We open at the offices of Jackman, Carter, and Kline, and yes, I had to dig through prior recaps to find the firm's name. Deep within a sunlit conference room, a prim and bored stenographer taps out a transcription of a deposition already in progress. Piloting the deposition is none other than Mr. Eye Candy himself, Cole Turner. He's squaring off against a pair of gentlemen whose firm has a propensity for towing toxic sludge out into the middle of the Pacific Ocean. There's a joke involving Princess Cruise Lines and Lauren Tewes lurking in that sentence, but as this scene's simply a set-up for the Demon Of The Week, let's keep it moving, shall we? Cole, quite frankly, appears to have been ridden hard and put away wet the evening, and the angle of his close-ups only serves to emphasize this. The camera's tilting up towards Cole's face from low against the surface of the table, emphasizing the baggy eyes, the enormous damp brow, and the Peter Krause bed head, so we know something demonic's afoot. After all, it's never so simple as a raging hangover with this guy, right? As Cole natters about shipping dates and manifests, the sweat from that enormous forehead of his threatens to drip out of the television and onto my carpet. One of the gentleman on the opposite side of the table -- let's call him "Gopher" -- leans towards the other to whisper, "I don't know what this demon's trying to prove." Cole winces, shakes his head as if to clear it, and asks, "Did you say something?" Gopher shrugs his shoulders with upturned palms and denies opening his mouth. Cole returns to his brief as the other gentleman -- "Isaac" -- snides in a slightly louder voice, "Trying to deny what he is, like we don't know!" I realize I'm reading far too much into this, but they just had the African-American gentleman chide Cole for passing. I don't know if I should snicker or weep. "You give us all a bad name," Isaac continues as his eyes glow red. Cole leaps to his feet and snarls, "What the hell is going on here?" You took some of the brown acid, honey. Just try to maintain while I fetch you some orange juice, okay? Oh, wait. Orange juice is for Ecstasy, right? Whatever. Like I know from recreational drug use. So, Isaac and Gopher, neither of whom is demonic in the Charmed sense of the word, are naturally baffled by Cole's outburst. Cole excuses himself and turns towards the door. The prim stenographer purses her lips and mutters, "Crackhead," as Cole staggers from the room.
Cole stumbles through the hallway towards the elevators, nearly ramming his sweaty mug into the camera lens. It's sort of like that bit from It's A Wonderful Life where George Bailey races into the street from what should be his mother's happy home but is now a rundown boarding house and goggles in Jimmy Stewart's best approximation of "horrified disbelief," only this is in color and not nearly as amusing. Cole struggles to loosen his tie as he slips into an elevator car. Two middle-aged suits examining a file eye him warily. The one on the left sneers, "You're an embarrassment to us all." Cole whips around as the suits' eyes glow red as well. "Give it up, Cole," Suit The First taunts. "You can never be good." Cole howls and hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death into the two gentlemen. As they burst into flame in the tiny, enclosed space, Cole falls back against the wall, his hands crossed defensively over his face. He slowly lowers his arms to find the two suits gaping at him. "You okay?" Suit The First asks. Cole gasps and...
...barrels through another hallway and into his office. Panting, he locks the door and turns to find Phoebe seated behind his desk. "Thank God," he breathes. Cole starts babbling about his hallucinations as the Feebs calmly observes him from the depths of his chair. The Phoebangs are particularly severe in this scene, by the way. They're lacquered to her forehead like a pair of windshield wipers caught in mid-swipe. Cole, still gasping for air, presses his palms against the desktop and drops his head. What he sees shut him right up. The camera cuts to a Cole POV of the FORMAL NOTIFICATION OF DIVORCE ACTION on his blotter. I'd rage about the reappearance of the divorce papers after they were signed and filed in the season premiere, but this is, after all, a bad acid trip, so I'll simply tell you all that "Phauxbe" (tm the poesiemillay of the forums) eases herself from her chair, plucks the divorce papers from the blotter, and slinks around the furniture to stand in front of the increasingly agitated Cole. "It's finally over," Phauxbe smirks gleefully. "Officially. Because you're evil!" "You're wrong," Cole moans. "Don't fight it," Phauxbe purrs, caressing his face. Cole emits a mighty howl and snatches hold of her throat, jerking her into the air and slamming her against the wall. We get a shot of Phauxbe's dainty stiletto-shod feet flailing in mid-air before the camera cuts back to reveal that Cole's actually throttling his blonde secretary. In a nice touch, the secretary's wearing the same modest, high-necked ruffled blouse and knee-length charcoal-grey skirt we saw on the Phauxbe. Maybe it's just because I have Jimmy Stewart on the brain (and isn't that a terrifying state of affairs), but it's reminiscent of the Judy-Madeleine switches in Vertigo. Not that Phoebe and the secretary look anything alike, but after all, Judy did have some hideous bangs, didn't she?
Cole, aghast, releases "Lauren," and she immediately skitters out of the office to file a whopping multimillion-dollar lawsuit against her employer. "What's happening to me?" Cole groans. A disembodied voice answers, "You know." The camera swings around as Billy Drago, also known as Barbas, The Demon Of Fear, appears in glowily outlined form by the desk. "You're evil," Barbas continues, sauntering spectrally to Cole's side. "It's your worst fear, and it's true." Barbas flickers out as Cole heaves and doubles over into the opening credits.
My God. No opening travelogue this evening. That's right -- no establishment of the phallic Coit Tower atop Telegraph Hill to the strains of a trilling ovary, no sweeping pan of the waterfront from the bay, no soulful testicles, zip. Nada. Nothing. We aren't even treated to a shot of the Manor facade. Is this unprecedented? Out on the sun porch, Raige has arranged a small copper kettle and a couple of blazing candles, along with various potion ingredients and the Book of Shadows, on the cast-iron table. She flings a bit of something into the pot, and it belches out an anemic cloud of smoke and feathers. "Dammit!" Raige bitches as the Dolt wanders in from the dining room, wondering what gives. Raige reveals that she's attempting to recreate The Late Lamented's "Animal Conjuring Spell." Buh? Is this new? Why would Prue want to...oh, never mind. The Dolt razzes her for getting Wiccy in front of the sun porch's many, many windows. Shout-out, you ask? Sorry. More like Contrivance and Foreshadowing, dropping by the Manor for a few happy hour Mai Tais before making out with each other over on the wicker love seat. Raige was feeling "a little cramped" in the attic, you see, so she decided to bring the show downstairs. Demian will not be making any Midol jokes at Raige's expense this evening, thank you. Except for the part of this recap where he just did. In any event, Raige is also back to comparing herself unfavorably to The Late Lamented with regard to her mastery of Wiccan technique. The Dolt thought Raige was over that sort of thing. Raige thought she was as well, but she's been feeling "insecure" "these past couple of days." Piper bubbles in from the kitchen at this moment with an announcement regarding her schedule, along with the welcome news that her morning sickness has finally abated. "Hel-lo, second trimester!" Piper enthuses. Whuh? Second trimester? Second trimes...oh, the hell with it. As the Dolt snuggles against the wife in celebration of a vomit-free future, we get an odd tracking shot into Raige's face for her reaction to this news. If you're interested, she appears to be mildly annoyed. No, I have no idea what it means. Why don't you ask the two literary conventions slobbering all over each other on the love seat? I'm sure they'd be able to interpret Raige's mood, if they ever managed to yank their tongues out of each other's mouth. Piper offers some sick-making comment about "practicing for the new kid" that afternoon before macking with the Dolt. "Ew!" Raige squeals. "I'm still here, thanks!" Darling, after those foul antics involving the greasy Australian and your errant O a couple of weeks ago, you are in no position to criticize.
Speaking of foul antics, Contrivance stops mauling Foreshadowing's ass long enough to scamper over to the parlor doorway and dangle an evidently monstrous spider from the ceiling. No, I had no idea Contrivance worked part-time as an insect wrangler, but as Foreshadowing can tell you, Contrivance is a man of many talents. If you know what I mean. Piper spots the spider and pulls a Charlotte, shrieking and fluttering her hands while hopping from foot to foot and ordering the Dolt to get rid of the thing. The Dolt ambles over to kneel by the door and scoot the spider towards a hole in the baseboard. The evidently monstrous arachnid is revealed to be a tenth of the size of The Dolt's fingernail. Um. Good eye, Piper. I guess. For some reason, Piper interprets the spider's appearance as a sign of the Apocalypse, griping about horrible things happening to her just as her life hits a good patch. Raige snorts derisively. Piper darkly warns, "Just wait." On cue, Cole smears into the parlor behind the Dolt, begging for the Glamorous Ladies' assistance. "See?" Piper sneers. It pains me to say this, but: Shut up, Piper.
Cole darts through the parlor, sniffing at the air like he's Renfield or something as Raige, Piper, and the Dolt trail behind him from the sun porch. "Did they follow me?" Cole whimpers. The Dolt helpfully instructs Cole to sit for a moment. Cole immediately spins on his heel and hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death at the Dolt's head. Snicker. The Dolt snipers to the floor, allowing the FBOD to plow harmlessly into the wall. "What are you doing?" Piper howls. Cole advances on her, paranoia oozing from his pores. "You're with him, aren't you?" he babbles, conjuring another FBOD in the palm of his hand. Raige, ever the practical spitfire, slams her hands into his shoulder, knocking him out of his hallucinatory fantasy. "What is wrong with you?" she snots. Cole wipes at his eyes, apologizing profusely and hoping he didn't injure anyone. "You could have," mopes the Dolt as Piper helps him to his feet. "You're lucky I'm already dead." Oh, stow it, prissypants. That Flaming Ball Of Death didn't come anywhere near you. Tool. Cole collapses into an overstuffed armchair and wails that his hallucinations are getting worse. Up until his appearance in the Manor, every battle he fought was entirely in his head. Well, except for that one with your soon-to-be-ex-secretary, but who's counting? Now, he's activating his Wicked Waste Land Mojo against those his addled brain believes are demonic. "Someone's messing with me somehow," he gasps. The Glamorous Ladies must help him before he actually hurts somebody! Piper, Raige, and the Dolt exchange Looks Of Concern.
P3, and the scene I've been dreading for weeks. Phoebe, working those Satanic shellacked bangs of hers while lounging on a sofa, grins as Ken Marino squirms through the gyrating crowd on the dance floor with a couple of cocktails. Many of you will remember Mr. Marino from his days as the inappropriate professor on Dawson’s Creek. No, not the inappropriate Media Studies professor -- the inappropriate English professor. No, not Flip-Flops. Sigh. The inappropriate English professor from last season. The one Joey was going to bone the night she met The Bantering Bandit? Yeah. That one. Anyway, I'll let you in on a little secret: I hate Ken Marino. Hate. Him. And do you want to know why? He looks like Gonzo from The Muppet Show. No, seriously! The glazed, glassy eyes plus the beaky nose, along with the nonexistent jawline and chin, equals Gonzo. Terribly lookist, I realize, and I should be deeply ashamed of myself. Which I'm certain I would be, if I gave a rat's ass about Mr. Marino or his career. I've actually been wanting him to disappear since his days on The State, and that was a show I enjoyed. Now, you toss Gonzo here onto Charmed as a love interest for the Feebs? I'm going to pop an aneurysm, I swear to God. And while I'm busy not recapping what is certain to be a stroke-inducing love scene between Phoebe and Gonzo, I might as well hammer out a quick note to Phoebe. Dear Feebs: I realize you've had that whole chop-socky thing going for a good four years now, but that's no reason to abuse the anabolic steroids. Put those wide-bore needles down before you grow a beard, okay? I criticize because I care! Kisses, Demian.
Fine. Well. Let's get this over with, shall we? Gonzo and the Feebs try to one-up each other with messy divorce stories before Piper pops up to drag Phoebe into the office for a witchy confab. Scene.
Hey, that wasn't so bad after all. I think.
"This better be good," Phoebe growls as Piper shoves her through the office door. She takes one look at Cole and sneers, "You've got to be kidding me." Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing when I took a look at that blouse you're barely wearing. Phoebe's clad in an asymmetrical, single-sleeved teal top that hangs from her bony shoulders on a couple of straps like a shroud. Teal, people. Between the shroud and the overdone eye make-up and the Phoebangs and the incongruous Angela Basset biceps, she looks like a ghoul. Poor Cole. You really should have run off with Seven Of Bettie when you had the chance, pal. Anyway, while Cole explains his hallucinations, Barbas whispers sweet nothings into Phoebe's ear. When his spectral form flickers in beside her, I notice that his method of transportation actually involves the insertion of the color print's negative for a couple of frames. This of course means the teal shroud flickers orange for a bit, which is a vast improvement. Anything's better than teal, you know what I mean? So, while Cole babbles, Barbas murmurs, "This could be your worst fear come to life -- Cole dragging you back to his world of evil." Phoebe stares into the middle distance, mesmerized for a moment by the demon's nattering, but snaps to when she realizes everyone's waiting for her response. No one can see the demon, of course, so from the others' perspective, Phoebe's just staring slackjawed into space. Heh. "I'm not going to allow you to drag me back into your world of evil," Phoebe eventually parrots. Cole protests that he simply wants her help. "Careful!" Barbas sing-songs. "It's another one of his tricks to get you back!" Phoebe dutifully recycles this as, "How do I know this isn't another one of your tricks to get me back?" Barbas smirks and flickers out. Cole's further protests fall on deaf ears. He will not be receiving assistance from Phoebe. Ever. Cole sighs dejectedly and smears out. Once he's gone, Raige rises to argue his case, and Piper agrees with her. Phoebe's still not having it, insisting that from now on, Cole's problems are his own. Phoebe exits to "salvage what remains of [her] date." Raige rolls her eyes while puckering her garish magenta-toned lips.
Out in the main bar area, Phoebe settles in beside Gonzo on the sofa as Piper and Raige slouch over to the bar. Raige again proposes that they come up with some plan for assisting Cole, but Barbas flickers in to whisper words of dissent in Piper's ear. Piper dutifully repeats the words of dissent, noting that they "should just let it go." Raige snits that they can't let it go -- what if this unknown demon accesses Cole's Wicked Waste Land Mojo and tries to use it against them? Piper wobbles back in the direction of Raige's position on the matter until Barbas flickers back in with more whispering. Piper again repeats the line Barbas fed her, this time insisting that they remain aloof as far as Cole is concerned, as he's deceived them in the past with disastrous results. Raige takes "Jekyll and Hyde" Piper to task, but Piper just shows her the hand and wanders off. "Two against one," Piper shrugs as she walks away. "And you're always the one," Barbas sneers in Raige's ear.
Meanwhile, on a tiny outcropping of rock halfway down a vast well that ends in a lake of fire -- and I bet Kern's happy he held onto that set -- Barbas's essence returns to his body from its dissension-sowing foray above. A balding demon who bears a disturbing physical resemblance to Robert "Rocket" Romano occupies a nearby ledge. Apparently, Romanot and Barbas forged an alliance during their "eternal banishment" to adjacent ledges in "Purgatory." And here I always thought Purgatory was more of a great big snowed-in Greyhound station. Romanot taught Barbas the finer points of astral projection so that Barbas could flicker topside over the last few days to trick the Glamorous Ladies into giving him powers beyond comprehension, thereby allowing him to destroy them as payback for the two times The Late Lamented wiped him off the face of the earth. Got that? Good. Moving on.
Manor. Raige sprawls across her bed, paging through the Book of Shadows for anything resembling Cole's current affliction. The Dolt enters to admit that his superiors haven't a clue what's going on. "Ooh!" Raige snarks. "The Elders don't know anything! What a shock." That's either a shout-out, or Rose McGowan's ad-libbing again. Raige quickly cuts to the chase: Her instincts tell her there's something very wrong going on, and Piper and Phoebe are allowing their bias against Cole to cloud their judgment. The Dolt admits that as her Whitelighter, he believes she should heed her instincts. However, as her brother-in-law, he believes that defying her sisters is "suicide." Pantywaist. Raige sarcastically thanks him for clarifying the situation, and sends him on his way. Barbas flickers in behind her and, playing upon Raige's need for acceptance, urges her to strip Cole of his powers the way Phoebe did last season. Auuugh! For the last goddamned time, Phoebe did not strip Cole of his powers. Emma The Avenging Fiancée did. Rrrgh. Anyway, Barbas assures Raige that Piper and Phoebe will be terribly proud of her initiative, despite their recent statements to the contrary on the issue. Raige nods her head all, "What a cunning plan!" as Barbas flickers back out.
A lingering pan across the nighttime skyline lands us at Casa Del Cole. Raige wanders through the open door, calling for the demon of the house. He pounces from the shadows to wrestle her into submission, believing she's a Hell-sent beastie there to suck his brain out through his ear, or something. "You idiot!" Raige screams as she clocks him in the head. Heh. Cole snaps out of it and makes with the apologies. Raige brushes this aside and gets to the point. She whipped up a power-stripping potion based on the Demon Be Gone from last year (and the year before, actually), but altered the recipe enough to account for the Wicked Waste Land Mojo. She's now offering it to Cole as a permanent solution to his problems. Will he accept it? Cole frets that without his powers, he'll be unable to defend himself. Raige reminds him that without his powers, he won't be able to hurt anyone either -- especially Phoebe. Barbas flickers in to mumble something about taking one for the Feebs, so Cole shrugs off his reservations and accepts the proffered Demon Be Gone. It looks like a pony bottle of Listermint. He guzzles it down anyway and immediately drops to the floor in a stupor, but I'm sure his breath is minty-fresh. A crappy black CGI cloud wafts out of his chest and meanders across the room. Barbas flickers back in to absorb the lousy effects into his own glowing outline. After a moment, he corporealizes and grins, waving his hands in the air in triumph. Raige, startled, scampers across the room to her former in-law as Cole collects himself from the floor. Cole takes a look at the new arrival and sneers, instinctively drawing back his arm to fling an FBOD. Barbas conjures an FBOD with the purloined Waste Land Mojo and flicks the thing into Cole's jaw. Cole immediately hurtles backwards through the French doors, shattering them and sliding halfway across the balcony outside. Raige must have been whacked in the head with the stupid stick when I wasn't looking, for instead of bounding to Cole's side and orbing away with him immediately, she simply kneels on the shards of shattered glass to cradle his head in her arms while Barbas delivers his four lines. "Thank you very much for setting me free," Barbas eventually croons. "Your sisters will be very proud of you." D'oh! Barbas, with his fresh mojo, smears out into the commercial break.
Manor. Aftermath. Out on the sun porch, Piper snits, "Barbas? You couldn't have brought back Andras or Shax or somebody we could actually vanquish?" Contrivance passes Continuity a Mai Tai and asks him if he's into threeways. Continuity flings the Mai Tai into Contrivance's face and storms out of the Manor. Meanwhile, the Dolt applies the tingly touch to the numerous lacerations on Cole's face. The gashes presently vanish, and Cole awakens to warn the ladies about Barbas. Piper coolly informs him that they're quite familiar with this particular Demon Of The Week before she and Phoebe go back to shrieking at Raige for her stupidity. I'm attributing Piper's behavior to the Words Of Dissent Barbas has been whispering into her ears over the last few days, and so will tolerate it for the time being. However, Phoebe's pulled this strident blame-casting shit before, so I'll just continue hating her, if that's all right with everyone. Raige repeatedly apologizes and offers to abuse the Book of Shadows as penance before Cole steps in to announce that, should Barbas use the purloined Wicked Waste Land Mojo to reorganize the Underworld and become the new Source, he'll become unstoppable. No, Cole. Barbas won't become the unstoppable new Source, because Barbas would need The Grimoire to do so, and The Grimoire is buried somewhere in the "west Andes." Remember? I'd suggest that you rough up Contrivance for driving Continuity from the Manor with that repellent proposition, but I think Contrivance would probably enjoy that.
Casa Del Cole. Romanot perches at Cole's baby grand, pounding out the opening bars of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony while idly noting that someone redecorated the Underworld while he was in Purgatory. Shut it, jackass. Barbas vows to fry the Glamorous Ladies' collective ass with his new powers as payback for the two times they banished him to Purgatory. Romanot suggests that Barbas set aside vengeance for the moment to consolidate his power in the Underworld. Barbas threatens the insubordinate Romanot with a Flaming Ball Of Death for a moment, then concedes Romanot's point. He orders Romanot to "summon the leaders." I, meanwhile, have lapsed into a coma and drooled all over my laptop, gumming up the space key in the process. What's that? How could I drop into a coma and still tap out a summary of this dreadfully boring and pointless scene? Wicked Recapping Mojo, people. Everyone in the secret cabal at TWoP Towers gets a dose once we've signed our contracts. In blood.
Manor. There's more unnecessarily cruel sniping at Raige from Piper and Phoebe as the gals plus Cole and the Dolt research Barbas vanquishes in various books. Phoebe even has the gall to chide Raige for dragging her away from her date with Gonzo. Because canoodling with the chinless wonder over at P3 is so much more important than, say, ridding the world of evil as dictated by your destiny, right? Sow. Cole eventually grinds his teeth together and orders Phoebe to back the hell off. Raige, after all, "had good intentions," and "that's gotta count for something." For some reason, the Ps are struck dumb by Cole's entirely reasonable outburst. The Dolt blithers some saccharine nonsense about Cole's sentiment coming from his heart now that he's no longer evil. Raige has the stunning realization that since Cole is no longer evil, he's now an innocent they must protect from harm. Phoebe latches onto this reasoning and wields it as an excuse to order the Dolt to orb away from the Manor with her ex-husband. Cole heaves a beleaguered sigh as the Dolt and the Dolt's beer gut rise from their chair. The Dolt and his trusty beer gut take Cole's hand and orb out. Wave goodbye, kids, because you won't be seeing either of them again until the very end of the episode. Oops. Spoiler!
After the boys have left, Piper proposes that the Glamorous Ladies lure Barbas into the Manor and employ the Mystical Crysticals Of Demonic Entrapment on him as they did on The Source. Phoebe immediately agrees, and offers to use the "Astral Projection Spell" to determine Barbas's whereabouts. Once she's found him, she'll annoy him until he follows her to the attic for the vanquish. Excuse me? The "Astral Projection Spell"? Where the hell did this come from? No! Don't tell me! Let me guess: Alyssa wasn't satisfied simply booting Shannen from the show, so she's now insisting the writers concoct ways for her character to duplicate Shannen's character's powers. Am I right? Huh? And you hacks bothered replacing Shannen Doherty with Rose McGowan...why, exactly? That one you can answer at your leisure, guys. During all of this, Raige repeatedly offers her assistance, only to be shot down by a series of withering glares from the Feebs. Piper eventually reveals that Phoebe's the best person to confront Barbas, as she conquered her deepest fear during his last visit. Raige wonders what the conquered fear involved. "Losing my sister," Phoebe peeves. I think my deepest fear is being crushed beneath a giant anvil for all eternity with my cigarettes just out of reach. Oh, wait. That actually happened! Just now, in fact! Funny how those things work.
Casa Del Pointless Subplot Because The Grimoire Is Buried Deep In The "West Andes." A variety of lesser demonic forces cluster around a conference table as their apparent leader confronts Barbas regarding his purported Wicked Waste Land Mojo. To demonstrate said mojo, Barbas smites the apparent leader with a Flaming Ball Of Death. The lesser demonic forces are suitably impressed. Phoebe astrally projects into the room. Banter. Mockery. Threats. Barbas flings an FBOD at AP Feebs. AP Feebs dodges the Ball, which plows through an entire row of demonic underlings. "It's pretty hard to rule the Underworld if you kill everybody," Phoebe sneers. You should know, hag. AP Feebs dematerializes as Barbas rages in frustration. Romanot counsels caution, worrying that the Glamorous Ladies sent AP Feebs to the Casa to lure Barbas into a trap. He's entirely correct, of course, but Barbas couldn't care less. He smears on out of there.
Manor attic. AP Feebs reunites with Special Ed Feebs, and Reconstituted Feebs scampers over to join Piper and Raige in a semicircle around the Oriental carpet in the center of the room. Conveniently enough, Barbas smears directly into the center of the Mystical Crysticals, which agreeably flare up into a cage around his body. The three Ps recite the Source vanquish, and Barbas howls and moans and wails before erupting into gout of flame. Once the smoke clears, our intrepid gals are horrified to discover that the vanquish served only to destroy the flaring cage. Barbas sneers, "I guess you wanted me." He flings his hands out towards the surrounding walls before continuing, "Well, now you have me." The windows instantly wall themselves up with brick. Barbas smears out, and his disembodied voice croons, "And now I have you." A deafening silence greets the oncoming commercials as the Glamorous Ladies goggle and gawp at each other.
Bridal Boudoir. Phoebe enters to bitch that every window and door in the house has been bricked over as well. Raige refuses to believe they're trapped in their own home, and dissolves into a glowing cloud of orbs. The glowy cloud ricochets between a couple of windows before dumping Raige on her ass in the percolating infant's nursery. I note that Raige is sporting a pair of wicked pink go-go boots that match her tights and her top. And that would be "wicked" in the sense of "morally bad and obnoxious." Piper fruitlessly calls for the Dolt before attempting to break through one of the barriers with her Hands Of Discontent. The explosion simply chars the brick a bit. Raige wonders why Barbas doesn't just kill them. Piper and Phoebe opine that Barbas is more into the death-through-mental-torture thing. Seems to me that Barbas is more like one of those tedious Bond villains who constructs elaborate death traps instead of just shooting the fucker in the head. Then again, that wouldn't make Barbas any different from the other demons we've met on this show, now would it? Raige spots something suspicious in the nursery, and wanders back into the room. Her previously unheard-of claustrophobia kicks in when Barbas besets her with a hallucination of the nursery door slamming shut behind her and the walls slowly close in on her tiny frame. Piper and Phoebe, recognizing the hallucination for what it is, shout words of encouragement before Piper herself falls victim to Barbas. Her previously unheard-of arachnophobia kicks in as a hallucinatory parade of tarantulas skitters across the carpet to her feet. Then Gonzo barges into the Boudoir, spluttering, "I have to tell you the truth," as his eyes flip beetle-black and flare for a bit. "I'm evil, Phoebe," Gonzo confesses. "That's why you're drawn to me." Phoebe decks the loser in his beak. Hooray! The Gonzo hallucination staggers backwards into the hallway before squiggling out. Piper takes a page from Phoebe's playbook and stomps on one of the hallucinatory tarantulas. The entire arachnid parade squiggles away. We return to Raige, who hyperventilates a bit as the far wall appears to press against her nose, but she musters her resolve and the room presently returns to its original state.
Once Raige emerges from the nursery, the Glamorous Ladies knock their heads together to formulate a vanquishing strategy. Raige suggests replicating the New And Improved Demon Be Gone. Piper warns that the crappy CGI power cloud would need a new host. Phoebe offers up the ex-husband. Raige objects, insisting that they can't condemn Cole to that life now that he's evil-free once more. Piper and Phoebe nonchalantly shrug their shoulders all, "You have a better idea, missy?" Missy does not.
Out in the upper hallway, "the Dolt" orbs in, sporting numerous bruises and a ripped shirt and claiming that he orbed back into the Manor with Cole just before Barbas bricked over the exits. I trust that I'm not spoiling anything by placing his name in quotation marks like that. In fact, let's just call him the Bolt for this scene. Piper worries that the Bolt left Cole all by his lonesome on the main floor, and volunteers to fetch him with the supposed husband. Raige splutters against splitting up. Phoebe, idiot that she is, shrieks, "Do we have a choice?" Raige raises an immensely irritated brow and rolls her eyes. Piper and the Bolt head down the main stairwell while Phoebe and Raige retreat to the attic.
Down in the foyer, the cunning Bolt assaults Piper with another hallucination, all the while pretending neither to hear nor to see the vision over by the front doors. It's of Piper on what I would guess is her seventh or eighth birthday, clad in a lilac-colored silk dress, delightedly skipping over to Grams -- hey, Grams! -- and thanking her for the doll she received. Grams beams and reveals that Daddy Dearest Victor Bennett actually chose Piper's present. On cue, Daddy Dearest strides out of the parlor to wrap the little girl in a hug. Suddenly, a rather attractive dark demonic force sent from the flaming maw of Hell squiggles into the hallway to hurl an FBOD at the trio by the door. The three hallucinations dive for cover, and the FBOD vanquishes a plant. Grams leaps to her feet and spits, "Hellspawn demon, creature of death -- fire shall take your every breath!" The rather attractive dark demonic force dissolves in an explosion of flame. Grams rules. Hallucinatory Piper races into Grams's arms as Daddy Dearest straps his bitch on to berate Grams for raising his daughters as witches. This, supposedly, is the final fight Daddy Dearest had with Grams regarding his daughters' collective future -- the one that sent him away from the Manor for good until he returned as the Teflon Dad in "Thank You For Not Morphing." However, according to Prue and Daddy Dearest themselves in the spiteful crapfest also known as "We All Scream For Ice Cream," this fight was precipitated at a much earlier date by Prue's inadvertent trip to Molesterland. So, Contrivance? Thanks for nothing, you cheap slut. time you and Foreshadowing feel like a threeway, hit on a literary device of lesser importance like Deus Ex Machina. I hear he's got a sling.
So. Anyway. Back to the continuing argument. Daddy Dearest snarls, "If they're brought up around this evil, they'll always live in fear -- they'll never be happy!" Grams tuts and sighs dismissively. Hee! We cut back to Piper, who's growing increasingly distraught as the Bolt morphs into Barbas. "See?" he whispers in her ear. "Even your daddy knew. Your happiness can never last." Piper's lower lip trembles as her eyes fill with tears. Barbas flickers out. Nice scene. Completely inaccurate, of course, but nice nevertheless.
Up in the attic, Raige enters to apologize once more as Phoebe drops Demon Be Gone ingredients into a pot, and -- oh dear God. Raige, in addition to the morally objectionable go-go boots, is sporting a skort. Why? WHYYYYY? While Phoebe's distracted by the potion and I'm busily gouging out my eyes, Barbas tosses a little hallucinatory mojo Phoebe's way. From Phoebe's perspective, Raige is now the demon himself, come to gut her in the attic. "What have you done with my sister?" Phoebe shouts. Barbas smirks that he's killed both Piper and Raige with their fears. Raige, meanwhile, screams, "He's tricking you!" For her trouble, she receives a kick in her stomach. During the smackdown that follows, we get repeated parallel shots of the action featuring Phoebe's demon-addled perspective contrasted with what's actually happening. And what's actually happening is that Raige is getting her ass kicked. Phoebe boots her sister around the room, smashing various items of furniture with Raige's increasingly battered body, as Raige continues to wail that Phoebe's hallucinating.
Down in the foyer, Piper wrings her hands and sobs as Daddy Dearest continues to scream at Grams. Hallucinatory Piper steps between them and fruitlessly pleads with them to stop arguing. Barbas flickers in beside Piper and coos, "Your greatest fear was born in this very moment." Daddy Dearest flings his hands in the air and vanishes through the front doors. "Ever since this moment," Barbas continues, "when you experience happiness, tragedy follows." Grams disappears into the parlor. Hallucinatory Piper clutches her doll, alone and forlorn at the far end of the hall. Barbas picks up the thread of his last thought, breathing that Piper's been left nothing more than "a lifetime of pain." Hallucinatory Piper dissolves as the stained glass of the front doors morphs into brick. "A pain," Barbas finishes, "that continues on and on, even into the generation." At this, Piper, by now weeping freely, grabs at her stomach and gasps in agony. Barbas, blissed out on Piper's crippling angst, rocks back and forth a bit with his eyes closed before flickering away. Piper curls into a ball on the carpet, moaning, "Please. Not my baby!" Best scene in the episode, people.
Followed immediately by one of the worst. Well, one of the worst if we're evaluating these things in terms of realized potential. Back in the attic, Phoebe flips Raige over, and, heeding the slurred exhortations of the hallucinatory Barbas, snatches up a nearby dagger, plunging it into Raige's chest. Of course, once the dagger hits home, hallucinatory Barbas morphs back into the grievously-injured Raige. Not only does Alyssa Milano's horrified reaction shot leave me unmoved, but then they halt the momentum by cutting away to commercial. Idiots. They should have gone to black right after Barbas morphed back into Raige, and allowed Phoebe's reaction to begin and build through what follows the break.
Says the expert in television editing techniques.
And we're back. Phoebe cradles the unconscious and profusely bleeding Raige's head in her lap, rocking back and forth and shuddering with great gasping sobs while calling for Piper. Barbas leans in to Phoebe's ear and makes with the mind-fuck. Yes, Phoebe did conquer her fear of losing a sister, but that was replaced by what's tormenting her now, wasn't it? "It takes somebody really evil," he whispers, "to kill with a vengeance like that. That's who you are. It's kind of like your greatest fear just sort of came to life." Phoebe's pre-verbal with the weeping and such. Barbas rises to his feet above her with the bloody dagger in his hand. He prepares to jam the thing into Phoebe's neck, and...
...dissolves into a cloud of black goo that presently coagulates back into Barbas form closer to the attic door. Piper, Hands Of Discontent still in attack position, greets him with, "Playing on an expectant mother's fears? Good one." She places her hands on her hips and grits, "But not good enough." She flings out her hands once more, but Barbas blinks away just before he erupts into another cloud of goo. Several of the bricks covering the attic's bay window vanish, and a brilliant beam of high-powered cheese floods the room to illuminate Phoebe and Raige in their Pieta-like position on the floor. Piper kneels in front of them as Phoebe babbles through her tears that she mistook Raige for the demon himself. Piper assures Phoebe that she's not at fault (go figure), and urges Phoebe to confess her fear so that Piper can help her overcome it. "I'm evil," Phoebe blurts, in surprisingly lost and deeply hopeless tones of voice. Where the hell did that come from, Alyssa? Wherever you found it, do us a favor and hang on to it for a while, okay? Piper blinks back her own tears as she insists, "I have known you my entire life, and there's not a mean bone in your body!" No comment, because Alyssa Milano nails her line. It's only one word, yet she infuses a stammering, "But. --" with far more despair than I would previously have thought possible. "No!" Piper barks, her voice thick with emotion. "Not a chance in Hell." Phoebe locks despairing eyes with Piper over her continued gasping sobs, and the remaining bricks in the attic windows somehow dissolve. Very nice. Shame the rest of the episode had to drag this last couple of scenes down.
Piper immediately bellows for the Dolt, who orbs into the attic with Cole. The Dolt darts to apply the tingly touch to Raige's sucking chest wound as Cole gets a little verklempt.
Casa Del Bury This Subplot Beneath The "West Andes" With The Goddamn Grimoire Already. Romanot flares in and exchanges words with Barbas, who insists upon pursuing his plan of vengeance. Sniping. Yelling. Flaming Ball Of Death. Barbas vanquishes the hapless lookalike and sneers.
Manor attic. Piper distills a bit of the Demon Be Gone into a vial as Raige awakens on the carpet. Phoebe immediately envelops Raige in a bear hug, and Alyssa immediately reverts to her standard irritating babytalk by simpering her way through a sticky barrage of "I'm sorrys." The Ps plus the Dolt ensure that Cole's willing to reabsorb his Wicked Waste Land Mojo when Barbas returns. He is, but he'd like them all to remember that he's doing it for them. Martyr. Barbas smears into the middle of the room and sends a blast wave throughout the attic that knocks its occupants onto their respective asses. The vial of Demon Be Gone drops from Piper's hand to shatter on the floorboards. Raige has been flipped across the room away from the couples, and Barbas quickly isolates her from them by trapping the couples behind separate shimmering force fields. Phoebe and Piper instruct Raige to orb the puddle of Demon Be Gone into Barbas, just as The Late Lamented did once way back in "Blind Sided." After a slurred taunt or two from the Demon Of The Week, Raige pastes the puddle onto his face with her orbing telekinesis. Barbas collapses onto the floor, the shimmering force fields evaporate, and the crappy black CGI cloud emerges from Barbas's chest to dive into Cole's. Cole rays out a bit and snickers, looking for the life of him like he just blew an enormous bong hit. Cole hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death into The Demon Of Fear, and the camera cuts to an overhead shot as Barbas raises his arms, wails, and explodes upwards in a great tongue of fire. Jesus Christ, I hope the bastard's gone for good this time. Cole gazes at the others in the attic for a moment, then glumly smears away.
That evening, Phoebe and Gonzo meet at P3 for their fourth date. I think the chinless wonder is sipping a Kir. Loser. The two jaw (heh) at each other, but to be honest with you, I think my brain short-circuited, because I can't remember a single word they said.
Meanwhile, Piper and the Dolt canoodle on a nearby settee. Piper that admits her fear of joy was a silly, silly character arc, especially because it lasted all of one episode. They mack.
Back at the Manor, Raige futzes with the powders involved in The Late Lamented's Animal Conjuring Spell. The shot shifts to slow motion as she scatters a bit of the mixture into the air. Two white CGI doves burst forth from a small puff of CGI smoke and "flutter" out of the frame. Raige crosses to the Book of Shadows, eases it shut, runs a gentle finger along the triquatra embossed on its cover, and smiles.
If I never type the word "hallucinate" or any of its variants again, it'll be too soon.
week, Raige gets a new slampiece, while Phoebe and Gonzo perform acts of unspeakable depravity on the parlor sofa. Enjoy!