So, the ratings are still terrible. Absolutely no one in the press is talking about the show whatsoever, except to lump it in with the worst this season has yet to offer. And I'm getting teased mercilessly for having been picked to recap such a piece of dookie. What is the bright side in all this? Only three more episodes to go. Plus, at least I'm not recapping The Lone Gunmen, as I almost did -- plus The $treet is long gone. Those are things to look at for encouragement, right? Right? Hello? Shit.
And yet again we get basically the same opening as the first two weeks: A woman's voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Ja Rule driving his Range Rover drunk on Mickey's over to Lil Kim's house for some booty action. The woman: "The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility." Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, it's made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, "Now in the new series Chains of Love a man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex twenty-four hours a day and there is no escape. Witness the joy. The honesty. The revelations." (Man, I love how each week they're just barely changing this opening speech. It's about as half-baked and cheesy as my just barely changing my recap of this opening speech each week. Tit. Tat.) She continues, "And the romantic connection. In tonight's episode, a woman chained to four men shares every word, every action, every feeling as she embarks upon an emotional journey she did not expect." A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. "Hi, I'm Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love" Do you think with each passing week these people hate themselves a little more, or do they get so caught up in making the show that they begin to think of it as good or ground-breaking, or like they're fighting some laudable battle and it's just that the world isn't ready for it yet? In case that's true, lemme wake y'all up here a second: It's not. It's not. And you're not.
So. We meet Jennifer. She's a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and she'll be moving into, yeah, the same nice house. We see her dancing, doing a high kick. She tells us that she's crazy. She'd have to be to still refer to herself as a "professional cheerleader" at age thirty-five. She says that she's not that open with her feelings and she likes to fly by the seat of her pants and needs someone who can keep up. We see the four men picked for having attributes blah blah bleh. One is standing by a pool, one serves drinks, one laughs on some stairs, and one jogs. Yeah, Jennifer has well-rounded tastes, that one.
In the short bus, Jennifer listens to Wade say he grew up on a chicken farm in Arkansas. It sounds like she says that's "frightening."
New guy. Jumping on the five-person bed. He voice-overs something about competition isn't pretty and it makes you harsh and that he's a sweet guy. Jennifer tells us that she's looking for someone cool and good-looking and fun. Some guy in a ski hat and big coat who looks like Marky Mark tells us that he's goofy and says, "I'm an okay-looking kid," in a way that makes you know he's loves the fuck out of his looks. His name is Chris, and he's the "Trouble Maker." His quote: "I'll make her love me or hate me." Good tactic. He says that he likes to have fun. We see him playing Connect Four, alone. Pretty sneaky, Chris. He says that he has to get out his stories and that he has a lot to say. He says that if people don't like that, they're going to have "issues." I have many issues, but most arise from me having to work on this crap-ass show. I need a beverage.
Short bus. Chris's voice tell her something about wanting to "high-five, ass-slap, and drink a soda." Jennifer laughs, confused.
House. Chris feigns pushing Clinton in the pool as he says, "Hey dude, what's up?" Clinton laughs. Greetings all around. The guys stand around and wonder what "her" selection process is going to be like as Jennifer arrives on the top balcony and eventually comes down the stairs. Clinton, then Chris, hugs her. She says that this is "so exciting" as David hugs her and lifts her up. Wade . Jennifer gives him the shortest hug, and people make great small-talk about how she's nervous obviously because she's going to be chained to them all. Great observation. Really.
The distant bell. The gay-ass "Ritual Room" with the floral prints and the candles and the terrible. MM reads her lines so stiffly, it's rather amusing. She talks about the always being chained and the money and the Locksmith and the voting people off the chain when he shows up. Got it. Then she has them stand and asks Jennifer which were her two favorite messages. They were from Clinton and Wade. Everyone is laughing as MM explains that they get to be chained on the inside, and we see the "Chaining Ceremony," and I'm just glad because it takes up thirty seconds and there's no dialogue -- just a shitty guitar lick that my cat could play if you gave her a pick and a Fender and a couple hours to practice. MM reminds them that, the time the Locksmith shows up, someone has to go.
Again. Same. They explore the house and what it's like to move around chained together. No one cares. Literally. Well, maybe the five of them, and perhaps a few crew members, but that's it. No one gives a shit. They put clothes away, and David says that Chris is starting to annoy him, and then someone voice-overs that being chained to three other guys is weird and that there is no telling what it may "hold." For some people, being chained to three other guys is simply a typical Friday night, so quit yer complaining.
, the five sit in front of a bank of TVs as they watch a videotaped message from Jennifer's ex back in Texas, Jim. Jim looks like a superhero. Jennifer tells us that seeing Jim was "shocking." Jim says that if Jennifer likes you, she'll hit you "like a ton of bricks" and you will be "exhausted." Jennifer buries her head in her hands and says, "Shut up, Jim!" Jim says the way to win Jennifer over is to ignore her, and then says that Jennifer comes across as an egotistical control freak but she's really the "sweetest thing" and has "so much love." Jennifer's eyes are filled with tears. Jennifer tells us that Jim changed her life and made her who she is. She goes on that Jim "touched" her; this is so dumb, now she's just going to be thinking about her ex the whole weekend. What's even dumber is that I'm thinking even this hard about the show. Wade now goes insane, telling us about some odd mental leap where the way Jim described Jennifer sounded just like girls he's been in "a relationship" with. He now starts talking to Jennifer, saying something about how he was married and had a baby who's eight and he hasn't seen her since she was four. He cries. Hee. He says, "I didn't want to talk about this," as Clinton and the boys look on shocked, dismayed, jealous, annoyed. They look like laughing, but they also look like they're wondering if perhaps Wade isn't an evil genius for showing this vulnerability so quickly, no matter how odd and retarded. Jennifer says, "Aww," and puts an arm around him. Someone else grabs his arm. David tells us that he genuinely felt sorry for him, but also felt that was the first step towards digging his own hole. Well, Wade loves things that can dig their own hole, so he should be loving himself right now. Wade wipes his eyes and the little heart icon beats and we fade to commercials. I'm buying whatever they're selling.
So we come back, and they recap the last few minutes since no one was watching most likely anyway. As if there is suddenly this whole new contingent of people watching, they once again explain how during the show they'll be able to talk to the camera while the others wear soundproof headphones. Still got it. Still don't care. Jennifer tells us that the first boy she noticed was Chris, and that there's something sexy about him. She doesn't feel like she knows Clinton enough, and finds David's body sexy. Right after she says she loves David's body, she says, "He reminds me of my dad." Ew. Ew. Ew. Jennifer then says, "You meet Wade andwhat can you say. He's something else." Holy shit, that's funny. While she's talking, they just keep showing shots of Wade staring, slack-jawed. Poor dude.
Road. Short bus. Brewery/restaurant. Jennifer says she's hungry as they all, chained, head in to get some food. MM slut-overs that the show has planted two hot flirtatious young ladies at a nearby table, and "let's see if they take the bait." Ah, so Chains is trying something different to mix things up. And ah, so Chains realizes just how bad they suck. Because that's really the first step, isn't it? As Jennifer breaks with what she just told us by now telling David that she doesn't feel like she knows much about him -- and David natters on about how he did three sports in college, which is really pretty sad that it's all he can say about himself -- the girls wink and smile at Chris, and he smiles back. Chris then says over to the girls, who are taking off their jackets suggestively, "You girls are really doing some super stuff there." Hee. It's also funny how he interrupts the blathering-on David. Man. David is telling this long story about teaching and how he has this bag that he loves and he looks all pissed, and then Jennifer waves her hand in front of the now-ogling Wade, and the blonde girl heads over to their table. She asks, "What's going on with the chains," and David says that they just really all like each other. Hasorta. She then hands Chris the other girl's phone number, and Clinton and Jennifer watch, smiling but jealous -- for different reasons I assume -- as Chris says, "Wow. Thank you!" and shit like that. "She's cute," says Jennifer. Immediately, she then tells us, "I think she is completely a rude bitch for doing that." Hee.