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Episode Four. Over the hump. I�m so excited I could spit. I just did. The thing is, I haven�t had a cigarette for eight days. It doesn�t make this any easier. I haven�t been a very stable person. Seriously. My cat ran out and bought me a pack yesterday.
Anyway. So it�s just me and a pack of gum and the white-hot ball of hatred I feel towards Chains of Love. Let�s begin, shall we?
And yet again we get basically the same opening as the first three weeks, but slightly different: A woman�s voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Jamie Lee Curtis driving her Audi hopped up on Ibuprofen with a highball glass in one hand and her cock in the other. The woman: �Beautiful California. A place of romantic dreams and adventure.� Rock and roll! Shots that look like leftover footage from Blind Date! Oops, it�s made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, �Now the series Chains of Love explores the limits of romance as a man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex twenty-four hours a day. Witness the joy. The honesty. The competition. And the romantic connection.� Our host must have just riffed the same speech a hundred different ways. Because if they were actually taking the time to rewrite this opening trying to make it better each week, I�d be very very sad for those writers. Very sad. She continues, �In tonight�s episode, a man is chained to four gorgeous women and must learn to separate past pain from present pleasure.� So, either Madison or the writers obviously learned something about alliteration once when they were twelve and just sorta remembered it�s a �good� thing, and thus tried to bust it out here without really knowing what it does or how to use it well. So sad it sends Stee sobbing. A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. �Hi, I�m Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love.� Hey, y�all in the production offices of this show. Your shoes are untied. (Hee, I totally made them look. Tools.)
So we meet tonight�s guy, Tomas, who is a graduate student. He�s going to be moving into �this� house et cetera et cetera. Tomas in a park, wearing a yellow parka. Now we get shots of the girls picked because they have attributes Tomas likes. Well. I hope he said he likes �ho-ish girls who really want to be actresses but have lived in L.A. for seven years now and have only landed a few student films and thus decided to try to get discovered on the TV,� because that's what he seems to be getting.
Tomas tells us that he�s not looking for a one-night stand and that he�s a romantic. �Weird doesn�t excite me,� he says. Well, I already find him weird and he doesn�t excite me, so I guess we agree on that point. He holds a Frisbee (or just a regular flying disc, not necessary made by the fine folks at Frisbee, Inc.) up for his dog, who is a total spaz and who jumps and misses and makes me spit Skittles I�m laughing so hard. Then Tomas throws the flying disc, and his dog runs, and you can tell he�s about to totally miss it so they cut away. Man, even his dog is a dork.
We meet the first girl, who says that shes going to do her own thing and if it gets in somebodys way, too bad. Tomas then tells us that he likes someone to stay in shape and that hes all for that. Tool. So we meet the shaking woman, who looks like Margot Kidder hiding in the bushes. She says that she loves sports, and we see that her name is Shannon and shes a Fun-Loving Party Girl. Her quote: Im the antidote to boredom. She tells us shes outgoing and fun and crazy sometimes. (Wont that prove to be true.) I think shes drunk while shes talking. She says, I can go eat chicken wings and drink beer. Ill do that. Im a party girl. I can also crouch naked in the corner talking to my dead aunt and painting on the walls with my own feces.
Tomas gets in the short bus, and this week they have him look at Polaroids the girls took of their favorite body part in order to help him make a choice. He comments about someones leg.
House. Short girl. She voice-overs that shell be nice to people, but she expects that her patience will be tested. My club. Join it. Tomas then tells us that his past relationships have involved successful women. Shorty then tells us that at work shes very focused and career-driven. She bikes down Venice beach, and we see that she is Tammy. Athletic & Competitive. Her quote: Intelligence and intensity: Im the whole package. Okay, Tammy is pretty cute and looks a bit like Neve Campbell. But dont hold it against her. Im sure there will be plenty of actual reasons to hate her. She says she likes to have fun and she has good morals and she can hold [her] own financially. At the house, Tammy and Shannon shake hands warily. They eye each other. Low growls. Claws do come out, but they quickly retract. Butt-sniffing continues.
In the short bus, Tomas says that the girl with the belly must be a cute girl. Yes, of course she must, Tomas.
New girl. Blonde. Bimbo. Lord, she has one of those little-girl-woman voices that some guys like but that makes me nauseous. And wow, the way she talks all slow, with the occasional weird vowel sound that makes her sound Chinese, lends to her a certain air of, lets say, hardcore stupidity. She whore-overs that shes going to figure out her strategy as it goes -- play up what she has going for her. (Read: tits.) Tomas says, Im a Latin. Latins are known to appreciate shape. If Tomas is Latin, Im Hindu. What a dick. Blondie lets the air seep out of her head and tells us, having to think about it hard, that she works out five times a week! We learn that her name is Jane and shes the Bashful Bombshell. Her quote: My beauty is more than skin-deep. No. Its not. She tells us that most people dont know what shes really like, and she says shes very disciplined and likes to be challenged and likes the old fashioned way of a man treating a woman. Yeah, when he hit her in the eye because he had a tough day at work, made her cook him dinner, and then fell asleep on the couch watching Mannix? Great. Youre welcome to it. Jane meets the other two girls. Jane? She has a terrible way? Of ending every few words? Like its a question? I hate her.
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