The show opens with an establishing shot of some "Happy Birthday" decorations and some of the ugliest baby caterwauling I have ever heard. And I have lots of friends who have babies, so I've heard a great deal. Unfortunately. The caterwauling is a cross between grunting, yelling, and crying, and given how non-verbal it was, I assumed it was Tiny Gay Chris -- you know, the one who isn't SUPPOSED to be talking -- and we were celebrating HIS birthday. But noooo to both. Piper rushes into the room asking, "Oh, no, sweetie, what are you doing? That's not funny -- what are you doing? What are you doing?" The Dead-Eyed Psycho seems to have taken a bowl of chips and dumped the contents on a table right to Crusty Ted. Maybe he was thinking of impaling Crusty Ted with shards of potato chips, in order to get some info out of him about Crusty Ted's twin, the exceedingly creepy Snuggle Bear. What a brat. Piper tries to quickly clean up the chips while telling her unnaturally silent psycho of a son that making such a mess isn't funny. The Psycho immediately orbs the empty bowl onto his head and oozes out a smile. Damn, that kid is creepier than shit when he grins! Piper asks the Psycho if he wants a time-out on his birthday, and takes the bowl off his head. The Psycho, making a play for sympathy, grabs at Crusty Ted and whimpers wordlessly. Piper understands that the Psycho is upset. "But Mommy's here," she reminds him, and gives him a hug. Over Piper's shoulder, the Psycho stares down the cameraman, who better watch his back from now on. Piper sends the Psycho off to brutalize his toys while she cleans up his mess. The blasting cacophony of an incoming orb doesn't make Piper look up -- I guess she assumes it's just Raige -- but a male voice saying, "It isn't easy, is it?" makes Piper whip around to behold a rather shabby, very Berkeleyish, but still Ever Useless Elder. I swear I've bought hemp bracelets from that guy's cart on Telegraph.
Hippie Elder flaps his arms a bit and apologizes for not knocking before he orbed. Remember when Cole knocked before he smeared? That still cracks me up. Piper warily stands up and asks if Hippie Elder knows anything about the Dolt. Hippie Elder stilts out that he knows no more than she, but promises that the deal she made with the Angel of Destiny will be honored. Piper asks if Hippie Elder knows anything about the force they're supposed to encounter and defeat. "If I knew, I'd tell you Piper," Hippie Elder says. Seriously, what is up with this guy's goofy delivery? It's like he's Kern's uncle who promised to give his twerpy nephew his dust-jacketed collection of vintage Jugs magazines in exchange for a small and pointless speaking part on the show before it dies. Hippie Elder remains ever useless by reminding Piper that she's suppose to figure it out on her own. Piper's having none of it, and after a few more unhelpful platitudes from Hippie Elder and even more glares from Piper, Hippie Elder tells Piper that the Psycho "is a good kid, he's just acting out." At that moment the Psycho orbs a handy -- probably cyanide-laced -- birthday cake smack into Hippie Elder's face. The Psycho laughs gleefully at Hippie Elder's impending horrible and agonizingly painful death, and Piper smothers a laugh, repeating, "He's a good boy!" Hippie Elder stares through the blue frosting and nods.Travelogue! With Depeche Mode! Okay, been there, eaten there, driven there, peed there, worked there, slept there! I was hoping for a shot of the Painted Ladies on Alamo Square Park, so I could tell you where I lived, but I guess this isn't Full House. Oh, but I should pay attention to the words of the song: "Angels with silver wings / Shouldn't know suffering / I wish I could take the pain for you / If God has a master plan that only He understands / I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through / Things get damaged / Things get broken / I thought we'd manage / But words left unspoken / Left us so brittle / There was so little left to give." I guess that sort of applies, not to this precise episode, but to the fact that the Dolt is pushing up ice cubes. Although, if they wanted to go all Dolt-centric with the Depeche Mode, couldn't they have used my ultimate favorite, "I'll Stop the World and Melt with You"? Am I going to hell for that?
Back at the manor, the Retard follows in Raige's footsteps and tortures a demon in a Mystical Crystical circle. Between bouts of electrocution, the Retard demands to know to whom the symbol in the Milk Carton's diary belongs. The demon, who helpfully offers that he's a Possessor Demon, growls that he doesn't know. The Retard sucks in her cheeks snappishly and electrocutes some more. You know, considering past wardrobe malfunctions, what she's wearing tonight isn't that bad. HOWEVER, personally, I just can't get behind thick white satin in the daylight hours. Especially if that thick white satin is a shirt that looks like it was made from the top half of my grandmother's nightgown, circa 1954. I mean, Grandma was a fashion plate, literally. She was a model for MGM and in The Women, Dracula, and one of the Ziegfeld Follies movies, so her closet kind of had it going on, but I still wouldn't wear her decapitated nightgown around town. Also, I wouldn't go out of my way to perfectly match my seven-inches-deep eye shadow to my white satin top, RETARD! It's like you don't know where her shiny face leaves off and her equally shiny top begins. The Retard calls the demon "Rohtul," but it sounds so much like "Road Tool" that I'm really tempted to go with that; however, "Lester the Possessor" is making me giggle much more. The Retard reminds the demon and the viewing public of her Milk Carton crusade before electrocuting him some more. Clutching a balloon, Piper barges in, demanding to know why the hell she's torturing demons when the Psycho's birthday party is going on downstairs. Knowing the Psycho, torture would be far more entertaining than Pin the Tail on the Donkey, even if, in the Psycho's case, it actually managed to be a real donkey and a real pin. Speaking of the Psycho's live pincushions, anyone seen Tiny Gay Chris lately? The Retard babbles some excuses, but Piper's having none of it and, in the meantime, Lester the Possessor smears out. And he was able to do that because the Retard not only removed one of the Mystical Crysticals but she also TURNED HER BACK ON LESTER THE POSSESSOR! What an idiot. The Retard huffs over to the Book of Shadows, but Piper blocks her, which makes the Retard whine nasally that she can't wait until after the party to continue on her demonic rampage. Piper tells the Retard she's obsessed with revenge. Just like every single one of the sisters -- dead and alive -- has been at some point in this show. The Retard denies this and stomps hunchbackedly out of the attic. In her frustration, Piper lets the balloon raspberry out its air. A fitting response to anything the Retard says or does on this show.Piper dashes downstairs, but again loses control of her re-inflated balloon when she runs into Phoebe. If that balloon were red instead of blue, we could read some serious shit into it. Phoebe yodels and hands the completely deflated balloon back to the completely deflated Piper, who thinks she should just cancel the party because the gods and balloons are against her. Phoebe tries to soothe Piper with some of that hiddy baby talk that always makes me want to dig around in my ear canal with a rusty awl. Phoebe assures Piper that the Psycho needs the party for some semblance of normalcy. Piper knows, but thinks she's just forcing it on him, adding, "But I think there's something else, too -- something big, and I just wish I could talk to him before, you know, he turns the party guests into toads." I think the "something big" is that you have a three-year-old who has shown absolutely no signs of talking. It's like what they say about all serial killers: "He was quiet and he kept to himself." Phoebe offers that the Psycho might be willing to talk to her. "Okay, but you know, he is three," Piper reminds her. I think she's trying to subtly tell her sister that flashing her Cooter Tat or the Fun Bags isn't going to get her anywhere in this particular conversation. Luckily, for tonight's episode, both the Cooter Tat and the Fun Bags seem to have been put into storage. Phoebe's wearing a perfectly demure (for her) chocolate brown tank thing with gathered silver straps locking her dinners in place. Oddly, one side of the straps is decorated with trailing silver ribbons. It's Phoebe's festive tank. She's also wearing rust culottes with high-heeled boots -- another fashion I can't get behind since it reminds me of Dorothy Michael's fashion shoot montage.
Up in Not!warts, various minor demons ask Lester the Possessor what's on the demonic agenda, and bitch about sitting around while the Retard kills them off. "What would you have us do, attack? She's working with the Charmed Ones," a spiked-collared demon with rather unfortunate jug ears bitchily points out. We learn that the Milk Carton was abducted by "very powerful demons" who don't wish to be revealed. These minor demons don't seem to know where the Milk Carton is being sequestered, but one of them knows which demons did the abducting, and warns that none of them want to go up against that group. Jug Head butts in, "That doesn't solve our problem, [the Retard] must die." I don't think this is the first time I've been wholeheartedly behind the demons on this show. Even if they are ridiculously dull in this episode. They discuss who should risk taking the Retard out, and Lester the Possessor volunteers himself. Another demon steps out of the shadows. "Follow her," Lester the Possessor orders him, "find her weakness." That would be her chin. Lester the Possessor grins grimly as his minion smears out. The Retard arrives at a bank. We know it's a bank because the building plainly says: "BANK." Sort of like my favorite Demianism, "the Mausoleum's Mausoleum." I can't tell you how long I snorted over that one while riding the bus to work. Inside the BANK, we hear Henry explaining, "And he starts working for Anderson Aviation on Monday, he'll be training pilots. It's a great job, yeah. More than enough to make those payments." Ah, Ivan, remember when you were on a little show called Jack and Jill? I seem to recall Sars posting in the MBTV forums that you were "hotter than the damn sun." Can't say I disagree. Henry and some pathetic parolee in a wipeable blue blazer sit pleadingly in front of a loan officer. "Yes, Nick flew helicopters in the war," Raige affirms, as we pan over to see her sitting severely upright in her chair in a filmy black shirt, which just seems a tad too formal for this sort of occasion. Although at least she gets that something about these proceedings should be formal. I mean, would it have hurt Henry to ditch the dusty-looking leather jacket he wears to hunt down parole-jumpers and put on a suit for his parolee? And as for Mr. Product-Placed Iraqi Vet, how about some dress blues? Or even khakis? I'm just saying, a uniform could go a lot further than wearing a checkered button-down under a poly-blend jacket that looks like it was forced on you in a stuffy "jacket required" restaurant. "Right," bald loan officer says, "and this was before he went to prison, correct?" "That's correct, sir," Product-Placed Iraqi Vet says, finally speaking on his own behalf, "but it was only for a year, and it wasn't for anything really bad." Henry explains that Product-Placed Iraqi Vet just needs to get some cash together so he and his son can move to a better area of the city. A better area of the city? Haven't they heard that EVERY neighborhood in San Francisco is "up and coming"? Both Henry and Raige are there to vouch for him. "And who are you again?" Loan Officer asks. Raige is a friend and someone who believes in "second chances." Oh, barf. If that gets him the loan, I'm not ever recapping this show again. Oh, wait... "Especially," Raige adds, "For those who served our country." Oh, BAAAAAARF! I mean, I get the whole respect for the troops and shit, and I do respect them. I respect them for doing a job I probably wouldn't be able to do. I respect them because both my father and father-in-law served in Vietnam. I don't, however, currently respect their commanding officers or their Commander-in-Chief. Nor do I particularly like having this "these colors don't run" BULLSHIT crammed down my throat on a network that tells me a "fresh" episode is "JUST MOMENTS AWAY!" ["Actually, this is fairly inoffensive, comparatively speaking." -- Sars] Loan Officer agrees with Raige and toddles off to run a credit check. Product-Placed Iraqi Vet whimpers that no one is going to loan money to an ex-con. Henry and Raige proceed to fluff the unfortunately-dressed man. At this exact moment, the Retard comes barreling in to complain about her small little life. Hey, bitch? Did you serve in Iraq? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP! I know that was an unfair question, but I just hate her maggoty, segmented, vacuum tube neck so much. Back at the Manor, Phoebe attempts to baby-talk through the Psycho's bloodlust, but he's more interested in "playing" with his G.I. Joe action figure. The Psycho and the rest of us ignore Phoebe as she talks about how sad everyone is that the Dolt is currently being shelved to Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks in the Angel of Destiny's freezer. Finally, Phoebe takes Crusty Ted, whose eyes are freakishly close together, and pretends to talk with him. Psycho makes a grab for the bear, but Phoebe prizes G.I. Joke from the Psycho's sticky little hands and casts a spell over Crusty Ted.
Little boy's bear
Show me how you care
Tell me how you'd feel
If you were real
Scary orange light flows out of Crusty Ted's face and mother of god, he blinks! And then he talks! I want an exorcism for my television. In a weird baby voice, Crusty Ted tells us that he's so sad, he wants to cry all the time. Someone shove some Zoloft down his stuffed throat. "No, why are you sad, Bear?" Phoebe wants to know. The Psycho's bored with these bloodless Sesame Street fumblings and looks over at his toy G.I. Joke, Indian in the Cupboard, and Billy the Kidd. He blinks, and G.I. Joke, Indian, and Billy flare up into the Village People. Oh my awesome, the Psycho just invited THE VILLAGE PEOPLE to his birthday party! Hey, Piper? You still think you're getting grandchildren out of this one? The Psycho twists his blood-red mouth up into a smile at his Village People as Phoebe gasps at the Psycho's Real Dolls, "How did you do that?!" G.I. Joke offers his hand, and instead of biting it off and leaving a bloody stump, the Psycho takes the hand and stands up. Phoebe whimpers as the doorbell rings. The Psycho gives his Village People a thumbs-up, which is code for, "Bring me my guests heads on a platter, marinated in their own lymph nodes."
Downstairs, Piper lets in all manner of sticky rugrats and their parents and starts bellowing for Phoebe.
At the BANK, Raige tells the Retard to chill, after which the loan officer tells Product-Placed Iraqi Vet that his loan has been declined. "You know what? This is a bunch of bull," Product-Placed Iraqi Vet announces. "Why don't you come right out and say it?" Henry tries to get him to calm down, but alas, Product-Placed Iraqi Vet will not be consoled. He yells about being a dumped-on Product-Placed Iraqi Vet, which...it's not Vietnam, dude. I mean, yes, all manner of crap and horrors is going on over there, but you're not getting spit on the way the Vietnam vets were. You're living in an entirely different political climate where those who don't support the war are the ones who feel threatened by the flag-chewing, Bush-licking, stupid big-ass car-ribbon-sticking general public. Fuck you, Kern, for even trying to make a comparison with how the Vietnam vets were treated -- you dishonor them with your piss-poor little show. And I totally didn't mean to sound like a Klingon there -- I'm just so mad! Product-Placed Iraqi Vet yells some more and won't listen to anyone as he hissyfits out of the BANK. The Retard watches him go and you just KNOW she's thinking, "Okay, back to me now!" Raige pleads with Loan Officer for an exception, just this once. "There's nothing I can do -- he's a criminal," Loan Officer explains. "Hey, he's not a criminal -- he's a VETERAN. Jerk!" Henry retorts. Well, technically, Henry, he is a criminal also. I mean, if he weren't? You wouldn't be there. Raige pulls Henry away from Loan Officer. While Henry babbles on about Product-Placed Iraqi Vet not being able to catch a break at any other bank, we hear tires squealing. The Retard idly looks out the doors and sees a Volvo (a VOLVO?) barreling towards them. She squeals at Raige to look out. Raige mugs in confusion, and Henry yanks her to the ground. I'm surprised she didn't reflexively orb. After the glass stops falling, Product-Placed Iraqi Vet, sans crappy jacket, gets out of the car and waves a gun around. Who in San Francisco would sell a gun to an ex-con? The bank alarm goes off. "Now, about that loan," Product-Placed Iraqi Vet begins.Chaos of the normal birthday party kind screams over at the Manor. Man, all those kids, all that noise, all those streamers? Yeah, I don't think I can ever have kids. Two cats are more than enough for us. Some blonde in a white cropped jean jacket over a blue tee-shirt that is belted with a...silver medallion link belt? who clearly thinks she's in San Diego rather than San Francisco, asks after the birthday boy. Instead of telling her that he's upstairs mauling a few of the other children, Piper shrieks, "PHOEBE!" Phoebe and the Psycho descend the steps, and everyone applauds the grinning freak. Yeah, they applaud because they're scared of what will happen to them if they don't. It's like that cartoon-obsessed kid in Twilight Zone: The Movie. Better watch out, Phoebe, or the Psycho might erase your mouth! Wouldn't I love that, though? Phoebe nervously shakes some packages under Piper's inquisitive stare and queries about where she's been. Ignoring this, Phoebe thinks that the party is such a success that they should think about wrapping it up. Piper gets suspicious, but is distracted by an arrow plowing through her living room to wedge itself in the antique woodwork. The San Diego blonde screams her pneumatic head off while the Psycho's Village People make a big ruckus. Phoebe tries to pretend they are hired performers for the party. Right. Because no San Francisco mother would have a problem with a performer waving a gun around at a three-year-old's birthday party. Even more, I think the Berkeley mothers would have a bigger problem with the Cigar Store Indian performing at a party. The Indian pidgins something about going back on a word and breaking a promise. Billy the Kidd counters that it's not his fault, it's the Indian's fault. Before they start actually playing Cowboys and Indians, Phoebe tries to calm them down. Piper bugs her eyes around at the guests, but whips back around to face the staircase as a bellowing G.I. Joke tramps down. "All right, troops," G.I. Joke shouts, "we got some re-CON to do!" Was it totally inappropriate for me to lose it when G.I. Joke gives his belt a particularly violent hike as he says, "re-CON"? The kids and parents appear to be delighted. Phoebe hides behind balloons as Piper yowls that she's in BIG TROUBLE.
Over at the BANK, squad cars peel up and officers point guns at the BANK. Given how many pedestrians they haven't police-lined away, I'm hoping none of the cops has a shaky trigger finger. Meanwhile, Lester the Possessor's minion tries to blend in with the gathering crowd. Given that he seems to be the only black guy around, he's not doing that good of a job. Inside the BANK, the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet does the usual scream-ordering of hostages to one place or another. Henry tries to talk the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet down, but he won't be talked down. "What other choice do I have?" Oh, man, I have this huge rant about that expression or its variants in one of my Enterprise recaps, but I can't be bothered to find it. Just know that I hate that crap. You ALWAYS have another choice. After making all his hostages pile their personal belongings in the center of the lobby, the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet orders Loan Officer to "get a bag and fill it with cash -- a lot of cash -- and bring it back. You got it? DO IT!" Loan Officer scampers off. "I'll get that loan one way or another," the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet. Yes, but now it's…not really a loan any more. I mean, you're stealing, so I don't think you have to worry about interest rates or anything. The Retard whispers to Raige that she can't believe this is happening. Raige rightfully points out that it wouldn't be happening to her if she wasn't so obsessed with the Milk Carton. Raige also won't use magic because there are security cameras around. Can't she just orb the security tapes elsewhere? Or their batteries? Wait, no, just orb the electricity from the main power to the building -- San Francisco has power failures all the time! She could orb the electricity to some poor family who can't pay their bills! And if that sounds ridiculously farfetched, you clearly haven't been paying enough attention to this show. Henry comes over and whispers that he's never seen the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet like this, and the excitable NYPD Blue camera starts to make me nauseous. Henry can't talk to the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet, but adds, "The only one he'll listen to right now is his son. IF ONLY WE COULD FIND SOMEONE WHO COULD BRING HIS SON HERE." Emphasis mine. Anvil? The show's. Raige raises her hand and says she has to go to the bathroom. After the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet ascertains that there are no windows in the bathroom, he lets Raige go, who promises, "No tricks, just the bathroom." That could be read in a whole 'nother gross way, but there's not enough wine in my house to get me to figure it out. More needless threatening of the hostages by the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet. In the bathroom, Raige orbs out.
Back at the Manor, G.I. Joke, who really belongs in a Beetle Bailey cartoon, leads the kids on maneuvers. It's kind of cute how he crouches down, tells one kid to tie his shoes because "[he's] better'n that," and leads them from the punch bowl to the balloons. But this is all still done with a gun that I don't think is birthday-party-appropriate. I'm not exactly sure what happens but I think they are ambushed by both the Cowboy and the Indian and everyone runs and screams. Phoebe giggles. Ten bucks says she sleeps with G.I. Joke by the end of the episode. Piper is not amused: "This is not a good time, this is chaos." "Okay, but you gotta admit, the army guy is kinda cute," Phoebe says. Give me my ten bucks. Also? I preemptively agreed with Phoebe. Please kill me. Piper tells her to forget it because G.I. Joke isn't anatomically correct. Ew. What does he have down there? A Ken blank? By the way, I love how Piper automatically assumes (like the rest of us) that when Phoebe expresses slight interest in the opposite sex, it means she wants to get into their camouflage pants. Piper wants Phoebe to fix the Village People, but Phoebe can't because the Psycho's the one who cast the spell. Piper's blaming Phoebe for putting the idea in to his head. "I was just playing with the dolls with him to try to make him to open up about his emotions -- that's all," Phoebe argues. time, try voodoo dolls. You might have better luck if you speak the Psycho's language. Raige hisses at them from the landing and tells them she has a 911. Upstairs, Raige explains the situation and asks them to bring the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's son down to the BANK. She tells them to call the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's work to find out how to locate the son. She also wants them to put a call into Agent Murphy and have him tell the S.W.A.T. team "not to get trigger-happy," because she doesn't want Product-Placed Iraqi Vet to get killed. "Tell [the Psycho] I said 'Happy birthday,' okay?" Raige pleads before orbing out. Piper's glad the Dolt is too busy playing hide-and-seek with some freezer-burned Pudding Pops to see this.
At the BANK, more threats from the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet. I'm so bored by him, I'd love it if the S.W.A.T. team got trigger-happy. He bangs on the bathroom door and hollers at Raige. I don't think she's going to help him get any more loans if he forces her to pinch off a loaf prematurely. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet kicks the door in, and Raige storms out, crabbing something about privacy. I hope she lit a match. While the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet bellows at Loan Officer to hurry up with his cash packing, some random hostage eyes a gun that is barely concealed in a beige backpack. Gesturing at some makeup and pens spilling from the hostages' pooled purses and things, Raige whisper-questions the Retard as to whether she thinks she can make a potion. The Retard thought she didn't want to use magic, but Raige thinks it might not look like magic since they aren't magical ingredients. So instead of a Vanishing Potion, it will be a Vanishing Cream Potion? I don't get it. The Retard grabs at some stuff as the police megaphone that they want to talk to the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet on the phone. Outside, some head cop (I don't pretend to know anything about police ranking) holds a cell phone to his ear while an underling dresses him in a bulletproof vest. The Lester the Possessor's Minion continues to look passively on. Back inside, the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet finally answers the phone and says he wants a helicopter and clear airspace in twenty minutes. Lt. Sanchez -- the head cop -- says he can't authorize that. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet makes with the threats some more. Sanchez tries to talk to him, but gets interrupted by one of his men bringing over another phone with Homeland Security on the line. Annoyed, Sanchez takes the cell phone, makes faces, gets annoyed, but finally agrees to what they're saying. I find it hysterical that he agrees by saying, "Very well." Does anyone say "very well" except in plays or on television? I can certainly attest that I've never said it. Sanchez tells the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet that he's got his chopper. What about his free airspace?
Back inside the BANK, the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet puts down the phone and tells his hostages that he'll be out of there in twenty minutes. Henry's confused, because the cops never give in that quickly. Raige shrugs, "Maybe they're hoping someone will talk him down." Let's check in with the Retard, shall we? She's messing around with Coty face powder and a pack of cigarettes. Is she trying to conjure Rita Hayworth? At the Manor, Phoebe and Piper watch the news where we all get to learn that the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet is a "decorated ex-Marine," but we still don't know what his jail time was for. Piper doesn't think they should call the Ever Useless Elders because it's not a magical problem, but she also doesn't want to call the party off since this is the most fun the Psycho has had since he slaughtered that horse. They go back downstairs, where the Village People are interrogating guests about the Dolt. Did you hear that? It's that loon call from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly! It's also the beginning of Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer," I believe. Piper freaks that "We don't point weapons at the guests!" Question: Why didn't they take the weapons AWAY from the Psycho's Village People, like, a long time ago? "Wow, do these guys know how to put on a show or what?" Phoebe goofs. There's a small bang, and G.I. Joke hollers at everyone to take cover. The kids cover their heads as they imitate an earthquake drill. Piper calms everyone down and reports it was just a balloon. "All right, folks, as you were," G.I. Joke announces, a bit chastened. Piper says she's going to go, and tells Phoebe to stay with the Psycho, "and make sure he turns Pinocchio back into wood." I think wood is exactly what Phoebe was hoping for. Damn, this show puts me in a dirty place! Phoebe watches the Billy the Kidd promise the Psycho that they "ain't gonna give up unteel [they] find heem." The Psycho nods wordlessly. SPEAK, DAMMIT!
At the BANK, the Retard stirs her mixture of broken cigarettes and face powder with an emery board, and Raige convinces Henry to try and talk to the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet again. As Henry goes on and on about the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's son, the random hostage continues to eye the backpacked gun. Question: Who carries a gun in a backpack unless they too were planning on robbing a bank? It's just seems to be a very inconvenient place for it. "Wait, excuse me while I take off my backpack, put it on the ground, turn it around, unzip the large pocket, wait, no, it's in another pocket. Yeah, there we are. NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP, MOTHERFUCKER!" I don't think so. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet whimpers about being treated like a pariah since he got back, and since I'm already pissed about that little issue (see rant), we'll be moving on to where the random hostage goes for the backpack gun. Raige yells, and in slo-mo, Henry tackles the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet before he can fire at the random hostage, who actually managed to fire first. Everyone screams and hits the floor except for Loan Officer, who comically covers his mouth and does a little pee-pee dance.
Outside, Sanchez orders everyone to hold their fire. Lester the Possessor's minion still seems to be biding his boring old time.Inside, Raige goes ballistic (heh) on the random hostage and kicks the gun out of his hand. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet demands to know who the random hostage is. Random hostage is apparently a cop. ["Of course. I love how, in the movies and on TV, there's always an off-duty police officer in the bank. Haven't these dudes heard of direct deposit?" -- Sars] The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet is not happy to hear this and shoves him against the wall, while screaming at everyone to stay calm. He might even call them "suckers." Raige dashes over to Henry, who bleeds us into the commercial break.
Not!warts. Boring demons blathering about their master plan to get Raige and the Retard to choose between exposing their magic and saving an innocent. One of the demons points out that another demon just explained the Public Displays of Magic pact that both baddies and goodies signed. Lester the Possessor seems to think that they can expose Raige and the Retard without exposing themselves. But isn't the point of the PDM pact is that if one is exposed, the other one automatically is exposed as well? I don't get it. Lester the Possessor blathers something about revenge having many faces, and sends his minion back to the BANK.
Lots of sharpshooters take their positions as Sanchez tries to call the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet. He checks up on his team and looks at a tap of the BANK's surveillance feed. "If that hostage dies, I'm done negotiating," Sanchez mutters. Piper suddenly -- not magically suddenly, just suddenly -- appears with the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's son. She thinks he can help.
As Raige applies pressure to Henry's wound, Henry gasps that Raige has to talk to the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet. Raige agrees just as the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet comes to ask how Henry is. Raige snits that he needs a doctor, and further snits that he can't wait for the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's escape chopper to arrive. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet reminds Raige that he didn't shoot Henry. "Right, you're the one who needs to be SHOT!" Raige bursts. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's face tightens. Raige apologizes and reminds the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet that Henry's been there for him all the way. She pleads with him to let Henry go to a hospital. The BANK's phone rings, and Sanchez megaphones that it's the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's son. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet picks up and asks his kid how he's doing. Well, his dad's holding up a bank and now has about a million guns pointed at him -- how the HELL do you think he's doing? Raige checks in with the Retard -- wait, WHO is applying the necessary pressure to Henry's wound? -- and tells her if worse comes to worst, she's going to orb Henry out because she can't let him die. The Retard purses her lips and says she doesn't even know if the potion is going to work. Raige entreats her to concentrate.
Manor. The Psycho's Village People burst into the attic and tell Phoebe that they're looking for "Great White Father." I don't know why, but that just made me think of "Dolt: The other white meat." The Dolt isn't to be found in the attic, so the Dead-Eyed Psycho's Village People move to investigate the basement. Phoebe questions the Psycho's Village People and slowly comes to the conclusion that the Village People blame themselves as well as the Dolt for the Dolt's disappearance into frozen food sections unknown. When the Village People continue to refer to themselves as "we," a dim, flickering, dusty light bulb goes on over Phoebe's head. She realizes that the Village People aren't the Psycho's Real Dolls, they're also the Psycho. That's just too existential for me. BANK. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet tells his son he loves him and hangs up, telling all and sundry that he never wanted to hurt anyone but he was sick of never catching a break. Raige pleads with him to stand down. There are several "tense" seconds as the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet looks at the gun in his hand as though he's about to hand it over. However, something demonic and possessing surges up his neck veins and into his eyes. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet gets all calm and evil-voiced and says he still has a score to settle. Raige and the Retard look wary.
After the commercial break, the Possessed Product-Placed Iraqi Vet goes off about not keeping things quiet because he wants the whole world to know what Raige and the Retard are. The PPPIV reminds the Retard who he is and taunts them with the fact that they will have to use their powers to save Henry. He explains that he's doing this to get revenge on the Retard for the havoc she was wreaking on the Underworld. But isn't there something about "eye for an eye makes me care even less"? Basically, I'm thrilled that their current predicament is All the Retard's Fault. Because she's an idiot. Henry gasps for Raige. I'm assuming that we're supposed to believe he can't hear them? Raige crouches by his side and tries to calm Henry down, who doesn't understand why it looked as though the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet was about to stand down. The Retard gets all whiny with blaming herself for their current predicament. Raige assures her that the PPPIV isn't the only one who wants revenge. The Retard doesn't get it, even when Raige tells her they need to give the PPPIV exactly what he wants, which is the Retard. Instead of explaining, Raige tells the Retard to finish the potion. A helicopter arrives in front of the BANK and the S.W.A.T. team clears out. On the phone, Sanchez argues with the PPPIV about the fact that he's no longer ready to take off. He very politely asks Sanchez for another twenty minutes to think it all out, and hangs up.
Outside, Sanchez grumbles that it's just like the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet is a completely different person all of a sudden. Of course, Piper is standing right there and overhears all of this, so she goes into the van with the hacked security camera feed. She sees Raige pointedly sweep her hand up and down over her face.
Back at the Manor, Phoebe bids all the sticky guests farewell. The San Diego Blonde is loud in her thanks for such a wonderful party just as Piper walks in, all business. The San Diego Blonde comments hyperly that Piper missed most of the party. "Yeah, I know, but what are you gonna do?" Piper responds. I totally giggled at that. After the San Diego Blonde is finally booted out, Piper explains to Phoebe that she thinks Lester the Possessor is controlling the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet, and that Raige is going to need their help. They both look over at the Psycho, who is sitting on G.I. Joke's knee and playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with the Cowboy. Huh. So, that's how the West was won. Piper wonders if the Psycho is safe with them. "More than you know," Phoebe promises. More than you know, honey. If any of those guys gets freaky, the Psycho will open his bloody maw and eat their faces. Piper and Phoebe leave the Psycho to play with himself while they deal with Raige's problem.Back at the BANK, the Retard continues with her potion making while Raige pleads with Henry to hang on. The PPPIV taunts Raige a bit about orbing Henry out. "Shaddup!" Raige orders him. The PPPIV goes on that Raige will never be able to forgive herself if Henry dies. Raige rubs at Henry and then a golden light emits from her hands. The PPPIV is all pissed. Raige is all shocked. The fans are all, "FINALLY! God." Henry coughs himself awake. The PPPIV looks around to see if anyone else caught that. They didn't. Henry wonders if he's dead. Raige tells him he's alive, and notes a small mark of blood on his shirt. So, she hasn't quite got the hang of the healing hands yet, which is handy in this situation, since it would be questionable if Henry walked out with no wound and no bullet. Given that he was shot from behind, it could make sense that there was no hole in his shirt. However, for there to even be blood on the front of his shirt implies that the bullet went straight through him; therefore the shirt should be as torn up as the exit wound. …Yeah, that's five minutes of figuring stuff out that I'll never get back. The PPPIV is pretty pissed. Raige walks over to the Retard and takes her hand while the PPPIV threatens to take Henry out right then and there. He orders them to stop him or else Henry dies. At Raige's cue, the Retard throws down her Coty powder, which explodes and sends up a smokescreen. There's a quick orb as Henry and the PPPIV cough and squint, but as the powder clears, Raige and the Retard are back. The PPPIV demands to know what they did, but when they are silent, he yanks the Retard toward him and takes her out of the BANK with him. Henry stands up and gasps. Raige (or is it?!) tells him the Retard (or IS it?!) knows what she's doing.
Outside, the PPPIV makes with the threats on the Retaige's life if anyone gets near, and we hear that the snipers can't get a clean shot on the PPPIV. The Retaige and the PPPIV get into the helicopter and take off. This is where the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's flight experience in Iraq comes in handy, I suppose.
BANK. Henry is put on a gurney, even though he argues he's all good. The paramedics remind him that he was shot in the stomach. Wait, he was? Well, that blows my non-theory all to hell. But still, no ripped shirt. Gonna get suspicious! "I know this sounds crazy, I feel fine," Henry pleads. At the very least he might need a blood transfusion, right? I mean, I get the healing part, but does healing also replenish blood loss? The paramedic tells Henry that he's very lucky since the bullet missed every major organ. Henry asks Ratard if there's any word from the Retaige. For some reason, Rose McGowan decided that getting laryngitis was the best way to imitate Cuoco, so she rasps her way through her lines about the helicopter being found in Harding Park with no sign of the Retaige or the PPPIV. Henry notes that she's not worried. "Well, you don't know [the Retaige] like I do, she's a pretty savvy girl," Ratard Billie Goat Gruffs, "she'll be all right. I hope." Henry "mm-hmms" a few times before Ratard tries to take off to call Piper and let her know what's going on. Henry tells Ratard that she was all he could think about. Rose McGowan does do a good job of imitating Cuoco here with the widened eyes and the exaggerated gasps before talking. Ratard responds to Henry's melting look and words with, "Oh! Okay! Uh, well, I'll see you soon, Henry!" She leaves.Piper and Phoebe make a potion. Ratard calls in to say "they" should be there any second. Piper confirms that it is indeed Lester the Possessor since that's who they're making the potion for. Ratard is certain and tells them she'll be there soon.
Not!warts. The PPPIV throws the Retaige to the floor and taunts her lack of Charmed protection. He also tells her she's never going to find the Milk Carton after all. The PPPIV tells the lesser demons to have at the Retaige, and a few raise and launch energy balls. "Energy balls!" the Retaige cries out and slams them back at the demons, who are then vanquished. "Surprise!" she perks, and grabs the PPPIV's ankle. They orb out...
...into the attic. The Retaige rolls away, and Piper and Phoebe throw potions at the PPPIV, who turns his head and coughs. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet rolls his eyes back and falls to the floor as Lester the Possessor is forced out of him. "How? But you can't orb!" Lester the Possessor growls. "No, but [Raige] can," the Retaige says, and deglamours into Raige. I swear, the glamour crap on this show is like the transporter malfunction of Star Trek. Piper explains that Raige and the Retard switched identities during the Coty bomb. "Talkin' about me?" the Retard says, clomping in and picking up a potion. "This one?" "Sure," Piper says. Lester the Possessor makes to smear out, but Piper flaps her Hands of Discontent at him. He falls back on an antique divan that hasn't yet been destroyed as the Retard steps forward. "So, uh, where were we?" the Retard lisps. She flings the potion and vanquishes Lester the Possessor's ass. The Retard turns back to the sisters and apologizes for how far her obsession took her, but she wants to get the Milk Carton back before someone turns it into a window box garden. Piper understands her plight, because she wants to get the Dolt back before someone defrosts him for dinner. "But that doesn't mean I run around half-cocked all the time to do it," Piper finishes. The Retard has learned her lesson about vengeance, and says all she wants to do is bring her Milk Carton back before her expiration date. Phoebe wonders what to do with the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet. Oh, throw him a parade. It's what he wants. Raige thinks all they can do is orb the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet and the Retard back to the park and have the Retard call for help. They all brush the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's inevitable return to prison aside, as the Retard asks how Henry made such a miraculous recovery. "Well, I don't really think we need to discuss that now," Raige squints. Piper demands to know what happened. "Well, I think that [Raige] healed him," the Retard announces. "By yourself?" Piper wonders. Raige insists it's not a big deal. "Well, it makes sense, you are half Whitelighter," Phoebe blasés. This is the second week in a ROW that Phoebe has been all "Whatever" about someone getting a new power. She's just jealous that her Fucking Backup Band split up and that she's (hopefully) permanently grounded. Piper insists that something "pretty extreme" must have happened for Raige to effect a heal: "What were you feeling?" "Love, maybe?" the Retard wonders. "Don't make me sorry that I saved you," Raige overmugs. Hey, I'm already sorry -- does that count?
Manor at night. Piper explains to the Psycho that the Dolt is very brave and that what he is doing now is also brave. She needs the Psycho to know that what is going on is not his fault and it's not the Dolt's fault and it's not anyone's fault. Yeah, tell the Angel of Destiny that when the Psycho is done putting her feet through a meat grinder in about fifteen years. Piper assures the Psycho some more, and finally he blinks his Village People back into doll form. Piper hugs him and tells him he's such a good boy.
week, Demian's back, and to welcome him back he gets...all manner of Stoopid Magikal Kreatures, including, oh dear, a fairy AND a leprechaun? I weep for you, hon.