Episode Four. Over the hump. I’m so excited I could spit. I just did. The thing is, I haven’t had a cigarette for eight days. It doesn’t make this any easier. I haven’t been a very stable person. Seriously. My cat ran out and bought me a pack yesterday.
Anyway. So it’s just me and a pack of gum and the white-hot ball of hatred I feel towards Chains of Love. Let’s begin, shall we?
And yet again we get basically the same opening as the first three weeks, but slightly different: A woman’s voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Jamie Lee Curtis driving her Audi hopped up on Ibuprofen with a highball glass in one hand and her cock in the other. The woman: “Beautiful California. A place of romantic dreams and adventure.” Rock and roll! Shots that look like leftover footage from Blind Date! Oops, it’s made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, “Now the series Chains of Love explores the limits of romance as a man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex twenty-four hours a day. Witness the joy. The honesty. The competition. And the romantic connection.” Our host must have just riffed the same speech a hundred different ways. Because if they were actually taking the time to rewrite this opening trying to make it better each week, I’d be very very sad for those writers. Very sad. She continues, “In tonight’s episode, a man is chained to four gorgeous women and must learn to separate past pain from present pleasure.” So, either Madison or the writers obviously learned something about alliteration once when they were twelve and just sorta remembered it’s a “good” thing, and thus tried to bust it out here without really knowing what it does or how to use it well. So sad it sends Stee sobbing. A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. “Hi, I’m Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love.” Hey, y’all in the production offices of this show. Your shoes are untied. (Hee, I totally made them look. Tools.)
So we meet tonight’s guy, Tomas, who is a graduate student. He’s going to be moving into “this” house et cetera et cetera. Tomas in a park, wearing a yellow parka. Now we get shots of the girls picked because they have attributes Tomas likes. Well. I hope he said he likes “ho-ish girls who really want to be actresses but have lived in L.A. for seven years now and have only landed a few student films and thus decided to try to get discovered on the TV,” because that's what he seems to be getting.
Tomas tells us that he’s not looking for a one-night stand and that he’s a romantic. “Weird doesn’t excite me,” he says. Well, I already find him weird and he doesn’t excite me, so I guess we agree on that point. He holds a Frisbee (or just a regular flying disc, not necessary made by the fine folks at Frisbee, Inc.) up for his dog, who is a total spaz and who jumps and misses and makes me spit Skittles I’m laughing so hard. Then Tomas throws the flying disc, and his dog runs, and you can tell he’s about to totally miss it so they cut away. Man, even his dog is a dork.
We meet the first girl, who says that she’s going to do her own thing and if it gets in somebody’s way, too bad. Tomas then tells us that he likes someone to stay in shape and that he’s “all for that.” Tool. So we meet the shaking woman, who looks like Margot Kidder hiding in the bushes. She says that she loves sports, and we see that her name is Shannon and she’s a “Fun-Loving Party Girl.” Her quote: “I’m the antidote to boredom.” She tells us she’s “outgoing” and “fun” and “crazy sometimes.” (Won’t that prove to be true.) I think she’s drunk while she’s talking. She says, “I can go eat chicken wings and drink beer. I’ll do that. I’m a party girl.” I can also crouch naked in the corner talking to my dead aunt and painting on the walls with my own feces.
Tomas gets in the short bus, and this week they have him look at Polaroids the girls took of their “favorite body part” in order to help him make a choice. He comments about someone’s leg.
House. Short girl. She voice-overs that she’ll be nice to people, but she expects that her patience will be tested. My club. Join it. Tomas then tells us that his past relationships have involved successful women. Shorty then tells us that at work she’s very focused and career-driven. She bikes down Venice beach, and we see that she is Tammy. “Athletic & Competitive.” Her quote: “Intelligence and intensity: I’m the whole package.” Okay, Tammy is pretty cute and looks a bit like Neve Campbell. But don’t hold it against her. I’m sure there will be plenty of actual reasons to hate her. She says she likes to have fun and she has good morals and she can “hold [her] own financially.” At the house, Tammy and Shannon shake hands warily. They eye each other. Low growls. Claws do come out, but they quickly retract. Butt-sniffing continues.
In the short bus, Tomas says that the girl with the “belly” must be a “cute girl.” Yes, of course she must, Tomas.
New girl. Blonde. Bimbo. Lord, she has one of those little-girl-woman voices that some guys like but that makes me nauseous. And wow, the way she talks all slow, with the occasional weird vowel sound that makes her sound Chinese, lends to her a certain air of, let’s say, hardcore stupidity. She whore-overs that she’s going to figure out her strategy as it goes -- play up what she has going for her. (Read: tits.) Tomas says, “I’m a Latin. Latins are known to appreciate shape.” If Tomas is Latin, I’m Hindu. What a dick. Blondie lets the air seep out of her head and tells us, having to think about it hard, that she works out five times a week! We learn that her name is Jane and she’s the “Bashful Bombshell.” Her quote: “My beauty is more than skin-deep.” No. It’s not. She tells us that most people don’t know what she’s really like, and she says she’s very disciplined and likes to be challenged and likes “the old fashioned way of a man treating a woman.” Yeah, when he hit her in the eye because he had a tough day at work, made her cook him dinner, and then fell asleep on the couch watching Mannix? Great. You’re welcome to it. Jane meets the other two girls. Jane? She has a terrible way? Of ending every few words? Like it’s a question? I hate her.
Short bus. Tomas says that one of the girls has a nice back and looks athletic.
New girl. She says that she’s going to get the guy, because he’ll figure out that she’s interesting and her “boobs are real.” Ha. I like her. I mean, relatively, which is a big fucking codicil. Tomas says he likes the arts. Weird Girl says that she wants the man to be interesting and “a little arty.” Alma is the girl, and she’s a “Quirky Writer.” Her quote: “Creative, spontaneous, and fun -- what’s not to like?” “Quirky” has to be one of the most overused words in Hollywood. Right between the words “fucking” and “lunch.” She whores to the camera, saying that she’s “quirky” (see?) and “different” and “unique.” She tells us that she’s a dog-walker, which is funny, because I did that when I first came to town and I know how much that pays, which is not much. She says that she likes dogs because they can’t hurt you like men. Sure, dogs can’t cheat on you, but men aren’t going to bite your leg. Well, most men. And as I write this, my cat comes up and licks me. I thank her. Then I realize she’s only giving me love because I’ve hit pause on the VCR and she desperately wants me to keep it that way. Alma seems very young even if she doesn’t look it, as she says that she’s a “dreamer.” She’s not the only one. The four girls greet each other in the kitchen.
In the short bus, Tomas says that it’s a “very nice breast” he’s looking at.
Outside. The girls make awkward conversation about their sleeping habits as Tomas shows up. He invites the girls inside and meets them. He kisses Alma, saying that it’s “a Latin thing.” Jesus. Then he says to Tammy, “You look Latin, are you Latin?” No. She’s Italian. Dick. “Right on,” he says.
Distant bell. Ritual room. They sit as MM gives the exposition about when to let the girls go and the Locksmith shows up and Tomas will have to give the girls money as he lets them go and shit, the twelve of us who watch the show already fucking know by now. Tomas says he liked the photo of the leg and the tummy best. They were from Tammy and Alma, so they are chained on the inside. Music. Music. Chains. They are chained. My teeth hurt. I ate too many Skittles. My eyes hurt. I’ve watched too much shitty TV. MM wishes them luck, and we get thirty seconds of slo-motion shots of the five of them looking around. Now that’s fucking compelling television, people.
The kids “explore” the house. As they put clothes away, Tomas tells us, “I’ve never been chained to four girls before.” You haven’t? What’s wrong with you? Loser. They head downstairs and eat food outside. They “break bread,” as the religious Tomas puts it; it looks as if they're actually eating Egg McMuffins, but to “break McMuffin” just sounds dirty, doesn’t it? Tomas holds out a book and reads lines stiffly, talking about how he wants to know the girls better, and thus he’s been given information about the four girls from their ex-boyfriends. The girls shriek in mock horror; naturally, they knew about this, since when the name of which boyfriend talked is read, no one reacts with an ounce of surprise. Tammy’s ex says that she’s wild, and demanding, and that women find her intimidating. Shannon’s ex says that she’s a flirt, demanding, bitchy to her boyfriend, a princess, a clean-freak, and lazy. Shannon is also a manipulator and “by the way, this girl can drink,” he says. Shannon bats her eyebrows. Where’s the pill lady? I think it’s time for Shannon’s meds. Alma's ex says that she reads her daily horoscope “like it’s the word of God.” Okay, that’s funny. She also has energy and needs a lot of attention. Alma likes to build drama and has a short attention span. Now Jane. Jane's ex-husband says that Jane is beautiful, funny, and goofy. He also says she’s a bitch and “has to be in love before she’ll give up the booty.” The Music Of Scary Ex-Husbands plays as Tomas continues to read about Jane, saying that the ex is still waiting for Jane’s left breast implant to be returned after their divorce settlement. Oh no he di’n’t! Jane voice-overs that she was “taken aback” by the “harsh” words. She predicts that she’ll probably be the first to go.
Did you see The Mummy Returns this past weekend? You did? I want you to go to your room and think about what you’ve done. Seriously. What’s wrong with you?
Tomas talks to us, telling us that Jane is superficial and not his type; he says she reminds him of an ex who hurt him. Alma, he says, was scared when she arrived, and it made him want to take care of her. He says that Tammy is his type and he thinks she’ll last until the end. He says Shannon wants to spar and “jest” and that she’s the “wild one.” He gets this insane look in his eye and tells us, “They’re all beautiful women.” Yes, they are. Now go to church or something and leave me alone.
The kids all get in the short bus and head off together to be seen in public. They head to a pool bar, and we get lots of crap-ass shots of drunks in the bar staring, and without the controlled lighting of the house, we really see just how shitty the quality of this video is. It’s like one tiny step above Blind Date. Like they bought a three-hundred-dollar lens for this show instead of a two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar one. In the bar, the game has been set up as a Truth or Dare thing. Gay. So very gay. Everyone screams in “look-how-naughty-we-are”-ness as Shannon is forced to spank Jane and say, “Bad dog. Bad dog.” Even Tomas looks scared by Shannon’s overzealous spanking. Tomas now has to talk about the worst way he’s been dumped, and he tells a lame-ass story about going to a woman he thought was perfect for him to ask her to marry him, only to find out that she was already married. Personally, I think you should at least be in the person’s life who you want to marry enough to know if they’ve recently gotten hitched or not. But that’s just me. I’m “quirky” like that.
Shannon looks into the camera and tells us that Tomas is attractive and intelligent. Mommy, make the scary woman go away.
Now someone has to “fake an orgasm,” and we can’t tell who it is at first because they just show everyone else watching. It’s Jane, and she whines, “It feels so good” as she moans a few times and grabs her hair. Tomas screams like a girl. Random shots of people watching, meant to be all funny, but the timing and everything else is off. Sadly, I’m sure the editors sat around cracking themselves up editing in these reaction shots. Well, it’s pretty easy to amuse someone who’s locked in a small hot room for eighteen hours a day. Jane is done doing what she does best, and everyone claps. Tammy tells us that she doesn’t feel Jane is competition because she’s not Tomas’s type; she thinks Jane will be the first to go. Tammy then has to give a foot massage to “the person [she’s] most attracted to.” Man, spanks and faked orgasms and foot massages. The producers have these little 1970s ideas about what’s hot. I feel like I’m watching The Dating Game and someone is going to start talking about “making whoopie” soon. So Tammy rubs Tomas’s feet and she’s cute doing it and they talk and then Shannon says something meant to be alluring but it’s just sorta sad so I ignore it. (Shhh, if you ignore the scary lady she might go away.) Jane tells us derisively that Tammy’s strategy is not to make friends with anyone else, but just to go for the guy. Yeah, Jane, what a terrible strategy, to go for the guy. Tammy is dumb, huh? I bet she never got her G.E.D. like you did. And the pool segment ends, with a totally nonsense shot of the pool balls going back into rack formation. Magic! Some assistant editor just discovered the “reverse” function of the Avid and begged his boss to let him throw one in. Genius. Good job, kid -- you’re going places in this town.
Short bus. Tammy tells us that Tomas is hot, but not what she’d expected. Tammy then asks him if he is indeed not going to have sex again until he’s married. He tells us that he thinks for a woman to not give herself to a man until she’s in love with him is “a good thing.” Tomas tells the girls that there is time to get to know a person, and it’s wise to take that time. Shannon tells us how Tomas lived in celibacy for years and then “screwed up,” and then he did it again and again screwed up. Shannon says, who’s to say he can’t screw up again? And that’s it. Such a half-baked job of crafting segments. This show makes a flip book made by a Special Ed class seem compelling and well-structured.
Dusk. House. The five talk out on the balcony. Tomas tells us that the fact that he’s a Christian was a shock to the girls. Shannon complains that everyone is boring and she just wants to have fun. (Read: “I’m going to get hammered tonight.”) See. As they all sit down to eat dinner outside, Shannon suggests that they open the wine. Tomas toasts and pours more wine. Tammy jokes that he could “use a little” more wine, and he says something about them kissing later, and she giggles and looks down. Strong businesswoman, that one. Suddenly, The Music Of My Escalating Suicidal Thoughts plays Alma sluts that she feels like a third wheel ["I hate her already. It's 'fifth wheel'" -- Sars] and says, “You haven’t even given me the time of day.” Tammy frowns. Everyone starts talking, and Tammy says that maybe it’s a mind game, and Alma brats that Tammy is getting all the attention and that during the “interview” Tomas’s hand was on her leg, and he gays, “Helloooo, we’re chained together.” Alma then says she doesn’t mean to be mean to Tammy, and Tomas and Alma argue about why he hasn’t touched her leg, and there’s so much loud screaming and cackling that my cat starts chewing through the television’s electrical cord, but instead of turning off the set she gets a small shock and some of the fur on her tail turns black and falls off. She meows angrily and curls up to pout in my potted ficus.
Anyway, suddenly a sodden Shannon leans in with her Skeletor mouth and tells Tomas that he just said he wants to kiss Tammy and why is he trying to deny it now and I’m going to eat your babies! Shannon tells Tomas to stop denying it, and Tomas says that they have something to talk about, and Shannon starts doing a little rhyme about “around the world,” but I think she’s implying that he’s babbling, and Tomas butts in on her rhyme, saying, “And you’re out of here tomorrow.” Shannon laughs and says, “Forewarning.” Tomas tells us that he was joking and that he didn’t know he was going to “hit such a button.” Yeah, how could he know telling a girl on a game show about kicking people off that she was about to be kicked off would hurt her feelings? Anyway, as Tomas tells us this, we see Shannon on the couch, cackling to herself. That girl is lucky she lives in the present day -- her ass would have been burned at the stake in the seventeenth century, no doubt. Tomas then tells us that Shannon played it off at first, but soon it got bad. Slo-mo of her drinking and laughing. Shannon then tells us, “He made me look dumb for a little bit and you shouldn’t do that. That’s not fair…gonna make me look dumb for him being wrong." Ah! Her eyes! Fuck it, I’m turning the -- oh. Okay, she’s gone. Phew. Jane, speaking slowly since she just recently learned to talk, tells us, “After dinner I really don’t have any idea of what’s going on really anymore.” No! You don’t say. Guys, did I say she was dumb? I did? Well, I overestimated her.
Pool room. The kids come downstairs in their bathing suits to hot tub. Shannon is now drunk and all over Tomas, trying to get him back. Alma tells us that Shannon “took a turn,” and that what happened in the hot tub was “funny.” Staring into his eyes, Shannon licks up the length of Tomas’s big toe like it’s a cock and she’s trying to get the cable guy to give her free HBO. Tammy frowns. Shannon tries to convince him to let her suck his toe. Tomas says no. Jane jokes that Tomas “loves it” that she’s crossing a line. Jane’s tits float three inches above the water, they’re so buoyant. Alma says that when she watches Shannon, she feels like she’s watching a movie. Yeah, Nuts. Alma goes on to tell us that she finds Shannon entertaining, and she makes her laugh. Alma looks through the water to see if Tomas is hard. They try to play it off, but I know what’s going on. Shannon then tells us that if Tomas had let her suck his toes, “that would have been the end of him.”
Bedroom. The kids get in bed. Tomas tells us, “What man sleeping in a bed with four women would not think of the sexual element?” Paul Lynde. Paul Lynde would not have thought of the sexual element. He would have wondered who had the best PJs. Tomas says that it seems like a perfect recipe for disaster. The lights go out. Infrared cam. Tomas tells someone (Tammy?) that she’s on top of him and he really needs some space to sleep. Then for some reason, even though she’s two people away from him on the chain, it seems as if it’s Shannon, because they continue to argue and then Tomas tells us that what happened last night with Shannon was that “she freaked out.” So now the show gets good. For once. (Don’t congratulate yourselves yet, producers. For once the show gets good.) Shannon flips on the light and begins leaning over Tammy, drunkenly yelling at Tomas. The other girls remain quiet, some still trying to sleep, or at least not to get hit by the now-clearly-absolutely-insane Shannon. (Come to think of it, casting a known drunk/psycho would be a good idea for a reality show like this.) Shannon yells, “You’re not going to go to bed tonight. You want to know why? Because you have a big (beep) problem, buddy. You think you know who you are…” Then she starts really swearing and babbling even more, talking some shit about Tomas waxing his chest and having a “butch haircut.” She then calls him a “geek.” Tomas counters strongly by telling Shannon that she’s in it for the money. Ooooooh, what a diss! Saying Shannon only came on the show for money. Thass just fucked up right there. Tomas just keeps on saying, “Money!” and telling her that she’s not being honest and that everything she says is fake. Shannon leans in closer and says something else and then she tells the girls “good night” and Tomas says, “Give it a rest.” Man, that’s some quality television right there. I’ll bet it’s even better than the episode-two sex tape that’s floating around.
Morning. The alarm goes off. MM tells us that the gang has a hard time getting up. They are released one by one for the bathroom, and then in the kitchen they all eat, and it’s very tense, and Alma is just laughing because at least she now knows she won’t be the very first to go. Tammy asks how long they were up fighting, and Tomas says it was 3:30 am. Shannon says, “Sorry for flipping out, but...” and trails off. Alma tells us that she didn’t know if they were going to fight or start having sex. “It was a little scary,” she says. Then Jane sluts that she also didn’t know if Shannon was going to “deck” Tomas or “start making out with him.” Shannon, in the kitchen, then apologizes for saying nasty things. Tammy tears into a bagel, smiling victoriously. Tomas then tells us that he can forgive, but he doesn’t have to forget. They end the scene with a shot of a rum bottle.
The Locksmith drives to the house as The Music Of UPN Whoredom starts up and we see the kids getting into the hot tub in their bathing suits.
In the tub, Shannon talks about how she was mad, but then the Locksmith is up above and we get a long awkward sequence of the kids supposedly seeing the Locksmith and being all surprised and nervous. This “acting” section really is my favorite part of the show. No. I take that back. Commercials are really my favorite part on the show.
Man, the UPN is terrible. All the previews for other tacky-ass shows. It’s 1986 all over again on the UPN!
Shannon’s acting really is the best in the replay of their Surprise du Locksmith. So fucking funny. MM whores that Tomas now has to decide who to let go, and that he’s gotten a chance to see each girl’s “unique” personality. That’s a kind way to put it. Tomas wastes our time, not that it isn’t all time wasted, by saying that at first he found this person attractive and blah blah blah stallcakes. He says that this person showed herself to be “controlling, insensitive, and frankly, psychotic.” Hee. Of course it’s Shannon. She smiles insanely as unchains her. The other girls laugh. He tells her that last night reminded him of Friday the 13th, so he’s going to give her thirteen dollars. Thass cold. She is led away by the Locksmith, and she smiles. The other women smile. Tomas frowns. Shannon nuts-overs that Tomas tried to humiliate her and breaks out the old chestnut that “everyone who knows [her]” knows that she’s not psychotic. Yes. Sure. Just slip into this white jacket with the weird sleeves, if you will. Shannon gets into the short bus. Tomas tells us that Shannon caused pain and injury. Shannon then calls Tomas judgmental, cruel, and an asshole. Tomas says that if Shannon is going to give it, she better take it. Shannon says that she would have paid ten thousand dollars to be released. Good -- then this bitterness is all for naught, right? Tomas says Shannon was there for the money. Shannon then says, and this is very funny, that Tomas had it out for her from the beginning since she showed her breasts in the photo, and she then says, “He obviously can’t handle a very strong woman that’s very outgoing and knows what she wants in life.” Yes, showing your tits to a stranger equals strength. That’s really all the feminists have been working for all these years, after all.
House. Again. Short bus. Jane, sounding serious like she’s eight, says that the dynamics have changed without Shannon and she’s more relaxed. Tammy says she wouldn’t want to piss Shannon off. The four go on what looks to be the most boring hayride of all time. MM tells us that the girls are now continuing to compete for Tomas’s affection. Tammy tells us that she’d really like to get to know Tomas one-on-one, but he doesn’t really share. Jane then whines to us that there is no connection at all between her and Tomas, and that she’s gone and she’s just along now for the ride. Alma does a horse impression, and Tomas tells us that Alma is good because she’s able to “express her needs.” Here’s my need: end this fucking show already. Tomas then says she wishes Tammy could express herself as well, and that Alma is sweet.
It’s night now, and they all eat at the hay place or whatever. Alma tells a story about her parents and something about an affair or a divorce, but I don’t really care, but I think she found her absentee dad when she was an adult and surprised him or something. Who. Cares. Tomas opines to us that Alma is a survivor who has survived a lot. Well said, douche bag. Alma tells us that she’s a “sponge for love.” Jane morons that Tomas is getting vibes from Alma that he “might want to explore,” and goes on to say that she herself isn’t making any connection with him. Tammy goes on that this night, Tomas pulled away from her, and Tammy says, “How come I’m not getting the attention anymore.” Alma then tells a story to Tomas about showing her boobs to a parking attendant to get out of paying. Classy. We then see the shadow of the Locksmith. They show a horse looking over as if at the Locksmith. It’s very Evil Dead II. Alma then says that she joined the Israeli army. Then there’s something where Tammy interrupts, and the girls all have this very apologetic and dull fight about who interrupted who, and Jane busts in, “But you know, I think it’s important that if you ask someone a question that you really listen to their answer instead of just asking them and being distracted and not really paying attention. I don’t think that’s kind.” Forty-three Blair Witch sounds as the Locksmith shows up. Everyone looks down. Then Tammy and Tomas try hard to cry for some reason. Commercials.
I’ve seen classier commercials during Petticoat Junction at 4:30 am on a Sunday night.
Back. They’re all lined up as Tomas has to kick another girl off the chain. Tomas says he didn’t make the decision until the very end. He says that he felt a commonality, but now she’s revealed herself to be “wounded” and so he’s going to release Alma. What a fucker! Being wounded is a reason to let someone go? I hate Tomas more than anyone so far. Really. More than anyone at all. I’d root for Hitler to make a love connection quicker on this show than I do with Tomas. He releases Alma and gives her one thousand and nine dollars. One thousand for the catering business she’s been talking about, and nine dollars so she doesn’t have to keep flashing parking attendants. The girls shriek as Alma tears up and incongruously tells Tomas, “That really sweet,” and thanks him. She’s really crying, and Tomas is just beaming his little Christian heart out. Tammy cries and makes sure Tomas can see it as Alma is driven away.
Short bus. Alma tells us how neat what Tomas said was and what a “life-changing experience” it’s been. Tomas says that her crying showed him that he and Alma had a good relationship, but he didn’t have the energy for her. Alma then says she thought she’d be very pissed if she was let go first, but she says that she was booted so “poetically” that it was “almost like an orgasm” and that it was beautiful. What? No, really -- what? The Locksmith, driving, stares into the camera. Hee. And yeah, I lost all good thoughts about her right there.
Bed. The kids get into it as Jane tells us that what James did with Alma was “very sweet and very nice,” and that he’s more attractive to her now. Tammy then loses many points with me, the guy whose opinion doesn’t matter to her in this game, when she talks in her faux-passionate voice about Alma reacting like it was Christmas Day and that’s why Tammy herself got so emotional. Tomas tells us that the competition is even right now. Fast-motion infrared cam of the night. Nothing really happens. Story of this show’s life.
As I watch the fast-motion camera in slo-mo, my cat calls my old job and tries to get me rehired.
Morning. The alarm. I hate that sound in my life, why do I want it on my TV shows? There’s a terrible sound edit of Tomas saying, “Anyone hungry?” as we see the three kids on the balcony, having already eaten. MM shows up, and they all faux smile at her. I wish I could faux recap this show. The only good thing about my life at this moment is that there is a fresh pot of coffee waiting for me in the kitchen…shit, I forgot to turn it on. So scratch that -- there is nothing good about my life at this moment. MM says that they’re going on dates, and by now we know and/or don’t care about the deal with the dates. Jane and Tomas will be “Lost In Paradise,” she says. “Wow,” says Tomas. “Feh,” says my cat. “Kill me,” says Stee. MM says that Tammy will have the opportunity to “bring Tomas into the world of the senses.” Tammy doesn’t say anything, so Tomas says, “Ooh,” and then they all laugh. Even these three numbskulls are making fun of MM and she doesn’t even know it. MM says that it’s a beautiful day (an ad-lib!) and to have fun.
The beach. Some rocky, craggy, terrible beach. A high-school drama crew has erected a five-by-five hut on a old medical-waste dumping ground. A production company temp in a sarong gives Tomas and Jane drinks and welcomes them to paradise, then leads Tammy on her longer chain away from the ghetto hut. Hee: to complete the paradise effect, there is a little sign stuck in the sand that reads, “Paradise.” Fucking hell, this show is cheap. My weekly Skittles budget is larger than the show’s. Jane and Tomas strip down to their bathing suits as Jane dumb-overs that she’s playing the game but she’s also? Getting to know Tomas? As a person? She wears two pieces of Glide floss as a suit. Tomas tells us that immediately they “[made] up for lost time.” And that’s the terrible thing; I will never get this lost time back. At the end of my life, I will have logged a few months total of watching bad reality television. Months I could have been loving someone or going on a trip or learning a new language. That’s the tragedy right there. Tomas and Jane sun themselves as Tomas babbles on about how the more things two people have in common, the better for their relationship. Oprah, here’s your new Dr. Phil right here. Genius. Tomas then segues into saying he’s become more attracted to Jane now that he can see her labia. No, he says that now they have discovered they have common ground. Tammy then says something I don’t understand about how there was no substance to Tomas and Jane’s conversation (that part I understand, believe me), but then she says she wanted to whip out a violin and go “back and forth.” Chalk it up to sunstroke. Or, well, yeah, the fact that she’s very very stupid. We get a shot of them holding hands on the beach, then sitting by the water. Jane tells us that the date was good, and they both recount the fact that Jane looks like some chick who dumped Tomas. We get it. Why do you not get that we don’t care? As they hold hands and look out at the water, the cameraman pretty much just sticks the lens inside Jane's ass. Jane tells us that she hopes she doesn’t hurt him as his chick did.
Short bus. They talk to each other like the emotionless robots they are, saying what a great date it was but looking like they’re discussing grouting. Jane then tells us that she thought she did great, but at the end of the date Tomas said that they could be “pals,” and she figured she probably lost him. We see Tammy sitting on the floor of the short bus (with no seat belt, I might add -- let’s all get the production company in trouble for that!), and she tells us that her plan is to let Tomas see her caring side and open up to him. Commercials.
If you go see A Knight’s Tale, you may never read my recaps again. Please. Just don’t.
Night. House. Michael Penn plays a little ditty on the guitar because he’s not busy doing anything else as Tammy tells us that Tomas has eyes that she can look into. Great. Great. Just great. I hate this show. Wearing stupid Mr. Miyagi robes, they head into some big room in the house, and we are told that “Tammy’s Date” is going to be “Intimate Sushi Dinner” and “Shiatsu & Sensuality.” There is a sushi chef waiting for them. Jane says that it’ll be weird to be the third wheel, but maybe Tammy and Tomas have a connection; we see her sitting on her long chain behind some rice paper wall.
The dinner. Tammy asks Tomas to do a shot with her, and Tomas gets all moral, and Tammy says that she thinks this is an issue for him, and The Cello of Worse Drama Than An Episode of Matlock begins to keen, and Tomas tells Tammy that he can open up to people without alcohol, and that when someone needs alcohol to open up it’s “just different from where [he is].” What about when you need alcohol to do a recap of a terrible terrible show? Is that okay? Tammy nods, but then grabs her head and laughs. Jane tells us that she didn’t expect their date to be “one issue right after the other.” Tomas now says, “You’re talking like I’m some kind of straitlaced freak or something.” Tammy laughs, desperately trying to have a good time and lighten the mood, but Tomas just stares at her like she peed on his Bible. Tomas then digs down from acting school when he was twenty-two, before he did those gay pornos that he really doesn’t want to talk about, and says, “This is pitiful.” Tammy asks why, and he launches into some diatribe about him saying green and her hearing yellow and how they’re not connecting. “Where are we missing each other?” he asks, all dramatic-like. “I don’t know,” she says, matching his tone, which makes me want to burn that Malibu house down. “I don’t want to miss you,” he replies, and suddenly I realize exactly what I’m watching. A bad acting-class improv, and trust me, I’ve seen enough of them to know. Hell, I’ve done enough of them to know. And it gets worse, people. We get nineteen hundred and four Blair Witch noises. They both can’t think of a line, so they look down, and then Tomas says, “Okay.” He tries to cry, and that’s Tammy’s cue to lean in and say, “Tell me what you’re thinking.” She takes his hand and whispers, “You just seem so emotional.” Tammy cocks her head and says, “We don’t have to make a decision to spend the rest of our lives together tonight.” What? What the hell is she -- ah, hey, fat man! It’s the Locksmith! Shit, I missed his fat ass. He comes into the room, and everyone sees and then they pretend not to, and Tomas quivers his lip trying so fucking hard to cry that he nearly pees his pants, and Tammy whispers something, and they kiss the kiss of the bad, and then Tomas “sees” the Locksmith and says, “He’s here again.” Okay, a four-hundred-pound Samoan in sunglasses and a huge black trench coat is in your fucking eye-line, and you’re going to pretend you don’t see him? At least, producers, since you can’t get the “actors” to make the moment work, make him actually sneak up on them or something. Really. I don’t ask for much.
Tomas stands between the girls, and he gives them each ten seconds to make their case. Jane says that they connected and she wants the chance to see if blah bleh bloo. Tammy continues her stellar acting-class work by whispering, “Tomas, my heart hurts right now.” That right there is the best line Chains of Love will ever produce. Thanks, Tammy. You should really kill yourself now, you know that. Anyway, she continues, “And I really don’t want to let it end on this note. And I just wanna be with you one last night.” Tomas takes a deep breath. He says that when he first saw this person he thought…oh fuck it. Who cares. He lets Tammy go. She nods and he lets her go. His hands are shaking from the sheer Latin passion running through his veins. He gives her two thousand dollars to help pay off her grad-school debt. Pamie calls me, having watched the show, and gets angry all over again when I tell her that I’m recapping Chains. “Tomas is such a fuckwad,” she says. “I’ve never said that word before in my life, but that’s exactly what he is.”
Oh lord. Tammy ain’t ready to go yet. She puts her hands on her face and drops to the ground, saying that she’s going to pass out. Everyone just looks at her. Finally she realizes no one cares, and she gets up and is led out by the Locksmith. Tomas and Jane laugh at Tammy, then hug. Jane says, “It’s not all that bad now, is it?” Man, Jane got to the end. Whore like a fox, that one.
Outside, Tammy, all distraught but really happy because the camera is still on her, gets into the short bus. She tells us that she doesn’t know what happened, and they were really physically attracted to each other but they just clash. Tomas says that just because there is chemistry doesn’t mean that two people are compatible. He’s sitting in the hot tub now with Jane, and they look like either a perfect hip urban “New Traditional” Christian couple, or like a commercial for the Hair Club For Men. Tammy says that Tomas wants a woman to always have the same views, and she doesn’t do that. Tomas says that he and Jane think the same things. Tammy tells us that Tomas has been hurt before and has “issues,” and they’ve made him end up with someone he “probably doesn’t want to be with.” Tammy offers to blow the cameraman if he’ll just keep filming her life, but he doesn’t, and Tammy disappears back into her life, into anonymity, into what obviously scares her the most.
House. Hot tub. Tomas said that Jane saw he was still emotional about the whole thing, and she hugged him, and “that felt good.” No, “those” felt good. About eight thousand dollars good.
The kids get into bed. Jane slut-overs that it feels good to be alone with Tomas, and she’s anxious and nervous to see what tomorrow brings. You know what ten minutes from now brings for me? Freedom. At least for a week. Goddamn. Tomas says that he doesn’t love her yet, but at least he’s open.
Infrared cam. Night. Dialogue:
Jane: I felt weird because I felt that you really wanted to pick her, you know?
Tomas: Sometimes what you think is good for you is really not.
Jane: Give me a hug.
Tomas: You want a hug?
Jane: Yeah.
Tomas: Okay.
Jane: I guess you’ve earned one.
Tomas: Really?(Suddenly, Edward James Olmos and Jimmy Smits walk into the room and drag Tomas from the bed, holding a shiv to his neck.)
Edward James Olmos: Look, Esse. You better stop claiming you’re Latin.
Jimmy Smits: Or we’ll kick the shit out of you, hombre.
Tomas: But Christina Aguilera claims she’s Latin!
Edward James Olmos: Bitch is .
Jimmy Smits: This is your only warning. Then bad bad things will happen. Got it?
Tomas: Got it.
Edward James Olmos: Oh, by the way. If you’re interested. I’m teaching acting at the Brentwood Playhouse now. Come audit a class.
Anyway, morning. Alarm. MM tells us that it’s the final day and only Jane remains and Tomas soon has to make his toughest choice. The Locksmith arrives, and Tomas and Jane stand on the balcony, looking at the view. They both voice-over mutual admiration, which no one cares about.
Distant Bell. They are summoned. MM takes a deep breath and tries to remember her line. MM is really the most incompetent speaker I’ve ever seen. “And so…” she begins, nodding her head like she’s acting out the words. Terrible. She makes Mark L. Walberg look like Walter Cronkite. Tomas releases Jane from the chains and then babbles. He tells her that when he first met her, he had preconceived notions which had to do with a “past hurt,” and then he decided to give her a chance and realized how much they have in common, so he’d “absolutely” like to pursue a relationship. He gives Jane half the remaining money, which she will use for a nipple lift. We see Jane packing as MM continues to drone her lines about Jane or the Locksmith being waiting for him in the courtyard.
Tomas unpacks, voice-overing that Jane has a presence (read: fake titties and an IQ of 70) and that he suspects he has a “spiritual connection” with her. Can anyone explain what that even means? Lord. Jane sluts that she saw a different side of Tomas, and that she’s trying to keep an open mind because you never know where something might go. Tomas tells us, with total confidence, that Jane is not in it for the money, as he climbs the stairs to the courtyard.
Courtyard. He walks out. Looks around. Nothing. Ha! Then the Locksmith appears from behind an archway. Ooh, diss! No she di’n’t! Tomas sees him. He sighs. The Locksmith approaches him like he’s gonna bend Tomas over the fountain and claim him as his property, but instead he leads Tomas away by the arm.
Short bus. Tomas rides as Jane lie-overs that she feels hurt herself that she might have hurt Tomas. Tomas sighs and says it hurts too much to think about. Ha. Jane tells us they didn’t have the ultimate spark she needs to drive a relationship. Yeah, he only drives a Honda. Tomas says that if he could see Jane, he’d thank her for teaching him a lesson not to judge a book by its cover. Bullshit -- if he saw her he’d weep and start quoting from the Book of Job. Tomas then gets one hundred dollars from Michael Eisner for saying to Jane, “You’ve got a friend in me.” Jane pretends for a second that she’s on Survivor or something at least semi-important and says that she thinks it’s an accomplishment that she came back from dead last to “win” the whole thing. She’s very excited. Incidentally, I would put up my couch, my cat, my laptop, and my new pack of Skittles that Jane would not have won if she didn’t have a boob job. She has about as much personality as James Brady.
Final shot of the Locksmith standing on the cliff, wondering if he should have two hundred hamburgers again for lunch or just cut out the middle man and eat a whole cow. Graphics. “Tomas never heard from Jane. One week later, Tomas contacted Tammy. Since then they’ve gone on dates, they’ve gone on trips, they just haven’t gone all the way.” She has, however, blown him nine times, and once when they were drunk she let him come on her face. But that graphic was banned by the network. I hate censorship.
week. A girl. Four guys. Ass-shaking. Arm-wrestling. Fake drowning. Bowling. Yelling. Sleeping. Me jumping out the window.
I hate you all. See you week.