Okay. So the ratings weren't very good. The reviews were scathing. The general interest in the media was virtually non-existent. But you know what: it's UPN! What the hell else are they going to run? You can only show so much wrestling and new versions of Star Trek on one network. So I guess we're stuck with Chains of Love for at least five more weeks. Let's end the pain as quickly as possible and get started, shall we?
We get the same opening as last week, which I thankfully don't care enough to alter and will just repeat with minor changes: A woman's voice. A shot of Pacific Coast Highway, minus Jake Busey driving his Harley high on Quaaludes heading to pick up his dad from the methadone clinic. The woman: "The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility." Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, it's made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, "Now the new series Chains of Love shatters that calm as one gutsy" -- they added the "gutsy" for some reason --"man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex. Witness the anger. The honesty. The competition. And the connection. In this episode, a woman begins hooked to four men but will end up with only one. There is no way to escape. Twenty-four hours a day, everywhere they go, everything they do, they will be linked together." A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. "Hi, I'm Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love." Lord. Here's the funny thing: someone is getting paid to write that crappy, nonsensical voice-over. Here's the sad thing: someone is getting paid to write that crappy, nonsensical voice-over, and it's not me.
So MM voice-overs that this week Stephanie, a writer and model, will be moving into the house. (Funnily enough, I don't buy that she is either.) And, aw, it's the same gorgeous house, but man, what a rip-off. I sure hope they changed the sheets after last week. They show us the house, including the big bed where nothing will happen because this show is just that lame. Maybe some cuddling, but I can get that with my cat…if I could only get her to hold still. So Stephanie is jumping around her apartment in her Jordache jeans, telling us that she is adventurous. Then she holds up some panties and t-shirts airbrushed with sayings like "Bad Girl" and "Dynamite" and says, "I just have this, like, innate ability to design clothes." Ha. Seriously, it is just shitty airbrushing on clothes. It's the exact shit you get some stoner at the beach to do out of the back of his van for five bucks and a couple smokes. Well, now I'm impressed, yo -- she can not only model and write, but she can spray-paint "Angel" onto the front of a g-string. Fucking renaissance woman, this one. I won't mention the fact that Stephanie looks like she's been rode hard and put away wet. That would just be mean.
We then see the four dudes Stephanie is going to be chained to, all four of which have been chosen because they have attributes that she said she likes in a man, like: "has a cock," "owns his own car" and " reminds me in a subconscious way of my emotionally unavailable and low-level-abusive alcoholic father." So the first dude walks into the courtyard. He says that he will win because he'll keep doing the "little things." Stephanie tells us that she likes "intellect" and someone who will take the time to understand her. As someone who covers the base of "intellect," then, we get this Jason, who sounds like yesterday he was catchin' crawdads down in the local crick behind the Piggly Wiggly over yonder. Jason leans against a tree and a graphic quotes him as saying, "I'll win 'cause I'm just that damn charming." I hate this show 'cause it's just that damn terrible. He goes onto say that he graduated "cum laude" from NYU, which I did as well, minus the "cum laude" part…but I did win "best resident" on my floor one semester for helping put out a fire that I'd secretly started by passing out with a lit cigarette in my mouth. Jason tells us further that there is a little "scoundrel in every Southern gentleman" (or at least there's one tied up in every Southern gentleman's tool shed). Jason stands on the balcony of the house marveling at the view.
Meanwhile, we see, Stephanie rides in a short bus on the way to the house, yes, opening little gifts given by the dudes.
A new guy arrives, who says that his strategy is to just be himself and if she doesn't like it, screw her. Stephanie then tells us that she's liked "bad boys" in the past. The new guy, Allen, tells us that he's not going to treat a girl "like a princess if [she's] being a bitch." Hee. Allen's quote is, "I don't like to lose, I don't want to lose, I'm not going to lose." Man, I hope he loses. He works out, explaining that he hits the gym "too much" and that he puts it before everything -- we see him very gayly staring into the mirror and admiring his own pecs. Loves that male physique, he does, even if it is on himself. He arrives in the house, finding Jason. They slap hands and then immediately commence ignoring each other.
Stephanie. Short bus. She opens a teddy bear. "How cute is that?" she asks. Not very, honey.
House. New guy. Blond with crazy sideburns. Pete. He voice-overs that he is just going to be himself and that he's a "real guy." Stephanie then tells us that a sense of humor is the most important thing in a man to her. You know, all women say that, but if it were true, then…oh wait, Pauly Shore dates strippers and Bobcat married the chick from Nikki and even Carrot Top is a notorious playboy. Huh. Okay. Never mind. So the dude tells us, "Oh, I'm a total card. I'm always going twenty-four seven." Hey, I have another favor, just like last week. Can we all collectively agree to put "twenty-four seven" to bed? Thanks. So Pete's quote is, "I'm going to make her want to be with me," which is scary. He says that being a pro beach volleyball player is "awesome." He says that he hangs at bars, goes dancing, and parties hard. Man, what a card, this guy. Making me laugh already, and he's not even trying. In the kitchen, he looks at the wine and considers starting to drink though it's only 9:00 a.m. He meets the other dudes outside.
Short bus. Stephanie. She sprays some perfume and gags.
Last guy arrives. Jack. Short pudgy Italian guy. He's sort of talking to himself as he arrives, throwing a coin into the fountain for luck. He tells us that he's not going to be predictable and that he's going to make his move in his own time. He, and then Stephanie, both talk about the importance of passion, and to highlight the incredible passion burning within Jack's fiery Italian soul, we see him jogging near the Hollywood sign. His quote: "My secret weapon is my personality." He says that he's an "Acting Manager" and we see him on the phone, yelling at someone: "Well, do you want to live out in L.A. or what?" Man, I'm hiring that fucker. What a great manager. He has huge eyebrows and they move all over his face as he Guidos out and tells us that he's basically an "Italian, fun-loving guy." He meets the other three guys and introduces himself in a creepy, in-your-face way I'm sure he learned in some weird Scientology acting class he took "just for the contacts." The guys all call each other "bro."
Short bus. Stephanie puts on a terribly ugly bracelet with a silver heart and pronounces happily that she loves it.
House. The guys sit in the courtyard and talk about their presents. Jack interrupts Pete, joking that the already-drinking-beer Pete probably bought Stephanie a six-pack. Pete looks pissed but then tries to switch it up. Stephanie arrives, calling down from a balcony, "Hi, Romeo." No one knows who she's talking to. The guys introduce themselves, all casual, but still pissing all over her immediately. Pete goes in for an inappropriate hug. All that Corona at 10 a.m. is taking its toll. MM voice-overs, "A distant bell summons them all into the ritual room." Man, this is my favorite part. "A distant bell"? What, is it out on some mountaintop in the Angeles National Forest or something? And with the chintzy fabrics and candles, this place looks like Paul Lynde's rumpus room. They all enter, and MM greets them. You can pretty much make out the color of Stephanie's areolas in her shirt; I think she has a nipple ring. MM starts whoring about how they are all about to be chained together in the sacred ceremony and will be chained twenty-four hours a day and then when the Locksmith dude shows up she'll have to unchain one guy and then decide what portion of ten thousand dollars each man deserves. MM then has them stand and asks which of the presents she liked the best. She says, "The blow," but they edit it out and instead she says that her two favorites were the bracelet and the teddy bear; Jack and Pete will be chained, then, on the inside. Just to her, I mean, not actually inside -- that'll take at least a couple glasses of red wine and a compliment about her hair. Stephanie looks very upset that two goofy guys will be to her. My cat looks very upset that she lives with me. Montage. Chaining. Montage. Slo-mo. Ugh.
The group begins to explore the house and finds quickly how awkward it is to be chained together. They sit down to lunch, and Stephanie opens a little book just like last week; the guys were shown tapes of girls including Stephanie, and then they were asked to write what they thought about the girls. Some of the guys moan. I don't like guys to moan near me. But hey, that's just my quirk. All the guys giggle as Stephanie laughs and looks around and then momentarily has an acid flashback from her days going to Joan Jett concerts in her senior boyfriend's Camaro, brought on by the fact that she's once again wearing Jordaches, just like back then, but she snaps out of it, drops her glazed eyes, and starts to read. Jason gave her a four out of ten for looks, and said that he usually dates hotter women and would not want to sleep with her. Jason drinks his beer. The other guys crack up. Stephanie smiles but also looks like she wants to cry. Jason mumbles that her tape was bad and didn't look like her. Pete gave her an eight and said he would want to sleep with her. Jack gave her a seven, but said she was "one-night-stand" material. He went on to say that she would have to grow on you like "Phoebe from Friends." The guys laugh, but Jack starts yelling in his defense, "No, that's cool! Because when you first saw her, compared to Aniston…" All the guys are talking at once and Jack is just yelling and man, it's funny. And also, I love that because he's some shitty actors' "manager" who probably works out of his one-bedroom in Sherman Oaks, he feigns familiarity and the comrade-ishness to call Jennifer Aniston just by her last name. But Stephanie ruins everything by telling us that she thought it was not only sweet but "accurate" to call her Phoebe, even though she much more closely resembles an extra sitting in Central Perk wondering how to sneak off and blow Gunther to hopefully get a line or two. Stephanie continues that Allen gave her a five. Everyone laughs. Stephanie gets mad and tells Allen to shut up. He goes on that it was partially her dress, and that it looked like someone had put a "drape" over her. What a wooer, this guy. She tries to explain the sleeves, but Allen says that it looked like a clown suit. Pete and Jack go back and forth quoting Seinfeld by saying, "Puffy shirt!" and laughing into their hummus. Well, those two are obviously gone. Man, four douche bags. Stephanie says nothing offended her except the four and goes on, "I got set up with the four biggest clowns in the city." Allen has a good line when he comes back with, "Well, you were wearing the clown suit." Stephanie comes back with, "No," but that's all she has and the guys all laugh. She throws the book behind her and says, "I hate that." Uncomfortable silence. The Music Of My Wasted Day plays as we slide to commercial, Stephanie saying, "You guys suck." I love that, at least for now, the guys are all ganging up on her. That's the only way to possibly make this show interesting. But then again it's pretty sad when the only way to make a show any good is to start breaking the rules already by the second episode. Bodes ill.
House. Morning. Stephanie tells us that she doesn't like to pre-judge people like the guys did, that it doesn't feel good. Uh…okay. I do, however, like to judge people, pre- and post-. Otherwise this ain't no fun for no one. So I'll commence. The "chain gang," as MM terribly calls them, head to a supermarket to buy food for the couple days. Jack tells us that being chained is like being married -- that you have to ask permission to do everything and you're "helpless." No, that's called being five years old, not being married. The kids shop. They shop. People stare. It's just that fucking exciting. Expert sociologist Stephanie tells us something about human nature adapting to the environment and says she's becoming an animal of this environment. She adds that the guys "can't run away," which I take to be a problem she's had in the past.
House, again. Poor neighbors. Having to have this terrible show filmed door. I'd rather open my neighborhood to Yes, Dear than this shit. Property values are dropping left and right as we speak. We hear once again that the kids can speak to the camera every once in a while as everyone else puts on headphones. Stephanie goes through the guys, saying that Pete seems the most mature. Uh, are we talking about the same Pete? She must mean Pete Sampras or something. Allen is cocky, which is a turn-off for her. Jack is intense and eager to please. She says that Jason is for sure the first to go. Now the guys all cook dinner for her, acting like idiots. They continue to pee all over Stephanie every chance they get, which is something she seems trashy enough to not mind having actually happen on a particularly wild night. Pete kisses her head and she says, "Love love love love" in a little-girl voice. My cat tries to jump out the window but just flumps against the screen and runs into the closet. Dinner is cooked. Stephanie tells the guys that they have one chance to impress her. She asks Allen what he's done, and he says he made salad and drinks for everyone. Pete says that he "helped get the fish" and then brats that the conversation is over. Hee. Pete has a big yellow tooth which is bugging me. So are the sideburns. So are the bad jokes. So is the…well, the Pete. Stephanie then waffles and says that Jason redeemed himself by taking charge; he tells us that he hopes she appreciates it. I'm now hungry for waffles. Man alive, am I bored. Nap time…
Dinner. Table. Montage. We don't have to sit through it. Thankfully. Hootie and the Blowfish do some jangly instrumental music that takes us into the hot tub room, where the tools and the whore get more drunk and soak their wannabe-actor bones. Someone is spilling a drink into the pool, and it looks like Allen is dipping his tea bag into Stephanie's drink. I'll leave that one alone. Allen tells us that Stephanie is not someone he'd normally go after, and he finishes his eloquent thought by saying, "But you know, it takes time." Jack's huge eyebrows tell us that Stephanie grows on you, while Pete says that she is a "funny girl" and that she has a good look. Suddenly, the guys all turn twelve and accuse Stephanie of farting in the hot tub. She gets pissed as Pete slurs that when you've had too much to drink, bathroom humor is funny. So for Pete, bathroom humor is hysterical every night. ["Hey, I'm with Pete. Well, except for the 'when you've had too much to drink' part." -- Sars] The camera slides down Stephanie's body slowly as the guys continue to rag her. Stephanie whines that the humor is not funny and that it's just a way for the guys to put her down. Man, by the way she's arguing, I'm pretty sure she did let one go in the tub. Things grow more uncomfortable as Stephanie then tells us that she just was trying to get to know the guys better while they preferred to make "vile" jokes. I guess I'd be pissed too if I were trying to go down on four people and they just kept cracking jokes. Allen then makes it clear what the show isn't telling us -- that Stephanie was trying to read some questions from the producers designed to make the guys open up, but as Allen says, guys don't open up that easily. A shot of Jason staring at Jack's huge belly and licking his lips. It's pretty funny. Pete babbles to us again, telling us that Stephanie got frustrated but he doesn't think it ruined his chances. Wrong, party of one. Your short bus home is ready for you.
The chain of fools head to the bathroom and brush their teeth as Jack lays out his game plan to us, which has something to do with lying low and the tortoise and the hare and sliding in that way. Does it also have something to do with hypnotizing her with those huge caterpillars hovering over your eyes, because that may be the way to go. Jason hicks about his plan, which ends with, "I'm not going to sell her the moon when all I got is a star." Huh. That was sort of eloquent. I must be tired. Allen then talks about his plan, saying, "I'm pretty real. I'll pretty tell you [sic] straight out…" and then he peters out, realizing he's already walked himself into a linguistic black hole. He ends by saying you either like him or "sorry." No apologizes necessary, douche bag. Bed. Stephanie tells us that things have changed, and that one person can say one thing to make her feel better, and I don't understand her, and neither do the producers so they cut away soon and show the fast-motion infrared cam of the kids all asleep. I love the fact that the guys have to cuddle up all to each other. Maybe they'll think twice time about agreeing to be on a show like this.
Morning. We see the kids being released one by one to go to the bathroom and shower. I just keep thinking about the fact that with all the drinking going on, people are having to pee constantly and thus they have to keep letting them go. Man, I'd just pretend to have to pee, then sneak out and go play some videogames at the arcade or something. Come back feigning food poisoning. Stephanie tells us that the sleep-over was "fun" and then says that Allen was "purring like a kitten." Isn't that just a way of saying "snoring" when you obviously want to jump someone's bones? Breakfast. Cooking montage. I don't follow what's happening. Stephanie says that today is going to be interesting and that she's now getting to know the guys better. We see her getting to know the guys better -- over coffee they talk, Jason whining about his parents' divorce. Stephanie tells us that when guys talk about their life experiences, she wants to reach out, and "it's like 'I want to save you.'" Oh, is this woman in for some nasty relationships. She then asks the guys if they've been affected by break-ups, and they all say yes. Wow. What a good question. "Hey guys, who here has ever eaten a bagel? Wow, now I feel like I know you so much better." Pete blahs about a break-up. I don't care. Allen says that he has a "big defense against women." No!
Short bus. Stephanie whores that one person in the group is standing apart from everyone and that's not what she needs in her life. This isn't what I need in my life either, but you don't hear me complaining. Oh, yeah you do. Never mind. MM voice-overs that two neighbors, "Ed and Jim," set up an obstacle course on their property so the kids could test their team skills. We see Ed and Jim in matching green windbreakers, sitting on an old camper back and watching the straight kids play in their backyard. Almost like college for these two. Stephanie reads the instructions, and we get a look at the lamest obstacle course I've ever seen. Man, I used to build more challenging obstacle courses with pylons and firewood, and I was six at the time. Basically, they have to inflate a raft, carry it over a two by four (on the ground), through six tires (on the ground), and then up over a cargo net four feet high. They start. There is a little yelling as they pump up the raft. Stephanie jumps in the raft as they carry it. Huh. This is like watching the losers' bracket of the Special Olympics. At the end, as they bust through the cargo net, the kids run into the Locksmith. The funniest part is the way they try to act all surprised, as this is obviously a set scene. Jason says, "Oh snap!" and Allen jumps back and makes his mouth into an O. Lord. These kids could act cold in a blizzard.
So we get sort of a recap of the day, after again getting a shot of the kids with the bad acting, in which Jason is just the funniest thing ever. MM voice-whores that Stephanie has known these clowns for less than two days and now has to decide who she's going to let go. I love the Locksmith, if only because, knowing how things work in Hollywood, I bet he's the exact opposite of his persona here in real life. Probably has a high little squeaky voice and raises poodles or something. Montage. Montage. I'm tired. MM continues to babble, introducing each of the guys again and saying that all four have both insulted and amused her. Stephanie, that is. Not MM. While they're off playing the game, I'm sure MM is auditioning for douche commercials or something -- which, by the way, she'd probably be pretty good for. Stephanie starts talking, saying that the person she's letting go started out great, but then things changed when they all started drinking, and that person is Pete. Pete just nods, anxious to get to a bar, as it's almost like 2 p.m. and he's still totally sober. She unlocks him and, oh, I just got this: she says that because he got "demonic" and "mean," she's giving him sixty-six dollars and six cents. See. 666. The number of the beast. Wow, I thought that was cool when I was twelve, listening to Iron Maiden albums. And Stephanie is like forty, at least. Huh. Anyway, Pete laughs, and actually, with his crazy yellow tooth, he does look sort of demonic. Stephanie voice-overs as Pete is driven away by the Locksmith, preparing to be anally raped by UPN execs (I don't know what that means, it just sounded funny alla sudden). She says that Pete got frat-boyish and boring and she least likes to be bored when she's with a guy. Sure, beat her or undermine her confidence with verbal abuse, but don't suggest that she farted in the tub. Please.
Short bus. Another short bus. We go back and forth with Stephanie and Pete talking to us. Pete thought it started great. Stephanie is happy she won't have to hear Pete yelling in her ear anymore. Pete bitches that as long as he treated Stephanie like a princess, she liked him, but when he saw how "negative" she was, she got colder. Yeah, it makes little sense to me either. Stephanie says Pete is not her type. Pete lies that he had no interest in Stephanie and he couldn't fake it. Goodbye, Pete.
House. Kitchen. The kids make mixed drinks. MM tells us that the competition for Stephanie heats up. Jack is glad Pete is gone. Jack is wearing an orange sweater. Allen predicts that Jason will be the to go. Jason asks Stephanie if she has a sordid past. Stephanie says that she has a relationship in every major city. I don't know if she's joking; I'm hearing "ho ho ho" and it ain't anywhere near Christmas. She then says that she's slept with fat men before. Jack asks if she was on top or bottom, and she gets offended. Jack starts yelling that she was the one who said blah blah blah orange-sweater-cakes. Stephanie says that she was kidding and tries to end the conversation, and then says it's low-class. Allen tells Jack that Stephanie likes him, not Jack. Jack pouts.
Night. Short bus. Fight. Everyone's drunk and Jack tries to apologize to Stephanie and Allen butts in. Jack calls Allen "Mr. Spotlight" and Stephanie then does too. Jack continues as Stephanie loves the attention sooooo much. She needs this shit to survive. She seems like the type of person who would shrivel up and die if she had to be alone for three days straight. Would call every old boyfriend in a three-state radius and beg them to come over, saying she loved them. But I'm just sayin'. I could be very wrong. Jack kisses her ear. Then Allen kisses her on the mouth. "I can do that!" yells Jack. Jack kisses her, but she resists, then lets him, reluctantly. Jack is so gone. Jack then tells us that he feels very confident. Hee. Jason is sitting on the floor of the short bus, all alone. Ha.
Ice-skating rink. The kids lace up and start skating. Jack is terrible and falls, pulling everyone down with him. So now a referee comes out (this show is so fucking gay, in case I haven't said that shit enough) and the lights get all dramatic, and they read from a card that they're going to play Strip Hockey. Basically, they just shoot at a goal, and if they miss, the ref cuts off a piece of clothing. I hope he's steady with those scissors, boy. The Guitar of Complete UPN Desperation (they just cancelled All Souls, this show's follow-up, for getting like a 1.5 share) plays as we get a retarded Hockey Montage. The kids are soon half naked and man, Stephanie has a good body but it's ruined by her little self-airbrushed panties that say "Bad Girl." I hate everyone. It's time for some "acting" again as the Locksmith bangs on a window up above and Stephanie reads the line, "Oh no. Twice in one day." And like in some Patrick Swayze eighties action movie, the guitar starts grinding and whining in some "rock 'n' rowwlll!!!" hissyfit of impending hijinx as we fade -- not nearly soon enough -- but finally, to three minutes of blessed commercials.
I'm briefly surprised that UPN could convince anyone to advertise during this shit, but then I see it's only, like, AM-PM, some kiddie horror film, and then ads for other crappy UPN shows no one watches.
We're back. I'm sorry. Stephanie says that the dude she's letting go was outgoing and made her laugh, but they had come between her and someone else, which she thought was unfair, but she's going to let Jack go. He says, "Wow!" and looks at Stephanie all questioningly, like, "How could you, baby? We had something real!" She gives him fifteen hundred dollars, to which he puts on his CasualJack face and says, "That's cool. I'll take it." They walk away from Jack as Stephanie slut-overs that the fact Jack was so shitty at hockey and un-athletic sealed the deal for her. Oh please -- she just wants her some Allen-meat. Blah blah blah justification-cakes. Jack gets into the short bus in a virtual flood, getting his feet all wet. Again, we go back and forth as a very upset Jack says that Stephanie should "enjoy this" because it's the only time she'll have this kind of power. And anyway, he would never date her so whatever you know it's all good. Stephanie says that Jack was "stepping all over Jason" and it's something that just had to be done. Yeah, so is Allen. BitterJack ends by wishing Stephanie good luck and saying that once the money is gone, her days are over. Ciao, Jacky.
Night. House. Allen tells us he's surprised she picked Jack. The guys talk, saying they don't know how to feel about all this now. Stephanie says that it was really intense. They quickly all brush their teeth and go to bed. We again get the infrared fast-motion montage of the sleep, and if you go slowly, you can see that basically Stephanie is in Allen's arms all night and Jason is just constantly lifting his head to see if Stephanie is giving Allen a hand job now or if it's the other way around. Poor Jason. Fifth wheel keep on turning. Proud Stephanie keep on whoring.
Morning. Alarm. Balcony. The kids look out at the water. They talk about snoring. Stephanie is just touching Allen constantly. She tells us that she does much better in a small group, but then reveals what she truly means by saying, "When the attention is more on me." Yeah, there you go. The kids go into the kitchen to encounter a smiling MM, drinking coffee in her whore shirt. MM says that she's "stunned," because the last time she saw them Jason and Allen were on the outside. Brilliant observation, MM. Also, great job acting "stunned." Stephanie says that the two Southern boys needed their opportunity, and Allen pipes in that he "made" his own opportunity. MM and Stephanie get all "no you di'int!" on him, but Stephanie quickly drops it when she looks at Allen's muscles. MM tells them they'll be going out on the dates like last week.
Allen and Stephanie enter a room in towels with Jason trailing behind on a longer chain. Allen tells us that at first he wanted to leave the house, but now he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to lose. Allen pretends this is all his idea as we see some Swedish whores all around the pool room, and he says that he's arranged for massages and facial and other spa shit for them. We get a montage of luxury as the two talk about why they're single. Stephanie says she'd rather be single than be with someone who isn't perfect for her. Sad Jason sits against the wall and tells us that being on this date with them is not his idea of a good time. Recapping this show is not my idea of a good time. Allen sits with his facial and his towel with his legs crossed. Then they get massages, and Stephanie asks Allen where he sees himself in ten years. He lies, saying hopefully married with kids. Stephanie tells us that the date was a good way to feel "warmer" with each other, and we see that they're holding hands. Bleh. Allen thinks "bleh" too. Jason: "Bleh." Stephanie: "I looooove this man." They sit in robes and drink and eat cakes and shit, and Allen tells us that they're "some sort of something there." Ah, true love. Stephanie says Allen is teasing her, and there's something with an orange rind, and man, I don't care. Jason sits in another room through the glass doors like a peasant waiting for a morsel of cake to be dropped. Allen says that he had walls up when he first came there, and Stephanie says that he was an "asshole." Yeah, and that's exactly why she loves him so much. My theory still holds perfectly. He says it's not an act, but rather "insecurity." He hates admitting it, but Stephanie says that all people have insecurities. Oh, what-the-fuck-ever. Blah blah blah gay-tea-and-cake-cakes. Allen tells us something about how he says "shocking" stuff and Stephanie gets it. Then she tells us that Allen covers up insecurities with attitude. Get that girl a fucking psych degree. Jason then tells us that he thinks he connects with Stephanie better because the few times they've looked at each other, there's been "something there." Yeah, she's been wondering how to get you the fuck out of there, homeboy. Jason then says, "Bottom of the ninth. Two outs. I'm swinging for the bleachers." Hee. Heh. Someone kick my ass, please. My cat jumps on my head and meows threateningly into my ear. I know, baby. I hate me too. You know what I love, though. Yup. Commercials.
Mummy Returns. Really, you can tell Universal doesn't even care, man. Queen Latifah does an ad for some ghetto credit card. Missy Elliott has totally stolen her gig. Poor Latifah.
We're back. Shit. Jason says that this date is his shot. Short bus. He tells Stephanie that they're going to dinner, and someone is going to play the guitar, and they might dance and drink and walk on the beach. Allen stares at them like, "Ooh, dancing!" Damn! Stephanie listens and then says, "Really," like he told her he's going to poo on her head. We get graphics of the components of their date, and Pamie tells me that my show is the gayest show ever. She laughs for five minutes at the different fonts they put on the screen reading, "Jason's Date. Walk on the beach. Romantic dinner. Dancing." She keeps laughing, and I kick her out of my apartment. Well, but yeah, this really is the gayest show ever. As they eat in some shitty room on the beach, Jason tells us that what he has over any of the other guys is that he and Stephanie can carry on a conversation. Their stunning conversation consists of Stephanie putting forth her theory about eating out on a date being very sexy, because people have "different passions for food." That's right, Stephanie. Very good. Now shut the fuck up before I bitch-slap my television. "The food speaks of the person," adds Allen. "Right!" says Stephanie. "Fuck," says Stee. Allen sits in a corner, eating fries from a Styrofoam container. Hee. Allen tells us that when Stephanie was talking with Jason, she wasn't herself. Now the kids are dancing with Allen walking behind them. It's kinda funny. It's also kinda funny because it's just some friend of Jason's playing the guitar. This is the worst date ever. Stephanie lies, telling us that when Jason danced he was in his element because he was in control. She adds that he was able to lead her, which is very "manly" and is very attractive for her. I have nothing to add. Now they walk on the beach, with Allen drinking wine out of the bottle he's supposed to be holding for them and butting in. Stephanie gets "annoyed" at him. Stephanie thanks Jason for the date, also lying because he's so out of there it ain't even funny. Well, okay, yeah it is. Allen tells us he was jealous on the date. Stephanie says that the date was "elegant," and then she says it reminded her of Fred Astaire and -- yeah, I'm not even going to bother finishing this sentence, this is such a gay show. Jason tells us with a stupid smile that he had a great time on the date, and even he knows he's gone, you can tell. Jason says he swung for the fences and now we'll see if it "stays fair or not." On the beach he toasts her and says, "Second chances?" Stephanie lies, "Yeah."
Night. House. The three kids sit on the balcony drinking, of course, as Stephanie says that she had a really good time on her two dates. She says that it was "magical." After Jason babbles, Allen says that he hopes Stephanie had a good time with the massage and shit, and Stephanie asks if he's threatened by Jason. She laughs, eating a strawberry, or a poisoned apple. I'm hoping the latter. They argue a bit as Allen then tells us that of course Jason's date was good, because there was drinking involved. Jason then deludes himself, saying that Stephanie smiled on their date a few times, and "not in a shallow, or plastic, or superficial way," three adjectives which describe this show perfectly. Stephanie says that she thinks she did a good job bringing it down to those two. The Locksmith shows up as they babble on. It's raining again, so the big Samoan holds an umbrella, which always makes him look like a big ol' gay Mary Poppins.
House. Stephanie asks Allen why he should stay. He thinks they got off to a rocky start, but he feels a big connection that shouldn't be split apart. Jason then says that there's everything left to say and nothing left to say, so if he stays or goes he's had a great time. Eloquence, thy name is Jason. Stephanie now. She says the person she's letting go started on the wrong foot; with perseverance he's made her laugh but ultimately was unable to really understand her, and that person is Jason. She apologizes as Allen nearly cries with happiness. She lets Jason go and gives him two thousand dollars. He looks bummed as he shakes Allen's hand and goes. Allen says he has a headache. Get in the Advil line, bitch.
Short bus. Jason says he thought things had turned, and that he doesn't agree with Stephanie that they didn't connect. Stephanie says that "there was nothing there." Jason says he got a vibe and saw looks. Stephanie says that she felt no attraction or passion. Jason is happy she had a good time with him. He thinks that he didn't "go down like a chump" but went down swinging. The baseball analogies are over, buddy. As are you. Goodbye. The Locksmith drives him home. They stop at Canters to get soup and to chat.
House. Night. Stephanie and Allen eat, and Stephanie says that she knew yesterday Allen would be the last one. Allen says that Stephanie was being a different person with Jason. They kiss. They sit by the fire. They play in the hot tub. Stephanie says that the "feeling of wanting to be in his arms" is something she's looking forward to. Huh? She means it with all her heart, she tells us. C'mon, you can say you just want his cock. We won't tell.
Bed. Infrared cam. We get subtitles. Allen rubs against her. They talk. Like Neil Simon, this sparkling dialogue.
Allen: How are you feeling?
Stephanie: Right now? Curious.
Allen: Curious about what?
Stephanie: Just everything.
Allen: What are you curious about?
Stephanie: I'm curious about…you…and…
Allen: You feel there's a connection between us?
Stephanie: Yeah. I'm very attracted to you.
Allen: Do you think something's going to happen after this?
Stephanie: I don't know.
Allen: Do you want it to?
Stephanie: I don't know…I think I do.
They kiss, terribly. Zero passion. The little Chains of Love heart icon throbs. It's the only thing on the screen that's throbbing. I love commercials.
We're back. I'm sorry. Morning. MM bitch-overs that Stephanie faces her toughest choice: whether to pursue a relationship with Allen or send him on his way. I also face a tough choice: whether to shoot myself in the head or in the heart. The kids look at the view, and Stephanie points out snow on the mountains in the distance as Allen ignores her. They eat breakfast as Stephanie voice-overs about the beauty of being in Allen's arms and feeling something "warm and wonderful." He came on your thigh, lady. That's not true love. Another distant fucking bell summons them as they go into the whatever room and MM tells Stephanie to unchain Allen. As she does, MM asks if they managed to have fun. Allen says, "A little bit." Ha. MM then reads her cue cards, telling Stephanie that she has to now tell Allen whether or not she wants to pursue a relationship. Stephanie tells Allen that she didn't think so at first, but now she thinks their connection has made her feel that she does indeed want to pursue a relationship. Oh, how exciting. Allen can't say anything, and Stephanie gives Allen half the money and then he leaves. He voice-overs that he was pretty sure Stephanie was going to say she indeed wanted to pursue a relationship. I think she'd pursue a relationship with pretty much anything with two legs and a Visa card at this point in her life. Allen walks upstairs, saying that he now has the power and that's what he likes. As she packs, Stephanie tells us that she is unnerved, but trusts Allen and thinks he'll be waiting for her in the courtyard, as the rules state he should be if he indeed also wants to blah blah blah black-corn-cakes.
Stephanie runs up the stairs, anxious to start yet another unfulfilling and doomed relationship. She looks…and there he is. She says, "Thank God," and jumps into his arms. She says she was panicking and Allen enjoys it. He feels her heart beating as he tells her that she now knows what she did to him the last four days. She is very happy and Allen says "awesome" blandly and says that he has to go. He voice-overs that at first he was there for the money, and not at all because he, Allen, super-stud, couldn't get a date on his own. But now that he's met someone he gets along with, "Great." He sounds about as excited as he'd be if there were a new Arli$$ on this week. Stephanie voice-overs that in the past she's been "crushed," and she's not sure now that they are ready for a relationship, but she'll see. And as we get a final shot of the Locksmith gazing out at the water, wondering if he could eat a boat, we get graphics: "Stephanie and Allen met for dinner the night and began their relationship free of chains. The relationship lasted three days." Yes! Another Chains of Love success story! Holy fucking crap.
Scenes. week. Some former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader with four guys. They do shit. Stuff happens. Swimming and whatever. Eating. Drinking. There's something with a séance or something. I'm crying just thinking about it. Until then: Bleh.