Dude! Bro! What happened? The red team turned Jarick into a homophobe right before he was eliminated, that's what happened. They'll reap the rewards of that in Gay Heaven I'm sure. Oh, and we can't forget how the blue team shoved all those sandwiches into the muck water. I certainly haven't. I've been thinking about it all week, and I'm pretty sure I had nightmares that the blue team came over to my apartment and threw my sandwiches into the mud.
Rob and Jacob, the red team, did a pretty good job as the hunt team, especially because they nearly took out the pink team. They did an even better job at making seven-foot tall Jarick feel very small, and defensive. Before he left, Jarick told the teams to look out for the "Blue Devils" and he obviously meant the blue team. Then, everyone started calling them the blue devils at camp. Eric and Shane are shocked, they have never been hated so openly. Disparaged between lines of coke in the ladies' bathroom, sure, but never just called out to their faces.
No one hates the blue team more than the gold team, Oregon brothers Nick and Chris. Instead of sleeping, they spent all of the night before fantasizing about being the Hunt Team and capturing the blue team. This time, it's personal, they said. No one wastes food in Oregon. Ryan and Erica, the purple team, were also particularly butthurt about the sandwich melodrama. Maybe you can't really get mad until you consume several packets of mayo out of desperation. Erica was hungry, and told Ryan (who had to be told not to eat a sandwich off the ground) she can't and won't get over it. Even though she's hungry, she hates not winning. What do they say about women scorned? That they're not nearly as bad as a woman hungry, I think.
The teal team, our British twins Jade and Nikita were getting annoyed by Erica's harping on Sandwich-Gate. The black team was worried because they formed an alliance with the blue team, not being able to foresee how much everyone would hate them. We always do this, don't we, ladies? We seek out the worst men available to us, then continue crawling into bed with them every night because we need a warm body to sleep to and it's better than nothing and hopefully they won't try to eliminate us ... or something.
For the hunt, Luke said there would be another advantage point. This time, the members of the selected target team will each have to wear a 20-pound weight belt for day two of the hunt. It's not as good as the alarm vest feature, but it's something.
This week's hunt team is the worst possible scenario: the blue team! Shane, the one with magic hair, thinks that if they're super "dominant" as the hunt team, they can force the other teams to respect them. Historically, this strategy is unsound. But these two have not finished a book since The Game by Neil Strauss, so we can't expect them to know that.
The other teams, already sulking, turned to face the grounds and took off at Luke's less and less thrilling countdown. Ryan and Erica, the purple couple, don't just do parkour, they teach it: the art of unnecessary jumping and pushing off of things in hopes of getting famous on YouTube. Hey, I'm happy if anyone is choosing to be physically active (in this economy). Kids don't even know how to run these days, let alone execute a double kong.
Even running through the field, Ryan was jumping and vaulting , pushing the limits of his mind or whatever. The blue team will never catch him if he believes hard enough and pumps his arms in unison as he chooses to leap over a rock. Inspired, the blue team did a victory leap of their own on their way into the terrain. Ryan and Erica teach parkour without even knowing they're doing it.
"We're taking these crazy paths and that just slows us down," Kaliesha told her partner Matt. Kaliesha of the white team may just be looking for any excuse to fly off the handle, but she is a logical lady. Sometimes, you don't need to push the limits of your mind for the sake of "cover." Matt asks Kaliesha "who's running the show?" and rather than thinking about it and answering the truth (Luke Tipple, I think), Kaliesha took it as an excuse to fight. She looked for anything to demonstrate her rage, reaching for some leaves on a bush, which she pulled and threw down in an act that did nothing but waste energy.
"Listen to yourself," Kaliesha hissed at Matt, "under this type of pressure, I don't need to hear it." Is Kaliesha the Mole?
The blue team, who has done that awful thing the purple team did their week as the hunt team by creating eye black with whatever dirt they had on hand, heard a noise. What a non-surprise, they heard Kaliesha and Matt arguing about being heard. The white team heard the blue team and ran, with the blue team on their tail. Kaliesha, who's running the show, told Matt to duck down, and as though this were a Shirley Temple movie, it actually works.
Then, Luke revealed the advantage point, which is far down South. The red team tried to go for it, but the white team made it first. Luke announced that the advantage point was closed, which caused the lime team to gasp. They couldn't believe someone would go for an advantage in this game. Catch up, booksmarts.
Knowing that the black team was allied with blue, Matt and Kaliesha chose to sabotage the black team. With an hour left of day one, the teams were feeling more confident. The purple team has parkoured all over the terrain and it made them tired. They took a little breather on a rock.
The closer to Last Call it gets, the more the blue team shines, though. They headed North to take a look at the rocks and discovered the purple team. The purple team thought they had everything figured out from being the hunt team the first week when no one knew what they were doing. They were over-confident, sitting on top of their mountain. The blue team burned some steam heading uphill and chased the purple team across the rocky ledge. It was actually pretty exciting, especially when it ended with Ryan getting tagged and Erica screaming, "NO!"
The blue team celebrated in full fist-pumping regalia. Not knowing what else to do, Erica ran down to confront the blue team but the best she could come up with was, "really?"
"What's really? This is the hunt, baby!" Shane tells her, as asshole and unhelpful as ever. Look, Shane, just because you look like Patrick Dempsey does not give you the right to wave your dick around however you choose. Shane said it felt even better to tag out a team that truly hates them. Erica threw a dirt clod in their general direction, and Shane tacked on, "sorry for partyin'."
"You got caught, we didn't," Shane stated, momentarily forgetting how the game works. What I want to know is the exact number of drinks this guy has had thrown in his face. Shane and Erica continued to argue, Erica asking him why he threw the sandwiches in the water. Shane told her, "it's part of the game, honey," which made her break down in sobs. I feel for you, girl, I wouldn't want to get rug-pulled by McDouchey either.
"This is the worst thing that could have happened!" Erica lamented between tearful gasps. Give this woman some damn food!
All the other teams felt relieved to know the hunt is over, but no emotion compared in magnitude to Erica's frustration as the blue team locked them in that flimsy fake jail. The pink team felt OK to see the purple team there, and the black team felt annoyed to see those weight belts waiting for them. In the hunter's den or whatever that plush resort for the hunt team is called, the blue team took the silver covers off their food and immediately placed the covers on their heads. Like babies. Maybe, if we're lucky, they'll just bang their heads together hard enough and eliminate themselves.
The blue team invited the black team, their only allies, up to share the hunter's den with them. They also added on that the black team could leave their weights in the village and giving them those weights was "the dumbest decision anyone could have made." Kaliesha meant for it to send a message, but it sort of worked against them because the blue team wouldn't gun for the black team anyway. Who's running this show?
Before the second day's hunt began, Luke announced that there are four looking glass stations positioned throughout the terrain. A team can activate one and see the location of all the teams for two minutes on their tracking device. James, of the lime team, didn't understand how that was an advantage until the gold team explained that he could see the hunt team with it. This is mainly a disadvantage for everyone because the black team could use it to help the blue team. The things we do for awful men.
Rob and Jacob, of the red team, started out into the terrain but really they are on a vague equal rights crusade. They are basically perfect specimens, who are out there to prove that if you work out enough, you can win physical challenges even if you're gay? Do people have the impression that gay men are weak? I thought it was more a hatred of group sports, which I support and share. But enough stereotyping, I think we can all agree that Rob and Jacob are just lucky there wasn't a new Lady Gaga single or a department store window that needed dressing to distract them.
Noelle and Sabrina, the Brooklyn girls of the black team, decided not to even go for the first looking glass. James and Rebecca, the lime team siblings, see that it's right by them. James created a big drama out of deciding to go use it, which was unnecessary but entertaining.
The black team continued trudging along, wishing they could trust the blue team fully. The blue team was right by them and for a moment, no one knew what was going to happen. The lime team activated the looking glass to see that black and blue were right to each other.
"Oh my gosh, black and blue are working together," James gasped, yet again. God, what I wouldn't give to watch a TV show with James. The lime team called to the white team and tipped them off about this assumed alliance, when really, black and blue didn't see each other. This naturally enraged Kaliesha. But what doesn't?
Forty-five minutes remained in the second day of the hunt as Luke Tipple announced the location of the open supply station. James and Rebecca opted not to get closer to the supply station for fear of getting nabbed by the hunt team. Jacob and Rob were not afraid, and set out to prove that gay men can be resourceful and read maps just like anyone else. The hunt team camped out just outside the supply station, and watched the red team enter.
Jacob and Rob discovered two cakes at the supply station, which have "Happy Birthday" spelled out on top in frosting. It was not anyone's birthday, but I guess they wanted it to be clear that it's "birthday cake." Plus, throwing a birthday cake in the mud would really be an awful thing to do. Jacob scarfed down the cake, taking his sweet time, and Rob encouraged him to leave. 20 minutes remained for the hunt team. And now, Moments I Want an Animated Gif of Theater:
Rob: You're doing this for cake?
Jacob: YES, I'm doing this for cake!
Jacob just won my heart forever and ever. I would do anything for chocolate cake, even without Luke starving me days prior. The red team left the confines of the supply station, and the blue team charged up their talons to pursue. Rob and Jacob ran, but in a moment of absolute tragedy, Jacob was too full of cake not to get caught.
"The moment we were seized by the blue team, I almost saw our elimination," Rob said, "there's just no hiding our physical capabilities." I hope that, as Rob just assumed, everyone learned a lesson in equality over the last two hunts.
The blue team successfully captured both hunt teams, so there's very little logic in keeping one over the other around in hopes that they can capture the blue team. But no one was thinking strategy, as Kaliesha burst into the village shouting, "SHADY!" at the black team. The black team flew immediately into full Brooklyn mode, and the red and teal teams watched in delight because the village has to have some forms of entertainment.
"Don't call us shady, that you don't do," one of the Brooklyn girls said. Kaliesha argued that she just did, so … The shorter Brooklyn girl threatens to bitch-slap Kaliesha out of the freakin' forest. Noelle and Sabrina called it Revenge of the Nerds: Wilderness Edition, even though I'm not sure if anyone out there is an actual nerd. Everyone enjoyed it immensely.
After the blue team sat in some Adirondack chairs talking about how awesome they are, the prey teams planned votes for the elimination. Both teams are strong players and nice people, although Erica is a bit whiny. When interviewed by Luke Tipple at the elimination ceremony, the red team came out on top, joking lightly about cake and smiling with perfectly white teeth. The lime team had the final vote, sending Ryan and Erica of the purple team vaulting out of the game to eat subs prepared by a sandwich artist. Rob and Jacob are here, they're queer, get used to it!