Kern & Co. are screwing with my mind. I'm serious. How do I know? Tonight's secret phrase is "secret." Damn them all to Hell.
Manor kitchen. Piper and Raige futz silently with an astonishing array of breakfast goodies before being loudly interrupted by the entrance of Phoebe. She's running late for jury duty and needs to caffeinate. Now. ["God in heaven, does she ever." -- Sars] "Banter" ensues over Phoebe's lack of sleep and her intended vote in what apparently is a capital trial. Phoebe reminds Piper and Raige that she can't discuss the case outside of the courtroom, but allows that her sleeplessness has more to do with a lack of Cole than disturbing nightmares spawned by gruesome crime scene photographs. Cole told Phoebe he "needed some time to find himself and figure out who he was without his demon side," and bolted. I need someone to explain to me why Cole would disappear after Phoebe finally accepted his marriage proposal, and no, a "camping trip" with Darryl is not an acceptable option here. Wouldn't he have ditched the Manor to "find himself" immediately after receiving a vial of Demon Be Gone in his back, rather than waiting around for a month and a half? I understand the juggling of episodes that occurred earlier in the season, what with the producers treading lightly as far as viewers' sensibilities were concerned, but why are they still flipping around the episodes' apparent order this late in the game? The timeline has been screwed so thoroughly by so many people, it's syphilitic.
Anyway, Raige makes an Iron John joke that was doddering its way towards senility back in the '80s while Phoebe guzzles coffee and checks her watch. "Ohmigod. Gotta go," she blurts, and stomps out towards the front door. Piper and Raige skitter after her, attempting a bit slyly to pump her for more information about the trial. Phoebe -- smart enough to see through their wicked, deceptive ways, but still too stupid to get out of jury duty in the first place -- reminds them once again of the injunction against discussing details of the case before a verdict has been rendered. Raige won't take contempt of court or the risk of a mistrial for an answer. Phoebe can trust them with the information, she argues. "Nobody keeps secrets better than us. We are the mistresses of secrets." Oh, Lord. I smell a theme. I don't think I'll be getting too far ahead of myself or this episode if I guess right now that each of the Glamorous Ladies will prove this statement false within the fifteen minutes. Phoebe, mollified by Raige's sincerity, reveals that "it would be [her] supreme pleasure to send that murdering bastard straight to Hell -- by legal means, not magical." This from the same person who told the fiancée of one of Cole's murder victims that capital punishment in Cole's case would only serve to "keep him from doing future good," so everyone should just ignore his past transgressions. Hypocrisy on Phoebe's part, or stupidity on the writers'? You decide.
Phoebe gathers up her coat and purse and yanks open the front door to reveal Slampiece Glenn striding across the porch. She yodels a quick hello before disappearing down the walk. Raige flings herself into Glenn's arms, wondering what brought him to the Manor. He's just returned from Australia and, having heard of her move, decided to drop by to check up on her. And to skive a free place to stay before he heads to Nepal, apparently. Raige immediately insists that he crash in her room, and hustles him up the stairs. As is her wont, Piper is most displeased. The Ps "don't usually have houseguests, because of all the obvious reasons," Piper notes. Raige argues that they can trust the slampiece to keep his mouth shut. Raige has, after all, known Glenn since kindergarten. Given their sleeping arrangements as of late, this piece of information is decidedly disturbing. Piper attempts to argue, but Raige shuts her down, choosing instead to scamper upstairs to get her some of that grubby twentysomething-backpacker action. Piper slits her eyes as she grinds her teeth into nubby little stumps.
Cut to a courtroom elsewhere in the city. A woman wearing a demure grey suit and far too much eye make-up snits her way through a closing argument dripping with contempt for the defendant's alibi. The defendant led the police directly to his ex-wife's pincushion of a corpse because, he claimed, he had a "premonition" of her murder. "That's what Mr. Provazolli expects you to believe to counter the overwhelming physical evidence against him," D.A. Almay notes. Said "overwhelming physical evidence" includes the murder weapon -- a dagger Mr. P "has admitted to using in his own magic show." We get a shot of Mr. P consulting with his lawyer. Mr. P, who would look exactly like Mr. Demartino from Daria if he only had that protruding bloodshot eye, is wearing a short-sleeved salmon button-down shirt, a smartly-patterned deep green tie, and a wristwatch with a matching salmon band. For some odd reason, I find it difficult to believe Mr. P was ever married to a woman. Maybelline says so, though, so I guess I'll have to go along with it. D.A. Almay passes the dagger to the jury as she urges them to convict Mr. P of first-degree murder. The dagger slowly makes its way into Phoebe's hands. Once it arrives there, Phoebe is immediately flung into a premonition of her own. Oooh, and it comes with a complimentary continuity error, too! Shadows on a wall of a man kneeling over a prone, struggling woman. The man holds the woman down with his right hand while hacking away at her with his left. Cut to a close-up of a tattoo on the hacking arm, which has magically switched to the attacker's right. The tattoo, on the inside of the continuity error's forearm, is of Medusa's head. The dagger clatters to the floor of the jury box as Phoebe snaps out of her vision. While the judge repeatedly asks Phoebe if she's all right, Phoebe glances over at Mr. P, who happens to be scratching the back of his head with his right arm at that moment. No tattoo. Phoebe darts her eyes back towards the judge as we're all flung into the opening credits.
Back from the break, the jurors are sequestered to begin deliberations. A fat, balding, overbearing wop in a loud shirt clutches a cigar and makes a joke about premonitions. Save the pissy emails. If he's going to play it as a stereotype, I get to call him The Wop. Also: a cigar? In a jury room? In 2002? In California? Whatever. The foreman -- a gaunt, revenant version of Ben Chaplin -- attempts to call the deliberations to order. He's shouted down by The Wop, who insists on an immediate vote. Eleven of the jurors vote to convict. Guess who the lone holdout is? The Wop barks something at Phoebe, who excuses herself for a moment and darts into the bathroom. Once she's secured the door behind her, Phoebe hisses for the Dolt. He orbs in and, at Phoebe's command, orbs her immediately back to the Manor.
Manor parlor. Phoebe finishes explaining her vision as she, Piper, Raige, and the Dolt arrange themselves on various pieces of overstuffed furniture. Phoebe proposes that Piper and the Dolt contact Darryl to gain access to Mr. P, whose given name is revealed to be "Stan." Stan perhaps will recognize the Medusa's Head Of Flawed Continuity and be able to direct them to the real killer. There are O.J. jokes just waiting to happen throughout this episode, but as O.J.'s latest girlfriend turned up breathing despite promising initial evidence to the contrary, you'll have to make your own. Raige, for some dim reason, wonders if the Charmed Ones are in the business of capturing killers of a non-demonic nature. Raige? Yeah, over here. I've got a question for you. If Phoebe received a premonition starring the real killer, why would you assume the guy's human? I'll give you time to think about your answer while I continue with the recap. Slampiece Glenn wanders into the conversation at this point, looking for the kitchen. There's a bit of unfunny business involving what the slampiece may or may not have heard, and hey, what's Phoebe doing back at the Manor, anyway? Slampiece Glenn thought she had jury duty. Raige leaps to her feet to push him kitchenwards as Phoebe hisses, "Is he staying here?" Piper confirms this. Piper and Phoebe glare at each other.
Meanwhile, back at The Palace Of Justice, The Wop bangs impatiently on the bathroom door. Does he drop dead of a massive calzone-induced heart attack very soon? Because I just noticed he's got a chunky gold pinky ring in addition to all of his other strident wop-like accouterments, and I want him gone. A large black woman offers to fetch the bailiff just as Phoebe emerges to apologize for taking so long. "It's that time of the month," she overshares. The Wop grimaces in disgust. Shut up, Wop. He doesn't listen to me. He demands that Phoebe cast her vote on the matter at hand. Phoebe stalls, urging her fellow jurors to "consider the possibility that [Stan] might actually be a psychic." Revenant Ben looks lost. The large black woman rolls her eyes and purses her lips. Phoebe refuses to vote until she has gone over "every. Single. Piece" of the evidence. General groaning and dismay. Oh, can it. All of you. Try recapping this crap before you come at me with the groaning and the angst. Assholes.
Manor kitchen. Raige passes the slampiece a sandwich. The slampiece has been receiving a "strange vibe" from the goings-on in the Manor. He "overheard words like 'killer' and 'supernatural'" back there in the parlor. What's Raige gotten herself into? Raige is torn. Should she be honest with him, she seems to wonder, thereby abdicating her role as "mistress of secrets"? Damned if I care. Piper and the Dolt enter to let Raige know that they've arranged a meeting with Stan. Raige begs off, claiming she has to motor on over to the BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. Visibly relieved to get away from the slampiece's prying questions, Raige darts out into the hall, followed by Piper. The Dolt grins awkwardly at Glenn before excusing himself as well. The slampiece munches ominously on a potato chip.
Out in the hall, Piper browbeats Raige for leaving the slampiece alone in the Manor. Raige counters that she can't very well have him tag along to the BLACK HOLE. The Dolt steps in to announce, "[Raige], keeping your secret has to be the most important thing." Raige spins on her heel to snit that she is keeping her secret by "lying to [her] best friend," despite how rotten that makes her feel. Piper asserts that Raige is missing the point. She can't let an outsider remain in the Manor unsupervised. Raige ignores this sage advice, babbling on about maintaining a life separate from witchcraft as Piper and Phoebe earlier urged her to do. Glenn emerges from the kitchen to butt in on their conversation again, like, lurk behind a corner if you want to eavesdrop, jackass. And knock it off with the insincere wiggling of gangly apologetic shoulders while you're at it. Piper grunts in frustration and orders Raige to "lock up all the doors" before she leaves for work. Piper and the Dolt stomp past Raige to leave for their appointment. Glenn asks Raige of Piper, "Is she always that much of a bitch?" Okay, he actually says, "Is she always that friendly?" but we all know what he means. Raige nods her head around a bit before kissing Glenn goodbye. He heads back to the kitchen as she shuts the front door behind her.
Palace Of Justice. Piper and the Dolt enter an interrogation room with Stan's lawyer -- a pinched, pencil-necked, bespectacled geek. I mention those details only because from them we are to assume that the lawyer is meek and uninspired in the defense of his client, as indeed he will prove himself to be shortly. The geek is having a bit of trouble wrapping his mind around the purpose of their visit. With the jury currently in deliberations, "only a miracle" can save his client from a trip to the chair. Or the gas chamber. Or whatever the hell it is they use to execute criminables in California these days. Piper tells him to put a sock in it. Darryl vouched for them, and they have reason to believe his client is innocent. Isn't that enough? Stan enters at this moment, and introductions are made. Piper quickly cuts to the chase. She and the Dolt believe Stan when he claims to have had a vision of his wife's murder, and they need Stan to provide as many details of his premonition as he can. The geek tries to shut down this line of inquiry, only to be shut down himself by his more manly and aggressive client. Because short-sleeved salmon shirts are a sure sign of virility. Stan reveals that he doesn't need premonitions to know who killed his ex-wife. "Angie" was doing the books for the magic club in which Stan worked. She noticed that the owner, "Andrew Wike," was using the club as a front to launder money. When Wike discovered that Angie had relayed this information to her ex-husband, Wike whacked her. Piper asks Stan if he'd noticed at any point a Medusa's Head Of Flawed Continuity on Wike's Enron. I mean, "forearm." Stan, unfortunately, hadn't. Piper "no worries" her way around this and exits with the Dolt. Stan furrows his manly salmon brow.
Arthur Andersen's House Of Magic. Piper tiptoes in with the Dolt, who suggests they return when the club is open. Piper dismisses this, as they don't have time. As they chat, a rat scurries across the floor. Piper shrieks and freezes it. "Demons you can handle, but not rats?" queries the Dolt. Piper sneers at him and unfreezes the rodent. A rodent of a different sort strides in from a back room and yells, "Hey! What you two doin' in here?" What is with the goddamn goombah accents tonight? I'm gonna call my Uncle Nicky and have him put a hit on Aaron Spelling. Kidding. Bookies just bust kneecaps. Besides, Uncle Nicky's been dead for twenty-four years. Anyway, this latest stereotype to strut down the guinea gangplank orders Piper and the Dolt to leave. As he does so, he gestures forcefully with his right arm, revealing the Medusa's Head Of Flawed Continuity etched thereon. Piper regards him warily, then steps out of the frame into commercial.
Palace Of Justice. Phoebe continues to press for an acquittal. Her fellow jurors, who are more ethnically diverse than that crowd on the bus in Speed, protest vehemently. Phoebe launches into a defense of the magical, trying to convince the United Colors Of Jury Duty that things like precognition and heavenly guardians really do exist. "Did you ever know who was calling before you answered the phone?" she asks. "Tanya," she adds, addressing the large black woman, "why are you wearing an angel pin?" If the jurors can accept these things, then why can't they accept the idea the defendant is gifted with visions? The Wop yells at Phoebe, and Revenant Ben calls for another vote. So much for the pep talk. Fortunately for Phoebe, the Dolt orbs into the bathroom with Piper at that moment. Phoebe supposedly notices his arrival by catching sight of a subtle orby glimmer under the door. However, that glissading orby susurration hits the soundtrack at the same time, so maybe she heard him. Why Phoebe would hear this when the others in the room would not is, of course, left unanswered. Phoebe scoots into the bathroom, shouting, "Nature calls!" over her shoulder.
Toilet Of Justice. Piper and the Dolt clue Phoebe in on Wike's existence. Unfortunately, they have no real evidence linking him to the crime. The Dolt suggests that Piper and Raige toss a little voodoo his way to elicit a confession while Phoebe keeps the howling jurors at bay. Piper doesn't like the idea of revealing their secret powers to a murderer, but goes along with the plan when the Dolt rightly notes that no one would believe Wike if he blabbed about the gals. Phoebe instructs Piper to have Raige search the Book of Shadows for any appropriate spells, as they could use all the help they can get. Having agreed to a plan, Piper and the Dolt orb away. Phoebe fixes her face and twists the doorknob.
As she walks through, the tracking shot following her dissolves from the Toilet Of Justice to the Manor attic. Slampiece Glenn reclines upon a settee, paging nonchalantly through the Book of Shadows. Raige enters and gasps in horror. Glenn wags his eyebrows at her and notes that he decided to take a look around the Manor after he noticed the pig's feet, rabbit's blood, and frog tongue in the refrigerator. "I found way more than I bargained for," he adds. Raige splutters she can explain, but explanations will have to wait. "If Piper finds us up here, she'll freak," she stresses. Glenn's freaking on his very own, thanks very much, and has no intention of going anywhere until Raige convinces him she's not in danger. Raige heaves a weary sigh and fills him in on the whole Charmed Ones concept. Glenn thinks Raige has been "brainwashed." Wait. Is that a Patty Hearst reference? Because Juror Number Eight over at the Palace Of Justice was a middle-aged bleached blonde, though I must admit I didn't get a look at her shoes. Anyway, Raige insists everything's fine. She's the same person he's always known, "it's just that now if [she makes] a rhyme, magic happens." She reminds him that he met "witch doctors" on one of his trips to Africa. How is she different from them? "Those guys," Glenn replies, "were, like, a hundred years old, and they speak in tongues, and you're...you." Raige sits to him and flips through the Book, searching for a spell that will "stretch [Glenn's] imagination." Glenn still thinks she's nuts, but agrees to it. Raige takes his hand and recites the following:
Let mind and body soar
To heights not reached before;
Let limits stretch
That you may catch
A new truth to explore.
The slampiece makes an hilarious "uh-huhh" sound as he mock-shudders. "I don't feel any different," he notes eventually. Piper calls from below, leading Raige to hop to her feet in search of a place to hide the slampiece. She makes it halfway across the room before Glenn stops her by elongating his arm to rest a hand on her shoulder. Glenn's arm is now about fifteen feet long. Now, I realize I'm a rank amateur as far as magic spells are concerned, but what in the hell is turning him into Stretch Gordon supposed to accomplish? Why would they have that spell in the damn Book? What twisted, kinky "truth" is one meant to "explore" with this ability? On second thought, don't answer that. I really don't want to know.
Great. I just grossed myself out. Ew.
In any case, Raige and Glenn goggle a bit before he retracts his arm. Upon Piper's entrance, Raige lames that she was just giving the slampiece a tour, and pushes Glenn out of the room. Piper notices the BoS lying open on the settee and, grasping gently in both hands whatever self-control and patience she might have left, grits, "You showed him the Book?" Raige relates the sordid tale of errant potion ingredients in the fridge and whatnot. Piper and the Dolt smack her around for not locking the attic. Raige cuts through the crap to restate her opinion that Glenn can be trusted to keep his mouth shut. Piper loses it: "You're trusting him with a secret that is all of ours, not just yours." Raige asks, "So, you're asking me to choose between having any friends at all and being a witch?" Piper: "Yes! I have!" Snicker. The Dolt orders the ladies to calm down. He sends them off to Arthur Andersen's House Of Magical Accounting and orbs back to the Toilet Of Justice to check on Phoebe. Piper and Raige glower at each other for a bit before exiting.
Palace Of Justice. Phoebe lectures the captive United Colors Of Jury Duty on the history of magic in the world. Revenant Ben has had enough. He demands one final vote. If they can't agree, he'll inform the judge that the jury has hung. Phoebe leaps to her feet to prevent this, shrieking about angels and fairies and Cupid. Revenant Ben glares at her for a moment before calling for the bailiff. Ben asks the bailiff to have the judge remove Phoebe and replace her with one of the alternates. Which, were I the damn foreman, I'd have done hours ago. Phoebe offers them all a deal: If she can prove the existence of "supernatural" magic to them all, they'll agree to acquit. If she fails in this, she'll agree to convict. Phoebe asks the bailiff to procure five white candles and some incense and sage. "I'm going to summon the dead," she promises. Tanya makes a "no she di'int!" face. The Wop waves his cigar hand around and says, "Oooh!" Phoebe sits silently and photogenically chews her thumbnail.
Arthur Andersen's House Of Magical Accounting. Piper and Raige edge warily through the door, reviewing their intended plan. Piper will play "bad witch," frightening Guinea Wike with various shots of voodoo, while Raige plays "good witch," urging him to confess before Piper kills him. Raige snots something about revealing their secret to random murderers. Piper tells her to shove it. There's a difference, she rightly points out, between revealing themselves to save the innocent and revealing themselves to entertain grubby continent-hopping slampieces. As Piper finishes reading Raige her beads, Guinea Wike opens the curtain on the club's stage to set up for that evening's performance. Piper flicks her wrist, yells, "Boo!" and blows up a prop just as Wike reaches for it. Guinea Wike winces from the blast and turns to confront the Ps, rubbing his hand. "What are you?" he demands. "What do you want?" "A confession," Piper coolly replies, and calmly blows up another section of the set. Wike feigns ignorance. Piper snits, "Angela Prova-zolli found out about your little money-laundering operation, so you killed her," blowing up more pieces of the set for added emphasis. Guinea Wike continues to prevaricate. Piper threatens to move onto body parts while making the international gesture for ripping off another's balls. Guinea Wike, goombah that he is, clutches the boys and sings like a choirboy. Angela threatened to lead the police to "Pier 86" with the information she pulled from the club. Had she done so, "they" would have killed not only her, but also Wike and the police. "Who are 'they'?" Piper asks. "Believe me, you don't wanna know," Guinea Wike pants before tossing a smoke bomb to the floor. He disappears in the haze, much like the Legion Of Dim a couple of weeks ago on Buffy. Piper and Raige scamper to the stage to find a trapdoor hidden beneath a carpet. They exit stage left to find the stairs to the basement.
Speaking of the basement, Guinea Wike rises to his feet from the concrete below to be greeted by a rat on one of the pipes. Guinea Wike is most a-feared, for he knows the end is nigh. The rat glows red, then flares out into the form of a black-clad, goateed demon. He speaks in a vaguely British accent, which under normal circumstances would irritate me to no end. However, given tonight's apparent preferred choice of bad-guy accents, I'm grateful he's not another meathead from Bensonhurst. Ratman, who has deep red beetle eyes, excoriates Guinea Wike for, um, ratting him out to the Charmed Ones. Ow. I'm sorry. That one hurt me while I was typing it. Ratman waves his left hand around, and Guinea Wike disappears in a red glow, shrinking down to the floor as he does so. When the glow dissipates, Guinea Wike has been transformed into an endearing little taupe-colored rodent. "Dinnertime," Ratman seethes, and a dozen other rats pour from holes in the walls to attack. Surprisingly, the sight of eight or nine cannibal rats chewing on the tiny, bloodied Guinea Wike is a bit chilling. Not surprisingly, this Charmed-induced chill lasts all of two seconds. Ratman hears the approach of Piper and Raige and morphs back down to rodent form. Raige scuttles into the basement first and screams. Piper, echoing the Dolt, asks, "Demons you can handle, but not rats?" Raige shakes her head at this and points to the Guinea tartare on the floor. Piper claps a hand to her mouth, aghast. The two inch their way backwards out of the basement and into commercial.
Manor. Piper and Raige enter the foyer and veer off into the parlor as Glenn sneaks down the main stairs behind them. As he hides in the dining room, Piper bemoans the fact that, while they have Guinea Wike's confession on tape, there is little hope of exonerating Stan Stan The Salmon Man without knowing where Wike is. Glenn chooses this moment to grope Raige's ass by surreptitiously extending his arm. Raige yips in surprise. Piper glares and demands to know what gives. Without looking, Glenn extends his arm again and ends up with a handful of Piper's ankle. Angst and recriminations. "You cast a spell on him?" Piper howls. Raige and Glenn mumble excuses, but Piper's not having it. She freezes Glenn and continues to tear into Raige, bringing up the circumstances surrounding the death of The Late Lamented as she does so. The Dolt orbs into the middle of this with news of Phoebe's latest cunning plan. She intends to call back Angie Provolone from The Great Beyond to set the jury straight on her murder. Raige is outraged when she hears the details. It's okay for Phoebe to reveal their secret to an entire jury, but she's still catching shit for telling the slampiece? The Dolt shouts her down. The mitigating factors in Phoebe's situation allow for such an action. The problem, as the Dolt reveals, is that summoning the dead requires The Power Of Three. Piper's uneasy with the whole idea, but relents when she stumbles across a cunning plan of her own to supplement Phoebe's. Piper unfreezes Glenn, who makes appropriate "guh?" noises upon noting the presence of the Dolt. Raige tells him to sit tight and order a pizza while she leaves with the others to assist Phoebe. The Ps plus the Dolt orb out as Glenn gapes up at the ceiling. Unbeknownst to him, Ratman in rat form has scritched his way down the stairs behind him. The Ratcam closes in on Glenn's heels before the shot cuts away.
Palace Of Justice. Night has fallen, and the United Colors Of Jury Duty grumble impatiently as Phoebe recites the following over an array of candles:
Beloved spirit Angela,
I seek your guidance.
I ask that you commune with me
And move among us.
Nothing happens. Revenant Ben shouts for the bailiff to have him inform the judge that they've reached a verdict. Tanya offers to hit the lights as The Wop rises to stretch. Phoebe babbles out the spell once more in desperation. Meanwhile, Piper cracks open the door to The Toilet Of Justice and twists her hand in the direction of the United Colors. All of the jurors freeze. Piper enters to rip Phoebe a new one for exposing them all as witches to the California court system. Phoebe splutters that Stan Stan The Salmon Man is being "persecuted" for having the same power of premonition as she, and she can't let him go to jail. Piper shuts her up with the revelation that she and Raige will help her summon the dead bookkeeper. Raige and the Dolt are surprised to hear this. Piper proposes that the Dolt sprinkle "magic dust" on the United Colors Of Jury Duty after they've rendered a verdict of not guilty, thereby wiping out their short-term memories. "Magic dust"? Jesus. The Tinkerbell association will only further the assumption that the Dolt is a little light in his loafers. Raige wonders why the Dolt doesn't use this power of his more often. He explains that "magic dust" (snerk) is reserved for only the most dire of situations, as one has no control over which memories one is erasing. The dust recipient might forget something important yet unrelated to the memory in question, such as an appointment or a birthday. Piper overrules the Dolt's reservations, as she "cannot live with [the United Colors] knowing [their] secret, knowing that at any minute [the Ps] would have to relive the hell [they] went through with [the Late Lamented]." The Dolt ponders this for a moment, then agrees.
Piper, Phoebe, and Raige clasp hands and recite a longer version of the earlier summoning spell:
All Three:
Hear these words. Hear our cry,
Spirit from the other side.
Come to us; we summon thee.
Cross now the great divide.
Phoebe Alone:
Beloved spirit Angela,
We seek your guidance.
We ask that you commune with us
And move amongst us.
A cold wind blows through the room, signaling the dead bookkeeper's imminent arrival. Piper, Raige, and the Dolt quickly retreat to The Toilet Of Justice. Once there, Piper twists her hand around again, unfreezing the United Colors. The jurors snap out of it just as an ectoplasmic haze spreads out in the air above the circle of candles on the table. Presently, the spectral presence of the late Angie Provolone appears. Long story short, she confirms Stan Stan The Salmon Man's version of events. The United Colors Of Jury Duty rest their respective jaws on the floor. Angie disappears. Smash cut to Revenant Ben proudly announcing "Not guilty!" in the courtroom. D.A. Almay breathes, "Unbelievable," looking for all the world like she's ready to brain Juror Number Eight with a pay phone out in the lobby. Stan Stan The Salmon Man bows his head in gratitude. Out in the gallery, Piper instructs the Dolt to "dust 'em," with Raige reminding him to include the bailiff in his sprightly little escapade. Stan approaches Piper and Raige as Phoebe sidles over from the jury box. He thanks them for their help. Piper notes that his dead ex-wife did all the hard work; they merely facilitated her appearance. Phoebe encourages him to develop his "gift." Stan bulges out his right eye and screams, "Wanna see what I can do with my new TEETH?" Okay, not so much, but if Daria, God forbid, ever becomes a live-action movie, this guy has the part of Demartino nailed.
Back at the Manor, Piper and Phoebe continue to lecture Raige on the varying shades of grey involved in self-revelation. "Our secret is never more important than saving somebody's life," Phoebe counsels, but Raige must learn the necessity of maintaining said secret on a strict need-to-know basis. This nattering ends when Glenn groans from the stairwell landing. He's suspended a foot above the carpeting by a crappy CGI ring of red flame constricting his neck. Ratman the rodent scuttles down the stairs before morphing up into Ratman the demon. "You have one hour to deliver the tape," he oozes, "or 'Stretch' here is dead." Ratman latches onto Glenn's arm and super-speeds in a red blur through the front doors, violently shattering them into an explosion of splinters and shards of glass as he goes. The Ps and the Dolt gape at the wreckage as we cut to commercial.
Manor. Aftermath. Raige paces and frets over the fate of her kidnapped kindergarten slampiece. Piper wonders why demons would hire a human to launder money in the first place. The Dolt notes that demons need money to move unnoticed through the world, which is something Cole told them all last season, like, get on the stick, you morons. Raige fears that without a bargaining chip, they have no assurance that Ratman won't just kill Glenn even if they do give him the tape. The Dolt has a suggestion. Ratman is more than likely an underling charged only with the day-to-day operations of Arthur Andersen's House Of Magical Accounting. If they go over Ratman's head to his boss, they might be able to broker a deal. Either the chief of the entire operation guarantees Glenn's safety in exchange for Guinea Wike's confession, or the Charmed Ones will take down the whole organization. Piper finds this promising. She proposes that Phoebe and Raige head to the club to bluff for more time while she and the Dolt head to Pier 86 to negotiate. Raige nixes this idea. She was the one who threw her kidnapped kindergarten slampiece in harm's way. Therefore, she should be the one to negotiate with the rat's boss. After Piper and Phoebe voice a few misgivings, the four agree on Raige's version of the plan. Raige and the Dolt orb out.
Pier 86, and it's lousy with rats. Raige calls out a few threats involving exposure and the Charmed Ones and whatnot. Various rats respond by morphing up into black-clad demonic enforcers. There's an abundance of unfortunate facial hair here, and a lot of it appears to be glued on. The head rat -- and no, I will not be making a "dirty knees" joke, nor will I be calling him "Tony Soprano" -- approaches and leers into Raige's face: "We're listening." Cut to the club. Piper and Raige confront Ratman and demand that he release Glenn. Ratman agrees to do so only after he's received the audiocassette. He also notes that should anything unfortunate befall him, the crappy CGI ring of red flame will decapitate the kidnapped kindergarten slampiece. Oh, don't make promises you know you can't keep, Ratty. I would love to see that happen, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Phoebe hands him Guinea Wike's taped confession. Ratman, naturally, reneges on his promise and tightens the ring around Glenn's neck. Suddenly, Ratman himself bursts into flame and blazes his merry way down to Hell. After he's gone, the High Rat Council squiggles onto the stage. One of the henchrats kneels to retrieve the tape, which, oddly enough, didn't go up in flames along with Ratman. Raige and the Dolt orb in off to the side, and Raige immediately races over to Glenn. After receiving assurances that he's holding the only copy of Wike's confession, the head rat releases Glenn, who snipers to the stage amid wails and groans. The head rat notes that they'll "consider this one a draw," and squiggles out with the henchrats. The Ps plus Glenn and the Dolt gape at each other.
Manor, the morning after the night before. Piper gazes on as the Dolt, clad in jeans, a grey t-shirt, and a toolbelt, puts some finishing touches on the reconstructed front doors. Where is this coming from? I mean, I know he was their handyman for a while, but they haven't had the little pussy risk a splinter in over two seasons. And the "banter" is just making me sick. The Dolt "like[s] working with [his] hands." Titter titter, nudge nudge. Piper likes guys in toolbelts. Bun chicka wah wah. I like getting through an hour of this show without vomiting. SO SHUT THE HELL UP. Besides, Piper, the Dolt's a hardhat and a handlebar moustache away from joining the frigging Village People. Thankfully, Raige emerges from the parlor at this moment with Slampiece Glenn. He's decided it's probably for the best if he crashes with a friend over in Oakland for the remainder of his stay. He also reveals that Raige's childhood nickname was "Noogie." We'll never again hear that referenced, nor will we ever again see Glenn, so let's all just wave goodbye as he exits the Manor, shall we? Once he's gone, Raige proffers an apology to Piper: "You're right. Keeping our secret is the most important thing. I should have listened to you." Piper graciously grants Raige's plea for forgiveness, and admits that she herself "can be a little harsh at times." Phoebe squirrels in through the door to note the Dolt's fairy dust had its expected effect on the United Colors Of Jury Duty. When she dropped by Tanya's apartment, Tanya thought she was the Avon lady. Raige hesitates for a moment, wondering if the Dolt should sprinkle the fairy dust on Glenn as well. The Dolt doesn't want to, and fortunately for him, Piper and Phoebe agree that it's not necessary. If Raige can trust Glenn to keep his mouth shut, they can as well. The gals link arms to head down the hall as the Dolt bends over to futz with the doorknob (shut up) and we fade to black.
week: "Full frontal Phoebe." Shudder.