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Episode Four. Over the hump. I�m so excited I could spit. I just did. The thing is, I haven�t had a cigarette for eight days. It doesn�t make this any easier. I haven�t been a very stable person. Seriously. My cat ran out and bought me a pack yesterday.
Anyway. So it�s just me and a pack of gum and the white-hot ball of hatred I feel towards Chains of Love. Let�s begin, shall we?
And yet again we get basically the same opening as the first three weeks, but slightly different: A woman�s voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Jamie Lee Curtis driving her Audi hopped up on Ibuprofen with a highball glass in one hand and her cock in the other. The woman: �Beautiful California. A place of romantic dreams and adventure.� Rock and roll! Shots that look like leftover footage from Blind Date! Oops, it�s made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, �Now the series Chains of Love explores the limits of romance as a man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex twenty-four hours a day. Witness the joy. The honesty. The competition. And the romantic connection.� Our host must have just riffed the same speech a hundred different ways. Because if they were actually taking the time to rewrite this opening trying to make it better each week, I�d be very very sad for those writers. Very sad. She continues, �In tonight�s episode, a man is chained to four gorgeous women and must learn to separate past pain from present pleasure.� So, either Madison or the writers obviously learned something about alliteration once when they were twelve and just sorta remembered it�s a �good� thing, and thus tried to bust it out here without really knowing what it does or how to use it well. So sad it sends Stee sobbing. A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. �Hi, I�m Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love.� Hey, y�all in the production offices of this show. Your shoes are untied. (Hee, I totally made them look. Tools.)
So we meet tonight�s guy, Tomas, who is a graduate student. He�s going to be moving into �this� house et cetera et cetera. Tomas in a park, wearing a yellow parka. Now we get shots of the girls picked because they have attributes Tomas likes. Well. I hope he said he likes �ho-ish girls who really want to be actresses but have lived in L.A. for seven years now and have only landed a few student films and thus decided to try to get discovered on the TV,� because that's what he seems to be getting.
Tomas tells us that he�s not looking for a one-night stand and that he�s a romantic. �Weird doesn�t excite me,� he says. Well, I already find him weird and he doesn�t excite me, so I guess we agree on that point. He holds a Frisbee (or just a regular flying disc, not necessary made by the fine folks at Frisbee, Inc.) up for his dog, who is a total spaz and who jumps and misses and makes me spit Skittles I�m laughing so hard. Then Tomas throws the flying disc, and his dog runs, and you can tell he�s about to totally miss it so they cut away. Man, even his dog is a dork.