So UPN just announced their fall line-up and, shocker, Chains of Love will not be back. Let’s all give a collective "thank you" to the programming gods.
Episode Five. Only one more after this. Man, that’s some cool shit. I mean, yes, this is still going to be a terrible few hours, but the notion that it’s almost over is enough to make me not stick my arm in the fan. But there’s this: I was all excited today to buy three new albums that just came out -- Weezer, REM, and Tool -- and listen to those tonight, but then I remembered Chains of Love was on and I figured, “Of course. Of fucking course Chains would ruin one of the most exciting rock music release dates for me in recent history.” Thanks a lot, Chains. Just for that, you’re grounded. This is going to be the shortest recap yet, I swear. I hope. I…I’ll try.
So yet again we get basically the same opening as the first three weeks, but slightly different: A woman’s voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Robert Blake driving his Toyota pick up with a .45 in one hand and Gary Busey’s phone number in the other. The woman: “Beautiful California. A place of romantic dreams and adventure.” Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, it’s made by the same shitty production company…you know what? I’m not going to do this again. Remember, Chains is being punished. So fuck the opening. It’s the same anyway. All you need to know is that this week a college student named Jenny -- who looks a little bit like, well, she looks like this porn star who’s name I don’t remember…not that I watch porn or anything -- she’ll be chained to four dipshits. They’ll live in the house. They’ve picked four guys for her. This show hurts so much that I’m now eating Skittles like Matthew Perry eats Vicodin.
Jenny says that she’s funny or “at least” entertaining. She plays the guitar. There is really nothing more annoying than someone who plays the guitar and isn’t actually in a very good band. I think if anyone wants to play the guitar, great, but don’t make me listen to how you figured out the opening to “Tonight, Tonight.” If I wanted to hear that song I’d put the CD on, okay? Thanks. Jenny says that she likes hot guys, and she’s not going to “go out and look for someone unattractive just for the sake of it, you know?” Wow. That’s…I guess you have to admire someone for being so honest and open about their shallow nature. You’ll always have that, Jenny.
So a guy walks into the courtyard and he talks, and his voice sounds like gravel rubbing against gravel. Jack Klugman has more resonance to his voice than this guy. Jenny then tells us that she’s “Latin,” so she needs her guys to be “manly.” If one more person calls themselves “Latin” on this show, I’m going to personally hunt down Jennifer Lopez and make her watch all six episodes on loop until she renounces her culture forever. Anyway, the guy. He sucks. His name is Kristian (what a name) and he’s a “Tough Guy.” His quote: “I am the total package.” Okay, they’re so just making these “quotes” up, because about seven people have said they’re the total package so far. Have any of you ever referred to yourself as a total package? “Total tool,” I understand. “Look totally gay in that hat,” I can buy, but “total package”? Anyway. He goes on to say that his ideal night is to “kick back by a keg, or something.” I’m not making this up. He says that he likes to fight, and we see him in the rain, smoking a cigarette all glumly. Enough not to make me ever want to smoke ever again, this guy. Lady smoking through the hole in her neck, fine. But Kristian sulking over a Kool, no way. So he walks into the house and says it’s cool.
Meanwhile, Jenny rides in the short bus and looks at self-portraits the guys have all drawn of themselves. The first guy is “homeboyish.”
A slightly dorkier guy with thick eyebrows walks into the house holding flowers. He says he’s going to just be himself and be nice to the other guys. Jenny says she wants her man to be a gentleman. Adam is a “Hopeless Romantic.” His quote: “I know how to make a woman feel special.” Adam holds a soccer ball on a field and frowns very hard at the camera. Somehow the words “hopeless” and “special” seem quite appropriate to him right now. He says that, because he went to Duke, that means he must be smart. One of his huge eyebrows raises so high on this line that I think it’s going to fly off his head and start circling the lamp. He insinuates that he’s never had a girlfriend. He sees Kristian, and they sniff each other.
Jenny looks at a drawing where the guy has his hand over his face.
A member of Color Me Badd walks into the house, dripping hair gel on his gold chain, cut-off shirt, and unfinished bicep tattoos. The guy says he’s playing to win, but not lose. Jenny says a good dancer is fun. We see him dance. He’s not a good dancer. His name is Slim and he is “Mister Flash.” The quote: “I care about my looks and it shows.” Sure, he’s about seven years to late for his look, but I’m sure he does care very very much. Too bad no one else does. He tells us that “they call me Slim” and he says that he’s a “goofball, a cheeseball.” We see him fall off a raft in a pool. So funny. I’m hooked. Give this guy a sitcom. Actually, for the UPN, that wouldn’t be falling much lower than their current programming. He says he can make us laugh and that he’s crazy. Slim meets the other two guys.
Jenny has “no clue” about the guy who made some weird stick-figure family tree picture.
A guy walks in the house. Blond spiky hair and a really weirdly-cut beard. He says that he’s going to have to charm the girl with his personality because he doesn’t have a six-pack stomach. Hee. He looks a bit like a skinnier Danny Bonaduce. Jenny says she likes someone who is “mellow” and “tame.” She should date Christopher Reeve because, aside from the dancing thing, he’s pretty much what she’s looking for. The guy says he’s laid-back and happy to let the girl make dinner reservations. His name is Chris and he’s a “Laid Back Dude.” His quote: “My sense of humor always wins them over.” Except, you know, when it doesn’t. Like tonight. He says he’s always cheated on his girlfriend and likes to party, but he feels like he’s matured. We see him working on a computer, which denotes maturity, you know. Like now, I’m writing on a laptop and I’m very mature. All stoic with my cat and my Skittles and my Diet Coke. So mature that today all I’ve done is eat candy and Taco Bell, take a nap, and spend two hours at a toy store. That’s mature, people. Oh, the show. Chris meets the other guys out by the pool.
In the short bus, Jenny looks at Chris’s picture, calling him a “pretty boy” with spiky hair and an earring. Yeah, okay, sister.
The guys. They babble. Jenny shows up. They greet her. She comes down, and they all meet inside. She laughs at Slim’s name and then takes Adam’s flowers.
Distant Bell. Ritual room. MM whores in and explain the rules. I, however, refuse. Jenny then picks Kristian and Adam’s pictures, so they’re chained closest to Jenny. Chaining montage. MM reads the rest of her lines and wishes them luck. Slim scowls. Jenny laughs in slo-mo. I cry soft tears that no one sees.
The group “explores” the house, and Jenny voice-overs that she’s never been chained to four guys before. Why do they let their people say such stupid shit and then air it? I don’t understand. The kids all get food, as in every show, and sit down outside to eat.
Slim makes a toast -- everyone drinks, while Jenny toasts with an apple. Slim says “no falling down” three times because he’s such a cut-up, but no one laughs at his crazy-funny line. My cat laughs, but that’s only because I’m home alone on a Tuesday night. Even she has a date.
The kids sit down in front of TVs, and MM slut-overs that they had the boys all show up and fill out paperwork at the offices and planted Jenny’s “attractive” friend Helen to meet the boys. She’s now going to give part of her first impressions. Everyone smiles or cringes. Helen reads her lines stiffly as she talks about Slim, saying that he’s sweet and is the quiet one of the bunch, but he’s too cheesy and too concerned with his looks. Ya think? Everyone laughs. Kristian, she says, is cute and funny, but “[she’s] not sure if [she] was laughing with him or at him.” Diss. She also says he’s stupid and would say anything to get in a woman’s pants. Helen thinks Chris is mean and never faithful; he’s been with four women at one time. How does Helen know all this? Then again, Chris seems like the kind of person who would announce that he’s been in a fivesome to pretty much the whole world. Helen says that Adam is the perfect guy for Jenny, but was really rude to her on the phone. She says he’s a jerk. Helen will be back later to say more. Jenny says over and over how “cute” Helen is and then tells us that Adam was upset that he was called a jerk. In a very cut-up sound bite, Jenny tells us that the last person she wants to be chained to is a jerk. Well, shut up, because the last thing I want to be doing right now is watching this show, and I’m not complaining. Oh, yeah, I actually am. Ooh, commercials. Good touch, UPN. Adds a lot to the show, I think.
Oh, Star Trek Voyager is ending. How sad. (Psst -- what’s Star Trek Voyager?)
Jenny tells us that Kristian has “a cute little face.” She says that Adam is sweet and is the most mature one in the bunch. So that means he won’t get picked, basically. She says that Chris has been wild in his past, and that’s all she says. Slim “means well.” Yikes. Jenny has razor-like powers of deduction, doesn’t she.
We again see Helen talking to the kids on TV, and then Jenny busts in that Helen got a “first impression” of the guys, but Jenny will get to know them a lot better. How much you want to bet that, in the past, Jenny has made out with at least one of Helen’s boyfriends without her knowing it? A dollar? You’re on.
So the kids eat, and Kristian makes the awesome joke of asking Slim if he’s ever been called Slim Shady. Man, that’s some wit. Emma Thompson’s got nothing on this dude. Slim then goes on, saying that he used to be fat. Jenny yells, “Oh, you’re one of those.” Man, that’s cold. But, yeah, he is one of those. What’s more than compensating? Oh yeah, "overcompensating." That’s right. Jenny then asks Slim if he’s ever dated “fat girls.” Slim lies, saying yes, that he treats everyone the same. He wins the Esme Award from the Plus Sized Modelling Community by saying, “I’ve met a lot of big girls who are just the sweetest people.” Goddamn, this show. And then Jenny, with a straight face, busts in all serious like she’s Oprah instructing us all to remember our spirits, “because they’re just normal people!” Man alive. Adam just eats his food, wisely shutting his mouth. Kristian then asks Slim what is sweet about fat people, and is it their personalities? And then Slim calls Kristian a “gerbil.” I’m on overload right now, everyone. There is just too much to be mad about and make fun of going on right now that I’m just going to have to move on. Kristian then tells us that when he first met Slim, there was “tension.” Oh, seriously, stop feeding me jokes, guys. Slim tells Kristian that it’s lucky they’re not near each other and, when Kristian asks what would happen, Slim says, “I might have to kiss you, pretty boy.” Slim tells us that Kristian was starting to irritate him, and then for some reason says that if Kristian can’t stand the heat he should blah blah blah incorrectly-used-sayings-cakes. Kristian then croaks to Slim, “I want to rip your voice-box out, man.” Slim tells him not to get defensive. Jenny tells everyone to chill. Adam just laughs. My cat claws her way through my new couch and curls up in the dark center where sound can’t reach her. Chris stares. He looks like a cartoon of himself. He then tells us that he’s just sitting back and letting the boys bury themselves because he doesn’t think Jenny is looking for that. Yeah, keep dreaming, Danny B. Jenny then tells us that she doesn’t know how to react when boys try to act “macho” and “superior.” I don’t know how to react when girls on TV act “air-headed.”
Short bus. Everyone rides somewhere. Ooh, they stop at my favorite coffee joint, which doesn’t deserve a free plug today because they fucked up my latte this morning. Staring. Staring. People stare. They keep showing a shot of a dog staring into the camera. First rule of comedy: constantly cut to a funny dog staring into the camera. Man, that’s some good TV right there. Everyone drinks coffee, and Jenny gives the boys paper and tells them to write a paragraph on their first impressions of her, and then their first impressions of one of the other boys.
Kristian tells us his first impression of Jenny was, “Whoa, she’s really hot.” A wordsmith on this show, as usual. Chris, not sounding convinced, says that Jenny is a “pretty girl.” See, already cushioning the blow for when he gets booted. Adam says that Jenny was exactly what he was hoping for, and Slim says that Jenny has a nice smile. Kristian then groans that Slim is “a freak of nature,” staring over his clipboard at Slim with something other than disdain in his eye. Dog again. Ha. Heh. Hee. I hate that dog.
Short bus. Kristian tells Slim that he comes across as a macho dude and asks if he has “anything to back it up.” Slim, still the scared fat kid under the layer of tattoos, earrings, and hair gel, says that he doesn’t like to fight. Jenny asks him, and Kristian says that he doesn’t mind throwing down. Slim then asks all sad, “What does that have to do with anything,” and Adam pats him on the shoulder. Adam then tells us that it’s interesting to watch “those guys butt horns.” Is “butt horns” correct? Never mind. Even if Adam is a moron, he looks like a fucking tenured Oxford professor to these nitwits.
House. The kids get drinks in the kitchen and then Jenny, trying to start shit, tells the boys to arm wrestle. Only Kristian and Slim do it. Kristian wins really quickly with his left arm. Slim stares, the fat kid inside starting to cry. He asks to use their other hands while Jenny jumps up and down with glee. I don’t see Chris. Adam just laughs. Kristian goes insane, pumping his arms and yelling, “Feel the power!” Oh, there’s Chris. Hiding. I don’t blame him. Both Slim and Kristian wear gold chains. Man, I used to wear those, but then I turned thirteen. I’m not kidding. Kristian continues flexing and Slim says, “C’mon Sid Vicious,” which is just about the most retarded reference he could have made, but hey, he’s Slim. Give him a break. The boys do tequila shots, Slim doing two, and Jenny yells, “Oh this is too much!” and Chris tells us that he was just waiting for Slim’s switch to flip and for him to go nuts. Kristian totally cheats by using his whole body, but Slim wins easily. Unable to go out a loser, Kristian -- and here it gets so stupid it just has to be fake -- suggests they grab hands and play “Mercy.” They do, pushing each other. Kristian backs Slim up to the oven and he’s forced to say “mercy.” Slim then whines to us, saying that he shouldn’t have had to say “mercy,” that he said “ow.” He goes on that if you get a rush out of someone else being in pain, then you are not right in the head. Kristian takes a drink and stares at nothing with his cold black eyes and yeah, I don’t think he is right in the head. But at least he’s entertaining me. At least I haven’t stabbed myself in the eye with my cordless phone yet. That’s something.
Sunset. Then night. The Music Of My Throbbing Earache plays as the kids sit down to dinner and toast getting to know each other. Jenny announces that they had the boys’ handwriting analyzed, and she’s going to read what the quack said. This show. Sucking hard. Adam, she reads, is highly creative and has a caring heart. Adam then says that he’s learned not to be afraid of showing emotion. Jenny then tells Slim, “You’re going to fry your brain with all the thinking you’re doing.” Yeah: “Should I put ketchup on my salad, or mustard? What to do? What to do?” Jenny starts reading, telling Slim that he had a hard childhood and has had to learn to rely on himself and that he has a façade. Slim tears up and talks and then starts to cry and then says he’s shaking. Slim tells us that everything the paper said was true and that it makes him “sick” that those four people learned that much about him. Kristian then tells us that Slim was about to cry “like some sort of baby or something.” Hee. He continues, “I mean, get over it.” Man, that’s funny shit.
The kids now get into the hot tub, and Jenny yells that it feels good. Slim shakes his ass, dancing. Adam says he wanted to run away from Slim’s ass-shaking but part of the strategy was to play along. Slim climbs on top of Adam and bumps his cock into Adam’s face. Lord. More dancing. Kristian then gets up and mocks Slim’s dancing, but badly. Adam dances reluctantly, and then Slim tries to make Chris dance, but he laughs to us, saying he didn’t want to. These people. Jenny says that Chris needs someone to take him out of his shell. No, please don’t bother.
Now Jenny reads what the boys wrote about her. Adam says shit about her smile and humble nature. Slim then grabs Kristian’s paper and mockingly reads what Kristian said about Jenny; Kristian is just worried about Slim reading what he said about Slim. Jenny then reads it: Kristian calls Slim a “deadbeat” and then says that with the tattooed arms and “gay contacts” he would bet that Slim would rather be chained to four guys. Man, that’s funny. Slim looks very mad. Jenny is all, “No he di’n’t!” Slim then tells us that he wanted to drown Kristian. Jenny then tells us that she felt bad, but her impressions of people have changed; Adam is still in the lead. Adam then tells us that he wants Jenny to be “wined and dined,” and now even he is starting to piss me off with his earnest crap.
Bedroom. Jenny again tells us that she’s never been chained up to four guys before, and that they all started sweet but their true natures are starting to come out. Darkness. Fast-motion infrared cam. Kristian is curled up on Jenny. Slim keeps curling up to Adam. I’m not kidding. Man, I need a cigarette, and a nap, and a new show, in that order.
Ah, sweet comm-- No! No commercials! Ah, this is where we’re supposed to get commercials! I fucking hate you, show.
Morning. They wake up. Brush teeth. MM voice-overs that they get solo bathroom breaks all through the day. I still think they should have to poo in front of each other. That would be a show. Breakfast. Kristian says that he almost hit Slim because he was snoring so loud. Everyone agrees. Jenny is mad. Kristian, the tool that he is, does a shot of tequila. He says, “That was disgusting.” God.
Short bus. Kristian asks how many guys Jenny has slept with and she says, “No comment.” Kristian then asks Slim how many guys he’s slept with, and he says, “There was that one crazy night with your dad.” Okay, that might be the funniest thing Slim has ever said. Congratulations.
The kids go bowling. It’s a bowling Truth or Dare game. Man, how does this show keep coming up with such inventive shit? Bowling. Bowling. Slim has to tongue-kiss the thumb hole of his ball. He does it. Adam looks repulsed and intrigued. Man, I even hate putting my thumb in the hole with all the germs. I hope Slim gets a staph infection or something. Jenny says that Slim’s kiss was “sick!” It was. Kristian has to demonstrate his favorite sexual position on Chris. Kristian bends Chris over and humps him. Ick. Someone bowls and falls. Jenny has to lick Kristian’s ear. Slim bowls with no pants. The whole bowling alley gets to see just why they call him Slim. More bowling montage. Fun. Bowling. Fun. Bowling. “Suddenly,” the Locksmith shows up, straddling two lanes. Hee. This is my favorite part. The acting! The acting. Chris acts. Jenny acts. Slim acts. Adam acts. Shock, all around. Depression. Locksmith. A voice yells, “Someone is out the door.” The Locksmith. The logo. The commercials. The fixing myself a stiff drink.
We’re back. Man, I would have loved to see the Locksmith all waddling down the lanes, slipping and sliding. They freak out when you step over the line at bowling alleys -- how the hell are they going to let a four-hundred-pound Samoan walk down their lanes? So the acting continues, as Kristian acts all scared. MM voice-overs about how the boys all showed their best and worst sides over the twenty-four hours, and we get a montage, and then a close-up of someone throwing a strike, and then it’s time for Jenny to decide. She says the person she’s releasing is not a confident, secure man, and it’s Slim. Ha. Slim glowers. Jenny gives him two hundred dollars, which she thinks is more than he deserves. Diss. Homeboy looks like he's about to cry, as he’s escorted through a walkway behind the alleys out to the Short Bus of Rejection. Jenny bitch-overs that she didn’t mean to make anyone feel bad but it’s part of the game. One has to admire Jenny’s shit-talking abilities; she did it right to Slim’s face. And also she has at least a little taste in getting rid of Slim. Slim voice-overs that it hurts, especially because he opened up. Oh, right, he cried. Hee. Eh, just pour on layers of gel and jewelry and those pesky emotions will stay safely buried so no one can touch you. Don’t worry about it. Jenny says Slim thinks he’s confident but he's not. Slim bitches about the two hundred dollars and says, “You know what, keep your money. I don’t need your damn pity.” Yeah, but I don’t see him giving back the money. Jenny thinks the money was fair. Slim frowns, the fat boy securely tucked away. He says that he’s glad he was the first one to go. “I don’t have to be subjected to these…frickin’ idiots.” Ha. Goodbye, Chunk. Don’t let the multiple layers of thinly-veiled insecurity hit you on the way out.
Night. House. The kids eat dinner outside, toasting to Slim being gone. Thass fucked up. Kristian says he was “definitely stoked” that Slim is gone and that he can now “spend a lot more of attention [sic] on Jenny.” Kristian leans over and says, “Did I ever tell you that pink is my favorite color.” Jenny asks him why he laughs when he gives a compliment. Kristian has no reaction, so he just smiles his pretty smile and Jenny goes into convulsions. He’d be a good deaf-mute. Knowing this, Adam says he’ll turn away and give Kristian a minute to spit game to Jenny. And what follows is the funniest moment in Chains history. Kristian touches Jenny’s face, and she tries so hard to ignore the words and just stare at the face. And Kristian says, “Jenny, everything I’ve ever…looked in a girl…I think you…beautiful teeth…sexy hair…” At this point they show Adam cracking up, and Jenny tries so hard not to. Kristian then hysterically tells us, his dead black eyes making my cat run into the room from all the evil, “I definitely let Jenny see my romantic side.” Goddamn, that’s funny. Jenny then tells us that Kristian did not come off as sincere. Adam says there is no chance of Kristian and Jenny going out.
Table. It’s Adam’s turn. He very clearly tells Jenny that he thinks they connect, but then he too starts stumbling, saying something about sexy and then sexy but not sex and then there’s passion and there’s romance and just smiling and having fun which is also sexy. Man. A couple of Casanovas here. I used to throw better lines at Martha Brewster in fourth grade. I just said something about the way she played four-square, and the girl was hooked. It’s now Chris’s turn, but he says he’ll be silent for now. Probably a good move, dude. Jenny then tells us that Chris doesn’t seem like he puts much effort into the girl he dates.
Now Jenny gives each boy one slow dance, and Adam is first. He tells us that he thinks Jenny is into him in a romantic way. I’m starting to see him as the geek who works in the computer lab. Chris now dances. Jenny compliments his shirt. Chris lies, saying that he thinks Jenny likes his humor and they’re on the same “wavelength.” Now a voice from the grave speaks -- oh, it’s just the always-ill-sounding Kristian. He croaks that he danced -- we see -- and Jenny saved the best for last and his dance was much different than the others. Adam talks about how his dance was the best, and suddenly his gigantic eyebrows leap off my television screen and start chasing my cat around the apartment.
Hot tub/pool. Jenny reads a card about how at the bottom of the pool is a treasure chest containing “another scalding tape” from her friend Helen. The boys will then be asked to answer questions about Jenny, and if they get a bunch right, they get the combination to the chest, and they only get to see the tape; otherwise, Jenny gets to see it too. Fucking stupid, this show. It’s as inventive as the scavenger hunt event in the Special Olympics. It’s also a great idea having a bunch of drunk people chained together dive repeatedly to the bottom of a pool. I really hope someone drowns and UPN gets sued and has to shut down. That would be funny shit. Anyway, so first question is how old is she. They answer twenty-one and get it right. “Who’s twenty-one?” yells my friend in the other room, having already left the room in disgust. “Jenny!” I yell. “Yeah, six years ago,” she yells back. The kids get the first number to the combo and all dive to the bottom to dial it into the lock. The boys answer that Jenny did water polo in high school, and they get another number. (I think they mean that she did the water polo team, but they get it anyway.) Then they know that her favorite color is purple and get the last number. How was that hard? What a waste, this show. They bring up the chest and remove the tape.
Inside, they play the tape and watch it -- Jenny has headphones on so she doesn’t get to hear. Helen comes back, ready to tell further impressions of the boys from when she got to know them a bit better. She says that Kristian is a liar and she shouldn’t believe anything he says; he’s also stupid. Okay, Helen is at least a semi-smart girl, though she reads her lines about as well as MM, which is to say, not at all. Chris is boring, she says. Adam is “smart, witty, and funny,” says Helen. She goes on that he’d be perfect for Jenny and not to let him get away. Oh, sucks for Adam; Adam then tells us how pissed he is that Jenny didn’t get to see the tape. Then they all pretend to fake talk as, yes, the Locksmith shows up. Adam’s turn to act, as he turns almost to the camera, blinks a lot, and says, “Oh my god, this guy again,” he then motions with his thumb all hobo-hitching-a-ride. Jenny gives a Home Alone face to denote shock. Meanwhile, I slowly slide into shock. Thank god, commercials. The bad. The bad. All the bad. I can’t handle it anymore. Crass consumerism, take me away.
Will you hate me if I go see Animal? Yes? Oh, okay. I was just kidding, actually. And for a second I get mad that “Bargain” by The Who is being used for a Nissan commercial and then I remember, “Oh yeah, The Who selling out -- not a big shocker.”
Locksmith. Everyone has changed now. Jenny, looking like she’s been doing heroin for three days straight. She says that she really likes this person, but he didn’t participate, and it’s Chris. Chris looks a bit stunned, but he’s probably just realized he can make it home for Law & Order so, you know, that’s cool. Jenny unchains him and then gives him eight hundred dollars. She says, “I hope this helps with your unemployment.” Oh diz-zamn! Thass cold, sister. The Locksmith leads the skinny white boy away. Adam tells us that he thought Kristian would have been . Kristian grunts to us that Chris didn’t stand up for himself.
Jenny tells us that Chris didn’t really want to say anything or tell a romantic story, and on the short bus we see Chris, but instead of talking, he’s just sitting there. Jenny keeps babbling about how Chris didn’t really even want to dance, and the Locksmith does a take to us, and Jenny says Chris didn’t even do anything to deserve the money, and back to Chris, who just stares with his arms folded, and that’s it. Man, it’s pretty funny that Chris chose to say nothing. But then again, maybe he talked and the producers simply chose to make it look like he said nothing. You never know with the crafty team behind such hits as Blind Date and…uh…yeah.
Bedroom. Night. Fast-motion infrared cam. Nothing happens. Adam twitches, and Jenny cuddles with Kristian.
Morning. Balcony. Adam tells us that his original plan was to be romantic, but he didn’t count on Kristian “flipping it over,” and maybe Kristian isn’t as dumb as he seems. Yeah, I seriously doubt that, Adam. I think Kristian has levels of dumbness no one will ever see. Kristian then tells us that he thinks he’s beating Adam at his own game, but then tells us that he honestly thinks nice guys finish last. It’s just the cold, dead eyes. Fucking hypnotize the girls with those beady things.
The kids eat breakfast, and MM comes in and improvs, “That looks good.” No one responds. She tells them about the dates and how the non-participating person will be “like a third wheel,” which is obviously a butchering of the real phrase “fifth wheel” -- not that MM knows that, or even how many wheels a car has in the first place. Everyone laughs because MM is such a dim bulb.
Short bus. Riding. Jenny voice-overs that she and Adam have a neat bond and they have a lot in common and she likes him a lot. The way she talks she sounds like she’s describing Providence. “Yeah, I mean, whatever, it’s an okay show.” Poor Adam. Adam says that his view on romance is just to “smile at her” and “oh man, just be there for her.” We see the two talking, now at a botanical garden. Kristian trials along. Adam’s date is a “Garden Stroll” and a “Gazebo Picnic.” Lord, that just sounds like the most boring shit to me. Sorry, but -- man. They walk. Walk. Walk. The Music Of Extreme Boredom For Absolutely Everyone Involved In Either Making Or Watching This Show plays as they sit and Adam blahs about the first time he saw Jenny and how she’s smart and funny, and then he tells us that he thinks he went beyond friendship with her. We get a shot of Kristian taking off his shirt and then telling us that Adam wants a relationship and he doesn’t think it’s going to work out for the boy. Kristian is so condescending for someone who probably can’t even spell the word. They go over to a gazebo and they eat, and Jenny tells us how perfect it was, and she says it was one of the most romantic dates ever. Adam then tells Jenny that he came to meet a lovely young lady, and she is, and if it goes somewhere, great, and they’re friends and that’s the obvious basis for anything, and Jenny just stares at him, and he says that they make each other laugh, and then he just keeps talking and he should really fucking shut up but he says, “You’re the type of girl I could definitely see myself settling down with,” and Jenny visibly cringes as he goes on, “I don’t want any money,” and then we see Kristian laughing. Kristian tells us that Adam is weird; Kristian says that, unlike Adam, he wants to “see the money.” House. House shot. Nice house. We get it. Commercials.
I fucking love how K-Mart is trying to all hip up their image. It’s like The National Prune Council doing rap commercials. “Prunes, they’re the shit!”
We’re back. I know, I’m sorry. Jenny tells us that the date was beautiful and they got to know each other. We see Kristian lying in the grass, spitting out streams of water. That’s class. She says that there is more of a physical connection with Kristian, but she likes Adam more. Oh, poor Adam. All not getting picked already and shit. She says that she’s a bit nervous about her date with Kristian because she doesn’t trust him. While she’s talking, Kristian is just staring right at her and reading her lips, despite having the headphones on. Fucking cheater.
Now for Kristian’s date. “Sensual Massage” and “Champagne Sunset.” They go into the same pimp room as all the dates on this show, where Jenny lies down on a table and Kristian rubs mud on her. Adam stares off into the distance, as Jenny tells us that the mud made her nervous. Kristian is making hearts with mud and drawing their initials on her back; he’s a six-year-old girl. Jenny says the mud was a test and it was “cute.” Adam blahs on about romance and how he is more in tune with what Jenny likes, and seriously, if Adam would just shut up, the disdain would not reach him. As it stands, I’m starting to hate him and his ass face. Jenny guesses that Kristian is drawing a “keg” on her back. Hee. Now dinner is being served on the balcony, and Kristian babbles about now having actual feelings for Jenny. Jenny stares into Kristian’s eyes and she looks genuinely sprung, and with that, we are all allowed -- she has given us permission -- to unabashedly hate her fucking guts. She lies, speaking from her pussy, that she thinks Kristian is hard on the outside but “squishy” inside. Yeah, that’s what she needs to believe -- that she can somehow bring it out of him. Kristian says, laughing, “You remember how when we first met, I thought you were so cute. I did.” Jenny is smiling and blushing like he just read some sonnets he wrote for her. Kristian then laughingly tells us that he gave it his all at dinner and he was surprised she didn’t give in and kiss him then. He feeds her and then kisses her on the cheek when she bites, and Jenny says, “Slick.” She then tells us that she likes him and says it feels good when he touches her. And now they go into full-on puke mode as he starts babbling about her eyes and her smile, and she’s not smiling, then smiling, then saying, “Are you serious?” and then they’re both giggling hysterically and it is here where I seriously want to drive down to the production offices and demand that they give me the last three hours of my life back. (Or at least a writing job, you know, if you guys can’t do the hours thing.) Jenny then yells at Kristian that she doesn’t believe him because he’s changed in like “sixty seconds.” Adam laughs and predicts that Kristian is to go. Kristian grabs her shoulder and says, “Has anybody ever told you you look Italian?” She says yes. As they’re talking about where they’re going to go together on their trip to Italy, the Locksmith strolls in. Acting! I love it! Jenny “sees” him and goes, “Oh noooooooooo.” They don’t even bother with Kristian and Adam. Good call.
Jenny now gives each boy ten seconds to plead his case. Kristian says, “Jenny, you’ve earned my trust,” hands her a little heart locket, and kisses her forehead. What? She earned his trust? I don’t think that’s what he meant, but oh well. Adam say he likes being with her and that’s very important to him. Wow. That was stunning, Adam. Here’s a gun so you can shoot yourself in the foot directly now. Jenny says that she had a connection with this guy, but “the game is called Chains of Love, not Chains of Friendship” -- oooh, diss -- and so she’s releasing Adam. He looks bummed. Now comes the big diss. Jenny says that since Adam claimed he came into this game not wanting any money, she’s going to hold him to his word and not give him shit. Goddamn, that’s fucked up right there! She says that she hopes her friendship is enough. Word. He walks away, and Kristian laughs. Jenny laughs crazy hard. What a bitch. Seriously. I mean, it’s funny but really lowdown. Snake mean. But smart. I don’t know. Anyway, Jenny and Kristian both laugh audibly as Adam pouts off. Kristian says that he loved the way Jenny used Adam’s own words “to haunt him in the end.” Kristian don’t speak so good, do he?
Short bus. Adam says that Jenny is greedy, but that he gave her an out and shouldn’t have said it. Jenny tells us that Adam got “carried away with the romance.” Exactly. Bad move, junior. No new Titanium Apple G4 laptop for you, brother science. Adam, now mad, says that he can’t believe she picked “Captain Leatherpants,” and that nice guys obviously finish last. Well, or sappy Jeff Goldblum-looking tools finish last. Who knows? He ends, “Not good. Not good.” No, you weren’t, boy-o. Later.
House. Hot tub. Porn music plays as the two take a tub and drink champagne and toast to Italy. Whatever. Kristian smokes a cigar and then suggests that they toast to Adam getting no money. Jenny alla sudden gets a conscience on us and says that she can’t do that. Oh, whatever, honey. You already laughed your ass off at the poor schmoe. It ain’t flying. Kristian keeps babbling about how Adam played off as a super-nice guy but how long can that last and everyone has a strategy, and Jenny just stares at him and then tells us that she wonders if she’s going to wake up the morning wondering if she made a mistake. Yeah, you think? So now Kristian lights a cigarette and leans back all Richie Rich, and Jenny looks sick, and Kristian just babbles on as if anyone in the room or America cared, talking about his strategy being not to take shit and coming off as the “tough guy” and then to show her that, deep down, he is romantic. Then he says the other side he wanted her to see is that he is, and he says each word. As. If. It. Is. Its. Own. Sentence: “A relaxed, cool, laid-back dude just looking to have a good time.” Jenny looks around for an exit and then Kristian tops off the charm session by putting out his cigarette on his tongue. Jenny closes her eyes and asks, “Are you kidding me right now?” The hits just keep on coming as Kristian then pours a bottle of Jack Daniels all over his face. Jenny bitches, “Well, I’m so impressed,” and the numbskull starts sputtering and laughing, not getting that she was kidding, “I didn’t think I was going to do it. I got it in my eye!” He keeps laughing with his eyes closed and then Jenny says, “I’m so glad I kept you around.” Man, this guy is funny fucking shit. He should be on Buffy now that the UPN has it. (Oh wait, what if Kristian reads this and for a second thinks I’m being serious and then makes an ass of himself to the network? Ah, well, screw it.)
Bedroom. Jenny leads Kristian, who’s still drinking, to the bed. They start wrestling, and Jenny now tells us that she thinks Kristian just needs someone to bring out his soft side and that he’s probably been hurt in the past. I give up! Seriously, I would throw my laptop out the window, but I have so much downloaded porn I’d hate to lose. (Just kidding. There’s not much. Anymore.) Kristian tells us that Jenny is realizing who the better man is.
Infrared cam. Dialogue. My other favorite part:
Kristian: I like you.
Jenny: Are you serious?
Kristian: I’m serious. I think it’s because of the challenge you’ve been giving me this whole time, it’s like all right…this girl makes me want her so bad because she puts up such a fight.
Jenny: I’m not trying to, though. I mean, it’s just me, I don’t know.
I have no comment. Commercials.
Morning. They wake up. Kristian lies, saying that Jenny is the girl he wants. Jenny tells us that he just needed to be alone without the other guys in order to soften up -- yeah, like with the babbling and the cigarette on the tongue and pouring booze on his face. You done changed your man, sister girl. They eat breakfast on the balcony, and Jenny asks how his tongue feels, and he says he can’t taste the bagel. MM slut-overs the rules from this point, and Kristian tells us that he’s never trusted anyone his is life because one can get hurt, and Jenny understands that it’s hard for him. Yes, I am speeding through this because I care even less than usual, they make me so mad.
Ritual room. She unlocked Kristian. Now it’s time for her to announce her decision to blah blee bleh. Jenny says that she’s very attracted to him, but last night he showed his true colors, and she didn’t like what she saw. So, no. She doesn’t want to pursue a whatever. MM asks how much money she’s giving him. Jenny says that she’s only giving him five hundred dollars. He takes it, his cold dead eyes wanting to cry. He walks out, voice-overing, “I was so much of a challenge that Jenny couldn’t handle me.” Jenny says she gave Kristian an opportunity and he failed. Kristian cries, “Jenny was a bad sport!” Oh, he’s crying now, when before he was toasting Adam getting no money. Us feeling sorry for you -- not going to happen.
Oddly, Kristian walks up some stairs and stares the Locksmith in the eye the whole time, all mad. I wish the Locksmith would push him backwards. Instead, he just puts him in the short bus and slams the door after him. Jenny says that Kristian is a chump. Kristian tells us that he was very close to ripping the money up in Jenny’s face and throwing it “on her shoes.” On her shoes? Uh, yeah, that would have shown her. Putting all dirty money on her shoes and shit. Fucking bad-ass is what that would have been right there. Jenny says that she played the game and will be laughing all the way to the bank. Kristian calls her a “greedy bitch.” Jenny starts neck-wiggling, saying that if that’s what Kristian thinks, at least she doesn’t have to see his “ugly face ever again. He doesn’t exist to me.” Now in the short bus, Kristian has lit his money on fire and is watching it burn. Then on the balcony of the house, Jenny girl-throws the necklace Kristian gave her away, saying, “Good riddance, Kristian.” What is happening, here? Man, this is like an episode of Jerry Springer all of a sudden with the trash-talking and the bad acting.
Oh, now see! As the Locksmith stands overlooking the water, wondering if he and his lover Bill should try to find a place to live out here in Malibu, a graphic tells us, “Two days later, Jenny and Kristian made amends and went on a date.” Fucking hell. Oh. “They are currently not speaking.” Well, there you go. More. “Adam returned to New York, and met the girl of his dreams. He describes her as 'much better than Jenny.'”
week. Four total hos. They start showing tattoos. Slaps. Tears. Asses. Hos. Hos. Hos.
Beautiful.
I still hate you all. Later.