It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Part One

Fade up on the big gay hand of Big Gay Chris as it slides a volume from one of the upper shelves of the Not!warts library. We follow the book as the camera pans with it to reveal Big Gay Chris atop a ladder, with Raige far below him scribbling something onto a sheet of paper at the table; Snidely flips open another tome behind her. "You know," Big Chris snorts, "your time travel section is due for a serious overhaul. I mean, I can find more information Googling." Snidely pauses in his task to eyebrow, "'Googling'?" Shut up, Snidely. My pretty, pretty husband apparently agrees with me, for he rolls his eyes, breathes a condescending, "Never mind," and eases himself down the ladder to join his aunt at the table. "Any luck with that spell yet?" he wonders. Raige hauls her scraggly head of hair up from her work to peeve, "You mean, in the last two minutes since you asked me?" Chris is all, "Back off, Snarly Girl. It's just that my birthday is in two days, and if I'm not outta here before I'm born" "Something bad that you don't know about could happen?" Raige prompts with a teasing glint in her eye. Chris shoots her A Look before insisting he simply doesn't want to take any chances. Besides, he notes, as he's accomplished what he returned to the past to achieve -- saving his dead-eyed sociopath of an older brother from The Dark Side, in case you've forgotten since last week -- it's time for him to go home. Cue the entrance of Big Gay Chris's massively pregnant mother and massive ass of a father, who wander into the library from points unknown with a set of overnight bags on wheels. "Oh, no, no, no!" Chris exclaims, skittering across the room with an equally agitated Raige. "You're early!" Piper tells him to cool it. She's not in labor, she's simply having the Dolt take some of her things back to the Manor in anticipation of leaving Not!warts for good in a couple of days. "Just don't scare me," Chris pleads, clearly stressed. Perhaps part of that stress is due to the fact that he and Raige are inexplicably dressed as some bizarre version of The Wonder Twins, what with their matching yellow under grey over green outfits this evening. Raige's take on this sartorial trope is a yellow beater beneath a grey, spaghetti-strapped cotton top over a pair of olive cargoes, with Chris in a crew-neck long-sleeved yellow shirt beneath a grey jacket over brighter green chinos. No, I have no idea what it all signifies, so stop looking at me. I'm just recording the facts, here, people.

In any event, the Dolt inquires as to the readiness of the spell Raige had been scripting, and Snidely calls out that it's pretty much done. "It should work," he amends with generous amounts of caution flooding every word of that sentence as he himself crosses from the table to join the Manor Morons at the center of the room. The Dolt's all, "Whuh?" so Snidely's forced to remind him in the most snappishly unctuous of tones that "there are no guarantees with time travel." The Dolt flusters. Piper shoots Snidely A Look Of Death. Snidely bumbles an insincere apology before muttering that there's always a chance something could go wrong, so they should prepare themselves for that possibility. Gee, ya think Snidely's been fucking with the spell? Hmmm? What are the odds? The Dolt insists he's not sending his younger, prettier son "through a one-way portal" unless he's certain of where Chris will end up. Snidely craftily notes that the Dolt will never be certain of Big Chris's ultimate destination unless he himself accompanies Chris on the journey. The Dolt argues that if that's the case, they'll bail on the spell, thank you very much, and send Chris back to the future via a potion. That way, if anything's wrong, all he need do is crack open another vial of the stuff to return to the present. Piper agrees, so the guys are to remain in Not!warts to whip up a batch of the stuff while Raige heads back to the Manor for a round of expository blather with the Feebs. Erm. "While Raige heads back to the Manor to place Piper's belongings in the Patricia Campbell Hearst Commemorative Child Care Nook." Upon mention of the nook, Raige gets all shifty and deceitful, for she has not prepared Tiny Gay Chris's future boudoir. She finally cops to her laziness, however, leading Piper to snort something about how Tiny Chris will be bunking with Raige if Raige doesn't get her act in gear, pronto. Big Chris looks as skeeved at that prospect as any sensible human being would, while Raige promises to do her best and crosses to orb out with the bags. As Raige dematerializes, Piper calls out an order for "lots and lots of diapers." With the image of, say, the Feebs changing his soiled undergarments dancing through his head, Chris has had more than enough ickiness for one day and deadpans, "Okay. Gotta get outta here." He eeks himself back to the table while Piper and the Dolt exercise their eyebrows in wry amusement.

Snidely's study. The smug prick passes through the telekinetically opened and shut door and crosses to a patchwork arras. Snidely slides the cloth to one side to reveal a massive mirror set against the wall, within which a greasier version of himself appears. "They prepare to send the boy home," the two Snidelys intone as one. Our Snidely then sits. Looking-glass Snidely remains standing. And oily. Sharing the expository duties, and in the process turning what is pretty much the monologue that follows into a colloquy, the Snidelys sneer something about getting "the sisters and [the Dolt] and [Big Gay] Chris out of the way." "Don't worry," our Snidely assures his slick-haired doppelganger. "We will." The camera pulls into an extreme close-up of looking-glass Snidely's face, the better to draw attention to the ridiculous gold hoop earrings he's sporting, as well as the nasty scar gouged into the right side of his face. Slimy Snidely grins. Evilly. DUN! Also: CREDITS!

Someone on the production staff must really want to fuck Liz Phair, for tonight's opening travelogue is the second season finale's in a row to feature a song from her latest album. This tune's not as aggravatingly catchy as "Extraordinary," but it seems to be just as disconnected from this evening's plot as "Extraordinary" was to last year's. Oh, wait a minute. I take that back. "Like an accident on the side of the road when you're driving past slow," Liz drones, "but there's nothing to see here." This might be the most relevant travelogue ovary ever, for this show is, indeed, a gory car wreck, and it really is pointless to slow down and stare at it. In any event, after the requisite pans across the city, the camera zips along behind a cable car for a bit before plunging into traffic on the Golden Gate Bridge, eventually speeding into a tunnel somewhere else. The camera emerges from the blackness to land on the Manor faade, and pans down to the left to reveal Phoebe, laden with overflowing shopping bags, as she emerges from her hideous, boxy automobile at curbside. As the Manor's driveway is currently clogged with Piper's Grand Cherokee and Raige's Volkswagen, Phoebe's been forced to park yet again in the street, in the process blocking the drive door. A plus-size redhead in a pink sweatsuit immediately emerges from the former home of Dan Dan The Stalker Man to confront Phoebe regarding the latter's thoughtlessness. Phoebe claims she had nowhere else to park, as "Mrs. Noble's" bright orange construction Dumpster is hogging the entire side of the street. Phoebe. Please. The opposite side is completely devoid of cars, you hateful and apparently blind moron, and besides, if you're going to block someone's driveway, why not your own? Piper's stuck at Not!warts, after all, and so won't be using her Grand Cherokee anytime soon, and Raige can fucking orb anywhere she wants to fucking go. Gah. Whatever. This scene exists simply to set up what happens at the end of this episode, and while it wouldn't have killed the production staff to park a couple of extra cars on the opposite side to make it believable, it's so not worth my time to scream about the sloppy execution here. Long story short, Mrs. Noble's called the neighborhood patrol, and an officer arrives to ticket Phoebe's Mini Cooper. There's some shrieking and some shrilling and some, oh, skirling before Phoebe finally spins on her heel to flounce up to the Manor in a huff.

Bridal Boudoir. Raige futzes with the disassembled bassinette's canopy as Phoebe trundles in with her bags to squeal something dumb about remembering when the Psycho was small enough to sleep in the thing. Raige, frustrated, bails on the entire exercise and plonks down on Piper's bed, the better to engage in the expository exchange that follows. There's a bit of discussion regarding the Manor's cramped sleeping arrangements -- with Phoebe, of all people, offering to sleep on the couch to ease things for others, like, where's this selflessness coming from all of a sudden? -- before Raige pointedly notes that Phoebe's been avoiding Big Gay Chris over the last few days. Phoebe natters excuses before collapsing onto the bed herself to admit she's going to miss Big Chris as much as Raige will. That octagonal window, incidentally, has reappeared in the Patricia Campbell Hearst Commemorative Child Care Nook after having vanished for most of the nook's existence. Do they think we don't notice these things? And look at that. While I've been thusly distracted, the gals have finished up their little chat, and the doorbell has rung. Phoebe, believing it's Mrs. Noble come to deliver another anti-parking tirade, hustles off to answer.

"This is getting to be a habit, isn't it?" a teary-eyed and yet still dazzling Sheila blubbers from the front porch when Phoebe opens the door. "Me showing up a wreck?" The thing we know, Phoebe's escorted The Dazzling Sheila into the main parlor to listen to the latter's latest tale of woe. Seems The Dazzling Sheila's been fighting with Detective Doormat for the first time in their many years together, and Sheila can't figure out what's wrong with him. The latest spat was triggered when The Dazzling Sheila dropped by Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World, and noticed an arrest warrant for Big Gay Chris on the Doormat's desk. Innocently enough, she wondered how the Doormat would quash it. "That's when he just lost it," The Dazzling Sheila explains. "He told me to stay out of it and to stay away from you girls from now on." She wonders if something happened that she should know about. Phoebe, who's wearing a rather fetching and modest pink top, gingerly explains that something did indeed happen a couple of weeks ago, but does not get into the details. Some have wondered why The Dazzling Sheila would remember "showing up a wreck" in that episode if she has no apparent memory of the Doormat's arrest and subsequent near-execution. We don't get an official answer, of course, because this show is ass, but just tell yourself that the Cleaners implanted the memory of some different, unrelated-yet-equally-traumatic event in Sheila's mind when they reset the clock. At least, that's what I've done, and it seems to be working for me so far. In any event, Phoebe suggests The Dazzling Sheila give her doormat of a husband a little time to get over it all. "But that doesn't help you," Sheila protests, "and it doesn't help Chris." Phoebe bites her lower lip and perhaps a bit guiltily averts her gaze as Sheila continues, "You girls are like family to us, and you don't turn your back on family." At this, Phoebe lifts her eyes to meet Sheila's and smiles.

Regular Not!warts. "Something's gone wrong!" Snidely shouts. "Don't let them leave!" He charges towards the Pinhead, who flips him into the Feebs. Snidely and the Feebs collapse into a pile of annoying on the floor as Even Gayer Big Chris conjures a Darklighter's crossbow, which smokes into his right hand. He raises it, aims at Raige, and squeezes the trigger. Piper gasps and tosses out a freeze. After a beat, she bats the frozen arrow out of the air and spits, "Are you out of your mind?" Because I'm enjoying this episode so much, I'll not remind her she risks serious harm to both herself and Fetal Gay Chris by touching a Darklighter's arrow. Besides, that was a funny bit. The Pinhead orders Even Gayer Big Chris to follow him, and the two darklight on out of there. "The hell was that all about?" Phoebe shrieks, leaping to her feet. Piper and Raige have similar reactions, demanding an explanation from Snidely. He vamps for a bit, lying that perhaps "the spell wasn't specific enough," before launching into an explanation of tonight's central conceit. The Glamorous Ladies actually opened a portal to "a parallel world that's the exact reverse" of their own, in which the good are evil and vice versa. It's all part of "the grand design," you see, "a universe designed to maintain balance -- light and dark, yin and yang," because for "good to prevail in this world, an equally evil world must exist" and blee blah nonsensicalcakes, but what the hell do you expect? They screwed up time travel. Do you really expect them to concoct a parallel universe scheme that makes any goddamned sense? It makes even less sense when Snidely explains that, as Bizzaroland is a mirror world, "whatever happens there happens here." What? No, Snidely, if it's really a mirror world, then whatever happens there is the opposite of what happens here. Which means that in Bizarroland, Piper should be a lazy sow, Raige should be running a Fortune 500 company, the Dolt should be smart, Chris should be straight, Phoebe should be a nun, and you should be interesting. Well, that last part's true, but otherwise, whatever! Because I'm enjoying this episode so much, I'll keep the "good are evil and vice versa" thing and dump everything else. The gals quickly descend into squabbling, with Piper demanding they follow the Dolt and Big Gay Chris into Bizarroland to drag them back into the real world, Phoebe insisting Piper's in no condition for an adventure, and Raige fretting about the current location of the Pinhead and Even Gayer Big Chris. Snidely, in the guise of being helpful, suggests going after the Pinhead and Even Gayer Chris now, as the longer they remain in our world, the greater the chance they'll do something that would fatally upset the delicate balance between good and evil, or something like that. The gals look worried. Snidely looks dull. Cut to...

the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, where the Pinhead and Even Gayer Big Chris have retired for a processing summit. Even Gayer Chris knocks back a Dos Equis as the Pinhead sneers, "Have you ever seen anything so good?" "It's disgusting," Even Gayer Chris opines. "Can you believe all the liquor stores are closed in the morning?" Because the easy availability of booze equals evilness and sin. Which means I've been living in Bizarro Chicago for the last eighteen years. Even Gayer Chris finishes off his beer and languidly lets the empty bottle drop towards the road deck far below. The Pinhead vaults into some sort of rumination on the similarities between our world and his, but I'm totally not paying attention because I want to find out what happens to that beer bottle. The soundtrack eventually obliges me with a faraway tinkle as the bottle shatters on something below, followed by the screeching of tires, what seems to be a multi-car pileup, and tinny, distant screams. Hee! Even Gayer Chris notes that our world should give his pinheaded father "an idea of the awful, saccharine future" he came from, and his use of the word "saccharine" amuses me to no end. The Bizarro Boys complain some more about their current situation, with Even Gayer Chris noting that they can't rely on "those Pollyanna witches" to reopen the portal (and I really want to see The Bizarro World's version of Pollyanna -- indeed, its version of any Disney movie at all) before Even Gayer Chris seethes, "God! Who do I have to kill so we can get out of here?" You can practically see the lightbulb go off over the Pinhead's, um, head as he squints, "I think I might know somebody. Somebody we can use to force the sisters to help us." Instead of, oh, asking the Pinhead who that certain somebody would be and darklighting off the bridge in search of said person, Even Gayer Chris nods his wig around thoughtfully and gazes out to sea.

Manor. Up in the nonexistent attic, Phoebe's scrying for the Bizarro Boys' current location while Raige gathers a set of Mystical Crysticals with which to trap them once they've found them. They chatter, and not much of it is terribly important, though Raige does mock Snidely's ludicrous accent when she notes, "We wouldn't want the cosmos to stop spinning, now would we?" Phoebe muses that it's odd to imagine their Bizarro counterparts performing the exact same tasks at the moment. As Raige admits that the whole poorly conceived concept hurts her brain, Phoebe's scrying crystal slams down on a set of map coordinates. Raige ambles over to peer over Phoebe's shoulder as she shot cuts to

Even Gayer Chris slamming a metal trash can lid into Detective Doormat's face. The Doormat goes flying into a pile of Convenient Shipping Pallets Of Grave Bodily Injury, howling, "What do you think you're doing? I'm a cop!" "Pretty wimpy-looking one, if you ask me," the Pinhead snorts dismissively. "I think that's the cheapest suit I've ever seen," Even Gayer Chris sneers, easily justifying his nickname. The Doormat's beat to shit, by the way, with various cuts and bruises decorating his puffy face. We learn that the Bizarro Doormat's on the Bizarro Gals' payroll before Even Gayer Chris lifts the Doormat into the air and slams him, head over heels, into a nearby Dumpster. "This almost isn't any fun!" Even Gayer Chris exclaims as the Doormat scrambles around to point his service pistol in the Bizarro Boys' direction, threatening to shoot. "Gun," Even Gayer Chris exaggeratedly enunciates, which only serves to make him that much more enticing. I need help. Even Gayer Chris's darklighting telekinesis kicks in, and the automatic vanishes from the Doormat's hand to reappear in Chris's. Chris aims and makes to squeeze the trigger, but the Pinhead stops him, taking possession of the weapon while reminding his son that they need the Doormat for leverage.

At this moment, Raige orbs in behind the guys with Phoebe, and despite the infernal racket associated with her orb cloud, the Bizarro Boys remain unaware of her presence as she sneakily positions two of the Crysticals on the asphalt. The Doormat starts babbling at the new arrivals as Raige orbs out again. The Bizarro Boys, thinking they whacked the Doormat a little too hard on the head, simply believe he's babbling at a hallucination. Raige orbs back in, quickly sets the remaining Crysticals in place in front of the Bizarro Boys, and the flaring cage of Crystical mojo instantly erupts to trap them. Oh, almost forgot: Phoebe managed to boot the automatic out of the Pinhead's hand. That's sort of important, because, as you'll recall, supernatural force fields don't stop bullets. They do, however, stop Flaming Balls Of Death, such as the one the Pinhead now conjures to hurl at Raige. Even Even Gayer Chris realizes how stupid that particular idea is, and ducks in anticipation of the explosion that naturally occurs when the FBOD slams into the shield. Raige gets quippy with the boys before she and Phoebe approach the Doormat with offers of assistance. The Doormat shouts something annoying and bolts. "Well, I don't think that helped our cause any," Phoebe glums.

Snidely's study. The Snidelys confer over a game of chess. Long story short, Our Snidely intends to send Phoebe and Raige through the portal into Bizarro World while Bizarro Snidely keeps his version of the sisters on his own side of the mirror. This will somehow result in both Pipers falling into labor a couple of days early, or something, thereby facilitating both Psychos' untimely demise at the hands of the Snidelys. Gah. I don't understand any of this. If the Pipers give birth a day earlier than they're supposed to, wouldn't that lead to the destruction of both Big Chrises? And how is jamming up Bizarro World with five Charmed Ones going to make it easier for Bizarro Snidely to off the Psycho? Whatever. The supposedly relevant point to all of this is that the presence of two Raiges and two Phoebes in one world threatens to upset the balance in both, so whatever course of action the Snidelys pursue must be a quick one. Our Snidely takes Bizarro Snidely's queen by telekinetically sending one of his knights to shatter the piece. I've totally seen that effect before somewhere, but I'm not going to waste time trying to remember because I've got a Phoebe to deal with. Our Phoebe bellows for Snidely from out in the hall. Bizarro Snidely notes there's "no echo," which both Snidelys interpret as a good sign, for it means the Bizarro Gals have remained in the Bizarro Manor as Bizarro Snidely told them to do. The Snidelys break for the round of manipulation.

Our Snidely arrives in the library to greet Phoebe and Raige, who inform him that they've trapped the Pinhead and Even Gayer Big Chris in one of the classrooms, from which they can't for some reason darklight out. Snidely convinces Phoebe and Raige that their Bizarro counterparts have likely done the exact same thing, and so the easiest way to get the Bizarro Boys to cooperate is to have the Bizarro Gals enter our world to escort the Bizarro Boys back to theirs. God, I hope that made sense. It did in my head, but seeing it typed out makes me question my sanity. In any event, this of course requires Phoebe and Raige to enter The Bizarro World themselves to fetch the Dolt and Big Gay Chris. Trusting Snidely, the gals agree to the plan. "Get Piper," Phoebe orders Snidely. "We're gonna need the Power of Three."

Cut to Bizarro Not!warts, where the chalk triquatra flares and enlarges to disgorge Phoebe and Raige. They see a lot of medieval armor and weaponry but no Bizarro Piper, and so quickly realize something's wrong. Bizarro Snidely announces his invisible presence by hurling a Flaming Ball Of Death at their heads, which the gals dodge by ducking. Bizarro Snidely materializes to approach them with a hissy "What are you doing? You're not supposed to be here!" Phoebe and Raige spin around in time to watch the portal flare shut.

Cut to Our Not!warts, where Piper's just witnessed the same thing. "Why didn't they come through?" she worries before wincing in pain and clutching at her bloated midsection. Snidely helps her to a chair, urging her to take it easy, as they wouldn't want her entering "premature labor," like, you douchebag. She's full-term. It would not, therefore, be premature. Jackass. Snidely stares menacingly at the nearby strollered Psycho before vanishing into the commercial break.

Bizarro Not!warts. Bizarro Snidely gets both frisky with the exposition and inappropriately close to Phoebe and Raige. The exposition we've already heard. The inappropriate closeness, however, is new, and inappropriately amusing. Raige wonders why their doppelgangers haven't already found Big Gay Chris and the Dolt. Bizarro Snidely lies that due to the exchange of boys, the parallelism of the two worlds has been thrown off. Now with two Phoebes and two Raiges in the same world, even worse things could happen. Bizarro Snidely illustrates this point with inappropriate hand gestures that make it look like he's feeling up a pair of imaginary boobs. Heh. Inappropriate touching follows as Bizarro Snidely suggests they set aside their differences to solve their current dilemma. Hee. Phoebe bats his hands away and insists she and Raige have everything under control. All they need do, she argues, is find Bizarro Piper to reactivate the portal. Bizarro Snidely cautions that should they find Bizarro Piper, the latter will likely slaughter them on sight. "She's evil, remember?" he prompts. "She's got a terrible temper," he adds, gossiping. "Even worse when she's pregnant." Phoebe and Raige glance at each other and are all, "Yeah, not too different from ours, then." Heh. More blather as Bizarro Snidely removes an imaginary piece of lint from Phoebe's top, right above the left Fun Bag. Snork. After far too much blithering of the "It's a different world!" sort, Phoebe and Raige clasp hands to orb out in search of Big Gay Chris and the Dolt.

Bizarro Prescott Street, which looks like a slum, which means the crack house door to the Manor is finally appropriate to the setting. As the camera pans up from a pack of rats squirming atop an overturned metal drum, we get an eyeful of sere lawns, damaged trees, cracked pavement, and filthy, abandoned cars. I'm assuming a majority of this shot has been digitally altered, as I doubt the production team went into Echo Park and destroyed all of those gardens for this sequence, and I've got to say the effect is seamless. Then again, as Raige and Phoebe amble down the sidewalk during the chatter that follows, the ruined, garbage-strewn lawns look awfully real, so maybe those bastards did waste a ton of money destroying the neighborhood for a four-minute scene.

The gals evaluate the Bizarro Manor faade for the briefest of moments before deciding not to enter, figuring that Big Gay Chris and the Dolt wouldn't have, either. They scamper to avoid various criminal types as a cab cruises by with an advertisement for Bizarro Phoebe's advice column. "Ask Phoebe," it says. "Read meor else." Yeah, funnier the first time around. Phoebe and Raige decide to track down Bizarro Doormat, for some reason believing he'll be of assistance in this world when he's not in theirs. Whatever. Raige whips out her cell phone to see if it works in the parallel universe. Surprisingly enough, it does, so she rings up Bizarro Trudeau Memorial. Before she gets a chance to talk to anyone, though, the two spot the Bizarro Patrolman approaching Bizarro Mrs. Noble to gripe and bitch about how much it's going to cost her in bribes for him to issue another citation to Bizarro Phoebe. Bizarro Noble's sporting an all-black sweatsuit here, by the way. Because she's evil. Long story short, the Bizarro Patrolman roughly shoves Bizarro Noble to the ground, but quickly retreats when he spots Phoebe and Raige, mistaking them for their supposedly supremely wicked counterparts. Phoebe tries to help Bizarro Noble to her feet, but the neighbor lady screams at the sight of the Feebs and flees of her own volition. "We must be some bad-ass witches in this world," Phoebe guesses. "Remember that for when we meet up with bad-ass [Doormat]," Raige smirks.

Cut to Bizarro P3, otherwise known as Bada PPPing, for yes, it is a strip club. And unlike the last strip club we saw on this show, Bada PPPing actually looks like one, for though the various pole dancers are attired in a broadcast-appropriate manner, none of them are wearing granny panties. The camera tracks through dozens of extras before landing on Phoebe and Raige, who have just arrived on the main floor. They spot Bizarro Doormat receiving a lap dance -- yes, a lap dance, at seven-thirty on a Sunday evening, like, fry in Hell, Kern -- and muscle their way over to confront him, or something. I totally don't care, because the Doormat's presence in this episode is almost entirely unnecessary, and this scene is pointless as far as the plot is concerned, mainly because Bizarro Doormat is of no assistance in locating Big Gay Chris and the Dolt. In fact, this scene's sole purpose seems to be establishing the fact that Bizarro Sheridan is a pole dancer, like, in what way does that mirror our world? Aside from the vast amounts of sexism inherent in the decision to portray a Doormat-threatening female in such a manner, of course. Anyway, after playing rough with Bizarro Doormat for a bit and getting nothing out of him, the gals retreat for a strategy session. Phoebe realizes that the Dolt would have sought out the most powerful force of good he could find in this world. Which means? A demon, of course, in the Bizarro Underworld. Which demon?

Why, Bizarro Barbas, naturally, appearing here as the white-garbed "Demon Of Hope" in his lush, underground garden. They've slung Billy Drago into a Nehru jacket. Neither this, nor his unchanged performance style of gargling on any piece of scenery available, gives me much hope at all. Our boys quickly learn that Bizarro Barbas hasn't the power necessary to return them to their own world, and aside from the obnoxious overacting from Drago, that's about it for this scene until Phoebe and Raige orb in, delighted to have found their guys. Our Boys assure the alarmed Bizarro Barbas that the new arrivals are their Phoebe and Raige, not his. "Trust us," Big Gay Chris emphasizes, "they're not evil." "No," comes the predictable reply from the suddenly appearing Bizarro Feebs, "but we are." A moment for Bizarro nicknames for these two, because typing "Bizarro" all the time is making me weary. In honor of the hairstyle, Bizarro Phoebe shall be "Phauxhawk." In honor of absolutely nothing, really, Bizarro Raige shall be Baige, for she's rather bland. Phauxhawk and Baige's entrance results in a moment of supposedly tense silence in Bizarro Barbas's lush garden retreat, until the screen flares white and we head back to

Our Not!warts, where the preternaturally patient Mrs. Winterbourne is coaching a resistant Piper through her breathing exercises. Piper's curled up on a vast, canopied bed, wincing in pain as each contraction hits. Upon Snidely's arrival, we learn that Piper's water's already broken, and it's Mrs. Winterbourne's advice that they get her to the hospital immediately. Snidely lies that he hasn't seen Phoebe and Raige in quite some time, and urges Piper to follow Mrs. Winterbourne's advice. Piper frets, because who shall look after the perpetually imperiled Psycho, currently ensconced in his product-placed playpen across the room? "Don't worry," Snidely murmurs. "I'll take care of him." He shoots the Psycho a shady glare before disappearing into the final commercial break.

Bizarro Barbas's Underground Arboreal Retreat. Staring. Glaring. Staring some more. Finally, Phoebe breaks the ice by noting, "Nice knuckles. Brass?" "No," Phauxhawk replies. "Tiffany's." Okay, that's a little funny. The gals snipe at each other for a very long time, Bizarro Barbas makes like a hippie by urging them to work through their differences peacefully, and the ladies finally retreat to separate good-versus-evil corners to strategize. The individual sessions are quickly intercut with each other, and we realize both sets of gals are having the exact same conversation, which is far more entertaining than it has any right to be. While each pair would like to vanquish the other, they understand that doing so would fatally upset the balance between the worlds, so they agree to knock the other set out in order to flee the scene with Big Gay Chris and the Dolt. "Good," the Raiges conclude, "we'll orb out and grab them from behind." The Raiges and Phoebes turn back towards each other in unison, clasping hands and dissolving into clouds of orbs and, uh, Darklighter stuff at the same time. The two clouds rise to smash into each other above the center of the garden, with the resulting explosion sending each cloud back to from whence it originated to dump the Phoebes and Raiges on their respective asses. "That sucked," opines Phauxhawk. "I'll take mine, you take yours," Phoebe instructs Raige. Phauxhawk stalks past Raige to engage in a little Feeb-fu with her doppelganger as Baige conjures a Darklighter crossbow and begins shooting arrows at Raige. Raige hollers, "Arrow!" over and over again, sending the things to the ground with her orbing telekinesis. Meanwhile, in a quick and fairly well done combat sequence, Alyssa Milano basically fights herself for all of ten seconds. I think they limited it to ten seconds because they knew they couldn't maintain the illusion any longer than that, but you know what? For once they've made the right decision, so let's keep this moving, shall we?

Baige, realizing the futility of her situation, drops the crossbow and searches for a more effective weapon. She and Raige arrive at the same idea simultaneously, and both summon nearby rocks with their different forms of telekinesis. The rocks collide in midair above the guys' heads with enough force to send a shockwave through the garden. As Raige and Baige summon ever larger boulders for the few go-rounds, Bizarro Barbas, Big Gay Chris, and the Dolt slide into slow motion to dive out of the way, landing in a pit of dirt nearby. "When [Snidely] said something could go wrong with the portal," Big Chris pants, "I don't think he knew how wrong." Bizarro Barbas is all, "[Snidely]? Not knowing how wrong this all is? Surely you jest." Big Gay Chris and the Dolt make "uh oh" faces at each other.

Flash to Our Not!warts. Piper, apparently, has left the building, and Snidely now too casually ambles over to the Psycho's product-placed playpen. The Psycho instantly erects his protective shield. "That won't protect you for long," Snidely threatens, then -- I don't know, sinks his fingers into the shield, or something, and pink-orbs out of there.

Bizarro Barbas's Underground Arboreal Retreat. The Phoebes tussle. The Raiges hurl rocks at each other, spraying the crouching boys with debris. Bizarro Barbas reveals that Bizarro Snidely "was desperately hoping to eliminate" Bizarro Psycho. Meanwhile, the pairs of gals have stalemated, and as the Phoebes pant and growl at each other, the Raiges' cell phones ring. They answer in unison to find Bizarro Piper on the other end, and no, I don't know how one call is hitting two phones, but there are only five minutes left in this half, so I'm going to ignore bit of stupidity to transcribe Bizarro Piper's call: "Where the hell are you?" she grouses. "I'm in labor. Get your ass down here!" "I'm on my way," the Raiges respond as one. "We have to go get Piper," they tell the Phoebes. "And [the Psycho]," adds the Dolt, popping up from his hiding place with Big Gay Chris and Bizarro Barbas. The Phoebes squint at him.

Manor, Non-Bizarro Division, Nonexistent Attic Subsection. A truly horrific shot straight up Gildart Jackson's nose greets us as we arrive, for the camera's doing something quirky and off-kilter and vaguely ominous as Snidely shouts the following:

Wanton Powers: In this blade yield!
Penetrate that which would shield!

Of course, he ignores the proper punctuation to deliver that first line as, "Wanton powers in this blade yield," so I'm all, "Why would he want the blade's wanton powers to yield to the Psycho's shield? Ignorant jackass." In any event, the camera has swirled around beneath his nostrils during all of this until it cuts to a much broader shot of Snidely standing at the Book of Shadows, addressing an athame that hangs in mid-air. The athame glows, and props to the lighting designer -- Snidely's face glows the same color, and the glow's source is coming from the correct angle. It's the little things that make an episode good. Snidely plucks the blade from the air and slowly stalks over to the Psycho, who's plunked down in the middle of the room, surrounded by his pulsing little shield. Snidely kneels and plunges the dagger into the shimmering blue bubble, piercing the surface and sucking the entire thing into the weapon through some sort of sporking, electrical mojo. "I'm truly sorry," Snidely apologizes, not sounding terribly sorry at all, "but this is for the greater good." You asshole. The kid's twenty-one months old. He has no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Incidentally, the dead-eyed freak on the floor seems entirely unconcerned with what's going on. This kid is Satanic. Anyway, Snidely rises to skewer the Psycho with the dagger, but the Psycho, of course, has other plans. Using his own orbing telekinesis, he yanks the knife from Snidely's hands and plants it in Snidely's chest. Snidely howls and makes gurgling noises as he drags the thing out of his chest and hoists it once more above his head.

Just then, the sounds of coordinated Glamorous Lady chanting hit the soundtrack, but Snidely's screaming so loudly as his face blisters and sizzles that I totally can't hear the freaking spell the Phoebes and Raiges are currently reciting over in the Bizarro Manor's nonexistent attic. Thank God we have the lovely and talented Nulla Salus around, as she's already transcribed the verse for her website:

We call upon ancient lore
To punish with the Power of Four.
Strike down this threat from both there and here:
Make him suffer, then disappear.

I do so like to be thorough, don't you know. In any event, both Snidelys manage to teleport themselves away from the Manors before the spell vanquishes them. Oooh. Get this: In The Bizarro World, the dead-eyed sociopath is actually capable of showing emotion. In this case, stark, screaming trauma, but hey. You take what you can get. Bizarro Psycho's howling himself red in the face, and I'd really like to know what they did to the child actor to elicit this response. No, seriously. It'll be good for a laugh, because I hate kids. The Phoebes as one move to scoop the kid up to comfort him, but Phoebe acquiesces and allows Phauxhawk to continue on alone. The Dolt races into the room to retrieve the dagger from the floor as Baige smirkily notes, "Looks like [the Psycho] can handle himself." "Not for long," the Dolt warns, adding that Snidely's one of the most powerful of the ever-useless Elders. If he wants the kid dead, he'll find a way to do it. Big Gay Chris outrages something about betrayal while the Phoebes and the Raiges realize they can open the portal and restore the balance between the two worlds by using "the Power of Four." The Raiges retreat to the far wall, and Rose McGowan's body double hands her a piece of chalk so they can together trace another triquatra.

Snidely's study. The Snidelys heal each other, with Bizarro Snidely finding much less pleasure in the procedure this time around. The finally break apart and bitch at each other. Well, Bizarro Snidely's doing most of the bitching, but they're supposedly of like mind, so you do the math. Bizarro Snidely notes with barely suppressed fury that the imbalance between the worlds "has caused a shift in both." Our Snidely quickly determines that they can use said shift to their advantage to distract everyone "whilst" they have another go at the Psycho. As they created the imbalance, they can correct it, the argument goes, and when they do that, they'll ensure "the sisters forget everything." Bizarro Snidely rather theatrically swirls his academic robe around and flounces out of his study. Our Snidely broods. God, he's boring.

Manor, nonexistent attic. The chalk triquatra which shouldn't be there, because no one was there to draw it, but whatever, because we only have a minute and a half to go, flares and expands to disgorge Our Manor Morons. The Dolt sends Big Gay Chris to fetch the Pinhead and Even Gayer Big Chris from Not!warts to send them through before the portal closes. As Big Chris orbs out, the Dolt hurries over to scoop up the Psycho, who, unlike his Bizarro counterpart, remains preternaturally undisturbed by recent events. Yeah, I think this Psycho's going to turn out evil no matter what happens in this world, much as his doppelganger's going to end up good no matter what happens in his. Or is this Psycho's lack of a reaction far too subtle a clue for this show? You decide. Phoebe and Raige race for the exit, as they've realized their Piper must be at the hospital. The Dolt cuddles his wee little demented mulleted serial killer. The serial killer in question clearly couldn't give a rat's ass whether his idiot father lives or dies.

Downstairs, Phoebe and Raige fling open the front door and stop short in surprise. The shot cuts to give us their view of the street below, and oh, my God, what a shitty effect. There's this massive, CGI rainbow arcing through the middle of the screen, partially obscuring one of the houses across the street. Phoebe and Raige glance over the too-chipper passersby in their bright, primary-colored clothing until Mrs. Noble yoo-hoos! her way up the front steps with a jarringly toothy smile plastered across her face. Phoebe apologizes for not moving her car sooner, but Mrs. Noble shushes her, mindful of the fact that Phoebe's "a busy, busy, busy girl!" Raige splutters something about Piper going into labor as the Patrolman from earlier, now clad in bright blue pants with a matching tie and cap over a searingly white shirt, moseys on up the steps, followed by a throng of smiling extras in similarly hideous clothing. "I won't park there again!" Phoebe beams. "I promise." "That's right!" the Patrolman perks through a grin. "I know you won't!" Then he takes out a gun and shoots her in the tits. No, seriously. No. Seriously. After all the selfish, self-centered, shrewish behavior Phoebe's exhibited over the last six years, she finally gets gunned down over a parking spot. But, hey, like I said before: You take what you can get. "Wrongs Must Be Righted!" the Patrolman chimes as Mrs. Noble encourages them to "Have a super day!" while Phoebe collapses to the floor of the porch in Raige's arms. Raige starts screaming for help -- rather half-heartedly, if you ask me, and while you could argue she's in shock, I'd find it just as likely she secretly wants Phoebe dead just as much of the rest of us do -- as the camera swooshes out to take in the shiny, happy people going about their daily business after having just witnessed a summary execution, before the screen cuts abruptly to black.

up: More of the same. Well, that and something so awful, IIIsob.