So this is it, people. Six terrible episodes filled with skimpy swimsuits, desperate retooling, and production company-floated sex tapes, and still, nothing. I understand that Manimal will be remembered more in the annals of television than this show. Hell, Fox’s Babes will. But still, I like to think that these six hatred-filled recaps have at least contributed to a few people’s work week, even if the show itself couldn’t. At least I’d like to think so. Anyway, let’s make it quick.
So yet again we get basically the same opening as the first five weeks, but slightly different: A woman’s voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Niki Taylor driving her Mazda Miata with a cell phone in one hand and a crack pipe in the other. The woman: “The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility.” Rock and roll! Shots that look like leftover footage from Blind Date! Oops, it’s made by the same shitty production company. And you know the rest. This week we get a lawyer named John, who looks a bit like George Clooney’s slightly lispy, shorter, non-actor cousin. Man, the UPN is such a fucking ghetto network. I actually have to check to see if the cable is attached to make sure I’m really watching television and not just some shadow puppet show my cat is putting on.
So John has four girls picked for him, representing things he likes -- and from the shots we get, it looks like that’s painting, rollerblading, lying out on the grass, and standing. John tells us that find a girl who’s a “keeper” in L.A. is a challenge. Whatever -- finding a girl in L.A. who can spell “keeper” is a challenge.
A girl walks down the stairs as John tells us that sex is important. The blonde, who’s face looks a bit like a jack-o-lantern, and who I suspect has also gone under the knife as often as one, tells us that she hasn’t been having sex much. She is Natalie. She’s “Sweet and Sensual” and her quote is, “I may look innocent, but watch out.” Okay, I will. She says she’s from a small town and is sometimes too nice. She walks shaking her hips at us by way of demonstrating how nice she is. She says she likes a guy with a squeezable butt. High standards, this country girl.
John gets into the short bus and listens to poems from the four girls this week. Oh man, this should be good. The first poem: “Strong desire. Sleek physique. Eyes bright in the night. Escape me.” I’m totally plagiarizing that shit and sending it to the Paris Review. If poetry was only that accessible when I was in school, I might have paid more attention.
New girl. She says she likes to win. John tells us that “a bit” of intelligence is good. Just a bit, though. Wouldn’t want anyone who could beat you at the New York Times crossword puzzle now, would you. The girl says that being “worldly” is important, and we hear she has a really crappy accent. Oh, she’s from New Zealand. Well, there you go. She breaks her back, she tries to stick her A-cups out so far, and we learn that her name is Kim and she’s a “Cultured Kiwi.” Her quote: “Men can’t resist my accent.” Yeah, can’t resist closing their eyes and pretending they’re fucking Nicole Kidman when they’re with you. She tells us that she’ll use her looks to get her stuff -- uh, okay -- and that her man has to be “sarcastically witty.” Ooh! Ooh! Kim! Over here! At the house, Kim and Natalie check out each other’s titties.
Short bus. Poem. “A growling prance. A high pehrcing song. The dance of a black pantha.” Wow, Kim’s accent sucks.
New girl. She plays something with one hand on the piano, holding a teddy bear with the other. Run now, John. She tells us she doesn’t know what the guy will look like, so she’s just going to play it cool. John tells us, “A date who’s really gorgeous and really funny is totally fine.” Uh, maybe John shouldn’t insist the girl be that smart after all. The girl says she’s fun, outgoing, but pretty “whacked.” Hey, just like Big Pussy. Speaking of Big Pussy, the tall girl is named Danielle, and she’s a “Poised Painter.” Boo. Terrible, this writing staff. Her quote: “I’m a great kisser. That says it all.” What does that say? That you give good head? She says she gets along better with men than women and doesn’t know why women hate her, and then she pets her pussy (a cat) while she says that she’s been called a big flirt even towards women but it’s just being her tee hee! Yeah, I have no idea why other women despise you. The three girls shake hands.
Short bus. Poem. “I’m soft and furry and I love to run free. Look deep in my eyes you will love what you see.” John doesn’t.
New girl. Wow. Okay, it’s an Asian girl with huge fake titties dressed like a call girl. John says he likes ethnic girls. She says she’s Asian and stands out. She’s Jeannie and is an “Exotic Perfectionist.” Her quote is, “I’m the best. Who wouldn’t want that?” Well, at least this week they didn’t make anyone say they are the “whole package.” I was going to kick my TV off its stand if someone said that. Jeannie would like her guy to be financially secure; it’s “one less thing to worry about.” Looks like the last guy she dated paid for her to have two less things to worry about. She says that she hates when guys expect her to put out. Yes. I’m sure. Jeannie arrives, and the three other girls all give her the stink-eye.
Outside on a deck, the four girls talk about the weather as John shows up on balcony above. This time he makes the girls come up to him, which is funny, and introductions are made.
Distant bell. Ritual room. Chaining ceremony. MM, having gotten no smoother at all at reading her cue cards over the run of the show, gives the rules again. Locksmith. I hope he’s washed those gloves and overcoat. John picks Danielle and Natalie’s poems as the slightly less god-awful of the four and they are chained at John’s sides. Chaining montage. Chaining montage. Slo-mo shots. Time for a nap already.
The kids explore the house in chains. Jeannie almost topples over from the weight of her titties. John babbles about how it’s going to be interesting being chained and whatever. Who cares. Someone says they can take baths. MM mentions sooner than earlier -- I guess people have been writing, wondering when they poo -- that the kids will all have private bathroom time throughout the day. The kids quickly get in the short bus and head out -- to go do something stupid, I’m sure.
Short bus. John asks what their last boyfriend’s nickname for them was. Natalie says, “Bitch,” and everyone cracks up like it’s 1964 and Don Rickles is playing the Flamingo. They all walk into a brewery, and John suddenly sounds just like Alan Thicke, which I find quite disconcerting for a variety of reasons.
Shots of people staring. It’s still not funny, but at least there’s no dog this time. John busts out with papers and he explains that the girls were all shown tape on six girls (including these four) and made to write their thoughts on them, and now he’s going to read what they wrote. Ooh, saucy. Kim said that Natalie is not too sexy but is competition. Jeannie is too made-up and not sexy. She calls her “hard.” No, talk about her in general, not just the texture of her breasts. Danielle complimented Kim and loved the accent. Hate her. The Music Of Imminent Dissing comes as John reads that Kim said Danielle has too much make-up and isn’t any competition. Natalie’s thoughts now. She liked Danielle and thought she was competition. Natalie said that Jeannie is “blah.” Jeannie in turn was nice to everyone. Jeannie looks like she’s going to cry as John reads that Jeannie didn’t think anyone should judge others. Jeannie then tells us that she brushed it off, but really it was a “slap in the face.” A slap in the face -- wow, I’m impressed she still has any feeling left there after all the work it looks like she’s had done.
Sweet commercials. Come to me…oh, over already. You were wonderful. I’ll miss you. Return soon.
Bar. John babbles to us and says that the three other girls lost points in dissing Jeannie. What? They were just asked to give their honest…oh shut up, John. I know it works for you acting like the above-it-all camp counselor, but taking away girls’ right to be catty is like taking away an L.A. model-slash-whatever’s right to get her boobs done. So now Jeannie talks, slutting that she’s all choked up and always gets shit from other girls. Now the ever-so Courteney-Cox-looking Danielle says, “I said in the interview when I watched the tape that Jeannie wasn’t competition because…she’s Oriental, for one!” Goddamn! This show keeps getting…okay, well, it always sucks, but they occasionally bust out with a keeper line like that one. What a dumb shit, that Danielle. Anyway, John says that he senses cattiness, which makes it fun for him. Good man.
Kitchen. Now the kids make pizza; Natalie, half of her face looking paralyzed when she talks, says that John has a “scruffy cuteness.” Danielle then says she’d date John in real life. The kids drink wine as Kim tells us that she likes John. Now the talking continues, as the kids all say that good dancers and good kissers make good lovers. Danielle starts to steal focus, the other girls say, as she tells John what a bad kiss is. Jeannie says something, and Danielle says something back. John laughs. Danielle says her friend is a good kisser, and then says something about the brother rubbing her leg, and then she grabs her hair and says, “My only threesome.” That was a good story; tell that one again. Ha, John says, “That’s a good story.” Funny. Danielle doesn’t get it and goes on about good kissers being good in bed and vice versa. Danielle is on massive amounts of coke, people. Kim then says something, but I don’t care. Same with Natalie. They’re dissing Danielle, that’s all. The kids all toast and lie, “Friends.” Yes, fast friends.
Dinner. John says Kim is his favorite because she’s hanging back and playing it cool. Kim then tells us she’s not going to push herself on John, but she’ll have fun. Whatever, I just know what’s coming up…
Aw, yeah. The girls (plus John) walk to the hot tub in their bathing suits. Chains of Love’s consistently finest moment. Well, except when there are four guys. I mean, you know what I mean. John sees someone’s tattoo, and man, are Jeannie’s titties fake! She shows us a tattoo on her butt. Natalie then shows a tattoo on her pussy. Yeah, “innocent,” my labia. Kim shows us her ass crack. John then asks the girls if they’ve been naked in front of strangers. (Read: “Are any of you strippers or whores?”) Natalie answers that she’s been naked one time at a strip club when she got up and got naked. Jeannie looks appalled. Yeah, but just because she knows a great place where Natalie could actually get paid to do that, and the tips are great if you work the right shifts. They’ll talk later. John says, “I respect that.” Yeah, so do I, John. So do I. NostraNatalie whores something about her and Danielle being the most John’s type. Dude, my mom has no idea what my type is. How can someone who’s known someone for six hours make that kind of call? John then asks Danielle what the bitchiest thing she’s ever done is. She can’t think of anything, and giggles madly as she tells us just that. John then tells us that he had a hard time swallowing that she couldn’t remember a bitchy moment. Danielle almost shorts out the overhead production lights and kills them all as she flips her wet hair around. Wow, that would have been a shame. John then asks Kim something about what, if anything, turns Kim on about him. They joke about his big biceps, and Kim responds something that sounds like his “quirky demeanor,” but she might have been reciting her social security number for all I can make out with that stupid accent. It’s totally fake, you know. Yeah, I read it somewhere. Kim predicts that it’s anyone’s game.
Jeannie then answers that she cries all the time and that she did today when she got her ass shit-talked. John says he knew she cried, all aggressive. Natalie hugs Jeannie as John tells us that Jeannie has some front that she likes to show people, which he’s trying to work around. Jeannie then sluts that people don’t like her and judge her based on appearance, but she has no idea why. Um, I’ll give you two hints. Look. Down. There you go. Jeannie then says she's a perfectionist, which doesn’t seem to have anything to do with this conversation, and then tells us that she feels like she doesn’t belong here. Now Jeannie is crying, and The Music Of John’s Repressed Laughter plays as she tarts something about talking shit personally. Danielle smiles at us and says that she thinks Jeannie is “emotionally unstable.” We see that Natalie is now crying in sympathy, and Natalie says they have a connection, and John now says the girls found Jeannie “too made-up,” and John then says the hot tub was powerful. Now everyone toasts and drinks.
Now, on a couch, John says the girls frighten him. Suddenly Natalie is making out with John, and he tells us such. John says the girls are bonding together and that’s “healthy.” Thank you, Dr. John. Danielle then tells us she’d cut Jeannie because she brings down the group. Natalie would cut Jeannie as well. Oh yeah, major connection between those two. Kim would also cut Jeannie, and we see Jeannie falling asleep at the foot of the couch, her tongue hanging actually out of her mouth. Man, that’s funny. Then Jeannie, seeming insanely drunk, her speech about as clear as Kirk Douglas, tells us that she thinks when the Locksmith comes she’ll be let go first.
Bedroom. The kids get in bed after brushing their teeth, as John tells us that he felt a good “connection” after the hot tub, and now I hate him for also contributing to that word now having no meaning whatsoever left after this stupid series. John is having a good time, and the kids turn off the lights and the infrared fast-motion cam doesn’t show any surreptitious blowjobs, so I fast forward.
Morning. Cello. Locksmith. He walks upstairs. The kids stir in bed. The Locksmith enters the room in slo-mo, holding the alarm clock. Hee. This show, man. Now they’re just totally fucking around. The kids do some acting. John’s no better than people were. Locksmith. House. Guitar! Commercials. Fucking show.
MM voice-overs that someone is getting cut and will get money, and we get a montage of the four girls and the first day like it’s something worth seeing again. Now the kids stand, and John says the person he’s booting is “creative” but has been manipulative and aggressive. He’s booting Danielle. She’s unchained. Then he gives her five hundred dollars. He tells her that she can take the money and join a dating service. Ooh, diss. Danielle shuts her eyes in anger as John continues that she can also buy some booze and get drunk. What? Danielle gives a tight smile and walks away.
As Danielle gets into the short bus, John says Danielle would take control if she stayed, and Danielle tells us that the other girls should watch out for John because his words are “vicious.” John tries a neck-wiggle, which doesn’t work for him at all, while he says that he was glad to get rid of her because she was “ruining everything.” Danielle then weeps, now looking Patricia Arquette-ish, and she talks, making no grammatical sense, saying that she didn’t talk over the other girls and she has no idea why other women call her a bitch. Um, maybe because you’re a bitch? “I’m extremely nice,” pouts Danielle. She’s gone. Smell you later.
House. The kids eat breakfast and babble about Danielle’s leaving. Whatever. John shuts up during this. He tells us that Kim is now being more active during conversation.
Short bus. John asks the girls if a guy they just started dating bought them tons of shit, would they be okay with it. Everyone thinks that would be fine with them. Jeannie loves the money, you can tell. She told us as much already. John then tells us he was disappointed that all the girls seemed materialistic. No! Materialistic women in L.A.! Wise up, John. You ain’t in wherever anymore.
Fishing boat. The kids go on a three-hour tour. John says he likes Kim the best right now. He also justifies, saying he kept Jeannie (big titties) because yesterday they uncovered (big titties) a lot of depth (big titties), and she’s more interesting to him (big titties) right now. He says an edited-to-shit sentence about how now it’s about who he’s more “conversant” with, as opposed to “kissy-kissy.” On the boat, he gives the girls a pop quiz. Oh, this should be good. The quiz is lifted shamefully straight from one they give strippers and Tori Spelling on The Howard Stern Show, but that’s UPN. Stealing = good. He asks the “Which is heavier, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks” question. Natalie says, “Bricks.” Hee. “Sorry,” says Natalie. No one knows the vice president. The girls keep fucking up. Man. No one knows who wrote War and Peace or how many months have twenty-eight days (all of them). God, I don’t want to say these women are stupid, but -- these women are fucking stupid. I wouldn’t trust them to do the TV Guide crossword with a pen, I’ll tell you that much. Jeannie barely wins. John says the girls all missed questions “that you would want to know.” Kim says, “I only got four. Oops. Woo-woo. Call me dumb.” Okay, you’re dumb.
Jeannie then gets seasick as the kids fish. She pukes in the bathroom. John says that at least she made it to the toilet, but it took her away for a critical time. She revives and does some fishing. Natalie catches a fish. Then we see a boat coming. It’s the Locksmith, standing at the front all “I’m the fat of the world!” “Uh-oh,” says John, thankfully not even trying this time. Commercials. Bye Jeannie.
We’re back, and as the Locksmith approaches on his boat, I see a graphic on the corner of my screen that says, “2 Hour Series Finale. Wednesday.” I freak the fuck out until I rewind and discover it’s for Star Trek: Voyager. Man, I was going to have to hurt someone for a minute there.
So kids stand on the deck and John talks, saying the person he’s booting and he never connected and is too materialistic. It’s Jeannie. He gives her seven hundred and fifty dollars to buy a lifetime supply of seasickness pills. Okay. John has to realize how totally unfunny that was. Maybe you should stick to lawyering, brother. Jeannie takes off on a boat with the Locksmith, and between his bulk and her boobies, the boat immediately sinks to the bottom of the ocean.
The ghost of the Locksmith and Jeannie walk to the short bus now, Jeannie saying that if there’s no chemistry, there just isn’t. John tells us she’s “hardcore materialistic.” Jeannie in turn tell us she doesn’t know where he gets that; then she asks the Locksmith if he owns this jeep or if it’s the show’s. She says she didn’t click with anyone, and disappears down the road. So long.
House. Night. Hot tub. John asks Natalie if she likes getting spanked. She says yes, and that sometimes she likes a “smack on the ass.” John then says, “Come on, sisters. Let’s kick it up.” Natalie then bends over, and he and Kim spank her very poorly. I know you guys are chained, but bad technique, people. Really. John then tool-overs that Natalie is not so sweet and innocent. Uh, did the pussy tattoo tell you nothing, John? Natalie then tells us that when she drinks too much, she gets too aggressive, and she doesn’t want John to think she’s a freak. We see her drink a lot, and then John pretty much cuts her off, saying they’re ready for bed.
The kids brush their teeth and Kim tells us he wants both girls. John then makes an “apple and oranges” analogy and says that he doesn’t know who he should pick. They go to sleep. Fast-motion infrared cam. John’s ass is on Natalie, but that’s about it.
Morning. Natalie says they slept close together but she doesn’t know why. John says he likes Natalie, but Kim’s approach is interesting to him. Kim then says that she’d decline if John wanted a relationship (Blair Witch noise!) and that she’s just playing to win.
They eat breakfast, and MM comes out onto the balcony, and they all try not to laugh as she recites her lines like a zombie about the two upcoming dates and the long chain the third will be on and blah blah blah out-of-workcakes.
John and Kim date first. John says he’s still wondering if he’s going to ever see a vibe between them. Kim’s date is a “Romantic Picnic” and “Paddle Boats.” They boat first, and John tells Kim about a romantic date he had. Kim tells us she’s “reeling him in” like a fish. Natalie says that Kim is “huge competition” for her as they all walk along the lake, Kim saying something about John being a “bad boy.” I don’t even think John is listening anymore. Kim says they are having fun on their date. Lie. It’s time for the picnic, and they sit and eat and have terrible conversation. They feed each other, and then Kim asks about their energy, and John lies that it’s good. Kim looks about as excited as if she cutting her toenails as John says he likes her the best. They kiss. John says the kiss was good. I’ve seen porn stars on heroin fake attraction better. Kim then tells us that it was a like a “kiss between friends,” and Natalie says that she thinks if he had to choose right now, he’d pick Kim, so her date tonight is important, and as we slide into commercials I realize I’ve become numb to this show and it could go on now for the rest of the year and I’d feel nothing and why did it take me until this last one for this to happen? I just hope it sticks around until Road Rules starts. Really. I’m going to need help for that one. Oh, and Temptation Island II. Lord almighty.
We’re back. John says there was more “connecting” going on with Kim. Shut up. We’re at the house, and John and Natalie sit down for “Intimate Dinner” and “Sensual Desserts.” Natalie now slut-overs that her strategy will just be good conversation (touch him under the table) and to flirt a little (blowjob) and see how he takes it (let him come in her hair). Natalie says she felt lonely during the other date. Then John is saying he wants kids someday, and Natalie says, “Exactly.” Wow, they’re so on the same page! Kim again tells us she’s just playing John. Natalie’s eyes are vacant and scary as she says she left room for dessert. She then tells us that if John wants to get more physical, she’s fine with it. Yeah, no fucking kidding.
In a candlelit room, John and Natalie suck stuff off each other’s fingers and there is a blindfold and they dip fruit in stuff and kiss a lot and it’s all sorta gross. John hurts Natalie by tying the blindfold too tight. Man, it’s funny. Then John tells us that if Natalie gets too aggressive, it might be a turn-off. Yeah. Try selling that bridge to someone else, pal. Kim sulks in a corner during all this. They head off to do body shots and Kim puts her head in her hands and as John and Natalie kiss, here comes the massive Locksmith. John mouths, “Shit,” as he buttons his pants. Ew. I don’t know what that was about, but we didn’t get to see it. John does some acting but again doesn’t try too hard. Thank you, John.
Final judgment. John gives them each ten seconds. Natalie drones in a dead voice that she should stay because they can take a hot tub under the full moon. Kim then says, “The reason why I should be the one to stay is plain and simple: I’m the one.” She smiles, as if she has a chance. John then says that he likes the booted person, but never really connected romantically. John tries to all fake them out but picks Kim. Natalie smiles impishly. Kim is unchained. John gives Kim one thousand dollars for acting lessons, because she never had John convinced that she had a real interest in him. Okay, that’s pretty funny. Even Kim kinda laughs. Meanwhile, however, Natalie gives a “Huh?” look. Don’t worry, honey. Everything will be explained someday. Kim leaves with the big guy. Natalie and John hug and kiss and talk and laugh.
John then tells us that he doesn’t know for sure that it was a game with Kim, but that’s what his gut “totally” tells him. Short bus. Kim says that she knew right away that she didn’t like John, and she goes on that she thinks she deserved more money. Ah. Yeah, no you didn’t, lady. “For the length of time that I was actually with him, I thought it was cheap.” Does she realize that is exactly what hookers say across this country every day? Oh yeah, she’s a Kiwi! I guess not. She goes on that John is a “smart cookie” and she thinks he could be playing Natalie. And then she’s gone. Bye, mate!
House. John, with Natalie in his lap, is babbling about him and Natalie having more similar backgrounds that the others, and then Natalie says she knew there was a connection from the beginning. John agrees. They say shit about no matter how much Gucci someone wears and what their accent sounds like, you don’t want to hang out with them, and suddenly it’s as if John is, like, talking to Janeane Garofalo instead of, no offense, but, uh, Natalie. They drink wine and kiss on the side of the mouth.
Pool. Now they get into the pool, and Natalie has her top off as they slide in. Yeah. Stripped once. John starts talking out of his ass to us, saying that Natalie is sweet and has a “curiosity about life.” Oh, c’mon, John. Life is short. Don’t waste our time. Just say, “I want very much to touch her pussy.” It’s easy and freeing, the truth. They kiss in the pool as Natalie says she would date John. They kiss more, and John says something about not being able to say no to her.
Bedroom. They get in bed, and they both keep voice-overing about liking the other, and then it’s night and we get the always-priceless pillow-talk:
Natalie: What a great date…
John: It did get cut short.
Natalie: That’s good in a way…we can spend the evening kissing…I’m happy you’re here…
John: You’re a great kisser.
One of the greatest romances of our time. John and Natalie. I weep through the commercials, certain I’ll never know a love like theirs.
Morning. The alarm. They brush their teeth. Natalie again says she feels a connection. They pack as MM voice-overs about if John wants to pursue a blah blah bloo. They eat breakfast, and John voice-overs about the erotic nature of last night. Natalie says John showed his sexual side. I’m hungry and have to go shopping soon. I also need to pay rent and I have to call Mom. And man, that plant doesn’t look like it’s doing so well. I really should water it. Oh, sorry. I got distracted. Right. Chains of Love. Very well, then.
Distant bell. Ritual room. My cat licks me, thanking me very very much that this is the last one. I inform her that soon there will be another show, and she bites me on the head and runs into the closet to sulk. Natalie and John meet MM and John unchains them, saying, “Don’t know if I want to do this.” I do. You do. John talks now, saying that the last four days have been fun and they connected physically, but basically he’s looking for someone “further along” and with whom he connects with more on an “intellectual level.” Diss, diss, and diss. Natalie just keeps nodding and saying, “Mm-hm.” John says he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with her. He then gives her three thousand dollars because he likes her more than the other girls combined, and also because if she was just playing the game, she deserves it. Natalie could save face and make it look like she was, but she continues to pout. Aw. MM boots the bitch, and she leaves.
Natalie then says she was surprised and upset to get jilted. She gets into the short bus. John tells us that Natalie is wonderful and “sweet,” but not in the same place as him in life. Natalie says they had a great date and connected and she continues to delude herself, saying that if John knew she was into him, maybe he would have answered differently. Oh, that is “sweet.” She thinks John may have just been in it for the game. No! Perish the thought. John then lies, saying he hopes she understands and that it was not a game for him. Dude, she’s gone. You can lay off the bullshit now. You’re among friends.
The Locksmith stands on a cliff overlooking the ocean, wondering if he’ll ever work in this town again and thinking that maybe he can get into a Wilson-Phillips cover band as The Graphic Of Who Cares reads, “Days later, John invited Natalie over to apologize for cutting her loose. He apologized, they fooled around and he cut her loose again.” The card they leave off is, “You can now catch her dancing at Crazy Girls on La Brea and Sunset every weeknight from 8 PM 'til 2 AM."
And it’s over. Forgive me if I don’t stick around and shed a tear. I’m not a magician for godsakes.
Until terrible show, people. Later!