My "I'm there for you in the suckiness" Charmed buddy brought over a bottle of Piper Sonoma to ease the pain of this episode. Piper Sonoma. Because we are that cheesy. It's really great, because in addition to getting us nice and anesthetized, it also acts as a lisssssp filter.
As the WB promo cued up the show, the Evil Dr. Mathra laughed and pointed at me, crowing, "You volunteered to recap a show that has fresh episodes!" Yeah, but this is more like an overripe episode with brown spots that will give you diarrhea for days. I know it's been said many times, many ways, but I can't sympathize more with Demian for dealing with the show week after week after endlessly NON-CANCELLED week!
Just so you know, I will be shamelessly falling right in with Demian's nicknames for the Manor Morons (see?) because after years of reading his recaps, they have actually become part of my everyday vocabulary. I shouldn't tell you how many times I mutter "Hag!" under my breath when someone pisses me off.
Previously, the Manor Morons got a heads-up from Death that Dolt was on his to-do list. However, instead of letting him die, the morons hit upon a scheme that only Han Solo'd him for a while. Also, Raige finds a parole officer and starts to lay the groundwork to make him her new slampiece, while Billie the Retarded Blond Bimbo has latent memories of a Freddy Krueger-type scenario in which her sister was kidnapped on Halloween.
We open with the Retarded Bimbo prancing around the attic as she explains to Phoebe (HAG! Oh, sorry, that wasn't meant happen in this scene. It just slipped out because I've been so anxious to use it properly) her latest breakthrough in the search for her milk carton of a sister. I really can't follow the Retard's thought processes here, so I will have to transcribe it word for word in the dim hope that it will somehow make sense that way: "So, here's the thing, I have powers, which means my sister has powers too, so if the demon that took her wanted to use her powers for evil, the only place he could do that is corporate America." But...why? I mean, a demonic corporate America would certainly explain Martha Stewart and Enron, but what's the Retard's reasoning for it being "the only place he could do that"? Why not the current administration? Or Sandra Lee's kitchen? Why am I trying to make sense of a Retard? Meanwhile, I have to say that it speaks VOLUMES for Phoebe's intellect that she just falls in with the Retard's line of reasoning and follows up by asking, "So, you think this is some kind of demonic conspiracy?" The Retard is thrilled that Phoebe gets it, but Phoebe tells her they don't have time for that now, since the Retard's parents are on their way into town and the Retard has to go pick them up. The Retarded Bimbo bitches about her parents and how inviting them out was all Phoebe's interfering idea. Phoebe doesn't think the Retard's parents can be all that bad. "No? My father is a robot, my mother is a wallflower!" the Retard snipes. Okay, but on this show, that could actually be true.
The Retard's biggest beef with her parents is the fact that they haven't talked about the Milk Carton in years. Phoebe tells the Retard to simmer down: "Trust me, a little bit of Piper's food, some nice wine and everyone will be able to relax." Except Piper, who probably doesn't even know that she's making dinner at this point. Because Phoebe is a HAG! The Retard bitches some more about her parents and throws out that they know nothing about magic or witches. Phoebe thinks Retard's parents must be wise to the witchy ways if both the Retard and the Milk Carton have powers, but the Retard sarcastically thinks they were both adopted. The Retard goes back to her demonic corporate America theory and says she's meeting with a "mucky muck" who was once kidnapped as a child, and she's going to find out if he's magical by getting him to touch a piece of enchanted paper. I can't believe I just typed that sentence. Phoebe tells the Retard she can borrow her car, but only if she uses it to pick up her parents. More bitching about the parents, which ends with the Retard whinging, "They are going to suck the life out of this place!" Sort of like what you do to this show? But wait for it -- as she says it, a vase of flowers DIES! Looks like the teenaged witch just got herself a new power, even though IT ISN'T EVEN HER TURN! The Retard makes a confused face and decides the fact that she can cause things to happen just by verbal diarrhea isn't something she needs to tell Phoebe.
Two minutes in, and I already don't get any of it. Maybe I'm stupid, but how does being a corporate bigwig who also happened to be the victim of a kidnapping automatically make you a magical candidate?
We return from the commercial break not to find a San Francisco travelogue that I was really, REALLY hoping to recap, if only to give me the chance to say, "I can see my house from heeeeere!" Fuck you, show. Piper walks into the room, saying into the phone, "Everything's going to be fine. Just make sure you have enough beer, turn the music up, turn the lights down low, and you'll be fine, all right?" She's either giving advice to one of her managers at P3 or telling someone how to deal with a really ugly date. Phoebe fiddles on her laptop and casts a jaundiced eye at the camcorder in Piper's hand. No fear, Phoebe, Piper's not interested in filming your craggy ass; she just wants to capture herself on tape as she sets the table. See, it's all for Dolt because, as Piper explains, "Well, when you go away on a long trip, it's the little things you miss." Can't you just see it? Dolt returns from his deepfreeze and the first thing he does is not spend time with Piper or the kids, oh, no -- he pops himself some popcorn and watches home movies of Piper doing laundry, setting the table, sleeping, and god knows what else. However, because I do love Piper, I find it sorta sweet. Phoebe reminds Piper that Dolt is not exactly on a long trip. Just shut it, hag; if it helps Piper to deal with Han Dolto by thinking of him being on a long trip, let her. Piper tells Phoebe to act natural for the camera but, because that's too much to expect of her dramatic younger sister, Phoebe attempts to beat a hasty retreat upstairs after first admitting that she has writer's block. Boring. "Ask Phoebe" got some dippy letter from a twin who doesn't know if she can open up to her boyfriend because she's already so close to her twin brother/roommate. I'm only stating that because apparently it's going to Mean Something at the end of the episode, but I'll tell you right now that while it may Mean Something at the end of the episode, it also Doesn't Make Sense at the end of the episode. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Phoebe complains some more through her curtains of hair, which is done in a style that actually looks quite nice on her even if, as my friend observed, she looks very much like Susan Mayer now. Well, they're both bony and annoying...Over in an office building, the Retard meets with her Mucky Muck, who looks like he should be cast in a particularly skinful movie on Cinemax. As a greasy car salesman. ["Or a bad actor. When your wooden line delivery stands out on Charmed, it's time to think about learning to type." -- Sars] Mucky Muck has listened to her sob story about the Milk Carton, but doesn't really know how he can help her. The Retard babbles on and hands over the enchanted paper to Mucky Muck. The paper flares orange where Mucky Muck's fingers touch the paper. Okay, so is the Retard the only one who can see that, or could Mucky Muck have seen it as well? It seems like a rather insecure test, if you ask me. Another suit bursts in the room and with no preamble shouts, "Just so we're clear, you are not taking this company public, you hear?" Mucky Muck tries to get "Grant" to go away, but Grant keeps on with the corporate-speak, and the only important thing to take away from it is that Grant and Mucky Muck are cousins and Grant is the chairman. Do you think he bites into bell peppers before screaming, "Allez Cuisine!"? I do. Grant threatens to crush his cousin if he tries a "power play" the day, and storms out as blusteringly as he stormed in. Mucky Muck apologizes for his cousin, but having got what she wanted, the Retard grabs the paper back and galumphs out. Mucky Muck smiles and sits down, saying, "She's a witch, isn't she?" A middle-aged redhead -- who thinks she's going to Sgt. Pepper's funeral what with the double-breasted Nehru jacket-thing with two vertical rows of very large buttons she's sporting -- wavers in and tells him that he's learned his lessons well. Sgt. Pepper expositions that Mucky Muck is about to take over "one of the country's most powerful companies" and he can't risk exposure by the Retard. As Sgt. Pepper straightens his tie, Mucky Muck asks, "Can you handle her?" If Sgt. Pepper was able to switch him at birth and put him in position to take great power, she can handle "one little witch." Personally, I think this whole "corporate America is evil" shtick is just to distract us from the fact that it's actually Hollywood that's evil. Specifically, the WB and Kern as the new Source. Although, in his case, he's not the Source of all Evil, he's the Source of all Suckage.
At the Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World, Raige clomps into Henry's office and they banter-flirt. Flanter? Blirt? Both sort of sound like gastrointestinal emanations. Henry asks after the Dolt and whether or not they've heard from him. Raige tells him they haven't, something he would know if he returned her phone calls. She ends her sentence with a teasing click of her tongue that should make Henry wonder why she's taking her brother-in-law's mysterious disappearance so lightly. Henry is cutely chagrined and ashamed when he realizes that he never did return her calls, and promises he's not blowing her off. To prove it, he offers to meet her at P3 after her dinner with the Retard's parents. Raige agrees to the date and orders him not to be late as she flares her Jungle Red lips at him. Henry smiles sadly after her. Oh man, he's going to turn out to be magical as well, isn't he? Let's see -- as a parole officer, I guess it would make sense for him to be a Whitelighter. However, I would kill to see Ivan Sergei in those gold choir robes, so I hope they make him an Ever Useless Elder.
A homeless guy pushes a cart full of his worldly possessions in front of a subway station. Note to the Charmed staff: while we do have lots of homeless people in San Francisco, we do not have subway stations. It's either the underground MUNI or the freaking BART, but neither of them is called the SUBWAY! Have any of these writers even BEEN to the Bay Area? Two nervous-looking tourists huddle under an umbrella and gaze fearfully around at the depravity around them. Look! That guy is standing there doing absolutely nothing but he's dressed all in black! Oh, and that other guy is unloading stuff from the back of a car and he's also all in black! Clearly, the Retard's parents aren't used to people wearing black. Oh, holy crap, somebody better call Keith Mars because I think we've discovered where Big Dick is hiding out -- in the folds of Ma Retard's neck! No one could ever find him in there. Eventually, the Retarded Bimbo pulls up in Phoebe's Mini and greets her parents with a string of babble and apologies for being late. Ma Retard is sweet and bubbly about the "cute car," while Pa "Big Dick" Retard is crabby and sarcastic about just about everything. I think I like him. While Sgt. Pepper watches, the Retard stows her parents in the car and asks, "Are you guys ready to see my school?" "That's why we're here," Pa Retard crabs as he makes a big show of being cramped in the car, which is total bullshit, by the way, because if my six-foot-one husband was able to be totally comfortable in the passenger seat of a Mini, then clearly this bumpkin can be as well. The Retard rolls her eyes at her father and drives off.
As Piper vacuums the foyer to prepare for the guests Phoebe invited over, Phoebe makes a big show of trying to talk on the phone about her column. There's a weird cut to Tiny Gay Chris squeaking a toy, which I don't totally understand because even if we were supposed to believe that Phoebe is dealing with a cacophony of noises, that tiny gay squeak would not really be heard above the vacuum. The chick on the other line -- I don't remember seeing her before; she's not Phoebe's Non-Mary Cherry assistant, so is she Elise's assistant? -- asks if the column is done yet. It's not, and Phoebe doesn't understand why she's having so much trouble given how close she is with her own sisters. Just then, the Dead-Eyed Psycho gallops into the room dressed like a satanic cowboy and romping on a hobbyhorse. He's smiling broadly, which is even creepier than his blank stares. After the Psycho romps through the room, we can hear some pig-like squeals, which means either the hobbyhorse has a species-confused audio thing attached to it, or the Psycho just turned the living room into an abattoir. Piper smiles down on her horse-slaughtering child, and Phoebe, who presses the phone harder into her ear, thinks maybe she's too close to her sisters at this point. Oh, joy -- we're going down this road again, are we? As Piper gets the Psycho's bloody rampage on camera, Phoebe hangs up the phone and acts all affronted by the noise. Hey, bitch? You got a room, right? So, why the hell don't you go up there to get away from all the noise? Honestly, I think the writer's WANT us to hate Phoebe and her self-centered, complaining, Cooter Tat ways. As the pig-horse squeals-neighs a few last dying times, Phoebe snaps her laptop closed and martyrs that she'll just go upstairs. Damn right you will, and stop acting like it's such a big fucking imposition! Hell, you've also got an office across town! However, I do find it odd that Piper's not currently vacuuming, yet she's left the machine on this whole time. Piper asks Phoebe if she can help her get the house ready for the GUESTS PHOEBE INVITED, but Phoebe complains that dinner isn't for another four hours. She didn't ask you to help cook, she asked you to help get the house ready -- like clean and stuff. I just hate her so much. Phoebe finally asks if Piper is okay, because her cleaning jags are usually a sign of some mental distress. Piper waves this off as the doorbell rings. It's the Retard, with Ma and Pa Retard, who have come four hours early to dinner because they decided just to drive by the campus rather than touring it. The Retard pulls all sorts of faces as she begs to be let in. Dinner is awkward, which isn't that surprising given that they all seem to have food on their plates, yet the beautifully browned prop chicken is sitting there all uncarved and untouched. Everyone hems and haws and clears their throats in an attempt to find something to say. Phoebe drinks deep from her bowl of wine. Finally, the Retard comes up with, "You know, Phoebe over here is actually 'Ask Phoebe,' the advice columnist from The Bay Mirror." And her parents would care about this why? They flew in from somewhere, which means they don't live in the Bay Area, so basically they don't know Phoebe from a hole in the wall or...just a hole. And we know Phoebe's not syndicated because of that whole tiresome Chronic arc. Ma Retard smiles, impressed, from the round crocheted collar of her American-Gothic-via-Dress-Barn floral print dress, "Really? Wow." "Yep, that's me," Phoebe grins toothily. Piper not-so-subtly hikes her head to the right to encourage Phoebe to keep talking about herself. Easily done, I'm sure. Phoebe starts to say that she's working on a really interesting question from one of her readers. "We don't read advice columns," Pa Retard interrupts. Phoebe gets all shocked and dismayed, but maybe that's because Pa Retard looks to be a good fifteen years younger than Ma. And that gray stuff sprayed on his temples doesn't change that one bit. Piper offers to fill the awkward pause with more wine, which prompts Raige to flit off to her date with Henry. Ignoring Piper's insistent head-shaking, Raige goofs, "And you know if there's anyone you don't want to be late for, that would be a parole officer" before dashing off, which was just so stupid of her. She already knows the climate at the table, and instead of explaining that she's not meeting her parole officer, she just darts off, leaving the Retard and her sisters with the Awkward Couple. Sure enough, Ma Retard is all, parole in the what now? "It's not what you think," the Retard doesn't really explain. Pa Retard snots that she has interesting friends. "Excuse me?" Retard snits back. Sheesh, these people are rude. They eat someone else's food, they don't hold up their side of the conversation like any good guest should, they insult one of their hosts, and they fight with their daughter in front of those hosts.
Pa Retard decides it's time for them to go, "It was kind of you to invite us, thank you for dinner." Phoebe and Piper make blustery attempts to keep them there. Piper also swats at a fly, which I initially thought was quite bizarre, but there actually is a purpose for it. A stupid purpose, but a purpose all the same. Pa Retard declines the offer of dessert and because the night hasn't been awkward enough, the Retard jumps up and blurts, "I need to ask you guys about [the Milk Carton] right now." Ma Retard totally overdoes the pearl-clutching as she gasps, jumps back, and grabs at the back of a chair for support. Get a grip, honey. Pa Retard rebukes his stupid daughter by saying it's not something they discuss in front of strangers. Because now is the time to worry about appropriateness in front of their hosts. Phoebe and Retard say that the Manor Morons aren't strangers, they are friends, and Retard accuses her father of never wanting to discuss the Milk Carton. Ma Retard gets all runny-nosed and sob-eyed, and Retard hurls more accusations about how her parents never really did anything about finding the Milk Carton after she was abducted. The fly keeps buzzing, and Piper keeps trying to smooth things over. Pa and Retard hurl more invectives at each other until Retard finally shouts, "You guys are cold-hearted assassins!" Okay...what? Why on earth would she pick the word "assassins" for her parents? Cold-hearted robots/androids/freaks, I could see. Even cold-hearted snakes, if she wanted to go the Abdul route, but -- "assassins"? Why would that even be a word she associates with her parents? I don't get it, I don't get it, I DON'T GET IT!
Whatever. Ma and Pa Retard morph into assassin attire, with Ma trading her doily-collared print dress for a black sheath with a plunging neckline, and Pa eschewing his beige ensemble for a black jacket and white shirt. Ma Retard has also tufted her evil blond hair out with some styling paste and now looks exactly how Jenna Elfman will probably look in about thirty years. ["That's generous; Elfman already looks…kind of mature. Moisturize, Jenna!" -- Sars] Everyone bugs and boggles until Ma Retard catches site of the fly that has been waiting and waiting for his big moment. I was so hoping she'd flick out a tongue and eat it, but instead she reaches down to her thigh and whips out a garter-secured knife. She flings the knife at the fly and stabs it into the wooden doorframe. Man, that was a long way to go for a knife trick. Also, I should note that, like all assassins, Ma Retard is wearing fishnets. Fishnets mean you are Up To Something. Pa Retard compliments his wrinkly wife on her technique, and Ma Retard preens. Speaking of flies, the Retard's gonna catch a couple dozen if she doesn't shut her slacked jaw but quick. Mr. and Mrs. Retard nuzzle at each other as Ma Retard moans grotesquely. Why are all assassins oversexed? Seriously, wouldn't it be a better cover if they wore Coke bottle glasses and pocket protectors and lived in their parents' basements instead of grinding around in sexpot outfits? Phoebe looks revolted, but Piper just says, "Oh, boy," and shakes her head in true Piperly irritation. Holly hates this episode as much as we do -- have a drink on me, kid.
After the commercial break, Ma Retard pulls her knife out of the antique woodwork and cleans off the tip. "Mmm, titanium," she says LICKING HER FINGER, WHICH HAD FLY CARCASS ON IT! She then admires her husband's new gun. "What did you put in their food?" Phoebe whisper-screeches to Piper. Piper opens her eyes wide and snaps, "Food was in the food! Thank you!" "Well then how do you explain this?" Phoebe creels. Hm, let me think -- you all are a bunch of witches to whom crazy-ass magical stuff happens all the freaking time, and yet Phoebe can only see FOOD as the reason for Mr. and Mrs. Wilkes Booth? Maybe if she ATE some every once in awhile she would see that it doesn't actually turn you into hired guns. Piper points the finger at the Retard, reminding all and sundry that she's the one who said "assassins." "It's a figure of speech!" Retard yells back. It is? In what language? Oh, in Retard language. I get it now. The Retard interrupts her parent's canoodlings by venturing, "Mom? Dad?" Ma and Pa Retard don't know who she is and why she thinks they are her parents. You know, I wouldn't own up to it either. Phoebe takes the witches into a corner and tells Pa and Ma Retard to stay where they are and "keep grossing [her] out." Heh. Piper orders Phoebe and the Retard to abuse the Book of Shadows a bit while she keeps an eye on the PDAing couple in her dining room.Up in the attic, the Retard sees the dead flowers and finally cottons on to the fact that she seems to have a new power. Phoebe realizes the Retard now has the power of projection, which lets the witch turn people and things into other things without needing a spell or potion. "It's pretty powerful stuff," Phoebe adds. Retard is still not getting how she suddenly has a new power. Like, join the viewing public, honey. Phoebe ventures a hackneyed explanation: "Well, it kinda makes sense if you think about it -- I mean, you're growing as a witch and our powers are tied to our emotions and you've been suppressing those lately." She has? When? When has there been a point of showing us that the Retard is repressing her emotions? Was it when she was Hippolyta? Because she got pretty angry over that belt for someone who suppresses things. Maybe it was when she cried over the Milk Carton's abduction. Or maybe it was when the writers pulled it out of their collective asses! Cheeses Christ. The Retard reasons that she can turn her parents back, and to prove this, she marches over to the wilted flowers and commands blandly, "Dead flowers. Be alive again." Nothing happens. See, not even flowers find Cuoco believable. Take note, Brad Kern. Phoebe consoles the Retard that new powers take some getting used to, and points out that the Retard isn't in the same emotional state she was when she turned her parents into hit-people. A muffled but clearly incredibly loud muttering calls up to them. "Piper?" they wonder.
Down in the dining room, Piper -- a witch, with powers, a Charmed one -- has been bound and gagged by Pa and Ma Retard. After she's released, Piper explains that she didn't have a chance to get off a freeze when the Retard's parents jumped her. Piper, who can freeze a FUCKING BULLET, didn't have the chance to freeze two HUMANS?! No. Just...no. NO! ["And the fact that she does so later in the episode just makes this even more noticeably stupid. It's called 'a line producer,' Charmed. Get one. Hell, get a bunch." -- Sars] Piper says that Pa and Ma Retard took off in search of "some real action." Phoebe, to whom "action" only means what goes on in her pants, asks, "What does that mean?" We all ignore what the Retard says about her parents' bowling night, and Piper says they are in search of an arsenal. Pretty stupid assassins to let that kind of info out.
At P3, Raige searches the crowd for a no-show Henry. Her cell phone rings and Raige puts it up to her ear, sing-songing, "You're late." Oh, but the funny thing is that it's PIPER and not HENRY! Do you see how hysterical that is? Because no one checks ever their cell phone display to see who's calling them before they answer! Are we quite certain Billie is the only one who deserves the sobriquet "Retard"? Piper explains the sitch to Raige as the camera pans over to show the Retard using her Mousetical Crystical laptop magical GPS tracking device. I'll bet you can get that at REI.
Elsewhere in the city, Pa Retard shoots at people while Ma Retard flings more knives. The only exciting thing is that I get to note that Convenient Shipping Pallets Of Grave Bodily Injury land on whoever it is Ma and Pa Retard are attacking and the entire scenelet takes place in a dank and forbidding alleyway. I am such a Demian fangirl. Ma Retard pouts that she's out of ammo but invites her husband to check in all the secret places. Why doesn't she just go and collect the knives she threw? She did it at the manor, she can do it here. Honestly, some people are so RETARDED! Ma and Pa Retard saunter off to get ammo for him and Prada for her. Yeah, I don't know why either.Raige arrives in the attic, and after some preliminary bitching about getting stood up, she asks about the matter at hand. Phoebe holds up a corked stunning potion for the assassins and says after the stun, they'll bring them back to the manor and change them back. Okay, again, because they are dealing with mere HUMANS, the stunning potion seems totally unnecessary, because I would think that if she's prepared for it, Piper could freeze them and then Raige could orb them and then...oh, screw it. They still don't know how to turn them back, and Retard is frustrated with her scrying attempts and self-pities that with her new power, she could just herself into a target so her parents would come after her. I'm ALL for that plan. Piper gives Phoebe the eye that says, "Go soothe the whiny little bitch because I've been through TOO MUCH to deal with that sort of crap." Phoebe soothes Retard's petulance, while Raige asks if she can use the stun potion on Henry. Thankfully, Piper orders them to focus and, after some back and forth about the scryability of magical and/or enchanted persons, the Retard locates her parents. Phoebe tries to hand over the stun potions to Piper, who balks and says she can't leave the boys. Phoebe offers to stay with them, but Piper refuses. And we're going down THAT road again. What is the point of paying for a new season if it's going to be just retreads of old storylines? Why am I asking a question that you all have asked hundreds of times? Piper doesn't look any of them in the eye as the three link hands and orb out.
The trio lands in the dank and forbidding alleyway and note the various bodies sprawled under the Convenient Shipping Pallets Of Grave Bodily Injury. The Retards gasps and asks if the bodies are dead. Apparently, Ma and Pa aren't very good assassins because all are still breathing. "Looks like your parents were just toying with them," Raige explains, and out pop Ma and Pa Retard from the back entrance of a restaurant called "Café di Tutti." Phoebe spastically throws the stunning potion, but Pa Retard fires and destroys it mid-arc. Whatever, 00Retard. Retard pleads with her parents that they just want to help them. Ma Retard sneeringly wonders why the Retard keeps calling them "Mom" and "Dad." The Retard looks hurt by this (EVEN THOUGH THEY SAID BASICALLY THE SAME THING AT THE MANOR, SO IT'S NOT LIKE IT’S THE FIRST TIME SHE'S HEARD IT! PLUS? SHE ALREADY KNOWS THEY AREN'T THEMSELVES, SO STOP WITH THE FUCKING HURT BUNNY LOOK ALREADY! Damn, and I was so hoping my head wouldn't explode tonight) and instead of orbing the friggin' gun, Raige makes a panicked show of orbing the three witches out just as Ma and Pa Retard start firing again.
At Mucky Muck's offices, Mucky Muck complains to Sgt. Pepper about her failure to handle something. Sgt. Pepper asks if she's ever let him down. "No," Mucky Muck admits, "but yesterday I had only one witch to worry about, now I've got three." Wait, why is he having to worry about them, exactly? Sgt. Pepper informs him that they aren't just any three witches, they are the Charmed Ones. Oh, god, please stop mistaking the Retard for being a Charmed One! She isn't and never will be, no matter how many spoiled Milk Cartons Brad Kern drags out of his ass! Mucky Muck complains that he doesn't have the power to stand up to them. "You don't have the power to stand up to anyone, demonically speaking, I mean," Sgt. Pepper reminds him, "but you don't have to. As far as they know, you're human and they can't touch you." Oh, I guess this is because the Retard made him touch the enchanted paper, so now she knows he's magical in some way. Mucky Muck just doesn't want them getting in the way of him killing his cousin. Sgt. Pepper reveals that she's going to have Pa and Ma Retard do the killing. Pa and Ma Retard make out in a hotel room to the tune of wah-wah Remington Steele music until they hear a knock at the door. Poised and ready with gun, knife, and Ma Retard's cleavage, all which will certainly make the room service guy pee his pants, Pa and Ma Retard fling open the door and yank their guest inside. Mucky Muck is on the other side carrying one of those silver briefcases that are always filled with money, bombs, or weapons on television. Mucky Muck makes them an offer they won't refuse, and flips open the briefcase to show them a padded interior with a few cell phones, name tags, a mini recorder, and a pen. Mucky Muck explains it's everything they need to get through security for the job he hasn't even detailed to them. He notes that the weapon is also there for them to figure out. Ma Retard examines a blood red folder that gives them the details on the mark. Pa Retard asks what's in it for them. "Whatever you want," Mucky Muck offers. Ma Retard giggles. "We're in," Pa Retard says as Ma Retard drops the folder on the bed so we can see a big eight-by-ten of Mucky Muck's cousin.
At the Manor, more high-tech scrying. Apparently, Pa and Ma Retard are moving around a lot. Given the scale of that map, I don't think Ma and Pa Retard can actually move that fast unless they were in a helicopter. Since the Retard is being uncharacteristically quiet, Phoebe asks if she's okay. Well, she really isn't, since her parents tried to shoot her. Raige attempts to make the whiny Retard feel better by saying they weren't really her parents, but she blathers so much that Phoebe orders her back to stirring duty. Nothing more of import really happens here, except for the Retard nostalgically remembering how her parents were once this happy before the Milk Carton expired. The doorbell rings. "Piper?" Phoebe asks. Is she asking if Piper's at the door or is she asking if Piper's going to get it? "No, she's with the babies, putting them down for a nap," Raige says, and hands over her spoon to Phoebe. "I think I know who it is." So, she was asking if it was Piper at the door. Why would Piper be ringing her own doorbell? It's not like they lock the damn door ever. Oh, I give up. Before Raige quits the attic to get the door, she reminds Phoebe that they can't let Pa and Ma Retard off an innocent.
Downstairs, Raige opens the door and coolly greets Henry who asks if she got any of his calls. Raige shrugs that she got all of them, and what is with the weird Snow White evil stepmother collar on her purplish-grey shirt? Henry realizes that Raige is mad and tries to make excuses, but Raige is having none of it. She tells him that it's not supposed to be this hard this early, and says she feels there's something "off" or that there's something he's not telling her. "What are you not telling me?" Henry asks immediately. Raige won't have it turned around on her, and goggles that he's married. Henry's not married, but he explains that he has secrets and he has a hard time getting close to people, especially when he knows they are holding out on him. The Retard and Phoebe come clomping down the stairs with Phoebe calling, "We gotta move, so we can get the thing from the thing for the thing." Raige promises to call Henry. Henry leaves with a small backward glance. Phoebe explains that Pa and Ma Retard stopped moving, and the Retard points out that they stopped moving at Mucky Muck's building. Piper, in a blush-colored blousy shirt that clings in all the wrong places, asks what the Retard is talking about. The powerful children being stolen for corporate America theory is explained, and Raige and Phoebe say something stupid about The Manchurian Candidate. The Retard persists in her theory until Phoebe and Raige get around to seeing that Pa and Ma Retard are being used to draw the Retard in. Phoebe orders Piper to accompany the group this time while she stays with the kids. Piper protests, but Phoebe reminds her that she has more firepower than she does. Yeah, a lot of good that will do her, as we'll soon see. Piper is not thrilled with this until Phoebe tells her she has to "get back out there and fight. For the Dolt." Piper looks at the floor.Corporate event with drinking, smarming, and metal detecting. Standing in line for the metal detector, the trio looks around for Pa and Ma Retard. The Retard says they must be nearby because she spots "Davos," a.k.a. Mucky Muck. Isn't Davos that place in Switzerland where corporate bigwigs go to plot their globalization of capitalism? Looking at the credits, I see that the character's name is "Dalvos" but I think they can swallow the "l" if they expect us to swallow this tripe. Pretending not to know her, Pa Retard seats himself to Ma and casually places his tape recorder on the table. As the doomed Grant positions himself at the podium, Ma just as casually puts her mascara on the table. Oh, that's what that pen thing was in the stainless steel briefcase. Mucky Muck's cousin drones about not going public as Pa and Ma Retard assemble a gun under the table using the mascara and the tape recorder. Marshall's stuff is so much cooler. The Retard spies her parents and is relieved to see they are okay. Pa Retard gets the nod from Mucky Muck, after which he stands up and fires the gun. The bullet freezes inches from Grant's face. We look over to see Piper's hands in position. "What are you doing -- are you crazy?" the Retard caterwauls at her frozen pop. Why is she even surprised by this turn of events -- they ARE FUCKING ASSASSINS! I just can't -- please make it stop. Raige dances over to bat down the bullet, squealing, "Hot! Hot! Hot!" Piper wonders why Pa and Ma Retard were shooting at Grant. Sgt. Pepper shimmers in and says, "Because I wanted them to, and just so you know, whether or not you vanquish me, it won't save Mommy and Daddy." Piper doesn't follow. Sgt. Pepper explains that Grant is still going to die and Pa and Ma Retard will be held responsible. "And afterwards, our greatest creation -- for all intents and purposes, a human -- Rod Davos will take over and with it give us the demonic foothold we've worked a generation to achieve," Sgt Pepper goes on. Don't you love it when the baddies explain everything they plan to do? After Piper wonders how Sgt. Pepper's going to manage all that, Mucky Muck breaks his freeze (or was never really frozen because he's got demon taint on him) and fires at Grant. Blood spurts. People scream. Grant falls. Whatever, the trajectory from where Mucky Muck fired is totally different from what a bullet fired by Pa Retard's would be. Columbo would figure it out. As chaos ensues, Pa and Ma Retard get away. Luckily there was a handy photographer there to take all kinds of pictures. Sgt. Pepper smiles at Piper before disappearing into the commercial break. Gee, I wonder if they're going to make the Milk Carton come back evil.
Phoebe's on her phone saying, "I don't know -- it just came to me. Actually, I don't know why I had such a hard time with the question in the first place." Elise's assistant tells Phoebe how brilliant she is, which Phoebe totally laps up with her non-modest modesty. Elise's assistant then quotes back the answer about siblings relying too much on one another for emotional needs and therefore not being able to form relationships outside that co-dependency. Or something. "'Sometimes you have to move out to move on,'" Elise's assistant breathes. And by the way? She's not looking down at her desk or at a computer screen, which means she committed Phoebe's advice to memory. Blech! Phoebe tells Elise's assistant that she can relate to the sibling dependency issue and that it only took her time and peace and quiet to figure it out. Oh, peace and quiet this, bitch. As Piper, Raige, and the Retard orb in, after bitching that her oasis of peace and quiet has dried up (much like I wish her uterus would), Phoebe orders Elise's assistant to get the column to copy ASAP and hangs up. Piper bustles off to get the boys to their grandfather's place, adding, "And just so we're clear, I'm not ducking a fight, I'm just protecting my kids." The Retard and Raige bring Phoebe up to tedious speed, which includes mentioning that Sgt. Pepper is Mucky Muck's nanny. And when was that told to them, exactly? I didn't hear it, did you hear it? Is it something that just came to them as they orbed over? I watched the episode four times to find it and I never found it. I HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW! Phoebe sighs, all put-upon again.At the crime scene, reporters ask Mucky Muck why people would want to kill Grant. Mucky Muck nebulously connects it to the Retard coming to him for information on her missing Milk Carton and how he and Grant weren't able to do anything to help them. Back in his office, Mucky Muck asks Sgt. Pepper how long he has to wait before he becomes chairman. Sgt. Pepper tells him to be patient; in the meantime, they have to take care of "loose ends."
Somewhere in the city that isn't the one I live in, both Pa and Ma Retard get calls telling them of a new assignment. "All right, where do I find the mark?" Ma Retard says NOT AT ALL QUIETLY IN A POPULATED AND BUSY STREET! Man, she wears her name well.
Non-techie scrying at the Manor doesn't work, because the two have split up and the crystal can't decide which one to land on. Can't they just scry for one and then for the other? I mean, say what you will about married people, they aren't a single being. Plus, there's the Retard with her computer -- why can't she scry for one on there and have Phoebe scry for the other?! Oh, right, because she's too busy watching a video file of Mucky Muck's press conference. What she's obsessing over is that Mucky Muck says something about how Pa and Ma Retard have been looking for the Milk Carton for the past fifteen years. "This is all over the internet -- they were looking for her and they didn't even tell me," the Retard whines. Because Mucky Muck has SO much credibility at this point. Reasoning that the parents of witches must have trace magic in their blood, Phoebe hits on the idea of doing the "Call for a Lost Witch" spell to smoke Pa and Ma Retard out. Considering they've done "Call for a Lost Sister" before, could they just do "Call for a Lost Mother and Father"? COULDN'T THEY?! Piper seems to like that idea.
Meanwhile, the new marks for Pa and Ma Retard turn out to be -- ta da! -- each other! Oh, the unholy tedium of it all. The Retards hold each other a gunpoint until they finally tearfully say that they love each other and then disappear in glowing golf balls. At the Manor, Phoebe commands, "Freeze them!" But Ma Retard turns her gun on Piper, threatening, "Move and you die." Piper lowers her hands. FUCK THAT! She's done freezes with the tiniest of twitches before! Are you KIDDING me with this crap? Oh, man. OH, MAN! Sure, let's give the stringy-haired, overly made-up, no-talent Retarded Blond Bimbo a new power and while we're at it, let's HOBBLE Piper! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaate. The aforementioned Retard looks upset. Who the FUCK cares?!
I just have to get through this scene before I can collapse in a quivering mass of loathing and bile. Basically, invoking the soon-to-be-spoiled Milk Carton, the Retard cries her parents back to normal. I guess the Verbal Diarrhea words are, "You're all I have left." The Family Retard embrace and sob and apologize. Raige bops in with the news that she's figured out how to clear Ma and Pa Retard, but stops short at the sight of all the retarded hugging and crap. "Did I miss something?" she mugs. I wish I had.Mucky Muck holds another press conference in which he admits to killing Grant and framing the Retard's parents because he wanted to get control of the company. Mucky Muck walks into a hallway, leans against the wall, and deglamours as a smiling Piper. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but what about the roomful of people that would have seen Pa Retard firing the gun and not Mucky Muck? Not to mention the photographers happily snapping away at the ensuing chaos? The real Mucky Muck adjusts his tie in a mirror and is startled when Sgt. Pepper smears in. She's been smearing in his whole life, and NOW he gets startled? You know, fine. Get startled, see if I care -- you're going to die here anyway. Sgt. Pepper yells at Mucky Muck about the ruination of all their demonic hopes and dreams. Mucky Muck unwisely asks what happens now. A gun smokes into Sgt. Pepper's hand. From the dark street, we look up at the office building and see a flash as the gun goes off.
morning, the papers lead with the headline that Mucky Muck committed suicide after confessing his role in Grant's murder. While feeding Tiny Gay Chris, Piper crows over the fact that they printed her speech because it was so good. Phoebe reminds us that Sgt. Pepper got away. "Oh, don't worry about it -- I'm sure we'll be seeing her again in another thirty years or so," Piper mutters. Phoebe points out that they'll be too worried about their Geritol Complete to be dealing with it, and nods at Tiny Gay Chris, saying it will be his problem then. Piper wonders where they'll be. Phoebe thinks she'll be sitting there feeding her grandkids with Dolt. As if. Adopted grandkids, maybe. Piper hopes so. Phoebe then decides to act as though Piper wrote in for advice and tells her to give herself time to deal with Dolt's neither-here-nor-there status. "Sounds like good advice, did you have any for the twins?" Piper asks. Phoebe did, "I suggested that she move out of the house -- get her own space." Piper nods sagely, "That's good advice." Piper takes Tiny Gay Chris out of his highchair and leaves Phoebe to open the paper to some huge ad for "LUXURY LOFTS: ONLY ONE LEFT" in the Real Estate section. If there were really only one left, I seriously doubt the company would shell out massive bucks for such a large ad. Phoebe smiles, knowing that she can't afford it on her salary but that Piper will work her fingers to the bone to make sure her little sister can once again sit on her ass in a sweet apartment.
Raige visits a melancholy Henry to ask him why it's so hard for him to get close to people. Henry doesn't know, but he thinks it's because he bounced around so many foster homes, and just when he got close to someone, they would leave. Then he corrects himself with, "Or really, I would leave." Hm, I wonder if that was a real slip or a Freudian slip. Maybe he's another version of Death? Henry apologizes for his "fight-or-flight thing." Raige tells him it's nothing to apologize for, and they make out.Retard's heinously large dorm room. Ma Retard strokes the picture of the Retard and her Milk Carton and wetly reminisces about their sisterhood. Ma Retard realizes it might have been the wrong choice not to tell the Retard that they continued to look for the Milk Carton. She also admits that she always knew she had witchy children because their grandmother was one: "I guess it skipped a generation, huh?" Just like male-pattern baldness. Ma Retard tells her daughter that she's destined for greatness with her powers, and encourages her to embrace it. The Retard promises to find her Milk Carton. Ma Retard pulls out a book from her purse and says it was the Milk Carton's diary: "We never could figure out what the last entry meant -- maybe you can." Ma Retard touches the Retard's cheek, telling her to be safe, and leaves. The Retard flips open the diary to the last entry and looks at the intricate, perfectly sketched Celtic symbol that my friend has as a tattoo. Wait, how old was the kid when she was kidnapped? Must be one talented Milk Carton. Probably even 2%.
week, I'm still here and my liver grows ever more saturated as we deal with a hostage situation and a no-magic-in-public situation. Sound familiar? You know, I gotta hand it to this show for being consistent in the last two years. Consistently bad. Every once in awhile a fairly good episode squeaks past them, but otherwise they've got good quality control going on. And by that, I mean they actually control, restrain, and tie down the quality.