All right. You may be saying to yourself right now, "Stee. What the hell did you do to deserve first Road Rules, then The $treet, then Temptation Island, and now most likely the low point in television history, (and that includes Bette), Chains of Love?" I don't know. I really don't. I must have killed puppies or robbed old ladies in a life. Someone get me a Ouija board because I obviously have some serious bad juju to work out. I suppose the only good way to look at it is the reality that there is absolutely nowhere to go from here but up. Plus, this is only six episodes. (And I can pretty much fucking guarantee you there ain't going to be no special seventh episode added because the ratings are so good like with TI.) At least there's that. Also, at least shows like this are what's sure to be the downfall of reality television. It's like the retarded kid at school who comes along and insists on playing kickball with you and your friends; you can't say no and you let him play, but pretty soon the game just falls apart.
And a quick disclaimer: after Road Rules I swore I wasn't going to get so wrapped up in recapping everything, but then I did with Temptation Island anyway. Well, I can absolutely guarantee that feeling the need to get every shot and line of dialogue down won't be a problem here. I have better things to do. Like cleaning my toenails.
So we begin. God help us all.
A woman's voice. A shot of Pacific Coast Highway, minus Jerry O'Connell driving his Del Sol drunk on Coronas heading to a beach party at Tara Reid's house. The woman: "The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility." Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, it's made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, "Now the new series Chains of Love shatters the calm as one man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex twenty-four hours a day. Witness the anger. The honesty. The competition. And the romantic connection. In tonight's episode, a man chained to four women presses hard to get to know his chain-mates as he strives to find a perfect match." A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. "Hi, I'm Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love." Lord. Here's the funny thing: someone is getting paid to write that crappy, nonsensical voice-over. Here's the sad thing: someone is getting paid to write that crappy, nonsensical voice-over, and it's not me.
Note. Main downfall of this show already clear: there is a whole new cast every week. Great idea, not allowing us to get to know anyone. Brilliant!
MM continues to talk, saying that Andy, a Hollywood stuntman (by "Hollywood" I think they mean "works in the every-fifteen-minutes stunt show on the Universal Studios tour") will move into a house (it's a gorgeous house, I'll give them that) with indoor/outdoor pools and a gourmet kitchen and big bed made for five. Andy talks to us, telling us he's a "stunt guy" and that he's always doing stunts where he falls off tall things. We see shots of him fighting, obviously from some terrible B-movie. He then plays the guitar and says that he likes to go "camping and do all that clich-ish guy stuff." (Well, I heard something from someone who knows the guy in real life -- that he likes to do more "guy stuff" than just camping, if you follow my drift. Chains of Love has a real crack screening department, I'll tell you.) Motorcycle. Motorcycle riding on valley street. Stopping on the motorcycle. Staring into camera with creepy eyes. He wants someone who can tell him what they want. Here's what I want: a new show.
Now his chain-mates, all four of whom represent "attributes" that Andy says appeal to him. (Ironically, none of the four seems to have a cock.) The first girl walks into the courtyard of the house, saying that it's about the money and getting the guy, but we don't yet know the rules so this means nothing to us. Then again, it'll most likely mean nothing to us even when we do know the rules, so carry on. She is Kerstin and she spells her name funny. She likes "extreme sports," like going shopping at Ross high on speed. She's a "Free Spirit," a graphic tells us. We also get a quote: "If he likes adventure, I'll be there at the end." She tells us that she's a dancer (not a stripper) and that she bikes and rollerblades. She goes on that she's not much of a bad girl. Kerstin looks through the house, searching for a purpose in life, but instead just looks at the view. Meanwhile, Andy rides in a short bus. The girls have all sent him snacks for his trip to try to make a good first impression. Man, two minutes in and already I fucking hate this show. Andy tells us he's not a big cookie fan. Thanks, Andy. At the house, a woman who scares me, catering to Andy's craving for small women, talks in a strange Irish or something accent, saying that she "[rips] in up in the gym and [trains] like an absolute bugger." She is Nicki. Ah, she's Australian, as the Gay Graphic calls her the "Aussie Bodybuilder." Her quote is, "I love to win. I have a body that won't quit." She also has eyes that make my cat think she's found her mommy. She repeats that she likes to work out but that she likes to be feminine when she's out of the gym. She's dated women, she said, so she's open to possibilities. Well, Andy's dated men, so you guys have something to talk about. Nicki shows up at the house. In the short bus, Andy eats and enjoys chocolate-covered strawberries.
Girl Three Arrives. Vanessa. "Outspoken Intellectual." She likes to dance, she says. Her quote: "I'll use my mind to seduce him." Well, you sure as hell won't use that ugly fucking sweater. Then again, this is Andy we're dealing with. I don't think there is really much you can do. She says that she intimidates guys but she's a dork. She's honest, and we see her play the piano, and soon she's walking through the house and Nicki is greeting her. Short bus. Andy eats a candy bar.
Girl Four. She says guys like long hair. Andy says he likes long hair. My cat says she likes flies. I lock her in the bathroom because she's much more interesting than this show and I'm having a hard enough time already. The girl says that her eyes are "electric" and "light blue." My eyes are "tired" and "sick of watching this show." This girl is Amy, the "Confident Professional." Her quote: "I'm the girl--door but wild." Funny, this show is the "reality-program--door but terrible." Amy tells us that she works hard in sales. She holds a small white-rat dog and butchers the language by saying, "I like to have some sort of spunkiness in me." I'm sure she likes to have a lot of things in her. She shows up at the house and meets the other girls. They throw small invisible daggers at each other -- well, Nicki just undresses the others with her creepy cat eyes -- and stand around in the courtyard and talk when Andy shows up on a balcony above. They all stop talking and say hello. He pretends to jump down, and the girls all play along, being forced to fucking stand in the rain. He continues the bit as all the girls pretend to make like to catch him. All that's going through their minds, obviously, is, "A straight guy wearing a scarf in Los Angeles? I don't think so." Andy shakes hands and then they all hug. MM voice-overs that a "distant bell" summons them into the "ritual room" where the "chaining ceremony" will begin. No. Seriously. You shut the fuck up right now, with that. Seriously. At least Survivor is on an island and shit with real peril and drama. This is five wanna-be actors hanging out in Rick Rubin's house while he's in New York trying to promote the new Run-DMC album. Well, it is the UPN. What do you expect. I mean, the show gets a five share and they're bouncing off the walls with glee.
Anyway, MM shows up in this overly-candled room where the five all sit. MM can barely read her lines, she's on so much medication. She says that they're about to be chained together for "twenty-four hours a day" for several days. (Look, I know my first question is what happens when they have to go to the bathroom. Obviously, they don't all stand around while Nicki poos out her steroids.) MM explains that occasionally Andy will have to choose who to let go -- and she will be unchained and go away. They will know those times when they run into "The Locksmith." Ha. We get the Blair Witch sound and a big ol' Samoan-looking motherfucker wearing all black and glasses walks in and stands all serious, with his arms folded in front of him. When the girl is released, Andy will then give the woman how much of the $10,000 prize he gets for being a contestant he thinks that woman deserves. Lord, this show. Just making up arbitrary rules and treating them like they make sense. It's like, "When you see a blue car, you'll take the sacred Jell-O pop and throw it against the nearest wall."
The people all stand. MM asks Andy which of the treats he had in the short bus was his favorite. He says the strawberries. His second favorite, "That favorite candy bar of mine." Ha. Obviously he said "the Snickers" or something, and they quickly asked him to say it again but different, since they didn't have the clearance to use the brand name. Stupid-asses. So Kerstin and Amy get chained on the inside right to him since they gave those best treats. Nicki and Vanessa will be on the outside. Chaining. Chaining. A few get chained by the leg. A few by the arm. The chains are short. Slo-mo looking around. I guess this show was created by someone with a bondage fetish. That's really the only way I can fathom this show being created in the first place. Stupid. This show. My life.
The group now walks around the house, exploring moving around in chains. Andy tells us what a challenge and what a "team-building experience" being chained to these women is for him. They all come to the kitchen and make sandwiches together. Fucking A this show is exciting. Amy asks Andy if she can touch his tomatoes. Kerstin feeds him an apple. I go to get a beer. They all sit and eat. Andy then reads from a binder. Apparently they showed the girls five bachelor videotapes, including Andy, and had them rank the men and comment on them. Andy now has those results. Suddenly, Kerstin is bummed, realizing she talked shit about Andy. She says that she was "tired." Andy reads. Amy said that Andy was "perfect" and that she wants to grab his cheeks. Vanessa said nice things about Andy also, and that he was her favorite of the five. Nicki thought that he was "hot" and that she "liked the body and the face." Kerstin, meanwhile, thought that Andy was too "preppy" and only went out with trophy girls. She thought that in ten years he'd be living in the Hamptons. Try Fire Island. Andy now voice-overs that though he was smiling while he read Kerstin's comments, "underneath [he] was definitely offended at some level." This show. Shut up. Commercials. Thank you. I need help. With life. With this show. Ouch.
Back. Andy babbles about how his feeling were hurt. He also says that right now he likes Amy most, even though she's his third favorite in terms of looks. Ouch. We learn that the kids can give confessionals, and Andy does, while the girls all wear headphones so they can't hear what he's saying. I need me a pair of those. Andy says that he thinks Vanessa talks a lot but is doing well, but Vanessa has made insecure comments and her trying to get on his same "wave-length" is see-through. I wish something on this show were see-through. That might make it at least partially interesting on some level. Any level.