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By Owen

Halliwell Manor. Night. A party is coming to a close. Prue "Frederick’s of" Halliwell, clad in a backless brown suede boob-sling dress, shows some departing guests to the door. The extras thank her effusively (natch) for a "great party." Piper "Tie: Beaux" Halliwell, in a black tube cocktail dress, walks into the parlor while carrying a tray of coffee. Prue beams at her, because their fete is such a success, and thinks they "should do this more often." Whatever, Prue. Piper does this at her nightclub most every night of the week -- this is a busman’s holiday for her. Piper bitches at Prue that the party’s guest list should be "trimmed by one" and looks over at Leo "Dan’s Fever" Wyatt, who’s talking to Dan "If the Glove Fits" Gordon. Prue explains that when she went to get supplies at the club, Leo was there, so it would have been awkward not to invite him. Piper: "Doesn’t Leo feel awkward being around Dan?" Prue: "Doesn’t look that way to me." Cut to the guys, tightly gripping their -- ahem -- long-neck beers and chatting enthusiastically with each other. Prue expositions about Leo being mortal now and not knowing anybody. Hello, can we have a "Previously on Charmed" segment each week to get rid of these stilted explanations at the beginning of each ep? Oh, wait, that would mean that the writers would have to pay attention to continuity and actually create stories that arc throughout the season. Never mind. Piper’s still mad, but explains to Prue that she’s not angry with her sis, but "upset with the whole situation." Prue: "Doesn’t Leo accept that you and Dan are together?" Piper: "Of course." Prue then gets Piper’s goat by hinting that the guys are discussing Piper. The hard Ps titter, and Piper looks nervous. Just then, Phoebe "Freakin’ II: The Entity Boogaloo" Halliwell, in a kimono-type pajama top, appears on the stairs. She wails on her sisters to "give it a break -- it’s after midnight, and [she has] midterms tomorrow." Piper apologizes. Prue invites Pheebs downstairs for a study break. Phoebe can’t, because she has "too many phobias" -- to learn! Yuk yuk yuk. Not. She’s studying for a "psych" exam, and starts naming off terms: "claustrophobia, arachnophobia . . . phallus-phobia." I don’t even know if that’s a real condition, but I suspect it might be a real shout-out to my "Johnny Wad" recap. Prue quips weakly, "Relax-ophobia?" Phoebe beams and exclaims, "You!" as if her sister has said something exceptionally witty. The hard Ps agree to keep the noise down. Besides, the "party’s breaking up" anyway. Phoebe blows them kisses, thanks her sisters and heads back upstairs. Piper glances over at Dan and Leo.

Cut to the menfolk. Dan is quizzing Leo on his "favorite ballplayer." Leo answers, "Joe DiMaggio." Dan tells him that he meant Leo’s favorite ballplayer from childhood. Leo reiterates his choice of DiMaggio, then covers his gaffe by explaining that his "grandfather’s favorite" became his favorite. Dan believes that Leo doesn’t like talking about his past much. Leo doesn’t find it very interesting. Dan quizzes Leo about his stint in the army. When did Leo get discharged? Piper walks up to the guys, and Dan gloms onto her (natch). She wonders if they’ve been talking about her much. Dan: "Not at all." Piper gives Leo the stink-eye. Dan continues his interrogation about Leo’s army experience. Piper interrupts them to urge everyone to "look at the time."

Cut to Phoebe upstairs, studying. She’s sitting cross-legged on her bed, with her kimono bed jacket open. She hears "Party’s over!" from downstairs, and gripes, "Finally." She takes some chopsticks off of her head to let her hair down, and leans over her flashcards for a primo cleavage shot. Um, what’s up with the Far Eastern-themed study outfit you’re half-wearing, Phoebe? Become a real college student and graduate to sweat pants and an old t-shirt.

Halliwell Manor. Outside. Prue, walking bow-legged in her heels and Ann-Margarock dress, escorts some people down the walkway towards their cars.

Phoebe’s room. She hears music and party chatter start up again. Pheebs puts down her highlighter and gets her bitch on. She walks downstairs, whining that she "asked you guys to keep it down." She checks out the foyer and the parlor, but they’re empty. She can still hear Dixieland jazz and party chatter, though. Suddenly she’s thrown against a wall by an invisible force. Her kimono top is thrust open, revealing her lavender Vickie’s Secret bra, taut abs and pierced navel. We cut to an overhead shot for maximum bosom exposure. Phoebe gasps for air. Her bra strap is pushed down off her shoulder, and her boxers are forced up her thigh. Phoebe closes her eyes and slides down the wall to the floor. A lamp falls and breaks, alerting the hard Ps to come inside to investigate. Prue and Piper, with Dan in tow, run to Phoebe’s aid. She comes to. Is she all right? Phoebe "thinks so." Piper asks her what’s the big. Phoebe doesn’t know, but sure wants to fi