Travel back in time with me to January 20, 1997. On that date, a post-Monica-yet-pre-MonicaGate Bill Clinton was sworn in for his second term, much to the dismay of my staunchly Republican father -- who was celebrating his sixty-fifth birthday that evening. The jury hearing the civil complaint against O.J. Simpson would soon hand down a verdict in favor of the parents of Ron Goldman, around the same time Louise Woodward made a frantic call to 911. A Haitian immigrant named Abner Louima would not be brutally sodomized with a broom handle by one of New Yorks finest for another few months, and the American publics collective sense of good taste would not be brutally sodomized with Dawsons Creek by the WB for another year. Feeling pretty good about the world at that time, aint ya? Well, wipe that damn smile off your face. For on that evening, as Bill and Hillary danced under Ms. Lewinskys jealous gaze, as Mom and Dad hit the Red Lobster for some surf n turf a couple of hundred miles north of Washington, as those jurors finessed the details of the final settlement, as Louise put Matthew Eappen down for one of his final naps, as Mr. Louima and his friends headed off to Club Rendez-vous for a night of unmolested cocktailing, as James Van Der Beek laid his enormous head down to rest in the obscurity to which I pray he will shortly return, a Shannen Doherty vehicle known as Friends 'Til The End aired on national television.
I wont lie and pretend I watched it that evening. (It was a Monday. After Melrose Place, the Polish Princess and I headed to the friendly neighborhood gay bar for show tunes. Sue me.) I wont even lie and pretend I cared at all about Shannen Dohertys career at that point. Were this an innocent and just world, I would never have heard of this made-for-TV version of Single White Female meets the Lillehammer Womens Figure Skating Finals meets The Monkees meets "Sorority Girls From Hell." Unfortunately, VH-1 ("We Put Music Headfirst Into The Toilet And Give It A Swirlie") has decided this is indeed A Movie That Rocks. As such, the "film" has been played and replayed and thoroughly played out over the last couple of years on that channel alongside movies far more deserving of the "Movies That Rock" appellation. (Yes, weep. For The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Airheads rock much harder than this. Then again, I wont be holding my breath waiting for the VH-1 debut of Hedwig And The Angry Inch.)
Friends 'Til The End
Because VH-1 is one of those stations that announce programming start times that hit the hour precisely yet is also one of those stations that actually begins the damn shows a couple of minutes or so beforehand, my tape cuts into the movie after the title card and Shannen Dohertys opening credit. Fortunately for me, these evidently appeared over the tap stylings of one Chris Aguilar to the tune of "Give My Regards To Broadway." Its fortunate because, even though I am a show-tune queen of the highest (okay, lowest) order, even I cannot stand the sight of precious, precocious moppets tippy-tapping their way through municipal talent shows. The camera pans through the backstage area past various costumed brats to a ridiculously convenient and brightly-lit makeup table set up in the middle of the room. Perched on stools in front of the mirrors are two tweenish girls -- a bleached blonde and a be-banged brunette. Their respective mothers stand behind them, fiddling with their girls hair. Im tempted to call the kids "Alyssa" and "Shannen," and their mothers "Lin" and, um, "Mrs. Shannen," but thats way too obvious. So anyway, Nancy Kerrigans mother brushes a stray tendril of hair from her daughters face and gently asks if shes nervous. Nance cops to feeling a little tense just as Tonya Hardings mom yanks her kids hair a bit too hard, eliciting an "Ow!" Mrs. Kerrigan takes this opportunity to present her daughter with a gift shed been saving for the girls birthday. Nancy eases open the lid of a lacquered heart-shaped box to find a small silver pendant in the shape of a pair of ice skates. Oops. I mean, "musical notes." Nancy is as deeply touched by the gift as a saccharine movie-of-the-week twelve-year-old can be. "I love it," she declares, baring a frightening array of bleached and straightened teeth in the process. Over in the other chair, Tonya busies herself by applying even more blush to her already overly-rouged cheeks. Mrs. Harding tells her daughter to knock it off with the cosmetics. "You dont want to look like a clown," she grumps. Too late. The kids got on more blue eye-shadow, black mascara, pink lip gloss, and red rouge than Tammy Faye Messner on one of her worst days.
Nancy has fastened the pendant around her neck. Mrs. Kerrigan smoothes Nancys hair one more time and places a light kiss on her forehead. "I love you," she croons. "Youll be great." The two exchange a round of tender smiles, and Mrs. Kerrigan leaves to make her way back to her seat in the auditorium. Meanwhile, Mrs. Mommie Dearest Harding continues to belittle her loinspawn. Tonya begs her mother to convince someone else to perform before her. "Something bad will happen if I go on ," she asserts. Mommies not having it. "Remember how we worked on controlling our compulsive thoughts," she condescends, and no, I dont know what she means by that either. Mommie Harding then spins Tonya around, forcing her to stare at herself in the mirror while gritting with bugged eyes, "You. Can. Do. This. Suzy!" "Suzy"? Bwa! Im sticking with "Tonya." And do we get it already? Mrs. Kerrigan is sweet and supportive, which is why her daughter will win lucrative endorsement deals and a ride with Mickey at Disney World. Mrs. Harding is scary and psychotic, which is why her daughter will live in a trailer park off the paltry income from her honeymoon sex tape. Right.
Tonya darts her eyes over at Nancy and mumbles, "Mom, youre embarrassing me." Mrs. Harding makes with the "Fine! Do it yourself, you ungrateful little cow!" and stomps off. Tonya turns sadly to Nancy and glums, "She knows Im gonna choke." Nancy tries to reassure her with, "Youll be fine. You have to be good to get this far." The shot cuts to the stage, and "this far" is revealed to be the "SoCal Youth Talent Show." Draw your own conclusions on that one. The emcee floridly announces "Suzanne Boxer of Palmdale." Tonya looks like shes going to wet herself. Nancy bares those teeth again and tells her, "You can do it. Good luck." Im meant to interpret this as a sign of Nancys kind and giving nature, but Nancys smile doesnt quite reach her eyes, if you know what I mean. Tonya pulls herself together and emerges on stage. She crosses to hand her sheet music to the accompanist, then plants herself center behind a microphone. Scary Psycho Bitch Mommie mimes "SMILE DAMMIT" from the audience and jerks her head in the judges direction. Baby Jane Harding beams dutifully. The pianist plinks out an intro, and Tonya begins in a weak, breathy alto, "Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me." Then she blows it. If you ask me, she blew it right off the bat with her choice of material, but whatever. At least its not "Tomorrow" from Annie. She mumbles through the line of the song, then freezes. As Scary Psycho Bitch Mommie gesticulates frantically from her seat, the judges whisper dismissively amongst themselves. The emcee gallantly rises from his stool off to the side and urges Tonya to "try again later." Scary Psycho Bitch Mommie leaps indignantly to her feet and storms the stage, ordering the pianist and Tonya to continue. "Youre humiliating her," the emcee hisses. "This is none of your business," Scary Psycho Bitch Mommie spits back. Mrs. Kerrigan does not approve. The emcee hustles Harding mere et fille from the stage, Tonya screaming, "No! I havent won yet!" all the way. Upon reaching the wings, she screams the latter again into Nancys face. Nancy tells Tonya not to give up. Scary Psycho Bitch Mommie snarls, "You dont know the first thing about it!" Nancy pretends to care for a moment, then fixes that fake smile on her face again to make her entrance.
The emcee introduces Nancy as "Heather Romley of South Pasadena." Palmdale and South Pasadena? Snerk. This is even more white-trash than I thought. As the pianist plays Nancys intro, Scary Psycho Bitch Mommie tells Tonya shes "crashed and burned for the last time." "You just watch someone who knows what theyre doing," she continues as she jerks Tonya around into a pose the director ripped straight from Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? -- the scene where the preadolescent Blanche Hudson sullenly regards the performing Baby Jane from the wings. Only, you know, the hair colors been reversed. And "Ive Written A Letter To Daddy" is a hell of a lot creepier than what follows. Anyway, out on stage, Nancy charms everyone with her rendition of "Life Is Just A Bowl Of Cherries." Everyone except me, that is. The songs cloying and clichd, Nancys alto is as weak and strained as Tonyas, her phrasing is a disaster, and she keeps going flat. Would that this were the worst singing in this movie. It goes downhill from here. Trust me. Why cant I be recapping The Commitments? Sure, the acting in that is spotty at best, but at least those people can sing. ["Get Holly Marie to star in a remake and it's all yours." -- Sars] Anyway, the camera pans down from Nancys face to her hands, which she holds folded in front of her. The only hint that shes anything but entirely composed is her nervous habit of rubbing her thumbs together. The shot cuts abruptly to a much-older pair of hands, thumbs a-rubbing, held folded in front of a red satin dress. As Nancys childish warble echoes off into the past, the camera pans up a brief expanse of red satin past the silver musical-note pendant to the adult Nancys face. Nancys all grown up now, and she turned into Shannen Doherty in the process. Normally, Id call her by her characters name, but please. The real Shannen-Doherty-as-a-Heather appeared in a far superior movie.
So, Shannen smiles confidently, even though her thumbs have already betrayed her nervousness. Say goodbye to that little character tic now, as it never appears again. The camera shifts to a tracking shot from the back of what seems to be a banquet hall strung with paper lanterns. Some Nazi frat-boy jackass in a navy blue jacket, white shirt, and wide red tie is up on stage blithering on about how "its hard to pick a sweetheart" and "tradition" and "all the girls on Sorority Row [having] a special place in our hearts" and blah blah get to the goddamned point already. Shannens up on stage with the Nazi Frat-boy Jackass and three other women, participating in some sort of Greek-system beauty/popularity contest. Counting Shannen, there are two white girls, a Latina, and an Asian. Whats wrong with this picture? Shannen engages in mirthful eye-play with a scrawny boy-man in the audience, who wiggles his eyebrows at her by way of response. ["The scrawn is Jason London, brother of Jeremy and by all accounts the cuter London -- just to give y'all who haven't seen it a mental picture." -- Sars] Nazi Frat-boy Jackass grandly announces, "The Sweetheart of Kappa Pi for 1997 is Heather Romley!" Shannen feigns surprise. Hugs for the losers, a trs-classy cellophane-wrapped bouquet for the winner, and Nazi Frat-boy Jackass passes Shannen off to the scrawny boy-man. "Youre a lucky man, Simon," smarms the Nazi before he disappears for the rest of the movie. Other secondary characters receive names in quick succession. Pay attention: the Asian contestant is "Paige," the Latina is "Alison," and Simons slap-happy goateed buddy is "Sammy." There will be a test. Not. As an ovary croons, "Hold on to love," various couples twirl on the dance floor. "Ive never done it with a Sweetheart before," Simon notes. And you never will, loser, if you keep using trashy lines like that. Shannen beams up at him rather than kneeing him in the groin. Off to the side, a bespectacled (read: "unpopular and dorky geek girl who not only has no friends but also is likely lice-ridden") blonde (read: "highly implausible professional coloring job for a character supposed to be an unpopular and dorky geek girl who not only has no friends but also is likely lice-ridden") snaps photos of the event. The camera pans around behind the blondes head to show us shes focused solely on Shannen and Simon. Dun dun DUN!
Cut to the interior of Shannens sorority house, where rush is in progress. As proof of the scary Greek-system GroupThink, all of the women are wearing colored tights. All of them. Paige introduces Shannen to a couple of the rushees as the bespectacled blonde fires off another shot of Shannen from the side. She lowers the camera from her face, and its Chlo Sevigny! Kidding. She just looks like Chlo Sevigny. With really bad blue eye-shadow and too much mascara and lip gloss. Get it? GET IT? We get a slow-motion Chlo POV of Shannen flipping her hair around while the sorority-sister chit-chat babbles on underneath in real time. Paige kicks it with the exposition, telling the rushees that Shannen is in a band called "Dead Pink." No comment. Yet. Shannen invites a girl named Risa to come see the band sometime. Risas overjoyed, as she finds the guitar player dead sexy. If shes referring to that scrawny lad with the lame pick-up lines, I shall be forced to disagree strenuously. Paige and Shannen foist the rushees off on Alison as Chlo the Geek Girl lurks up behind them. Chlo introduces herself to Shannen as "Zanne Armstrong." The two apparently share an English class. Shannen greets the geek warmly, but Paige snottily takes Shannen by the arm to lead her away to a better prospect for the house. Bitch. Also: Snicker. Zanne looks like shes about to pout at the snub, but the scene cuts to a nightclub before we get a good look at the expression on her face. In keeping with the 1997 theme, I will tastelessly call the bar "Club Rendez-vous." Sorry, Abner.
“ Chlos really taking that kissing of Glamorous ass a little too far, by the way. Then again, shes insane. Just in case youve forgotten about that subtle little detail of her character. ”
Oh, dear Lord. Cut to the Scoping Fjords of Sandy Land for the video shoot proper. Im serious. Its the same desert location Roswell uses for the Pod Squads cave, complete with the jutting outcrop of rock from which the Tess-laden Granilith shot into space in the second-season finale. Dawson has littered the area with telephones, and the band performs to an old-style red British telephone booth. Dont ask me to explain. Who knows what goes on beneath that forehead of his, anyway? General shots of the band performing both on the sand and on the hood of a 1960s convertible are intercut with different band members alternately talking, singing, and screaming into the phone in the booth. The lyrics involve easy comings, along with some easy goings and a bit of the stopping, but I shall not transcribe them here. Not after that prior transcription of "Dont Be" led to that song taking up residence in my brain for five days. Nope. Not a chance. Moody boys in Hawaiian shirts. Soulful white girls in satin, printed chiffon, and go-go boots. Shannen whines the final lyric into the phone as a production assistant sprays the booths exterior with a hose. You know, for that "rain" effect. No, I dont know where theyd get a garden hose in the middle of the desert, so stop asking me. Dawson calls, "Cut!" and preps for the shot while the bandmates playfully shove each other around. !
Lavish House of Campus Coffee. Paige and another girl finalize plans for a "pinning ceremony" as Chlo bounces in with Paiges trigonometry notes and homework. How very Gidget. The pinning ceremony and the trigonometry. Chlos really taking that kissing of Glamorous ass a little too far, by the way. Then again, shes insane. Just in case youve forgotten about that subtle little detail of her character. Other Girl compliments Chlo on her manicure while Paige profusely thanks Chlo for her help. Other Girl thinks its "inhuman" for Chlo to be so good at so many different things. "You have to suck at something," she insists. Chlo pops a bread crumb into her mouth and admits she does suck at one thing: "People." "I never would have figured Alison for a groupie." Paige and Other Girl lean in for the dirt. "She got totally wasted last month at the Sweetheart dance and did Sammy," Chlo continues breathlessly. She whispers, "She thinks shes pregnant." Paige wants the identity of Chlos source. Chlo says Shannen filled her in on all the sordid details. "She didnt say it was a secret," Chlo lies, "but I think we should keep it quiet for Alisons sake." Paige and Other Girl whip out matching cell phones to inform the entire campus.
Out on the street, Alison stands anxiously at a pay phone. Shes talking to the clinic, and her test results are negative. She exuberantly leaps into Shannens arms. "I told you everything would be okay," Shannen says. Alison whoops and giggles and blurts out, "Im so glad Im not pregnant!" Im so glad I cant get pregnant. The gals clatter off down the street.