So UPN just announced their fall line-up and, shocker, Chains of Love will not be back. Lets all give a collective "thank you" to the programming gods.
Episode Five. Only one more after this. Man, thats some cool shit. I mean, yes, this is still going to be a terrible few hours, but the notion that its almost over is enough to make me not stick my arm in the fan. But theres this: I was all excited today to buy three new albums that just came out -- Weezer, REM, and Tool -- and listen to those tonight, but then I remembered Chains of Love was on and I figured, Of course. Of fucking course Chains would ruin one of the most exciting rock music release dates for me in recent history. Thanks a lot, Chains. Just for that, youre grounded. This is going to be the shortest recap yet, I swear. I hope. IIll try.
So yet again we get basically the same opening as the first three weeks, but slightly different: A womans voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Robert Blake driving his Toyota pick up with a .45 in one hand and Gary Buseys phone number in the other. The woman: Beautiful California. A place of romantic dreams and adventure. Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, its made by the same shitty production companyyou know what? Im not going to do this again. Remember, Chains is being punished. So fuck the opening. Its the same anyway. All you need to know is that this week a college student named Jenny -- who looks a little bit like, well, she looks like this porn star whos name I dont remembernot that I watch porn or anything -- shell be chained to four dipshits. Theyll live in the house. Theyve picked four guys for her. This show hurts so much that Im now eating Skittles like Matthew Perry eats Vicodin.
Jenny says that shes funny or at least entertaining. She plays the guitar. There is really nothing more annoying than someone who plays the guitar and isnt actually in a very good band. I think if anyone wants to play the guitar, great, but dont make me listen to how you figured out the opening to Tonight, Tonight. If I wanted to hear that song Id put the CD on, okay? Thanks. Jenny says that she likes hot guys, and shes not going to go out and look for someone unattractive just for the sake of it, you know? Wow. ThatsI guess you have to admire someone for being so honest and open about their shallow nature. Youll always have that, Jenny.
So a guy walks into the courtyard and he talks, and his voice sounds like gravel rubbing against gravel. Jack Klugman has more resonance to his voice than this guy. Jenny then tells us that shes Latin, so she needs her guys to be manly. If one more person calls themselves Latin on this show, Im going to personally hunt down Jennifer Lopez and make her watch all six episodes on loop until she renounces her culture forever. Anyway, the guy. He sucks. His name is Kristian (what a name) and hes a Tough Guy. His quote: I am the total package. Okay, theyre so just making these quotes up, because about seven people have said theyre the total package so far. Have any of you ever referred to yourself as a total package? Total tool, I understand. Look totally gay in that hat, I can buy, but total package? Anyway. He goes on to say that his ideal night is to kick back by a keg, or something. Im not making this up. He says that he likes to fight, and we see him in the rain, smoking a cigarette all glumly. Enough not to make me ever want to smoke ever again, this guy. Lady smoking through the hole in her neck, fine. But Kristian sulking over a Kool, no way. So he walks into the house and says its cool.
Meanwhile, Jenny rides in the short bus and looks at self-portraits the guys have all drawn of themselves. The first guy is homeboyish.
A slightly dorkier guy with thick eyebrows walks into the house holding flowers. He says hes going to just be himself and be nice to the other guys. Jenny says she wants her man to be a gentleman. Adam is a Hopeless Romantic. His quote: I know how to make a woman feel special. Adam holds a soccer ball on a field and frowns very hard at the camera. Somehow the words hopeless and special seem quite appropriate to him right now. He says that, because he went to Duke, that means he must be smart. One of his huge eyebrows raises so high on this line that I think its going to fly off his head and start circling the lamp. He insinuates that hes never had a girlfriend. He sees Kristian, and they sniff each other.
Jenny looks at a drawing where the guy has his hand over his face.
A member of Color Me Badd walks into the house, dripping hair gel on his gold chain, cut-off shirt, and unfinished bicep tattoos. The guy says hes playing to win, but not lose. Jenny says a good dancer is fun. We see him dance. Hes not a good dancer. His name is Slim and he is Mister Flash. The quote: I care about my looks and it shows. Sure, hes about seven years to late for his look, but Im sure he does care very very much. Too bad no one else does. He tells us that they call me Slim and he says that hes a goofball, a cheeseball. We see him fall off a raft in a pool. So funny. Im hooked. Give this guy a sitcom. Actually, for the UPN, that wouldnt be falling much lower than their current programming. He says he can make us laugh and that hes crazy. Slim meets the other two guys.
Jenny has no clue about the guy who made some weird stick-figure family tree picture.
A guy walks in the house. Blond spiky hair and a really weirdly-cut beard. He says that hes going to have to charm the girl with his personality because he doesnt have a six-pack stomach. Hee. He looks a bit like a skinnier Danny Bonaduce. Jenny says she likes someone who is mellow and tame. She should date Christopher Reeve because, aside from the dancing thing, hes pretty much what shes looking for. The guy says hes laid-back and happy to let the girl make dinner reservations. His name is Chris and hes a Laid Back Dude. His quote: My sense of humor always wins them over. Except, you know, when it doesnt. Like tonight. He says hes always cheated on his girlfriend and likes to party, but he feels like hes matured. We see him working on a computer, which denotes maturity, you know. Like now, Im writing on a laptop and Im very mature. All stoic with my cat and my Skittles and my Diet Coke. So mature that today all Ive done is eat candy and Taco Bell, take a nap, and spend two hours at a toy store. Thats mature, people. Oh, the show. Chris meets the other guys out by the pool.
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In the short bus, Jenny looks at Chriss picture, calling him a pretty boy with spiky hair and an earring. Yeah, okay, sister.
The guys. They babble. Jenny shows up. They greet her. She comes down, and they all meet inside. She laughs at Slims name and then takes Adams flowers.
Distant Bell. Ritual room. MM whores in and explain the rules. I, however, refuse. Jenny then picks Kristian and Adams pictures, so theyre chained closest to Jenny. Chaining montage. MM reads the rest of her lines and wishes them luck. Slim scowls. Jenny laughs in slo-mo. I cry soft tears that no one sees.
The group explores the house, and Jenny voice-overs that shes never been chained to four guys before. Why do they let their people say such stupid shit and then air it? I dont understand. The kids all get food, as in every show, and sit down outside to eat.
Slim makes a toast -- everyone drinks, while Jenny toasts with an apple. Slim says no falling down three times because hes such a cut-up, but no one laughs at his crazy-funny line. My cat laughs, but thats only because Im home alone on a Tuesday night. Even she has a date.
The kids sit down in front of TVs, and MM slut-overs that they had the boys all show up and fill out paperwork at the offices and planted Jennys attractive friend Helen to meet the boys. Shes now going to give part of her first impressions. Everyone smiles or cringes. Helen reads her lines stiffly as she talks about Slim, saying that hes sweet and is the quiet one of the bunch, but hes too cheesy and too concerned with his looks. Ya think? Everyone laughs. Kristian, she says, is cute and funny, but [shes] not sure if [she] was laughing with him or at him. Diss. She also says hes stupid and would say anything to get in a womans pants. Helen thinks Chris is mean and never faithful; hes been with four women at one time. How does Helen know all this? Then again, Chris seems like the kind of person who would announce that hes been in a fivesome to pretty much the whole world. Helen says that Adam is the perfect guy for Jenny, but was really rude to her on the phone. She says hes a jerk. Helen will be back later to say more. Jenny says over and over how cute Helen is and then tells us that Adam was upset that he was called a jerk. In a very cut-up sound bite, Jenny tells us that the last person she wants to be chained to is a jerk. Well, shut up, because the last thing I want to be doing right now is watching this show, and Im not complaining. Oh, yeah, I actually am. Ooh, commercials. Good touch, UPN. Adds a lot to the show, I think.