Fade up on two before-and-after photos of Piper Halliwell. The after is the Piper we all know and tolerate. The before, from her days at Baker High ten years ago, is supposed to be truly hideous: tacky headband holding back limp, apparently unwashed hair, large round tortoiseshell glasses, a mouthful of braces, a pink fuzzy sweater, too much lip gloss, and acne. It sounds awful, doesn't it? But remember, this is Holly Marie Combs we're talking about here. They can try to geek her up, but the bone structure is still there, and that acne looks painfully fake. In other words, I'm not buying it. The camera cuts to Prue and Leo, evaluating the two photos, which are part of a larger grouping of before-and-afters of the Baker High class of 1990. Prue is telling Leo to cut Piper a little slack if she seems to be overly neurotic about her high-school reunion, as high school was "hard" for Piper. "Really hard," Prue emphasizes as we get an extreme close-up of Piper the Geek. Prue whips her head around to face Leo, telling him Piper was "kind of like Jan Brady. You know, the middle sister. Not quite sure where she fits in." Leo: "Jan who?" Didn't see that coming, did ya, kids?
"Ready or not, here I come!" Piper calls down from upstairs, and Prue hustles Leo over to the foot of the staircase, reminding him to be supportive, no matter what Piper ends up looking like. Piper scuttles down to the landing, and she looks -- wait for it -- awful. The camera pans up from her black ankle-strap pumps to take in the knee-length, tight, spaghetti-strapped, marabou-trimmed black lace-and-satin sheath Piper has squeezed herself into. The dress looks like a novelty lampshade from the 1950s. The accessories consist of a chunky bracelet, a thin jeweled choker, and dangly cubic zirconium earrings. The hair's a little big, as well. Prue smarms out an insincere "you look great" through gritted teeth, which Leo modifies with "really really really great." Piper, not buying it, tells Leo two "reallys" would have sufficed. More of Prue and Leo lying to Piper about her appearance, which leads Piper to snit that she'll end up winning the prize for "most likely to frighten people away at the door" at that evening's reunion. Piper, hon, you don't look that bad. You should just think twice before raiding Phoebe's closet in the future.
Piper pouts her way over to the hall mirror, with Leo limply trailing behind her, flaccidly offering words of reassurance and reminding her that reunions are supposed to be fun. Piper wheels on him, asking him if by any chance he was popular in high school. The Dolt hems and haws until he finally realizes there is "no right answer" to that question as far as Piper is concerned. Piper whines about her geek status ten years ago, claiming she was a nobody at school. Prue moves over to disabuse Piper of that notion, but Piper's not having it, reminding her sister that Prue was class president, and therefore has no idea what it was like "on the other side." Get over it, Piper. In my high school, only the biggest of tools participated in student government. Piper moans some more about wanting to show up the snotty bitches at the reunion, but instead she'll be showing up as a "big-haired freak." Prue tries to calm her a bit, telling her she just doesn't look like herself in her current get-up. Piper replies that if she could attend the reunion as herself, she wouldn't be having a problem at the moment, and storms off into the parlor. The Dolt takes this opportunity to ask Piper if it's a "costume party." Prue shoves him from behind at this. Unfortunately, she doesn't shove him hard enough to cause the sort of skull-crushing injury he deserves.
Blathercakes from Piper about having to keep secret the fact she's part of a powerful triad of witches who fight evil with the help of a White Lighter. Rather than seeing that, her former classmates will see a "loser who still lives at home with her sisters and her unemployed boyfriend." Prue changes the topic, promising Piper a makeover of epic proportions in time for the party. "Who do you think helped Phoebe go blonde?" she adds. I wouldn't brag about that if I were you, sweetie. Leo notes that it might be a good idea if they invited Phoebe along, and we hit this week's exposition of past events. For Christ's sake, I wish they would just start airing "previously on Charmed" bits so I wouldn't have to sit through this crap. For those of you who fried too many brain cells self-medicating during the holiday visits with family to remember the last episode, Phoebe's been in a bit of a funk since she had to get rid of her demonic boyfriend, Cole, and Prue thinks Phoebe's been avoiding the others because of this. Piper snits off upstairs as Prue tells Leo to work on Phoebe while she gets to work on Piper.
You'd be expecting the opening credits at this point, wouldn't you? Well, you're wrong. Cut to a shot of a male hand smashing a couple of glass vials to bits on a wooden table. We pull back to reveal the owner of the hand, and I have to give credit to the make-up effects department for making this week's scenery-chomping bad guy really look like a demon pig from Hell. Oh, wait. Those aren't prosthetics. "I made you from my own blood," Piggy snorts, and the shot cuts to a femme-fatale type with bigger hair and more lip gloss than Piper. She's wearing a blue peasant blouse with one shoulder naughtily exposed, because she's as evil and nasty as Piggy. Piggy is wearing a loose blue satin top that stretches over his Doughboy belly in a most unattractive manner, making him look like one of those rapidly-aging resort queens who travel to South Beach with their fluffy white cats named Precious and Bitsy to ogle the hot dancing gay boys at Liquid. The Slut calls Piggy "Kierkan, the Dark and Powerful Alchemist" and Piggy calls the Slut "Terra," but I'll be sticking to my original names for both. Piggy, apparently, created the Slut in a little green mixing bottle he keeps under glass. He somehow obtained the "perfect body" for the Slut, and now keeps her locked in a subterranean chamber. The Slut has grown tired of this arrangement and wants to get out of the dungeon, presumably to vanquish the Halliwells, but Piggy's having none of it. Piggy hints that he may just toss the Slut back into the bottle and start again, but the sly Slut snatches a dagger from the table and plunges it deep into her ample bosom. Piggy screams, "No!" as the Slut sinks to her knees, and he makes for the green bottle. The Slut falls on her back as The Essence of Slut rises in a blue mist above her corpse. SlutEssence slips through a crack in the door as Piggy wails after her.
“ However, whereas Mary Cheney looked like a trucker in drag, Piper actually looks very good. I hope Mary Cheney doesn't read this and decide to hunt me down. She could beat me up. ”
Still no opening credits, as we cut to a yuppie stalking down the street barking orders into one of those newfangled hands-free cellular phones the kids are so hot for nowadays. Andrew Bowen plays the yuppie. Mr. Bowen had a brief stint on Mad TV, during which he played the clueless yahoo they set Debbie Rowe up with in a Change of Heart parody. (They set Michael Jackson up with Jocelyn Wildenstein. I snicker every time I think of it.) ["He also showed up as a Keanu Reeves-imitating desk clerk last season on ER." -- Sars] Anyway, Andrew pauses to check out his appearance in a mirrored office-building window as he tells his colleague that "it has to be done before the stock IPOs" for the "computer game" they're working on. I wonder if the writers are even aware that newspapers carry sections entitled "Business," wherein the various troubles of tech stocks have been detailed for months. Meanwhile, SlutEssence percolates out of a sewer grating and slithers up to Andrew's groin. I'm not kidding with that. SlutEssence swirls up to Andrew's face and enters his body through his mouth as Andrew moans in near-orgasmic ecstasy. SlutAndrew slinkily hangs up on the colleague, and checks out his/her/its new equipment. "Well, now," SlutAndrew croons. "I've never been a man before. Walking should be interesting," and SlutAndrew cups his crotch. RealAndrew appears as a reflection in the mirrored window, wearing a white linen smock I'm told is popular on the Indian subcontinent. SlutAndrew demands that RealAndrew take him/her/it to the Charmed Ones. RealAndrew, of course, has no idea what SlutAndrew is talking about. RealAndrew attempts to get help from a passing woman, to no avail. SlutAndrew informs RealAndrew he's "just a trapped soul now," and turns to stalk away.
Credits. No Darryl, which bothers me not in the least. No Cole, which means this episode is going to be painfully long.
Fade up on Piper's boudoir, where an array of rejected reunion garments lies scattered across the bed. Prue's remade Piper in the image of a sleekly successful businesswoman. Her hair is pulled neatly back into a bun, and she wears a tasteful black jacket and skirt with a delicate strand of fine, cultured pearls at her neck. In other words, Prue's given Piper the same makeover the Republicans attempted when they tried to de-lesbianize Mary Cheney for the convention last August. However, whereas Mary Cheney looked like a trucker in drag, Piper actually looks very good. I hope Mary Cheney doesn't read this and decide to hunt me down. She could beat me up. Anyway, Piper evaluates her look in a full-length mirror and suggests they go back to the "Betsey Johnson cool club-chick look." Prue snarks that they could also wrap Piper in a bed sheet and send her into the reunion as a Hare Krishna. This leads to more reunion angst from Piper, and when Prue reasonably wonders why Piper cares what the gang from high school thinks, Piper shoots her down with, "Only a former cheerleader would ask that question." Sisterly banter, with Prue ordering Piper to have a good time, Piper claiming Prue "is not the boss of [her]," and Prue countering with a "yes, I am." Piper then asks Prue about her date the prior evening, which Prue claims was a disaster due to her paramour's halitosis. Piper promises she'll scope out the reunion for former football players appropriate for an ex-head-cheerleader. Insert your own "dirty knees" joke here. Prue insists that younger men are not on her agenda.
Phoebe wanders in at this point, looking for her glasses. The fact that she's gone back to wearing her glasses, combined with her general appearance -- she looks like she's been shagged backwards through a hedge, and not in a good way - means we're supposed to realize she's still pining away for that sweet little demonic ADA of hers. When Prue and Piper tell her they haven't seen them, Phoebe mutters a "nuh" and wanders bleakly back into the hallway. Prue and Piper skitter after her, inviting her to join them at the reunion that evening. Phoebe begs off, claiming she has schoolwork to catch up on, and tells them she'll be spending the evening at the library. Prue tells Phoebe again that if Phoebe needs shoulders to lean on in this troubling time of hers, her sisters are there for her. Phoebe replies she knows that, but she thinks it would be better for her to figure a way out of her current funk on her own. Phoebe pauses to compliment Piper on her appearance, and leaves. Prue and Piper project Looks Of Concern at Phoebe's retreating figure.
Cut to the street outside the manor, where Prue, Piper, and Leo are loading reunion treats into the back of the SUV. A sporty red convertible pulls up and the man inside calls out, "Piper Halliwell! You still living at home?" "Yes. Yes, I am," Piper replies. "Still living in the very pricey, antique-filled Nob Hill Victorian I co-own with my sisters because my dead grandmother willed it to us. So, haul your worthless ass back to your studio apartment in Oakland, you fuckstick." Only Piper says none of that. Instead, she rather effusively greets the fuckstick, whose name is Justin Harper. Leo gets his boxers in a twist over this, wondering if Justin is an ex-boyfriend. Before he can whip it out to mark his territory, Prue reassures Leo that Justin was just a friend of Piper's, and that Justin actually had a crush on Prue back in the day. Piper and Justin discuss the reunion, and Justin agrees to help them haul some of the food to the club. Prue bounces over with a couple of catering trays, noting that Justin is "all grown up." Justin thinks Prue is Phoebe. Burn!
Piper returns to Leo's side in time for him to note that The Powers That Be are ringing his bell again. Piper makes him "double extra promise" to be back in time to escort her to the reunion, and I stifle my gag reflex as they lean in for a kiss. The camera pans over to an ecru Mercedes parked a bit down the street. Smirking all the while, SlutAndrew watches as Piper perks her way into the SUV. RealAndrew, appearing in the vanity mirror on the visor, pantingly begs SlutAndrew to leave his body. SlutAndrew replies that he/she/it can't do that until he/she/it gets one of the Halliwells alone, as the transfer of the SlutEssence is a "messy" process. RealAndrew begs some more, noting he can't breathe. SlutAndrew smoothly informs RealAndrew it's because his "soul is dying," flips the visor up, and fires up the Merc to follow the SUV and the convertible.
“ Piper then offers to help with the set-up. The B-BB tells her to take out the trash. Piper should start with Missy. ”
Meanwhile, at your friendly neighborhood cemetery, Phoebe has decided to skip the schoolwork to visit the Mausoleum's mausoleum. I know she's grieving for her lost boyfriend and all, so I should cut her a little slack on her wardrobe, but please. Enough with the gauzy paisley wraps over black pants, hon. Phoebe squats down over the hole Cole's vanquished shirt ate into the marble floor, holding her hands above it as if to summon him. She talks to him, telling him she can no longer keep lying to her sisters. Phoebe needs to tell Piper and Prue she let Cole go, that he won't harm them, and that he loves her, but she doesn't know how to do it. She leans back against a stone bier in frustration, and is flung into a vision. A woman who looks like she could be playing Annie Sullivan in a low-rent version of The Miracle Worker turns on a mustachioed Victorian gent, her eyes blazing with demonic bitchery. She snatches a wailing child from the man's hands, and shoots a blue ball of death at the mustachioed one's chest as the child screams in her arms. Phoebe turns and scrapes away decades of dust from the bier's engraved nameplate to reveal "Benjamin Colerige Turner, 1859-1888." I suppose he must have married into the Mausoleum clan. And the mustachioed one looked a lot older than twenty-nine, but whatever. Phoebe apprehensively eyes the empty mausoleum around her.
P3. Flunkies hang a "Reunion Party" sign as a bottle-blonde bitch snipes about the "wrinkles in the middle" of the banner. Prue and Piper enter in mid-pep-talk, which is cut short when Piper recognizes the bottle-blonde bitch as "Missy Campbell, homecoming queen." Prue again reassures Piper and moves to join Justin at the bar. Piper approaches Missy, the Bottle-Blonde Bitch, and introduces herself. Not as "Piper Halliwell, the owner of the club which is quite graciously hosting both the reunion and your dark roots, you pathetic sow," but as "Piper Halliwell, the geek you had Chemistry and English with." Well, not exactly in those words, but close enough. You can almost hear Piper's spine slithering down her leg to slink across the floor and hide in a dark corner at the sight of the B-BB. The B-BB makes an entirely uncalled-for remark about Piper's complexion having cleared up, and asks Piper if she uses Accutane. Instead of telling this cooze into which orifice she can cram her attitude, Piper makes meek noises about it being ten years and all. Piper then offers to help with the set-up. The B-BB tells her to take out the trash. Piper should start with Missy.
Prue, watching all this from the bar, moves to initiate the smackdown on the B-BB, but Justin holds her back, telling her that Piper "needs to find her legs on her own." And her spine, while she's at it. Justin reminds Prue of the time when Piper ran for freshman class secretary and got so flustered that Prue had to finish her campaign speech for her. Prue calls Justin on the Phoebe thing earlier. Justin replies that Prue "plagued" his high-school years, and that "a guy's got to turn the tables every ten years or so." Sparks of newfound lust fly between the two as SlutAndrew makes his/her/its way down the stairs. SlutAndrew scopes out the club as Justin and Prue banter a bit more. Justin reveals he keeps the same sort of list of characteristics for potential dates that Prue does.
Before Prue can move in for the mack, however, she catches sight of Piper tussling with the garbage. Prue crosses to Piper, asking her what she thinks she's doing, that she owns the club and should tell someone else to take out the trash. Piper makes some more tiresome noises about "feeling like [she's] sixteen again" around her former classmates. Prue offers to beat them all up, one by one. Piper shrugs this off, and announces she'll take out the garbage and try to regain her composure. Prue heads back to Justin at the bar. SlutAndrew, realizing this is his/her/its chance to get one of the sisters alone, grabs a carving knife from the bar and stalks his/her/its way out to the alley.
Out back, Piper struggles with the garbage bags, trying to find a relatively empty Dumpster. SlutAndrew slithers up behind her, startling her. SlutAndrew then plunges the knife into his/her/its heart, and, gasping, staggers back to slump against a wall. Piper makes frantic hooting noises, and as she kneels in front of SlutAndrew, the SlutEssence shoots from his head to hers. SlutPiper rises to her feet, straightens her jacket, and says to DeadAndrew, "Thanks for the ride." She then covers the corpse with a discarded sheet, and moves to a shard of broken mirror in one of the bins. "You better be as powerful as they say you are," she oozes to the reflection of RealPiper in the glass. Commercial.
SlutPiper reenters the club, and pauses to ask RealPiper's reflection in the chrome on the pay phone what Prue's name is. "If you get out of my body right now," RealPiper replies, "I might not have to vanquish your sorry ass." SlutPiper remarks that RealPiper is "not as weak" as she thought she would be and heads back into the club proper. Prue and Justin are still at it with the flirting. Prue has scored a five on Justin's ten-point dating list, whereas Justin has scored a measly four on Prue's. Exciting, isn't it? SlutPiper walks up to the bar behind them and pours herself a shot. Prue hustles over, telling SlutPiper that booze is not the way to deal with her "reunion jitters." SlutPiper is, of course, preoccupied with other issues, but refrains from pouring herself a second shot. The Bottle-Blonde Bitch approaches, practically ordering SlutPiper to transfer the hors d'oeuvres trays from one table to another, and SlutPiper rather apathetically agrees to do so. As the Bottle-Blonde Bitch strides away with a false smile plastered all over her hideously smug face, Prue urges SlutPiper to stand up for herself. "Okay," SlutPiper agrees, and follows that with "Hey! Bitch! Move the damn trays yourself!" The bitch in question is taken aback, but complies. As Prue babbles something about the inappropriateness of the "bitch" appellation, RealPiper temporarily takes control of her body and clutches Prue's wrist, pleading for help. SlutPiper regains control of Piper's body, makes an excuse to leave, and takes off for the Halliwell manor.