Charmed S03E23

Assorted shout-outs, thank-yous, dudes, and whee!s to all deserving of such.

Open to the strains of "Que Sera, Sera." Im sure youve heard the song; the most famous version was done by Doris Day back when she was really famous and everything. This isn't that version, and this one isn't available; Ive tried. Its not really that important, except for the irony that presumably exists when you contrast a song whose chief non-title lyrics are whatever will be, will be/the futures not ours to see with this movie. After we see a few major names of credits (hey! Its Christian Slater before he got old, scary, and ugly! Its Winona Ryder, back when she was still cool!), we see hands tying a red scrunchie into curly blonde hair. Its so eighties. I was four when this movie came out. The cool white-with-red-shadow-y letters inform me that Shannen Doherty is the first Heather to be mentioned, which makes sense, since within a few years of this movie, the other two will sink into oblivion. ["Oh, come on. Who didn't love Lisanne Falk's non-star turn in Leather Jackets?" -- Sars] Three girls, eating in a garden-ish setting, helpfully color-coded: one in yellow, one in red, one in green. They all get up and crush the flowers immediately in front of them in synch. Its brilliant, really. It even has sickening crunching sounds. I love this movie.

They continue walking through this greenish area, which is a backyard but looks more like a national park, and approach a croquet set. We see the three sets of color-coordinated legs. Oh my god. This was when yellow leggings and bright white tights were still the height of cool. Shannens character, of course, doesnt appear to be wearing anything besides her skirt and disturbing black shoes, but no one whos seen her outfits on any other show shes ever done -- ever -- should be surprised in the least. Yellow Girl steps forward and swings at the ball (helpfully coordinated to her outfit) and apparently doesnt get the right amount of points or something. Hey, everything I know about croquet I learned from this movie. I have no idea what just happened. It presumably involved croquet somehow. But this is the character intro, so brilliant that it must be repeated verbatim. Yellow, slightly disappointed: Damn. Its your turn, Heather. Red, bitchily (for with her, there is no other way): No, Heather. Its Heathers turn. Heather! Shannen, in green, looking up from her copy of Moby Dick: Sorry, Heather. Get it? GET IT? Theyre all named Heather? See? See? Shannen-Heather swings and misses. Or, you know, just hits it badly. Whatever. The important thing here is that she fucked up. Shell do that a lot in this movie. Red-Heather steps up, kisses the red ball, and nails it.

The ball cracks intothe head of Winona Ryder. Like, just her head, sticking out of the ground. To her left is the green ball, to the right the yellow. And thus she begins the first of the Dear Diary monologues. Dear Diary. (See?) We continue to see her elbowing through the halls of the high school. Its a lot like high school today, really, except that today no one really wears shoulder pads bigger than their heads. But her look of pure boredom and agitation is pretty much my default at school. Two thumbs up for accuracy. Heather told me she teaches people real life. She said real life sucks losers dry. If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. She scribbles what shes saying rapidly into a notebook while sitting in a stairwell. While I can respect that her popular status would prohibit her from dorking it up and writing in the band room like I do, youd think shed know better than to find a place where her black-and-grey-ish blazer, white shirt, and oh my god, blue tights would get dirt on them from all the people walking around. Im sorry. People actually WORE this? In PUBLIC? ["You have no idea. None at all. This was considered haute high school." -- Sars, a.k.a. "Grandma"] Jesus. Dude, the eighties are dead. She continues writing: I said, so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said yes. I said, Youre beautiful. Well, duh. The Heathers are, collectively, a high-school geeks wet dream. Especially if said geek is obsessed with primary colors.

Two figures come up to her, one in greenish-blue and one in yellow. God, come on, Veronica, the yellow one says, and we see that its the two non-red Heathers. Damn. You know, Demian and Owen are all with the gosh, three P names, so hard to keep track, yet you dont see either of them distinguishing between Piper, Piper, and Piper. The movie hasnt yet identified them by last name, and Im playing by "their" rules. This is just cruel. At least the screenplay identifies them from page one. I acknowledge that now I can stop referring to Veronica as Winona and give praise for small favors. Veronica demands to know Yellow Heathers damage. Yellow Heather tells her to not blame her, but to blame Heather. Rock on with the clarity. Heather told her to haul your ass into the caf, pronto. Ah, high school. Back me up, Heather, she adds, and Shannen-Heather agrees sheepily. Shes like Harmony on Buffy, but with darker hair and less dead. So far. Heh. Have I mentioned that I love this movie? Its okay, itll happen more.

Cafeteria. I think this is as good a time as any to bask in the glow of the soundtrack. The soundtrack rocks. If you have the means, I highly recommend it. It only took me two months and several trips to Amazon to get it. But its fabulous. Think the music to Popular, only less, you know, imitative, seeing as this came out ten years prior. Veronica greets Red-Heather, who responds with a tense finally. Lovely group of friends weve got here. She jumps right into the order: she has a note of Kurt Kelleys, and she needs Veronica to use it to forge a hot and horny, yet realistically low-key note to Martha Dumptruck. Argument over whether or not Veronica will do it, because she has nothing against Martha Dunstock. The script identifies her as Martha Dumptruck/Dunstock. I feel for this actress. Red-Heather claims it will provide shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks. Veronica agrees to think about it. Red-Heather speaks for all of high school when she cattily snaps, Dont think. I know Im supposed to hate her, but I cant help but respect Red-Heather. She could have grown up to be a dictator of a medium-sized country.

We see Martha. This is someone who isnt just TV-fat, but literally and substantially above normal weight, which is impressive. Shes like Carmen from Popular, were Carmen actually fat. Martha's buying lunch -- a big lunch. Hey, not all clichs can be busted in one movie.

Heather has won, obviously, because she immediately says that Veronica needs something to write on. Bend over. Shannen-Heather does so, and Veronica forges a note based on Kurts writing and Red-Heathers dictation, using Shannen-Heather as a desk. And as a reward for wincing through that whole set-up, we get to see Christian Slater, looking yummy. He always does in this movie. Its all about the evil.

Jocks. Perverted comments. Single entendres. One wants Veronica and Heather Chandler, the other wants any random Heather. Id tell you which one of the girls is Heather Chandler, but really, if the movie isnt going to play nice, why should I? The jocks punch fists at the cue of punch it in. Yeah, whatever. Veronica finishes the note and passes it off to Red-Heather, who passes it to Yellow-Heather, who sneaks it onto Marthas lunch tray. I wince. This scene doesnt reward me with Christian Slater in a trench coat, and thus I pout as well.

The popular lunch table. Its stationed in the middle of everyone, yet somehow only populated by four people and located inside its own bubble. They discuss the food drive (Arent they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa? Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians, tater totsits a real party continent.), and then go straight to the meat of their lunchtime discussion: the lunchtime poll. One might, conceivably, stop to ask why the most popular girls in school are working on a newspaper or yearbook question, when Buffy helpfully pointed out that even the nerds pick on the yearbook kids, but in the interest of humor, Ill let it slide. Veronica and Shannen-Heather ask what the question is. Red-Heather mocks Shannen-Heather and explains that it is, in fact, both the thing she came up with in study hall with Shannen-Heather and the bizarro thing she was telling Veronica the night before on the phone. Were also treated to shots of Christian Slater watching them. I like. While Red-Heather bitches about possibly having to ask about a political topic (Id spew burrito chunks), Veronica and Christian Slater are so busy having cheer sex that she doesnt notice when she walks into Betty Finns chair. Betty and Veronica. Sawyer and Finn. Get it? GET IT? Veronica apologizes for missing Bettys birthday party for a date the month. Betty shows her a few photos of the two of them from Halloween at the age of eight, dressed as a witch and an angel. Nice subtle irony there, and Im not being sarcastic; I didnt catch it the first time I saw the movie. I love this movie. Love it. Red-Heather yanks Veronica away as she protests that she was talking to somebody!

Martha finds the note. I am not rewarded with Christian Slater in black. Bitches.