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Jack gets a job as Publisher at a rival media company, and everyone consoles Mia. She sees Jack's news anchor girlfriend, Liz, wearing a scarf of hers, so she decides that she should meet with Jack to ask for it back, along with the sex tape they made. Sparks fly when they have a drink together, but Jack tells Mia to help herself to the tape -- she had hidden it at his apartment, and she still had the key so that she could let herself in. Along with the tape, Mia found a tape of Jack celebrating her birthday at work. Then, Liz comes home and is really bitchy to Mia, but she gets the scarf back, which she shreds when she gets home. Then, Jack comes over, and he and Mia do it. While in bed, though, he says that things could work for them now that he has a good job. Mia decides that she can't be with a man who can only love her when he loves himself.
Davis and his lawyer ask Juliet for "manimony." Davis is really mad at her, for some reason. Then, while shtupping Cilla Gray, Davis has a heart attack -- wait, make that a panic attack. Before they find out that the apparent heart attack wasn't, Davis tells Juliet that he won't ask for the apartment. But, later he takes it back and serves her eviction papers. In retaliation, she claims that the Aston Martin was stolen, and gets it towed.
Zoë and Clayton compete for the attention of a very rich client. Zoë secures the deal, but Clayton gets promoted. So, Zoë quits.
Caitlin meets Alicia's ex-girlfriend, the one Alicia'd planned on having the baby with. Caitlin decides that she is ready to be a mommy and buys a bunch of stuff for the kid, but Alicia says she's decided to get back together with the ex, crushing poor Caitlin's feelings. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: Mia met Jack's new girlfriend, Liz. Zoë was having problems with a male colleague at work trying to push her to the side. Alicia told Caitlin she was pregnant, which sounds more and more ridiculous the farther away from it we get. Zoë advised Juliet to get an attorney to protect her assets, but Davis already got the one Juliet wanted.
To the just-not-out-of-date-enough-to- seem-like-it's-desperate-to-seem-that-way strains of "Stronger" by Kanye West, we see the requisite quick cut shots of New York. Mia enters her office wearing a leopard-print skirt and a brown turtleneck with fur-capped sleeves. It's amazing. She gets a call on her cell from Zoë urgently asking her if she's okay. Mia then suddenly gets a call on her work phone from Caitlin, asking her if she's taking a sick day. Mia is less interested in asking why someone would out-of-the-blue ask such a question than in reminding Caitlin that she went to work when she had double pneumonia. She gets a call on the other line from Juliet, telling her that she will be there for her. Suddenly Mia's like, "What's happening?" She compares the feeling she's having to when your parents tell you they've taken your dog out (she really punches "out") to the country. Then, Tracy brings in a muffin on a plate, stammering that it's Tracy's favorite muffin and hat she hopes it helps Mia the way it helps her. Fine, Tracy just has to have food issues because she's bigger than the other girls.
Mia hangs up all her phones just as Clive enters and throws a newspaper on her desk. We see an article with a picture of Jack, and the headline "Jack Cutting Named Publisher at Fairgate Communications." Odd that the publisher of a major magazine company knows this info after her friends in finance, hotel, and beauty products do. Somebody needs to read their morning periodicals. Mia acts like she already knows about Jack, saying she has a chocolate-covered grenade on its way to him already. I don't know what it is with this show, but I have to have my closed captioning on half of the time to figure out what the hell they are saying. Am I the only one? I swear, either I'm ninety or these people are not using good diction. Clive says that Jack's new job makes Mia's ex-fiancé her biggest headache, as if he wasn't already. This Clive, he certainly loves to express emotions with his face.
Juliet is power-walking through a hallway with her lawyer, Blair. Blair tells her to breathe during their divorce mediation meeting, because nothing makes a wife look terrified like when her voice gets high. Juliet says that she was a debutante, so her voice couldn't get high if she sucked on helium. Is there something I'm missing? Do debutantes have special low-talking classes?
In the meeting, Juliet tries to be civil. Their offer is that Juliet and Davis both keep what they've earned, share custody of Emily with Emily living with Juliet, and have the girls stay in the apartment. Davis's lawyer counters that Davis's career suffered because he supported the Juliet's "craven ambitions." So, Davis wants to keep his money and get additional support. "Man-imony?" asks Blair. She's a real pro. Also, Davis wants the apartment. "What? He can't do that!" screeches Blair in a really high voice. But, she brings it back low: "Can he?" Somebody's going to lose her debutante's license.
Davis whines that he has been living in a studio east of Lexington. Juliet suggests that they call Jimmy Carter and ask him to build Davis a shack. She asks him where all of this is coming from, and he says that Rafe, his attorney, has helped him to see that Juliet is as responsible for their marriage's failure as he is. It sounds like Rafe has convinced him that she's more responsible than he is. Davis and Juliet start yelling at each other about who cheated on whom, and Blair stops the meeting. Rafe says that they can drag it out as long as they want, because they intend to ask Juliet to pay all legal fees. This is effed. Afterward, Blair tries to stay positive by pointing out that Davis's team has already showed its hand. Juliet's not buying the optimism, but Blair is like, "What? Do you want me to say we're screwed?"
Zoë is in her office when Clayton walks in and says that Henry Gorham wants to meet with them. "Now?" she asks as Henry walks into the office behind Clayton. Dude! That's Jeffrey DeMunn from Frances! He tells then that Maxwell Tate is using $500 million to create a foundation to charter schools. He usually works with Manhattan Trust, but since Henry let Maxwell outbid him on some fancy wine (chuckles all around), he's will to give them a chance. After Henry has gone, Zoë tries to toss around ideas, but Clayton is being a jackass and saying that Maxwell will relate more to him than her. This, of course, annoys her. He says that Maxwell is not going to let "Mommy" take care of his money. Um, hi, harassment. Zoë says that she can't believe he would act that way after all the work they've done together. He non-sequiturs that this deal could get "someone " promoted to Senior Managing Director, which Zoë says she deserves more than he does. This is all very weird. It's like Clayton doesn't even hear what Zoë's saying or detect her mood at all. He says that he's just looking out for Zoë, but she says he's trying to cut her legs off as she's about to cross the finish line. That would hurt. Unless your legs were really hurting from all of the running. Then, depending on how bad they hurt, it might be like a blessing or something.
That night, at Mia's place, Mia tells Caitlin that she sent Jack a bottle of champagne, which should tell him that she's not thinking about him. If she were actually thinking about him, she'd have sent him Scotch . Ah, the hidden language of liquor gifts. Caitlin has her own problems: "My girlfriend's pregnant." Apparently, that doesn't sound better the more you say it. She wonders what the kid will call her if she stays with Alicia: "'Other Mommy'? 'Mommy 2'?" Suddenly, Mia sees Jack's girlfriend, Liz, on the news. She's wearing an Alexander McQueen scarf that Jack had given Mia, and that she left at his place after the breakup. Caitlin decides that she prefers "Mommy 2." Mia says, "She found my scarf and wore it on TV. That is so aggressive." Have you noticed that these ladies never meet another woman who isn't stupid or a bitch? It's like they met the only other quality women available back when they were in b-school. Mia says that she's getting her scarf back. Caitlin asks whether she means the scarf or Jack.
Juliet arrives at her apartment to find Davis removing a bunch of stuff from the apartment, including the Aston Martin. He says he thinks it will make his place seem like home. But, isn't he getting the apartment back? Juliet says she thought they could have a civilized divorce, and Davis says he thought they could have a civilized marriage. This old lady from their building tells Juliet, "Oh, my dear, that is just not how we do things on 5th Avenue." People don't argue, I guess? But, they certainly also don't tell other people how things are "done" on their street. This isn't Boston, for God's sake. Juliet just stomps off from the old lady.
The day, the girls are having breakfast together. Juliet says that Blair is building evidence to "kick [Davis] in the balls." She says that, unfortunately, this is Blair's favorite phrase. Just another crass woman. It's a shame she can't be as awesome as the four of the show's principals. (It's weird, agreed? They're relentless about how other women suck.) Juliet tells Zoë never to get divorced, and Caitlin and Mia never to get married. Mia says that she won't get married, and Caitlin says she's having a Jack flashback -- or, a "Jackback." Juliet thought Mia had moved on from Jack with the brain surgeon (Jason) and the manny (Adam). She says that she had a couple of dates with the brain surgeon and one make-out session with the manny, whereas she was engaged to Jack. For like five days, but sure. She says she sees Jack everywhere, and that it's hard for her: she's used to exes being invisible, like dead people. She wonders if the universe is telling her that things aren't over between her and Jack. Caitlin advises Mia not to listen to the universe: every time she does, she ends up in a strange apartment, looking for her thong. I'd say that sounds pretty awesome, minus the lack of proper thong management. Work on that, and it sounds like the universe is your friend, Caitlin. Mia says that she needs to get in touch with Jack to retrieve her sex tape. Yes, Jack and Mia made a sex tape, and Sex Etiquette 101 requires that, in the event of a breakup, the girl gets all of the pornographic stuff that she and her ex made together. Juliet says that she hopes Davis didn't take their sex tape, but she's pretty nonchalant about it, and I would imagine that Davis is definitely at least thinking of taking their sex tape. Go home right now and secure your sex tape, Juliet. For real! The french toast can wait! Zoë has one too, but they taped over it with a birth. (We don't find out which one.) Juliet says that she was on vacation in Greece with another couple on a boat. They groped and made feta and Juliet always wore sunglasses. The girls think this is funny.
Caitlin and Alicia are at Alicia's doctor appointment. Carmen Santos is about to give Alicia a sonogram! She is a supervillain. Guard your uterus, Alicia. Caitlin is getting all amazed at the miracle of life when a woman barges into the examination room. It's Olivia, the first Mommy 2; Alicia had told her about the appointment. She says that of course she came, since it's her baby too. Uh oh.
Later, Jack and Mia are having a drink. She seems a little bit high-strung. He asks how things are with her and Jason. She says they're great, and then asks about Jack and his "telepromptress." They're great, too. Then, she asks for her scarf back. Mia says that Liz must have thought it would be entertaining for Mia to see Liz wearing her scarf on TV. (Presumptuous of Liz to assume that Mia would be watching the newscast, but maybe she thinks Mia's studying her, which I guess she kind of is.) Jack says that Liz is feisty, and Mia says that she doesn't want her scarf drenched in all of Liz's "feisty neck sweat." That's disgusting. Mia also asks for their sex tape. Jack says he doesn't know where it is and she recalls that she hid it in his apartment. He tells her that she can go by his apartment the afternoon -- she still has the keys. Jack says that it's good to see Mia, and that he wishes they could hang out without weirdness. There's some definite flirting going on between these two.
Zoë and Clayton are in a meeting with Maxwell and his wife, Cynthia, also played by an actor from Guiding Light. Trippy. Zoë is trying to give Maxwell attentive, straightforward service, and Clayton's all over the place trying to be all macho for Maxwell. It's unclear whether Maxwell's buying it or not. Zoë says that she can arrange a wine dinner at a fancy restaurant for them, but the Tates can't go; they have tickets to the opera. Cynthia agrees to let Maxwell go to dinner. Clayton suggests that Zoë might not be able to attend the dinner since she has small children. She squeezes Clayton's arm like she's trying to rip it off. Then Zoë and Cynthia talk, Cynthia saying she knows how hard it is for women to rise in Zoë's field. Zoë agrees that it's true, but says she's excited to work with someone of Cynthia's stature. Cynthia says that she enjoys the way women talk to each other. If this deal goes through, she'll need someone to talk to.
Caitlin accompanies Mia on her retrieval of the sex tape. Mia can't remember where she left the DVD. Caitlin can't find it either, but she does run across some staples, which she decides to take. Suddenly, she remembers that she hid the tape behind the TV cabinet. She and Caitlin looks; there are two DVDs there. Caitlin asks her if there are two sex tapes, and Mia assures her that they only needed one: "It was a good tape." Caitlin asks whether Jack would have filmed Mia without her knowing it. Mia says that he couldn't even set the time on his microwave. She pops in one tape and tells Caitlin to cover her eyes. It is indeed the sex tape, and Caitlin peeks a little bit and says, "Holy crap, are those your abs?" Mia confirms that they are, and says that they made the tape right after she'd had the stomach flu. She pops in the other tape, and it's a video of her birthday celebration at the office. It's very sweet, and Mia looks pretty sad watching it. Suddenly, Caitlin and Mia hear keys in the front door. Mia thinks it must be Jack coming to see her, so she tries to get rid of Caitlin. No luck. the door opens before they have a chance to move. Even less luck: it's Liz. She says she had to see Mia's desperation for herself. She's wearing the scarf, and tells Mia that she got a lot of compliments on it. Mia asks if Liz has any clothes of her own, and Liz says that she doesn't wear a lot of clothes when she's at Jack's apartment. Mia suggests that she shouldn't talk much in the apartment either, and wonders if she can without a teleprompter. Liz says that, the last time she was dumped, she didn't do anything except get another boyfriend. Mia says that Liz making an appearance to show that this is her territory is a sign of her vulnerability. Liz says that Mia can't handle the fact that Jack has moved on, and Mia says that Liz can't handle being the rebound girl. She tells her to "enjoy the bounce," grabs the scarf, and she and Caitlin are out of there.
Juliet is in the middle of a meeting when her female assistant comes in. She stammers a bit, and Juliet barks, "What? Spit it out." So, Juliet's assistant tells her that Davis had a heart attack.
Juliet arrives at the hospital and asks for Davis. Cilla Gray is behind her, and tells her that they're still running tests. Um, Cilla Gray, why are you here? (Oh my God, I just realized who plays Cilla! It's Trisha Alden! I feel very old right now. And like I watch soap operas all the time. I'm not really that person, I swear. Though I did love me some Trisha and Trucker back in the day.) Trisha tells Juliet that she and Davis were doing it when he got sweaty and had the attack. Cilla called her ex-husband's cardiologist for Davis. The doctor comes out and tells Juliet that Davis is sleeping, and that they're still running tests. Cilla tells Juliet that she will get back all the parts of herself that she lost during her marriage. She says she wishes someone had told her that when she was getting her first divorce. She thinks that Juliet is going to enjoy being a bad lady who sleeps with married men.
Caitlin meets Alicia's ex, Olivia, for drinks. Caitlin orders a shot of tequila, and Olivia does the same. Olivia tells Caitlin that she's not comfortable with her child being raised by someone with as many sexual-identity issues as Caitlin has. Ouch. She also says that the kid can't call Caitlin "Mommy," since "this family's topping out at two mommies." Caitlin reminds Olivia that neither of them has a genetic relationship with the child, to which Olivia responds, "You have a lot to learn about lesbians." Then, Alicia shows up, and Caitlin and Olivia act like they were getting along fine, which I totally don't get. If I were Caitlin, I'd want a little more color on exactly what was happening right now.
Juliet waits with Davis until he wakes. When he hears that Juliet bumped into Cilla, he says the he just started seeing her again. He's surprised that Juliet doesn't want him dead, but she says that the part of her that cares about him will probably never go away. Davis apologizes for his behavior, and says he wants her to have the apartment. She suggests that they talk about it later, but he insists that she have it. Then, the doctor comes in and tells Davis that he didn't have a heart attack: he had a panic attack.
The day, Clayton tells Zoë that he's taking Maxwell to a hostess club with geisha girls. A whorehouse, essentially. Again, very harass-y. Zoë says that Clayton's approach is dated, what with the overselling of the product and now his "boys' night out" shtick. He tells Zoë that she doesn't have to come, but she's coming, all right. She won't be cut out of the deal. She's both annoyed and cavalier about the situation. I feel like she's not effectively fighting this whole shitstorm.
Juliet tells her assistant to get "her husband" on the phone, but adds that she really can't say that anymore. What a revelation. Then, someone just walks into Juliet's office and serves her with legal papers. She needs a better gatekeeper in her office.
Juliet conveniently finds Davis on the phone on the street, getting out of his car. We find out the letter she was served was a Notice to Vacate. He says that her lawyer is saying he gave the apartment to Juliet, which we all heard happen. He says that those were highly charged circumstances; he's reneging. Davis says that his lawyer says her bedside vigil the night before was an attempt to get something out of him. Juliet says that he should tell his lawyer that she tried for fifteen years to get something out of Davis, but she's realized that there's nothing there. Then, she stomps off.
Caitlin laments to Mia over the complicated nature of her relationship. Then, she sees a baby store and decides to shop.
That night, Zoë goes to the hostess club with Maxwell and Clayton. Zoë gets a foot rub. It appears as though Clayton was right about Maxwell -- he's totally into the whorehouse. Suddenly, Cynthia calls. The opera is over and she wants to join the party at the restaurant where she thought they would be. Maxwell makes Zoë get on the phone, and she tells Cynthia that Maxwell and Clayton just got in the car, and that Zoë herself already told her husband that she was on her way home. Then, Clayton and Maxwell go to private rooms for some (separate) sexytime.
Mia is shredding her Alexander McQueen scarf at her apartment when Jack knocks on the door. He has the birthday DVD -- she forgot it at his apartment. She says he could have just messengered it, and then they start kissing. I really hate the music on this show. It makes everything seem trivial.
Later, Jack and Mia are basking in the afterglow. Mia asks Jack what they're doing. Jack says that he's not over Mia. He made a huge mistake, and is ready to start over. Everything's going to be different, now that he has a fancy job. Mia says that she feels like if Jack's not on the same level or above her, he can't be with her. He says that isn't how he feels, but Mia thinks it is. She returns his engagement ring. I guess it's over. That sucks! I really like Jack.
Caitlin brings a bunch of shopping bags to Alicia's place, and tells Alicia that she feels like a mommy now. Alicia looks tentative and tells Caitlin that she has something to say (and we all know what's about to happen), but Caitlin doesn't pick up on it and just keeps going. She shows Alicia this baby album she thinks is really special, because she and Alicia and Olivia and the baby were all going to be a family. But, no. Alicia and Olivia are getting back together. Apparently, Olivia had broken up with Alicia in the first place and has now changed her mind. Caitlin says that she was prepared to change her life for Alicia, while all along, she was only Alicia's backup. She says that Alicia can keep all the gifts, except the photo album. That was for her. I really like Bonnie Somerville on this show, but that scene was really weak. I don't know if Alicia just wasn't giving anything to her, but it felt really dry.
Davis runs out into the street to find his car being towed away. It's registered in Juliet's name, and she reported it stolen. Wouldn't that mean that Davis would get arrested for stealing it? Are they just looking for the cars and not the thieves these days? Davis freaks out. Juliet looks on from a town car.
Zoë arrives at work to find a champagne celebration in progress. Yay, it's Zach! He tells Zoë that Clayton just got promoted to Senior Managing Director; he didn't think Zoë would want any champagne. I'm not sure why. She stomps over to Clayton and tells him they landed the Tate Foundation. It looks like Henry thinks that Clayton is responsible. Zoë tells Henry that the firm has a habit of only promoting white men. She thinks it's unfair, seeing as how she has given everything to the firm, including her integrity (see: last night's lying). Henry says that Zoë's time will come. She quits, and then gets a glass of champagne from Zach as she walks out.
That night, the ladies are gorging themselves on chocolate and vodka. I like that combo. Zoë asks if anyone's free for...anything, seeing as how her days are pretty wide open now. Mia says it's the perfect end to the worst day. It looks like they'll all bounce back pretty quickly.