This season, more than ever, I wish The Carrie Diaries was about Carrie White of the movie and Stephen King novel fame. But it's about Carrie Bradshaw and her near-perfect life. Sure, her kind-of-boyfriend Sebastian made out with her shittiest friend, Maggie, but now she gets to live probably rent-free in her friends' giant New York loft with her gay best friend with a job at a fashion magazine. And all of this without any blood, telekinetic powers, or religious zealotry.
So in the first scene, a very blonde and modern looking Carrie is playing chess with a very tan Sebastian, and Maggie, who is not Dead Rosie Larsen after all. Carrie gets to wear lots of fun clothes, even to sleep in, and drink Cosmopolitans in the club even though she's underage. It's the '80s, there are little to no rules!
Walt comes in to wake Carrie up and she is presumably hung over from another night of teenage binge drinking in NYC, which is what her tank top says. She and Walt discuss all the things that happened last season, normal Saturday morning chat stuff. Walt is still sort of in the closet and Carrie still cares about Sebastian, just when we thought we were rid of him as a character.
Walt tells Carrie that Donna's report includes the information that Maggie got a summer job working at the country club. You know, the country club where everything happens and all the shit goes down. This is somehow bad news to Carrie, even though in the scene Maggie is clearly getting shit on by Donna and all the other rich people of Castlebury. They're sipping drinks by the pool and Sebastian is getting in and out of the pool in slow motion. Sebastian says he doesn't want anyone to think things are going on between him and Maggie in case it were to get back to Carrie. Sebastian and Maggie argue about the kiss and how they both lost Perfect Carrie over it. Donna watches suspiciously, making me wish this show was just a little more '80s-licious.
Carrie goes back home for the weekend to have a very late breakfast with her family so that we can still keep up with Dorrit and Tom. I don't get it, the actor who plays Carrie's dad is so great on Scandal and so flat on this show. Tom asks Carrie if she's seeing anyone and they all agree that's creepy. Tom confides in Carrie he's glad he doesn't have to worry about Dorrit dating, but little does he know she already gave away her virginity to a boy at least three years older than her named Miller.
To complete the cast of characters I wish had been dropped from the show, Carrie talks with her Asian friend Mouse in her room about what idiots single dads are. Things are going well for Mouse and her super-smart black boyfriend Wes(t). Mouse also hates Maggie, calling her a skank for what she did to Carrie. Mouse really wants to go to the country club's Fourth of July party but is trying to avoid Maggie. She invites Carrie, telling her, "you have to see Sebastian some time." God, high school really is the worst isn't it? The great thing about being an adult is that you don't have to keep seeing or hanging out with people who are horrible to you.
Thankfully, Carrie escapes back to the city with Walt. More of this and clothes and parties, please, because I'm so done with Castlebury. Carrie and Walt discuss Walt's love interest, Bennett, who also works at Interview Magazine. Bennett is flirty, but won't do anything with Walt until he's 18. Makes sense. Carrie and Walt play chess, even though Walt doesn't "get this game," and it's really just a loose excuse for Carrie to trail off into the land of metaphors. Delightfully, they are hanging out with Donna LeDonna to party in the city that night. Stupidly, Donna brought Sebastian. I guess the plot has to come in somewhere, but I think I'd prefer to watch 45 minutes of Carrie, Walt, and Donna shopping and gossiping.
"I came to see you," Sebastian tells Carrie. Bleh, go away. Carrie says she won't be going out with Walt, Donna, and Sebastian because she needs to go to Area for a magazine thing. Then she goes out into the night to drink in the city alone.
Back in Castlebury, Tom tries awkwardly to handle being a single dad with two teenage daughters. He eventually tells Dorrit that he wants to meet Miller and this is Dorrit's nightmare. Mouse and her boyfriend are going to the country club's Fourth of July party, where Maggie is working and will be serving them. Mouse tells Maggie that they already know they want chicken fingers and Wes doesn't think it's racist, just a little rude.
Oh, but there's a disaster happening in NYC, while Carrie was rummaging for a fax on the ground like a noob, someone stole her purse. This is the worst thing that could happen to a girl alone at night in the big city! She goes around asking about it and the bouncer tells her it's long gone. Carrie insists that her mom's purse is part of who she is, planting the seeds for the trademark Carrie Bradshaw materialistic frivolity we have come to know her for. The bouncer asks her if she wants to go into the club anyway, even though she has no money to buy drinks, and doesn't even have her fake ID.
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At the Cool Rock and Roll Bar, Donna, Sebastian, and Walt sit down to some cold beers purchased with their own fake IDs. It is not Donna's scene at all; she much prefers the country club where people know she's rich. Walt suggests they go to Area to meet Carrie where he's sure there are "plenty of douchey stockbroker types" for Donna. It's a funny line, but were people saying "douchey" in the ‘80s? Anyway, this scene is more about Sebastian finding out that Carrie lied about having plans to get away from him. He did not figure that out on his own because he is hot and stupid.
Back at the country club, Wes convinces Mouse to make up with Maggie, but then they realize that Maggie is no longer their server. Bleh, who cares, this is almost as boring as Miller meeting Tom, which is also happening. Miller makes a great impression, by the way.
Moment! Carrie needs to get in to meet her friends at the cool rock and roll club where Donna's cousin works. It turns out that Donna's cousin is Sam Jones, AKA Samantha Jones, and Carrie meets her working the line. Bless this show for introducing a new, recognizable character. Something we can latch onto.
Samantha tells Carrie that Donna and her friends left, but offers that she have a drink on her at the bar while she uses the phone. I'm surprised this show remembered cell phones didn't really exist back in the '80s.
At the country club, Mouse confronts Maggie. She gets so worked up that she backs up into the giant American Flag sheet cake, which knocks her into the pool. Everyone laughs at her because they're country club simpletons with nothing better to amuse them. Maggie smiles to herself, and I guess we are supposed to think Mouse deserves this for being a high-strung bitch.
Walt, Donna, and Sebastian make it to Area and Sebastian slips a bouncer some money to get in. First Bouncer, who all of a sudden gives a rat's ass about that little blonde girl who was a jerk to him, overhears them talking about Carrie and is like, "whoa, whoa, whoa, did you say Carrie!?" He tells them what happened and they head back to Samantha's bar, leaving Donna to flirt with stockbrokers.
Meanwhile, Samantha interrupts Carrie's very long phone call with the police, who have informed her that there are approximately 20 murders a week in Manhattan. Samantha offers to calm Carrie down with some tea and Carrie gags upon discovering it is Long Island Iced Tea, but didn't question when it was poured into a glass for her cold. Samantha tells Carrie that she can break her into her own apartment if she stops "boo-hooing." thing we know, Samantha has left work to help this whiny stranger. Only in New York!
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Hoisted onto Carrie's shoulders, we start seeing the sexually free side of Samantha emerge. She is always hoping for a few more inches, she isn't wearing underwear! This actress does her best Kim Cattrall impression, which would make sense if AnnaSophia Robb were doing a Sarah Jessica Parker impression. The cops show up, but of course they have all heard about and remember Carrie for being so persistent. The cops tell her it's not so bad, but agree to give the sexually wily Samantha a boost to help her break in. She's not wearing underwear, you know.
Walking back to wherever, Walt and Sebastian hash things out. Sebastian didn't mean to kiss Maggie and Walt was wondering how Sebastian knew he was gay. It's OK to be gay. Oh, and Maggie and Mouse made up even though Maggie lost her job over the incident and has no money.
Back to Samantha not wearing underwear, we all lose things and some of us aren't that close with our moms. Samantha tells Carrie to show Sebastian she's at the top of her game by moving on and hooking up with a hottie but Carrie decides not to because being true to your heart and chess. They're friends now, and Carrie takes to her diary to talk about what it means to win. Oh, and Samantha lives with her and Walt now.
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