trailing end of the credits has reverted to what appeared during the first half of the season, so Kit's back in there, too, despite his later gender- and species-reassignment surgeries.
The Travelogue Testicle would like to say it again: We were cursed from the stah-art. I'm sure he'd impart other such pearls of wit and erudition were he able to ENUNCIATE ALREADY. Shut up, Testicle. The Opening Travelogue itself is endless, including as it does side trips to Treasure Island, Oakland, Alcatraz, and Marin County, but it's very, very pretty. Wish I could say the same for what follows it. After the camera cross-fades to the Manor's façade, it fades once more to take in Maggot Neck picking her unsightly way through the rubble left over from last week's Halliwell-banishing fireball up in the nonexistent attic. Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty enters from the upper stairs and wonders where all the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures went. "[Kern couldn't afford them now that Krausssse issss back on the sssshow]," The Ultimate Retard hissssssssessss, "sssso I sssent them home. I thought they'd be ssssafer away from ussss." Chrissssty's pissed, Maggot Neck'ssss having ssssecond thoughtssss, Desssstiny issss mentioned, and BORING. Is there a point to this scene? There is? All the way at the end, you say? Then by all means, let's fast-forward to the point where Chrissssty craftily reveals that Fugly Rufus "thinks [she and Maggot Neck] should use vanquishing potions time" on The Manor Morons. The Ultimate Retard is shocked and appalled at the very idea. Or, you know, whatever the hell she is when she stands there all gape-eyed and slackjawed and oddly proportioned and maggoty-necked and gross, and thank God for Stoop, who hearts into the nonexistent room at this point from places unknown.
Stoop warily greets The Sisters Retard, shoots a suspicious side-eye at the shattered glass still littering the floor, and wonders what gives. The Retards prevaricate until Chrissssty changes the topic by too-casually inquiring as to the purpose of Stoop's visit. Stoop's looking for the Feebs, of course. He's worried because he hasn't heard from her since last night at The Hagquarters where, he reminds the audience but reveals to Maggot Neck, "someone put her under a spell." Chrissssty darts a foul glance at her sister at this, but The Ultimate Retard appears oblivious to the implications of the revelation. Go figure. Stoop, picking up on Chrissssty's ssssecretly evil vibes, allows his voice to trail off before shrugging his shoulders -- his remarkably broad shoulders that are currently working that powder-blue, long-sleeved t-shirt of his to death -- and asking The Sisters Retard to have Phoebe give him a shout the time they see her. Chrissssty plasters a massively fake smile across her face and assures him they'll pass along the message before adding, "And you do the same. We're looking for her, too." Stoop offers them a nervous little half smile, blinks at the stained-glass shards sprayed across the carpet one more time, and hearts on out of there. Maggot Neck instantly wheelssss on her ssssisssster, hissssssssing ssssomething about the sssspell Phoebe wassss under, but neither Chrissssty nor I can stand listening to the bimbonic bitch, so we plunge into the white flare that envelops the screen, from which I emerge in...
...the Underworld. I have no idea where Chrissssty went. Then again, I don't care, because CANCELLED! Piper deploys the Mighty Hands Of Discontent to start a warmth-giving fire in some random underground cavern before hunkering down to it -- thereby cunningly concealing her midsection to disguise the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, by now, fifty-three months pregnant -- and grumbling, "We can't keep playing Survivor: Underworld much longer." The ladies strategize, and it's all so terribly dull and unimportant, save for the moment when Phoebe acknowledges she no longer harbors qualms regarding Piper's whole Death-To-The-Retards plan. "Are you sure you can do it -- I mean, really do it?" a disbelieving Piper replies. "Can you kill them?" "Ya!" Phoebe duhs. "They're no different from demons now, not after all of this." Piper and Raige exchange Looks Fraught With Significance as a trio of actual demons squiggles into the cavern to hurl Flaming Balls Of Death at our resourceful heroines, who respond accordingly. That is to say, Piper deploys the Hands to vanquish both the first FBOD and the demon who threw it, Raige uses her orbing telekinesis to redirect the second demon's FBOD into the torso of the third, and Phoebe loiters around uselessly in the background while the second demon squiggles away. As the ladies dart from the chamber, tonight's primary henchdemon squiggles in to examine their fleeing derrieres as the screen flares white to boot us up to...
...All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me. A skinny little guy who looks exactly -- exactly -- like a twentysomething Kevin Kline slides through the swinging glass doors from the exterior hallway to flick his eyes around the main room. He's clad entirely in black, sports some wickedly stupid facial hair, and, as we shall shortly learn, speaks with a British accent, so we know he must be Eeevil. The mystery gent ambles entirely unmolested through the swarming reporters to Phoebe's office, where he starts rifling through her inbox. "Excuse me," Elise Rothman, Girl Editor testily opens the instant she spots him. "Can I help you?" Busted, the mystery gent allows a brief expression of annoyance to wash across his face before he turns to greet her, spilling out some lie about being "a long-term admirer" of "Miss Halliwell" that makes him seem like a creepy stalker. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave," Elise frosts, and for a second, here, I'm certain he's going to respond to that by dusting her icy ass with a Flaming Ball Of Death. Instead, he apologetically lowers his gaze and eases past her to leave. Elise almost visibly shudders with some vague and distressing sensation of distaste as he passes by, and before he disappears, he turns to freak her further with, "It's just that she's not been back to her condo for a couple of weeks, nor to her sister's house, and I can't seem to find her anywhere." "I'm just a little concerned, that's all," he continues in a tone that reaches for, but doesn't quite grasp, solicitous apprehension. "Aren't you?" he finishes, pointedly staring her down. Elise manages to keep her eyes locked on his, but collapses into a worried sigh the instant he's strolled away.
Out on the Paramount backlot, the Kline-alike strides down the sidewalk with the henchdemon from two scenes ago, and I'm just going to cheat and look up their goddamned names, because we never hear them during the course of the hour. Kline-alike Nomed -- and do you get it? No, seriously, do you get it? Because I can stop this recap right here so you can haul your computer monitor over to a mirror and look at this page in reverse. No, it's no problem. I'll just sit here until...what's that? You're good? Well, okay then. Let's keep this moving -- asks henchdemon Zohar if the latter's certain the Charmed Ones are running around the Underworld. Zohar confirms this, and wonders what Nomed wants with our intrepid heroines. Long, long, long story short, Nomed plans to enlist the gals' aid in destroying The Zombie Triad once and for all. Zohar -- much like, oh, the entire viewing audience, sorely diminished though that viewing audience might be -- was under the impression The Zombie Triad had already been vanquished twice, but Nomed reveals his "old mentors" "always resurrect sooner or later, first in spirit form, then completely." Uh, sure, dude. We'll go with that, I suppose, because WHATEVER! and CANCELLED! It's all part of the neverending power struggle down in Hell, you see. Nomed and others of his "generation" can't duke it out over control of the Underworld until the last of the old guard goes bye-bye, and I'm sure I'd find all of this remarkably fascinating were this wretched and godforsaken show not ending week. Well, that's not exactly true. I'd never find any of this remotely fascinating, ever. Is this scene over yet? It is? Excellent.
The camera cuts to take in the façade of Daddy Dearest Victor (Jones) Bennett's wood-frame condominium building, which I've just now noticed has a series of solar panels on the roof. How nice for them. Up in his apartment, the oft-mentioned-but-little-seen-this-season Victor's playing Candyland with his dead-eyed and bemulleted mutant freak of a psychotic grandson, while poor, neglected, and doomed Tiny Gay Chris sways apprehensively back and forth within the confines of his product-placed playpen in the background of the shot. Victor foolishly taunts The Psycho, who needs a double red to win the game. Victor, sweetie. LET THE FREAK WIN. Seriously. Do you really want your entrails splattered across the ceiling? Because that's what's going to happen when The Dead-Eyed Psycho loses. And wouldn't you know it? The Psycho draws a single blue. As I cringe in anticipation of Victor's violent slaughter at the hands of his elder grandson, the card vanishes in a tiny cloud of orbs, only to be replaced by the necessary double red. Tiny Gay Chris, you see, has finally come into his mojo, and swapped in the winning card to save his grandfather's life. I'd find all of this cute were I not convinced The Psycho's just toying with both of them. Also, you know, there's that whole thing about me hating children on television working against the cuteness factor as well. Pity. Not.
Just then, Stoop hearts into the room. Victor, panicked, orders The Dead-Eyed Psycho to orb into the product-placed playpen. The wicked child obeys, then erects that shimmery protective shield of his around both himself and his ultimately doomed younger brother, despite the fact that Snidely destroyed The Dead-Eyed Psycho's shimmery protective shield two goddamned years ago, but WHATEVER! because CANCELLED! Meanwhile, Daddy Dearest's grabbed a poker from the fireplace and now wields the thing as a bludgeon while ordering Stoop to heart his tantalizing ass right the hell out of there. Or something like that. After endless amounts of stupidity during which Stoop finally convinces Victor he's not a threat, there follows an endlessly chatty scene in which...totally not caring, here. Stoop blathers on and on and on about his passion for the Feebs, which makes me want to hurl, and Daddy Dearest mutters darkly about the crap he and his daughters have had to endure for the last eight years because of that whole Charmed-Ones stuff, like, try recapping it, buddy, and the upshot of the scene is...absolutely nothing? Okay. Play it that way if you want, Kern. Just be sure to wake me up when something starts happening already.
Nonexistent Attic. Piper, Phoebe, and Raige whip up a nasty batch of Retard vanquish. They've all changed their clothes, by the way, and Piper's billowing black top looks like it's about ten sizes too big for her, the better to disguise the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, by now, seventy-two months pregnant. !
Our intrepid heroines search the second floor for The Sisters Retard, continuing downstairs when they discover nothing more than a set of vacant boudoirs. As the three reach the main hall, Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty and The Ultimate Retard lope into view on the sun porch. Or do they? A Retards-versus-Morons snipefest ensues, but something in Chrissssty's overconfidence rattles Raige, who stops Piper and Phoebe from flinging their Retard vanquishing vials at the last instant. "I told you this wouldn't make them attack us first!" Chrissssty seethes at her maggoty-necked sister before the two of them flare out of the room, for yes, gentle reader, The Sisters Retard were really astrally projecting themselves into the Manor from points unknown. God, I hate this show. The Glamorous Idiots hesitantly edge onto the sun porch just as Chrissssty and The Retard race into the now-vacant main hall from the dining room. The two sets of witches immediately sling their vanquishing vials at each other. Of course, the five tiny bottles collide in mid-air above the center parlor, resulting in a massive explosion that sends the Manor Morons hurtling backwards to crash through the sun porch windows as The Sisters Retard are propelled up through the staircase's balustrade to slam into the wall beyond. The Ps end up on the grass, with Phoebe and Raige more shaken up than anything else. Piper, however, has been knocked out. Meanwhile, The Sisters Retard are slowly rising to their feet on the shattered staircase. "You're hurt!" Maggot Neck ohmigodssss, sssspotting the bloody gassssh in Chrissssty's shoulder. Over in the garden, Phoebe grabs one of Piper's hands and orders Raige to orb them the hell away from the Manor. Raige grasps Piper's other arm and complies as Chrissssty, thwarted, howls in fury from her place on the stairs. The Ultimate Retard inssssisssstssss they take care of Chrissssty's injury immediately, so the two vanish upwards as the camera cuts over to...
...The Hagquarters. Barely has Raige orbed onto the floor with Piper and Phoebe when all three are whacked in the face with a shuddering white mojo that apparently knocks them all into unconsciousness. Nomed and Zohar appear to muah-ha-ha-ha over the Glamorous Idiots' recumbent forms before vanishing into the first commercial break.
The Hagquarters. Aftermath. The gals wake up, scramble to their feet, and oh, my holy Christ, this is boring. Can we cut to the end? 'Cause the end is awesome. We can't? Shit. Long, talky scene short, Nomed proposes an alliance to defeat both The Zombie Triad and The Sisters Retard, and the Ps tentatively agree. I think. I so do not care at this point. By the way, the reason given for The Zombie Triad's resurrection is that "they're evil incarnate, and since evil never really dies, neither do they, or at least not for long." Got it? Good. !
Oh, crap. I forgot about this part. Just as Nomed finishes up his proposal, a ghostly Dolt appears, framed in the doorway to The Hagquarters's boudoir. Piper, of course, is the only person present who can see him. He remains blank-faced and mute, but his eyes never leave hers until he presently fades away. Piper interprets the vision to mean that the Dolt's offering his spooky approval of the entire deal, so she plants her hands on her hips and tells Nomed, "We'll take any help we can get." Nomed smirks, and he and Zohar squiggle out. "How can you trust them?" Raige wonders once they've disappeared. "We can't," Piper admits, "but we're out of options." Phoebe blinks. Shut up, Phoebe.
Not!warts. Nomed and Zohar squiggle into Snidely's old office and speechify at each other for a lengthy period of time until Maggot Neck's hissssssssing assssssssaultssss their earssss from the Library down the hall. Nomed pokes his head around the corner to watch as The Ultimate Retard tapes a strip of gauze over the ugly gash in Chrissssty's shoulder. The one semi-important bit of this scene occurs when Maggot Neck warnssss Chrissssty that the gauze might ssssting a bit. When Chrissssty doesn't even flinch, a flicker of doubt passssssssessss acrossssssss The Ultimate Retard'ssss facsssse. Or maybe sssshe'ssss got gassss. Fugly Rufus enters, orders them back to the Manor so The Glamorous Ladies can't use the house "as a power base," which The Glamorous Ladies can't do anymore anyway, because they vanquished the Nexus at the end of last season, and this show blows, and I want to die, and WHATEVER!, and CANCELLED!, and Fugly Rufus runs off to consult with The Zombie Triad. Nomed ducks back into Snidely's old office as Fugly Rufus strides by, then orders Zohar to remain there while Nomed himself chases after Fugly Rufus to continue with the spying and such.
The Inky Chamber Of Zombie Malefaction. The Zombie Triad, after yelling about Fugly Rufus's incompetence for a bit, orders him to release The Hollow into Maggot Neck and Chrissssty. DUN! Also: Another commercial break! Six minutes after the last one! Because they don't have enough material to fill up the entire hour! But nobody cares! Because CANCELLED! BOO-ya!
The Hagquarters. The gals chat about the ominous and ghostly Dolt and what it all might mean for a bit until Nomed and Zohar squiggle in to fill them all in on recent Not!warts events. When Nomed drops The Hollow bomb on their wee puny heads, Phoebe and Raige are predictably panicked, but Piper receives the news with a cool equanimity, and immediately begins abusing the Book of Shadows in order to find the appropriate summoning spell. She understands instantly, you see, that the Glamorous Ladies must absorb The Hollow before The Sisters Retard, otherwise the consequences for the Ps -- not to mention the world at large -- will be dire. Into the middle of all this hearts Stoop, who starts off with a bright greeting for the Feebs, but quickly snaps his mouth shut when he picks up on the almost tangible tension in the room. Phoebe drags him into the boudoir, slams shut the door, and, long story short, tells him to go blow. No, seriously. "I can't do this right now!" she blurts. "I don't have time for this! I don't have time for you! My sisters are sitting out there, and they need me right now, and that's the most important thing in my life!"
Dear Brad Kern:Having Phoebe deliver a selfless little speech in the second-to-last episode ever does not negate the character's eight years of unrelenting hagritude.
Fuck off and die,
Demian
Stoop looks oh, so very sad as he wordlessly hearts out. Poor Victor Webster. Come to Demian and let him make it all better. Phoebe emerges from the boudoir, ready to rumble. Scene.
Over in Daddy Dearest's apartment, The Dead-Eyed Psycho, foolishly left unattended, jabs pins into a voodoo doll of his detested and likely soon-to-be-dead grandfather until Fugly Rufus squiggles in. There's some nonsense with the orbing to the product-placed playpen and The Dead-Eyed Psycho's shimmery protective shield that Snidely destroyed two goddamned years ago, and WHATEVER!, and CANCELLED!, and then Fugly Rufus convinces The Psycho to orb back to the Manor to help "Ohntie [Retard] save Mommy." That was way too easy for Fugly Rufus, if you ask me. The Dead-Eyed Psycho must be preparing something diabolical to unleash upon the unsuspecting Retard's oddly proportioned ass. Meanwhile, poor, neglected, and doomed Tiny Gay Chris wails, because he knows how stupid this show has become. I feel you, Tiny Gay Chris.
Manor. The Dead-Eyed Psycho orbs onto the carpet in the nonexistent attic to grin murderously at The Ultimate Retard. Creepy! Fugly Rufus squiggles in soon after and, as More-Or-Less Openly Evil Chrissssty stalks into the nonexistent room from the upper stairs, explains the entire Hollow sitch. Maggot Neck sssshriekssss ssssomething unbearable about Fugly Rufussss'sssss "crazssssy" talk, but Fugly Rufus insists they have no other choice.
The Hagquarters. Endless and pointless chatter vis-à-vis the pluses and the minuses of absorbing The Hollow, and we've heard it all already, and we also know they don't really have a choice at this point, so I'll amuse myself by transcribing The Hollow's entry in the Book of Shadows, mainly for the benefit of those too lazy to click on the appropriate hyperlinks to this information in the recap for "Charmed And Dangerous":
Ancient beyond measure, The Hollow is the most powerful and unstable force known to magic. For an eternity, both good and evil have guarded [against] the release of The Hollow's un-stoppable, all-consuming hunger for power.
The Book, by the way, is open on Piper's lap, the better to disguise the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, by now, ninety-five months pregnant. I think I've missed Block That Fetus! far more than is necessary. Or sane. Speaking of insanity, Piper's getting another vision of Ghostly Dolt, who seems to be telling her via his pained but resolute expression that absorbing The Hollow is the right thing to do. Either that, or he just really needs to pee after spending the last six months locked in The Angel Of Teasley's great big Sub-Zero in the sky. "Do you see him again?" Phoebe whispers. "Yes," Piper confirms. As Ghostly Dolt fades away once more, something in Piper's eyes leads Phoebe to breathe, "Let's do it." Nomed cocks his head straight into the commercial break.
Chez Victor. Victor freaks regarding the missing Psycho. Scene.
Nonexistent Attic. The Ultimate Retard'ssss having ssssecond thoughtssss about ussssing The Pssssycho to ssssummon The Hollow. Openly Evil And Increasingly Deranged Chrissssty couldn't give a rat's ass. Eventually, Maggot Neck and Chrissssty each take one of The Dead-Eyed Psycho's hands and we finally -- finally -- get to the good part of the episode. As Chrissssty and The Ultimate Retard begin chanting The Hollow's Craptin summoning spell, the camera begins a slow pan around their bodies paralleled by the pan sweeping past...
...The Glamorous Ladies over in The Hagquarters, where they recite the same spell. The five women's voices echo over and blend into each other as Nomed and Zohar witness the summoning from The Hagquarters's balcony. As the women continue chanting, the camera suddenly drops dizzily down to shoot...
...through a chasm that seems to fall straight to the center of the earth. With the ladies' voices still echoing across the soundtrack, the screen goes black for an instant before The Hollow's familiar OZ glows from within. It begins to shudder as we get a couple more shots of Chrissssty, Maggot Neck, and The Manor Morons finishing the spell. As they utter the final words, OZ snaps open, and the bee-like swarm of Hollow bits buzzes up to the surface.
One stream floods into the nonexistent attic through the shattered front windows. At the last instant, Chrissssty and Maggot Neck drop The Psycho's hands (Maggot Neck also almost involuntarily drops the slip of paper she'd been reading from at first sight of the swarm, which is an inexplicably nice touch) and the stream splits in two to slam into the women's eyes and mouths, knocking them back a few steps from the force of the impact. The buzzing clouds spin into their heads, and their eyes flip beetle black for a second before the camera cuts over to...
...The Hagquarters, where the same thing happens to The Glamorous Ladies. Rose McGowan, incidentally, looks ridiculously alluring with the beetle black demon eyes. Go figure.
Meanwhile, over at Chez Victor, Daddy Dearest's finally realized that if Tiny Gay Chris has really come into his mojo, the wee little gay one should be able to locate The Dead-Eyed Psycho with the his supernatural Lo-Jack. Not only does it work, but Tiny Gay Chris is able to orb his sick twist of an older brother back to Chez Victor from the Manor, which is the sort of power advance Raige has been waiting five years to receive. Heh. Raige is almost as useless as Phoebe. Almost.
But first, we get a quick demonstration of The Hollow's power-sucking abilities for those in this godforsaken show's rapidly dwindling audience who can't remember exactly how it works. Back in the nonexistent attic, The Dead-Eyed Psycho finally realizes something's not quite right with The Sisters Retard, and so erects his shimmery protective shield that Snidely destroyed two goddamned years ago. The Sisters Retard stretch out their hands and almost instantly absorb not just the shield, but every other power in the little brat's body. It's at this point that Tiny Gay Chris orbs his brother back to Victor's, but that's not really what's important by this point in the scene. No, what is important is that The Hollow's already affected the weeny brains of The Sisters Retard, who now turn on their supposed mentor in an attempt to swipe his powers as well. Bolts of fire shoot from Openly Evil And Increasingly Deranged Chrissssty's eyes, but Fugly Rufus squiggles out in a dodge that sends Chrissssty's pyrokinetic mojo flying to the far side of the nonexistent room, where it demolishes a stack of Grams's priceless antiques. Chrissssty's a bitch, y'all.
Back at The Hagquarters, Nomed and Zohar pull dodges of their own as freshly Hollowed Piper unleashes The Mighty Hands Of Discontent in their direction. Nomed mutters something about sacrifice before pushing Zohar back into the line of fire and squiggling out. Zohar, not quite grasping the basic concept of The Hollow, attempts to blast Raige with a Flaming Ball Of Death. She, of course, simply swallows the thing and, because of the Charmed One connection, passes the power to Phoebe and Piper. The three almost instantly release half a dozen Flaming Balls Of Death at the hapless -- and, let's face it, stupid -- henchdemon, who goes boom in a gross display of overkill. Once his howls have faded away, Phoebe intones, "First The Triad." "Then [The Sisters Retard]," Piper finishes for her right before disappearing into the final commercial break.
Not!warts, and this certainly is a pointless scene. Fugly Rufus bemoans the release of The Hollow, but The Zombie Triad isn't exactly what you'd call interested in their underling's outburst. The Zombie Triad, by the way, is lined up on the glowing disk like they're the goddamned Chiffons about to belt out "He's So Fine" on Bandstand in 1963 for some asinine reason. This stupid show. Finally, at long last, The Hollowed Ps appear to release in the assembled demons' direction massive sporking bolts of electricity from the palms of their hands. Fugly Rufus, the lucky bastard, manages yet another dodge out of there, but The Zombie Triad sizzles and zots until they detonate in a tremendous Waste-Land-bound explosion of lightning and howls. I'd say, "Let's hope they stay dead this time," but I've seen the script for the finale, so I know better. Ooops! Spoiler! The Hollowed Ps take a moment to gloat before orbing over to...
...the Manor sun porch, where they arrive just as The Ultimate Retard and Openly Evil And Increasingly Deranged Chrissssty clomp down the final set of stairs from the second floor. Menacing words of the sort one would expect in such a situation are exchanged, but Holly Marie Combs gets in the best moments when Piper regards The Sisters Retard with a mix of disappointment and disgust and eyebrows, "I knew we shouldn't have trusted you." "You should have followed your instincts," Chrissssty's overly glossed lips snot back. "time," Piper replies, with a casual tilt of her head and a hint of a smirk. When Maggot Neck gruntssss, "There won't be a nexsssst time," Piper's magnificent expression of unalloyed loathing is indeed a beautiful thing to behold. Unfortunately, we can't linger on that, as Chrissssty and Maggot Neck now eject four streams of pyrokinetic energy from their outstretched palms. The Glamorous Ladies respond with six bolts of the sort they just used to vanquish The Zombie Triad, and the resulting bluish glow floods the sun porch upon which they stand. The two types of destructive mojo meet in the center of the house, where they initially seem to cancel each other out. Soon enough, however, the roiling ball of energy flicks out increasingly large fingers of electricity, the first of which shoots straight upwards to demolish the Manor's signature chandelier. A second blast wave radiates outwards from the center parlor to take out, among other things, the much-abused grandfather clock. And finally, the colliding powers surge and mushroom upwards and outwards in a pulse of deadly energy that blows both sets of witches backwards through the air. As the women scream, the camera cuts first upstairs to the unoccupied front bedroom, then even further up to the silent nonexistent attic. In a couple of effects shots that are both well-done and oddly shocking to watch, the billowing explosion tears upwards first through the bedroom and thence through the attic, spraying floorboards and fire until we abruptly dart outside to the Manor's nighttime façade in time to watch the entire building explode.
They just killed the Manor, people! Bastards! I...I...I haven't felt this bad about losing an inanimate object since Metallicar. Sniff.
The shot cuts to a quick overhead of the gutted plot of land where the Manor had stood. Car alarms activate far below as flaming pieces of debris drop onto Prescott Street. The buzzing swarm of Hollow bits bursts upwards to circle aimlessly for a moment before diving down into the ground, and the camera shoots to follow it back into the chasm. The swarm plows into The Hollow's shuddering OZ, and the lid snaps shut of its own accord to slam us all into black.
After a long moment, stars emerge in the darkness on the screen, and the camera pans slowly down from the night sky as more Manor remnants cascade to the earth. The cacophony of the streets' car alarms comes into focus once more as the camera continues to pan down, eventually taking in the scorched and shattered stairwell landing before continuing past the warped newel, alit with flames. We pass the ruined chandelier before cross-fading to what's left of the grandfather clock -- the hands stopped at midnight, natch -- before cross-fading again to hover over the half-buried Ouija board and the partially blackened glass of that framed photograph of the Reconstituted Charmed Ones in happier times. Somewhere in the wreckage of what used to be the sun porch, a badly bruised Piper slowly emerges from beneath a pile of debris, an ugly burn marring her forehead and blood trickling from her nose. She staggers, disbelieving, through what little remains of the house she's lived in her entire life (far too easily flipping aside the marble top of the main hall's table as she goes, but this is, after all, Charmed, so what do you expect?) and eventually, her eyes fall on Phoebe's limp hand poking out from a pile of rubble, and damn Holly Marie Combs to hell for making me mist up over the bit that follows. Piper scrambles to push aside the broken pieces of furniture covering the rapidly cooling corpse of the Feebs and gathers Phoebe into her arms, begging her little sister to wake up, begging her little sister to look at her, begging her little sister to breathe.
As Piper buries her head in Phoebe's hair and dissolves into weeping, a small golden ball drifts down from the sky to hover over the ruined Manor's main floor for a moment before exploding into a cascade of light that eventually reveals the berobed form of the delightful Denise Dowse, returning once more as the regal Angel Of Teasley. The new arrival gazes sadly at her surroundings for a moment before holding out her right hand, upon which materializes another small golden ball that quickly explodes and cascades into Dolt form. Hello, Dolt. The Dolt, naturally, is confused by the Manor's current state of disrepair, but pushes that confusion aside to murmur his wife's name and hurry to her side, and goddamn, but Holly Marie Combs is selling the bejeezus out of this entire scene. Still weeping, she just shakes her head no in evident reference to Dead Phoebe, and what's this? Could it be? It is! The Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Anguish And Torment makes its triumphant return to the small screen when the Dolt realizes they've got a Dead Phoebe on their hands! Hooray! No, seriously. No. Seriously. Hooray! After suffering through endless hours of the vacant, vapid, slackjawed, dull-eyed, mouthbreathing atrocity that is Kaley Cuoco and her Ultimate Retard, I have a newfound appreciation for Brian Krause and the Dolt. Thanks for absolutely nothing, Maggot Neck, and may you never darken my television screen with your horrific presence again. Well, you know, after week. Was that a spoiler? I think that was a spoiler. Oh, fuck it. CANCELLED!
"The battle has ended," The Angel Of Teasley croons softly, "though not as I expected." She offers Piper a comforting half-smile before dematerializing, but Piper's so completely wrecked at this point, all she can do is collapse against the Dolt's chest and gasp and sob and weep some more. That is, until she hears someone struggling in another section of the rubble. "Hold her -- hold her!" she chokes, easing Dead Phoebe into the Dolt's arms, and sniff, and I'm getting misty-eyed over Dead Phoebe? DAMN YOU, COMBS! "[Raige]?" Piper manages to call out, ducking debris and darting across the floor to yank a couple of charred boards off of...Maggot Neck. Dun-dun-DUN! And then? Why, simply the most awesome part of this entire awesome sequence: Piper leaps on top of the barely conscious Retard and clocks her in the face! Only once, sure, but it was really, really hard! And then? Even better? Piper snatches up The Retard by her maggoty throat and chokes the living shit out of her! This is the best. Charmed episode. EVER!
Okay, not at all, but dear God, how I have waited and waited and waited for this moment. Unfortunately, the freshly defrosted Dolt yanks Piper off of The Retarded Bimbo before Piper can throttle the stupid bitch to death. Fortunately, he had to rather unceremoniously dump Dead Phoebe's rapidly cooling corpse onto the rubble pile to do so. Hee! Piper, in a furied frenzy, starts beating on him, screaming, "Let me go! You don't understand!" As she twists around in his arms, Maggot Neck lumbers to her feet and staggers towards what had been the front of the house. Piper slings out a Hand, but alas, it goes wide. Piper finally breaks free from the Dolt and hurls out both Hands as The Retarded Bimbo lurches through what's left of the front door. Again, Piper's aim is unfortunately off, the explosion hits the door's frame, and Maggot Neck vanishes into the night. "Why did you do that?" Piper howls, wheeling on the freshly defrosted Dolt. "You let her get away!" It's because the stupid Dolt ruins everything, Piper. Haven't you been watching your own show for the last eight years? Police sirens begin to shriek in the background as the Dolt pleads, "We need to get out of here, do you understand me?" As the sirens grow closer, Piper takes one last, bleak look at the utter ruin of her life before tearfully following the Dolt out of the frame as we finally fade to a "To Be Continued" title card.
Now, why couldn't this season have been as good as the last six minutes of this episode were? Stupid goddamned fucking CANCELLED! show.
week (though you'd never know it from the previews): Grams! Patty! Boring Jesus! And best of all? Big Gay Chris! Pity about Maggot Neck's appearance, of course, but we can just fast-forward through all of her scenes, am I right? Last Charmed Ever! Last Charmed Ever! Last Charmed Ever! Whee!