Coyote Not-So-Ugly

S03E09

By Demian

Fade up on two before-and-after photos of Piper Halliwell. The after is the Piper we all know and tolerate. The before, from her days at Baker High ten years ago, is supposed to be truly hideous: tacky headband holding back limp, apparently unwashed hair, large round tortoiseshell glasses, a mouthful of braces, a pink fuzzy sweater, too much lip gloss, and acne. It sounds awful, doesn't it? But remember, this is Holly Marie Combs we're talking about here. They can try to geek her up, but the bone structure is still there, and that acne looks painfully fake. In other words, I'm not buying it. The camera cuts to Prue and Leo, evaluating the two photos, which are part of a larger grouping of before-and-afters of the Baker High class of 1990. Prue is telling Leo to cut Piper a little slack if she seems to be overly neurotic about her high-school reunion, as high school was "hard" for Piper. "Really hard," Prue emphasizes as we get an extreme close-up of Piper the Geek. Prue whips her head around to face Leo, telling him Piper was "kind of like Jan Brady. You know, the middle sister. Not quite sure where she fits in." Leo: "Jan who?" Didn't see that coming, did ya, kids?

"Ready or not, here I come!" Piper calls down from upstairs, and Prue hustles Leo over to the foot of the staircase, reminding him to be supportive, no matter what Piper ends up looking like. Piper scuttles down to the landing, and she looks -- wait for it -- awful. The camera pans up from her black ankle-strap pumps to take in the knee-length, tight, spaghetti-strapped, marabou-trimmed black lace-and-satin sheath Piper has squeezed herself into. The dress looks like a novelty lampshade from the 1950s. The accessories consist of a chunky bracelet, a thin jeweled choker, and dangly cubic zirconium earrings. The hair's a little big, as well. Prue smarms out an insincere "you look great" through gritted teeth, which Leo modifies with "really really really great." Piper, not buying it, tells Leo two "reallys" would have sufficed. More of Prue and Leo lying to Piper about her appearance, which leads Piper to snit that she'll end up winning the prize for "most likely to frighten people away at the door" at that evening's reunion. Piper, hon, you don't look that bad. You should just think twice before raiding Phoebe's closet in the future.

Piper pouts her way over to the hall mirror, with Leo limply trailing behind her, flaccidly offering words of reassurance and reminding her that reunions are supposed to be fun. Piper wheels on him, asking him if by any chance he was popular in high school. The Dolt hems and haws until he finally realizes there is "no right answer" to that question as far as Piper is concerned. Piper whines about her geek status ten years ago, claiming she was a nobody at school. Prue moves over to disabuse Piper of that notion, but Piper's not having it, reminding her sister that Prue was class president, and therefore has no idea what it was like "on the other side." Get over it, Piper. In my high school, only the biggest of tools participated in student government. Piper moans some more about wanting to show up the snotty bitches at the reunion, but instead she'll be showing up as a "big-haired freak." Prue tries to calm her a bit, telling her she just doesn't look like herself in her current get-up. Piper replies that if she could attend the reunion as herself, she wouldn't be having a problem at the moment, and storms off into the parlor. The Dolt takes this opportunity to ask Piper if it's a "costume party." Prue shoves him from behind at this. Unfortunately, she doesn't shove him hard enough to cause the sort of skull-crushing injury he deserves.

Blathercakes from Piper about having to keep secret the fact she's part of a powerful triad of witches who fight evil with the help of a White Lighter. Rather than seeing that, her former classmates will see a "loser who still lives at home with her sisters and her unemployed boyfriend." Prue changes the topic, promising Piper a makeover of epic proportions in time for the party. "Who do you think helped Phoebe go blonde?" she adds. I wouldn't brag about that if I were you, sweetie. Leo notes that it might be a good idea if they invited Phoebe along, and we hit this week's exposition of past events. For Christ's sake, I wish they would just start airing "previously on Charmed" bits so I wouldn't have to sit through this crap. For those of you who fried too many brain cells self-medicating during the holiday visits with family to remember the last episode, Phoebe's been in a bit of a funk since she had to get rid of her demonic boyfriend, Cole, and Prue thinks Phoebe's been avoiding the others because of this. Piper snits off upstairs as Prue tells Leo to work on Phoebe while she gets to work on Piper.

By Demian

You'd be expecting the opening credits at this point, wouldn't you? Well, you're wrong. Cut to a shot of a male hand smashing a couple of glass vials to bits on a wooden table. We pull back to reveal the owner of the hand, and I have to give credit to the make-up effects department for making this week's scenery-chomping bad guy really look like a demon pig from Hell. Oh, wait. Those aren't prosthetics. "I made you from my own blood," Piggy snorts, and the shot cuts to a femme-fatale type with bigger hair and more lip gloss than Piper. She's wearing a blue peasant blouse with one shoulder naughtily exposed, because she's as evil and nasty as Piggy. Piggy is wearing a loose blue satin top that stretches over his Doughboy belly in a most unattractive manner, making him look like one of those rapidly-aging resort queens who travel to South Beach with their fluffy white cats named Precious and Bitsy to ogle the hot dancing gay boys at Liquid. The Slut calls Piggy "Kierkan, the Dark and Powerful Alchemist" and Piggy calls the Slut "Terra," but I'll be sticking to my original names for both. Piggy, apparently, created the Slut in a little green mixing bottle he keeps under glass. He somehow obtained the "perfect body" for the Slut, and now keeps her locked in a subterranean chamber. The Slut has grown tired of this arrangement and wants to get out of the dungeon, presumably to vanquish the Halliwells, but Piggy's having none of it. Piggy hints that he may just toss the Slut back into the bottle and start again, but the sly Slut snatches a dagger from the table and plunges it deep into her ample bosom. Piggy screams, "No!" as the Slut sinks to her knees, and he makes for the green bottle. The Slut falls on her back as The Essence of Slut rises in a blue mist above her corpse. SlutEssence slips through a crack in the door as Piggy wails after her.

By Demian

Credits. No Darryl, which bothers me not in the least. No Cole, which means this episode is going to be painfully long.

Fade up on Piper's boudoir, where an array of rejected reunion garments lies scattered across the bed. Prue's remade Piper in the image of a sleekly successful businesswoman. Her hair is pulled neatly back into a bun, and she wears a tasteful black jacket and skirt with a delicate strand of fine, cultured pearls at her neck. In other words, Prue's given Piper the same makeover the Republicans attempted when they tried to de-lesbianize Mary Cheney for the convention last August. However, whereas Mary Cheney looked like a trucker in drag, Piper actually looks very good. I hope Mary Cheney doesn't read this and decide to hunt me down. She could beat me up. Anyway, Piper evaluates her look in a full-length mirror and suggests they go back to the "Betsey Johnson cool club-chick look." Prue snarks that they could also wrap Piper in a bed sheet and send her into the reunion as a Hare Krishna. This leads to more reunion angst from Piper, and when Prue reasonably wonders why Piper cares what the gang from high school thinks, Piper shoots her down with, "Only a former cheerleader would ask that question." Sisterly banter, with Prue ordering Piper to have a good time, Piper claiming Prue "is not the boss of [her]," and Prue countering with a "yes, I am." Piper then asks Prue about her date the prior evening, which Prue claims was a disaster due to her paramour's halitosis. Piper promises she'll scope out the reunion for former football players appropriate for an ex-head-cheerleader. Insert your own "dirty knees" joke here. Prue insists that younger men are not on her agenda.

By Demian

Piper returns to Leo's side in time for him to note that The Powers That Be are ringing his bell again. Piper makes him "double extra promise" to be back in time to escort her to the reunion, and I stifle my gag reflex as they lean in for a kiss. The camera pans over to an ecru Mercedes parked a bit down the street. Smirking all the while, SlutAndrew watches as Piper perks her way into the SUV. RealAndrew, appearing in the vanity mirror on the visor, pantingly begs SlutAndrew to leave his body. SlutAndrew replies that he/she/it can't do that until he/she/it gets one of the Halliwells alone, as the transfer of the SlutEssence is a "messy" process. RealAndrew begs some more, noting he can't breathe. SlutAndrew smoothly informs RealAndrew it's because his "soul is dying," flips the visor up, and fires up the Merc to follow the SUV and the convertible.

Meanwhile, at your friendly neighborhood cemetery, Phoebe has decided to skip the schoolwork to visit the Mausoleum's mausoleum. I know she's grieving for her lost boyfriend and all, so I should cut her a little slack on her wardrobe, but please. Enough with the gauzy paisley wraps over black pants, hon. Phoebe squats down over the hole Cole's vanquished shirt ate into the marble floor, holding her hands above it as if to summon him. She talks to him, telling him she can no longer keep lying to her sisters. Phoebe needs to tell Piper and Prue she let Cole go, that he won't harm them, and that he loves her, but she doesn't know how to do it. She leans back against a stone bier in frustration, and is flung into a vision. A woman who looks like she could be playing Annie Sullivan in a low-rent version of The Miracle Worker turns on a mustachioed Victorian gent, her eyes blazing with demonic bitchery. She snatches a wailing child from the man's hands, and shoots a blue ball of death at the mustachioed one's chest as the child screams in her arms. Phoebe turns and scrapes away decades of dust from the bier's engraved nameplate to reveal "Benjamin Colerige Turner, 1859-1888." I suppose he must have married into the Mausoleum clan. And the mustachioed one looked a lot older than twenty-nine, but whatever. Phoebe apprehensively eyes the empty mausoleum around her.

P3. Flunkies hang a "Reunion Party" sign as a bottle-blonde bitch snipes about the "wrinkles in the middle" of the banner. Prue and Piper enter in mid-pep-talk, which is cut short when Piper recognizes the bottle-blonde bitch as "Missy Campbell, homecoming queen." Prue again reassures Piper and moves to join Justin at the bar. Piper approaches Missy, the Bottle-Blonde Bitch, and introduces herself. Not as "Piper Halliwell, the owner of the club which is quite graciously hosting both the reunion and your dark roots, you pathetic sow," but as "Piper Halliwell, the geek you had Chemistry and English with." Well, not exactly in those words, but close enough. You can almost hear Piper's spine slithering down her leg to slink across the floor and hide in a dark corner at the sight of the B-BB. The B-BB makes an entirely uncalled-for remark about Piper's complexion having cleared up, and asks Piper if she uses Accutane. Instead of telling this cooze into which orifice she can cram her attitude, Piper makes meek noises about it being ten years and all. Piper then offers to help with the set-up. The B-BB tells her to take out the trash. Piper should start with Missy.

By Demian

Cut to the interior of the Historical Society, where a banner welcomes the "centennial visitors." Centennial of what? An eagerly helpful researcher fills Phoebe in on Benjamin Turner. While he died as previously noted in 1888, there is no record of his wife's death. We get a shot of the obituary that apparently ran when Turner died, and it looks a little too sophisticated, graphically speaking, for a San Francisco newspaper of the day. For what it's worth, Turner was a state assemblyman at the time of his death. Phoebe asks about Turner's son. Susie Research confirms the Turners had a son named Cole, who was born in 1885. Though the society has no record of his death, either, Susie Research doubts Cole would still be kicking it at the age of one hundred and fifteen. Like, ha ha. Not.

Manor hallway, 3:04 PM. I don't know if the time's important, but they chose to make note of it in a shot of the freshly-restored grandfather clock, so there you go. SlutPiper stomps in through the front door, which they apparently are still leaving unlocked despite their recent experience with Jennifer Abbey Leigh, and worries that Piggy will find her and kill her, but RealPiper refuses to divulge her powers to the Slut. SlutPiper hyperventilates a bit as she worries some more about Piggy. As SlutPiper stalks her way through the manor, scoping out the place, she carries on a conversation with RealPiper by way of various reflective surfaces in the different rooms. RealPiper tells SlutPiper to get out of her body, promising to help her avoid Piggy if she does so. SlutPiper says that she can't survive without a host, and she'd rather RealPiper's soul die than hers. You can tell Holly Marie Combs is having more fun with all of this than she probably should, but, hey, it's her show. More power to her. SlutPiper comes up with a cunning plan to get Phoebe and Prue back to the manor so the three can get rid of Piggy once and for all. She dials Information, asking for the number to P3, and tells RealPiper she plans to cook up an imaginary demon to get the other Ps back to the house.

By Demian

P3. Prue continues with the bar prep as the B-BB approaches snottily. The B-BB needs Prue to "help the DJ set up." Prue smiles sweetly and scratches her nose in response, TKing the rope holding up the balloon drop free of its mooring, sending a cascade of blue and white balloons to the club floor. The B-BB wails, whining that "that's the third time that happened." "Oh, that's too bad," Prue babytalks back. As the B-BB scuttles over to string up the balloons again, Justin approaches, amused by it all. Regarding the balloon situation, Justin guesses the club has a "poltergeist situation." Prue's momentarily taken aback, and asks Justin if he really believes in things like ghosts and such. He does, noting that said belief "makes life interesting." Prue clearly thinks her life's becoming more and more interesting because of Justin, and comments that she should add "belief in the supernatural" to her list. At the rate she's going, someone's going to have to toss a bucket of ice water on her before the end of this episode.

The phone rings. It's SlutPiper, who fakes her way through a story of finding a demon in the manor. Prue asks SlutPiper if she froze the demon, and SlutPiper presses the phone to her shoulder to gloat a moment over this bit of information. RealPiper, reflected in a pot on the kitchen stove, rolls her eyes. SlutPiper describes the demon as having "wild hair and these intense, bulging eyes." If she's describing Piggy, she left out the bit about the snout, the jowls, and the non-existent jaw line. Prue tells SlutPiper to pull a vanquishing spell from the Book of Shadows while she heads to the library to pick up Phoebe. SlutPiper tells her to hurry, and hangs up. SlutPiper then turns to RealPiper, asking for the whereabouts of the BoS. RealPiper stonewalls, telling SlutPiper she's made "a big mistake." SlutPiper coolly replies that if RealPiper doesn't get with the program, SlutPiper will go through each sister until she finds one who will help her roast Piggy. "One dead demon or three dead witches?" she asks. RealPiper sends her to the attic.

By Demian

Back in the attic, Prue and Phoebe have hit Piggy's entry in the BoS. As Prue explains what alchemists do, Phoebe notices Piper exiting the manor below, without the Dolt and without having stopped to say goodbye. Prue continues with Piggy's entry. The magic green bottle is actually an "Essence Bearer." Prue reads that "a life essence is comparable to a human soul, but made in a mixing lab." As we have seen with the Essence of Slut, a "well-made life essence can possess any living being," but proves fatal to the host's pre-existing soul. Prue finally puts the pieces together, and realizes Piggy was warning Prue and Phoebe about SlutPiper. Phoebe's a bit slower on the uptake, like that's a surprise, but Prue whips her into action. They set to work on a "dispossessing spell."

I can't reiterate that enough. Cut to P3. "Unbelievable" blares in the background as SlutPiper pulls a Coyote Ugly on top of the bar. Inside sources have told us on the boards that Holly Marie Combs had a slut double for this performance. The lusty lads of the class of 1990 hoot and wolf-whistle as SlutPiper dispenses a couple of upside-down shots. The tasteful bitches of the class of 1990 gaze on, appalled. Prue and Phoebe rush down the stairs of the club, with Phoebe babbling that she hopes Prue is wrong about the possession theory. They skitter to a halt at the sight of SlutPiper having the sort of fun RealPiper should have been having all along. "Hope. Dashed," Phoebe sputters. More of the bar-top dancing, as the Slut Double pushes her ass into some appreciative extra's face. Prue and Phoebe try to come up with a way to get SlutPiper out of there, but are interrupted by a Terribly Helpful Bottle Blonde, who reveals she's been sober for five years. To the giggling amusement of Prue and Phoebe, THBB gives them her card, urging them to have Piper call about her "problem." Alcoholics Anonymous jokes, people. Comedy gold. Or not. Prue and Phoebe spot SlutPiper grinding against Missy's husband, and head over to pull her away. Missy busts her man for coming on to SlutPiper, but SlutPiper freezes her before she can kick her rant into high gear. Prue and Phoebe barge in, knocking Missy out of the freeze, and drag SlutPiper out to the alley.

By Demian

Out in the alley, Prue shoves SlutPiper towards a wall, and joins Phoebe in reciting, "Host soul, reject the poison essence/Let love's light end this cruel possession." SlutPiper is knocked back slightly by the spell, but quickly recovers. "Clever, girls," SlutPiper snots. Phoebe realizes SlutPiper is too strong, and that they will need the Power of Three to vanquish her. Prue tells SlutPiper she has "ten seconds" to get out of Piper's body on her own. "Or what?" SlutPiper replies. "You'll hit me with another rhyming couplet?" Snerk. SlutPiper notes that she has the combined power of both Piggy and Piper, and is therefore "too strong for the Charmed Ones." Phoebe calls Leo for help, but SlutPiper informs them that he won't be orbing to their aid, as she's knocked him out. Prue violently TKs SlutPiper up against a wall, demanding again that the Essence of Slut leave her sister's body. SlutPiper reminds them the host must be killed for the essence to be released, but says if they insist, it's fine with her. SlutPiper pulls back the dropcloth to reveal DeadAndrew. She yanks the carving knife out of his chest and prepares to plunge it into her own, but Prue and Phoebe stop her. SlutPiper coolly hands the knife over to Prue, and glides past them back into the club.

Commercials. I like how the marketing people behind the campaign for The Gift make it look like Katie Holmes has a huge role in the movie for the spots they run on the WB, but completely ignore her presence in the film in the spots they run on every other network.

Back in the club, "New Sensation" by INXS plays as Prue and Phoebe again try to figure out a way to get SlutPiper back to the manor. Prue grabs SlutPiper by the arm to drag her out of the club, but SlutPiper fights back. Sister-on-sister smackdown ensues, to the delight of the lusty lads of the class of 1990. Yawn. Prue finally knocks SlutPiper out with a karate chop to the neck, as Missy snits in the background, "I knew they weren't really that close." Shut up, Missy. Justin, concerned, walks over to offer his assistance. Prue has Justin grab the unconscious SlutPiper in a fireman's carry, and they flee the club.