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Everybody's doing the nasty in this episode of The Carrie Diaries, or at least planning to. When Sebastian tells Carrie he loves her, Carrie falters and tells him she wants to have sex with him. She keeps waiting for the perfect time to tell him she loves him, but it never seems to happen. She hopes that the Madonna Virgin Tour launch party will lead to the perfect night with declarations of love followed by perfect first time sex.
Meanwhile, Mouse avoids West's ongoing flirtation, which results in them having sex in a classroom. She's worried he is playing mind games with her, when he really just wants to date her. She eventually agrees to go on a date, once she has a letter of recommendation in place and after he threatens her with sabotaging her grades even further.
Tom is still meeting up with Deb, the annoying woman from his meditation class. She invites him over one night for sex, and after he freaks out about that, he is a total dick to her about having sex when her kid is in the house. She excuses him for the night, but eventually forgives him and declares them dating. Tom never admits that he was just angry because he was embarrassed that a strange child saw his penis.
Dorrit is entertaining the idea of having sex with Miller, the cute, interesting boy from the record store. He's a hipster before there were hipsters. Miller loans her books, and Dorrit tries on a softer appearance for him. She decides she wants to have sex with him and they probably do it? It's left open-ended because the only sex life we really care about is Carrie's.
After going to great lengths to get Sebastian into the VIP area of the party with her, Carrie has to excuse herself to tend briefly to something work-related. Because that's why they are there, drinking on Interview's dollar—for Carrie's job. In Sebastian's ideal world, Carrie doesn't care at all about having a career, so her continually flitting away to disprove that upsets him. Sebastian proceeds to get drunker and sulkier.
Leaving the party, Sebastian and Carrie have a very realistic fight. He says it's all about her, all the time, and Carrie resents him for being passive aggressive and her having to do extra work to draw his feelings out. Sebastian plays his trump card, bringing up that Carrie didn't say "I love you" back. He tells Carrie she analyzes things too much, and Carrie says that's who she is and if he doesn't like it they should break up. Sebastian says, "if that's what you want," which is the kiss of death.
Carrie lies in various beds for the rest of the episode, sad and blaming herself for everything. If Donna LaDonna were friends with Carrie, she would be a great ally in times like these.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Alright ladies and reluctant boyfriends, put on your jammies. Carrie might have sex in this one. (Almost) everyone is having a romance right now. Mouse and West are kind of almost flirting, Dorrit kissed that cute guy in the record store (then disappeared for an episode). Tom desperately made out with the gum cracker from his meditation class. Carrie and Sebastian, the only ones who matter, are going steady.
Carrie's introductory narration tells us that you never know how the dice are going to roll, but if you're lucky, you get to choose which direction to go in. I almost relate to this, until I see she is cutely talking about Trivial Pursuit, as she plays/flirts with Sebastian. She opts for "Science and Nature" over "Entertainment," mostly because it's a wedge piece but partly because she's not afraid of a green challenge.,
"I hope it's a question about sex!" my inner pervert screeches. Why my inner pervert is trying to get its kicks from The Carrie Diaries I will never know. Sebastian tells Carrie he loves her (Inner Pervert: "YESSSS!"). Carrie tells Sebastian she wants to have sex (IP: "OMG YESSSS!"). Cue Madonna's "Like a Virgin," segueing into Carrie overanalyzing it at the diner.
Carrie laments ruining the perfect first "I love you," but is OK opening the door to losing her virginity. West walks in and Mouse is pissed. She thinks West is being flirty to get into her head and ruin her chances at Harvard. Mouse has lots of plans to get into Harvard over West, since there's only one open spot there, and I don't care about any of them.
The phone rings at the Bradshaw house and Tom and Dorrit run to catch it, hoping to find their secret hookup on the other end. Dorrit says she's waiting for a call and Tom tells her that's why they have call waiting. Whoa, I am not sure that call waiting was a thing in 1985. Oh damn, it was invented in the early 1970's, and my family didn't get it until the early 2000's because we were behind the times and I couldn't even have a cell phone sheeeeesh.
Dorrit leaves to check out some "records or something" at the mall, which is evidently within walking distance and where her lover boy would be calling from? Ah well, that is none of my concern. Tom's call is, duh, from Deb, the gum chewer. She is very abrasive, but Tom is obviously a sub who likes to be pushed around. Tom and Deb make a date to have a "nightcap" the Friday night. She tells him to "come prepared," and Tom is like, "whoa whoa whoa, condoms?" He still hasn't learned that everything happens on Friday nights.
Meanwhile, Dorrit is sitting on a couch, smoking a joint, talking to her kissing boy about books like 1984. His name is Miller? No, scratch that, his name is irrelevant. Dorrit tells him she wears all the makeup and grungey clothes to piss her dad off but he doesn't seem to notice anymore. Then, her high sort-of-boyfriend tells her the best version of rebellion is to become someone people don't even realize is rebelling.
Segue to Larissa talking about Madonna, who knows how to rebel. Interview is doing a section dedicated to Madonna's Virgin Tour. Larissa tells Carrie that virginity is so over (and HIV is still a "gay disease"), and that nobody lives in Seattle. This is perhaps a nod to the coming grunge era that Seattle boomed in, then liked so much it decided to stay a while.
The plan is for Interview to talk to all the people behind the scenes who helped make the tour. Carrie can't wait to meet Madonna at the party, which is happening, you guessed it, Friday night. Carrie muses that with Sebastian by her side at this amazing party, it will be the perfect night. Yes, Carrie, sex the first time is so perfect.
At school, Carrie misses out on an opportunity to tell Sebastian how she feels, and instead invites him to the Madonna party. She sweetens the deal by reminding him that sex is on the way, and suggesting they get a hotel room in the city for the night.
Carrie asks her father for permission to go to the party and stay at "Mouse's place" that night. Dorrit is conveniently going to a sleepover at a friend's house again. Tom acts weird and makes a bigger deal out of it than he needs to in order to go sleep with Deb that night. Dorrit walks in without the heavy makeup and dark clothes, telling Tom she doesn't need his approval. What she needs is this Miller character's approval.
Carrie goes to visit with Dorrit, who is putting on makeup in the mirror. She asks Dorrit how it's going with the boy she's been seeing and Dorrit denies everything. Carrie warns her sister that a guy should like you for who you are, not who he wants you to be. But that is in opposition to everything girls do in middle school and high school, so it will probably go unwarranted.
Mouse holds a meeting of ... random high school students? To feign a viewing of "We Are the World," but actually to get help prepping boxes of chocolate bars for a fundraiser. Donna LaDonna leads the rebellion against Mouse, and everyone follows her out the door except West, who offers to work together with Mouse.
Carrie and Sebastian are on the train, headed toward their perfect night in the city. As far as I'm concerned, this is the perfect episode if it does not involve Maggie. Carrie misses another perfect moment to tell Sebastian she loves him as she is interrupted by "tickets please," of all things.
Carrie walks starry-eyed into the Oak Room at the plaza, and her low standards are quickly shit upon by Larissa and Bennett. They tell her that this place is not, in fact, amazing, but a boring "fake party." VIP is where you want to be. Carrie makes it past the velvet ropes but Sebastian Kydd does not. He is common.
Mouse and West flirt while packing chocolate bars into boxes, and end up making out. Soon, Mouse will be packing another kind of chocolate. Too far? Yes.
Tom asks Harlan what it means when a woman tells you to "come prepared," and Harlan tells him to "get in there and have some sex." Always good advice.
Carrie is upset that Sebastian is locked out, but Sebastian says it's OK, they can just hang out in the VNP (Very Normal Person) area of the party. Carrie is determined to get him in, though, because everything must be perfect. She goes into the VIP area to get help from Larissa. She sees him disappearing into the crowd of forgettable, unimportant faces, and suddenly has a sneaking suspicion that Sebastian might not be as memorable and perfect as she thought. No, she actually fears that her night won't be the perfect night she imagined.
Carrie, unable to find Larissa, gets advice from Bennett on how to get Sebastian in. Bennett's advice relies heavily on being gay. They single out a man with big hands to seduce and get his bracelet. Carrie argues her case, far too much of it, to the giant man. The bear tells Carrie he's a sucker for a love story, and his boyfriend runs the VIP area. He's going to talk to him. For Madonna.
After probably having sex, Mouse gets up and tries to regain control of the relationship by over-analyzing West's feelings for her. She leaves West shirtless in the classroom. Thank you, Mouse.
Donna and Dorrit interact in the diner, because they are the only two remaining characters. Dorrit is reading Tropic of Cancer, which she informs Donna is not about cancer, but about sex. Donna is interested, and sits down to talk to Dorrit about men. She tells Dorrit her name is funny, but she can carry it. Donna is my favorite character. She even admits that she always changes for the guy she's with. She tells Dorrit that it's taking control to change for the guy, because every relationship is a transaction. Women are just fancy hookers, ya see.
Donna tells Dorrit that sex is fun, it's not love, and be safe. Donna is the only straight-shooter on this show.
Carrie returns to Sebastian with a wristband to get him into the VIP area. Sebastian was having an OK time getting drunk. He's the baaaassssst boyfraaaaannnd.
Meanwhile, in the suburbs, Deb introduces Tom to her Posturepedic bed. Tom goes in for a kiss and when Deb asks him what he's doing, Tom launches into a very loud stream of self-loathing thoughts.
"Stupid, stupid, idiot!" But Deb was kidding. This didn't make either of them look good, but they make out anyway.
Sebastian goes to get Carrie a drink, and Bennett rushes by in a gay hurry. He's freaking out because Madonna is about to leave this very lame party, and she will take the party with her, and there is no after-party. Bennett needs help interviewing all the people on staff. He asks Carrie for help, and bribes her with a byline. Carrie agrees to interview the guy who wrote the lyrics to "Like a Virgin."
Carrie tells Sebastian that she needs to quickly do a work thing, which could really help her writing career. Drunk Sebastian, who we already know is not worthy of love, tells Carrie, "oh, so you have a career now!" and gets all sulky but in that annoying, passive-aggressive way like "no, go do your thing it's fiiiiiine." It's OK, Sebastian has his glass of scotch.
Carrie totally gets the scoop on "Like a Virgin," from its supposed author. Everyone in this VIP area believes in New Love and a good love story, so he excuses her to go hang out with her boyfriend and "get touched like it's the first time," because that's what the song is all about.
At Deb's place, Tom arises from the Posturepedic, naked, in search of the bathroom. He runs into Deb's son, who seems very casual about the whole thing. Tom worries that this kind of thing happens all the time, as Deb's son acted. Tom scolds Deb for having sex while her kid is in the house, and basically calls her a shitty mom. Tom sucks. Deb says she doesn't need to be judged by Tom, and excuses him.
Dorrit returns the sex book to Miller and accuses him of having her read it so she'd want to have sex with him. Miller denies it only for a second, then admits it's true. Dorrit tells Miller he's smart, and she's been thinking about it a lot. Miller tells her she's vulnerable and he doesn't want to take advantage. They hug inconclusively.
Mouse holds a meeting of the Astronomy Club, of which she is the president and only member. West comes in and Mouse confesses that she likes him but the last time she liked a boy she let her grade slip and lost #1 in the class. Then she walks away.
Carrie is high off of the idea of a byline for a quote in Interview, but Sebastian is drunk and pissed and doesn't want to hear about any damn woman's career. Women are for loving and boning and admiring, not for breadwinning. Sebastian gripes that the whole night was about Carrie and it should have been about them as a couple. But he lacks perspective, because it's all only about Carrie, and this party that Carrie was kind enough to invite him to, was never about him at all. They are quickly becoming that couple that always fights when they drink.
They argue, and Sebastian brings up how Carrie won't tell him she loves him. He blames everything on her and asks Carrie why she has to think so much about everything. This is why they broke up the first time. And Sebastian is not behaving very lovingly. Carrie argues that this is who she is and if he doesn't like it maybe they should break up. Yes, now you've got something going, girl.
"If that's what you want, fine. It's always about what you want anyway," Sebastian says douchily, and walks off.
Carrie ends up at Mouse's house after all. She tells Mouse that she loves Sebastian, and stubbornly won't call him to tell him she made a mistake. She argues that Sebastian let her break up with him and didn't fight for the relationship. Carrie hates herself for being too controlling, and isn't angry with Sebastian at all. This too shall pass.
Tom runs into Deb the morning at the diner, and apologizes. He says he should have been more understanding. Deb nods, but I hope she remembers what an asshat he was. Deb tells Tom that they're dating, which means they are going to fight. She had an easy out, but she's lonely and past her prime. She promises Tom that time she will get a babysitter, which just means there would be an extra person at the house while they have sex.
Mouse and West are at school on a Saturday, in the name of the fake Gardening Club. They run into a faculty advisor, who says he read the minutes of the club meetings (which West forged and handed in, I guess), and he is going to write them both excellent recommendations for college. Wellllp, bye! West gets Mouse to agree to a date with him.
Dorrit shows Miller her room, ostensibly to do it in. They share a tender moment, because Miller is hipster cute before there were hipsters. In the room over, Carrie is so sad she can't even diary. She doesn't even have any clever thoughts or puns to wrap up the episode. She just lays there hugging a pillow, doing that thing when you're alone and you want to cry but the kind of tears you want only happen when someone is watching.