All right. You may be saying to yourself right now, "Stee. What the hell did you do to deserve first Road Rules, then The $treet, then Temptation Island, and now most likely the low point in television history, (and that includes Bette), Chains of Love?" I don't know. I really don't. I must have killed puppies or robbed old ladies in a life. Someone get me a Ouija board because I obviously have some serious bad juju to work out. I suppose the only good way to look at it is the reality that there is absolutely nowhere to go from here but up. Plus, this is only six episodes. (And I can pretty much fucking guarantee you there ain't going to be no special seventh episode added because the ratings are so good like with TI.) At least there's that. Also, at least shows like this are what's sure to be the downfall of reality television. It's like the retarded kid at school who comes along and insists on playing kickball with you and your friends; you can't say no and you let him play, but pretty soon the game just falls apart.
And a quick disclaimer: after Road Rules I swore I wasn't going to get so wrapped up in recapping everything, but then I did with Temptation Island anyway. Well, I can absolutely guarantee that feeling the need to get every shot and line of dialogue down won't be a problem here. I have better things to do. Like cleaning my toenails.
So we begin. God help us all.
A woman's voice. A shot of Pacific Coast Highway, minus Jerry O'Connell driving his Del Sol drunk on Coronas heading to a beach party at Tara Reid's house. The woman: "The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility." Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, it's made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, "Now the new series Chains of Love shatters the calm as one man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex twenty-four hours a day. Witness the anger. The honesty. The competition. And the romantic connection. In tonight's episode, a man chained to four women presses hard to get to know his chain-mates as he strives to find a perfect match." A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. "Hi, I'm Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love." Lord. Here's the funny thing: someone is getting paid to write that crappy, nonsensical voice-over. Here's the sad thing: someone is getting paid to write that crappy, nonsensical voice-over, and it's not me.
Note. Main downfall of this show already clear: there is a whole new cast every week. Great idea, not allowing us to get to know anyone. Brilliant!
MM continues to talk, saying that Andy, a Hollywood stuntman (by "Hollywood" I think they mean "works in the every-fifteen-minutes stunt show on the Universal Studios tour") will move into a house (it's a gorgeous house, I'll give them that) with indoor/outdoor pools and a gourmet kitchen and big bed made for five. Andy talks to us, telling us he's a "stunt guy" and that he's always doing stunts where he falls off tall things. We see shots of him fighting, obviously from some terrible B-movie. He then plays the guitar and says that he likes to go "camping and do all that cliché-ish guy stuff." (Well, I heard something from someone who knows the guy in real life -- that he likes to do more "guy stuff" than just camping, if you follow my drift. Chains of Love has a real crack screening department, I'll tell you.) Motorcycle. Motorcycle riding on valley street. Stopping on the motorcycle. Staring into camera with creepy eyes. He wants someone who can tell him what they want. Here's what I want: a new show.
Now his chain-mates, all four of whom represent "attributes" that Andy says appeal to him. (Ironically, none of the four seems to have a cock.) The first girl walks into the courtyard of the house, saying that it's about the money and getting the guy, but we don't yet know the rules so this means nothing to us. Then again, it'll most likely mean nothing to us even when we do know the rules, so carry on. She is Kerstin and she spells her name funny. She likes "extreme sports," like going shopping at Ross high on speed. She's a "Free Spirit," a graphic tells us. We also get a quote: "If he likes adventure, I'll be there at the end." She tells us that she's a dancer (not a stripper) and that she bikes and rollerblades. She goes on that she's not much of a bad girl. Kerstin looks through the house, searching for a purpose in life, but instead just looks at the view. Meanwhile, Andy rides in a short bus. The girls have all sent him snacks for his trip to try to make a good first impression. Man, two minutes in and already I fucking hate this show. Andy tells us he's not a big cookie fan. Thanks, Andy. At the house, a woman who scares me, catering to Andy's craving for small women, talks in a strange Irish or something accent, saying that she "[rips] in up in the gym and [trains] like an absolute bugger." She is Nicki. Ah, she's Australian, as the Gay Graphic calls her the "Aussie Bodybuilder." Her quote is, "I love to win. I have a body that won't quit." She also has eyes that make my cat think she's found her mommy. She repeats that she likes to work out but that she likes to be feminine when she's out of the gym. She's dated women, she said, so she's open to possibilities. Well, Andy's dated men, so you guys have something to talk about. Nicki shows up at the house. In the short bus, Andy eats and enjoys chocolate-covered strawberries.
Girl Three Arrives. Vanessa. "Outspoken Intellectual." She likes to dance, she says. Her quote: "I'll use my mind to seduce him." Well, you sure as hell won't use that ugly fucking sweater. Then again, this is Andy we're dealing with. I don't think there is really much you can do. She says that she intimidates guys but she's a dork. She's honest, and we see her play the piano, and soon she's walking through the house and Nicki is greeting her. Short bus. Andy eats a candy bar.
Girl Four. She says guys like long hair. Andy says he likes long hair. My cat says she likes flies. I lock her in the bathroom because she's much more interesting than this show and I'm having a hard enough time already. The girl says that her eyes are "electric" and "light blue." My eyes are "tired" and "sick of watching this show." This girl is Amy, the "Confident Professional." Her quote: "I'm the girl--door but wild." Funny, this show is the "reality-program--door but terrible." Amy tells us that she works hard in sales. She holds a small white-rat dog and butchers the language by saying, "I like to have some sort of spunkiness in me." I'm sure she likes to have a lot of things in her. She shows up at the house and meets the other girls. They throw small invisible daggers at each other -- well, Nicki just undresses the others with her creepy cat eyes -- and stand around in the courtyard and talk when Andy shows up on a balcony above. They all stop talking and say hello. He pretends to jump down, and the girls all play along, being forced to fucking stand in the rain. He continues the bit as all the girls pretend to make like to catch him. All that's going through their minds, obviously, is, "A straight guy wearing a scarf in Los Angeles? I don't think so." Andy shakes hands and then they all hug. MM voice-overs that a "distant bell" summons them into the "ritual room" where the "chaining ceremony" will begin. No. Seriously. You shut the fuck up right now, with that. Seriously. At least Survivor is on an island and shit with real peril and drama. This is five wanna-be actors hanging out in Rick Rubin's house while he's in New York trying to promote the new Run-DMC album. Well, it is the UPN. What do you expect. I mean, the show gets a five share and they're bouncing off the walls with glee.
Anyway, MM shows up in this overly-candled room where the five all sit. MM can barely read her lines, she's on so much medication. She says that they're about to be chained together for "twenty-four hours a day" for several days. (Look, I know my first question is what happens when they have to go to the bathroom. Obviously, they don't all stand around while Nicki poos out her steroids.) MM explains that occasionally Andy will have to choose who to let go -- and she will be unchained and go away. They will know those times when they run into "The Locksmith." Ha. We get the Blair Witch sound and a big ol' Samoan-looking motherfucker wearing all black and glasses walks in and stands all serious, with his arms folded in front of him. When the girl is released, Andy will then give the woman how much of the $10,000 prize he gets for being a contestant he thinks that woman deserves. Lord, this show. Just making up arbitrary rules and treating them like they make sense. It's like, "When you see a blue car, you'll take the sacred Jell-O pop and throw it against the nearest wall."
The people all stand. MM asks Andy which of the treats he had in the short bus was his favorite. He says the strawberries. His second favorite, "That favorite candy bar of mine." Ha. Obviously he said "the Snickers" or something, and they quickly asked him to say it again but different, since they didn't have the clearance to use the brand name. Stupid-asses. So Kerstin and Amy get chained on the inside right to him since they gave those best treats. Nicki and Vanessa will be on the outside. Chaining. Chaining. A few get chained by the leg. A few by the arm. The chains are short. Slo-mo looking around. I guess this show was created by someone with a bondage fetish. That's really the only way I can fathom this show being created in the first place. Stupid. This show. My life.
The group now walks around the house, exploring moving around in chains. Andy tells us what a challenge and what a "team-building experience" being chained to these women is for him. They all come to the kitchen and make sandwiches together. Fucking A this show is exciting. Amy asks Andy if she can touch his tomatoes. Kerstin feeds him an apple. I go to get a beer. They all sit and eat. Andy then reads from a binder. Apparently they showed the girls five bachelor videotapes, including Andy, and had them rank the men and comment on them. Andy now has those results. Suddenly, Kerstin is bummed, realizing she talked shit about Andy. She says that she was "tired." Andy reads. Amy said that Andy was "perfect" and that she wants to grab his cheeks. Vanessa said nice things about Andy also, and that he was her favorite of the five. Nicki thought that he was "hot" and that she "liked the body and the face." Kerstin, meanwhile, thought that Andy was too "preppy" and only went out with trophy girls. She thought that in ten years he'd be living in the Hamptons. Try Fire Island. Andy now voice-overs that though he was smiling while he read Kerstin's comments, "underneath [he] was definitely offended at some level." This show. Shut up. Commercials. Thank you. I need help. With life. With this show. Ouch.
Back. Andy babbles about how his feeling were hurt. He also says that right now he likes Amy most, even though she's his third favorite in terms of looks. Ouch. We learn that the kids can give confessionals, and Andy does, while the girls all wear headphones so they can't hear what he's saying. I need me a pair of those. Andy says that he thinks Vanessa talks a lot but is doing well, but Vanessa has made insecure comments and her trying to get on his same "wave-length" is see-through. I wish something on this show were see-through. That might make it at least partially interesting on some level. Any level.
Night. The kids all make drinks and have dinner outside. They talk about jealousy in relationships and Vanessa says she's never jealous. Andy doesn't believe it. Stee doesn't care. Amy agrees that she hasn't felt jealous. Vanessa starts to say she'd love to be married and Kerstin all dramatically says, "Me too!" -- but then Vanessa continues that if she has to be alone instead of finding the right guy then she will; Kerstin shuts up. Nicki hands out bread. Andy tells Vanessa, "That's the most truthful statement I've heard out of you all night." Vanessa gets mad. They fight. The corn on the cob they're eating is all black. That is more interesting than this fight about Andy not knowing Vanessa enough to judge her and her being honest and blah blah blah blackcorncakes. Vanessa tells us that she thought Andy was being a jerk. Amy babbles to us about Vanessa having pent-up anger. Andy says that they should all rip off their clothes and jump in the hot tub. Vanessa quips, "Andy, that was the most truthful thing I've heard you say all night." The ladies get all You Go Girl on us, high-fiving Vanessa. It's the best moment so far, which is like saying today was the best day you had while fighting in 'Nam.
Skin. Finally. I guess. Who cares, though. The kids are all in the hot tub, drinking and dancing and talking and boring me. Later. They all brush teeth and talk. Now they're all changed and the girls all wear little tank tops, and Andy says tells us that the girls are all fun to be with and that he's already stressed about having to let someone go later. We get a fast-motion infrared cam of the night, with them all tossing and turning. This is quality television, folks. I'm sure Third World countries that just got TV and only get reruns of Suddenly Susan might like this show, but not anyone else.
Morning. The alarm goes off. Why? Amy tells us that Nicki and Vanessa are jealous that she and Kerstin get to be on the inside. The Dramatic Piano Of Fucking Kill Me Somebody plays as Amy continues, telling us that she's using her inside position to her advantage. Oh, and yes, in case you're only reading the recap and didn't see the show, it is exactly as stupid and pointless as it sounds. The kids all tumble and wrestle on the bed. No one is accidentally killed by a stray chain to the throat. Bummer. The kids eat breakfast. They then do yoga. Amy and Kerstin say they're being competitive. Whatever. MM tells us now, finally, that everyone will indeed have privacy in the bathroom. Well, that's stupid. Anyway, while Andy is masturbating, thinking about guys, the girls are all in the living room. They receive and watch a videotape from Andy's mom. His mom babbles about what kind of woman she'd like her son to settle down with. Keep dreaming, mom. She says something about an independent woman (nothing about having balls). The women keep saying how "cute" the mom is. She shows a photo of Andy at age four. Even the girls are like, "So." They all agree that you can tell a lot by a boy's relationship with his mother. None of them, however, realize that this tells them absolutely nothing about Andy's relationship with his mother.
Short bus. The girls tell Andy about the videotape. Andy says he had no idea that his mother was involved. He starts crying. Seriously. What a douche. He says that having his mom saying "those things" makes him feel good. The girls coo. I hurl. It's raining again, which is funny. I like that the weather is fucking everything up for the show. I like things being fucked up for the show. The group goes to eat at "the pier." I don't know where "the pier" is, even though I live in town. It doesn't look like Santa Monica. Okay. I'm babbling now. They eat at a fish joint on a rainy day. That's all you need to know. Andy tries to convince the girls to all eat raw oysters and let them "slide down [their] throat." Vanessa doesn't want to, though I'm pretty sure she's let a lot of things slide down her throat before. They sit down and finally do the oyster thing. What. Ever. There are shots of passersby looking strangely at the chained-up people. I can't even laugh. A dull whimper escapes my lips. My cat opens one eye. I forge ahead. The kids all walk up some stairs. They run into the Locksmith. Man, he cracks me up. They all tilt the camera and make the Blair Witch noise, and he stands in front of them all unsmiling. So the girls all hug, knowing one of them is about to get the boot. Dramatic music plays as the girls hug. Someone whines, "This is so much fun, you guys." Locksmith. Heart-beating noise. Gay. Everything's so gay. Commercial. Thank you, capitalism.
Commercials. So much more interesting than the show. Not a good sign. I rewind and watch them again.
MM voice-overs the rules again, saying that how much Andy decides to give each girl as he lets her go reflects what he thinks of her. We get a montage of the show so far, because it's been just that fucking meaningful. Andy talks to the women, saying that he didn't think this would be that hard, but that the person he's letting go, he doesn't feel is willing to express herself and he needs someone who will "go there," whatever that means. (I know what he means, but that's not for public consumption. Well, neither is this show.) He lets Vanessa go. She looks "shocked." The Locksmith waddles up with the key. Andy unchains her. Dramatic Music. He says that he's giving her "five hundred dollars," because he really likes her. She smiles and nods. He goes on that he's also giving her one hundred dollars so she can go to a bookstore and buy a book on "how to release some control." What? Oh, shut the fuck up, stunt-bitch. "I'm sorry that offended you," he says. The Locksmith leads her off. He tells us that he feels bad because he "went somewhere that she wasn't ready for." Short bus. Vanessa being driven away. Ha. They make the Locksmith drive her. Cheap-ass production company. Vanessa says that it was the "shittiest thing anyone has ever said to [her] in [her] life." She goes on that she was trying hard not to cry and that there was no chemistry between them (I wonder why) and she doesn't know why anyone would be so mean. Whatever. Goodbye. Be happy you're done with this show. Lick your wounds. They're going to heal a lot quicker than mine, I'm sure.
They kids leave the dock. It's still raining. Good. They all get on a yacht. MM voice-overs that the girls all realize their time to impress Andy is running out. They eat on the boat. Andy reads from cards. He instructs them to pick a fortune cookie from a bowl and read it. On one side of the fortune will be a dare. On the other will be a secret to reveal. Kerstin is first. She has to either dip Andy's finger in "sauce" and lick it off, or fake an orgasm. Which is the "secret to reveal"? Man, this show can't even play by its own gay rules. Kerstin says that she's really good with "fingers" and "like, really good with licking" so she's going to go for that one. She dips Andy's finger in wine and licks, scraping her teeth along his digit. Ow. I'd kick her off . Andy says that his mom would not like her to come home to her. Nicki . She has to either "stand softly and run [her] hands down [his] body" (how does one "stand softly"?) or tell him the meanest thing she's ever done to a man. Predictably, she straddles Andy and indeed runs her hands slowly down his body. She tells him to "work with [her] here." He says he is, and then says he needs a drink. She's done. It's insanely unsexy. Kerstin then says that she likes to cuddle and that it's fun, but that it makes her jealous when she's cuddling with Andy and then he turns to cuddle with one of the other girls. She says she feels like a tramp. She's already jealous? Bad sign. It's a show! It's Andy! Oy, I need to go take a nap. Amy goes on and says she also feels jealous. Amy then tells us that she wants more attention and that she wants to win. Nicki babbles now. (I wonder if she's excited to see the new Crocodile Dundee opus? I'm sure she is.) Nicki says that she's bummed because she's on the outside and she doesn't like to feel unimportant. Andy starts grilling her, saying that she woke up and pretended everything was fine but he would have respected her more if she'd admitted she has low self-esteem. Jigga what? How does that mean she has low self-esteem? Lord, this show. Killing me slowly and softly. Blair Witch noise. Ha. The huge shadow of the huge Locksmith on the outside of the boat. The kids walk outside. Noise, again. The Locksmith shows up, carrying an umbrella. It makes him look a lot less threatening, the notion that the big bad man doesn't want to get wet. The kids come out onto the boat deck and see him. They're unhappy. But I'm happy. Why? Commercials. Whee!
Back. Andy babbles. He says that the person he's releasing, he thinks he has a lot in common with, but that he's not at the stage of his life to take on someone who's self-esteem is low. So, yeah, he's booting Nicki. He unchains her, and gives her eight hundred bucks. He says he thinks she's "wonderful" and he hopes she "keeps going in the direction she's going." He then tells us that he both let her go and feels bad for her for the same reason, that her confidence is low, "and here [he is] giving her a shot." What? A "shot." Oh, fucking kill this guy. Run him over. Anyway. Short bus. Nicki has no idea what Andy was talking about with her having low self-esteem. She says he's not over his last relationship yet, and also that he is probably projecting what he feels about himself onto her since they are a lot alike. Aussie. Gone.
House. Andy continues to agonize. Saying that he never wanted to be in the position he's putting these girls in. Meanwhile, he pulls them, Amy and Kerstin, fully clothed into the pool. Poor Amy takes off her watch quickly and puts it on the side of the pool. He probably just ruined an heirloom. What an assface. Amy tells us that she's happy she got to the last round and that she's looking forward to hanging with just the three of them. Kerstin says that if Andy is looking for the person that he'll have the most fun with for the last few days, it'll be her. Bathroom. They all get ready for bed. Kerstin bitches at Andy for some reason. They get to bed. Kerstin says the three of them are going to have a blast and then she goes on that that last night was her "personal living hell." Why? I don't know. Or care. Andy babbles to us that he thinks tonight is going to be "interesting," sleeping chained with the two. Night. Amy sluts that Andy is going to have fun tonight going "back and forth," and that she doesn't want to not "do something" in fear of losing out. Basically, she's saying she's going to ho it up so she doesn't get booted, because Kerstin is over there giving Andy a chained hand job. Good strategy, lady. Your mama must be proud. We get another infrared shot of the night. We can't see anything really going down. Or anybody, for that matter.
Morning. The alarm goes off again. Andy tells us that obviously he and Kerstin have bonded the most, but that it doesn't mean she's going to win. Bathroom. Andy suspiciously puts make-up on the girls as he and Kerstin banter. They arrive in the living room to find MM. She greets them. They lie about how good it is to see her. They eat breakfast as MM says they've created "dates" for them today. Basically, Andy is going to go on a date with Kerstin while Amy tags along on a longer chain than normal, staying silent and being unable to "participate." Then Andy will go with Amy, while Kerstin tags along.
Date. Kerstin and Andy go to a Latin Museum. Amy trails behind. Andy tells Kerstin that she's making "weak choices" when it comes to trying to woo him. He babbles more, telling her that she needs to "up the ante" with him. She doesn't know what that means, and he yells, "I'm not going to give you that." God, I hate Andy. Kerstin hates Andy. Even his mom, I could detect in her video, hates Andy. West Hollywood, however. That city loves Andy. Amy then talks to us, saying that she thinks Kerstin is fucking up; Andy is asking her to help him make a decision, and she's not stepping up. Kerstin tells Andy that their "relationship" cannot go any further until they're alone. She then tells us that she's not going to out of her way to impress Andy. If possible, I kinda like Kerstin. At least, comparatively, which in this crowd doesn't mean much. They now eat at a restaurant; Amy's sitting a bit away at the bar, but listening in. Andy asks Kerstin what she's looking for in a relationship, and she says she's high maintenance and doesn't want to get hurt because she's been through a lot in the past. Andy says something about Kerstin worrying that Andy is going to fall in love with her, and then something about Kerstin not thinking that Andy thinks Kerstin is capable of just going out and having fun. I don't know. I'm as confused as you are. Andy, who likes to talk and start drama because he has absolutely nothing else to offer the world, tells Kerstin that he bets she's going to want to get married, and that he's sure the serious relationship she has -- she is going to end up marrying the guy. Kerstin is offended; Andy says that it's "boring." Amy tells us that listening in on their conversation gave her ammunition to us to get Andy to choose her. Commercial. Fucking A.
Recap of the date with Kerstin. We learn that the tension from the date carried over in the short bus on the ride home. It's Amy, who is supposed to shut the fuck up during this date, who is talking, saying that she feels like every time she offers an opinion she gets cut off. Yeah, that's because you're fucking stupid and no one cares about what you have to say. Don't you know that by now? Kerstin smirks. Andy then dicks that he has "less faith" that what Amy is about to say is important. Kerstin "ooohs." Amy is shocked. My cat yawns. I smoke. Andy says that Amy is afraid to get into it with him, and Amy smartly asks why he wants to get into it with everybody. Andy yells that it's not everybody, but just the "freaking" girls that he's put into a "freaking" house with. You shouldn't end a sentence with a freaking "preposition," douche bag. Andy whines that this is a hard decision for him and that they're not making it easier by opening up to him. Kerstin tries to butt in, but gets frustrated. Andy goes on that Amy not letting him in makes him feel rejected. Hate this fucking guy. Hate him. But this is funny: Amy starts crying. The Music Of My Sad Life plays as Amy weeps. Andy immediately starts going the Creepy Guy thing where he says, "Look at me," all quiet and in her face. "You're upset, and I feel bad. I do." She doesn't look at him, just keeps crying. Finally she says, "I don't like when people push so hard. I'm just trying to understand myself." And here is the gem line of the evening. Andy says, "It's painful for me to push this hard." Oh my God. What a fucking dildo. Hey, Locksmith. Please jump into the back seat and sit on this guy. Amy says that it takes more than three or four days to get her to open up. Andy justifies to us that he just wants to get stuff out of people and that he has strong opinions and yeah, maybe it is manipulation in some way. Oh, ya think? Man. He goes on to say, however, that his "strong" opinions are usually right on. Kerstin then tells us, "I felt like saying, 'Do you feel like a big strong man now that you made her cry?'" Hee. Now Amy and Andy hug and she says that she just wants to have fun and she doesn't want to be so serious. Bleh.
Night. House. The kids "burn off some steam" before the Amy date by drinking in the kitchen and dancing. Andy voice-overs that he might choose Amy now because he thinks she's willing to "go places" that Kerstin is not. I give up. I do. What "places" is he talking about? Does he mean anal sex? Why can't he just say that? We're all adults, here.
Date. The date is just dinner in the living room by the fire, with Kerstin in the kitchen watching. Amy says she needs to forget about Kerstin and just pretend they're alone. She toasts and then starts talking about the dinner. She points to each food and says what it symbolizes and then uses that to teach him a little something about her. Her words and idea, not mine, people. Rice and beans somehow lead to her saying how she's never cheated on a boyfriend. And blackened catfish is spicy and so she kisses him. They make out a little as Kerstin watches, bummed. It is the worst kiss ever. This is the worst show ever. Andy starts hemming and hawing, saying that he's full of guilt and this is going to be a hard decision and no matter what he decides, he thinks that "this is something." Amy says, "I'm with you on that." Oh, what-the-fuck-ever. Blair Witch sound as the Locksmith enters the room. Andy lies on the floor. Amy whines, "God, what a way to interrupt dinner." Hee.
Standing. All three. More totally inappropriate Blair Witch noises. Andy says that he "needs" to give the girls each ten seconds to tell him why he should pick them. Amy says that she thinks she should stay so they can finish what they were talking about and "maybe pursue something later." Kerstin. She says they have a bond and she'd love to spend the last day with him. He blahs now, saying that he feels sick and that they've each given him experiences that he didn't think he'd get from this situation. He says he's going with his heart and that he's releasing Amy. He unchains her and he gives her twelve hundred dollars for her trouble. They hug, and he says he thinks she's wonderful and then wishes her good luck. After she walks off with the Locksmith, he says, all faux dramatic, "I feel totally bad right now." He has tears in his eyes. Man. Then Kerstin says that she felt disappointed that she had to sit and watch him make out with Amy when she thought they had a connection.
Meanwhile in the short bus, Amy says she thinks Andy chose Kerstin because from "day one they had a bond." Andy then tells us he hopes Amy knows he had to push buttons to get to know them. Amy says she thinks he has relationship issues. Andy thinks she'd be more vulnerable to "falling in love." Amy says that Kerstin is a good choice for friendship, but that he picked the wrong one if he wants something further. In other words, Kerstin might blow him, but Amy would blow him and then go make him some mac and cheese while he watches Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Amy disappears.
House. Tot tub. Andy asks Kerstin what she's thinking, and she says that she thinks she pissed him off. Andy tells her that with her "selfish" remark about them making out, she made it both "ten times" harder than it was and then made him feel "thirty times" worse. Andy says that her selfish comment made him feel like maybe he made the wrong choice. Funny: she gets up and makes to leave, but then realizes she's chained to the guy, so she just sits on the edge of the tub. Andy is so fucking passive-aggressive that he immediately flip-flops and just explains that that is the tension she might be feeling. The thing with him is that if suddenly she got angry or defensive, he'd be shrill and yelling again; the moment she feels bad he backs off, victorious. I hate this guy. I would take a million Kayas over one Andy. So Andy quickly tells her that she needs to get over it, and she does, and they start playing. While we see them jump in the pool and start kissing (he sort of just drags her in, which looks painful), Andy tells us that eventually Kerstin realized that he needed to "go there" with Amy to make his decision. Whatever. Likes men. I would bet you this laptop that if the entire camera and sound crew left and they were alone in the house, they'd be in separate rooms watching TV within five minutes. So now they jump in bed, and Kerstin says she feels tense. Andy says it's been "weird," but he thinks they're going to have a great time.
Infrared cam. Night. They snuggle. We get subtitles. Andy: "Are you trying to touch me?" Kerstin: "No." Andy: "We need to have fun in this house. We may never see each other again." Kerstin: "I'm getting tired." Andy: "Hey, be nice to me." Kerstin: "I'm nice to you. You're still in control here." Andy: "Not really." Kerstin: "After the conversation we just had you're afraid of me rejecting you?" Ooh, if I didn't know what I've heard about the guy, I'd think that this was some of the most sleazy shit I've ever heard. Andy's all, "Give me a hand job or you get no money." At least Kerstin isn't going for it. Wait, when did I start caring? Shit. I need to go take my temperature. Luckily we get commercials.
They made a new Mummy? What, for those who saw and liked the first one? I guess after Monkeybone Brendan Fraser could use a hit. Or at least a film that doesn't tank so badly it causes fifty people to lose their jobs when the smoke clears.
House. Morning. My life. Terrible. The alarm goes off. Kerstin tells us that they made a connection, and they're more than friends, and that they're "real" together. Hey, can we all agree to put the term "real" to bed for good? Please? Thanks. Bathroom. They brush their teeth as Kerstin tells us that she "totally" wants to date Andy, lying that he's a "great guy."
Locksmith. He drives up. Now MM voice-overs during a montage sequence. She tells us that Andy "must decide" if he wants to pursue a relationship with Kerstin. Man, here's why this show fucking sucks. He can say whatever he wants, but how does that keep two people from doing the exact opposite once the show if over? This means nothing. It's the fucking UPN, for chrissakes! Anyway, MM whores that if he wants to pursue the relationship, he has to give Kerstin half his money (what remains of the initial ten thousand). If Kerstin then is interested, she will be waiting in the courtyard. If not, she can bail with the money and Andy will find the Locksmith instead. Which, in his case, he may prefer. Anyway. The pure half-bakedness of this show is what gets to me. It's like a third-grade class project to come up with a new TV show. So. MM stands with the "couple" and tells Andy he has to decide. First he unlocks them. "Dramatic" music and the Blair Witch noise. It's like playing "Adagio For Strings" over footage of someone walking their dog. They're free now. They hold hands. MM tells Andy to tell Kerstin the deal. He says that he's had a great time and he thinks she's wonderful, but that because of the stage he's in in his life (likes guys) he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her. "Okay," she says. He gives her two thousand dollars and says "good luck." Then he nods his head as MM says, "Phew." Shot of the Locksmith standing on a high balcony in the house. Yes, that's the pointlessness of this show.
Kerstin walks away, voice-overing how shocked she is that he let her go, but how "typical Andy" it was. And this is the man she just said is a great guy and she would love to go out with? Shot of Locksmith. Kerstin says that Andy has control issues and fear-of-rejection issues. Kerstin sees the Locksmith and walks up to him. She considers asking him out, but then realizes she sort of likes breathing and being able to walk. She continues that Andy is weak. Andy tells us that his decision was based on Kerstin getting jealous. Short bus. Kerstin tells us that Andy should have spent a little time "wooing" her. She asks if we "know." We don't. Andy says that Kerstin has every right to be upset. Kerstin says she is. She calls Andy a "dick." Hee. Money is more important than a relationship to him, she says. Oh, she's just pissed she didn't get half the money -- even though half at this point would only be like a thousand more. Man, this show. Hate it.
House. Music Of Sudden And Swift Cancellation plays as Andy looks down at the ocean. He says what an "emotional rollercoaster" the experience was, but that no one "linked up as [his] soulmate." Yeah. No kidding. He walks out of the house with his bags. Kerstin voice-overs that Andy is kidding himself, and that he is just afraid she's going to reject him.
Locksmith standing on the coastline. Helicopter shot. No. I'm serious. A graphic says, "One week later, Andy called Kerstin several times. Kerstin just hangs up." Way to change tenses there, fucking morons. "Andy has also contacted Amy. Amy had no interest." Hee. With the tense changes. I learned you can't do that when I was in fourth-grade English. But maybe you can. Okay, I hate this show. Watching is makes me was angry. I had gone to turned it off and threw the tape out of the window. I will destroy the tape yesterday. Anyway. Coastline. Credits.
week. A girl with four guys. They all run with a raft and go shopping. "Stephanie," we learn, has her hands full when she's connected to four men. Oh, they all sleep in the same bed! I love that the guys all have to cuddle with each other. Man, are they going to get shit back at the frat house. The preview continues. Stephanie says, "I got set up with the four biggest clowns in the city." They eat dinner. She kisses someone. End.
I'm going to go get in the shower, pour rubbing alcohol all over my body, and light myself on fire, that's how dirty I feel now. Fuck me.