|
||||
So this is it, people. Six terrible episodes filled with skimpy swimsuits, desperate retooling, and production company-floated sex tapes, and still, nothing. I understand that Manimal will be remembered more in the annals of television than this show. Hell, Fox�s Babes will. But still, I like to think that these six hatred-filled recaps have at least contributed to a few people�s work week, even if the show itself couldn�t. At least I�d like to think so. Anyway, let�s make it quick.
So yet again we get basically the same opening as the first five weeks, but slightly different: A woman�s voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Niki Taylor driving her Mazda Miata with a cell phone in one hand and a crack pipe in the other. The woman: �The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility.� Rock and roll! Shots that look like leftover footage from Blind Date! Oops, it�s made by the same shitty production company. And you know the rest. This week we get a lawyer named John, who looks a bit like George Clooney�s slightly lispy, shorter, non-actor cousin. Man, the UPN is such a fucking ghetto network. I actually have to check to see if the cable is attached to make sure I�m really watching television and not just some shadow puppet show my cat is putting on.
So John has four girls picked for him, representing things he likes -- and from the shots we get, it looks like that�s painting, rollerblading, lying out on the grass, and standing. John tells us that find a girl who�s a �keeper� in L.A. is a challenge. Whatever -- finding a girl in L.A. who can spell �keeper� is a challenge.
A girl walks down the stairs as John tells us that sex is important. The blonde, who�s face looks a bit like a jack-o-lantern, and who I suspect has also gone under the knife as often as one, tells us that she hasn�t been having sex much. She is Natalie. She�s �Sweet and Sensual� and her quote is, �I may look innocent, but watch out.� Okay, I will. She says she�s from a small town and is sometimes too nice. She walks shaking her hips at us by way of demonstrating how nice she is. She says she likes a guy with a squeezable butt. High standards, this country girl.
John gets into the short bus and listens to poems from the four girls this week. Oh man, this should be good. The first poem: �Strong desire. Sleek physique. Eyes bright in the night. Escape me.� I�m totally plagiarizing that shit and sending it to the Paris Review. If poetry was only that accessible when I was in school, I might have paid more attention.
New girl. She says she likes to win. John tells us that �a bit� of intelligence is good. Just a bit, though. Wouldn�t want anyone who could beat you at the New York Times crossword puzzle now, would you. The girl says that being �worldly� is important, and we hear she has a really crappy accent. Oh, she�s from New Zealand. Well, there you go. She breaks her back, she tries to stick her A-cups out so far, and we learn that her name is Kim and she�s a �Cultured Kiwi.� Her quote: �Men can�t resist my accent.� Yeah, can�t resist closing their eyes and pretending they�re fucking Nicole Kidman when they�re with you. She tells us that she�ll use her looks to get her stuff -- uh, okay -- and that her man has to be �sarcastically witty.� Ooh! Ooh! Kim! Over here! At the house, Kim and Natalie check out each other�s titties.
Short bus. Poem. A growling prance. A high pehrcing song. The dance of a black pantha. Wow, Kims accent sucks.
New girl. She plays something with one hand on the piano, holding a teddy bear with the other. Run now, John. She tells us she doesnt know what the guy will look like, so shes just going to play it cool. John tells us, A date whos really gorgeous and really funny is totally fine. Uh, maybe John shouldnt insist the girl be that smart after all. The girl says shes fun, outgoing, but pretty whacked. Hey, just like Big Pussy. Speaking of Big Pussy, the tall girl is named Danielle, and shes a Poised Painter. Boo. Terrible, this writing staff. Her quote: Im a great kisser. That says it all. What does that say? That you give good head? She says she gets along better with men than women and doesnt know why women hate her, and then she pets her pussy (a cat) while she says that shes been called a big flirt even towards women but its just being her tee hee! Yeah, I have no idea why other women despise you. The three girls shake hands.
Short bus. Poem. Im soft and furry and I love to run free. Look deep in my eyes you will love what you see. John doesnt.
New girl. Wow. Okay, its an Asian girl with huge fake titties dressed like a call girl. John says he likes ethnic girls. She says shes Asian and stands out. Shes Jeannie and is an Exotic Perfectionist. Her quote is, Im the best. Who wouldnt want that? Well, at least this week they didnt make anyone say they are the whole package. I was going to kick my TV off its stand if someone said that. Jeannie would like her guy to be financially secure; its one less thing to worry about. Looks like the last guy she dated paid for her to have two less things to worry about. She says that she hates when guys expect her to put out. Yes. Im sure. Jeannie arrives, and the three other girls all give her the stink-eye.
Outside on a deck, the four girls talk about the weather as John shows up on balcony above. This time he makes the girls come up to him, which is funny, and introductions are made.
Distant bell. Ritual room. Chaining ceremony. MM, having gotten no smoother at all at reading her cue cards over the run of the show, gives the rules again. Locksmith. I hope hes washed those gloves and overcoat. John picks Danielle and Natalies poems as the slightly less god-awful of the four and they are chained at Johns sides. Chaining montage. Chaining montage. Slo-mo shots. Time for a nap already.
<A HREF="story.cgi?show=66&story=1724 <!--END: //-1 -->
The kids explore the house in chains. Jeannie almost topples over from the weight of her titties. John babbles about how its going to be interesting being chained and whatever. Who cares. Someone says they can take baths. MM mentions sooner than earlier -- I guess people have been writing, wondering when they poo -- that the kids will all have private bathroom time throughout the day. The kids quickly get in the short bus and head out -- to go do something stupid, Im sure.
Short bus. John asks what their last boyfriends nickname for them was. Natalie says, Bitch, and everyone cracks up like its 1964 and Don Rickles is playing the Flamingo. They all walk into a brewery, and John suddenly sounds just like Alan Thicke, which I find quite disconcerting for a variety of reasons.
Shots of people staring. Its still not funny, but at least theres no dog this time. John busts out with papers and he explains that the girls were all shown tape on six girls (including these four) and made to write their thoughts on them, and now hes going to read what they wrote. Ooh, saucy. Kim said that Natalie is not too sexy but is competition. Jeannie is too made-up and not sexy. She calls her hard. No, talk about her in general, not just the texture of her breasts. Danielle complimented Kim and loved the accent. Hate her. The Music Of Imminent Dissing comes as John reads that Kim said Danielle has too much make-up and isnt any competition. Natalies thoughts now. She liked Danielle and thought she was competition. Natalie said that Jeannie is blah. Jeannie in turn was nice to everyone. Jeannie looks like shes going to cry as John reads that Jeannie didnt think anyone should judge others. Jeannie then tells us that she brushed it off, but really it was a slap in the face. A slap in the face -- wow, Im impressed she still has any feeling left there after all the work it looks like shes had done.
Sweet commercials. Come to meoh, over already. You were wonderful. Ill miss you. Return soon.
Bar. John babbles to us and says that the three other girls lost points in dissing Jeannie. What? They were just asked to give their honestoh shut up, John. I know it works for you acting like the above-it-all camp counselor, but taking away girls right to be catty is like taking away an L.A. model-slash-whatevers right to get her boobs done. So now Jeannie talks, slutting that shes all choked up and always gets shit from other girls. Now the ever-so Courteney-Cox-looking Danielle says, I said in the interview when I watched the tape that Jeannie wasnt competition becauseshes Oriental, for one! Goddamn! This show keeps gettingokay, well, it always sucks, but they occasionally bust out with a keeper line like that one. What a dumb shit, that Danielle. Anyway, John says that he senses cattiness, which makes it fun for him. Good man.