Fade up on two before-and-after photos of Piper Halliwell. The after is the Piper we all know and tolerate. The before, from her days at Baker High ten years ago, is supposed to be truly hideous: tacky headband holding back limp, apparently unwashed hair, large round tortoiseshell glasses, a mouthful of braces, a pink fuzzy sweater, too much lip gloss, and acne. It sounds awful, doesn't it? But remember, this is Holly Marie Combs we're talking about here. They can try to geek her up, but the bone structure is still there, and that acne looks painfully fake. In other words, I'm not buying it. The camera cuts to Prue and Leo, evaluating the two photos, which are part of a larger grouping of before-and-afters of the Baker High class of 1990. Prue is telling Leo to cut Piper a little slack if she seems to be overly neurotic about her high-school reunion, as high school was "hard" for Piper. "Really hard," Prue emphasizes as we get an extreme close-up of Piper the Geek. Prue whips her head around to face Leo, telling him Piper was "kind of like Jan Brady. You know, the middle sister. Not quite sure where she fits in." Leo: "Jan who?" Didn't see that coming, did ya, kids?
"Ready or not, here I come!" Piper calls down from upstairs, and Prue hustles Leo over to the foot of the staircase, reminding him to be supportive, no matter what Piper ends up looking like. Piper scuttles down to the landing, and she looks -- wait for it -- awful. The camera pans up from her black ankle-strap pumps to take in the knee-length, tight, spaghetti-strapped, marabou-trimmed black lace-and-satin sheath Piper has squeezed herself into. The dress looks like a novelty lampshade from the 1950s. The accessories consist of a chunky bracelet, a thin jeweled choker, and dangly cubic zirconium earrings. The hair's a little big, as well. Prue smarms out an insincere "you look great" through gritted teeth, which Leo modifies with "really really really great." Piper, not buying it, tells Leo two "reallys" would have sufficed. More of Prue and Leo lying to Piper about her appearance, which leads Piper to snit that she'll end up winning the prize for "most likely to frighten people away at the door" at that evening's reunion. Piper, hon, you don't look that bad. You should just think twice before raiding Phoebe's closet in the future.
Piper pouts her way over to the hall mirror, with Leo limply trailing behind her, flaccidly offering words of reassurance and reminding her that reunions are supposed to be fun. Piper wheels on him, asking him if by any chance he was popular in high school. The Dolt hems and haws until he finally realizes there is "no right answer" to that question as far as Piper is concerned. Piper whines about her geek status ten years ago, claiming she was a nobody at school. Prue moves over to disabuse Piper of that notion, but Piper's not having it, reminding her sister that Prue was class president, and therefore has no idea what it was like "on the other side." Get over it, Piper. In my high school, only the biggest of tools participated in student government. Piper moans some more about wanting to show up the snotty bitches at the reunion, but instead she'll be showing up as a "big-haired freak." Prue tries to calm her a bit, telling her she just doesn't look like herself in her current get-up. Piper replies that if she could attend the reunion as herself, she wouldn't be having a problem at the moment, and storms off into the parlor. The Dolt takes this opportunity to ask Piper if it's a "costume party." Prue shoves him from behind at this. Unfortunately, she doesn't shove him hard enough to cause the sort of skull-crushing injury he deserves.
Blathercakes from Piper about having to keep secret the fact she's part of a powerful triad of witches who fight evil with the help of a White Lighter. Rather than seeing that, her former classmates will see a "loser who still lives at home with her sisters and her unemployed boyfriend." Prue changes the topic, promising Piper a makeover of epic proportions in time for the party. "Who do you think helped Phoebe go blonde?" she adds. I wouldn't brag about that if I were you, sweetie. Leo notes that it might be a good idea if they invited Phoebe along, and we hit this week's exposition of past events. For Christ's sake, I wish they would just start airing "previously on Charmed" bits so I wouldn't have to sit through this crap. For those of you who fried too many brain cells self-medicating during the holiday visits with family to remember the last episode, Phoebe's been in a bit of a funk since she had to get rid of her demonic boyfriend, Cole, and Prue thinks Phoebe's been avoiding the others because of this. Piper snits off upstairs as Prue tells Leo to work on Phoebe while she gets to work on Piper.
You'd be expecting the opening credits at this point, wouldn't you? Well, you're wrong. Cut to a shot of a male hand smashing a couple of glass vials to bits on a wooden table. We pull back to reveal the owner of the hand, and I have to give credit to the make-up effects department for making this week's scenery-chomping bad guy really look like a demon pig from Hell. Oh, wait. Those aren't prosthetics. "I made you from my own blood," Piggy snorts, and the shot cuts to a femme-fatale type with bigger hair and more lip gloss than Piper. She's wearing a blue peasant blouse with one shoulder naughtily exposed, because she's as evil and nasty as Piggy. Piggy is wearing a loose blue satin top that stretches over his Doughboy belly in a most unattractive manner, making him look like one of those rapidly-aging resort queens who travel to South Beach with their fluffy white cats named Precious and Bitsy to ogle the hot dancing gay boys at Liquid. The Slut calls Piggy "Kierkan, the Dark and Powerful Alchemist" and Piggy calls the Slut "Terra," but I'll be sticking to my original names for both. Piggy, apparently, created the Slut in a little green mixing bottle he keeps under glass. He somehow obtained the "perfect body" for the Slut, and now keeps her locked in a subterranean chamber. The Slut has grown tired of this arrangement and wants to get out of the dungeon, presumably to vanquish the Halliwells, but Piggy's having none of it. Piggy hints that he may just toss the Slut back into the bottle and start again, but the sly Slut snatches a dagger from the table and plunges it deep into her ample bosom. Piggy screams, "No!" as the Slut sinks to her knees, and he makes for the green bottle. The Slut falls on her back as The Essence of Slut rises in a blue mist above her corpse. SlutEssence slips through a crack in the door as Piggy wails after her.
Still no opening credits, as we cut to a yuppie stalking down the street barking orders into one of those newfangled hands-free cellular phones the kids are so hot for nowadays. Andrew Bowen plays the yuppie. Mr. Bowen had a brief stint on Mad TV, during which he played the clueless yahoo they set Debbie Rowe up with in a Change of Heart parody. (They set Michael Jackson up with Jocelyn Wildenstein. I snicker every time I think of it.) ["He also showed up as a Keanu Reeves-imitating desk clerk last season on ER." -- Sars] Anyway, Andrew pauses to check out his appearance in a mirrored office-building window as he tells his colleague that "it has to be done before the stock IPOs" for the "computer game" they're working on. I wonder if the writers are even aware that newspapers carry sections entitled "Business," wherein the various troubles of tech stocks have been detailed for months. Meanwhile, SlutEssence percolates out of a sewer grating and slithers up to Andrew's groin. I'm not kidding with that. SlutEssence swirls up to Andrew's face and enters his body through his mouth as Andrew moans in near-orgasmic ecstasy. SlutAndrew slinkily hangs up on the colleague, and checks out his/her/its new equipment. "Well, now," SlutAndrew croons. "I've never been a man before. Walking should be interesting," and SlutAndrew cups his crotch. RealAndrew appears as a reflection in the mirrored window, wearing a white linen smock I'm told is popular on the Indian subcontinent. SlutAndrew demands that RealAndrew take him/her/it to the Charmed Ones. RealAndrew, of course, has no idea what SlutAndrew is talking about. RealAndrew attempts to get help from a passing woman, to no avail. SlutAndrew informs RealAndrew he's "just a trapped soul now," and turns to stalk away.
Credits. No Darryl, which bothers me not in the least. No Cole, which means this episode is going to be painfully long.
Fade up on Piper's boudoir, where an array of rejected reunion garments lies scattered across the bed. Prue's remade Piper in the image of a sleekly successful businesswoman. Her hair is pulled neatly back into a bun, and she wears a tasteful black jacket and skirt with a delicate strand of fine, cultured pearls at her neck. In other words, Prue's given Piper the same makeover the Republicans attempted when they tried to de-lesbianize Mary Cheney for the convention last August. However, whereas Mary Cheney looked like a trucker in drag, Piper actually looks very good. I hope Mary Cheney doesn't read this and decide to hunt me down. She could beat me up. Anyway, Piper evaluates her look in a full-length mirror and suggests they go back to the "Betsey Johnson cool club-chick look." Prue snarks that they could also wrap Piper in a bed sheet and send her into the reunion as a Hare Krishna. This leads to more reunion angst from Piper, and when Prue reasonably wonders why Piper cares what the gang from high school thinks, Piper shoots her down with, "Only a former cheerleader would ask that question." Sisterly banter, with Prue ordering Piper to have a good time, Piper claiming Prue "is not the boss of [her]," and Prue countering with a "yes, I am." Piper then asks Prue about her date the prior evening, which Prue claims was a disaster due to her paramour's halitosis. Piper promises she'll scope out the reunion for former football players appropriate for an ex-head-cheerleader. Insert your own "dirty knees" joke here. Prue insists that younger men are not on her agenda.
Phoebe wanders in at this point, looking for her glasses. The fact that she's gone back to wearing her glasses, combined with her general appearance -- she looks like she's been shagged backwards through a hedge, and not in a good way - means we're supposed to realize she's still pining away for that sweet little demonic ADA of hers. When Prue and Piper tell her they haven't seen them, Phoebe mutters a "nuh" and wanders bleakly back into the hallway. Prue and Piper skitter after her, inviting her to join them at the reunion that evening. Phoebe begs off, claiming she has schoolwork to catch up on, and tells them she'll be spending the evening at the library. Prue tells Phoebe again that if Phoebe needs shoulders to lean on in this troubling time of hers, her sisters are there for her. Phoebe replies she knows that, but she thinks it would be better for her to figure a way out of her current funk on her own. Phoebe pauses to compliment Piper on her appearance, and leaves. Prue and Piper project Looks Of Concern at Phoebe's retreating figure.
Cut to the street outside the manor, where Prue, Piper, and Leo are loading reunion treats into the back of the SUV. A sporty red convertible pulls up and the man inside calls out, "Piper Halliwell! You still living at home?" "Yes. Yes, I am," Piper replies. "Still living in the very pricey, antique-filled Nob Hill Victorian I co-own with my sisters because my dead grandmother willed it to us. So, haul your worthless ass back to your studio apartment in Oakland, you fuckstick." Only Piper says none of that. Instead, she rather effusively greets the fuckstick, whose name is Justin Harper. Leo gets his boxers in a twist over this, wondering if Justin is an ex-boyfriend. Before he can whip it out to mark his territory, Prue reassures Leo that Justin was just a friend of Piper's, and that Justin actually had a crush on Prue back in the day. Piper and Justin discuss the reunion, and Justin agrees to help them haul some of the food to the club. Prue bounces over with a couple of catering trays, noting that Justin is "all grown up." Justin thinks Prue is Phoebe. Burn!
Piper returns to Leo's side in time for him to note that The Powers That Be are ringing his bell again. Piper makes him "double extra promise" to be back in time to escort her to the reunion, and I stifle my gag reflex as they lean in for a kiss. The camera pans over to an ecru Mercedes parked a bit down the street. Smirking all the while, SlutAndrew watches as Piper perks her way into the SUV. RealAndrew, appearing in the vanity mirror on the visor, pantingly begs SlutAndrew to leave his body. SlutAndrew replies that he/she/it can't do that until he/she/it gets one of the Halliwells alone, as the transfer of the SlutEssence is a "messy" process. RealAndrew begs some more, noting he can't breathe. SlutAndrew smoothly informs RealAndrew it's because his "soul is dying," flips the visor up, and fires up the Merc to follow the SUV and the convertible.
Meanwhile, at your friendly neighborhood cemetery, Phoebe has decided to skip the schoolwork to visit the Mausoleum's mausoleum. I know she's grieving for her lost boyfriend and all, so I should cut her a little slack on her wardrobe, but please. Enough with the gauzy paisley wraps over black pants, hon. Phoebe squats down over the hole Cole's vanquished shirt ate into the marble floor, holding her hands above it as if to summon him. She talks to him, telling him she can no longer keep lying to her sisters. Phoebe needs to tell Piper and Prue she let Cole go, that he won't harm them, and that he loves her, but she doesn't know how to do it. She leans back against a stone bier in frustration, and is flung into a vision. A woman who looks like she could be playing Annie Sullivan in a low-rent version of The Miracle Worker turns on a mustachioed Victorian gent, her eyes blazing with demonic bitchery. She snatches a wailing child from the man's hands, and shoots a blue ball of death at the mustachioed one's chest as the child screams in her arms. Phoebe turns and scrapes away decades of dust from the bier's engraved nameplate to reveal "Benjamin Colerige Turner, 1859-1888." I suppose he must have married into the Mausoleum clan. And the mustachioed one looked a lot older than twenty-nine, but whatever. Phoebe apprehensively eyes the empty mausoleum around her.
P3. Flunkies hang a "Reunion Party" sign as a bottle-blonde bitch snipes about the "wrinkles in the middle" of the banner. Prue and Piper enter in mid-pep-talk, which is cut short when Piper recognizes the bottle-blonde bitch as "Missy Campbell, homecoming queen." Prue again reassures Piper and moves to join Justin at the bar. Piper approaches Missy, the Bottle-Blonde Bitch, and introduces herself. Not as "Piper Halliwell, the owner of the club which is quite graciously hosting both the reunion and your dark roots, you pathetic sow," but as "Piper Halliwell, the geek you had Chemistry and English with." Well, not exactly in those words, but close enough. You can almost hear Piper's spine slithering down her leg to slink across the floor and hide in a dark corner at the sight of the B-BB. The B-BB makes an entirely uncalled-for remark about Piper's complexion having cleared up, and asks Piper if she uses Accutane. Instead of telling this cooze into which orifice she can cram her attitude, Piper makes meek noises about it being ten years and all. Piper then offers to help with the set-up. The B-BB tells her to take out the trash. Piper should start with Missy.
Prue, watching all this from the bar, moves to initiate the smackdown on the B-BB, but Justin holds her back, telling her that Piper "needs to find her legs on her own." And her spine, while she's at it. Justin reminds Prue of the time when Piper ran for freshman class secretary and got so flustered that Prue had to finish her campaign speech for her. Prue calls Justin on the Phoebe thing earlier. Justin replies that Prue "plagued" his high-school years, and that "a guy's got to turn the tables every ten years or so." Sparks of newfound lust fly between the two as SlutAndrew makes his/her/its way down the stairs. SlutAndrew scopes out the club as Justin and Prue banter a bit more. Justin reveals he keeps the same sort of list of characteristics for potential dates that Prue does.
Before Prue can move in for the mack, however, she catches sight of Piper tussling with the garbage. Prue crosses to Piper, asking her what she thinks she's doing, that she owns the club and should tell someone else to take out the trash. Piper makes some more tiresome noises about "feeling like [she's] sixteen again" around her former classmates. Prue offers to beat them all up, one by one. Piper shrugs this off, and announces she'll take out the garbage and try to regain her composure. Prue heads back to Justin at the bar. SlutAndrew, realizing this is his/her/its chance to get one of the sisters alone, grabs a carving knife from the bar and stalks his/her/its way out to the alley.
Out back, Piper struggles with the garbage bags, trying to find a relatively empty Dumpster. SlutAndrew slithers up behind her, startling her. SlutAndrew then plunges the knife into his/her/its heart, and, gasping, staggers back to slump against a wall. Piper makes frantic hooting noises, and as she kneels in front of SlutAndrew, the SlutEssence shoots from his head to hers. SlutPiper rises to her feet, straightens her jacket, and says to DeadAndrew, "Thanks for the ride." She then covers the corpse with a discarded sheet, and moves to a shard of broken mirror in one of the bins. "You better be as powerful as they say you are," she oozes to the reflection of RealPiper in the glass. Commercial.
SlutPiper reenters the club, and pauses to ask RealPiper's reflection in the chrome on the pay phone what Prue's name is. "If you get out of my body right now," RealPiper replies, "I might not have to vanquish your sorry ass." SlutPiper remarks that RealPiper is "not as weak" as she thought she would be and heads back into the club proper. Prue and Justin are still at it with the flirting. Prue has scored a five on Justin's ten-point dating list, whereas Justin has scored a measly four on Prue's. Exciting, isn't it? SlutPiper walks up to the bar behind them and pours herself a shot. Prue hustles over, telling SlutPiper that booze is not the way to deal with her "reunion jitters." SlutPiper is, of course, preoccupied with other issues, but refrains from pouring herself a second shot. The Bottle-Blonde Bitch approaches, practically ordering SlutPiper to transfer the hors d'oeuvres trays from one table to another, and SlutPiper rather apathetically agrees to do so. As the Bottle-Blonde Bitch strides away with a false smile plastered all over her hideously smug face, Prue urges SlutPiper to stand up for herself. "Okay," SlutPiper agrees, and follows that with "Hey! Bitch! Move the damn trays yourself!" The bitch in question is taken aback, but complies. As Prue babbles something about the inappropriateness of the "bitch" appellation, RealPiper temporarily takes control of her body and clutches Prue's wrist, pleading for help. SlutPiper regains control of Piper's body, makes an excuse to leave, and takes off for the Halliwell manor.
Out in the alley, Piggy wanders into view, holding his right hand before his body as "eerie" "music" plays in the background. The Hand of Piggy leads Piggy to the shrouded corpse of DeadAndrew. Piggy tosses a little Latin voodoo DeadAndrew's way -- something about vitas animas that someone who remembers high-school Latin far better than I do will have to translate for all of you ["it means 'living spirits'" -- Sars] -- and, accompanied by a bolt of alchemist energy, jolts DeadAndrew back to life. Andrew staggers to his feet with a lot of "What? What the hell?" noises as Piggy demands to know where the Slut is now. Andrew is distracted by the nine-inch carving knife sticking out of his chest. Piggy tosses Andrew up against the wall in a chokehold and tells him to "focus." Andrew pulls it together long enough to clue Piggy in on the brown-haired woman from the "big house on Prescott Street." There is no Prescott Street in San Francisco, in case you were wondering. More overacting from Piggy, more amusing befuddlement from Andrew Bowen. Andrew asks Piggy why he's still alive, given the big honking knife in his chest. In response, Piggy turns Andrew back into DeadAndrew. Poor Andrew. You were far more interesting than any of the other subsidiary characters I've seen thus far on this show, for whatever that's worth. Piggy covers up the corpse again and waddles off down the alley.
Cut to the interior of the Historical Society, where a banner welcomes the "centennial visitors." Centennial of what? An eagerly helpful researcher fills Phoebe in on Benjamin Turner. While he died as previously noted in 1888, there is no record of his wife's death. We get a shot of the obituary that apparently ran when Turner died, and it looks a little too sophisticated, graphically speaking, for a San Francisco newspaper of the day. For what it's worth, Turner was a state assemblyman at the time of his death. Phoebe asks about Turner's son. Susie Research confirms the Turners had a son named Cole, who was born in 1885. Though the society has no record of his death, either, Susie Research doubts Cole would still be kicking it at the age of one hundred and fifteen. Like, ha ha. Not.
Manor hallway, 3:04 PM. I don't know if the time's important, but they chose to make note of it in a shot of the freshly-restored grandfather clock, so there you go. SlutPiper stomps in through the front door, which they apparently are still leaving unlocked despite their recent experience with Jennifer Abbey Leigh, and worries that Piggy will find her and kill her, but RealPiper refuses to divulge her powers to the Slut. SlutPiper hyperventilates a bit as she worries some more about Piggy. As SlutPiper stalks her way through the manor, scoping out the place, she carries on a conversation with RealPiper by way of various reflective surfaces in the different rooms. RealPiper tells SlutPiper to get out of her body, promising to help her avoid Piggy if she does so. SlutPiper says that she can't survive without a host, and she'd rather RealPiper's soul die than hers. You can tell Holly Marie Combs is having more fun with all of this than she probably should, but, hey, it's her show. More power to her. SlutPiper comes up with a cunning plan to get Phoebe and Prue back to the manor so the three can get rid of Piggy once and for all. She dials Information, asking for the number to P3, and tells RealPiper she plans to cook up an imaginary demon to get the other Ps back to the house.
P3. Prue continues with the bar prep as the B-BB approaches snottily. The B-BB needs Prue to "help the DJ set up." Prue smiles sweetly and scratches her nose in response, TKing the rope holding up the balloon drop free of its mooring, sending a cascade of blue and white balloons to the club floor. The B-BB wails, whining that "that's the third time that happened." "Oh, that's too bad," Prue babytalks back. As the B-BB scuttles over to string up the balloons again, Justin approaches, amused by it all. Regarding the balloon situation, Justin guesses the club has a "poltergeist situation." Prue's momentarily taken aback, and asks Justin if he really believes in things like ghosts and such. He does, noting that said belief "makes life interesting." Prue clearly thinks her life's becoming more and more interesting because of Justin, and comments that she should add "belief in the supernatural" to her list. At the rate she's going, someone's going to have to toss a bucket of ice water on her before the end of this episode.
The phone rings. It's SlutPiper, who fakes her way through a story of finding a demon in the manor. Prue asks SlutPiper if she froze the demon, and SlutPiper presses the phone to her shoulder to gloat a moment over this bit of information. RealPiper, reflected in a pot on the kitchen stove, rolls her eyes. SlutPiper describes the demon as having "wild hair and these intense, bulging eyes." If she's describing Piggy, she left out the bit about the snout, the jowls, and the non-existent jaw line. Prue tells SlutPiper to pull a vanquishing spell from the Book of Shadows while she heads to the library to pick up Phoebe. SlutPiper tells her to hurry, and hangs up. SlutPiper then turns to RealPiper, asking for the whereabouts of the BoS. RealPiper stonewalls, telling SlutPiper she's made "a big mistake." SlutPiper coolly replies that if RealPiper doesn't get with the program, SlutPiper will go through each sister until she finds one who will help her roast Piggy. "One dead demon or three dead witches?" she asks. RealPiper sends her to the attic.
Phoebe's cell phone rings at the Historical Society. Prue fills her in, and, thinking Phoebe's still at the library, tells her to wait outside. Phoebe reveals she's actually at the Historical Society, and after a suspicious pause, Prue tells Phoebe she'll pick her up there. Phoebe looks conflicted. Or vacant. Your choice.
Back at the manor, the Hand of Piggy has led him to the sidewalk across the street from the house. Inside, SlutPiper clomps down the stairs, expressing impatience and wondering why she can't perform the spell on her own. RealPiper reminds SlutPiper that it's a Power of Three, so they have no choice but to wait for Prue and Phoebe's return. "What kind of witch can't kill a demon without her sisters?" SlutPiper snits. "What kind of demon has a panic attack when her boyfriend comes to visit?" RealPiper shoots back.
Piggy picks this moment to fling open the still-unlocked front door. He waddles on over to SlutPiper and TKs her to the floor. Piggy threatens her with a knife, the magic green bottle at the ready to store the Essence of Slut once Piggy has planted the knife in SlutPiper's chest. SlutPiper freezes him from her position on the floor. In a cleansing burst of synchronicity, Prue and Phoebe barrel in the door at that moment. Riiiight. SlutPiper hustles to their side with the vanquishing spell, which the three recite:
Let flesh be flesh, and bone be bone:
The alchemist shall transform none.
Cruel scientist of evil born,
With these words, face the fire's scorn.Or "firestorm." Again, whatever works for you. The Piggy barbecue flames up. Before he dissolves into a puddle of flame, Piggy drops the magic green bottle and screams at Prue and Phoebe, telling them he would have helped them vanquish "her," but now his beautiful wickedness is melting! Melting! A shot of the three sisters, Prue standing confused in the center, and we cut to commercial.
Attic. Prue enters first, asking the oddly unconcerned SlutPiper to repeat Piggy's name for purposes of BoS research. SlutPiper tries to persuade the other two to drop the matter, but Prue and Phoebe are determined to find out more about the "she-demon" who is apparently after them. The sisters are wearing black (SlutPiper), white (Prue), and red (Phoebe), which reminds me of Vera Charles, Mame Dennis, and Agnes Gooch, apropos of nothing. SlutPiper says Piggy could have been lying about the she-demon, as demons are not exactly known for their honesty. Phoebe counters with, "Not all demons lie." Prue turns slightly to gaze at Phoebe, and the anvil meant for her head crashes to the floor by her side instead. SlutPiper basically gives a big "whatever" to the whole situation, and leaves to get ready for the reunion. As SlutPiper reaches for the doorknob, RealPiper again regains control of her body to whimper, "Prue, I'm dying." SlutPiper snatches the body back and covers with "I'm dying to get to that reunion," and takes her leave.
Phoebe wonders what's wrong with Piper, leading Prue to ask Phoebe what's wrong with her. She accuses Phoebe of lying about being at the library all night. Drop it, Prue. That's not exactly a lie. Phoebe 'fesses up to researching Cole's background. Belthazor/Cole blather. Prue thinks Phoebe needs to "let go" of the whole thing, and that trying to separate the good Cole from the evil Belthazor in Phoebe's mind is not the way to do it. Phoebe insists that she needs to focus on the good at the moment. Prue finally drops it, urging Phoebe to concentrate on the "demon that's after [them] now." Phoebe agrees, but bites her lip and looks pensive when Prue refocuses her attention on the BoS.
Piper's boudoir. RealPiper again tries to convince SlutPiper to return control of her body, noting that her boyfriend -- she's being evasive about names here -- will figure SlutPiper out even if Prue and Phoebe didn't. SlutPiper, who has changed into an outfit befitting her name, thinks she can snow the boyfriend anyway. As the Dolt orbs in in the background, RealPiper identifies him as "Tom." The Dolt takes in SlutPiper's tight black leather pants and the red PVC top she's sprayed over her boobs, and intones, "Wow." "Tom," SlutPiper greets him. "You scared me. I didn't hear the door." The Dolt is confused. "I didn't use the door. Did you just call me 'Tom'?" SlutPiper begs forgiveness for this mistake, and moves in to inhale the Dolt's face. The Dolt pulls away from the embrace, telling SlutPiper her "kisses seem different." That's because she's putting a little heat into it, moron. Your real girlfriend should take a lesson or two from that. SlutPiper pouts out an excuse, but the Dolt isn't having it and asks her to tell him his real name. SlutPiper tosses an aside to RealPiper in the mirror and shoots the Dolt up against the wall and into unconsciousness with a bolt of alchemist energy. She tells RealPiper not to worry, the Dolt is "too cute to kill." No, he's not. Feel free to fry him. You know you want to. SlutPiper leaves for the reunion.
Back in the attic, Prue and Phoebe have hit Piggy's entry in the BoS. As Prue explains what alchemists do, Phoebe notices Piper exiting the manor below, without the Dolt and without having stopped to say goodbye. Prue continues with Piggy's entry. The magic green bottle is actually an "Essence Bearer." Prue reads that "a life essence is comparable to a human soul, but made in a mixing lab." As we have seen with the Essence of Slut, a "well-made life essence can possess any living being," but proves fatal to the host's pre-existing soul. Prue finally puts the pieces together, and realizes Piggy was warning Prue and Phoebe about SlutPiper. Phoebe's a bit slower on the uptake, like that's a surprise, but Prue whips her into action. They set to work on a "dispossessing spell."
I can't reiterate that enough. Cut to P3. "Unbelievable" blares in the background as SlutPiper pulls a Coyote Ugly on top of the bar. Inside sources have told us on the boards that Holly Marie Combs had a slut double for this performance. The lusty lads of the class of 1990 hoot and wolf-whistle as SlutPiper dispenses a couple of upside-down shots. The tasteful bitches of the class of 1990 gaze on, appalled. Prue and Phoebe rush down the stairs of the club, with Phoebe babbling that she hopes Prue is wrong about the possession theory. They skitter to a halt at the sight of SlutPiper having the sort of fun RealPiper should have been having all along. "Hope. Dashed," Phoebe sputters. More of the bar-top dancing, as the Slut Double pushes her ass into some appreciative extra's face. Prue and Phoebe try to come up with a way to get SlutPiper out of there, but are interrupted by a Terribly Helpful Bottle Blonde, who reveals she's been sober for five years. To the giggling amusement of Prue and Phoebe, THBB gives them her card, urging them to have Piper call about her "problem." Alcoholics Anonymous jokes, people. Comedy gold. Or not. Prue and Phoebe spot SlutPiper grinding against Missy's husband, and head over to pull her away. Missy busts her man for coming on to SlutPiper, but SlutPiper freezes her before she can kick her rant into high gear. Prue and Phoebe barge in, knocking Missy out of the freeze, and drag SlutPiper out to the alley.
Out in the alley, Prue shoves SlutPiper towards a wall, and joins Phoebe in reciting, "Host soul, reject the poison essence/Let love's light end this cruel possession." SlutPiper is knocked back slightly by the spell, but quickly recovers. "Clever, girls," SlutPiper snots. Phoebe realizes SlutPiper is too strong, and that they will need the Power of Three to vanquish her. Prue tells SlutPiper she has "ten seconds" to get out of Piper's body on her own. "Or what?" SlutPiper replies. "You'll hit me with another rhyming couplet?" Snerk. SlutPiper notes that she has the combined power of both Piggy and Piper, and is therefore "too strong for the Charmed Ones." Phoebe calls Leo for help, but SlutPiper informs them that he won't be orbing to their aid, as she's knocked him out. Prue violently TKs SlutPiper up against a wall, demanding again that the Essence of Slut leave her sister's body. SlutPiper reminds them the host must be killed for the essence to be released, but says if they insist, it's fine with her. SlutPiper pulls back the dropcloth to reveal DeadAndrew. She yanks the carving knife out of his chest and prepares to plunge it into her own, but Prue and Phoebe stop her. SlutPiper coolly hands the knife over to Prue, and glides past them back into the club.
Commercials. I like how the marketing people behind the campaign for The Gift make it look like Katie Holmes has a huge role in the movie for the spots they run on the WB, but completely ignore her presence in the film in the spots they run on every other network.
Back in the club, "New Sensation" by INXS plays as Prue and Phoebe again try to figure out a way to get SlutPiper back to the manor. Prue grabs SlutPiper by the arm to drag her out of the club, but SlutPiper fights back. Sister-on-sister smackdown ensues, to the delight of the lusty lads of the class of 1990. Yawn. Prue finally knocks SlutPiper out with a karate chop to the neck, as Missy snits in the background, "I knew they weren't really that close." Shut up, Missy. Justin, concerned, walks over to offer his assistance. Prue has Justin grab the unconscious SlutPiper in a fireman's carry, and they flee the club.
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe and Prue lay SlutPiper down on a sofa, and Prue tells Phoebe to fetch Leo. Phoebe's a little unnerved, because Prue hasn't fully explained her plan. Prue urges Phoebe to trust her, and sends her on her way. Prue places the knife on the mantel, sets the magic green bottle at the ready, and leans in for a little heartfelt monologue directed at her possessed sister on the sofa. I won't bother transcribing it. Suffice to say, Prue promises Piper that whatever happens, Prue will find a way to bring Piper back. Shannen gets all teary. Aw. Not. Prue stands, says, "Please forgive me for what I'm about to do," and flings the knife via TK into SlutPiper's chest. SlutPiper snaps back to consciousness and screams. Phoebe and the Dolt rush in at that moment.
Prue runs to Phoebe and pulls her down behind another couch as the Dolt rushes to SlutPiper's side. The Dolt snits that he can't heal the dead, and pulls the knife from SlutPiper's chest. SlutEssence emerges from the gaping wound, and enters the Dolt. Prue informs SlutDolt that he now has the power to revive Piper. SlutDolt rises to his/her/its feet, and Brian Krause makes me hate him more than I previously thought possible with the way he handles SlutDolt's characterization in this bit. There was some small semblance of continuity in the way Andrew Bowen and Holly Marie Combs played the possession angle, with Bowen bringing a sort of malicious, mischievous glee to the part, and Combs tapping into her inner bad girl as a continuance of that. Krause has chosen to ignore this, and turns SlutDolt into a simpering, sibilant, effeminate pantywaist pansy -- a clue-free straight man's idea of what men act like when they're pretending to be women. I despise him.
Anyway, Prue quickly makes a deal with SlutDolt. The sisters will suffer SlutDolt to live and will hand over the magic green bottle if SlutDolt revives DeadPiper. SlutDolt considers this for a moment, and agrees. SlutDolt repeats the incomprehensible Latin of Piggy. When Piper awakes with a gasp of surprise and pain, Prue tosses the magic green bottle at SlutDolt, who moves to a corner of the room and crushes the bottle beneath his/her/its foot. Phoebe and Prue huddle with Piper on the couch and begin to recite the earlier dispossessing spell. SlutDolt attempts to stop them with a bolt of alchemist energy, which Prue deflects to the mantel mirror, shattering the glass. The sisters finish the spell, and SlutEssence pours from the Dolt's body, coalesces briefly, and then explodes. The Dolt leaps into White Lighter action when Prue informs him that Piper is still bleeding, and his special tingly touch mends both Piper's wound and the tear in her red PVC slut top. Piper and the Dolt embrace as Phoebe and Prue look on.
P3AD. The reunion has wound down, and the Ps enter with the Dolt as Prue expresses her regret that Piper missed the party. Banter and the weekly summation as Prue uncaps a round of Miller Genuine Draft longnecks for the foursome -- a total shout-out to me, because MGD longnecks are what I turn to for comfort after watching this crap. Alcoholics Anonymous be damned -- this show would knock Bill Wilson off the wagon. Piper thanks the Dolt for recognizing the difference between her kisses and those of the Slut, and then thanks Prue for figuring out a way to vanquish the Slut, even though it involved killing Piper first. Phoebe excuses herself to call Darryl about the dead yuppie in the alley. Leo follows her as Justin walks up, looking for an explanation of the catfight earlier. Prue flirtatiously tells him he'll receive an explanation when he calls her. Justin blushes and walks away as Piper teases Prue about her "no younger guys" rule from earlier. Prue playfully tells her to can it, and they toast to the joys of scoring with younger men.
A tiresome little scenelet follows at the pay phone. The Dolt tries to comfort Phoebe about Cole, and Phoebe nearly confesses to the Dolt that she let Cole go. That's it. And let me tell you, this guilt and grief over Cole and Phoebe's deep, dark secret is getting really old, really quickly. If they drag it out further than one more episode, I will be putting my foot through the television screen. The episode ends with a close-up of the Dolt's face as he watches a retreating Phoebe with concern.