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Forever CANCELLED!

Forever Charmed - Stick a fork in it. It's done.

Demian

Kill Bimbo: Vol. 2

Kill Billie: Vol. 2 - In which the Manor dies a horrible death, rather than the titular Retard. Though, you know, they certainly won't be needing those sets again any time soon, because CANCELLED!

Demian

Frankly, You Morons, I Don't Give A Rat's Ass

Gone With The Witches - Because you and your Maggot Necks and your leprechauns and your Nefarious Demonic Plots For Retard Domination and your Ugly Rufus Wainwrights and your goddamned zombie fairy princesses and your goddamned zombie Triads have been CANCELLED!

Demian

The Three Stigmata Of Chrissssty Retard

The Jung And The Restless - Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty hurls the Manor Morons onto a dream plane, then sends her maggoty-necked retard of a sister after them to prove to the latter just how selfish the Glamorous Ladies really are. The bad news? It works. The good news? CANCELLED!

Demian

The Short And Unhappy Marriage Of Raige Matthews-Mitchell

The Torn Identity - Two weeks after tripping down the aisle with Darling Henry, Raige has capital-I Issues with the union that send her reeling into the arms of Stoop -- but not for any of the many, many reasons you or I would go reeling into Victor Webster's arms, because stuff like that only happens on other television shows. You know, ones that haven't been CANCELLED!

Demian

Li'l Orphan Retard

Generation Hex - Candor hires a couple of unvanquishable demonic freelancers to off Ma and Pa Retard, thereby earning for himself The Wrath Of Chrissssty. Meanwhile, Raige and Piper have no real subplot to speak of, while Stoop and the Feebs bungle their way through her monstrous dating history so she might learn to love again -- for the ninety-third time since this series began. CANCELLED!

Demian

Engaged And Confused

Engaged And Confused - Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and every day George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man. Sadly, Raige Matthews is no Martha Washington.

Demian

We Don't Need No Water, Let The Bimbo Retard Burn!

The Last Temptation Of Christy - And the Trademark Without Pity goes to the lovely and talented The Done One for the delightful lyric above that so succinctly captures audience reaction to Maggot Neck's too-close encounter with her sister's primary power this evening. Pity Raige and Phoebe had to intervene, isn't it?

Demian

Zodiac Killers

12 Angry Zen - And by the above, I refer not to this evening's dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell, but rather to the typewriting crackmonkeys responsible for this evening's choppy, sloppy, nonsensical, poorly thought out, and disjointed piece of crap. Will no one ever cancel this show? Woe unto us, Les Moonves!

Demian

The Freaky Importance of Scrying Hard for the Power of Three Non-Blondes

Repo Manor - And the Trademark Without Pity goes to The Done One, with a crucial assist from Solidify, for that rather succinct encapsulation of the previous episodes the typewriting crackmonkeys tossed into a blender to come up with tonight's script. Guess what? It wasn't as bad as anyone expected it to be. Guess why? Minimal Retard, and when she was on screen, she was getting her oddly proportioned ass handed to her by The Dark Demonic Ps. It's fun for the whole family!

Demian

Revenge of the Retard

Payback's A Witch - Every time a fan barfs, a Whitelighter gets her hands! In related news, Raige loooooves Henry.

Keckler

Retard Family Values

Mr. & Mrs. Witch - This week, the Manor Morons deal with the Retard's assassinating parents and learn that corporate America is evil. It's taken them eight years to realize that?

Keckler

Dolt, Be Not Proud

Vaya Con Leos - Because you're going to spend eternity as a massive, gargoyle-faced ice pop, you poor bastard. Damn you, Kern!

Demian

Piper Halliwell, Ph.D

Hulkus Pocus - Piper deploys her mad molecular biology skillz to concoct an antidote for a virus that's been ripping through the magical community. Of course, she does this in all of three seconds and off-screen, because this show sucks. Jesus.

Demian

It's Absurd! It's A Bane! It's Supertard!

Battle Of The Hexes - Tonight, the typewriting crackmonkeys rehash the primary plot of "Witches In Tights" for The Retarded Bimbo's benefit, and what I said three years ago about that episode holds true for this one as well: Next time, toss Julian McMahon into the spandex. Then maybe I'll pay attention. This stupid, stupid show.

Demian

The One Where Demian Loses His Mind. Again.

The Lost Picture Show - Believe it or not, the latest all-but-crippling bout of insanity has nothing to do with the Glamorous Idiots, The Retarded Bimbo, the return of Raige's natural father, or the indifferently scripted piece of garbage the typewriting crackmonkeys are calling an episode this evening. This time, it's all about The Krause.

Demian

The Phantom Of The Maggot Neck Is Here

Kill Billie: Vol. 1 - For all of about a half an hour, until The Retarded Bimbo vanquishes his embarrassingly clad ass. They're never, ever going to cancel this garbage, are they?

Demian

Rebitched

Rewitched - Hey, if they can repurpose old titles for the episodes, I can do the same for the recaps, right? The Manor Morons cast off their glamours to rejoin society as Capital-H Heroes for the Department of Homeland Security. No, I'm not kidding with that. And I'm also not kidding when I assure you that this one wasn't nearly as wretched as the last three or fo-- oh, the hell with it: This one was pretty crappy, too. "Hero"? In the so-called War On Terror? Phoebe? I want to die.

Demian

Desperate Crackmonkeys

Desperate Housewitches - The production's drastically reduced eighth-season budget has forced Brad Kern to yank all the party rock from his highly trained typewriting crackmonkeys' fun pipes. In the throes of severe withdrawal, they came up with this crap. Hey, do you have a better explanation?

Demian

Caged!

Run, Piper, Run - Will Piper come out a woman or a wildcat? That's the question on everyone's mind when Piper ends up in the slammer for a crime she didn't...oh, who am I trying to kid? That question is on no one's mind, because no one cares about this stupid show anymore.

Demian

Down The Bimbo-Hole

Malice In Wonderland - Twinkle, twinkle, Cooter Tat! How I wonder where you're at! Just above her cooch you fly! I shove daggers in my eyes! Twinkle, twinkle, Cooter Tat! How I wonder where you're...oh, screw it. Off with their heads!

Demian

Still Charmed And Sucking

Still Charmed & Kicking - Everything you expected it to be, and much, much less. The glamoured Glamorous Idiots get shunted aside so the evil Brad Kern can sling a 19-year-old retarded bimbo into bondage gear and parade her across the screen. It's too depressing for words.

Demian

And Something Bitchy This Way Goes

Something Wicca This Way Goes - For all of three and a half months, until it returns for a goddamned eighth season to inflict its seemingly neverending reign of bad writing and worse fashion sense upon the earth for at least another year. There is no justice in this world.

Demian

Tim Whoooooo? Inspector Whaaaaaa?

Death Becomes Them - That title's much funnier when you pretend you're Edna Garrett while you're reading it out loud. Trust me. Zankou slaughters, then zombifies a bunch of people near and dear to the Glamorous Ladies' hearts in order to weaken them to the point where he can snatch the Book of Shadows out of the nonexistent attic. Problem is, we've never seen any of these meat puppets before, ever, so please remind me: Why should we care?

Demian

Jesus Is Just Alright With Me

Imaginary Fiends - Mainly because they turned Mangy Jesus into Junior Dolt for this episode. Yes, the Glamorous Ladies manage to drag Mangy Jesus into the past from 2028. Ask me if I care. Go on. Ask.

Demian

"Your Phoebe's So Ugly..."

Freaky Phoebe - "...instead of putting the bungee cord on her ankle, they wrap it around her neck." If only. The Manor Morons battle a differently beautied dark demonic force who just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?

Demian

Suddenly Katya!

Little Box Of Horrors - Is torturing coeds! Suddenly coeds! Cringe in despair! Suddenly Katya is here to provide us with brisk condescension -- Katya's our friend! Until stupid Raige vanquishes her. Annoying!

Demian

Welcome To The Dolthouse

Scry Hard - An nefarious demonic attack leaves the Dolt with a gaping hole in his back fat, so the Psycho decides to trap both of his parents in a Manor-replica dollhouse up in the attic. Because he wants his father to bleed to death. And you still think that little freak is cute?

Demian

This/Sucks

The Seven Year Witch - And not even Julian McMahon's return to Charmed after two years on the far-superior Nip/Tuck can save it. No demons. No innocents. No Glamorous Lady in any real peril. No spells or potions or Gay Chris, either Tiny or Big. Just the Dolt, on an hour-long walkabout in the West Texas wilderness. I hate life.

Demian

And The Band Played On

Show Ghouls - Until they were all immolated in a horrific

Demian

Zane's World

Carpe Demon - Rejected alternate titles for this episode include The Zane Of Their Existence, Zane And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance, The Zane Mutiny, and The Legend Of Billy's Jeans. Billy Zane zooms into town, and Phoebe's panties may never be dry again. Damn you, Zane!

Demian

Is That All There Is To Utopia? Is That All There Is?

Charmageddon - This episode gets off to a start as rotten as I'm Not Candy's teeth, but they somehow manage to pull it together long enough in the second half to make this one of the best in a very long time. And in the end, Utopia's been reversed, the Avatars are gone for good, and Brody's a Whitelighter. Yeah, I know. That last bit does suck big bags of crap, doesn't it?

Demian

Something Better Change

Extreme Makeover: World Edition - And apparently what did change was the quality of the writing, the quality of the performances, and the quality of the special effects. They hit this one out of the park. No, I'm serious. Shockingly good.

Demian

Secretly INSANE Brody And The Warehouse Of Doom

Ordinary Witches - Raige drags her latest slampiece into the past to relive the single worst afternoon of his life, in all its gory detail. I think she likes him.

Demian

Witless Protection

Witchness Protection - The Glamorous Ladies try and fail to protect Charisma Carpenter from Oded Fehr's evil bee hands. Yawn. Wake me up when someone kills stupid Raige for her asinine behavior this evening.

Demian

There's Something About The Dolt

There's Something About Leo - And boy, is it sticky. Kidding! I kid because I

Demian

Farewell, My Liver

Charmed Noir - No, I didn't actually pull a Ray Milland and drink myself into a stupor during this one, but the temptation certainly was there. Raige and Li'l Bulging Brody get sucked into a pulpy, derivative detective novel concocted by a couple of those pesky Nit!wits, and hijinks ensue. It's better than it sounds. No, really.

Demian

Big Chris To Watch Over Me

Someone To Witch Over Me - The Pretty returns for five minutes of drug-induced flashbacks to previous episodes. The flashbacks are hideously boring, but man. The Pretty. In a red t-shirt. With ridiculously bright new sneakers. Sigh. We missed you, Big Gay Chris.

Demian

It's Just Another Menstrual Monday

Once In A Blue Moon - The Glamorous Ladies are inexplicably transformed into hellhounds when the second blue moon in one year coincides with their synchronized menstrual cycles. Kill me. Now.

Demian

If Death Doesn't Become Her, Will It At Least Shut Her Up?

Styx Feet Under - The "her" of course being a strident, annoying Piper. And then a blisteringly repugnant Raige. Unfortunately, the hag best suited for a shroud remains vital and yappy throughout. Stupid Phoebe ruins everything!

Demian

"Shiver Me Bitches!"

Charrrmed! - Yes, the parrot said, "Shiver me bitches!" No, I don't know how they got that one past the suits at the WB. But let me tell you, it was the only worthwhile moment in this evening's entire presentation. Arrr!

Demian

Wiccaning II: The, Um, Wiccaning, Actually

Cheaper By The Coven - Tiny Gay Chris spends most of the hour desperately seeking some much-needed attention from his neglectful family, but this one's all about the evil Psycho's supposed issues. Boring! Thank God for Grams, because otherwise? This one would have sucked ass.

Demian

Hag On A Nag

The Bare Witch Project - Piper risks a citation when she unleashes her right breast in public and, in a desperate attempt to keep the thing from bubbling over, sticks its business end in Tiny Gay Chris's agile little mouth at an outdoor café. Meanwhile, a charismatic Elder's threat to shut out all vagrant Nit!wits from Not!warts leads pensive Raige to ponder a career change that could carry some genuine risk, but she seems not to regret her decision when she finally swaps diaper duty at the Manor for more lofty pursuits at the school. In other news, the Head needles the Dolt atop the Golden Gate Bridge, and things get real quiet at Casa Demian -- a Sunday silence, if you will -- when the Feebs plants her decidedly bare and old rosebud upon a horse in a spectacular bid to out-skank guest innocent Lady Godiva as many in the resulting crowd chant their approval and foolish pleasure at Phoebe's latest assault on all that is decent and good. Needless to say, the whole thing made Demian want to go for gin. Feebs? Behave yourself in the future, you unbridled whore.

Demian

A Call To Many Crappy Arm-Like Digital Inserts Of Discontent

A Call To Arms - Featured in this crap-packed season premiere are Piper, the Dolt, Phoebe, Raige, the Psycho, Tiny Gay Chris, Barbas, the Doormat, Pepper Anderson, Stupid Uncle Phil, our intrepid Girl Editor, the Not!warts Nit!wits, a disembodied Head thingy, some random demon from way back in Season Five, and professional boyband fucktard Nick Lachey. With a cast that large, it's no wonder they had nothing left in the budget for decent effects.

Demian

Groundhog Slay

Deja Vu All Over Again - The Ps have to relive the same day over and over

Couch Baron

Once, Twice, Three Times A Ball-Buster

Which Prue Is It Anyway? - Prue's got a target on her back, so she casts a

Couch Baron

Get Down! Woogy Oogy Oogy!

Is There A Woogy In The House? - Yeah, that pun's bad, but it's no worse than the

Couch Baron

And On This Week's Bastardization Theater...

The Wendigo - Piper's attacked by a creature that's sort of like a

Couch Baron

The Passion Of The Chris, Part II

It's A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Part II - Big Gay Chris dies, and nothing else will ever matter again. Don't worry

Demian

The Passion Of The Chris, Part I

It's A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Part I - Phoebe and Raige head to The Bizarro World to rescue Big Gay Chris and

Demian

Biting the hand that snatches food from their mouths

Witch Wars - Krista Vernoff retreats from that Wonderfalls debacle to pen this hourlong

Demian

Schlong Day's Journey Into Raige

A Wrong Day's Journey Into Right - Don't look at me. The sickos on the forums came up with what you see above. And by the way, if they're going to reference that particular O'Neill play in an episode title, would it have killed them to saddle Piper with a morphine addition? I can just see her wandering through Not!warts with her wedding dress, babbling, "That was in the winter of senior year. Then in the spring something happened to me. Yes, I remember. I fell in love with a gargoyle-faced dolt and was so happy for a time!" It would be beautiful, man. Sniff.

Demian

Sex Is Like A Misdemeanor

Crimes And Witch-Demeanors - Da more you miss, da meaner you get. No, it has

Demian

Chris Of The Spider Woman

Spin City - Sooner or later you're certain to meet -- in

Demian

"Pointless Filler Episode Number 128"

Hyde School Reunion - Containing "Stock Character Number 32," "Stock

Demian

Sex And The Single Dolt

The Courtship Of Wyatt's Father - The Dolt quite literally nails Piper against a wall,

Demian

Let's Play Master And Servant

I Dream Of Phoebe - On second thought, let's not. A little too kinky,

Demian

The Headless, The Sweathogs, And America's Crotch

The Legend Of Sleepy Halliwell - And if that headline doesn't scare you away from

Demian

Mata Whori

Used Karma - And the Trademark Without Pity goes to xtremesage for this episode's

Demian

Eduardo Verástegui. Naked.

Prince Charmed - That's all you really need to know.

Demian

Hippie Bitches

Witchstock - The Glam Gals head to 1967 for no good reason

Demian

Big Gay Chris Went To 2026, And All I Got Was This Lousy Headache

Chris-Crossed - But I also got some spectacular Dolt abuse, so this

Demian

Little Monsters

Little Monsters - The Glamorous Ladies are flung into a tizzy of epic

Demian

The Madness Of Tiny Gay Chris

Sword And The City - The Manor Morons realize that Tiny Gay Chris is a

Demian

Soul Soporific

Soul Survivor - Raige frees a lawyer who sold his soul to Keith

Demian

Welcome To Fantathy Thithtern!

My Three Witches - Thimon from Go arrivezth in Than Franthithco

Demian

Never Was There A Tale Of More Woe!

Love's A Witch - Okay, so that's a complete lie, but if they're

Demian

Behold The Power Of Sleaze

The Power Of Three Blondes - The skanky Stillman sisters arrive on Prescott Street

Demian

Not Without My Done One

Forget Me...Not - Phoebe's stupid new power sparks an office-wide brawl, Raige helps a

Demian

SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part II)

Valhalley Of The Dolls, Part II - After the expected amounts of stupidity and angst, Phoebe and

Demian

SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part I)

Valhalley Of The Dolls, Part I - Piper's a moron, Raige is a dog-walker, Big Gay Chris

Demian

Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The Second)

Oh My Goddess, Part II - The Glamorous Goddesses, after much Dolt-related angst

Demian

Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)

Oh My Goddess, Part I - Mayhem erupts when a dimwitted dark demonic force

Demian

Men Suck

Necromancing The Stone - Grams thinks The Done One is terribly wrong, Raige learns that Slampiece

Demian

Touch my monkey.

Sense And Sense Ability - Crazy Grace sends Marcel from Outbreak after the

Demian

Nymrods Just Want Demian Dead

Nymphs Just Want To Have Fun - This show is killing me. Killing me! A trio of wood nymphs seeks the

Demian

Prat House

Cat House - The Dolt has Issues, so everyone suffers. Piper casts a personal gain

Demian

This Show Blows, And I Want To Die

Lucky Charmed - Eye-searing fashions, god-awful accents, and one very prominent cooter

Demian

Baby's First Sucky Episode

Baby's First Demon - After much demon-related mayhem, The Done One finally gets a name. Grace

Demian

The Day. The Maaaaaagic. Died.

The Day The Magic Died - I started singing, "So sad -- that poor, aging Ladd hag."

Demian

Sand Francisco Dreamin'

Sand Francisco Dreamin' - I kept waiting for this one to start sucking, and it

Demian

Many Happy Returns

House Call - A slothful Dolt, passable effects, a general sense of

Demian

Centennial Charmed

Centennial Charmed - The one-hundredth episode features a butch Dolt, an even butcher Piper, a

Demian

The Importance Of Being A Deranged Serial Killer

The Importance Of Being Phoebe - Because really, this one's all about Cole. Your favorite demonic boy toy

Demian

Y Tu Mammaries También

Y Tu Mummy También - Oh, pipe down. You know I had to do it, especially after Phoebe

Demian

You were expecting a Seuss joke here, weren't you?

Sam I Am - Sorry to disappoint. In this sturdy yet dull episode, Raige meets her

Demian

A witch in time...

A Witch In Time - ...does not save Ken Marino! Hooray! Gonzo The Chinless Wonder gets shot

Demian

Sympathy For The Literary Convention

Sympathy For The Demon - Billy Drago returns to pick up another check from Spelling Productions,

Demian

That Plot Hole Episode

That '70s Episode - And yet, despite the aforementioned plot holes and the mind-bending

Demian

Gypsies, Tramps, and Feebs

The Eyes Have It - How do we tell the difference? The Feebs is the only one who's still

Demian

Witches. Tights. Whatever.

Witches In Tights - Next time, toss Julian McMahon into the spandex. Then maybe I'll pay

Demian

Siren Song

Siren Song - Color me shocked, but this one was pretty good. The percolating infant switches around Mom and Dolt's powers to teach the bickering marrieds a lesson. Meanwhile, Cole chokes Phoebe to death. See? I told you it was good.

Demian

Crappily Ever After

Happily Ever After - Come on. You know I had to say it. The good news: Grams! The bad news:

Demian

Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Un)

A Witch's Tail, Part I - Not that I myself have ever had a mermaid salad sandwich on

Demian

Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Deux)

A Witch's Tail, Part II - No, I still haven't tried the mermaid paté. Why are you looking at me

Demian

"What's a zoo?"

The Witch Is Back - AAAAAAUUUUUUGH. A dizzy blonde with an impressive push-up bra pops into

Demian

Ow! Quit it. Ow! Quit it.

The Truth Is Out There And It Hurts - The Twinkle-Toed Tinkle Of Wacky Wiccan Hijinks invades Demian's

Demian

The Transspecies Bisexual Menace

The Fourth Sister - Phoebe gets in touch with her "alternative" side with the help of a

Demian

The Episode From Hell

The Wedding From Hell - Wow! Sucky!

Demian

Stars shining bright above you

Dream Sorcerer - Night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you, but I'm going to invade your

Demian

I screw dead people.

Dead Man Dating - Piper's predilection for the dearly departed finally manifests itself

Demian

Shape of...a smackdown!

Thank You For Not Morphing - Daddy Dearest Version 1.0 blows into town to "save" his "little girls"

Demian

Piper Halliwell graduates! Piper Halliwell graduates!

I've Got You Under My Skin - Not really, but she does cross the threshold of a church without bursting

Demian

Something Bitchy This Way Comes

Something Wicca This Way Comes - And it's in the form of the Original Glamorous Ladies of Halliwell Manor!

Demian

This is the way the season ends

Witch Way Now? - Not with a bang, but a baby.

Demian

Get Shortie

Womb Raider - And the TM Without Pity goes to tvjunkie for this episode's alternate

Demian

Long Live The (Drag) Queen

Long Live The Queen - What rough beast slouches towards San Francisco to be born? Beats the

Demian

In the Arms of the Phoebeast

We're Off To See The Wizard - And boy, are they hairy. Phoebe's evil. For some reason, this is news

Demian

Suck This

Bite Me - Bloodsucking! Breast implants! Sponge baths! Total Quality Management! Whizzing on a stick! All this -- plus Josephine Potter's Bantering Bandit -- tonight on Charmed!

Demian

Kicking The Crap Out Of Private Dolt

Saving Private Leo - Ah. The Brothers Mandylor. Not only are they quite fetching in their

Demian

Five More Reasons To Hate The Dolt

The Fifth Halliwheel - The Sole's been such a busy boy lately, what with finding a new job and

Demian

We'll have an old-fashioned wedding.

Marry-Go-Round - Or not. Phoebe finally gets to walk down the aisle, but her feet get

Demian

Phoeby! Phoebi! Phoebé!

The Three Faces Of Phoebe - Phoebe's past, present, and future selves gather at the Manor to paint

Demian

There's A New Source In Town

Charmed And Dangerous - Cole joins forces with yet another guest demon culled from the ranks of

Demian

You Lost Me

Lost And Bound - Piper takes an adolescent Firestarter under her wing when demonic bounty

Demian

Guineas and goombahs and wops, oh my!

Trial By Magic - The Italian-American Anti-Defamation League files suit as Kern & Co.

Demian

A Pain In My Ass

A Paige From The Past - Dear Charmed Writing Staff: Never again use the words "sucks,"

Demian

An episode that will live in infamy.

Muse To My Ears - Why, you ask? Far too much time devoted to the status of Phoebe and Cole's relationship, far too little time devoted to kicking demonic ass. Mind

Demian

Black as the Bitter, Bitter Heart Of Brad Kern

Black As Cole - The Colethazor's up to his neck in the sturm and the drang as the fiancée of one of his past victims confronts both him and the Ps once she realizes he is indeed responsible for the death of her late intended. Phoebe's flabbergasted, Piper pouts, and Raige reveals her Reaganite roots as the Glamorous Ladies deal with the Manor-shattering implications. Good thing the Dolt's on hand to offer a little light-hearted comic relief. Not.

Demian

Head Games

Brain Drain - The Source and Piper, baby / Head games -- And I can't take it anymore / Head

Demian

A Knight To Remember

A Knight To Remember - No, it's not the 1950s Titanic movie, though a

Demian

Size Matters

Size Matters - There's a size-queen joke lurking within this episode's title, but I'm

Demian

Enter The Stench

Enter The Demon - Of ass. For that is what this evening's presentation is. Ass.

Demian

Hell hath no fury like a Piper bitching.

Hell Hath No Fury - Piper's unresolved anger issues land her in hot water when a trio of

Demian

Charmed Again, Part The Second

Charmed Again, Part II - The Power of Three is restored as Piper, Phoebe, and Paige grow to

Demian

Charmed Again, Part The First

Charmed Again, Part I - Piper calls upon the spirits to resurrect the Power of Three. By this,

Demian

Shannen sings!

Friends 'Til The End - Need I say more? Yeah. Didn't think so.

Demian

All Hell Breaks Loose

All Hell Breaks Loose - Brad Kern provides the script as Shannen Doherty directs her very own

Demian

Look Who's Barking

Look Who's Barking - And bitching. And screaming. Of the three, only the first does not apply to me. A conveniently-appearing banshee -- who, mind you, has nothing to do with her Gaelic counterparts -- functions as this week's excuse for wacky Wiccan hijinks. Prue turns into a malamute, Phoebe turns into an extra in a Bonnie Tyler video, and Piper's left to pick up the pieces. Just walk away, Piper. After all, Shannen did.

Demian

Exit Strategery

Exit Strategy - Is Cole really good? Is the Pope the infallible temporal representative of the Holy Trinity on Earth? The second half of what I pray to be a mere two-episode story arc ends with Phoebe consumed by doubt and Cole all by his

Demian

The Demon Who Came In From Thzzzzzzzzzzz

The Demon Who Came In From The Cold - The sisters use their powers to prevent a corporate merger. If that sounds like fun to you, you need to tear up that MBA from the Thunderbird School of International Management and get out of the house more often. Yawn.

Demian

Sin Francisco

Sin Francisco - Wasn't that the Bay Area Tourist Board's slogan from last year?

Demian

PreBitched

PreWitched - Jennifer Rhodes works hard for her money, and even

Demian

Death Takes A Tango Lesson

Death Takes A Halliwell - On my last nerve. Phoebe, Cole, Piper, the Dolt, a couple of vampires, a

Demian

Somewhere, Sigmund Freud spins in his grave

Just Harried - Prue sorely tries the patience of all involved -- including your faithful

Demian

The Contrived, The Unrealistic, And The Overlong

The Good, The Bad And The Cursed - Daddy Dearest Victor Bennett inadvertently places the Power of Three at risk when he uses Phoebe as the canary in the coal mine to check out a

Demian

Something Borrowed, Something Prue

Bride And Gloom - Piper's plans for a normal wedding grind to a predictable halt when a virulent form of, well, virulence causes her to freak out on the wedding planners and actually make her fiancé, well, die. Meanwhile, Prue is apprehended by the Rogaine product-placement department's next before-and-after project, and discovers that she's only desirable as a prospective wife if she agrees to spend the whole marriage flat on her back. Cole returns just in time to contend with angry demons, angry witches, and an angry costume department who foisted the heinous specter of Phoebe's knitwear on a now-angry nation.

Djb

Wrestling with the Nielsens

Wrestling With Demons - In a ratings ploy, Charmed imports a trio of WCW lugnuts to combat the new Thursday installments of Survivor II and CSI on CBS. The ploy failed miserably, but the episode was entertaining nonetheless.

Demian

Blinded by the Dolt

Blinded By The Whitelighter - There's a warlock on the loose, and he's gunning for the Whitelighter Brigade. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe get a new guardian for this assignment, as The Powers That Be feel that the Dolt is letting his emotions cloud his judgment. Natalie is the new gal's name, and she's tough as nails, so of course the sisters immediately hate her with the blazing passion of a thousand suns. Will they overcome their differences to succeed in vanquishing the warlock before he destroys Heaven? I take it you don't watch this show very often. By the way, the Dolt gets a new nickname. I don't care if you hate me for it. The bastard deserves it.

Demian

We All Scream For Ice Cream

We All Scream For Ice Cream - Well, some of us. I'm screaming for this crap to end. The production staff makes me grateful I have no need to breed as it parades ten -- count 'em, ten -- preadolescent nightmares before my eyes in this Very Special child-centric Charmed. I've a newfound admiration for my parents. How they managed to stagger through forty years of child-rearing without smothering me and my seven siblings as we slept is beyond my powers of comprehension. By the way, Prue, Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt see some

Demian

Coyote Not-So-Ugly

Coyote Piper - Except for the clothes and the hair and the alchemist and Leo, but we should expect all of that by now. Piper gets possessed by the Essence of Slut, and thus has a far better time at her high-school reunion than she thought she would. The Pruevert returns with a vengeance and sets her sights on a younger man who drives a sporty red convertible. Phoebe spends far too much of my time pining for her much, much older man, who unfortunately does not make an appearance in this episode. And as for me? Well, let's just say Julian McMahon has distracted me from how much I really hate Brian Krause. Take McMahon out of the episode, and I'm free to let the rage seethe. Asshole.

Demian

FHM Hates Me

FHM Interview With Alyssa Milano - A tightly-bodiced Alyssa Milano chats with Bridget Freer of For Him

Demian

I want Cole in my stocking this year

Sleuthing With The Enemy - Many thanks to Laurie for the line above. Cole pleads "reformed" and

Demian

For Heterosexual Morons

FHM Interview With Shannen Doherty - I thought the recent puff pieces in the gay rags profiling Christopher Meloni and the cast of Showtime's forthcoming Queer as Folk stretched the limits of taste, what with Meloni being asked to reveal -- and revealing -- the "special part" of his anatomy in Out, and the boys from QaF quizzed on what ass tastes like in The Windy City Times. (Answer: "It tastes like ass.") Then I read the Shannen Doherty "interview" that accompanied her lingerie spread in For Him Magazine. Stereotypes exist for a reason, it seems: straight men really are more puerile than their gay counterparts when it comes to sex. And everything else.

Demian

Cole, Shirtless, Part The Second

Power Outage - In the second McMahonflesh sweeps episode, Cole hires a demon named Andras to help him destroy the Power of Three. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe get really honest with each other, then backpedal when they realize honesty is not in their best interests. Alyssa Milano looks better than she has any right to in black capri pants and a matching bustier, while the Andrews Sisters meet a nasty end down in Hell. Also, Julian McMahon takes his clothes off. Mmm.

Demian

Cole, Shirtless, Part The First

Primrose Empath - I have no idea if stripping Julian McMahon of his clothes is a ratings

Demian

Stalker? I Don't Even Know Her.

Sight Unseen - Piper and Phoebe stand impotently on the sidelines as Prue descends into stalker-induced paranoia. Darryl, meanwhile, limply meanders through this episode himself, his latex gloves his only friends. Cole proves quite a bit more virile -- if shady -- in his battle to rid himself of the new demon on the block. And let's just say that "impotent" and "Leo" can no longer be used next to each other in a sentence. Unfortunately.

Demian

I Have A Feeling We're Not In Toto Anymore, Kansas

All Halliwells' Eve - Cole dons a wig appropriate for the front man in a seventies hair band in order to cut the Halliwell line of witches off at its head. Speaking of head, Leo and Darryl bond over a couple of Grimlocks while the Prue, Piper, and Phoebe shuttle back in time to save a certain Halliwell foremother from the dastardly plans of the forces of evil.

Demian

Once Upon A Time

Once Upon A Time - Leo admits he's come to say goodbye, this time for good. The Powers That Be caught them red-handed trying to circumvent the rules, and Leo can never see Piper again. This episode just started, and I'm already bored.

Demian

Magic Hour

Magic Hour - Brooke and the owl share a tender moment. I can't believe I just typed that last sentence.

Demian

The Honeymoon's Over

The Honeymoon's Over - Seems there was a little misunderstanding between the abandoned Halliwell Ps over the division of responsibilities in middle sister Piper's absence. Phoebe expresses concern that Piper and Leo Wyatt might never return from Leo's Whitelighter land of orbed-off bliss, which Prue dismisses.

Demian

Episode Sneak Preview

Episode Sneak Preview - Owen goes all M:I2 at Spelling HQ.

Owen

Be Careful What You Witch For

Be Careful What You Witch For - Hell. Yes, we're literally in hell.

Owen

Apocalypse Not

Apocalypse Not - Piper explains that she's just "hanging out, spending non-magic time" with her sisters. Leo asks for a raincheck. Prue urges them to go out to dinner while the callous Ps go to the club to "keep an eye" on things. (Because "keeping an eye" is far removed from the act of "lifting a finger.") Piper expositions that she's hired a good assistant manager to do that.

Owen

Astral Monkey

Astral Monkey - NO ONE CARES WHERE DAN IS THIS EPISODE OR, FOR THAT MATTER, EVER.

Owen

Ex Libris

Ex Libris - Prue gives extra-quick exposition about No. magazine sending her out to "capture faces" in the city (an assignment that has BUSY WORK stamped all over it, in my opinion) so Prue went to "the Haight, " i.e. the Haight-Ashbury District, I suppose, to take photos.

Owen

Chick Flick

Chick Flick - Prue expositions some more about Dan being "the past" and how Piper's "future is in town tonight for dinner and a movie." Piper expositions some more about Leo and their wishes to be a normal couple. Owen returns from adding a forgotten fabric-softener sheet to the dryer.

Owen

How To Make A Quilt Out Of Americans

How To Make A Quilt Out Of Americans - A demon cloud that takes the form of the disembodied head of Michael Jackson (if only!) demands to know, "WHO SUMMONED ME?" The old ladies are humbled by Cheeto's presence. He wants to know what they want.

Owen

Murphy's Luck

Murphy's Luck - A St. Patrick's Day issue? What rag is this -- Highlights for Children? He expositions that Ms. Murphy is "the unluckiest woman in San Francisco. And she's Irish. Down the hall where they do the writing, they call that irony." (That's funny; down the hall at MBTV, the writers call that contrivance.)

Owen

Give Me A Sign

Give Me A Sign - Jessup (played by special guest star Antonio Sabato, Jr.), stands up, muscles rippling. He’s confused, because he thought his hearing was next week. Bane looks intently at them and realizes, "I’ve never seen you guys before." The guards enter his cell anyway, and the men strip down to form a Sabato sandwich. Oh, my bad. I only thought I was inadvertently watching a gay porn video.

Owen

Pardon My Past

Pardon My Past - Prue invites Pheebs downstairs for a study break. Phoebe can’t, because she has "too many phobias" -- to learn! Yuk yuk yuk. Not.

Owen

Animal Pragmatism

Animal Pragmatism - UC Berkeley? Could Phoebe have possibly been accepted? What college is this?

Owen

Awakened

Awakened - Piper believes that the club might be over the "occupancy limit" and starts throwing a little fit. We see a blurry POV shot of frat-boy two-stepping extras, and Piper collapses onto the floor.

Owen

Reckless Abandon

Reckless Abandon - Prue had no idea her sister could knit. Word -- where does Piper find the time to run a business and keep house for her sisters and date the next-door neighbor, in addition to maintaining a crystal meth lab in the basement to supply the energy to perform all of these tasks?

Owen

Heartbreak City

Heartbreak City - Ah, welcome to the great big eugenics experiment that is Aaron Spelling television programming. Only the white, straight and toothsome need apply.

Owen

Ms. Hellfire

Ms. Hellfire - Prue whines that she needs "another me" because she doesn’t even have time "to have fun anymore." I hear ya, sister.

Owen

P3 H2O

P3 H2O - Wow! Those Halliwells! They put the "We Can" back in Wiccan! They surely do!

Owen

They're Everywhere

They're Everywhere - This week our hopes that Dan and Jack turn out to be warlocks or rather, Man Witches (tm bluegirl) are dashed, the running time is padded by characters saying things twice saying things twice, and Piper starts to do Owen’s recapping for him.

Owen

That Old Black Magic

That Old Black Magic - Freud's eternal rest was disturbed once again this week, as the Halliwell girls are commissioned to teach a teenage boy how to use his -- ahem -- wand. And it's up to us to decide which is lamer -- the blatant Blair Witch Project parody/rip-off or the Dan-Piper-Leo love triangle.

Owen

She's A Man, Baby, A Man!

She's A Man, Baby, A Man! - Piper tells her to have sweet dreams, but not to kill anyone. Prue looks perplexed. Piper tells her not to ask. Word.

Owen

The Devil's Music

The Devil's Music - The Ps open their nightclub, where Jenny gets eaten by a demon. Woo hoo! But the Halliwells save her. Khan! Also, the band Dishwalla is relentlessly shilled for an hour. I'm not saying anything subliminal was going on, but after the episode aired I blacked out for two hours and woke up with both of their albums and the Pie Fucker soundtrack (tm Wing) in my hand. And my clothes were on backwards. Just kidding about that last part.

Owen

The Painted World

The Painted World - This week, Prue and Piper get trapped in an oil painting, a plot I enjoyed much more when it was released in theaters as The Witches. And Phoebe casts a spell that turns her magically from moron to plain idiot (tm tigerlily). How can we tell? There's about twenty percent less blithering.

Owen

Morality Bites

Morality Bites - I have to admit, grudgingly, that this was a pretty entertaining episode. The Halliwells travel ten years into the future where Phoebe’s a martyr, Piper’s a mommy, and Prue continues to be another kind of "mother."

Owen

Witch Trial

Witch Trial - A demon, who looks like a mini-Tim Curry devil from the flick Legend, appears, steals the book, and disappears. Prue holds up her hand to throw attitude, but stops. Piper asks what the hell that was. Phoebe wonders where the BoS is. Prue is nonplused. Piper bitches, "So much for being demon-free."

Owen