So, the ratings are still terrible. Absolutely no one in the press is talking about the show whatsoever, except to lump it in with the worst this season has yet to offer. And I'm getting teased mercilessly for having been picked to recap such a piece of dookie. What is the bright side in all this? Only three more episodes to go. Plus, at least I'm not recapping The Lone Gunmen, as I almost did -- plus The $treet is long gone. Those are things to look at for encouragement, right? Right? Hello? Shit.
And yet again we get basically the same opening as the first two weeks: A woman's voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Ja Rule driving his Range Rover drunk on Mickey's over to Lil Kim's house for some booty action. The woman: "The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility." Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, it's made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, "Now in the new series Chains of Love a man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex twenty-four hours a day and there is no escape. Witness the joy. The honesty. The revelations." (Man, I love how each week they're just barely changing this opening speech. It's about as half-baked and cheesy as my just barely changing my recap of this opening speech each week. Tit. Tat.) She continues, "And the romantic connection. In tonight's episode, a woman chained to four men shares every word, every action, every feeling as she embarks upon an emotional journey she did not expect." A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. "Hi, I'm Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love" Do you think with each passing week these people hate themselves a little more, or do they get so caught up in making the show that they begin to think of it as good or ground-breaking, or like they're fighting some laudable battle and it's just that the world isn't ready for it yet? In case that's true, lemme wake y'all up here a second: It's not. It's not. And you're not.
So. We meet Jennifer. She's a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and she'll be moving into, yeah, the same nice house. We see her dancing, doing a high kick. She tells us that she's crazy. She'd have to be to still refer to herself as a "professional cheerleader" at age thirty-five. She says that she's not that open with her feelings and she likes to fly by the seat of her pants and needs someone who can keep up. We see the four men picked for having attributes blah blah bleh. One is standing by a pool, one serves drinks, one laughs on some stairs, and one jogs. Yeah, Jennifer has well-rounded tastes, that one.
First guy. Pool guy. He looks just like the gay dude from Melrose Place, but with darker hair. He stands in the house courtyard and looks around, voice-overing that he's going to be himself, and if she likes that he'll be picked and yeah, we know. That's what all you fuckers say, and then you start to change, man. You all change. I don't even know you guys anymore. Jennifer then tells us that "he" better not tell her what to do -- that doesn't fly with her. The guys says he wants someone aggressive who goes after her passion. His name is David -- the "All-American," reads the graphic. His quote: "Girls want me because I'm marriage material." He continues to talk, saying that he's "determined." To prove that he's determined, he informs us that he played baseball, football, and swam in college. Wow! At first I doubted his determination, but now I'm sold! He goes on to show how determined he is to fuck up the English language by saying, "Competing helps me to really feel who I am." Well said.
Jennifer gets on the short bus and this time, instead of getting presents, she listens to pre-recorded messages from each of the four guys. One guy says that he doesn't like a lot of drama and that he just tries to live his life. "Thank god," says the emotionally unavailable cheerleader.
A new guy who looks like Ed from Ed walks through the house, marveling. He dumb-overs that he's competitive but will not play dirty, and that he's addicted to some guy named Jim. Oh, no, he's addicted to the gym. Never mind. Jennifer tells us that she likes guys with nice bodies. Ed's name turns out to be Clinton. He's the "Bashful Bartender" and his quote is, "They say nice guys finish last, not this time." His smile takes up half of my TV screen. This show takes up half my life. He says that he's a nice person and goes on that he has "a lot of energy and a lot of positive energy." Linguists, these guys. He serves drinks as he tells us that maybe he'll meet the girl of his dreams. On this show? Clinton and David greet each other. "Wow," they say, talking about how cute the other one is, or about the house.
Meanwhile, in the short bus, Jennifer hears someone tell her that they hope she's everything they want, and also hope that they're everything she wants. I just hope you could follow that sentence.
Some odd-looking hick walks through the house. He chaws that he will be "Mr. Charming" or do whatever it takes. "Better watch out!" he yodels. Jennifer says that she likes to go and be outdoors. The hillbilly says that he is an outdoorsman. We learn that his name is Wade and he's a "Country Boy." He's also pretty creepy-looking. His quote: "I've got an easy charm the ladies love." Now he's even creepier. He continues that people like the "Southern thing" and seem to open up easily to him. He boxes at the camera. He then says, "It is bawks, crawls, or digs holes, it's good enough for me." I have no idea what he's talking about but, man. I haven't seen a neck that red since my Irish cousin Liam fell asleep on his stomach at the beach in Malibu. Wade arrives and greets the other guys.
In the short bus, Jennifer listens to Wade say he grew up on a chicken farm in Arkansas. It sounds like she says that's "frightening."
New guy. Jumping on the five-person bed. He voice-overs something about competition isn't pretty and it makes you harsh and that he's a sweet guy. Jennifer tells us that she's looking for someone cool and good-looking and fun. Some guy in a ski hat and big coat who looks like Marky Mark tells us that he's goofy and says, "I'm an okay-looking kid," in a way that makes you know he's loves the fuck out of his looks. His name is Chris, and he's the "Trouble Maker." His quote: "I'll make her love me or hate me." Good tactic. He says that he likes to have fun. We see him playing Connect Four, alone. Pretty sneaky, Chris. He says that he has to get out his stories and that he has a lot to say. He says that if people don't like that, they're going to have "issues." I have many issues, but most arise from me having to work on this crap-ass show. I need a beverage.
Short bus. Chris's voice tell her something about wanting to "high-five, ass-slap, and drink a soda." Jennifer laughs, confused.
House. Chris feigns pushing Clinton in the pool as he says, "Hey dude, what's up?" Clinton laughs. Greetings all around. The guys stand around and wonder what "her" selection process is going to be like as Jennifer arrives on the top balcony and eventually comes down the stairs. Clinton, then Chris, hugs her. She says that this is "so exciting" as David hugs her and lifts her up. Wade . Jennifer gives him the shortest hug, and people make great small-talk about how she's nervous obviously because she's going to be chained to them all. Great observation. Really.
The distant bell. The gay-ass "Ritual Room" with the floral prints and the candles and the terrible. MM reads her lines so stiffly, it's rather amusing. She talks about the always being chained and the money and the Locksmith and the voting people off the chain when he shows up. Got it. Then she has them stand and asks Jennifer which were her two favorite messages. They were from Clinton and Wade. Everyone is laughing as MM explains that they get to be chained on the inside, and we see the "Chaining Ceremony," and I'm just glad because it takes up thirty seconds and there's no dialogue -- just a shitty guitar lick that my cat could play if you gave her a pick and a Fender and a couple hours to practice. MM reminds them that, the time the Locksmith shows up, someone has to go.
Again. Same. They explore the house and what it's like to move around chained together. No one cares. Literally. Well, maybe the five of them, and perhaps a few crew members, but that's it. No one gives a shit. They put clothes away, and David says that Chris is starting to annoy him, and then someone voice-overs that being chained to three other guys is weird and that there is no telling what it may "hold." For some people, being chained to three other guys is simply a typical Friday night, so quit yer complaining.
, the five sit in front of a bank of TVs as they watch a videotaped message from Jennifer's ex back in Texas, Jim. Jim looks like a superhero. Jennifer tells us that seeing Jim was "shocking." Jim says that if Jennifer likes you, she'll hit you "like a ton of bricks" and you will be "exhausted." Jennifer buries her head in her hands and says, "Shut up, Jim!" Jim says the way to win Jennifer over is to ignore her, and then says that Jennifer comes across as an egotistical control freak but she's really the "sweetest thing" and has "so much love." Jennifer's eyes are filled with tears. Jennifer tells us that Jim changed her life and made her who she is. She goes on that Jim "touched" her; this is so dumb, now she's just going to be thinking about her ex the whole weekend. What's even dumber is that I'm thinking even this hard about the show. Wade now goes insane, telling us about some odd mental leap where the way Jim described Jennifer sounded just like girls he's been in "a relationship" with. He now starts talking to Jennifer, saying something about how he was married and had a baby who's eight and he hasn't seen her since she was four. He cries. Hee. He says, "I didn't want to talk about this," as Clinton and the boys look on shocked, dismayed, jealous, annoyed. They look like laughing, but they also look like they're wondering if perhaps Wade isn't an evil genius for showing this vulnerability so quickly, no matter how odd and retarded. Jennifer says, "Aww," and puts an arm around him. Someone else grabs his arm. David tells us that he genuinely felt sorry for him, but also felt that was the first step towards digging his own hole. Well, Wade loves things that can dig their own hole, so he should be loving himself right now. Wade wipes his eyes and the little heart icon beats and we fade to commercials. I'm buying whatever they're selling.
So we come back, and they recap the last few minutes since no one was watching most likely anyway. As if there is suddenly this whole new contingent of people watching, they once again explain how during the show they'll be able to talk to the camera while the others wear soundproof headphones. Still got it. Still don't care. Jennifer tells us that the first boy she noticed was Chris, and that there's something sexy about him. She doesn't feel like she knows Clinton enough, and finds David's body sexy. Right after she says she loves David's body, she says, "He reminds me of my dad." Ew. Ew. Ew. Jennifer then says, "You meet Wade and…what can you say. He's something else." Holy shit, that's funny. While she's talking, they just keep showing shots of Wade staring, slack-jawed. Poor dude.
Road. Short bus. Brewery/restaurant. Jennifer says she's hungry as they all, chained, head in to get some food. MM slut-overs that the show has planted two hot flirtatious young ladies at a nearby table, and "let's see if they take the bait." Ah, so Chains is trying something different to mix things up. And ah, so Chains realizes just how bad they suck. Because that's really the first step, isn't it? As Jennifer breaks with what she just told us by now telling David that she doesn't feel like she knows much about him -- and David natters on about how he did three sports in college, which is really pretty sad that it's all he can say about himself -- the girls wink and smile at Chris, and he smiles back. Chris then says over to the girls, who are taking off their jackets suggestively, "You girls are really doing some super stuff there." Hee. It's also funny how he interrupts the blathering-on David. Man. David is telling this long story about teaching and how he has this bag that he loves and he looks all pissed, and then Jennifer waves her hand in front of the now-ogling Wade, and the blonde girl heads over to their table. She asks, "What's going on with the chains," and David says that they just really all like each other. Ha…sorta. She then hands Chris the other girl's phone number, and Clinton and Jennifer watch, smiling but jealous -- for different reasons I assume -- as Chris says, "Wow. Thank you!" and shit like that. "She's cute," says Jennifer. Immediately, she then tells us, "I think she is completely a rude bitch for doing that." Hee.
The girls leave and wave, and then Chris tells us that girls always come up to him and that he's never had to approach a girl, and then he says something about how the fact that the girls came up to him at the restaurant proves that and blah blah blah deludedcakes. What a douche bag. David then tells us Chris was gloating that he got the phone number, and we go back to Chris, who says that had David received the number, he would have called the girl that night. Wasting my time, this fucking show.
House. The five walk, in chains, in their bathing suits, to the hot tub. The Music of My Destroyed Tuesdays plays as they all toast with drinks, and Wade hicks some saying, to which Jennifer tells him, "Simmer down!" Hot tub. Playing. Playing. Jennifer looks scared. I look scared. My cat looks scared as Wade laps at his drink like a frog. Lord.
Night. Thank you. Closer to the end of this day. Oh man, this is only Day One. Shit. I'm ready for sleep and it's only noon. The kids eat fondue on the balcony. Clinton makes a cheesy (no fondue humor intended) toast about how "truly blessed" he feels to be in these people's company. Jennifer then tells us that Clinton has a good personality, and Clinton in turn tells us that he did well at dinner and had a good feeling about it. The dinner continues as they all make an oath to tell the truth, Chris leading. Chris then asks Jennifer if she's thought today about having sex with any of the guys. She says yes. He asks if it's him, and then laughs. Someone asks Wade about pulling his pants down to impress a girl and what kind of reaction did he get. He says he got a threesome. Wade then tells us that he thinks Jennifer is a prude. Jennifer in turns says that "it" was funny, but now it's no longer funny. Insert your own "it" here.
The dinner continues. Allen says that once he and his friends played an entire round of golf naked. Jennifer doesn't look amused. Chris yells that this is the type of stuff David wasn't giving him before. David seems to like the attention from Chris. David then tells us that Chris had to come right back with a story to top it. Chris tells the group that he once got bet one thousand dollars to bowl the last frame naked, and he did it. He tells the story like he once saved a kid from a burning building, rather than doing some sorta gay frat shit once when he was drunk on sangria. There is now the worst exchange in the history of television, where Chris says that the photos are the best part, and David says that he has photos of the naked golf too, and Chris folds his arms and says, "Oh, really." And David says, "Yeah." And Chris says, "I'd like to see those," forgetting the gay subtext there. And David responds, "Really." Now expert behaviorist Jennifer says that she "senses" competition between David and Chris. Nooooo!
So now the fondue eating continues, and David says something I don't understand about how Chris was his competition and he thinks that now after dinner the tables have turned. What tables and turned how? Aw fuck it, who cares. Chris then tells us that he showed up here like a "pirate ship" to do some "wreckage." Is everyone on this show high? Why do I suddenly understand no one? Table again. Chris asks, in a really obnoxious Charlie Rose style, "Have you ever had sex with a married man?" Jennifer says, "Yes," and continues that it was not a one-time thing. David tells us that if she knew he was married, it would bother him. Chris says that the answer blew him away, coming from Jennifer. We focus in a long shot on the lights of the city below, Jennifer's former slutdom and homewrecker status now out there, ruining things.
Bathroom. The kids all brush their teeth, getting rid of all that fondue and all those lies. Jennifer says that things have changed, and that some people have gone up and some have gone down. The guys hope someone is going to "go down" tonight. Wade says that he senses competition, and David says that there is a "prize at the end." Clinton shares that his game plan is the same, to be himself…and to flash that goddamn massive smile, I imagine. This is funny -- Jennifer says, "Before I went to bed I was kind of scared of Wade." Join the club, sister. Wade then says that he was in the Army, and he's slept with fifty guys, and it doesn't bother him. Uh, I'm going to leave that one alone. Chris then says that no one gives "two flying flips" about being with Jennifer in the end, but rather that it's about walking away with some money. He says, "It probably sounds like I'm all about the money. And I am."
Night. Bed. Infrared fast-motion. Ha: Jennifer quickly slides over Clinton so she's between Clinton and David, in order to get away from Wade. Oh, now that's just sad.
Morning. They get up, groan, et cetera. Their first groan, my forty-ninth. As Stephanie's washing the Wade stink off of her, the guys, chained to a pole, are forced to watch a tape of MM talking on the television banks. If she doesn't have a man's dick in her hand, I suspect having them chained to a pole is just about the only way MM can get a man to listen to her. MM whores that under the monitors are four questionnaires for the guys to fill out; she encourages them to answer honestly. As they write and read the questions aloud, Chris says that he's trying to turn everyone against everyone, and David responds that it's working. Okay, this may be an even lamer dialogue than they had last night, which is pretty remarkable. Chris says, "Shut your mouth, dude." David comes back with, "Oh, you wanna fight?" Who calmly asks if another man wants to fight? He's either six or has some male-on-male aggression issues to work out. "Any time," says Chris. Then David says something about if he wasn't chained up he'd kick Chris's ass. Chris says that he knows he would and says, "Keep yappin'." Then Wade, either trying to break the tension or really just this clueless -- either of which seems plausible -- says, "Did somebody fart?" Everyone laughs, and the boys are happy again. Bonded by flatulence. I hate this show so fucking much. MM interrupts the fun to tell the boys to put the questionnaires back in the cabinet.
Short bus. The kids all arrive at a restaurant, and we get an eating montage. MM shows up and says, "Helloo, helloo." The kids all try to ask surprised as MM awkwardly repeats the lines she stayed up all night doing blow with her sugar daddy trying to remember, talking about the questionnaires and saying that there is a lie-detector guy down the hall, and it's time to go and see how truthful the boys were. Oh Jesus Christ this fucking show…wait, yo, I'm sorry. That's totally blasphemous using the Lord's name in any way connected with this television program. I'm very sorry. Everyone laughs and tries to act alternately surprised and then amused.
Chris, something caught in his throat, tells us that they are all sitting there as the polygraph guy is in a suit being all "Mr. Polygraph." We see that. Wade then tells us that his heart was "just pounding." Shots. Random shots. Blair Witch music. Mr. Polygraph, a stern-looking black guy, fiddles with some dials. Jennifer. Jennifer. David hooked up. Music again. Mr. Polygraph. Someone kick me in the balls. Jennifer now reads some of the questions as the hooked-up boys will answer. First is David. Jennifer asks if he thought her having slept with a married man was sleazy. David lies, "No." Clinton admits that he thinks Jennifer is sexually attracted to her, and then Wade admits he's paid for sex. Hee. Clinton says Jennifer is "high-maintenance," and Wade calls her "uptight" Mr. Polygraph smiles at this. The Dramatic Music of Non-Dramatic UPN Desperation Tactics is driving me up a wall. Chris croaks it for the prize money. Jennifer scowls. It's over. What a load of horseshit.
The restaurant. MM comes in smiling with the results. Everyone hates her. Wade is first. Wade was telling the truth when he said that Jennifer is uptight and that he paid for sex. All the boys laugh at this. Wade stutters, "It was my first night in Hollywood!" My first night in Hollywood I got drunk at a friend's house, ate McDonald's, and maybe cried a few times. But if I had to do it over again now…who knows. Now this is the worst: MM says that Clinton said he's the best-looking on the chain and then that this is "true." How is that then true? No, all it means is that Clinton indeed thinks he's the best-looking dude here. What crap. This show. Oy. MM then says that Clinton was lying, and that he has indeed lied to Jennifer during the show. Clinton acts shocked. MM acts smart. I act like I'm not suicidal. My cat doesn't bother acting anymore and has written on the window in dust, "Free cat. Please. Someone. Anyone." Now this also makes no sense, as Chris was lying both when he said that he's a "two-minute wonder" in the sack (this fucking show) and that he's in this only for the money. Why would he lie? Why should you all care? You shouldn't. Please read on. Now David. He lied when he said his main interest in Jennifer is not sex (it's probably money), and he also lied when he said that he didn't think Jennifer was sleazy to have slept with a married man. Thanks for the shocking revelation you already showed us. Finally, David was lying when he said his ultimate goal in going on a date is to get into a woman's pants. Everyone freaks out laughing. Why is that interesting? David says, "No. I don't think so." Whatever. New low point, right here. Shitty shitty shit.
Short bus. Jennifer says that she's very disappointed in the boys. Wade then tells us that he's more honest than the others, but he is from the South, so. Chris then says that David is sneaky and that he's obviously a bigger liar than he is. David then says that he wants Jennifer to trust him, but the liar detector fucks that up. Jennifer indeed says that she's bummed that David lied. Chris tells us that he's indeed not in this only for the money anymore, and that Jennifer has broken down some walls and obviously isn't a "dumb bimbo." Right, obviously.
They arrive at home, and the Locksmith shows up. Tension. Tension. Whatever. The kids do that terrible acting they're forced to do when they have to pretend they're upset and surprised. It's indeed my favorite part of the show. Wait, no. Second favorite part. First favorite part: commercials. Sweet.
MM recaps the Locksmith arriving, saying that this means someone has to go, and she quickly goes through the four guys and repeats that the gone guy will get some money and blah blah blah black-corn-cakes.
Courtyard. Jennifer says that the person she's decided to release, she doesn't feel like they connected, and she also feels that this person is acting at an immature level. It's Clinton. Dramatic music! He nods as he's unchained and given only five hundred dollars. They hug, and he's dragged away for some ass-beatings by the Locksmith. Jennifer says that she didn't feel like Clinton was honest with his feelings, whatever the fuck she's talking about. Clinton is being driven away, saying that he was disappointed that he didn't have more chemistry with Jennifer. Jennifer now. She says that on a "human" level, she didn't think they would click. Clinton is disappointed with the five hundred dollars because Jennifer spent more time asking the other guys questions. Jennifer whores that Clinton is not someone she'd want to spend much time with. The Locksmith drives on. Clinton says that Jennifer having the opinions she did, she obviously didn't do enough homework on him. Yeah, buh-bye.
House. Wade tells us that he thought Clinton would be Last Man Standing, and Chris then tells us that Clinton was his biggest competition. Man, someone in Malibu needs to go up and bitch-slap him right now. Anyone. Wade then says he has no idea why he's still there, and offers that maybe it's the new deodorant he's wearing. Ha. David says something that I'm not listening to.
Short bus. MM slut-overs that since Jennifer talked about spirituality being important to her, they're taking them all to a cemetery. The kids realize where they're going and say they're creeped out. Jennifer says that she doesn't deal with death well. Great choice, Chains, she hates it. And how the hell would it have anything to do with spirituality, anyway? The kids all get out and feign surprise again: "Woah!" MM no-talent-overs that the kids stumble across "renowned psychic Sherri Mancuso" (spelling approximate because I don't care enough to look it up), and we indeed see them come to a clearing with candles and a woman who looks like Sharon Osbourne. As the kids sit down, MM lies that Sherri has only been given names, photos, and birth dates of the kids, and then some dude waves some shit around to "protect the circle" against outside environments. Y'all know I'm very close to throwing my laptop out the window, right? Yeah? Okay, good.
So now The Music of Suck My Cock Sherri Mancuso starts as Sherri begins with Wade, telling him that he's been depressed for about two years and that "her guides" have told her he's trying to find himself. "Yeah," he says. Wow, I'm hooked! And impressed! Sherri reads the cue card, saying, "Chris, you remind me of a little leprechaun, hopping around from place to place with nowhere to go…" She goes on that he's trying to find some balance, and in relationships he gets bored and needs someone who's as eccentric as he is. Chris laughs. I cry. She asks if David has a brother (he does) and she says, "You're like twins," and David corrects her, "We're complete opposites." She doesn't hear and doesn't miss a beat, saying that they're very close. Hee. She says that his brother is going to be okay and is going through a difficult period. Sherri then checks her lines and tells Jennifer that, even before she arrived on set, she picked up a lot of sadness and "a death" surrounding Jennifer. She "guesses" that a male died angry in her life, and Jennifer nods and tears up; Sherri scares her by saying that he's still angry. Sherri walks close and tells Jennifer that he loved her and that she blamed herself. "Yeah," whispers Jennifer, doing some of her best acting since she played the Cobra in "Riki Tiki Tavi" in the fourth grade. Sherri puts her hand on Jennifer and says that if she can give any closure to her, she will. Sherri's DT-shaking hand reaches out and tries to wipe a tear from Jennifer's puffy cheek but just sort of hits air. Sherri needs a cigarette. So do I. Sherri walks away, and as the kids sit, the Locksmith shows up from behind them, walking through the fog. The kids act surprised again. Jennifer with her sweaty face. Commercials. My cat slaps me twice. I'm not kidding. Goddamn.
We're back. Wade and Chris and Jennifer and David all talk about how they were just getting close and how shitty it was to see the Locksmith. Bleh. Now Jennifer talks, saying how difficult the decision is and this person (Wade) is a fascinating person (Wade) and she's not feeling much of a bond (Wade) and this person is Wade. Of course. Wade nods; Chris hugs him very intimately. Jennifer unchains Wade and gives him twelve hundred dollars because she thinks he's an amazing person and she hopes he finds "that connection" with somebody else. As Wade and the Locksmith disappear, the others hug.
Short bus. Wade says that he enjoyed getting to know Jennifer. Jennifer says, "Wade definitely is…not completely my type." Oh no! Poor guy. Where most people are bitter, Wade seems very humble. He tells us that Jennifer said he was "fascinating," but he guesses he wasn't fascinating enough. Jennifer says that Wade is a funny guy, but it would get old very quickly. Wade bitches that he's in the "ride of death" while the other "three cats" are at the house drinking beer. Jennifer's right, he is funny, and she's also right that it gets old very quickly. Jennifer: "I was kind of scared of Wade because he really was making me nuts." Wow. Sad. Wade then says that he loves the American people and that he hopes he didn't let his friends in Arkansas down and that he'll "try harder time." This is like a concession speech at the Special Olympics. Bye, Wade. You're a winner!
House. Jennifer tells us that she thinks Sherri was very truthful; David says she was right on. Jennifer says that she was blown away, and that she's never blown away. Chris says that Jennifer is closed off, and Sherri agreed, and that much of it has to do with losing her ex-boyfriend. Sherri goes on that she lost her ex when she was eighteen, and that he died in a car accident, and that she felt a "release" when Sherri touched her. She thinks she'll be all right, now. ["Oh, for god's sake. What is this, an episode of The Others? Pas de fromage!" -- Sars]
Chris lies that he has a connection with Jennifer. David lies that he's grown so much over these few days. Chris says that it's a big bed for just two, as they get into it. Jennifer says that she doesn't know what she's going to do when the Locksmith shows up , because the two guys "balance" her. Fast-motion infrared cam. David rubs on Jennifer, kisses her back, then turns away when she doesn't respond. That's the night.
Morning. The alarm rings. The kids brush their teeth, then do some weird leg exercise and sit down to breakfast. Jennifer whore-overs that Chris is goofy, while David is funny but more serious. I just want to see the guys fight and kill Jennifer by mistake and then try to cover up the crime. That would be funny shit. David says that Chris is funny but hides behind his humor. Chris says that he has to show David who is the better man.
MM sluts out from another room to ruin their breakfast. She tells them they've done the two-date thing; Chris will be first, and David will trail behind. Chris's date is "Body Painting" and "Bubble Bath," the Graphics of Desperation tell us. They're down in the pool room, and Chris gives Jennifer a drink and makes a toast as David watches from a ways away. Chris deludedly tells us that lately he and Jennifer have been looking into each other's eyes and that there is something there. David says he had to watch the body painting and knew that Chris was winning some points, and David was jealous. Chris paints a closed-eyed Jennifer -- it looks like rainbow on her chest (I wonder where the pot o' gold is?) -- and then gives us the cheesiest line ever: he thinks he could be the guy to "unlock her heart." Okay, that's it. Get out! Fucker. He goes on that Jennifer needs to let go. He then gets in Jennifer's face and asks her how she feels about the whole situation. She sighs, and Chris says that he wants the adventurous girl on the videotape. She tells the pushy fucker that she wants to open up but just doesn't know how. Jennifer then says it's impressive that Chris is "open" and that it's something "most women dream of." Hee. "Most women," meaning "not me." But really, Chris is not open. He just pushes for her to admit shit, which means he's just emotionally manipulative, not open himself.
Now Chris walks Jennifer down the hall to take the bubble bath. Jennifer has serious camel toe in her outfit. David trails along, saying that he's jealous and that Jennifer looks beautiful, but he doesn't want to cheat and listen in too much. The bath. Chris continues to push, and now it's just irritating. He asks if Jennifer sees herself breaking down her barriers, and he wonders if she might be in New York (ah, she lives in NYC) and call Chris and ask him to come visit. What? You're supposed to be showing the girl a good time, not grilling her like an onion. David continues that he's going to let Chris dig his own hole. Jennifer tells Chris that she doesn't know why she holds back, and Chris baby-voices, "Ah, there's the runaway girl," and he whispers, "I wanna know. I wanna know. I wanna know. I wanna know." This is all such crap. Chris is a creep, and I'm glad it seems like at least Jennifer is starting to see what a chump he is. Chris then instructs us on life, that you have to risk getting hurt to find love and blah blah blah manipulation-cakes, and he then says that it is something he has to offer that David doesn't have. What is? God, I hate this. David then tells us that he won't underestimate Chris. Jennifer says that she'd prefer the Locksmith didn't come, because she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Then Chris says that he came to have fun and win some money, and now Jennifer has her hand on David's knee (she indeed does, we see) and David has the last word. David then tells us that Jennifer is drained, and he just wants to take her out to have some fun and make her smile; "she hasn't smiled in a long time," says David, and I realize that three days is in fact a lifetime in the hands of the right people. This show certainly seems to be lasting that long. Ah, commercials. Dear God, yes.
Coast. Short bus. David tells us that he thinks Jennifer is confused. In the bus, Chris sleeps and acts the fool. David's date will be "Romantic Dinner" and "Caviar Tasting." Chris is tangled in the chains. He sits in the corner as Jennifer and David taste caviar to try to figure out which one she likes the best. They eat off the same plate, and we see Chris with his eyes closed. Jennifer looks like, "What the fuck is this? Is this a fun date?" David is trying very hard, even though I don't think this is anyone's fault but the producers, and I'll just add it to my long list of things for which I need reparations for having to sit through. Jennifer's favorite caviar turns out to be the cheapest one, at sixty-six cents an ounce. They get a great laugh out of that. Yeah, Jennifer is trash. David says that Chris is like The Blair Witch in the corner, and I think he's trying to cap on Chris, but it's not working. He babbles about wanting to be active, and then when they discover they both like rock climbing, he tools that he thinks they now have a pretty good list of things they can do together. Jennifer, buying it, voice-overs that she rarely finds someone that she connects with on so many different levels. David lies to her face, saying that he's grown so much because of her; then he tells us that she's really seen stuff inside him now, especially without Chris butting in and telling funny stories. We see Chris putting a napkin on his head. David won't shut up, saying that whatever happens he'll be happy and that…then we get a shot close-up of Chris sipping a beer they just gave him, and the door opening, and the Locksmith entering, and Chris tries to act surprised. This is the worst so far. And yes, though the people who make this show are I'm sure nice and have families to feed and mean well, it is exactly faked moments like these that make me feel justified in saying, "You are all hacks. This is the worst show ever in the history of television. And you should all be at least a little bit ashamed of yourselves, especially if at some point you thought you were doing quality work. Especially then."
Jennifer gives them each ten seconds to plead their cases. David says it's been amazing and no one can take it away from them no matter what happens. They kiss. Chris goes all intense and whispery and then blows it, saying that he spent time with her, and if she hasn't figured what it is about him by now, he thinks they should spend some more time together. David and Jennifer laugh. I think Chris is still thrown by his own terrible acting back there. So now Jennifer says she didn't think she'd connect with two such different guys on this level, but that she's going to let go of Chris. He looks really upset and suddenly isn't so confident anymore. He hugs David, and then Jennifer unchains him. Quick! Before he cries! She gives Chris twenty-four hundred dollars. He smiles, and oddly, suddenly he's like a normal person, having dropped the schtick. All schtick, that boy. Sad. And a terrible actor to boot. He's not going to make it after all. He leaves. Jennifer and David kiss.
Short bus. Chris says he's bummed and hurt. Jennifer says she doesn't think she could have made this decision yesterday. Chris now goes stupid again, blaming getting cut on the fact that Jennifer can't open up. I don't get it. I used that tactic when I was in high school and it was kinda tired even back then. ["God, no kidding. As Regina once observed, 'Why can't you open up?' usually means 'Why can't you blow me and iron my shirts?' Shut up, Chris. Your shit is played." -- Sars] Jennifer says it hurt her to release Chris. Chris thinks Jennifer went the easy route by picking David. Jennifer says that she and Chris are both nuts and thus wouldn't make a good pair. Ah ha! I understand. She needs a sedate person so she can be the center of attention. Well, that makes sense and yes, it probably is the easy way out. Chris might be right about something. Who knew? Chris says that David outplayed him, but he doesn't think it's "the last chapter between Chris and Jennifer."
House. Night. Balcony. Tea. Jennifer says just that, that David is more stable and she needs stability in her life. David says that Jennifer is wonderful. Jennifer says that "deep down inside I've always been closer to David." Always? You mean, all three days? Wow. That's some fucking history, y'all. David then asks Jennifer what her favorite part of the whole thing has been, and she says that it's the cemetery part and talks about "the connection," and David was right to her during the whole thing and it was "pretty powerful," and David says, "You just wait." Jennifer sticks her tongue out, and they hold hands. Can we ban the word "connection" from this show? Please? That way it'll probably be, like, twenty minutes shorter.
Bed. They forget the lights and laugh. I hate them. Infrared cam. Our typical last-night dialogue, as snappy as ever, and if possible even less passionate than last week:
David: I enjoyed waking up to you the first morning…it's weird because my hand is so restricted. But I really want to have it around you.
Jennifer: You know…I just want to be to you.
Ooh, diss. She hates him. Ha. No underground sex tape to be made tonight. Commercials.
Morning. Mourning. The alarm goes off. MM voice-overs that it's the last day and one dude is left and Jennifer now has her toughest choice -- to decide if she wants to pursue a bleh blah bloo with bleh. Bathroom. Teeth-brushing. David says that he also has part of the choice here. They kiss. She shaves him. She whore-overs that having to chose makes her feel "all the emotions possible." All the emotions, Jennifer? Really? Wow. Now that's some strong choosin' you're fixin' to do. It's going to be tough, she says.
Breakfast. They eat crap off their fingers. David the genius tell us it has to be mutual, this relationship decision. The "distant" bell rings. They find MM. Jennifer releases David. MM blankly reads the line about how Jennifer now has to make the decision. Jennifer tells David that she originally came here just hoping to have a great time, and she didn't expect to connect with anyone the way she does with David, and it's been a long time since she's felt like this, and therefore she would "love" to pursue a relationship. David can say nothing and has to leave, after having gotten half of the remaining six thousand dollars. MM boots him from the room and, waking up just enough from her heroin daze to read the cue card, explains to Jennifer that if David is interested, he'll be waiting in the courtyard.
David walks upstairs, telling us that for once he has some control here.
MM sends Jennifer on her way and she walks up the stairs, saying that she doesn't know if he'll be there, and she can usually "think on her feet" but not when it comes to a relationship, whatever that means. She says she'd be "crushed" if David didn't want to pursue a relationship.
Courtyard. Locksmith on a balcony. Jennifer walks out. She sees David. They kiss. The Locksmith disappears, disappointed that he won't have another rejected contestant to eat. David gay-overs that everyone wants a "fairy-tale ending" (some more than others), and that it's tremendous to have it happen that way. Jennifer says that she just thought she'd meet some people but quickly learned that she had feelings for the guys. Jennifer and David walk upstairs, David voice-overing that to begin a relationship with such a "powerful" bond is good. Yes, what is between them is indeed powerful. My relationship pales in comparison. We all might as well give up because we don't have as strong a foundation as these two.
Locksmith. Cliff edge. Jump, Locksmith! A graphic says, "Several days later, Jennifer returned home to New York." Awwww. But wait! "Jennifer has now moved to Los Angeles, where she and David are continuing their romantic fairy tale" Yessssssss!
This show does do good work! I take it all back. Chains of Love producers. You're all right.
Scenes. week. The tape I have doesn't have them. Oh well. You'll just have to come back …aw, fuck it. I'm sorry.