I just re-watched The Hunger Games so I'm like, fresh and full of knowledge about dystopian bloodsports. It's the seventh day of the hunt in this real life game of extreme capture the flag without flags and the teams were worn down. Jade and Nikita, the twins of the teal team, said that this is the most difficult physical challenge they've ever encountered. Oh, and remember how everyone hates the blue team? This is still true.
I never knew what an asshole move brushing your teeth could be until Eric of the blue team wing men did it just so. He kept brushing his molars with this grin on his face, for all to see, lording his supply station prize of toothpaste over the other teams. Shane admitted that his teammate Eric is a bully. He was trying to trade food (a portion weighed out specific to each team's body mass or something) for a squirt of toothpaste. Shane said this is not his style. He's less AC Slater and more Zack Morris.
The twins gave in to Eric's bullying, while my precious lime team, James and Rebecca grumbled on a log. James stood up for himself, using the exact words I would love to say to people on street corners trying to get me to donate to Children International. "The way you come at us, you expect us to give it to you and it's like, it makes me not want to do it," James said, infuriated by memories of high school. James, let's hang out, we could watch TV and stand up to bullies and you could keep me from signing up for Greenpeace again.
"I think it's time we take some risks," James suggested to Rebecca, and she agreed. The gold and green teams agree that no matter who the hunt team is, they should go for the blue team. Then, pretty much out of left field, we learned that the green team is Christian and their faith is a huge reason they signed up for this physically competitive reality show. Oh my god, if they came here to persecute the red team for being gay or any less competitive because of it there will be hell to pay.
Oh, Kareem and Antoine, the green team, are playing a game with morals and the blue team is playing "a crooked game," so they agreed to be on board with this plan to get blue out. I know there are rules about staying in one place, but I wonder if there are any rules about climbing a tree and just staying up there?
Before announcing the newest hunt team, Luke Tipple goes into some old person diatribe about technology. How "out here" in the "wild" it can be your friend or your greatest enemy (Luke curses the day he got a data plan, still unable to figure out what a Candy Crush is). He re-announced the Looking Glass stations, but this time if someone uses the Looking Glass, their position is revealed to the hunt team. There's no such thing as a free lunch, or a sandwich not soaked in mud.
There will also be another Advantage Point, which "infects" the chosen team with a "virus" that causes their vests to sound an alarm both days of the hunt. James began plotting immediately upon hearing this news. He does not stand for bullies! Luke went on to explain that this virus is infectious (just like the one he got from not installing a Norton Anti-Virus update—damn you technology!). The vest ringing will transfer to any other prey teams the infected team comes into contact with. So basically, damn it feels good to be a hunt team this week.
The green team was announced as the hunt team, which delighted Nick and Chris, the brothers of the gold team. Eric and Shane were concerned about the green team, specifically Antoine, who is a track star. It's time to start climbing some trees. The green time announced that it's "time to get some payback" and after very little prodding from Luke, they admitted that they were talking about the blue team. The blue team kept saying "bring it on," but everyone knows that with the green team at the helm, it has already been broughten.
The prey teams headed for the terrain, strategizing on the way. Most of the teams planned to stay away from the blue team, obvious targets and inevitable carriers of infectious viruses. Kaliesha, the constantly furious instigator of the white team, tripped and blamed her partner Matt. He repeated his infuriating question from the last hunt, "who's running this show, woman?" and Kaliesha says that, as a doctor, she is always dealing with sexism. She's also a doctor? Oh my god, she could beat anyone up in very painful and specific ways to take them just to the edge of death. My advice would be not to cross her, but to know her is to cross her, I think.
Oh no! I started getting really worried for the green team when one of them started talking about what they would do with the money. That is the first thing we learn about a team right before they're eliminated. Oh shit, Kareem's mom has MS. They are such good people oh god dammit.
The green team left in search of the prey teams, feeling very good. Their strategy was to explore the South area of the terrain as they were more comfortable with it. South is where the teal twins spend most of their hunt times. The teal team found the looking glass, with the green team headed right for them. Nikita was trying to figure out where the hunt team was on the map when technology proved to be her worst enemy. Jade interrupted her train of thought with, "NIKITA RUN!" and I appreciated the drama of it.
The teal team ran and despite the hunt team's efforts to like, sniff out their scent or look for a path of broken twigs, the teal team evaded capture. Luke revealed the location of the advantage point and everyone wants to go for it. But ah! The advantage point is right by James and Rebecca, the lime team siblings. It's lime time!
After a vigorous walk to the advantage point, James and Rebecca were out of breath, but still had the wherewithal to select the blue team to sabotage. Even more fortuitously, the hunt team was near the blue team as their alarms started to sound. The blue team started looking for nearby prey to pass the virus on to (just another Friday night for these guys). Fiddling with their technology again only slowed them down, as the green team trailed them silently. Then something horrible happened that made everyone feel awful.
The green team caught up to Shane and tagged him, but as he went down, vest sounding and all, he clutched his knee. The green team chest bumped and celebrated (sorry for partyin'!) but Shane stayed on the ground writhing in pain. He wasn't too overcome with pain not to be upset that he had been caught, though.
"It hurt so friggin' bad," Shane said in an interview to the camera. Despite Shane saying, "it's all good, man," the medics come and take him to the hospital. I do not know how to feel about this.
The other prey teams celebrated that a team has been captured, the lime team praying that their virus did its work. No one seemed to feel very bad for Shane in his absence. James and Rebecca were delighted, James so much so that he was almost in tears. Everyone basically danced on Eric and Shane's game grave, praising the green team and literally dancing. Eric noted that it did not feel good to see "the villagers" celebrating, but that "it's not over ‘til the fat lady sings." I think he likes that expression because it's hopeful but still demeaning.
"It doesn't always work in our advantage to be aligned with the blue team," the black team admitted. It has never worked, except that one time you got to sleep in the hunter's den. Speaking of the den, the green team invites Nick and Chris of the gold team to share the comfort of the den and a strong alliance. The only team with a conscience about the blue team getting hurt was the pink team. They also had the foresight to worry about who would be the "blue team" or common enemy.
Adding insult to literal injury, Shane was sent back to the village in full Capture regalia with the addition of crutches and a blue knee bandage. Kaliesha asked, with hope, if it was critical. It wasn't, though, the doctors said that in two days he could be right back in it. Shane thought he could garner some sympathy and use that to his advantage. But they weren't thinking about it with enough intelligence to find the logic behind keeping them that the pink team quietly discovered.
For the second day, Luke opened up a supply station and this time there was pizza, beer and hot wings that nobody could throw in the mud with the blue team in jail. The prey teams all wanted to go for it, while the green team was focused on laying low near the supplies and targeting the Brooklyn girls.
The green team was slowed down by what can only be described as a thicket. It was unpleasant and an unwelcome way to experience the pain of Christ beyond the discomfort of camping on a mission trip.
The gold and black teams hit the supply station the moment it opened because beer and pizza can only speed things up, right? I guess if I have enough beer I don't even remember walking home. It's like I floated. The Brooklyn girls eat and prepared to leave, looking around first to see if maybe the gold team was setting them up. Little did they know the green team was stuck in the brambles somewhere. Luke announced the closing of the supply station as the gold team polished off the beer and did a few jigs. They even saw the green team watching them and waved. A false sense of security goes hand in hand with being buzzed.
With only 40 minutes left in the hunt, the green team isn't about to just let a team slide away with a pat on the head. The gold team was still aware this is a competition, so they stayed inside the lines of safety while they told the green team where the black team headed. They shot off like arrows, quickly gaining on the girls from Brooklyn, who were slowing down with every grease-laden step.
"I'm so happy we went there, I feel so good after like, some beer," one of the girls whispered to her friend. All of a sudden, one of the green team stepped on a twig. After a moment of tension, Nimble and Agile chased Pizza and Wings downhill in what was already an uphill struggle for the black team.
The black team was captured, but didn't hurt themselves. They joined the blue team in jail and the other prey teams celebrated and made a lot of bruise jokes. Sitting in jail under a tarp, Eric cracked under pressure and said, "I wonder when little Nick's going to come out of the closet?"
Even Shane, in his weakened condition, knew this was crossing the line. For guys with so much game, they really don't know how to strategize. Eric kept going, saying that everyone is just jealous of them because they're the center of attention. This is Real Housewives logic, and it does not apply here. Shane has had all day to reflect, and can't believe he is the villain of this game. He claims to be a pretty nice guy outside of this, one who doesn't just throw innocent sandwiches into the mud.
The prey teams talk about who to vote out. The black team kind of sucks, and the blue team has been pretty awful but now they're at a huge physical disadvantage for the hunt. Rob wondered if it's too soon to vote out the villains (I say yes because we need them like Jacob needs fake-birthday cake). Everyone also pointed out that Shane never said anything outright rude to them, maybe it was kind of funny? He's almost sympathetic when he's injured.
Shane argued that the teams should look at them not as the blue devils, but as the "blue angels with a broken wing almost," still not realizing they should play up his injury even more, tone down the dickishness, and argue that they exist as a free pass for another team. Like, watch an episode of Survivor or two and educate yourselves, blue team.
Eric is even dumber than Shane, though. He said he really likes everyone, except pretty much everyone. He then went down the line and tells Nick to come out of the closet, the white team that they need counseling, and the green team to "read a little more," which caused even the black team to gasp. Shane looked at Eric and shook his head, muttering, "bite your tongue." Remorse is a dish best served live.
When it was time to vote, the white team went first, slamming their talon down on blue's side asking, "what's black without blue?" and turning around as Shane wondered, "what does that mean?" Oh my god, Shane, you're killing it. The gold team voted for blue, offering condolences to Shane and "good luck" to Eric. The scorned green team also voted for the blue team.
James, my hero and imaginary best friend, took the opportunity to make a speech, "Eric, our parents taught us to kill our bullies with kindness and in this competition we did just that. Then you ended up taking our kindness for granted and you took advantage of it. You expected Rebecca to give you her food every morning, so this is for you, Eric. We sabotaged you!" He let Rebecca place the final talon on the blue team's side, eliminating them to the other prey teams' cheers. It was the best moment of my television watching summer. I watched it several times.