LOL

S01E05

Outside, Mia is waiting. Hank, ruffled, asks what's up with Mia and the teacher. She asks if he means carnal knowledge. "Not yet," she says. He tells her to be careful. Mia brings up the fact that they've already had sex. Hank says that was an accident. They get into Hank's convertible. Mia whines that since she can't get Hank back in the sack, she'll have to settle for the creepy teacher. She leans over to fake-kiss Hank, and he tells her to get out of the car. She calls him "Hankarella" as he leaves.

Exy's house. Beccabot 3000, wearing a print outfit and her hair in pigtails, asks mom how she looks. Exy says it's a guitar lesson, not a fashion show. Becca says rock and fashion are all one world. Mia, sitting nearby, says the instructor is cute. Becca runs off to change again. Dave, a grungy-looking dude with curly hair, is wearing a black shirt with simple white text. It says, "fuck sting." Is that a comment on the musician or a series of verbs? Exy doesn't like the shirt. "I think it's cool," Mia says. Exy says it's Becca. Dave's not used to such a young and promising student. Mia suggests he could turn the shirt inside-out. He does so, right in front of them, showing off his pasty, wiry frame. Becca comes back downstairs, in jeans and a Rolling Stones T-shirt. She catches the shirt-changing and she likey. Mia says she liked the shirt off better, but that's just her. Beccabot and Dave go upstairs.

Driving in L.A. montage. We end up in a radio studio where Mr. Henry Rollins is introducing Hank as a guest on his show. He mentions Hank's novels, including South of Heaven and Seasons in the Abyss. I can't look at Henry Rollins without thinking of that video. You know the one. "Cuz I'm a LIIIIIAAAAARRRRRRR!" God, that rocks. Henry asks how he's doing. Hank says he's a little under the weather, but all right. Henry compares the wait for Hank's new novel to the wait for the new Guns 'n Roses album. Rollins asks which one will come out first. Hank says he hopes he gets there first and that he hopes he makes it into Oprah's book club. He says he wants to sit on Oprah's couch and ask her about that scene in Belovedwhere she squats and pees. Rollins looks aghast. Hank sips from a little alcohol bottle he brought with him. Rollins, lamely, says that Hank's new blog is generating a lot of water-cooler talk. About how shitty it is? "I was going to drink from this water cooler, but then I read Hank Moody's blow, and now I'd rather use it to wash myself." Hank says it's just stuff coming out of his ass, things he needs to vent. Hank is asked what he's obsessing over now. He says that we're getting dumber and dumber and that computers have become "four-figure wank machines." Hank says all the Internet has given us is Howard Dean's aborted campaign and 24-hour access to kiddy porn. So. Profound. I may cry. Hank rants about people blogging instead of talking and texting instead of talking. He brings up the "LOL" thing. He says it's stupid people talking with other stupid people in a proto-English language. Rollins says that Hank is part of the problem. As is this show, no? Hank confirms his self-loathing and takes another sip.

"With a gay priest!" Hank announces, as he wakes up, disheveled, in bed. Meredith, grinning and awake, tells him that he has a lot of bad dreams. Hank blurts out a few elements from his dream. Dude, keep that shit to yourself, for St. Pete's sake. "L.O.L.," Meredith says, spelled out like that, as she laughs. Hank knows what it means, but he can't believe it's part of her lexicon. She kisses his chest as he reevaluates his whole relationship with her. She says it should be a part of his, too, given that he writes for "cyberspace." Oh my God, she just teleported here from the year 1997! Hank says goodbye to his boner. She asks what's wrong with "LOL." He says Meredith is contributing to the death of the English language. FTW! She asks if he's going to let "LOL" get in the way of getting the best blowjob of his life. Why, did she invite someone over? Hank's not that stubborn. She fellates him. Yay. He mutters that he's not a big fan of the term "B.J." either

Shitty credits.

Charlie's house. Marcy comes down the stairs wearing tiny black briefs and a tiny grey top. She's asking him not to make her beg for sex since they haven't had it since her last period. Why does this suddenly feel like Lucky Louie if it had been a drama? Charlie, nonplussed, is messing with his leather work bag. Marcy, who is so very, very tiny, turns around and thrusts her ass into the air. She says he can have the ass if he wants. Oh, awesome, let me just stash that in my work bag and take it for an afternoon snack. Charlie, disgusted, says she can keep it. He says last time they tried anal by the light of day, it wasn't pretty. Wow. Smooth move, dude. Marcy says he used to be all about the morning sex. She asks what's going on. He tells her it's work stuff and that he's stressed. She hugs him and says to pretend she's paralyzed. She falls into his arms, going limp. She pulls him onto her on the couch and says he has to shoot some glue and that she'll just lay there so he can do what he has to do. This is Lucky Louie! She kisses him. She reaches into the back of his pants and grabs at his ass. Charlie lets out a yelp, stands, and asks her what she's doing back there. She asks if he doesn't like that. How long have they been married? This territory hasn't been broached before? Charlie complains that she can't just send probes back there. He puts on his jacket to go to work, using it as an excuse to disengage. She says it was just a little finger in the ass and that she could use the little one. She wiggles her pinky. I wonder if this goes on over on Tell Me You Love Me. Charlie says he'll be late for work. He blows a lame kiss to his hot, horny wife.

Hank at his "writing" desk. Someone is knocking at the door. Hank tells them to fuck off. We don't see who's at the door, but Hank makes a show of spelling out "B-to-the-I-to-the-double-L" and calls him "My nig-nog." Uh-huh. Hank isn't too happy to see Bill at his place. Bill says he wanted to talk in person. It's about Mia. Bill says she's in high school. Hank assumes Bill knows they had sex and acts really guilty. He says he's sorry. Hank squirms and says he's glad Bill showed up so they can get on the same page in this fucked-up situation. Bill asks what Hank is talking about. Bill asks if he's stoned or drunk. Hank plays it off. Bill asks for a favor. He says he was supposed to be a guest speaker at Mia's school, but has to go out of town. Hank asks "Willamina" how this should affect him. Bill asks Hank to step in for him. He says it's a creative writing class. Bill was going to talk about publishing, but he says Hank can talk about not-writing. Hank asks what's in it for him. Bill asks what he wants. "Call off the wedding," Hank asks. Uh, no. Hank likes Bill's jacket. He'll take it.

School. Girls in Catholic-school uniforms walk around as Hank shows up in his sunglasses and hipster oldster leather jacket. He hands a lit cigarette to a girl in the hall after asking if she smokes. Hank in class. Wearing his sunglasses in front of all the students, he suggests they do anything else but become a writer, including being a pharmaceutical rep or becoming an umpire. He says being a writer blows. It's like having homework the rest of your life. Wait a minute...fuck, he's right! Awwwwwww! God DAMMIT! A cute girl in the back asks if he's single. "Who would have me?" he asks. All the girls raise their hands. The teacher sits in a seat up front. A bell rings. The teacher thanks Hank for coming in on short notice. He promises to take a cigarette break. The teacher says that Hank is a fucking rock star. Hank says that anyone with half a cock and one ball would be that in an all-girl school. Trying...not...to...visualize. The teacher says it's the best job he ever had. Hank is creeped out, especially when the teacher refers to his little penis T.A. Hank warns the guy that he could go to jail. This as he's waving bye to all the girls. The creepy teacher says they're all on the cusp of their "womaninity." The teacher tells the sob story of how he's written three novels, and they're all stuck in a drawer, and instead of writing screenplays, he fights the good fight to teach an appreciation for good writing. Hank snarks about the guy fucking anyone who's stupid and bored enough to do him. The teacher brings up Mia and says she's a good writer. He says she's written some good short stories. The teacher, the worst one ever, says maybe he's grading on a curve because Mia gives him wood. He says the prose was stiff and there wasn't much character development. He says she was trying too hard. The girls are still staring at Hank. He bails through a window instead of passing them.

Exy's house. The guitar lesson is over. Beccabot 3000 scampers off to get a gift for her instructor. Exy asks how it went. He tells Exy that Becca is a sweet kid. He says she's really into the music, too. Exy says that Becca's dad was really into music and that she was in a band once. Dave says he'd love to hear about it sometime. He's putting the moves on mom. The phone rings. Exy goes to answer. It's Bill. They make small talk. Becca goes outside to give Dave her gift, and she sees him hitting on Mia, who is sitting by the pool wearing a tiny bikini. He's invoking the good name of Radiohead to hit on this bink. I doubt Thom Yorke would approve. He's telling Mia about his band, which he says sounds like Radiohead. He says they have a killer bassist. Becca, a little bit deflated, comes up behind him. Here. It's a bent piece of steel. I made it myself. Beep boop beep. Becca presents him with a CD of some songs she likes. Awwww. "I thought you might like them, too," she says. Dave, who may be a douche, calls it a "mix tape," then a CD, then says that no one's made him one in a long time and that he'll treasure it always. Well, at least he got that right. Becca smiles. Robot feels warm.

Restaurant. Hank and Marcy are eating together. Hank says he doesn't want to take sides, but warns her never to stick her finger in a man's ass without warning. NEVER! Marcy is explaining that other guys she's been with like it. She cutely overlaps with Hank as he says that yes, it's an erogenous zone, but to be gentle with the brown eye. "Mr. Brown Eye is a sensitive man," Hank says. Charlie shows up, with Meredith in tow. Charlie kisses Marcy, but Meredith doesn't kiss Hank. She heard the radio show. "LOL," she says. Uh-O. She asks if he's been telling everyone what an airhead she is. She's not happy. Meredith asks everyone if that's why Hank can't keep a girlfriend: because they have to live up to some "ridiculous fucking gold standard." She says Hank's got some flaws of his own. Marcy and Charlie both try to change the subject, but Meredith asks if he wants to hear some. She says he drinks too much, writes too little. The only exercise he gets is in the bedroom. He loves women, hates himself. Anyone who loves him is ultimately deemed a fool. She says since that could be anyone, she's saying goodbye. Hank says he seems to have hurt her and wants to apologize. He says this is about something else. He asks her what that is. "BRB, Hank," she says. Marcy gets up to go after her, but before she leaves, she tells Charlie that getting "aggro" about a little "stinky pinky" is a symptom of a much bigger problem. She dips her pinky in her martini, sucks on it, then takes the drink with her. Charlie pretends not to know what she's talking about. "Bitches," Hank says. Yay! The return of Pussyman! Let's go sleep with some strangers!

Hank at Exy's. She's on her computer outside and catches him sneaking around. She thinks it was cool that he went to Mia's school. He asks that they never send Becca to school there. "How's my girl?" Hank asks. Exy talks about her work and Hank corrects her, saying he was asking about Becca. Exy's a little embarrassed. Exy tells Hank about the crush on the guitar teacher. Hank asks if Exy likes him, too. She admits that Dave is pretty fucking hot. Hank asks if he can take Becca out for ice cream. Exy says she's asleep. Hank asks if, in their past life, he made her feel stupid or was mean. She says he wasn't mean. She says he can be pretty hard on people. Hank wishes it were different. She says it's not. She asks about Meredith. Hank says she's pissed at him. Exy asks if he's wearing Bill's jacket. Hank says it's a long story, but he's gotta go. Later!

Sad song montage. Hank is trying to write on his black Macbook. (Exy has a white one, by the way.) He takes a drink. At Charlie and Marcy's house, they're in bed, not having sex. Exy looks out and sees Mia being picked up for a date by Dave. They kiss. Becca sees this, too. Hank isn't writing.

morning. Hank is conked out on the bed. Meredith is packing her stuff. Hank mutters that it's not fair to say "BRB" and then not "BRB." He tells her to come here. Meredith says she needed her black skirt. She takes out a key to give back to Hank. He moans about her blowing this whole thing over a cyberspace language issue. She says all they do is drink, fuck and watch old movies at Hank's place. He says that's awesome. Meredith doesn't really think so. She thinks he was already looking for an excuse to bail. She says her married friend left his wife. She thanks Hank. She says he rattled the dude's cage. Hank says, "Glad to be of service, m'lady." He looks hurt. He says he feels used. They walk to the kitchen. Hank says she's just going into another dysfunctional relationship. He makes fun of the mediocre white guy. Meredith thinks this is rich coming from a guy who's in love with his "Ex...whatever." "At least she's cool," Hank says. She asks if he's four. Meredith says that in this lifetime, they just missed being a scorching couple. He says he brought her to "fruition" thirty-three times. Hank wishes her good luck, sarcastically. He says that when Married Guy goes back to his wife, she'll know where to find him. She says it'll be face-down in a puddle of his own sick, not writing. "LOL," Hank tells her. They kiss and say goodbye. Then they kiss some more. Hank goes for thirty-four.

Later, Hank's on the kitchen floor, alone, drinking.

Even later, Hank and Becca are walking together. He says she's quiet. He asks if she's all right. She says her heart hurts. His too. Becca doesn't want to talk about it, but wants to know how to make it stop hurting. Hank says, "If you're lucky, never." He quotes Keats, which she identifies immediately. She asks if he can quote something from this century. He asks if she has Dylan's Blood on the Tracks. "If you see her, say hello," he starts singing. He keeps singing as they walk off down the street. Dylan picks up the slack and continues the song. We fade to black on a weird freeze-frame. Wish we could hear the rest of the song instead of seeing a preview for week's episode.

week: Secretary II: Electric Bondagedoo.