“ Cole leaps to his feet and snarls, 'What the hell is going on here?' You took some of the brown acid, honey. Just try to maintain while I fetch you some orange juice, okay? Oh, wait. Orange juice is for Ecstasy, right? ”
We open at the offices of Jackman, Carter, and Kline, and yes, I had to dig through prior recaps to find the firm's name. Deep within a sunlit conference room, a prim and bored stenographer taps out a transcription of a deposition already in progress. Piloting the deposition is none other than Mr. Eye Candy himself, Cole Turner. He's squaring off against a pair of gentlemen whose firm has a propensity for towing toxic sludge out into the middle of the Pacific Ocean. There's a joke involving Princess Cruise Lines and Lauren Tewes lurking in that sentence, but as this scene's simply a set-up for the Demon Of The Week, let's keep it moving, shall we? Cole, quite frankly, appears to have been ridden hard and put away wet the evening, and the angle of his close-ups only serves to emphasize this. The camera's tilting up towards Cole's face from low against the surface of the table, emphasizing the baggy eyes, the enormous damp brow, and the Peter Krause bed head, so we know something demonic's afoot. After all, it's never so simple as a raging hangover with this guy, right? As Cole natters about shipping dates and manifests, the sweat from that enormous forehead of his threatens to drip out of the television and onto my carpet. One of the gentleman on the opposite side of the table -- let's call him "Gopher" -- leans towards the other to whisper, "I don't know what this demon's trying to prove." Cole winces, shakes his head as if to clear it, and asks, "Did you say something?" Gopher shrugs his shoulders with upturned palms and denies opening his mouth. Cole returns to his brief as the other gentleman -- "Isaac" -- snides in a slightly louder voice, "Trying to deny what he is, like we don't know!" I realize I'm reading far too much into this, but they just had the African-American gentleman chide Cole for passing. I don't know if I should snicker or weep. "You give us all a bad name," Isaac continues as his eyes glow red. Cole leaps to his feet and snarls, "What the hell is going on here?" You took some of the brown acid, honey. Just try to maintain while I fetch you some orange juice, okay? Oh, wait. Orange juice is for Ecstasy, right? Whatever. Like I know from recreational drug use. So, Isaac and Gopher, neither of whom is demonic in the Charmed sense of the word, are naturally baffled by Cole's outburst. Cole excuses himself and turns towards the door. The prim stenographer purses her lips and mutters, "Crackhead," as Cole staggers from the room.
Cole stumbles through the hallway towards the elevators, nearly ramming his sweaty mug into the camera lens. It's sort of like that bit from It's A Wonderful Life where George Bailey races into the street from what should be his mother's happy home but is now a rundown boarding house and goggles in Jimmy Stewart's best approximation of "horrified disbelief," only this is in color and not nearly as amusing. Cole struggles to loosen his tie as he slips into an elevator car. Two middle-aged suits examining a file eye him warily. The one on the left sneers, "You're an embarrassment to us all." Cole whips around as the suits' eyes glow red as well. "Give it up, Cole," Suit The First taunts. "You can never be good." Cole howls and hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death into the two gentlemen. As they burst into flame in the tiny, enclosed space, Cole falls back against the wall, his hands crossed defensively over his face. He slowly lowers his arms to find the two suits gaping at him. "You okay?" Suit The First asks. Cole gasps and...
...barrels through another hallway and into his office. Panting, he locks the door and turns to find Phoebe seated behind his desk. "Thank God," he breathes. Cole starts babbling about his hallucinations as the Feebs calmly observes him from the depths of his chair. The Phoebangs are particularly severe in this scene, by the way. They're lacquered to her forehead like a pair of windshield wipers caught in mid-swipe. Cole, still gasping for air, presses his palms against the desktop and drops his head. What he sees shut him right up. The camera cuts to a Cole POV of the FORMAL NOTIFICATION OF DIVORCE ACTION on his blotter. I'd rage about the reappearance of the divorce papers after they were signed and filed in the season premiere, but this is, after all, a bad acid trip, so I'll simply tell you all that "Phauxbe" (tm the poesiemillay of the forums) eases herself from her chair, plucks the divorce papers from the blotter, and slinks around the furniture to stand in front of the increasingly agitated Cole. "It's finally over," Phauxbe smirks gleefully. "Officially. Because you're evil!" "You're wrong," Cole moans. "Don't fight it," Phauxbe purrs, caressing his face. Cole emits a mighty howl and snatches hold of her throat, jerking her into the air and slamming her against the wall. We get a shot of Phauxbe's dainty stiletto-shod feet flailing in mid-air before the camera cuts back to reveal that Cole's actually throttling his blonde secretary. In a nice touch, the secretary's wearing the same modest, high-necked ruffled blouse and knee-length charcoal-grey skirt we saw on the Phauxbe. Maybe it's just because I have Jimmy Stewart on the brain (and isn't that a terrifying state of affairs), but it's reminiscent of the Judy-Madeleine switches in Vertigo. Not that Phoebe and the secretary look anything alike, but after all, Judy did have some hideous bangs, didn't she?
Cole, aghast, releases "Lauren," and she immediately skitters out of the office to file a whopping multimillion-dollar lawsuit against her employer. "What's happening to me?" Cole groans. A disembodied voice answers, "You know." The camera swings around as Billy Drago, also known as Barbas, The Demon Of Fear, appears in glowily outlined form by the desk. "You're evil," Barbas continues, sauntering spectrally to Cole's side. "It's your worst fear, and it's true." Barbas flickers out as Cole heaves and doubles over into the opening credits.
Once Raige emerges from the nursery, the Glamorous Ladies knock their heads together to formulate a vanquishing strategy. Raige suggests replicating the New And Improved Demon Be Gone. Piper warns that the crappy CGI power cloud would need a new host. Phoebe offers up the ex-husband. Raige objects, insisting that they can't condemn Cole to that life now that he's evil-free once more. Piper and Phoebe nonchalantly shrug their shoulders all, "You have a better idea, missy?" Missy does not.
Out in the upper hallway, "the Dolt" orbs in, sporting numerous bruises and a ripped shirt and claiming that he orbed back into the Manor with Cole just before Barbas bricked over the exits. I trust that I'm not spoiling anything by placing his name in quotation marks like that. In fact, let's just call him the Bolt for this scene. Piper worries that the Bolt left Cole all by his lonesome on the main floor, and volunteers to fetch him with the supposed husband. Raige splutters against splitting up. Phoebe, idiot that she is, shrieks, "Do we have a choice?" Raige raises an immensely irritated brow and rolls her eyes. Piper and the Bolt head down the main stairwell while Phoebe and Raige retreat to the attic.
Down in the foyer, the cunning Bolt assaults Piper with another hallucination, all the while pretending neither to hear nor to see the vision over by the front doors. It's of Piper on what I would guess is her seventh or eighth birthday, clad in a lilac-colored silk dress, delightedly skipping over to Grams -- hey, Grams! -- and thanking her for the doll she received. Grams beams and reveals that Daddy Dearest Victor Bennett actually chose Piper's present. On cue, Daddy Dearest strides out of the parlor to wrap the little girl in a hug. Suddenly, a rather attractive dark demonic force sent from the flaming maw of Hell squiggles into the hallway to hurl an FBOD at the trio by the door. The three hallucinations dive for cover, and the FBOD vanquishes a plant. Grams leaps to her feet and spits, "Hellspawn demon, creature of death -- fire shall take your every breath!" The rather attractive dark demonic force dissolves in an explosion of flame. Grams rules. Hallucinatory Piper races into Grams's arms as Daddy Dearest straps his bitch on to berate Grams for raising his daughters as witches. This, supposedly, is the final fight Daddy Dearest had with Grams regarding his daughters' collective future -- the one that sent him away from the Manor for good until he returned as the Teflon Dad in "Thank You For Not Morphing." However, according to Prue and Daddy Dearest themselves in the spiteful crapfest also known as "We All Scream For Ice Cream," this fight was precipitated at a much earlier date by Prue's inadvertent trip to Molesterland. So, Contrivance? Thanks for nothing, you cheap slut. time you and Foreshadowing feel like a threeway, hit on a literary device of lesser importance like Deus Ex Machina. I hear he's got a sling.
“ We get repeated parallel shots of the action featuring Phoebe's demon-addled perspective contrasted with what's actually happening. And what's actually happening is that Raige is getting her ass kicked. ”
So. Anyway. Back to the continuing argument. Daddy Dearest snarls, "If they're brought up around this evil, they'll always live in fear -- they'll never be happy!" Grams tuts and sighs dismissively. Hee! We cut back to Piper, who's growing increasingly distraught as the Bolt morphs into Barbas. "See?" he whispers in her ear. "Even your daddy knew. Your happiness can never last." Piper's lower lip trembles as her eyes fill with tears. Barbas flickers out. Nice scene. Completely inaccurate, of course, but nice nevertheless.
Up in the attic, Raige enters to apologize once more as Phoebe drops Demon Be Gone ingredients into a pot, and -- oh dear God. Raige, in addition to the morally objectionable go-go boots, is sporting a skort. Why? WHYYYYY? While Phoebe's distracted by the potion and I'm busily gouging out my eyes, Barbas tosses a little hallucinatory mojo Phoebe's way. From Phoebe's perspective, Raige is now the demon himself, come to gut her in the attic. "What have you done with my sister?" Phoebe shouts. Barbas smirks that he's killed both Piper and Raige with their fears. Raige, meanwhile, screams, "He's tricking you!" For her trouble, she receives a kick in her stomach. During the smackdown that follows, we get repeated parallel shots of the action featuring Phoebe's demon-addled perspective contrasted with what's actually happening. And what's actually happening is that Raige is getting her ass kicked. Phoebe boots her sister around the room, smashing various items of furniture with Raige's increasingly battered body, as Raige continues to wail that Phoebe's hallucinating.
Down in the foyer, Piper wrings her hands and sobs as Daddy Dearest continues to scream at Grams. Hallucinatory Piper steps between them and fruitlessly pleads with them to stop arguing. Barbas flickers in beside Piper and coos, "Your greatest fear was born in this very moment." Daddy Dearest flings his hands in the air and vanishes through the front doors. "Ever since this moment," Barbas continues, "when you experience happiness, tragedy follows." Grams disappears into the parlor. Hallucinatory Piper clutches her doll, alone and forlorn at the far end of the hall. Barbas picks up the thread of his last thought, breathing that Piper's been left nothing more than "a lifetime of pain." Hallucinatory Piper dissolves as the stained glass of the front doors morphs into brick. "A pain," Barbas finishes, "that continues on and on, even into the generation." At this, Piper, by now weeping freely, grabs at her stomach and gasps in agony. Barbas, blissed out on Piper's crippling angst, rocks back and forth a bit with his eyes closed before flickering away. Piper curls into a ball on the carpet, moaning, "Please. Not my baby!" Best scene in the episode, people.
“ 'I'm evil,' Phoebe blurts, in surprisingly lost and deeply hopeless tones of voice. Where the hell did that come from, Alyssa? Wherever you found it, do us a favor and hang on to it for a while, okay? ”
Followed immediately by one of the worst. Well, one of the worst if we're evaluating these things in terms of realized potential. Back in the attic, Phoebe flips Raige over, and, heeding the slurred exhortations of the hallucinatory Barbas, snatches up a nearby dagger, plunging it into Raige's chest. Of course, once the dagger hits home, hallucinatory Barbas morphs back into the grievously-injured Raige. Not only does Alyssa Milano's horrified reaction shot leave me unmoved, but then they halt the momentum by cutting away to commercial. Idiots. They should have gone to black right after Barbas morphed back into Raige, and allowed Phoebe's reaction to begin and build through what follows the break.
Says the expert in television editing techniques.
And we're back. Phoebe cradles the unconscious and profusely bleeding Raige's head in her lap, rocking back and forth and shuddering with great gasping sobs while calling for Piper. Barbas leans in to Phoebe's ear and makes with the mind-fuck. Yes, Phoebe did conquer her fear of losing a sister, but that was replaced by what's tormenting her now, wasn't it? "It takes somebody really evil," he whispers, "to kill with a vengeance like that. That's who you are. It's kind of like your greatest fear just sort of came to life." Phoebe's pre-verbal with the weeping and such. Barbas rises to his feet above her with the bloody dagger in his hand. He prepares to jam the thing into Phoebe's neck, and...
...dissolves into a cloud of black goo that presently coagulates back into Barbas form closer to the attic door. Piper, Hands Of Discontent still in attack position, greets him with, "Playing on an expectant mother's fears? Good one." She places her hands on her hips and grits, "But not good enough." She flings out her hands once more, but Barbas blinks away just before he erupts into another cloud of goo. Several of the bricks covering the attic's bay window vanish, and a brilliant beam of high-powered cheese floods the room to illuminate Phoebe and Raige in their Pieta-like position on the floor. Piper kneels in front of them as Phoebe babbles through her tears that she mistook Raige for the demon himself. Piper assures Phoebe that she's not at fault (go figure), and urges Phoebe to confess her fear so that Piper can help her overcome it. "I'm evil," Phoebe blurts, in surprisingly lost and deeply hopeless tones of voice. Where the hell did that come from, Alyssa? Wherever you found it, do us a favor and hang on to it for a while, okay? Piper blinks back her own tears as she insists, "I have known you my entire life, and there's not a mean bone in your body!" No comment, because Alyssa Milano nails her line. It's only one word, yet she infuses a stammering, "But. --" with far more despair than I would previously have thought possible. "No!" Piper barks, her voice thick with emotion. "Not a chance in Hell." Phoebe locks despairing eyes with Piper over her continued gasping sobs, and the remaining bricks in the attic windows somehow dissolve. Very nice. Shame the rest of the episode had to drag this last couple of scenes down.