Many thanks to Embrujada on the boards for some wicked mad closed-captioning skills.
Previously on It Wassss Raining Outsssside The Night The Retard'ssss Ssssisssster WassssCANCELLED!, The Dead-Eyed Psycho terrified Keckler; Stoop introduced himself to the Feebs, started yammering about her stupid love life, and hasn't shut up since; Phoebe dreamed about banging her Cupid on a desk at All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me; Maggot Neck "emoted," then blamed herself for her parents' deaths until her ssssecretly evil ssssisssster cunningly foisted all responsibility for the elder Retards' slaughter onto The Charmed Ones; Piper tried to blow The Sisters Retard right the fuck up, but Chrissssty's pyrokinetic mojo put a stop to that; and Phoebe got up on her goddamned high horse about Piper's homicidal inclinations, like, RICK GITTRIDGE, BITCH.
Currently on CANCELLED!, we find the intrepid Manor Morons tiptoeing down one of the side hallways at Not!warts, sniping at each other the entire time. Phoebe, you see, despite her vow last week to stop The Sisters Retard by any means necessary, is now once again arguing that Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty and The Ultimate Retard "are being manipulated by something" and are therefore not responsible for their actions, and SHUT UP, PHOEBE. God, she's a fucking idiot! Piper and Raige tolerate Phoebe's incessant ramblings for whatever reason, but you can tell that Piper wants to blow her bony, stupid hag ass up, and you can also tell that Raige would do the same were she so empowered. Phoebe's tiresome natterings eventually trail off, and she tentatively steps over to a closed door behind which, she claims, lurks the evil responsible for Chrissssty and Maggot Neck's behavior as of late. Phoebe twists at the handle and swings open the creaky door to reveal the interior of an all-black chamber. At the center of the chamber rests a low dais supporting a glowing white disk of some sort. "All right!" Raige too-brightly perks. "Now that we've ascertained it's a creepy, empty room, I think we can go!" My. "Ascertained" certainly is a big word for a gal who doesn't know what flogging is, don't you think? God, I hate this show. Phoebe argues that though the room appears to be empty, the "vibes" she's pulling from it indicate otherwise. Piper couldn't care less and wants out of there, pronto. Piper and Raige eventually prevail, dragging Phoebe from the chamber and slamming the door shut behind them just as a chorus of unearthly voices begins ululating on the soundtrack. Just in case you didn't get that sound cue, the camera pans down to linger on the center dais's glowing white disk for a moment before cutting out to...
...the exterior hallway, where Creo's just now squiggling in with a trio of henchthugs. "You're not supposed to be here," he notes, sounding oddly amused by the entire situation. "Actually, I think you got that backwards," Piper snorts, preparing to deploy the Mighty Hands Of Discontent. Creo conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death in response, but before either party can release any destructive mojo on the other's ass, Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty calls out, "Stop!" from off screen. "I mean it!" she insists, lunging through Creo's henchthugs to get all up in his face. Creo scowls, but allows the FBOD to fizzle out harmlessly in his hand. "So, what?" Phoebe squints in Chrissssty's direction. "Are these hall monitors working for you now? Does [the stupid fucking bimbo retard] know about this?" Chrissssty's all, "That's no concern of yours, trash." Raige steps up to snot something defiant, so Chrissssty wheels on her to sneer, "What are you going to do about it -- vanquish me? Oh, wait! I'm human, and that's murder, and that's illegal, isn't it?" and Chrissssty? RICK GITTRIDGE. Consider yourself warned. Piper offers a frosty smile and smarms something about self-defense that I'll be ignoring because she should be blowing Chrissssty right the fuck up as I type this and whatever! and CANCELLED! and Raige finally -- finally -- grabs Piper and Phoebe's hands to orb up through the ceiling. Chrissssty spins on her heel to excoriate Creo for showing his face in Not!warts after she'd given him explicit instructions not to do so. His response makes it clear he was ordered there by a power far greater than himself, though he remains mute regarding that greater power's identity. Chrissssty's not having it and curtly reminds him, "I promised my sister [The Glamorous Idiots] wouldn't be hurt -- not 'til we're ready." A thundering herd of drums stampedes across the soundtrack for a moment before everything's swallowed up by the opening credits.
The Travelogue Ovary would like you all to know that she's not scared, she's just changing. NO ONE CARES, WHINER. By the way, the previouslys, the opening credits, and the travelogue have taken up three full minutes of an episode whose running time clocks in at barely forty without the commercials, so we can already tell how pointless and sucky tonight's installment is going to be. In any event, after we hurtle above and around San Francisco for a bit, we eventually land on the Manor's façade and travel inside to the kitchen, where we find Piper and Raige discussing Piper's ginormous Doltsicle and how much marriage sucks when you're magical, and it's all so BORING, but at least Piper looks good this evening. She's sporting a pair of dangly silver earrings several on the forum boards covet dearly, and she's wearing a lovely, flowing, loose-fitting dark blue blouse, the better to disguise the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, by now, three months pregnant. Piper and Raige natter at each other until Phoebe bellows for them from the dining room, where she claims she's discovered the identity of "the new power." Unfortunately, before she shares what she's learned, we must first endure Piper and Raige hustling into chairs around the table to needle the Feebs about Stoop, with whom Phoebe has -- wait for it -- fallen in love, which is of course against the rules, and oh, my God, they practically started this hateful series with this goddamned forbidden-love storyline eight fucking years ago, and NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT PLAY OUT AGAIN, EVER. I shouldn't allow myself to get so worked up about it, though, because CANCELLED!, so I'll just ignore nearly everything Stoop-related for the three decades, okay? Good.
Whoa. Did I just type "decades" there? I meant "episodes" of course, but, you know. Same difference.
Anyway, long story short, Phoebe's decided to enlist the aid of the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures, and passes Raige a list of the most prominent of these from the last six seasons. "Why are leprechauns at the top of the list?" Raige groans. To piss me off, Raige. To piss. Me. Off. Phoebe's of the opinion, however, that the leprechauns' luck is just what the Manor Morons need at the moment, and proposes to send them off to Not!warts for further reconnaissance now that the hated school is off-limits to the gals themselves. Raige sighs. "What happened in my life that I wound up having to talk to leprechauns so much?" Bitch, what happened in mine that I wound up having to recap the little fuckers six goddamned times in the last three years? Shut up, Raige. Phoebe pretty much ignores Raige's misgivings and sends her off to chat with the little fuckers in question, while Phoebe herself remains in the Manor with Piper to abuse the Book of Shadows in hopes of finding an entry on Chrissssty's "hall monitor." As Holly Marie Combs struggles to push herself to her feet because she is, by now, five months pregnant, the screen flares white to whisk us over to...
...Not!warts, where The Ultimate Retard sits at Snidely's old desk, filling a notebook with the Halliwells' magical biographies in an attempt to identify their weaknesses -- or so Chrissssty notes with approval when she enters to join her maggoty-necked and horribly coiffed sister in the office. The babbling that follows quickly escalates into shrieking bitchery when Chrissssty implies that nothing short of death will stop the Manor Morons from abusing their powers in order tozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Seriously: Yaaaaaaaaawn. Does anyone care about Maggot Neck's moral qualms at the moment? Did anyone ever care about anything involving the Retarded Bimbo, from the very first moment she appeared on the screen seven and a half months ago? Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so. Shut up, Charmed. Long story short, The Ultimate Retard could never kill a mom like Piper because of the kids, or something like that, leading Chrissssty to peeve, "You know what? I'm tired of trying to convince you of this." "If you don't want to believe me, then fine," she continues, "but I'm gonna introduce you to someone that you'll have to believe." Dun dun DUN! NOT! The Ultimate Retard fingers the many folds in her neck as the screen flares white once again to escort us over to...
...The United Colors Of Munchkinland. As the twee tootling of The Mischievous Pan-Pipe Of Annoying Irish Stereotypes kicks in on the soundtrack, we spot three of the little fuckers playing poker in the foreground of the shot while Raige orbs into the clearing beyond them. Joining The Man From Another Place and TheC.S.I.Piñata for this evening's festivities is a dwarf I won't even bother looking up, because I hate the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures so much, and why are they devoting one of the three remaining episodes to these assholes, and this show sucks, and I want to die, despite the fact that it's CANCELLED! and oh, my holy crap, but The C.S.I. Piñata's Irish accent hasn't improved at all in the last three years and is, in fact, atrocious, and sweet bleeding Christ on a stick, I hate this show. Admittedly, Michael J. Anderson's accent isn't much better, but Anderson's still the recipient of a lot of good will from yours truly for his performances in Twin Peaks and Carnivàle, so I'm more willing to overlook -- you know what? Fuck it. I'm spinning off on a pointless tangent just so I can avoid watching this aggravating scene again, so let's cut to the goddamned chase: Despite their misgivings regarding the mission, and despite the fact that they're more than a little annoyed that the Manor Morons keep nagging them for favors, The Man From Another Place and The C.S.I. Piñata agree to infiltrate Not!warts on Raige's behalf. Scene.
The screen may or may not have flared white to dump us back over on Prescott Street, and I'm not rewinding to check, because this pointless episode blows, and I want to die. Up in the nonexistent attic, Phoebe's using one of Grams's priceless antiques for target practice as she flings vial after vial of something explosive and deadly at the upholstered fabric of a Victorian armchair. Ungrateful bitch. Meanwhile, Stoop hearts in unannounced from points unknown, and for his troubles almost takes a vanquishing vial to his chest. "You mad at me, or something?" Stoop twinkles, flapping one of his massive paws around in the smoky air. Phoebe goggles at him, struck speechless by her overwhelming yet forbidden love for him, and NOT CARING because WE'VE SEEN THIS ALREADY and WHATEVER and CANCELLED! Long story short, Stoop's found "an aid worker in Bangladesh" he thinks would be just perfect for her, Phoebe scoffs at the very idea of getting vaccinated just to go on a date, Stoop wonders what crawled up her ass and died, Phoebe admits she's fallen in love with him, and they mack. Whoopee. Is this show done yet? I think this show should have been done by now. Anyway, Piper pedebabbles into the nonexistent room from the upper landing in time to catch the canoodling, and she makes with the loud and false apologies for barging in on them like that until she's succeeded in driving Stoop from the Manor. Once he's hearted out of there, Piper gets down to business, wondering if Phoebe's managed to identify Creo. Alyssa Milano gets in some mildly amusing physical shtick with various potion ingredients and Phoebe's abuse of same due to the character's thwarted libido, or whatever, until Phoebe admits that she has found an entry for the demon in question. The problem is, they'll have to lure him from Not!warts before they can do anything to him. Piper flips the Book open to "The Truth Spell" and vows they'll force Creo to spill everything he knows the second he sets foot outside the much-loathed school. The camera pulls in on the spell's accompanying enormous pink maggot for a bit until the screen flares white to shoot us over to...
...that black chamber in Not!warts. Chrissssty creaks open the door, lures Maggot Neck in from the hall, and Jesus Christ, this scene is boring. Long story short, Chrissssty's escorted The Ultimate Retard into the black chamber so the latter might meet the imaginary fiend from their childhood, a gent named Dumain who's dressed like a low-rent Vic Sage and who looks like an ugly Rufus Wainwright. And it's not like St. Rufus is about to stop any clocks to begin with, if you know what I mean. I'm just sayin'. And by the by, now that we know these two have been under the influence of an Imaginary Fiend their entire lives, would someone summon Boring Jesus from the future so he can drama-queen "Leave my family alone!" and cremate their annoying asses already? Please? Someone? Anyone? No one? Fuck.
ANY-way, where was I? Oh, yeah: While I've been babbling on, Ugly Rufus has conjured a shimmery screen from the glowing disk atop the dais, and what's this? It's Mangy Jesus and Big Gay Chris! Hooray! Our Darling Boys run through one of the scenes set in The Dead-Eyed Psycho's future dystopia for Maggot Neck's benefit. Some on the boards have argued that Fugly Rufus shouldn't have access to this bit between the adult brothers, because Big Gay Chris managed to alter the timeline and ensured that Mangy Jesus would grow up to be Boring, and therefore this dialogue never will take place. I would like to remind those people that I have always believed Big Gay Chris returned to the past only to die in vain, and I'll leave it at that. By the way, the purpose of this flash-forward, apparently, was to shatter Maggot Neck's remaining resistance to Chrissssty's whole Death-To-The-Halliwells thing, which, as you'll recall from the Retard's earlier scene, is based on her reluctance to harm Piper's children, even tangentially by, oh, slaughtering their mother like a pig. I hate this show. Save me, Boring Jesus! Alas, I receive no answer from him, and so am forced to note that after a few "tension"-"filled" moments, Maggot Neck rejects Chrissssty and Fugly Rufus's arguments, and waddles her oddly proportioned ass out of there. Fugly Rufus sends Chrissssty after her, turns to face the glowing disk once the black chamber's door's closed, and fuck. ME. The Triad pops up out of the glowing disk. You know, the three guys from the middle of the season? The three guys Cole killed five years ago? The three guys The Manor Morons and Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty killed again in the last couple of months? Yeah. THOSE FUCKERS. God, I hate this show. Thank Christ it's CANCELLED! The Triad chides Fugly Rufus for...whatever; Fugly Rufus looks tense because...I don't care; and this stupid, awful, stupid, evil episode finally, at long last, limps into the first commercial break.
Back from the break, we pick up right where we left off, and here's what you need to know from the endless chatter that follows: The Triad is actually in some sort of demonic limbo, from which it'll be freed once The Manor Morons and The Sisters Retard off each other. After that happens, they'll elevate Fugly Rufus to Triad status as a reward for his fifteen years' worth of work on the entire project. You got all that? Good. Either Candor or Asmodeus or Fat Guy With The Stupid Earring hears someone approaching the black chamber, and the various demonic sorts present vanish in various ways as The Man From Another Place and The C.S.I. Piñata sneak into the room from the hall. The annoying little fuckers quickly sense that something's not quite right in the black chamber, so The Man From Another Place sets a crock of magical trouser nuggets down on the floor and incants the following:
Go n-éirí an bóthar laet!
Let luck reveal what can't been seen.
Fabled land of poets, my ass. And why would the chant to activate the stupid fucking rainbow work on the crock of magical trouser nuggets? GOD, I hate this show. Anyway, ANYWAY, the magical trouser nuggets dissolve into a golden stream of light that arcs over towards the dais's glowing disk. The instant it reaches the thing, however, a black funnel cloud erupts to block the little fuckers' mojo, in the process spinning out winds strong enough to drive The Man From Another Place and The C.S.I. Piñata from the room. Once the door slams to bar the little fuckers from the chamber, Fugly Rufus reappears to smirk, "We may have just found a way to help [Maggot Neck] cross the final threshold. She may not believe the Charmed Ones are evil from us, but she'll believe it from [the annoying little fuckers, because she's a drooling moron, and this show sucks, and I want to die]." "Agreed!" the disembodied Zombie Triad shouts as one. "Summon Creo!" The demon in question promptly squiggles in and rather obsequiously eyebrows, "At your service, my lord." Such a polite young gentleman. Pity he'll be dead in about nine minutes. The camera lingers on Fugly Rufus's triumphant sneer for far too long before it cuts over to...
...Snidely's old office, and the hissing and the shrieking and the screaming and the "Desssstiny!" and OH MY GOD SHUT UP RETARD SHUT UP CHRISSSSTY SHUT UP RETARD SHUT UP CHRISSSSTY SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP AND DIE! Fugly Rufus barges in at some point to shout, "Demons!" and then we're off to the Library, where Creo and one of his henchthugs are winging Flaming Ball Of Death after Flaming Ball Of Death at The Man From Another Place and The C.S.I. Piñata. Maggot Neck lumbers in ahead of Chrissssty and Fugly Rufus, takes a second to evaluate the situation, and telekinetically flings a handy athame into the henchthug's chest right before the guy launches a final, ass-frying FBOD at the annoying little fuckers, who have by now crawled beneath a table to hide from the assault. Or, you know, they walked beneath it to hide from the assault. Because they're so short? Oh, whatever. Let's cut to the chase, shall we? Creo and Fugly Rufus basically concocted the entire attack so Maggot Neck might save the day, thereby winning the annoying little fuckers' allegiance for herself. Chrissssty, despite her telepathic connection to her various dark demonic friends, doesn't appear to have been made aware of the plan in advance, but she improvises her way through a series of Retard-appropriate responses to the situation, at one point even threatening to think real hard for a second to send Creo to The Waste Land in a pyrokinetic fireball. At Fugly Rufus's prompting, however, Maggot Neck lets Creo off with a warning, then toddles over to the annoying little fuckers to see if they're okay. They are, more or less, not that anyone in the entire universe gives a rat's ass about the stupid fucking leprechauns in this or any other episode, but that's not important. What is important is that The Man From Another Place and The C.S.I. Piñata admit they were sent to Not!warts by The Charmed Ones. Looks Fraught With Significance all around until the screen flares white to zap us over to...
...the nonexistent attic, where we find Piper hastily positioning herself behind a high table, the better to disguise the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, by now, eleven months pregnant. Phoebe, meanwhile, is still being an idiot about the inevitable Maggot Neck and Chrissssty vanquish. Go figure. Piper, with far more patience than I'd be able to muster in the same situation, reminds her dimwitted hag of a sister, "We're not talking about innocents, here, and whether or not there's a force behind them, The Triad hand-picked them to kill us. I mean, it's time to get real." Phoebe blithers something inane about avoiding confrontation, because she's a fucking moron, just as the crystal with which she'd been scrying for Creo's current location slams down on the city map spread out before her. It's landed suspiciously close to AT&T Park. Hmmmm. Phoebe hops up, retrieves a couple of vials of "truth potion" that Piper had whipped up at some point in the three years since this episode began, and heads off to confront Creo with Raige. Piper frets.
Not!warts. There follows a scene that lasts a full minute and a half between Fugly Rufus, The Ultimate Maggoty-Necked Retard, Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty, The Man From Another Place, and The C.S.I. Piñata. Does anyone -- anyone -- care what they have to say? No? Didn't think so. !
Oh, fine: The disgruntled little fuckers bad-mouth the Manor Morons, basically calling them lazy bitches who can't be bothered to do their own dirty work anymore. They also reveal they were sent to Not!warts in search of The Ultimate Power, which The Glamorous Ladies told them was evil, and must therefore be destroyed. Are you happy now? Jeez!
Meanwhile, over in a dank and forbidding alleyway, Creo and Evil Barry Bonds loiter around an open barrel fire, chatting about the current sorry state of affairs in the Giants clubhouse, and there is, I hate to tell you, dissension in the ranks. Evil Barry Bonds, you see, is getting sick of catching flak about that whole BALCO thing, and wants to know when he'll be properly compensated for his role in The Triad's Nefarious Demonic Plot For Retard Domination by surpassing Hank Aaron's home run record. Creo counsels patience at first, then rather snippily reminds Evil Barry Bonds that they both "signed an oath in blood," so Evil Barry Bonds should knock it off with the bellyaching, already, lest Evil Barry Bonds suffer "a fate much worse than death." "Funny you should say that!" Raige lilts from off-screen as the deafening shriek of her orb cloud hits the soundtrack. When the camera cuts over to take in Raige and Phoebe, Raige lifts a hand in the air and calls out, "Demons!" Much to the delight of many on the boards, who have been waiting for such a power display for what seems like three thousand years, Raige's orbing telekinesis kicks in and sends Creo and Evil Barry Bonds flying through the air to crash heavily onto the asphalt at the other end of the alleyway. As they scramble to their feet, Phoebe sneers, "We have a few questions for you." She then overhands the truth potion vial towards their feet, and she totally throws like a girl. Or, you know, like Matt Morris. The vial smashes on the ground, expelling a cloud of mojo that plows into the demons' bodies, making them glow a slight white for a moment. As the boys reel from the potion's effects, Raige twitches, "Gentlemen? Who is the wizard behind the curtain, so to speak?" Creo's all, "The what?" because black-clad demonic go-go boys don't get Wizard Of Oz references. "The demon!" Phoebe clarifies. "Who are you working for?" Evil Barry Bonds is about to hork out an answer when Creo stills him with a hand, heaving, "No -- you can't!" "Too bad you don't have a choice," Phoebe rather overconfidently asserts. No sooner have the words left her mouth than Creo and Evil Barry Bonds conjure Flaming Balls Of Death, which they then hurl into each others' torsos. Demons instantly go boom, leaving a shocked Phoebe and Raige to goggle their collective way into the commercial break. Meanwhile, legions of grateful Hank Aaron fans pen letters of thanks to The Zombie Triad for that whole blood-oath-of-loyalty thing.
Nonexistent Attic. Aftermath. Raige orbs in with Phoebe to fill the waiting Piper in on recent National League developments. Raige then wonders how the annoying little fuckers are faring, and so retrieves the shillelagh she'd been given during an episode I'm trying desperately to forget, and uses it to summon The Man From Another Place and The C.S.I. Piñata back from Not!warts. As they'd been sitting on a sofa over there, they of course find themselves tumbling onto their wee behinds in the nonexistent attic, and this seems to be the final insult. The C.S.I. Piñata huffily snatches the shillelagh from Raige's hands, orders her never to bother them again, and rainbows on out of there with The Man From Another Place. "What's wrong with them?" Phoebe eyebrows. "I don't know," Raige admits, "but it's not good." It's never good, Raige. Nothing on this show is ever good, so knock it off with the pouting and the eye-rolls and the puckery lips of self-pity, you twitchy bastard.
For some inexplicable reason, the Glamorous Ladies continue the processing summit already in progress by exiting the attic and descending the stairs to the main hall. Piper, of course, has everything figured out -- Chrissssty and The Ultimate Retard, likely with the assistance of whomever's supposedly manipulating them, convinced the annoying little fuckers that...hey. Didn't we go through all of this shit three scenes ago? We did! Well, I'll be damned if I type it all out again. Go fuck yourself, Charmed. What is new is the Piper's realized that The Sisters Retard intend to turn the entire "magical community" against the Halliwells, thereby isolating them, thereby leaving them even more vulnerable to attack. Phoebe flees for The Hagquarters to make sure Stoop hasn't fallen for this bullshit plot point, while Piper heads up the stairs again to retrieve Phoebe's earlier list of Stoopid Magikal Kreatures. Raige, meanwhile, intends to confront the annoying little fuckers regarding the...whatever. CANCELLED!
Not!wartzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Snorf? Oh, yeah. This scene. Fugly Rufus summons The Triad to explicate the phase of his plan. Long story short, he intends to whammy the gals with diabolical distractions that have addled their puny brains in the past, rendering them unable to protect the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures when said Kreatures will need said protection the most. And how does he know which diabolical distractions to use? Maggot Neck's diary, of course, which he flares onto the palm of his hand, and as everything that follows from this runs roughshod over both continuity and common sense, I'll be getting through it as quickly as possible, okay? Okay. First up, the witch doctors. "That should work quite nicely on [Raige]," Fugly Rufus notes. The screen flares white to whip us over to...
...The United Colors Of Munchkinland. Raige orbs in and launches herself into an annoying-little-fucker-directed pep-talk regarding...whatever, when she's suddenly smacked up with the witch doctors' obsession voodoo. She immediately orbs off to find herself, leaving a trio of befuddled little fuckers in her wake.
Not!warts. Up ? The Seven Deadly Balls Of Sin. Specifically, The Deadly Sin Ball Of Lust, which means it's over to...
...The Hagquarters, where Phoebe takes the Ball right between the Fun Bags while Stoop's conveniently distracted. She hikes her tongue down his throat. Stoop, predictably enough, is rather pleased with this turn of events.
Not!warts. And finally? Grams's hexed wedding ring, which will lead us back to...
...the nonexistent attic, where Piper abuses the Book of Shadows until the ring in question materializes on her finger, just above her own wedding band. Piper notices it immediately and manages to gasp out an "Oh, crap!" before she morphs into her version of an Eisenhower-era hausfrau, which involves a blue gingham button-down blouse with a Peter Pan collar. And puffy sleeves. Also, for some stupid reason, her version of an Eisenhower-era hausfrau comes equipped with superspeed. Just go with it, because CANCELLED! Piper zips into a flaring white screen that knocks us back into...
...Not!warts, where Fugly Rufus and The Zombie Triad muah-ha-ha-ha their way into the commercial break.
The United Colors Of Munchkinland, where we find various nymrods, ogres, stupid fucking zombie fairy princesses, elves, satyrs, gnomes...you know what? Fuck this shit. I've always -- always -- hated the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures, so do me a favor: Wake me up when Fugly Rufus's henchdemons show up and start dusting their worthless asses, 'kay? By the way, The C.S.I. Piñata apparently has a manicure fetish. No, seriously. Little people. Go figure. Oh, and look at that! A Flaming Ball Of Death just blew The Man From Another Place halfway across the clearing! Hooray! The Kreature slaughter begins, and I have to believe the henchdemons are deliberately allowing a certain number of these dipshits to escape -- you know, in order to spread the word that The Charmed Ones are selfish bitches -- because the FBOD volleys are coming waaaaaay too slow, here. Best I can tell, because I'm not really paying attention (and it's a sad day in Casa Demian indeed when the gentleman of the house finds it impossible to enjoy the wholesale slaughter of Stoopid Magikal Kreatures, but that, alas, is what it has come to, thanks to this stupid, awful, stupid, evil show), the fireballs connect with an ogre, a few nymrods, that stupid fucking zombie fairy princess who'll probably regenerate in time for week's goddamned episode, and, most awesomely, The C.S.I. Piñata, who has so richly deserved death all evening if for no other reason than his horrendous Irish accent. The Man From Another Place freaks.
High atop the Golden Gate Bridge, Raige serenely meditates far above the traffic below, cross-legged upon a pillow of orbs. The Man From Another Place rainbows in and pleads for her help. Serene Raige frowns a bit and flaps her hand in The Man From Another Place's direction while calling out, "Bay!" In a horrifically rendered bit of CGI, we see The Man From Another Place zoom across the expanse of the bridge in a cluster of orbs until he drops into the water, far below. Unfortunately, he does not shatter every single goddamned bone in his tiny little body upon impact. As The Man From Another Place gasps to the surface and paddles around for a bit, the obsession voodoo releases its hold on Raige's brain -- likely, I believe, because she caused physical harm, but I wouldn't bet on that if I were you, as I doubt tonight's primary typewriting crackmonkey bothered to think it through. With the spell broken, Raige snaps out of her meditative mode and slams heavily onto the tower when her pillow of orbs disappears. She blinks a couple of times before blurting, "Uh oh."
The Hagquarters. An assy nymrod -- get this -- materializes out of Phoebe's goddamned ficus plant and starts screaming for help. Well, mewling for help, actually, because this is one hell of a wimpy nymrod. Phoebe ignores her, of course, for Phoebe is otherwise engaged, though given the amount of time that's passed, you'd think she'd have Stoop naked by now. As it is, they're just now collapsing onto the bed in The Hagquarters's boudoir, still fully clothed. This is, of course, a very good thing as far as Phoebe's bony ass is concerned, but please. You don't hire Victor Webster for a role like this and not have him take his clothes off at least once. Stupid Charmed ruins everything! And while I was going on about all that, a demon squiggled into The Hagquarters and whipped a Flaming Ball Of Death at the wimpy nymrod. I think she dodged it by vanishing into the ficus, but I'm sure as hell not rewinding to check. Phoebe races from her boudoir and gapes in dismay at her ruined houseplant. This is enough for the Ball Of Sin to release its hold on her Fun Bags -- likely, I believe, because she is a birdbrained bitch who cares more about The Hagquarters's décor than saving innocents. Phoebe blinks a couple of times before blurting, "Uh oh."
Manor Foyer. Die Überhausfrau futzes with a martini shaker as some asinine little fairy prince arrives with a tale of Stoopid Magikal Kreature slaughter and woe. Die Überhausfrau patiently listens to his story, then very politely tells him to go to hell. Hooray! A demon squiggles into the dining room and launches a Flaming Ball Of Death that instantly transforms the asinine little fairy prince into a cascade of cremains that settles onto the carpet at Die Überhausfrau's feet. "That's just awful!" Die Überhausfrau chides the demon before adding, "I just vacuumed there!" Piper then most awesomely retrieves the vacuum and efficiently dispenses with the asinine little fairy prince's ashy remains. Hee. And what does that say about this shitty, shitty episode when this little exercise in domestic fastidiousness is by far the most entertaining part of it? In any event, the demon squiggles away just as Grams's ring releases its hold on Piper's brain -- likely, I believe, because CANCELLED! Piper blinks a couple of times before blurting, "Uh oh."
Not!warts. The Man From Another Place cries out for help, so Maggot Neck, Chrissssty, and Fugly Rufus come running. "Demons!" The Man From Another Place howls. "They're attacking us all!" And this is a problem...how, exactly? "But where are the Charmed Ones?" Fugly Rufus ingenuously wonders. "Leaving us to die!" is The Man From Another Place's annoyed response. Again, not seeing a problem, here. The Ultimate Retard does, however -- like, shut up, Retard -- and vowssss, "We'll take care of that." More-Or-Less Openly Evil Chrissssty and her overly glossed lips shoot her sister A Look before everyone falls into the final commercial break.
Manor. Will this episode never end? Phoebe barges through the front door bellowing for her sisters, who soon join her in the main hall to process through recent events. "Who do you think did this to us?" blurts the egregiously dimwitted and oblivious Feebs. "The RETARD, you jackass!" comes Piper's reply, in so many words. "She's the only one who knows us well enough to use our past against us!" "Oooh, I'm gonna kill her," squints the Feebs. Piper just stares blankly at her brutally stupid hag of a sister before deadpanning, "Where ya been?" Heh. After a bit more babbling, The Manor Morons head up to the nonexistent attic to strategize.
Unfortunately, when they arrive, they find the nonexistent room positively swarming with the many Stoopid Magikal Kreatures who survived the recent demonic turkey shoot, led by the depressingly still viable Man From Another Place. Damn you, Charmed, for making me hate Michael J. Anderson! The Glam Gals start out all conciliatory, but that quickly goes nowhere when a smelly ogre man stomps up behind the Feebs, shouts, "You betrayed us!" and backhands her bony ass halfway across the nonexistent room. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. That was some good shit. Piper and Raige, of course, hasten to Phoebe's side to haul her back up onto her heels, and barely have they managed to do so when More-Or-Less Openly Evil Chrissssty and The Ultimate Retard push their way through the collected Kreatures to sneer...whatever. CANCELLED! After the maggoty-necked hissing is done, More-Or-Less Openly Evil Chrissssty thinks real hard for a moment and presently conjures a rapidly expanding ball of flame that Maggot Neck telekinetically redirects towards The Manor Morons. The ladies of the house, thinking quickly, dive for the Book of Shadows before Raige yanks them all upwards in a cloud of orbs. Alas, Raige's Whitelightery reflexes aren't what they used to be, and Chrissssty's billowing mass of pyrokinetic mojo slams hard into their orbs, propelling the cloud through the nonexistent room's front windows, which shatter outwards onto the lawn from the impact. D'oh!
The Underworld. Raige's orb cloud tumbles into Jondar's fumarole-littered lair -- like, way to recycle the sets without even trying to make them look different, Kern -- scattering the recoagulated Glamorous Ladies across the dirt along with the Book of Shadows. "How did we get here?" Phoebe heaves, pushing the Fun Bags up from the floor. "Dunno, I aimed for [Not!warts]," Raige sighs. "They must have...protected it...from US," she concludes, her bizarrely inappropriate phrasing intact despite her rough descent into Hell. "Wait," Phoebe cries, "so there's demons Up There, and we're stuck in the Underworld?" "We're the bad guys now," Piper notes with a shrug in her voice as she awkwardly struggles to her feet because Holly Marie Combs is, by now, twenty-six months pregnant. "How did that happen?" Mugs McGowan grimaces. "More importantly," Piper warns, "what are we gonna do now?" As she finishes her question, both she and her sisters find their ears assaulted by the suddenly audible disembodied mumblings of hundreds of the Underworld's finest. Piper eyes the smoky fumaroles for a moment before gritting out a meta-statement that describes this entire wasted hour: "Oh, this is bad. This is really bad." The camera skitters across the chamber to take in the gals from a low angle at the far side of the room, making them look impossibly small against the looming outcroppings of rock for a moment before the screen flares white one last time to batter us over to...
...Not!warts. Candor, Asmodeus, Fat Guy With The Stupid Earring, and Fugly Rufus cackle over the imminent demise of both The Manor Morons and The Sisters Retard before we finally, at long, long last, fade to black.
Well, that sucked.
week, Phoebe gets schmoopy and dies. Hooray! Two more left! Two more left! Unless that wicked cesspit of foulness Les Moonves decides at the last minute to renew this crap for the CW, as he did with the odious and loathsome 7th Heaven. And to think, only four short months ago I was practically planning our wedding reception. Damn you, Moonves!