Hell. Yes, we're literally in hell. An overhead camera shot (yes, we're paying attention to your technique, Shannen) rotates and lowers down to five men standing in a circle. The guys are all in spotlights and hooded robes. They're blathering about evil. We learn that they're the "Council" and that they believe that all of the witches in San Francisco are "charmed" now. I'm all primed to snicker and suggest that they get out more, but then I remember this show's dreaded continuity problem; for all I know, everyone in San Fran has superpowers this week. And what's up with this "Council"? Whatever happened to "The Source"? Pick a mythology and stick with it, writers. Then we see that there's a really HOT guy standing in the center of the circle. He looks like the bastard child of Steve McQueen and Brad Pitt. The actor, Marcus Graham, is another refugee guest star from the USA Network -- he played the lead on the series Sins of the City.
Which leads me to a shameless plug: This summer I'll be providing new content for MBTV in the form of Charmed first-season classics and extras, and will also be recapping Sex in the City with the lovely, talented, fabulous Nicole of Third Watch fame. Woo hoo! Nicole rocks!
Anyway, my new boyfriend in the leather pants and the sleeveless black tee (Woof!) is telling the Council that he is a "Dragon Warlock" who has a "passionate hatred" of witches and also "the power of flight." Well, he's one up on me with the flying thing, but we still have something in common, so maybe our relationship will work. Instead of letting the camera feast on my boyfriend's gorgeous face, Shannen rotates the lens around like the scene involves an ER gurney while inserting several fade-edits of the pentagrams on the Council members' robes. Yes, we know you're there. And that the hooded guys are nether-worldly. I'm getting queasy. Stop it, Shannen.
Sidebar. Here's a quick quote from the recent Entertainment Weekly interview with SD about her directorial debut with this episode: "We had all these crane shots and we built dolly tracks all over the place. But a lot of it didn't make it into the final cut." So sit down, imbibe a large gulp of bourbon and take a moment to consider what was actually left on the editing room floor. Shudder.
Then an evil, goateed (natch) Council member tells the Dragon Warlock that they've decided to try a different plan to destroy the Halliwells that doesn't involve the use of force. Another evil, goateed (natch) Council guy snaps his fingers in slo-mo. A bottle/vase/urn thing appears, from which a genie emerges. DW bitches that the Council "can't be serious" about using a genie. Snapfinger Goatee guy is (snicker) stroking an -- ahem -- flesh-colored snake like a low-rent Blofeld from the 007 flicks. Shout-out? Shout-out? The genie, played by French "Third Rock of Crack from the Sun" Stewart, who we'll call "Frenie," channels Jack Nicholson while prattling: "Personally, I think the BEST way to DESTROY witches, is NOT to treat them like WITCHES at all! Treat THEM like humans! Most of your evildoers -- naughty types -- think that it's best to DEPRIVE humans of what they desire. NO! You want to GET them, give them exactly WHAT they desire. You grant them their wishes, it'll lead to their UNDOING!" DW rolls his eyes. I am so picking out china patterns. Frenie smirks. The Council approves his plan. Frenie assures them that "El Genie Grande" will cross paths with the Halliwells and tempt them with three wishes. DW tells the Council that Frenie might betray them by running away once he gains his freedom after granting the wishes. The Council warns Frenie that they will hunt him down if he tries to bolt, because they can track down any non-mortal. Frenie looks uncomfortable. Or rather, among the plethora of expressions French Stewart mugs through -- he seems to be quickly, single-handedly acting out all of the reactions one might see during a daytime drama murder trial -- "uncomfortable" is the most prominent.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Phoebe "Flight of the Bumble P" Halliwell, in a tasteful red top, loose perm, and unfortunately Bedazzled jeans, is bitching and moaning while Piper "She's Answering that Doorway to Heaven" Halliwell wraps an Ace bandage around Phoebe's ankle. Leo "Wraith Healer" Wyatt observes from an armchair. Seems Pheebs has been injured while "kick-boxing a beast." She mugs, mutters, and elaborates, "A random attack! A demon drive-by!" Piper whines, "Nothing in our lives is random anymore." THE HELL? Piper, you live in world bereft of continuity! EVERYTHING IS RANDOM! Phoebe agrees, wanting to find a "cosmic order to all this." I cosmically order them both to get clues. This conversation makes no sense. Then Phoebe rewrites history by stating that the Halliwells had "a great year." She thinks that since they "wiped out a ton of nasties," they might have "tripped a supernatural alarm." Piper shuts her up with some rough bandaging. Phoebe yelps, "OW." Piper rolls her eyes. Word. Phoebe blathers some more about cosmic meaning. Leo goes sage-like, advising, "Everything happens in its own time. Don't rush what's to be." Pheebs makes a smooshy mouth in response. Piper moves the topic to herself: Dan will be back in town soon. She expositions about his research into Leo's death from the "Ex Libris" episode (continuity alert!). Piper: "He's going to expect a reaction from me." Phoebe: "Oh. Like: Dan, you're right. I am a necrophiliac." Heh. But really -- does Piper really owe Dan anything? And would Phoebe even know such a large, complex word? No, and no. Piper intentionally twists Pheebs' ankle and admonishes her. Just then, "The Grand" Prue "Bah" Halliwell, sporting a peasant blouse and jeans, lopes into the room. Piper wonders where she's "off to [sic]." Prue admits she has "a date with . . . Dick." Phoebe calls the guy "dull Dick" and assures Prue that she's "too hot to have to duty date." Prue whines about being "less picky" since her life is "all demon-hunting, no play." So she's seeking more "balance" in her life. Piper: "Yeah, but you don't need DICK." Prue gapes. Phoebe smirks. Leo titters. THWOCK! The combination of unsophisticated joke-writing and Shannen's suggestion that the players "mug unrestrainedly" just hit a big ole bulls-eye with this show's target demographic of thirteen-year-olds. Hee hee! "Dick"! Piper explains that she meant Prue should have a date she's "excited about." Prue says Dick "isn't that bad." Piper gets up and announces that she's heading to the club. Leo helps Phoebe off the couch. Pheebs says that she's "going to take a walk and try to loosen up this ankle," because she's a moron. Sure, hon, cure a sprain with a brisk walk. And treat open wounds with salt and vinegar while you're at it. Perhaps Piper should've wrapped a bandage around Phoebe's head sprain.
Porch. Shannen frames this shot from the ground, where a tan box with ornate metal trim is sitting. Piper opens the door (natch). Prue spies the box and grabs it. Phoebe and Leo join them in the foyer. The box is opened. Piper takes out the bottle/vase/urn and wonders if someone has "a secret admirer." Phoebe bitches that the bottle is "dusty." So she decides to, um, rub the vase vigorously up and down while Piper holds it in front of her. The horizontal bottle ejects a -- titter, titter -- stream of white mist across the room. It turns into Frenie. Leo and the Ps gape. Frenie makes a squinty eye face and offers, "Your wish is my command."
Credits. When would I like Greg Vaughan permanently removed from the credits? How soon is now?
Road Trip. In which some rowdy frat boys hit the highway, trashing DreamWorks' newly-won Oscar cred.
Establishing shots. Caterwauling. Y'all know the drill. Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Alyssa's still on "high mug," limping around furiously while interrogating Frenie about who sent him: "You don't KNOW who LICKED THE STAMP! I find that HARD TO BELIEVE!" Prue, who has no room whatsoever to dis anyone's fashion sense, thinks the big question is why Frenie is standing in their living room "wearing that," i.e. the standard issue "satin vest and harem pants" genie uniform. Shut up, Prue. We all saw the atrocities of your "theme" outfits this season. Frenie doesn't "get" why they want an explanation; he has wishes to grant for each of them. He explains, "You RUBBED! Now I SERVE!" and gets distracted by an open bowl of peanuts or sunflower seeds or something, and wishes aloud that he was "free" so he could nosh while he makes yummy noises. Leo, to his credit, warns the Ps, "Don't trust him," because genies are "tricksters by nature" who'll do anything to be freed. Frenie: "What are you, the butler?" He tries to push the wishes on the witches again. Phoebe thinks, "No way this is legit." Frenie threatens to become their "permanent houseguest" until they decide to take him up on the wishes.
Sunroom. The Ps and Leo hold a processing summit. Leo explains that Frenie can't harm them unless they wish for something. Any wish they choose will have an unseen consequence blah blah blah monkey's pawcakes (tm Sars). The sisters agree not to wish for anything, and announce their plans to take on the day. Phoebe, turning callous into self-effacing, tells them to "leave the genie with the cripple." She'll do research on him in the Book of Shadows while Piper heads to the nightclub and Prue goes on her lunch date. Prue kisses Phoebe and says, "Thank you, gimp!" Because together, they are the callous Ps.
Restaurant. Prue sits at a table with Dick, who's a pretty cute guy. Except he seems to think that there is such a thing as a short-sleeved dress shirt, which he wears with a tie a la Homer Simpson and Andy Sipowicz. Prue decides to go all Rules-Girl on him anyway, asking him to recommend something for her to eat from the menu. He geekily monotones a list of the entrees, deeming them all "fine." We GET IT -- this is the type of guy the producers usually foist upon Phoebe. Prue makes a whatever face (tm xix). Then she picks up her menu and says aloud, "What have I gotten myself into?" Rude, much? But Dick gets distracted by a teeny cartoon Frenie that appears perched on his menu. Frenie dives into Dick's mouth. There's too much subtext here for me to stop and figure out what aspect of this occurrence I'm tittering about. Dick/Frenie shudders, gasps, and channels Jim Carrey, fast-talking, "Don't you just love butter? Creamy goodness!" He pops a butterball into his mouth. I think a cheeseball would have been more appropriate, but whatever. Prue gapes. Dick/Frenie goes all sincere, admitting that he's "not halfway worthy of even dating [her]" because he's "dull as mud." He ponders aloud, what is Prue looking for in a guy? You'd think Prue would get suspicious at this 180-degree mood swing, but she snatches up the opportunity to talk exclusively about herself real quick. Prue: "I don't know . . . dating's kind of a job, you know . . . you get numb but you feel it's your duty to stay out there . . . I just want to get excited by love again . . . I wish it was like the first time." Dick/Frenie: "Your wish, my command." He snaps his fingers. Mojo-activating music tinkles.
Halliwell Manor. Attic. Phoebe's put on her sexy black frames and, like a fool, is standing on her sprained ankle while she combs through the pages of the BoS. Frenie mists into the room and goes straight into the hard sell. Does she want "fame and fortune"? After taxes, no. Land? Power? Beauty? She says no. (I can't believe the script-writer even included the beauty question in there; I might have thumped Alyssa pretty hard about her acting abilities in these recaps but I will readily admit that she's a babe.) Phoebe wonders why Frenie isn't in the BoS. Frenie expositions that the only way to be rid of him is to take him up on the wishes. He admits that he can't grant "world peace," however. Phoebe notes the "fine print" and the limitations of his job. Frenie segues, "What about yours?" and points at her ankle. Shannen directs Alyssa to look down at the ankle, then helpfully provides a shot of Alyssa's bandaged foot. Because we'd all forgotten about that ankle, and might have gotten really confused. Whatever. Phoebe calls it an "occupational hazard." Frenie offers to make her "as powerful" as she wishes. Phoebe hesitates, then declines. Frenie, while making "you're loony" finger-loop gestures at the side of his head: "Not interested? Not interested in absolute power? You're a ROCKET SCIENTIST!" Phoebe does a double take. As does Owen. Um, SHOUT-OUT? I'm serious this time.
P3 After Dark. Oy. Piper is blathering to Leo about her need to "be honest" with Dan about Leo's identity. The hell? She doesn't owe him a goddamn thing. Besides, what happened to the Halliwells trying to keep their witchcraft secret? Piper didn't fill Dan in while they were dating; why would she want to come clean now, especially after he's wigged and become a completely untrustworthy loose cannon? Why, why, why? Leo, to his credit, wonders, "What more does he need to know?" Piper segues into her desire to know more about Leo. Where does he go when he orbs off? Does he "have a house, friends, a CD player"? If she'd also asked why he showers and where he gets his clothes and how it's possible that he can have sex, then we'd know that the writers are definitely reading posts in our forums. Piper tells Leo that she wants to "experience" his off-camera surroundings. Just then, Dan "Buff Don't Live Here Anymore" Gordon walks into the club like he owns the place, sees Piper with Leo, and freaks. Piper tells him not to leave; she wants to talk. Dan pouts and tells her that there's nothing to say, "it's her life." Word. My point exactly. LEAVE, Dan. But no, Piper asks Leo to make himself scarce so she can have some face time alone with her stalker. Whatever! Dan whines, "How can you be with this guy after everything I found out about him? He's a fraud!" Piper: "I know who he is; always have." Dan bitches that he wasted "all this time worrying about [her]." Piper: "It's very complicated." Dan: "Complicated . . . complicated." Greg Vaughan tries to look wounded as he milks one of his last lines of dialogue on this show. He thankfully heads towards the exit. Leo approaches Piper, and she quite wrongfully insists, "He's right. He deserves to know. What will I tell him? I wish there was somehow he could just get on with his life." Know what, Piper? He's a grown-up. "Moving on" is up to him. Drop it! Oh, did I mention that Frenie had misted into the background and overheard her wish about Dan? Because he did, and grants it by snapping his fingers.
Halliwell Manor. Attic. Phoebe's lonely synapse has finally kicked in, and she's decided to take a load off her ankle by sitting in an armchair while perusing the BoS. Frenie mists into the room. Phoebe informs Frenie that she's found out that the Ps can get rid of him if they get him back into his bottle. Then Pheebs allows him to massage her ankle, because this is the part of most every episode where the geeky, nether-worldly being flirts with her and she inexplicably flirts back. Since Frenie makes her moan and go all Herbal Essences, she softens towards him and wonders what his wish would be. He wants to be human. Gee, none of us saw that coming down the interstate while taking up all six lanes, now did we? Noting her hurt foot, Frenie suggests that she wish for an active, "real" power. Phoebe admits, "I would love an active power, but what can you do?" Frenie gleefully announces that she just made a wish. Um, NOT! I don't think that expressing a preference for something counts as willfully requesting that it become yours. WHATEVER! Frenie knows just where he can "steal" a power and give it to Pheebs. The dog collar around his neck disappears and he hollers, "I'M FREE!" He mists off. Phoebe, dumbfounded: "Then where's my power? Hello!"
Halliwell Manor. Out front. Piper's SUV pulls up. Dan is talking to a realtor in front of Gordon Manor. Piper walks over and asks him what's the big. He's accepted a job offer in Portland so he can "move on" with his life. Then he blows her off. Instead of being overjoyed, Piper tells Leo that she thinks "something's not right." Then Prue's BMW screeches to a halt to the SUV. Prue Teen, who's now sporting freckles, bangs, and braces (I'm surprised Wardrobe didn't add footie pajamas and a Barbie) emerges from the convertible. She greets Piper, and enthusiastically notes the "cool ride" the restaurant parking valet gave her. She spies Leo and asks, "Who's the cute boy?" Um, Brian Krause looks like he hasn't seen boyhood since Nixon left office, but -- heh. Instead, Prue Teen harshes on Piper for looking "kinda old." Before Piper's bitch can warm up, the three of them hear Phoebe wailing from inside the house.
Attic. Phoebe is waving her arms frantically while dangling near the ceiling on fishing line like a community-college-production Peter Pan. Piper and Leo gape. Prue Teen giggles.
So we should see Shanghai Noon because it's "funnier than Rush Hour"? Sorry, I've seen orphanage fires that were funnier than that flick.
Halliwell Manor. Attic. Leo helps Pheebs down to the floor. Prue Teen exclaims, "That is SO TOTALLY COOL! Do I get that power when I'm older, too?" The hell? The Halliwells allegedly didn't know about their supernatural gifts until two years ago when all of them were in their twenties. Whatever! Piper ignores this and tells PT that the docile Ps aren't old, just "older than you for some reason." Phoebe asks Prue Teen's age. Prue Teen: "Seventeen." Piper remembers that "Prue was a nightmare" at that age. Why would she wish for that? Leo, ever the fount of exposition, suggests that Prue probably wanted to obtain something she could only get by being that age. And that's why she has "no memory of being older." Which makes no sense considering her earlier comment in this scene, but again, whatever. Phoebe, exasperated at this development, starts flapping her arms around while gesticulating, and Leo has to hold her down on the ground. Heh. Then he brings up an important point: Since Prue Teen doesn't have her telekinesis yet, the other Halliwells are vulnerable now without the Power of Three. Prue Teen spies the BoS, deems it "totally bitchin'" and starts tearing through the pages. Piper tries to slap her hands away, as we get it -- Prue Teen is a brat. Funny how this season is coming full circle with this re-visitation by Jenny Gordon. I hope she's exorcised from Prue real soon.
Foyer. The Dragon Warlock storms in, demanding his "power of flight" back from Phoebe. Pheebs wonders what's the sitch. She and Piper head downstairs to investigate. Leo and Prue Teen follow. Prue Teen spies DW from the stairwell and shouts, "Oh my God! He's a HOTTIE!" Word. And hands off, girlie. Leo takes PT upstairs. DW breathes a stream of fire straight towards the docile Ps. Piper freezes him. They move out of the line of fire. Piper notes that they're unable to vanquish him. Phoebe suggests "flying him out" and "dumping" him. She flaps her arms and grabs him. Cut to outside the manor. The Flying Dunce, holding DW in one hand, zooms out of the manor. The fire breath unfreezes and scorches the wall. Piper moans at the damage, then looks concerned in the direction of Phoebe's vapor.
Sky. The Flying Dunce appears in front of the blue screen, holding Dragon Warlock in one of her fists. Whatever! I know he's a fire-breathing demon and all, but did you see those eyes? Hold him closer! The Flying Dunce zooms above a park and dumps DW in the brush. He get up and curses at her. Shannen forgot to have him shake his fist in fury. I bet that was cut due to running time.
Attic. Leo tells Piper, who's thumbing through the BoS, that Prue Teen is in her bedroom, "checking out clothes." Piper's found information on DW in the BoS. While she expositions, The Flying Dunce zooms past the window, calling out to them as they remain oblivious. The gag falls flat. Oh, why couldn't Phoebe also? Just then, Pheebs crashes through a window and skids in for a landing on a floor rug. Her hair has been ratted up to Jesus. She's found "landing" to be "a bitch." Piper asks Leo how they can "fix this." Pheebs tells them that they have to get Frenie back into his bottle. Leo wonders where to find him. Phoebe suggests that he went back to the café where Prue lunched, since it wouldn't make sense for him to show up on either the nightclub or manor sets, and Aaron Spelling's too cheap to have built another one for this ep.
Restaurant. Frenie is pigging out at the table. Piper and Leo accost him. Piper declares that she's "PISSED OFF!" because Frenie stole Phoebe's new power from the Dragon Warlock, and now he's gunning for the Halliwells. Frenie calls Piper a "killjoy" and suddenly disappears in a cloud of black smoke before he can be dragged back to the manor. Leo concludes that since "free genies have no powers," Frenie must have been summoned by someone else.
The Council. Frenie gets busted for going free and for stealing DW's power. That Council guy is still, ahem, stroking his -- titter, titter -- flesh-colored snake. Frenie channels Aspen Jack again and prattles about having a "master plan" that "Puff screwed up." The wishes caused Prue to lose her power. DW should go after her instead of the potent witches, since she's now vulnerable.
Halliwell Manor. Prue's room. Prue Teen is decked out in some of her older self's corporate hussywear from her Buckland's days: a tight black lace camisole tee, a gray mini slit up to her armpit, and cowboy boots. She finds a wad of cash in her billfold, grabs it, and climbs out the window to look for trouble.
Foyer. Phoebe's on the phone with Darryl "Sheriff Low Blow" Morris. He informs Pheebs that the deputy mayor's wife contacted the police with a sighting of the Flying Dunce. Hey, this sounds like the Gladys Crabitz type character this show really needs; can they add her to the cast and put her on camera season? Phoebe makes another smooshy-mouth face and jokes about flying "with a broomstick." Darryl: "This isn't funny." Word. Phoebe apologizes and promises she won't do it again. Unfortunately, I think she means flying and not attempting humor. Pheebs hangs up as Piper and Leo enter the manor. Phoebe complains that Prue Teen has been "a pain." Piper expositions to Leo that when Prue was that age, she rebelled against everything and fell in love with a guy who ultimately attacked her. Hmm, sound like anything you fell into this season, Piper? Before that issue can be explored, the doorbell rings.
Doorway. Piper answers it (natch). It's a guy in really bad old-man make-up. The guy blinks, shakes, and mumbles, "Why the hell is this happening to me?" As much as I despise Greg Vaughan, I find it especially cruel that the producers of this show took an actor who obviously can't act his way out of a paper bag and made him try to perform while wearing enough layers of latex to fill a Trojan warehouse. Just then, Phoebe runs up to Piper from upstairs to announce that Prue Teen has run away. Piper's realized the sitch with the old man, and tells Pheebs that it's Dan.
Car. Prue Teen's driving along, jamming to "I'll Stop the World and Melt with You," a song that Owen Teen also used to love before Burger King used it to shill Whoppers in a TV commercial. Suddenly, Dragon Warlock appears in her headlights. She brakes. He asks Prue Teen for a lift. Khan! He supposed to be MINE!
I used to think that failed comedians had to achieve a certain level of success before sliding down the ladder towards their own 1-800 commercial. Then I saw Alyssa as Eva Save-a-lot.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. The docile Ps worry about Prue Teen. Phoebe wonders if "cell phones existed ten years ago." Will PT know how to answer hers? The Flying Dunce offers to fly around town, trying to spot her. Piper says that would be impossible at night. Phoebe bitches that she still can't get a premonition when she wants to; that should have been her wish. Piper makes the conversation all about her, noting that "at least your wish didn't hurt someone." Phoebe tells Piper that Dan's sitch is not her fault. Piper whines that Dan "doesn't deserve this." Ugh. Whatever! If Dan had accepted the boot several eps ago like he should have, he wouldn't be applying for Medicaid now, would he? Shut up, Piper. Phoebe reiterates their need to "find the genie" and save Prue and Dan.
Car. Prue Teen and Dragon Warlock exchange pre-make-out banter. Is PT scared of him? PT isn't. DW does some bad-boy posturing about trying to "get back" what her sisters took from him. PT's cell phone rings. She bitches that she doesn't know how to turn it off. DW does so. They mack. PT reaches the point where NO means NO. DW suddenly sports red contact lenses and a synthesized growl. He queries, "Scared of me NOW?" PT shrieks and books out of the car. DW gets out, and Frenie appears behind him. DW expositions that PT will call her sisters to come and rescue her. It's a "perfect trap." French Stewart's expression either conveys the deep shame he feels for depositing Love Stinks on video shelves around the world, or reveals his character's moral uncertainty.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Groan. Piper apologizes to Old Dan and explains to him that he's been the victim of supernatural hijinx; the Halliwells are witches who fight demons and warlocks, and Leo is their guardian angel. She reaches over to hold his hand to comfort him. Dan takes about eighteen minutes to withdraw his hand from hers. Yeah, Greg, you see the writing on the wall. Kick and scream all you want, but it's straight to UPN for you. If you're lucky. ["Try Red Shoe Diaries. If he's lucky." -- Sars]
Prue's room. Phoebe picks up Prue's billfold and has a B&W premonition of the bottle/vase/urn thing rolling under the wicker loveseat in the sunroom.
Parlor. Phoebe tells Piper that she's had a premonition, but doesn't know what it means. The phone rings. It's a tearful Prue Teen. She expositions about the attack. Piper finds out that she's in Golden Gate Park and tells her to hide "under the bridge where Dad used to take us fishing" until they can fetch her. Piper and Pheebs put on their coats. Leo warns them that they're headed into "a trap." Pheebs says they have to go. Leo suggests that the Flying Dunce scope out the sitch from above. Piper tells Phoebe to hurry, because "it'll be light soon." Which explains why the shots are from a day shoot.
Park. Piper's SUV pulls up. The docile Ps step out into the bright, inexplicable, noonday sun. The Flying Dunce takes off. Shannen gives us a slow tracking shot of Piper searching for Prue Teen. Piper hears PT and turns to her in slo-mo. Prue Teen comes running towards her. I'm surprised Shannen didn't suggest a Brian De Palma-ish split screen here. Piper tells Prue Teen to go back, because Dragon Warlock is right to her. He grabs PT as Frenie grabs Piper from behind. Piper screams at DW to "let go of [her]!" DW pulls out a knife. Phoebe spots all this from the air. DW stabs PT in the back and drops her to the ground. Piper wails. Phoebe lands in a pile of leaves, calling out, "PRUE!" DW heads over to Phoebe to "get [his] power back." Piper freezes him. She and Phoebe run to Prue Teen's body. Phoebe bawls. Piper tells her to get the car. Frenie moans, "Oh god, what did I do?"
Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. The docile Ps lay Prue Teen out on the linoleum and insist that Leo try to heal her. He lays his glowing hands upon her, but fails, because he "can't heal the dead." Piper and Phoebe cry and cry.
Charmed Sundays lasted about as long as the first run of a Jennifer Aniston pic, no?
Halliwell Manor. Sunroom. Piper and Phoebe embrace and weep. Leo and Frenie enter. Phoebe bolts up, holding Kleenex in both hands, and screams, "WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?" Leo suggests that they "hear him out; he has an idea." Frenie apologizes for his actions. All he wanted was his freedom. Cut to Alyssa and Holly Marie, their eyes all puffy and red. Real acting here, folks. Good for them. And us. Phoebe: "GET TO THE POINT!" Frenie suggests that he voluntarily return to the bottle, invalidating all of the granted wishes. Phoebe: "EVEN PRUE?" Frenie believes that she might be resurrected, since it was Prue Teen who got killed. Piper wonders if this is another trick. Leo thinks the plan is worth a try, because the Halliwells need the Power of Three to vanquish DW. French Stewart makes a million different mugging expressions while trying to convince the sisters that they have "nothing to lose." Pheebs plucks the lid off of the bottle/vase/urn thing. Frenie claps his hands and mists himself inside. Phoebe puts a lid on him. Thank god some one finally did. Piper asks The Flying Dunce to try to take off. She raises her arms, but she's grounded for good. The docile Ps and Leo bolt out of the room. In the kitchen, Prue Teen's body morphs into adult Prue. In the parlor, Old Dan morphs back into greasy-haired, cretinous young Dan.
Leo and Piper see that Dan's young again. They run into the kitchen, where Phoebe is crying and rocking Prue's body; she's still dead. Um, excuse me, but WHY did Piper and Leo run towards Dan instead of Prue to see if the wishes were reversed? I assumed that they all were going to run to Prue, since she was DEAD and NOT DAN and all. Weird. They come up with a brainstorm: get Frenie back out of his bottle and receive three wishes again. Phoebe: "All we need is one." Piper runs into the sunroom to rub the bottle.
Sunroom. Just then, my boyfriend smashes through the stained-glass window and knocks the bottle out of Piper's hands. Piper's knocked out. The bottle rolls under the wicker loveseat. Phoebe runs into the room. Dan enters also. Dragon Warlock breathes fire at him. Dan runs out with his inbred tail between his legs. HA! Phoebe kick-boxes DW. Leo grabs her out of the way of the flame breath. DW is thrown against a wall. Leo wonders where the bottle went. Phoebe remembers her premonition and dives under the loveseat while Leo distracts DW. Pheebs jacks off the bottle. Frenie appears. Phoebe: "I wish Prue were alive." Since there's two wishes left, Owen adds, "And wearing a bra. And I'd like a Snickers ice-cream bar, while you're up." Frenie snaps his fingers. Phoebe tells Piper to go check on Prue. Yeah, lazy Phoebe, order around your groggy older sister who was just hit in the head. Whatever. DW asks Frenie "where the hell [he] came from." Frenie: "That's where you came from." Oy, this dialogue! Piper and Prue enter from the kitchen and start to save the day by blathering, The Power of Three will set us free, The Power of Three will set us free, repeated ad nauseam. Phoebe joins them. I know this chant is supposed to be mystically powerful and all, but I can't help but picture the Halliwell sisters skipping rope to it. Dragon Warlock tries to fly away, but he's vanquished into a fireball. Sniffle. The Ps realize there's no one around to thank them effusively (natch).
Gordon Manor. Piper walks up to the door, hoping that Dan will come over and thank them. Actually, he stands there in his wife-beater (no comment) and heavily oiled tresses and tells her that he "doesn't feel like talking." Woo hoo! Piper gets him to admit that he's reacting badly to the Halliwell family secret. He winces and whines that he "never imagined things like that ever existed." Then Greg shakes his head woefully for about seventeen minutes. Whatever. He tells Piper to go away, because he doesn't want to know anything more about her. Piper looks sad.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Debriefing session. Frenie tells the callous Ps and Leo that he was working for The Council. They're "scary dudes high up on the evil food chain." He believes they'll send someone else soon to go after the witches. Prue: "We're doing something right, getting their attention." Phoebe thinks that she's finally found the "cosmic order" she was blathering about earlier. Frenie reminds them that they have two wishes left since mine didn't take. Phoebe declares herself to be a "reformed wishaholic." She doesn't want any new powers. Prue notes that her power was the one that saved the day anyway. Phoebe Lesson-of-the-Days her need to "control it better." Which cues Prue to LotD: "And I need to concentrate on finding Mr. Right, not settling for . . . Dick." She grins like she said something especially witty. Everyone gets a tittering reaction shot.
Sidebar. Note what Prue just said, and everything we've seen during the last two seasons of this show. Now here's a quote from Shannen, taken from that recent EW interview again, when asked to explain what Charmed is all about: "It's a show about three very strong young women who aren't constantly looking for a man to fulfill their lives [emphasis added]." Shannen, honey, you're not going to win back the press by LYING TO THEM. Just a thought.
Anyway, since the callous Ps are through addressing their needs, we move on to Frenie. Prue makes a big point out of her gracious gesture to use one of the wishes to make him human. Piper enters the room and asks for the other remaining wish. She wants Dan "to have peace of mind about all of the horrible things that happened in the last few days. To truly move on with his life, without consequences." Yeah, I guess wishing Dan off the show is much better than my Snickers ice-cream bar request. Let's go with that one. Frenie makes both wishes so. As Frenie stumbles out of Halliwell Manor a free man, Piper goes out on the porch to see a "SOLD" sign on Gordon Manor. Dan is outside, fetching the paper. Piper waves at him. He reluctantly waves back at her. Thank god Greg's contract is up. Piper gets an assurance from the departing Frenie that there will be "no tricks" emanating from the granting of the wishes. Phew.
Foyer. Piper re-enters. The callous Ps, holding hands and sporting halter tops with interesting geometric designs, are standing there with Leo. He's suddenly paged by God. Piper tells him, "Not so fast." She wants to go with him, to learn more about him. She demands, "Take me to your leader," as they embrace and prepare to orb off together. Phoebe gapes and stutters out Piper's name. Piper assures the callous Ps that she'll be back. She and Leo blue-light out of there for the summer. Phoebe and Prue try to convince themselves not to worry, although, considering Piper's recent grousing about the witchcraft gig, any fears that Piper might spin off and stop taking care of them full-time would be perfectly reasonable. Then we see a shot of Prue TKing the door shut, just like she did at the end of the series pilot. Which I think is fitting, because this episode is another milestone, perhaps marking the official start of the Shannen-centric era on this show. This year, Shannen seems to have altered her character so much that she's no longer playing a separate entity called Prue anymore. I mean, think about it. Her outré second season wardrobe. The storyline where she took on tabloid reporting. And Prue quitting Buckland's Auction House to become a photographer, right around the time that Shannen suddenly expresses interest in directing. I'm just throwing that out there. We'll see if I'm right fall.
Have a great summer! As I said earlier, there will continue to be new Charmed content on the site during the break. If you haven't subscribed to the new mailing list since the old one got vanquished, please do so. And thank you SO MUCH for all of the support this year. End.