The Courtship Of Wyatt's Father

Fade up on a horde of grinning yuppies toting their rugrats through the balloon-festooned front door of Halliwell Manor. Seems the littlest Psycho's first-birthday party is in the process of breaking up three weeks after it should have occurred, and Piper and the Dolt stand in the main hall, doling out goodie bags to the remaining yuppies as they pass by on their way out of the house. Piper is drawing these goodie bags from a large and festive "Happy Birthday" sack she clutches against her torso to disguise the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, by now, four hundred and forty-seven weeks pregnant, but oops! Combs leans a little too far over at one point and inadvertently exposes her stomach. In a side view. And yeah, she really does look like a woman who's been pregnant for eight and a half years and counting. Girl is huge. She's going to drop that kid right there on the set if she's not careful. As Aaron Spelling deducts several thousand dollars from Combs's weekly paycheck because she had the gall to appear in one of his productions while visibly pregnant, Piper and the Dolt natter away with two of the remaining yuppie couples, and it's boring, so I'll note that one of the couples who just passed through the door was quite casually interracial, with the dad grinning hugely as he and his mixed-race toddler exited towards the porch. I mention this only because I recently read an article in the San Francisco Chronicle wherein a professor at Berkeley was being interviewed regarding the 3,200 marriage licenses issued to gay couples at City Hall in the last two weeks. She noted that most of her students were unaware that interracial marriage was illegal throughout the United States, generally with Biblical justifications, until California became the first jurisdiction to allow it in 1948, and that some of those same students "sort of gasp[ed]" in shock when they learned such marriages remained illegal in many parts of the country as late as 1967, when the Supreme Court struck down the miscegenation laws that then remained in the appropriately named Loving v. Virginia decision. One of the things not mentioned in the article is that an unenforceable anti-interracial-marriage provision existed in the Alabama state constitution until 2000, when voters in that state finally removed it. Just tossing all that out there to amuse you until something actually happens in this episode, which should be right about

now. Sort of. Piper tiredly shuts the front doors after the last of the yuppie couples have exited, and she and the Dolt yammer at the Psycho about what a good boy he was, with Piper adding that she only froze the room once during the entire party. They don't mention why Piper had to freeze the room, but I'm guessing the Psycho got into a non-verbal dispute with another of the rugrats over a chew toy and was on the verge of impaling his fellow brat with a telekinetically flung cake knife when his mother intervened. The kid's a lunatic, is all I'm saying. The Dolt deludes himself, claiming his elder son's murderous over-exuberance was due purely to the birthday party itself. Piper parries that the littlest Psycho "was excited to see you. He misses you." "I know," the Dolt breathes, gazing at the wee sociopath in his arms. "I miss him too."

Raige chooses this moment to amble in from the kitchen with an offer of more champagne. "We don't want it to go to waste," she adds. "How about it, Dad?" "Elders aren't allowed to drink," the Dolt replies, like, that didn't stop you from chugging down a couple of free Coronas at your ex-wife's bar, jackass. Shut up, Dolt. Raige persists, arguing that when the Dolt's "on Earth, [he] should do as earthlings do," but the Dolt declines once more. Piper thanks Raige for all the work she did on the party, but wonders what gives with all the champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and oysters on display. "Aren't the kids a little young for the aphrodisiacs?" Raige pretends -- badly -- not to have known about the supposed horny-making properties of the items Piper's just listed, babbles something stupid about how the Manor needs more kids running around underfoot so she might better understand their culinary needs, and whips around to retreat back into the kitchen. The Dolt wrinkles his nose at Piper. "She's been weird since she changed her hair color," Piper shrugs before adding after a bit of thought, "She'll probably change it back." And you know something? I totally didn't notice that Rose McGowan had dyed her hair a sort-of auburn brown until Piper let loose with that line. It's probably because I was distracted throughout that scene by Raige's hideous, yellow-and-grey tube top. Or maybe I was waiting for something of importance to happen. We're already two minutes in, guys. Get it moving already, will you?

Raige clomps into the kitchen with a stack of dirty dishes to inform Phoebe that Piper "knows [they're] up to something." Raige sets the dishes near the sink and crosses to the center island to sigh, "I can't believe how hard it is to get two people laid." "That is disgusting!" Phoebe eye-rolls, and I'm torn, because it is abhorrently disgusting as only a reference to Dolt Sex can be, but then again: Phoebe? Squeamish about matters carnal? Pull the other one. "We are trying to romance Piper and [the Dolt] together," Phoebe corrects, "so they can conceive [Big Gay] Chris, our nephew." Raige is all, "And this is different from what I saidhow, exactly?" "What you said is very Springer," Phoebe flusters. "What I said is very Oprah." Raige, rather than clawing Phoebe's eyes out with her fingernails for implying she's no better than the gutter trash that appear on Springer, chooses to remain somewhat calm as she reminds Phoebe that they're running out of time. The two agree to summon the big gay one to update him on the Dolt Sex sitch. Phoebe bellows at the ceiling, and my husband presently orbs in, all, "So how's it going?" and I don't really care what the answer is, because HE FINALLY CUT HIS HAIR! Hooray! It's still a little flippy in the back there, not unlike Jack McPhee's scary mini-mullet at the beginning of the fifth season of Dawson's, but I'll not be complaining, as it's a damn sight better than the assy mess Chris has been tossing around for the last five episodes. In any event, Raige cringes and admits, "Not so good." She's talking about the prospects for his conception, not his hair. Just so we're clear on that. Big Gay Chris freaks. "It has to happen today, or I don't happen!" he panics. "Today?" Phoebe repeats with a bit of disbelief coloring her tone. Yep. Chris "did the math," and if he's not conceived by midnight, he won't be born, no one will travel to the past from 2026 to warn the Glamorous Ladies of Mangy Jesus and his reign of terror, cats will lie down with dogs, the world will end with a whimper, yada yada, doom. Chris suggests slipping the parentals a love potion. Raige immediately shoots this down, but does not explain why. Perhaps it's for the same mysterious and annoying reason she broke up with Buttfuck, but the less said about him, the better. Phoebe suggests that they simply explain the situation to Piper and the Dolt and hope the two take appropriate action. "And give them a massive case of performance anxiety," Raige snorts dismissively. The kitchen three mope for a bit until the familiar sounds of demonic hijinks reach their ears from the Manor's main hall.

The Real Manor, attic division. Phoebe slams the Book of Shadows shut in frustration and growls in despair. She and Raige bang their weeny little skulls together and eventually figure out that the bus driver actually saw the Dolt when he flatlined in the hospital, which must of course mean I somehow banished Piper and the Dolt to Limbo or somewhere by means of a fake vanquish. Phoebe, reenergized, flips through the Book for a relevant entry on ghosts.

The shot cuts to take in the Bay Bridge at dusk, brightly lit and laden with evening rush-hour traffic as the lights of Oakland twinkle in the distance. Suddenly, everything winks out as we return to The Ghastly Plane, and the now-deserted bridge looms ominously in the growing darkness. That was pretty cool. Elsewhere, Piper and the Dolt huddle together on a gloomy rooftop, hiding from me while the Dolt tends to Piper's wound. The Dolt strips off his shirt and "manfully" shreds it with his bare hands to fashion a bandage for Piper's arm. "Wow," she breathes. "Impressed?" he laughs. "Very," she replies. They exchange A Look Fraught With Significance before Piper breaks the staring contest to note that she imagined the afterworld would include "meadows [and] waterfalls, maybe even a harp." The Dolt grins and explains that The Ghastly Plane isn't really the afterworld -- "it's a place before that to ease the transition," and I'm not sure how comforting that would be to, say, someone who met his end in a Nazi gas chamber. Or a California gas chamber, for that matter. Or inside the hull of the Arizona. Or trapped in the elevator on the Lusitania twenty miles off the Irish coast, or crushed beneath a slag heap in Wales, or in any one of the millions of horrible places where people have died over the centuries. Bad, bad Brad Kern. Think these things through before you put them in the script, 'kay?

Needless to say, such unpleasant thoughts do not trouble Piper's mind, because she's apparently had a lobotomy especially for this episode, and so the two reminisce about their relationship, flirting subtly with each other the entire time. During all of the eye-fucking, they guess that I opened a portal masked by the fake vanquish, and that's how I knocked them into The Ghastly Plane. They also realize that someone must be helping me, because Darklighters don't have the sort of power necessary to manipulate the various planes of existence. Or do I? Mua ha ha ha ha ha. Piper wonders if the portal's still back in the alleyway. The Dolt supposes it is, but the real question is, how do they access it without their powers? "By making Phoebe and [Raige] use theirs," Piper duhs. "Why can't we haunt them, you know? Make contact like other ghosts do?" The Dolt stammers an explanation that isn't, involving the difficulty most ghosts have in making the necessary connections with the living, so Piper cuts through the crap by claiming that her sisterly bond should make things much easier. The Dolt concedes her point, and the two rise to head back to The Ghastly Manor, as Phoebe and Raige are likely abusing the Book of Shadows at that very minute. "That's probably where the Darklighter will be waiting for us," the Dolt cautions. "He knows us. He's studied us." Well, I know you, but there was little study involved. Just ninety-one recaps. And counting. By the way, thanks for making me look, you bastard.

And sure enough, there I am waiting for them, perched with my crossbow on the gabled roof of the death house across Prescott from The Ghastly Manor, eyeing the darkened attic windows on the other side of the street. Or rather, I would be eyeing the darkened attic windows on the other side of the street if the house they use for the exteriors matched up with the sets they constructed for the show. There's no attic atop the house on Carroll Avenue near Echo Park. No, seriously. Go back and look. You've got the second floor with the window to Piper's supposed bedroom facing the street, and then immediately above it, the roof. I'm ashamed of myself for never noticing that before. Stupid fucking show. By the way, some smartass in the set decoration department has placed a weathervane topped by a large cast-iron cat on the roof just over my right shoulder. Get it? A black cat? No, do you get it, because I don't mind -- I can wait right here until you do. Or, you know, wait right here until the script tells me I have to fire off the shot that shatters through the non-existent attic window to kill the Dolt. Whichever comes first.

The Real Manor. Big Gay Chris, now completely transparent, passes through a wall to enter the main parlor from the hall. "Whoa," he Keanus. "Not good." "It's almost time, Chris," calls an off-screen voice, and Chris turns to find Magical Black Clarence lurking in the foyer. Chris freaks and tries to hide, and to Feigenbaum's credit, when Big Gay Chris angles himself into a birthday-balloon-crowded niche to a mirror mounted on the wall, the balloons don't move, and Chris casts no reflection in the glass. Normally, they'd screw something like that up. Oh, please -- you know they would. Feigenbaum still needs to keep his skeevy hands off my husband, though. The lecher. Anyway, Chris's little game of hide-and-go-seek is all for naught, for Magical Black Clarence, you see, is "an angel of death," sent to make "this" a little easier for Big Gay Chris. Magical Black Clarence travels with a fucking backup band of his own, apparently, and I'm having a hard time hearing the dialogue above the unearthly caterwauling of his all-male choir, so I'll stick to a description of the action. Magical Black Clarence offers Transparent Gay Chris his hand to escort him to wherever it is that people who were born, travel back in time, and screw up their timeline to the point that they no longer exist go. Transparent Chris is all, "You stay away from me!" with the pointing and such as he scurries up the stairs. Magical Black Clarence shrugs and bides his time in the foyer.

Meanwhile, up in the attic, Phoebe's lighting a circle of candles on the floor, as she and Raige intend to summon Piper and the Dolt through a sance. Transparent Gay Chris enters, because the script said he had to. Phoebe and Raige sigh at his translucence, then recite the following Raige-penned spell:

Sister spirit, we call to thee:
Cross on over so we may see.

Transparent Gay Chris instantly disappears. "Wait," Phoebe guhs. "That wasn't supposed to happen, was it?" Raige pouts.

The Ghastly Plane. I stare from my perch at the non-existent attic windows as Piper and the Dolt enter the non-existent room in question. Chris on! "What are you doing here?" the Dolt wonders. "Ceasing to exist, I think," Chris stammers. Chris off!

The Real Non-Existent Attic. Chris on! "I just saw Piper and [the Dolt]," he informs his aunts. Chris off!

The Ghastly Non-Existent Attic. Chris on! He hastily explains to the parentals that he's their only connection to Phoebe and Raige, and the latter need to know how to get Piper and the Dolt back to the real world. Chris off!

The Real Non-Existent Attic. Chris on! He babbles an explanation about the portal just as Gustave and Daniel darklight into the room. Phoebe and Raige spin around to confront my fellow recappers as the guys level their crossbows.

The Ghastly Non-Existent Attic. The Dolt wanders over to the non-existent windows as I adjust the little scope on my crossbow to aim directly at his chest. By the way, for the purposes of this POV through my scope, the production staff has decided to pretend that Piper's bedroom window leads into the attic. Assholes. Peeved, I squeeze off a shot. At the last minute, the stupid Dolt pivots to look back at Piper, and the arrow slices clean through his shoulder. He of course unleashes his patented Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Anguish And Torment before dropping to the floor. Piper rushes to his side and drags him from the room as I smirk in triumph.

The Real Non-Existent Attic. Phoebe and Raige pop up from behind Aunt Pearl's settee to flip a couple of vials at Gustave and Stee, who pretend to blaze their merry way straight down to Hell. Phoebe instantly realizes that Piper has left the building. Meanwhile, Transparent Gay Chris grows ever fainter. He rather calmly bids them farewell as he fades out completely. Phoebe and Raige just stand there with mouths agape as the screen flares white and we bounce back to

The Ghastly Plane. Piper and the Dolt have returned to the alleyway, and the grievously injured Dolt now frets about finding the portal on their own. "What are you doing?" Piper asks, more concerned about his injury than her own safety. "Trying to save you," he gasps. "You mean, you're trying to save us," she replies. "Don't you?" The Dolt's silence unnerves her, so she forces him to sit down on a handy stoop and suggests that since the arrow blew straight through his body, he might be okay. "It'll just take longer," he reminds her. He exhorts her to keep trying to contact Phoebe and Raige, no matter what happens to him. Piper, not having it, and already brittle due to the stress of the situation, snaps, "Would you please stop trying to save me?" Her expression indicates that she's instantly sorry for letting that slip. The Dolt smiles sadly and whispers, "I'm sorry I got you into this." "Yeah," she cracks, averting her eyes, "one ordeal after another, right?" The Dolt gets misty and reaches out to touch her cheek as Piper bites her lower lip and begins to cry. "I never stopped loving you," he finally -- finally -- admits, and the legions of people who actually care about this relationship cheer as Piper dives in for a kiss. And by "the legions of," I mean "the three." The camera discreetly fades to black just as these two bozos hurl themselves into a bout of Crisis Sex right there in the cold, dark alley. Is this supposed to be romantic? I should have aimed for the fucker's skull.

Not!warts. Gideon enters his study to find Raige and Phoebe waiting for him. The gals babble out a brief and incoherent recap of recent events, and ask for his help. Gideon chooses instead to speechify about what a moron the Dolt is for remaining on Earth after his promotion. Raige cuts through the crap to note that they know where the portal is; they just don't know how to reverse it. Gideon strides over to a nearby table, rummages around for a moment, and returns to present them with a book open to an entry entitled, "Everything You Wanted To Know About Portals But Were Afraid To Ask." I want to die. "Handy," Raige perks. Shut up, Raige.

The Ghastly Plane, the morning. A post-coital yet mercifully clothed Dolt stands at the mouth of the alley, waiting for me to amble on in to finish the job, I suppose. Piper, curled up in a corner behind him and employing her jacket as a makeshift blanket to disguise the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, by now, four hundred and seventy weeks pregnant, wakes up and greets him. The Dolt attempts to initiate the mandatory awkward post-Crisis-Sex apology, but Piper cuts him off, insisting she has no regrets about what transpired the evening. The Dolt smiles and agrees with the whole no-regrets thing, then plonks himself down by her side to launch into a very, very long monologue that basically amounts to "And I-eeeee-IIIIIIIIIIIII! Have always loved you-oo-oo-oo-oo!" It's endless, and pains me deeply. At some point, he manages to squeeze in the fact that because he's now accepted his destiny as an ever-useless Elder, he's dumping her again. Romance! Hey, don't look at me. You people are the ones who wanted these two to get back together. Brad Kern just gave you what you asked for.

In any event, I finally enter to put a stop to this nonsense. The Dolt rises to protect the woman he just knocked up but is dumping anyway, and I make some empty threats against Piper's life while training my crossbow on the lumpy-headed moron as the color starts bleeding back into the scene, along with various noises from the street outside. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," Raige calls out from somewhere behind me, leading me to jump and spin around to face her. "'Cause this time I'll vanquish you for real," Raige finishes as Phoebe smirks by her side. They stride into the alleyway as Piper cheerfully snipes, "Well, it's about time!" "Who sent you?" Phoebe demands. I vamp for time until Glark darklights onto the roof above, sets his beer down, and "sporks" me with an arrow. I howl and wail and head down to The Waste Land, where Sars greets me kindly with a much-needed scotch and soda. ["Least I could do." -- Sars] Topside, Glark retrieves his brewski and darklights the hell on out of there.

The second we're gone, Big Gay Chris flickers into the alleyway, and I'm guessing he didn't reappear until now because it took The Stupid Dolt Sperm that long to find the appropriate egg. Big Chris immediately and ecstatically pumps both of his fists into the air with joy while shouting, "Yessss! I'm back!" Oh, Chris. You're so cute when you're trying to be butch. "Wait," Phoebe splutters. "How is that possible?" "Don't ask me," Chris shrugs. "Ask them." Before anyone present gets to quiz Piper and the Dolt on their recent bout of Crisis Sex, the Dolt collapses to the ground. Raige scampers over to orb both Piper and the Dolt over to Gideon, who is apparently the only person around who can heal him.

A hill. Alcatraz. The Golden Gate Bridge. The Dolt stands high above the traffic whizzing by on the deck below as Gideon orbs in beside him and wow! BORING! The Dolt pouts about heading to Whitelighterland permanently. Gideon wastes precious oxygen speechifying about the necessity of sacrifice, or some such bullshit. The Dolt caves and orbs upwards. Gideon broods. Yawn.

P3. Magical Black Clarence sneaks up on Big Gay Chris in the club's office, but he's just there to wish Chris well, and to remind him that he's "been given a second chance." "Don't waste it," Magical Black Clarence adds before turning to flare out, never to be seen again. Big Gay Chris gazes thoughtfully after him. Big Gay Chris also has a big old hateful rainbow on his button-down shirt. Hee. It's like this whole episode has been one giant shout-out to me. Brad, you shouldn't have. No really, you shouldn't have, because I'm still giving it a B.

we zip over to TWoP Towers, where Gideon's annoying Glark. Shit. Just ban him, dude. He deserves it after interrupting that last scene. Oh, I'm sorry. I neglected to endow that moment with the proper amounts of surprise and -- how shall I put this? -- DUN! that it deserved. I'll try again: Over at TWoP Towers, Gideon's annoying Glark, who really should just ban his evil ass already and join the rest of us down in The Waste Land for the Sex And The City finale. I'm sorry. I can't pretend I didn't know Gideon was evil from the moment he popped up onscreen with his British accent and those nasty chin pubes. Whatever. Glark, feigning interest, wonders what the point of tonight's exercise was if the Dolt remains alive. Gideon replies that they succeeded in getting the Dolt out of the way, and that's all he really wanted. And why is that? Because the ever-useless Elders "made a mistake in allowing [the Psycho] to be born, in allowing such a concentration of power to be brought into this world in one being, but now that [the Dolt] is gone and the Charmed Ones are unaware, [Gideon's] one step closer to being able to correct that mistake for good." Glark, frankly, could not care less if he tried. Nor could the rest of us, my man. Stupid show.

And there are no new episodes for quite a while. See you back here in April, gang.