Okay. So the ratings weren't very good. The reviews were scathing. The general interest in the media was virtually non-existent. But you know what: it's UPN! What the hell else are they going to run? You can only show so much wrestling and new versions of Star Trek on one network. So I guess we're stuck with Chains of Love for at least five more weeks. Let's end the pain as quickly as possible and get started, shall we?
We get the same opening as last week, which I thankfully don't care enough to alter and will just repeat with minor changes: A woman's voice. A shot of Pacific Coast Highway, minus Jake Busey driving his Harley high on Quaaludes heading to pick up his dad from the methadone clinic. The woman: "The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility." Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, it's made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, "Now the new series Chains of Love shatters that calm as one gutsy" -- they added the "gutsy" for some reason --"man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex. Witness the anger. The honesty. The competition. And the connection. In this episode, a woman begins hooked to four men but will end up with only one. There is no way to escape. Twenty-four hours a day, everywhere they go, everything they do, they will be linked together." A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. "Hi, I'm Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love." Lord. Here's the funny thing: someone is getting paid to write that crappy, nonsensical voice-over. Here's the sad thing: someone is getting paid to write that crappy, nonsensical voice-over, and it's not me.
So MM voice-overs that this week Stephanie, a writer and model, will be moving into the house. (Funnily enough, I don't buy that she is either.) And, aw, it's the same gorgeous house, but man, what a rip-off. I sure hope they changed the sheets after last week. They show us the house, including the big bed where nothing will happen because this show is just that lame. Maybe some cuddling, but I can get that with my cat�if I could only get her to hold still. So Stephanie is jumping around her apartment in her Jordache jeans, telling us that she is adventurous. Then she holds up some panties and t-shirts airbrushed with sayings like "Bad Girl" and "Dynamite" and says, "I just have this, like, innate ability to design clothes." Ha. Seriously, it is just shitty airbrushing on clothes. It's the exact shit you get some stoner at the beach to do out of the back of his van for five bucks and a couple smokes. Well, now I'm impressed, yo -- she can not only model and write, but she can spray-paint "Angel" onto the front of a g-string. Fucking renaissance woman, this one. I won't mention the fact that Stephanie looks like she's been rode hard and put away wet. That would just be mean.
We then see the four dudes Stephanie is going to be chained to, all four of which have been chosen because they have attributes that she said she likes in a man, like: "has a cock," "owns his own car" and " reminds me in a subconscious way of my emotionally unavailable and low-level-abusive alcoholic father." So the first dude walks into the courtyard. He says that he will win because he'll keep doing the "little things." Stephanie tells us that she likes "intellect" and someone who will take the time to understand her. As someone who covers the base of "intellect," then, we get this Jason, who sounds like yesterday he was catchin' crawdads down in the local crick behind the Piggly Wiggly over yonder. Jason leans against a tree and a graphic quotes him as saying, "I'll win 'cause I'm just that damn charming." I hate this show 'cause it's just that damn terrible. He goes onto say that he graduated "cum laude" from NYU, which I did as well, minus the "cum laude" partbut I did win "best resident" on my floor one semester for helping put out a fire that I'd secretly started by passing out with a lit cigarette in my mouth. Jason tells us further that there is a little "scoundrel in every Southern gentleman" (or at least there's one tied up in every Southern gentleman's tool shed). Jason stands on the balcony of the house marveling at the view.
Meanwhile, we see, Stephanie rides in a short bus on the way to the house, yes, opening little gifts given by the dudes.
A new guy arrives, who says that his strategy is to just be himself and if she doesn't like it, screw her. Stephanie then tells us that she's liked "bad boys" in the past. The new guy, Allen, tells us that he's not going to treat a girl "like a princess if [she's] being a bitch." Hee. Allen's quote is, "I don't like to lose, I don't want to lose, I'm not going to lose." Man, I hope he loses. He works out, explaining that he hits the gym "too much" and that he puts it before everything -- we see him very gayly staring into the mirror and admiring his own pecs. Loves that male physique, he does, even if it is on himself. He arrives in the house, finding Jason. They slap hands and then immediately commence ignoring each other.
Stephanie. Short bus. She opens a teddy bear. "How cute is that?" she asks. Not very, honey.
House. New guy. Blond with crazy sideburns. Pete. He voice-overs that he is just going to be himself and that he's a "real guy." Stephanie then tells us that a sense of humor is the most important thing in a man to her. You know, all women say that, but if it were true, thenoh wait, Pauly Shore dates strippers and Bobcat married the chick from Nikki and even Carrot Top is a notorious playboy. Huh. Okay. Never mind. So the dude tells us, "Oh, I'm a total card. I'm always going twenty-four seven." Hey, I have another favor, just like last week. Can we all collectively agree to put "twenty-four seven" to bed? Thanks. So Pete's quote is, "I'm going to make her want to be with me," which is scary. He says that being a pro beach volleyball player is "awesome." He says that he hangs at bars, goes dancing, and parties hard. Man, what a card, this guy. Making me laugh already, and he's not even trying. In the kitchen, he looks at the wine and considers starting to drink though it's only 9:00 a.m. He meets the other dudes outside.
Short bus. Stephanie. She sprays some perfume and gags.
Last guy arrives. Jack. Short pudgy Italian guy. He's sort of talking to himself as he arrives, throwing a coin into the fountain for luck. He tells us that he's not going to be predictable and that he's going to make his move in his own time. He, and then Stephanie, both talk about the importance of passion, and to highlight the incredible passion burning within Jack's fiery Italian soul, we see him jogging near the Hollywood sign. His quote: "My secret weapon is my personality." He says that he's an "Acting Manager" and we see him on the phone, yelling at someone: "Well, do you want to live out in L.A. or what?" Man, I'm hiring that fucker. What a great manager. He has huge eyebrows and they move all over his face as he Guidos out and tells us that he's basically an "Italian, fun-loving guy." He meets the other three guys and introduces himself in a creepy, in-your-face way I'm sure he learned in some weird Scientology acting class he took "just for the contacts." The guys all call each other "bro."
Short bus. Stephanie puts on a terribly ugly bracelet with a silver heart and pronounces happily that she loves it.
House. The guys sit in the courtyard and talk about their presents. Jack interrupts Pete, joking that the already-drinking-beer Pete probably bought Stephanie a six-pack. Pete looks pissed but then tries to switch it up. Stephanie arrives, calling down from a balcony, "Hi, Romeo." No one knows who she's talking to. The guys introduce themselves, all casual, but still pissing all over her immediately. Pete goes in for an inappropriate hug. All that Corona at 10 a.m. is taking its toll. MM voice-overs, "A distant bell summons them all into the ritual room." Man, this is my favorite part. "A distant bell"? What, is it out on some mountaintop in the Angeles National Forest or something? And with the chintzy fabrics and candles, this place looks like Paul Lynde's rumpus room. They all enter, and MM greets them. You can pretty much make out the color of Stephanie's areolas in her shirt; I think she has a nipple ring. MM starts whoring about how they are all about to be chained together in the sacred ceremony and will be chained twenty-four hours a day and then when the Locksmith dude shows up she'll have to unchain one guy and then decide what portion of ten thousand dollars each man deserves. MM then has them stand and asks which of the presents she liked the best. She says, "The blow," but they edit it out and instead she says that her two favorites were the bracelet and the teddy bear; Jack and Pete will be chained, then, on the inside. Just to her, I mean, not actually inside -- that'll take at least a couple glasses of red wine and a compliment about her hair. Stephanie looks very upset that two goofy guys will be to her. My cat looks very upset that she lives with me. Montage. Chaining. Montage. Slo-mo. Ugh.